Understanding Trauma - Part 12 - Boundaries

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[@nishasankaran]

Excellent, ty. I’m in my late 40s and only in the last year have my repeated physical and emotional boundaries been ‘seen’ and somewhat respected. Well 1 or 2 boundaries but that’s still kind of shocking to me lol. I’m holding fast to no longer abandoning myself… and if it’s still practice for family of origin to continue to throw me under the bus, which they still do, that’s on them. I’m not around it anymore. Tough decision for me, wasn’t easy for me to get here but showing myself self love and respect. Finally ❤🎉

[@jenniferfox8382]

This is where I'm at. I haven't been able to progress in life because I've had zero boundaries. I have no clue how to find healthy good people and set boundaries. I kicked out all the shitty people in my life; narcissists, egotistical people, selfish people, etc. I distanced from unhealthy family members. All that was very empowering but, now I do need a support group of good people.

[@jarkachalmovianska7812]

Become healthy and good yourself and you will attrackt healthy and good people❤

[@annasamuelsson8096]

I'm in the situation and to make new connections is low, since I live in the countryside with very few inhabitants. So now I ended up very alone

[@Sraheens1]

I’m in a big city and it’s lonely too...but no company is better than toxic company. God bless you. @@annasamuelsson8096

[@MariaPardo-MaryVi]

19:31 @@annasamuelsson8096Hello Anna, you can connect me if you wanted

[@georgiewatson8688]

Same here love. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to find kind-hearted people, in fact i'm not so sure that many of them exist. People, especially us women, have become so self-absorbed in our own worlds we don't even notice other people let alone want to support anyone who needs a little support. I dunno, i think we're all doomed tbh. I think i'm just gonna get a cat and be done with it all

[@kikibutterfly1137]

“ Say yes to the right things! “ Love it! ❤❤❤

[@lindafogarty3924]

I have been looking for someone just like Tim Fletcher who is a Christian and is able to understand these concepts and has the right worldly view. He knows so much and is an amazing teacher and I’m so thankful!

[@everlast4719]

Thanks tim, you are a fabulous human being. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜💟 to you and to all.

[@alrighttumbleweed4782]

It is beyond helpful how specifically you have broken this down and I appreciate the slides with specific examples for what kind of things fit into each category. I think it's a really unique perspective and one of the hardest things to find practical advice and guidance for. I think a lot of the time our healthy role models who we would ask for advice can't come from a perspective where this kind of thing does not come naturally. Healthy people say beautiful things about listening to your heart, connecting with your true self, intentionally filling your days with things you love and spending energy on people who treat you right. You get home from their place and feel ashamed of all the ways you're failing to reciprocate each of the lovely relationships you're trying to squash onto your lego brick. You want to do things for you as well, so you cram in a tonne of fun things. Your health is important so you workout and cook from scratch. You do a tonne of volunteering your time to the good ones who you love or people in need. But you feel more exhausted than ever. You look at people who are doing a million things and thriving even in chaotic environments and you try to do what they do. You feel less valuable that you can't do what they do. Normal human limitations feel like failures that normal people don't have. Trying to live healthy, keeping in line with your values and desires feels mystical and exhausting. It feels unattainable and like there's some part of the puzzle that I'm missing. It's genuinely a relief to have someone spell it out like this.

[@NattyByNature-]

They’ve done it all to me and end result is I’ve cut all ties. I only speak with my brother and I put my phone on DND when I don’t want to talk or don’t answer him: I’m committed to my healing because there’s more to do and be and no one will stop me from getting the blessings that I deserve once I do the work. Not my relatives, not my negative mind, not loneliness and definitely not my trauma. I need me NOW ❤

[@imbolc8024]

Gosh... finally (😊) a 'confirmation' of a man i respect a lot, where i so so struggle with.. bless you and all of you kind people here who relate, greetings from Belgium🤗. The 'hook after hook' omgoodness... totally happening!! Thank you

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

This is confirmation of why the struggle is so hard.🥴

[@annwethenorth]

Doesn't have to be do the silent prayer @jlptalk

[@stvn0378]

I struggle much because of the confliction between determining whether I should reasonably bend a little more to other's perceptions or if I am indeed right to remaining indignant to those people who pushed my boundaries... it's hard if the difficult people in question are unconscious and avoid confrontation... if they are indeed unconscious of their errors

[@jennyk1166]

Hook after hook after hook and a looooong battle. For real.

[@imbolc8024]

💯 soooo true, i was like GOODNESS, each every hook 'spot on', those games...

[@manyBlessings2all]

Wow so very grateful for this altho it is a lot to take in.. blimey.. But I can feel this detailed & clear explanation is a big piece of the puzzle for me. I've been trying to figure out about "boundaries" for years, multiple people have said I have a problem with them but didn't explain & I didn't know how to do them better. Being diagnosed autistic & adhd 5yrs ago (aged 48!) helped me review various problematic interactions & be aware I may be misinterpreting things more than I thought, & helped me be nicer to myself & less reactive. And the complex trauma factors explained here make a lot of sense. And to realise there are personal AND external boundaries! I haven't heard it put like that before.. & helpful to realise that I struggle with personal ones, as well as external. Yes, seemingly incapable of setting any with others, one 'close' relationship in particular, as I am aware that it's important to be able to follow through & I don't think I could, but by not setting any I seem to have become a doormat & PA, altho I also have muttered various times about things needing to be different, but can't seem to speak it clearly, the proverbial cat gets my tongue, so that's likely taught them that there won't be any consequences, I'll keep doing what I've always done, which suits them, they say thank you and I continue feeling a mix of relief, satisfaction at meeting someone's /their needs, & resentment & frustration, & confusion, plus irritation with myself. And it takes my time & energy & feels out of balance. But I'm also glad to help, or at least been trying to support & encourage, but when told that I'm just enabling, or I wonder if I'm simply reinforcing a 'learned helplessness' (from cptsd I can see clearly, but he also has a pattern of self-medicating intermittently with alcohol & smoking (natural baccy) Really helpful info tho I would love to have some 1:1 sessions with a therapist who understands all this as it still feels nebulous, & I'm not properly sure what has caused this issue for me, I feel like a puppet on strings, the 'compelled' feeling is annoying & uncomfy, tho I can see some factors. Also grateful to hear you speak about 'yes' being meaningless without an effective 'no', as I have experienced this & it can be very painful.. & is sad, frustrating, & difficult, for me and also for others, & can make a messy situation or, if the other person doesn't realise, it still seems to unconsciously create a lot of stress/tension within me. Sigh. Thank you again Tim, I love your calm accessible detailed presentations 🙏💚🌷💕🌟 (I missed the start of the Live so I'm listening to it all again on the Replay ~ Thank You for providing Replay link & instantly too 😁)

[@karenphoenix8777]

I’m soon to be 60 and still struggle with boundaries , I didn’t understand how to, I have a few but really this was good advice and explained well . I hope I can think this thru . It’s usually to late and then to set it , I get well if you didn’t do this I wouldn’t yell , this is supposed to be someone working. Or they say partners . Buisness ! Nope can’t be that at all

[@kurt6410]

I'd love to hear you talk about the relationship between complex trauma and counter depdenancy

[@melissahay328]

Yes! Agreed!

[@melodeelewis462]

Your work is a breakthrough! It's astounding in describing me the last 68. Feel to old to do the work.

[@melissaayres6347]

This is an absolute critical. It difficult part in the recovery!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!❤

[@cintalopez-teijeiro5683]

Great video as usual, really like this format 😊

[@marwamohamed6332]

I appreciate all the knowledge you give us. Thank you so much.

[@olgaaskenaziabady2072]

So wonderful.., Gd bless you for bringing all this to us with such clarity

[@kikibutterfly1137]

I really appreciate your video. Boundaries are difficult.🥰

[@melodeelewis462]

I did not know I was until a bit to late. Children grown. Learning I did that.

[@Evelorgen]

Very insightful and helpful--thank you!

[@Janiacster]

You really nailed the roleplay! Ive heard it all.

[@wicked1172]

A new concept to me.

[@KoolT]

Go boundaries

[@silvinelynci2271]

thank you

[@phoenixaz8431]

Those of us not gifted with the right inner tools or environment have to work constantly, 5 times harder than people who have naturally strong boundaries. Don't know why God willed almost everything to be difficult and painful in my life. I've dealt with very negative emotions my entire life. If my life is a testament to God's love, I hope he starts hating me so i could have a good and full life. It sucks to create someone you *know* will be miserable. To me, life has *mostly* felt like a burden of which I would have been glad to have been spared. The thought of having to do this thankless existence for decades would make my heart sink as a young boy. God is so cruel.

[@ikkarus87]

Jesus had a cruel ending. Imagine how much more he would have suffered, if he hadn't had faith in God ;) I'm trly sorry youre going through such a rough time. Dont give up on yourself, and dont deny yourself all the help you can get ❤

[@etcwhatever]

I think it might improve for you as soon as you start college and work. Yes, there will be still some unpleasant events. But gaining your money and accomplishing goals gives you more choices. My teens where very complicated times so i get it.

[@donnag.3611]

I'm so sorry for all you have experienced in the negative zone! But I can assure you that God was NOT the author of any of those things...it has to do w/ our family of origin or the world influence & especially, satan & his minions who want to destroy every one & everything! In God is LIGHT & there is NO DARKNESS in Him...that is the truth. God is willing that NO ONE should perish. All of God's promises have to do w/ love & mercy & grace, etc. But WE need to go to Him & pour out our hearts to Him & ask Him to show us what we need to know, especially to know HIM!

[@janetkramer689]

From age 3-6 I was left to be in front of the tv while my mom slept while my two older siblings were in school. She worked 11pm to 7 am so my parents could get a house. My mom was a very strict authoritarian never allowing me to have boundaries. At age 16 I was pregnant and was pretty much told to get married. The question my mother asked us was do you love each other. How did I know? The marriage turned abusive a few years after. I took my vows seriously and hung in for 14 years. Me and four children moved away after I got a job. About ten years later my oldest died by suicide. I clocked out as a parent for over a year. Last September I fell victim to a scam at age 70. I now am very sick and have no idea how to have boundaries.

[@C-Span222]

Thank you!😊

[@suzijorgensen6545]

Boundaries, for me,are very difficult. I've been isolated from all the mutual friends I had when I was married to a narcissistic, range filled husband. 15 years on, he's on a tyrade on our eldest daughter. She was his target for physical and emotional abuse from the time her younger brother was born. Now I've been single for years. I don't trust myself with single men. And a man who is very new to our church. I'm the kind of person who embraces anyone to show them Yeshua. I've made the mistake of allowing this man to text me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I've been so lonely for so long, I KNOW that the pain can't be filled by a relationship. I've been sooo lonely for so long. Can you please help?

[@DavidTwiss-nw5it]

I'm skizoefetif and manea and PTSD and I push people away and I sometimes isolate from people and I'm not putting inpatient boundaries and I'm thankful for the help I'm getting from others and I don't have All the jobs skills anymore and I need to learn to get serten people out of my life I don't know if it's because I grew up in the system and out pashint therapy and it fills like I need validation a lot and people take care of me and I'm struggling to work and I avoid people that are on helthy to be around and I'm not sure if I need to stand up for myself

[@Metaphysics-for-life]

I'm experiencing ALL of the Negative De-motivators !! 😲 And it's been going on for at least two years 😞

[@TheBurlyIrishman1]

That’s what my sync has done, but all of the criteria paint me to be the Narcissistic Person. I don’t know what reality is…the crazy part is that SHE IS AN ADDICTIONS COUNSELOR. She is a Masters educated counselor.

[@theraptureisnearbelieveinj448]

💕the flowers! 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

[@user-jk6qg5ec9e]

Boundaries get easier as you can deeply understand what’s happening (in life) and what are you doing with it.

[@michael-ianmcinnes5224]

What is the problem with having a relationship with my grown daughter? I drove truck and missed a lot of things including milestones but now because i wasn’t in her core of people close i can’t ever be?

[@Heru_Iluvatar]

28:51 Isn't rather the case that the wounds experienced by the limbic brain affect mental and physical health?

[@user-bn2st5kx8h]

I havent heard anyone else distinct between limbic brain and frontal cortex ..also i thought we are our feelings aka the limbic brain and didnt hold square logic to any esteem which is quite interesting bcoz it would mean the frontal cortex decided to not hold the frontal cortex to esteem

[@thehubrisoftheunivris2432]

I got off heroin, thought I was good, got into a relationship with a horrible person to help their kids have a chance, and then coped with alcohol. Don't think your invincible just because you did the impossible.

[@katherineirvin7464]

And when someone who in the past has shown that they are manipulative, even when they're "nice" likely it's another manipulative tactic. Stay the course. You should be treated nice.

[@victoriaohlendorf7525]

Starting with klo papier (toilet paper) klo is toilet bowl... VPO.. TY!

[@victoriaohlendorf7525]

Toll means great... VPO.. TY!

[@victoriaohlendorf7525]

Tools belongs in the werkstatt (workshop)... VPO.. TY!

[@victoriaohlendorf7525]

Zufrieden is contented

[@victoriaohlendorf7525]

Lust is like feeling to do it, or not feeling to do... VPO.. TY!

[@victoriaohlendorf7525]

So be a good friends, is just a friends to drink coffee... VPO.. TY!

[@lindaandersen1282]

I think one important thing to remember about boundaries when you're in unhealthy relationships is...boundaries are healthier for all concerned in the long run. I have to keep reminding myself of that..

[@jonc7330]

Soooo goooood info...but your microphone needs to be better

[@AnnLi-lm2kd]

❤❤

[@MorboDerBlaue]

Very good Content, but the Audio is Horrible!

[@rabbitcreative]

Test

[@melodeelewis462]

Keep up and invent medication that will dull limbic system Your more on to affects complex trauma last 300 years .years.