THIS Is the Most Dangerous Moment in Dating... Here's Why

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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:26 - Introduction
0:26 - 2:02 - A Scarcity Mindset
2:02 - 3:11 - THIS Is What Makes Us Stand Out in Dating
3:11 - 4:23 - The Anxious Person’s “Fawn Response”
4:23 - 5:43 - How an Avoidant Person Reacts
5:43 - 7:05 - How an Anxious Person Responds
7:05 - 9:30 - The Secure Person’s Response
9:30 - 10:04 - The Person Who Wants an Anxious Fawner
10:04 - 11:12 - How About You?
11:12 - 12:49 - The 3 Relationships

[@lindakitten2481]

I am an anxious type. Once I learned about the different types I gave up my avoidant on again off again relationship for a secure man. We have been married 10 months and I finally feel like I can be myself. No more wondering, striving and making excuses. I now feel secure instead of anxious

[@coach_amy]

Great testimonial. Thank you. I have wondered if "secure" attachment starts creeping into avoidant since they are so content with their life without the relationship, it's more of the cherry on top, than the joint venture I want. What's your experience with secure husband?

[@lindakitten2481]

@@coach_amy I can be myself and not ruminate about what I should or shouldn’t say. I have greater peace than in any other relationship. My husband is present and regularly affirms his feelings for me and loves spending time with me. It’s wonderful, easy and we are free to express anything negative immediately without worry that a fight will result. Both of us have a lot of history before this and realize how trivial most things are.

[@coach_amy]

​@@lindakitten2481 Beautiful. Congratulations.

[@MichaelChavez5]

At the time I didn’t realize I was fawning and let me tell you… never again. I will keep my standards and boundaries for a healthy relationship, and I will stand on business.

[@mr_xlk]

Anyone else who communicated their needs to someone "rare" they really liked, ended up getting dropped and is now puzzled whether it was just not the right person or if it was too early? ✌️

[@luckywright7285]

C'mon, you watch Matt, you already know the answer... they are not the right person. Every time.

[@MS-ns4ki]

It’s the lie we tell ourselves - flames 😊

[@mandy81841]

Yes!!

[@stoatio8682]

I'm there man. After listening to Matthew, Jillian etc thought everything was going really well, then it was over. Just gotta keep positive, keep this values mindset and hope next time I connect with someone things will be better. It's easy to succumb to the negative content on YT etc around modern dating and that's something I want to actively avoid.

[@cyndijohnson5473]

If it’s too early for them, then they aren’t the right person FOR YOU

[@rg7122]

Just stay away from avoidants! They do make themselves known early on. It’s not worth it

[@MS-ns4ki]

Girlypops

[@tallspicy]

And anxious, they are controlling and make you responsible for work they need to do.

[@sterntaler64]

true 😊

[@sethtenrec]

@@tallspicybitter any? 😂😂😂

[@queenj.8i895]

Amen!

[@davidwhited6698]

I’ve spent 6 months on a healing journey from the absolute worst heartbreak I ever experienced. This video is the best I’ve seen to describe me during that relationship. Thank you for what you do Matthew.

[@jojoloulou7722]

Relate to this - wasn’t really aware of the situation til I saw this video now I’m like … oh god I’m so anxiously attached 😢 we even had the same conversations about food 😕

[@vanessabateson4391]

It's so difficult for people who have suffered trauma to express how they feel and set boundaries... one has to hope you meet a person who has kindness and no one toxic... then we can grow again... steady away.....

[@carlosemiralonso7997]

If you are not recover btw, you need to first heal yourself and be open to iniciate a new relationship. IF you do this too early, you will be not heal and not prepared to afront the new situation.

[@vnkmy]

It’s hard for both parties at that point. I’m always all about the „Let’s not make our problems each others problems.“ but with trauma it’s really difficult, because, in the end, it will affect the relationship in some way or another if it’s not healed properly. And I’m not even talking about temporary triggers, but rather about behavioral patterns. When I learned that my ex hadn’t set boundaries and, on the contrary, actually did way more for me than she felt comfortable with, out of a behavioral pattern, it devastated me. Because I didn’t even realize how much she was affected by it and I didn’t ask for that, actually asked her to set boundaries when she needed them. I myself had trouble setting boundaries but I did when I realized something was going way to far. We had similar traumas tbh. Hard times, we both weren’t ready but I, at least, was prepared to work on it together. She wasn’t. And that’s fine. Wrong time, therefore wrong person. So, just wanted to say, I feel you!

[@vnkmy]

@@carlosemiralonso7997you are very right. It will just retraumatize at that point.

[@leslienoel6909]

I can definitely relate to this. I've always been the type to put others first and put my own needs a desires to the side. I've just recently started learning how to set standards and stick to them. And realize that having standards doesn't make me unreasonable.

[@Switch_X_Back3884]

Really depends on those standards. For example you want a guy 6'2 your 5'5. And the average male height in the US, atleast, 5'8. Not reasonable

[@iceriahikari4707]

My ex brought me in the middle of the road when I expressed my anger at him. It triggered my fawn reaction because I'm scared of him becoming destructive and possibly bring me somewhere unsafe again. I'm still recovering from trauma despite being out of the relationship for 10 months. Matthew's advice and his book that I'm still in the process of reading has helped me a lot.

[@cecilang9721]

You are so right! Some of us fall into limerance. And that combined with scarcity mindset and fawning behavior results in disaster. Every single time. Whether or not that other person has attachment issues. People, hello. It’s you it’s not them. If you have scarcity mindset you will never have peace until you work on your own internal issues. Even if you meet the right one you will end up destroying your own happiness. And if you meet the wrong ones they will destroy you making you even more scarred and unable to be in a happy relationship because of the fear. You will sabotage yourself. Please, heal your internal wounds. Stand up for yourself. I’m already well into midlife and I am just NOW beginning to see what my childhood trauma did to me. Costing me so much all these years. If you are here now, listen to Matthew and some other good folks on KZbin. Find a good therapist if you need to. I wish you all peace and luck. Nobody can fill your wounds except yourself. I say fill and not fix. My wounds feel like gaping cracks where self esteem should be.

[@Portia620]

I have wounds but don’t need anyone. Thats my problem. I gaurd my heart becsue of past wounds. Good thing as so many unhealthy people. I do work daily on my traumas and my theories things dating is good. I wanted to focus on one and she wants me to date and trest it like a college class. Healthy is communicating and looking within not outside the self to heal!

[@Portia620]

Glad I don’t fawn at all anymore. I set boundaries now too and I don’t obsessly think about anyone. I did that in trying to fix my realionships years ago with a con man. Never again as I do t fix anyone anymore but myself! I don’t beg anyone to stay and I don’t tolerate men that want to control me! I know what it is along with gaslighting and as far as the scarce mindset, that is true, there are not really many healthy people in the world. They either have an alcohol problem with drug problem or a relationship problem. A lot of scars we all are very damaged, but everyone pretends that they’re not so they hide them and don’t fix them therefore extremely rare to find people that are high functioning even considering what they went through in their past I’d love to see the stats on it so is it a scar mindset if that’s what you mean when you think oh if you found somebody, you should hold onto them and explore whether or not I think that is a smart idea. Millions of people in the world but I’d not throw people away so fast! You might throw a diamond away, so take your time and really get to know people

[@stayitive4343]

Totally relate, once 'liking' kicks in, too easy to think 'special' exception to boundaries and over giving, without discerning their authentic interest and balanced effort to 'seeing' you and your needs.

[@Meredith31]

I can relate to this. My bf and I just broke up. I feel he was avoidant and I feel I’m anxiously attached I give too much and they lose interest or they stick around but don’t reciprocate at the same level and just take me for granted. So my next relationship I definitely need to make some changes and only invest in people who invest in me and match their energy. I dug my own hole over investing my time, money, energy in people who didn’t deserve it and certainly didn’t match my level of giving but I was just trying to make them feel loved and special but they weren’t making the same effort. I need to figure out how to be less anxious and just relax, if it’s meant to be it’ll be.

[@user-ff4sz2ck2o]

I resognate

[@MyNameIsCarmen_23]

I think probably the avoidant type of your ex aggravated your anxious attachment. I think the right person should make us feel in peace and safe, not anxious, this is a warning sign

[@sethtenrec]

@@MyNameIsCarmen_23 totally agree, as an anxious attachment I’m really only interested in anxious or secure. If you’re anxious and willing to work on it, so am I. Avoidants need to be avoided at all costs.

[@jesenikm]

I did that also. But love is abbout giving. Which does not mean mutual love. Mutual live is when both give their best, and both are able to receive.

[@cecilang9721]

Heard a great line the other day. Hold this close to you. People who don’t want to work on relationships don’t deserve to be with people who do. Forget all this avoidant stuff. That person may be what we call a taker. But also, don’t give unconditional love. Don’t lose yourself. That person is a full grown responsible adult. If you give they must give. Or you will leave yourself an empty shell. I’m learning this lesson myself. I just want to give love and get some back. It can hurt so much. ((Hugs))

[@stoatio8682]

After a lot of growth in my mindset, finally let myself be vulnerable to someone to someone who said she really valued communication, boundaries and consistency. Had a great gut feeling I didnt have in years, then she ended it out of nowhere. Time to rest, recover, therapise and realise life goes on - better things ahead.

[@Fauxtralto]

I wonder what happened on her end. I ended something suddenly because he was giving so many indications he was really into me but then he wasn't actually willing to give up dating others which I think he interpreted as freedom. Maybe that's not your case.

[@MyNameIsCarmen_23]

Out of nowhere? Without any explanations? That must have been really hard for you…

[@sethtenrec]

She was anxious/avoidant … aka fearful avoidant

[@sethtenrec]

@@Fauxtraltoyou may be, as well…

[@cecilang9721]

I’m sorry, but I’m running into people who say this kind of thing after multiple failed relationships because they have learned that’s what they are supposed to say. It’s a mimicry of an evolved person ready for a relationship. Like those butterflies that look like the others but it’s a totally different species. Poison? Not poison? Do not blame yourself. They have evolved to trick the eye.

[@Amsko1983]

Thank you for what you do Matthew. I find your work transcends the relationship realm and helps a lot in terms of personal growth. A scarcity mindset is so damaging in so many different parts of life something I'm learning in my sobriety journey. You've been a warm voice in my ear for a while now, so thank you ❤

[@sujatasadanand2375]

I totally relate to it. Thank you for the revelation and eye opener

[@matelinec]

This video came at an appropriate time for me! I'm hitting this stage right now, but this time I'm more aware and have been telling him as well to take things slow and not overlook things in me too because of wearing rose colored glasses

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

It is sad to say that it IS rare that I find a man who I am really really into. And after past relationships, I am reluctant to feel close to anyone (even in friendships); because I am so tired of people putting on a mask when they first meet you.

[@natalieblessing-us7wv]

So real. I’m also in that same season

[@Portia620]

Yes!!!!

[@Portia620]

People can’t handle their own realities dolls!!! They want to believe they are something they are not! This is because of deep seated low self love! I just want authenticity! I hear you

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@Portia620 Yeah, I don't know if society has just brainwashed a lot of people into believing that they have to be or look a certain way in order to be accepted. Whatever it is, I wish that people would see that people just want love. And then a person has to wonder what most people's definitions of love are. Some people believe that they can buy people's love. And I often don't like to have people do things for me, because you run into those people who hold it over your head forever and ever, to take advantage and manipulate you. If they do something big for you, then there is a never-ending list of things that you have to do for them in return, because they will remind you of the one thing that they did for you a year ago, when they noticed that you needed help (even if you didn't ask for it). I don't find that to be a very loving dynamic either. 95% of the time, if I tell somebody about a hardship that I am going through, I don't want them to help me. Usually what I need is a listening ear, even if the person doesn't say anything. Because half of the time people make it worse, if you are dealing with a social situation; because for some reason people want to go over and tell off the other person. And then after they tell that person off, they get to walk away from the situation, while you are left dealing with the aftermath. It's even worse when somebody goes and tells off somebody that you know, without you knowing about it, until the other person comes to you all upset that your friend said this or that to them. Half of the time it's not even things that I would have said, and what a mess to deal with. If a person wasn't stressed out before, well they sure will be afterwards! There are good people out there, but I don't think that a lot of them have the patience to wait for me to decide that I know them well enough to even have a friendship. Because the people who we surround ourselves with will affect us.

[@ES-aussie68]

If you do speak up, the avoidant takes it as a personal attack, you really can't win. Moving forward my mantra is You can't say the wrong thing to the right person 💯 ❤

[@Portia620]

Truths!! ❤. Why would anybody be scared to ask somebody for their phone number? Why would anybody be scared to fail? Why would anybody be scared to take the risk and say you know what I feel like? I’m not want it and use your feelings. life is too short to play games with people.

[@CarpeDiem2805]

You are SO right!!!! It’s the “any cost” that makes this so dangerous!!!!

[@janvachek]

That is also a men thing. I can relate to that. I am giving too much, while receiving a lot less. Eventually it ends up with the womans just pulling away and losing interest. That is what has happened to me lately... Matthew, I am feeling sooo good reading your new book. Watched your youtube videos so many times, that I literally hear your voice in my head while reading it, so no need for an audio version of this book 😆 Surprised how you are open with the reader, by telling stories from your private life. Ton of great content in this book so far, love it! ❤

[@julialesley1849]

Thank you Matthew. So succinctly put. I see my previous and current traits. Feeling aware and healed and your messages are helping me stay on track. Thank you.

[@bunnyboonot4u]

Completely relatable. Please make more videos that expand on this! Thank you Matthew Hussey, you're beautiful inside and out! ❤

[@maojen__]

I think I’m finally on a good way to become a secure attachment style person after being (mostly) an avoidant one. In my last relationship my partner was a combination of an anxious and avoidant and I always was afraid that he won’t tell me the truth because he was so afraid to loose me. I very carefully listened to what he told me about his last relationships and noticed the pattern to not be 100% honest to avoid conflict or break up. I told him that honesty is essential to me and that regardless of how much it would hurt me I ask him to always tell me truth when something important happens that would have an impact on our relationship. But ja, he was just like you said, he avoided to be honest when he felt hurt, he didn’t stand his ground and he didn’t seem to have his own character as he was very agreeable. Not like a partner but more like a child (very dependent). I felt disconnected and lonely after a while and ended it. I never saw this problem with no connection with anxious persons before, thank you for enlightening me.

[@Portia620]

Very agreeable can be a good thing and a sign of a healthy person to just wanna put that out there because it’s very disagreeable. Is it red flag? Well let’s put it as an orange flag actually.!!! dark personalities can be very disagreeable

[@ririsharon4652]

My ex relentlessly pursued me. Asked me to be gentle with him if i ever decide to reject him etc etc. He would do anything and everything for me, until i broke down when he said he wants to end things. I asked him to reconsider and since then his behaviour changed completely. He left me on May 23 then returned in August 23. Then left again on October 23 and came back in Feb 24. Then left in March. Why do I accept him back? I guess i love him a little too much and I'm probably weak. When he returns he promises a future i can't refuse. While I'm miserable, he's having a ball in another country. He career is thriving which makes me resentful. As I'm writing this comment, I'm suffering from intense headache from stress and crying too much.

[@angelagil8577]

Loved your book!! ❤ love this whole concept of coming from a scarcity mindset. Thanks for the new newsletter, just signed up for it. You’re amazing! Blessings and thanks again

[@valerielyman9602]

I had been the anxious one in the past, but thankfully I am confident now. Still struggling with opening up to a new person…. Too many hurts to jump in yet.

[@shrutic.9586]

Great video, and good reminder on patterns. Thanks!

[@elskar1]

Totally relatable from past experiences, changed from taking the learnings

[@Meredith31]

Love the videos, your newsletter, I’m reading your book now and it’s wonderful. You are amazing Matthew thank you so much for your time, energy and giving us these resources for free to become the best versions of ourselves in our lives. I’m sending you a virtual hug from me to you!

[@RivitaMusic]

Matt! You look incredibly happy in this video! I'm so happy to see you happy 💜

[@abigailjacob4043]

This was a great video! I particularly loved how you pointed out that a person who doesn't speak up about what they want ultimately ends up coming across as untrustworthy. I'd love to see some more about the interaction between an anxious and an avoidant.

[@ninagambardella3941]

This is awesome! Luv to learn more

[@sterntaler64]

You're on spot 🎯 Thank you 🙏

[@julieannfaehealing]

❤️❤️ thank you for all you do Matt and team

[@juliafisher5844]

Really enjoying the book .. I hear your voice saying the words excellent resource Matthew.. very well done 🎉

[@user-li2vl4yd1x]

Thanks so much for the hint. It's really useful.

[@suzi9411]

Just what I need to hear today, thank you.

[@sonyajonason7306]

I can definitely relate to this pattern. Thank you for explaining these behaviors in a way that’s easy to understand myself better and encouraging healthy boundaries

[@marialiedel7971]

I can so relate to this and comes from always feeling the need to make people happy and ok

[@wazzuchick]

Can’t wait to see your future videos on this topic based on different attachment styles. I would love more insight on the “anxious-avoidant” or “disorganized attachment“ “fearful avoidant”. The combo of both attachments are so challenging

[@elskar1]

Your book is fabulous!!!

[@mikki4155]

Great reminder❤

[@janelupo6023]

"Reformed" anxious fawner here. The pain of my last relationship disaster put me in the hospital with a concussion (self-inflicted). BIG oops! Almost eight months into current relationship, and while some minor anxiety, no more fawning. Only mutual well-earned appreciation...which would not have happened without your sound advice, Matthew. Bless you! ❤(LOVE your book!)

[@taylormae9395]

Love the book!!

[@theresagarza1578]

These kinds of discussions are so beneficial. And those of us who've been guilty of anxious fawning may not necessarily be trying to recover from trauma, but it's a safe bet we never had an example of a good relationship. Thanks for covering this topic, Matthew.

[@marilynoverton8142]

Thank you so much, Matthew! I relate deeply, as this was, at one time, my pattern. Thankfully, I have moved beyond that way of relating through conscious effort and learning.

[@MarciaFialho]

Matthew, I’m reading your book and loving it! Thank you for your work! ❤️

[@irynaromanska8543]

It is very much systematizing all the soup of my thoughts from various sources into smth useful. Thank you!

[@annemariegodden]

Thank you, Matthew.

[@petrhejtmanek5127]

Thank you Matthew.

[@kjwong4730]

Very good advice… excellent work

[@Canaday291]

You just described me as the anxious, people pleaser,fawning one. Was dating a dismissive avoidant and I was too scared of rejection to speak up ,set boundaries, or show my true self. Eventually he did exactly what I feared and rejected me.

[@CarpeDiem2805]

Why can’t we ALL just be ourselves?! Why overthink how others will treat us - surely sincerity is key - should be key to being genuine. Liking someone makes one far more vulnerable!

[@axonometri]

So incredibly relatable to what I experienced in my last relationship. Or situationship? Some of your earlier videos opened my eyes to what I was doing, what I was allowing.. and what she was doing - not doing. I attempted to talk about it, she chose to say goodbye. Still difficult but at least I'm not putting all of myself and energy into someone who had been putting no energy back in and continually increasing the distance and time between us. I wish I would have listened to my innerself sooner. I am getting a lot from your content. Thank you

[@sethtenrec]

Stay away from avoidants… easily recognizable early on… run, don’t walk, away

[@sexymary]

Yeah, my santa ..

[@maria.mobile017]

I really enjoyed learning this in the last free live training session that you did so thank you for doing this so that I can share it with my friends

[@el-ug8zx]

Thanks you.

[@dating_apps]

Interesting take

[@kellymorgan1549]

I can relate to all of it. Well said.

[@BeautynBrainz2]

Totally relatable!

[@suzannelangdon6290]

I am learning and growing daily, thanks to your youtube videos. This really resonates with me. I have realized that I am an anxious person when it comes to dating. I have a pattern of being in a relationship with toxic men. I give and accept so much. Eventually, I can't do it anymore, and it ends very badly. Very recently, I was dating someone for just over a month. This person seemed to be a secure person, which I recognized was different from my past relationships. I was trying to do things differently, but my anxious, scarcity mindset got the better of me and I feel I scared him away. 😢 He became quiet and pulled away, then messaged me to say that the relationship was not fulfilling for him and there was something missing in the relationship. I felt blind sided and so sad. I want to stop this cycle that I am in.

[@joea1377]

Yes Matthew, I've had many guys literally get a "free lunch from me! I wanted to show them I'm a good, quality guy, willing to invest. They took the attention, then began to "breadcrumb" me. I've been a "narcissist magnet" for nearly 3 decades. It's hurtful and frustrating. I wonder if, when or how I'll ever find true love....🤔🥴🙏 Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate videos!! 🫂

[@lesleyearl3338]

Thank you I can relate

[@patricetrotter]

I am anxious person I am a person that can’t decide I am the person that give the most and feel like I’m not getting the same in return

[@germanrenthel4225]

Thank you Matthew. This resonated with me. A few weeks ago, I finally got out of my safe zone and I went on a few dates with a girl i really liked. We met a few times and we got intimate. She told me she liked me and so did i. It was great. But she was afraid i was going to suddenly disappear. One day i had some issues at work and I lost my phone for half a day. When i finally got my phone back i saw many messages from her saying she didn't understand why i didn't contact her during the day. The next morning she sent me a voice message saying she didn't want to see me anymore... so she dumped me. I asked her why she was so afraid of getting to know me and she dismissed my questions. So eventually we lost connection. It was very sad. And I was quite disappointed. Thank you matt

[@germanrenthel4225]

@@rajkyoutube29 thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me. I am sure she was very confuse but at the same time its hard and painful when you feel you are vulnerable with someone for the first time in a while. I hope things do get better. Thank you again, mate.

[@MyNameIsCarmen_23]

Oh this is so sad. She really has some problems that she needs to fix.

[@sethtenrec]

@@rajkyoutube29enough spamming that comment. Please

[@Avoid_Low_Frequency]

Thank you for the explanations on how I am fawning… I thought I was experiencing life through his ideas and philosophies

[@kristinawessely3888]

This is the 2nd video I'm watching as I enjoyed your 1st one a lot. What's flashing me at the moment is - you being an expert surely know that liking someone or something is not a decision. First time I realize how absurd the phrase ,,don't forget to like" is. How could one ever forget about their feelings

[@Mel-wq9wu]

Oh my gosh this is so true

[@YolandaVaSa]

Graciasssss❤

[@selmathornton5489]

I don’t want to date anymore. Learning all this is crazy.

[@zah936]

Thank you

[@user-fj2wj5hj9d]

I got out of a codependent narcissistic type relationship, and of course I was the codependent which I didn’t realize that was part of I was growing up. I lost to suicide so I’ve always been worried about abandoned and abandoned on top of that. I have the classic textbook ADHD, which I’m in treatment for now which is helpful but I’ve struggled with dating all my life. I meet someone I dump him. I get bored with him or I get too invested like the first day I met him, I love your videos. I love your videos.

[@hadiza1]

Good morning! 💛🧡

[@carolewright6474]

Can relate 🙌

[@aviluba6787]

You are the best Love all your videos

[@bigcatenergy3707]

This definitely used to be me. I haven’t really been dating a whole lot since but I have walked away a few times and articulated my needs so I have faith that I’ve changed.

[@bryanmilne]

Yep, learning a lot these days... been out of the gane too long... so much to learn... like "outcome independence" and how essential it is for manifesting any kind of context t in which authenticity and attraction can bloom at all...

[@Sol_Calibre]

I'm the avoidant rype. Eventually i get annoyed and i lose interest.

[@kristinawessely3888]

You're great

[@jams5651]

I’ve been through this before with someone who had an anxious attachment. It was difficult because I couldn’t trust her to go with me everywhere in life and attack life with me. I also determined that she would not be honest with me about my faults or help me with my faults because she didn’t want to work on her own faults. I am not the one to take advantage of someone’s attention so I had to break it off in good conscience because I believed she needed to mature more in her honesty of herself and her surroundings. It is hard though because no matter the reason for the break up, I still want her. 😢

[@thecitizenjoan]

Jehovah God bless you Matthew

[@kyu4676]

Hey matthew! i enjoyed this video very much. something that i have been thinking about is the scarcity mindset... its definitely something that takes over my thoughts alot since its all i have ever known. it would be lovely if you could make a video about ways or steps you can slowly take to overcome it or atleast be more aware of it in everyday life

[@EvgeniyaShavarska]

I am exactly the anxious attachment... Always giving. I am not sure how to stop being like this, like yes, logically i know my worth, but my heart doesnt really comply with the brain

[@MelodyProsser]

I'm an avoidant myself although I do tell a person what I need.

[@leyacallender4405]

I’m an anxious person. I’ll admit it 😔 and I’m working on it.

[@winsomemargaretpienaar608]

Thank you so much for this wise and intelligent communication. You might as well have spoken about me as this is exactly how I behaved. Interesting point, I am happily married in spite of falling into the anxious fawning category. As you suggested, I’m taking baby steps.

[@phoenixvette]

Thats my entire life. Cheers!

[@marydoerschuck331]

Great video! I am struggling with a relationship (5 mo.) With an anxious person. Frustrated and ready to call it quits. I'm secure, he's too needy, too quick

[@Portia620]

This is the scary part becsue then they leave! I don’t even get attached anymore. I’m good at guarding my heart

[@witoldadamkiewicz9589]

Yeah I am definitely anxious fawner... Damn...

[@ninaal2675]

The anxious type is spot on.

[@Portia620]

Matthew is my favorite name go figure!!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️. He also ghosted me

[@vnkmy]

I’m in the middle of anxious and secure type, interestingly. I’d guess that’s what happens if you learn about yourself and your insecurities in therapy. Sadly had been with an avoidant partner that couldn’t speak up for themselves and only gave, they hid it really good too. Made me sad in the end, if I would’ve known what they needed, liked and disliked I’d have acted differently and, ofc, would’ve set my needs back to an extend.

[@debbieoleary8534]

Yes that's exactly what happened to me

[@user-gw9vu6hz8l]

The best I can do is to be aware of the scarcity mindset when it crops up, but I don't think I can get rid of it completely. You starve when you're starved and there's no changing that.

[@jamo1774]

I can relate to not setting boundaries and letting people know of my needs. I've been too much of a people pleaser and wanting them to be happy with me. And me always wanting to meet their needs. The most recent one, I was afraid to speak up at times because I didn't want to lose her or scare her off. Once I saw she liked me, and was happy around me, I was so afraid of losing it. Perhaps if I did that, the last girl I dated would've turned out differently. I lost this girl months ago who I was absolutely crazy about and was so convinced we had something special that was going somewhere. Things were going great between us. Talking or seeing each other every day, even started running errands together, all these future plans.. There was so much potential. Well, the rug got pulled out from under me and I get my heart broken in a pretty brutal way. One day I just teased her a little about not having seen the Harry Potter series (yes it's that ridiculous). But she snapped at me and got very defensive. She ghosts me for a week, and when I finally hear back she said I'm just not interested anymore and there's multiple reasons she thinks it won't work. No further explanation than that, she refused to elaborate. 2 months later I try her again, and she tells me it wouldn't work due to our different religions which was the first I heard about this. She's Muslim and I'm Christian. I was absolutely crushed. It's been months now and I still haven't gotten over her, and now just recently discovered she's seeing someone else which I shouldn't be surprised at. But now it feels like I got a dagger straight to the first wound that I was healing from. I had been thinking of contacting her for a little while now, but what little hope I was naively holding onto is now gone. I really didn't want this to be the one that I'm having to learn from. She meant so much to me, and not a day has gone by that I haven't missed her. Anyway, this video did help put some things in perspective. I only hope the next girl I meet, I can do things better and hopefully not be left heartbroken like this again.

[@antoniotucci7140]

I feel I’ve been to eager to please

[@joannawrzelikowska3273]

8:23 narcissist doesn't care about your opinion. They talk and talk and talk We don't communicate our needs because at home nobody cares about my opinion. But this is another topic, the best to talk about it in your therapy

[@lindac6830]

Great info! Just curious, are there ANY secure people in the online dating pool Matthew?

[@iflirtwithdisaster2752]

What about the fearful avoidant attachment? @Matthew

[@MrSamIAm39]

That’s me!

[@rozitagh4479]

I wish i see this video six months ego. I did all these wrong things and destroy my relationship

[@daleswain9520]

Yep that is me 1000% ugh.