Trump Wishes The Dems Were "Kiddingly" About Impeachment

President Trump may have been kidding about building a wall in Colorado, but House Democrats are not joking around when it comes to advancing the impeachment probe. #Monologue #LSSC #Colbert
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

[@Ectava]

When a defense attorney has to hire a defense attorney.....something has gone horribly wrong.

[@garnnet211]

Maybe the defense attorney to the defense attorney will have to hire a defense attorney lol.

[@hedegaard8]

Why? Its insane to represent yourself. Guess you don't know law. Good luck.

[@PokerPlayerJames]

I know you're just poking fun at Rudy but an attorney having an attorney is not unusual. It's generally considered best practice.

[@telectronix1368]

@@hedegaard8 Oh dear, that was a 'rebuttal' of truly Trumpian weakness. The **point** is that an attorney should follow the law and shouldn't end up, for example, involved in so many shady people and situations that they are suspected of aiding in high crimes. These criminal cases are not trivial and they are not brought about for frivilous reasons. Rudi "Truth isn't truth" Giuliani has gotten himself into this situation either because he knowingly was aiding criminals or was too incompetent to realise. Either way......it ain't a good indicator of a high-quality, upstanding lawyer.

[@Alejandro_87]

I understand that it is not in the least bit unusual for an attorney to have an attorney but lets be honest here..... if you're the president's personal attorney looking for a criminal attorney to represent you in an active CRIMINAL investigation.... that just does not look good at all.

[@paulybrunner9091]

I was at a bar here in Colorado when he said this on TV...MY GOD we all just laughed! What a Putz!

[@kathywilkins5546]

@Maritza Piccarillo because he is too ignorant to realize Colorado does not border with Mexico.

[@sapphireriddles6692]

We can only hope he meant to say california

[@berndwurzer8404]

But you know! There ist a border to "New Mexico" ... :D

[@sandragouthro1168]

pauly brunner The Great Wall of Colorado! Look at all the Putzes who stood and applauded his announcement! Maybe they think it will keep Spanky out.

[@submariner50]

Haters don't allow for a verbal mistake. The President talks a lot in public. That's a Good thing. Past presidents have mostly kept things secret from us. Like him or not, he is showing us what he thinks and why he does what he does. He has been persecuted like No other president in history. Why? Because this in the shadows of government realize they are Nit in power now. They expected crooked Hillary to be elected. The people have spoken. Give it a rest. Vote your mind in 2020. Freedom isn't free.

[@Yeoitsski]

“I miss you facts”. Same man, same

[@TheTrimed1]

I watched a 5 minutes KZbin commercial where a scientist explained why facts don't change. The very sad and chilling reality is that a Trump supporter would see it as propaganda.

[@davidnelson6200]

It's like a cult.

[@brucewayne7252]

Wanna see REAL collusion my friend? Check this out- kzbin.info/www/bejne/g3_bdnelorqfjtk

[@hutianyi6948]

"Oh my, cannibalism." -Jon Batiste, 2019

[@ethanrobertson560]

Hu Tianyi arguably one of the best lines he’s had

[@nuckinfuts7610]

*"Finally, they're not calling me orange anymore. I'm-peach!"* 🍑

[@telectronix1368]

IM🍑

[@2020_Visi0n]

That's actually pretty good.

[@kimohilldale8400]

But he is still orange

[@kevinstrong8265]

That's awesome!

[@dc-qi7tf]

Hilarious

[@SeerWS]

Give your writers a raise for this episode

[@noskillzdad5504]

This one was on fire, tbh.

[@couragekarnga8735]

The whole team works perfectly! I love this show!

[@truthbrotha1244]

Courage Karnga Yes... it tickles your lizard brain. Feels good, huh? Perhaps read a book instead? 🤷‍♂️

[@dlxinfinite7098]

His Bernie is pretty good. Great episode.

[@sanderstar1000]

Laugh after laugh

[@anotsosexysaxman5914]

"They're like Romeo and Juliet except everyone else wants to kill themselves." HAHAHA goddamn that was great

[@bthsr7113]

A little too close to home for me to laugh.

[@silverpurkat]

We have to have some dark humor in order to cope with what we are seeing in front of us.

[@m.g.mourad3241]

“Feel the burn then hold it until you start coughing” 😂😂😂

[@DavidJ222]

Was he "kiddingly" too when he said Mexico was going to pay for the wall?😂

[@riparianlife97701]

New Mexico is paying for the wall!

[@Gauss6174]

@@riparianlife97701 exactly, he never said which mexico

[@nhungngo6798]

MAYBE, MEX WILL PAY FOR THE IMPEACHMENT.

[@AutotuneSucksBalls]

Docktor Jim Mexico Mexic Mexi Mex Me

[@suddenturnforthebest2282]

Nice. (Kiddingly) We're building the wall right now! (Kiddingly) Mexico will pay for it! (Kiddingly) We're bringing the troops home! (Kiddingly) I'm a stable genius! ( Kiddingly) I'm doing what's best for the American people, not myself! I get it now, the (kiddingly) is suppose to be at the beginning of every b.s. statement he makes, he's just leaving it out cause it would take hours everyday to put that in the beginning of every tweet! Brilliant Trump, brilliant..

[@DracoNobilis]

"Rudy if youre looking for a good attorney, dont look into the mirror!" "Rudy : joke's on you sucker. I never had a reflection in the mirror!"

[@jadenquest9544]

Lmao 😂

[@tiernyt2051]

Lol!! Okay this is a good one.

[@leopoldbloom4835]

Someone in Stephen‘s writer team should get fired for not inventing that joke! 😂

[@slcRN1971]

This is such a good retort that I keep chuckling every time I think about it.....THANKS!!

[@nehasudhir2400]

Stephen: “the walls are closing in-“ Me: “on Colorado?”

[@blahguy6679]

Have you been to downtown Denver?

[@onedivbypi2241]

I'm not sure if he is shipping the boarder wall to Colorado but he separated kids from parents at the border and shipped the parents as far away as Seattle. At least all they need to do is get over the wall in Colorado from new Canada and they can find their kids in new New Mexico on the other side ? America, you are all fired... Fake Impeachment.

[@reneerenee2986]

@@onedivbypi2241 😂😂😂😂😂WOW!

[@CyberLx]

We are with you in prayers.

[@jessf1663]

Oh no

[@anitafix4053]

Those people behind him were told stand up and clap or lose today's pay. They should of been looking at each other going WTF

[@jennifermoriarty2188]

Even a Democrat rally isn't thinking when at a rally and will clap for nonsense

[@SeaLeta]

I remember someone in the comments saying he's gonna make a dumb tweet defending his words on building a wall in Colorado.

[@thepolarcool1]

Right. He's so egotistical and can't fathom admitting making a mistake. So instead of saying he misspoke he just sends out a bullshit tweet trying to justify it

[@kaoko111]

Pfff... Trump taking to Twitter to defend one of their (MANY) dumb statements? Is like predicting that tomorrow we will have a sunrise.

[@suddenturnforthebest2282]

Right on The Sid, he literally can't admit he's wrong, and I mean literally. Dude by the time you said the hurricane going to affect Alabama, yes there was a chance, 5 days prior. It's so ridiculously obvious and you couldn't ever get most Trumpets to admit he's ever lied once in office. Even when you point out like when he said his rally-goers were soaking wet in rain waiting for him when it didn't rain a drop that day, they answer it with something to do with how bad Democrats are and make no sense. We like have to be living in a simulation..

[@AeroGold1]

@@thepolarcool1 same with how he added a sharpie line to the map to justify Alabama getting hit by the hurricane

[@53cr3t4ccnt]

@@AeroGold1 does this mean We call must return to school because the maps are redrawn?

[@7XHARDER]

That Romeo and Juliet joke couldn't be more accurate, alleviated my depression for a solid 10 mins

[@lindaleelaw5277]

7X HARDER try Dry Bar comedy - the cleanest comedy and funny ; and also Gerry Brooks ( he's a h s principal in KY. And hysterical. ) I find both make me laugh so hard I cry

[@RicardoMorales_REI]

Stephen is a genius delivering his monologue. This guy is a master. He had me laughing all 12 minutes! 😂

[@elainegambone2098]

I-

[@GamingTonberry]

When the president calls being elected "The Insurance Policy", you know something smells in D.C. and it isn't the Rose Garden.

[@brooklyna007]

I think you misunderstood it. He was calling the Russia investigation an insurance policy by the democrats in case Trump got elected.

[@Koooo4]

How long before he brings out the map and sharpie to prove Colorado IS at the border?

[@alisaoliver1969]

Yeah....just what I was thinking!!!😂😂😂😂

[@mlpfanboy1701]

Mine Finder obama admited he was wrong

[@Koooo4]

@@Mine-Finder bUt ObAmA

[@Koooo4]

@John michael you got some serious issues my dude..

[@katrose5179]

John michael I’m pretty sure the Catholic Church frowns on things like telling people who to vote for. In fact, I know it. Now, many a priest ignores that. It’s still so. Are you a troll pretending to be Catholic in an attempt to turn people against Colbert? I mean, you’re definitely a troll. I’m just curious how much you actually believe what you’re writing. See, if Jesus is actually dictating messages to you, and you were Catholic, I have a hard time believing you wouldn’t contact the Church about it. Mind, they evaluate such claims pretty strictly, just as they do claims of miracles. They also frown pretty strongly on people putting blatant political messages into Jesus’s mouth. Hmm. If you are indeed Catholic, might want to talk to your priest about this manner of writing comments you have going on.

[@davidlane256]

He could throw the ball underhanded. I hear he’s good at underhanded

[@maxdoubt5219]

Heh! David, y're a wag! He won't _throw_ the ball. He'll _huck_ it. I hear he's a good huckster...

[@andrewmastin4312]

He’ll just take the ball and go home.

[@TazorNissen]

The only thing Trump can throw, is a tantrum..

[@fandomguy8025]

HA!

[@Surge1077]

Can those tiny hands of his even grip a baseball?

[@skaphanatic5657]

Fun fact: we actually used to have a Naval base in Idaho where we trained the nuclear operators for the aircraft carriers and submarines.

[@saintmichael1779]

"Honey-baked scam..." His writers are on the top of their game.

[@chrisfloyd7316]

The worst part is that the people kept clapping once he said Colorado

[@nulnoh219]

Standing ovation. Those hard hat guys stood up and clapped when he said Walls in Colorado. He loves the poorly educated.

[@triple_axel973]

Even an ovation

[@pj2334]

Probably someone turned on the applause sign.

[@nayinayi1]

Obviously they are not listing to what he is saying. They are there to get paid to clap and make noise...

[@AmyB369]

Russia gave then hamburder coupons to clap

[@lolawants2008]

“They’re like Romeo and Juliet… Except everybody else wants to kill themselves” *best line ever* 👌

[@Elandrianthetrue]

whoever wrote that joke deserves a raise

[@frankmalinaro9700]

Spot -on observation !

[@spod9135]

Oh John Batiste's comments always kill me but 'Oh, my! Cannibalism!' wins the prize!!!!

[@jawshoowa]

"A herd of white men is called a J-crew." Nearly spit soup on my monitor.

[@jawshoowa]

@oiuet souiu Yes, the best Bernie out there (well, aside from Bernie)!

[@jacobsimon4358]

"Oh, my, Cannibalism." -Jon Batiste 2019

[@davidmendizabal9892]

Even Stephen laughed at that

[@davey1272250]

omg searching the comments for this ! He said it so casually

[@BWAcolyte]

9:37

[@cindyyeager8627]

Boo him out of the stadium.

[@brian-beeler]

That would drive him crazy. I mean crazier than he's now.

[@messy352]

Cindy Yeager : That would be awesome! Of course he will probably say that he got a standing ovation and that anyone who reports on it is “fake news.”

[@hippiecowgirl4231]

messy352 , that is exactly what would happen

[@Kratsen]

@@messy352 And don't forget: He also will have "made the most tremendous first throw in american history ("they" say maybe in all the histories) and even made the first homerun in alle the histories of baseball." Everything else must be "FAKE NEWS"....

[@Ethan.s..]

If that happened, biff would say that the people are all hired actors from the DNC.

[@oz7141]

This was one of the best Colbert monologues, hands down.

[@NafaratMiyaMiya]

Oh My God! that Bernie impression at the end had me laughing sooo hard!!!

[@ArutaretiI]

In Rudy's case, it would be pointless to look in the mirror, he can't see himself in it.

[@recklessroges]

Hey! That's offensive to vampires! Monsters like Rudy do cast a reflection, (they just never reflect upon their actions.)

[@alanmacification]

With Miller, Conway, and Graham,that makes two vampires, a zombie, and Dr. Jeckle.

[@wullieg7269]

Ready for Halloween.

[@lindseyd8344]

Ah SNAP. 🙊

[@wullieg7269]

Al,whose the were WOOOOOOOOOlf?.

[@dayumdaniel1]

Man, everything is just sad now. Everyday more lies, more disgusting excuses..

[@sterlingp.6992]

Lol snowflake

[@ADerpyReality]

At least some US media calls the president out. Not as much in Australia and our PM/his party.

[@daisylandis9664]

@@sterlingp.6992 says the snowflake offended by justice.

[@daisylandis9664]

@@petersmith3355 what on earth is wrong with you? homophobia is unacceptable in this day and age. you may legally have the right to say it, but don't be surprised when people react negatively to open homophobia.

[@nicholaslewis8594]

American Made, Donald Trump is the President of the United States, so a person we have to talk about.

[@dustinf49]

"Together, we will trip balls!"

[@canadmexi]

The very serious way he delivers the assault joke makes me laugh harder than this show has ever made me laugh.

[@francoisrd]

Almost all of trump’s attorneys need their own attorneys. Yikes

[@lindseyd8344]

Lmao

[@andrewmastin4312]

Yup. Sekulow and Barr are next in line.

[@DonnaMarie113]

You outdid yourself tonight, Stephen!

[@jonesba2004]

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LET BERNIE WIN!!! I long for the day when the orange scourge is in the past and Stephen is free to make Bernie impressions allllll daaaaay loooong!!!

[@PixelLulu]

American politics October 2019: "Abuse of power is not against the law" #embarrassing

[@trippsmclovin]

@Terry Alford that isn't a law..... lol. He was american born... like he revealed after a lot of republican jackassery over the course of 8 years. America was built by IMMIGRANTS like your grandpappy. Hard working people who in the majority are apparently awful lot smarter than you. As they have to know that to be a citizen. Do you use google? You know it is free right?

[@babybirdhome]

Terry Alford You know this crazy newfangled internet thingy that you're commenting on has this amazing ability to let you read the actual law and see that even if Obama HAD been born in Kenya like you fuckers claim, he would STILL be a natural born citizen of the United States by birth because he was born to a natural born American citizen mother who had lived in the United States for at least ten years. What's funny is that you dipshits were all fine and dandy with John McCain running against him when he was ACTUALLY and PROVABLY born outside the United States, by every document and every witness and by McCain himself. But whatever. Who cares about the truth? This is all about stomping some libtards faces into the ground isn't it? Because fuck lefties for giving a shit about something other than themselves and money!

[@MetalDetroit]

Luigi Fanzini As long as your name is Biden or Clinton

[@theozlander4629]

Yeah my jaw dropped when he said that nonsense. The next democrat president will have SO MANY legs to stand on.

[@cruzboy2763]

Wow

[@fatlacesthedon]

Orange is the new inmate

[@Trund27]

FATLACES THEDON LOL!!

[@kylaarmstrong-benjamin5986]

Peach is the new orange!

[@vickijones2013]

that orange pig man aint going no where....

[@mikelouis9389]

He's gonna give the guards heart attacks at head count. They'll think there's an empty uniform standing there.

[@vikingsweden13]

Q is ...who is paying for this dream wall of the clown on charge

[@timan2039]

Walling off Kansas is not the worst idea.

[@claudettes9697]

Be nice, hahaha

[@rebeccasickler4555]

Let us Democrats out before you do. There's only 10 of us.

[@sailormoonstone5172]

Woah🤣We ain’t all bad

[@Elephantstonica]

Walling off the US would be a better one.

[@friendofdorothy9376]

Don’t forget Oklahoma.

[@Fraterchaoraterchaos]

MAGA: My Attorney Got an Attorney

[@RWald8888]

Maga: make asshole go away

[@mrbanditoxyz]

@kissmyaass1 - Bless your heart - we know you just can't help the braindamage...

[@chrischilders4248]

@kissmyaass1 ok boomer.

[@oldricegod]

@@RWald8888 Good One! Lol😂😂😂

[@mylesastinnette6208]

frater chaos 🤣🤣

[@kevinfreeman3837]

"Thank you republicans for supporting me in my criminal activity, and for allowing me to enrich myself from all the bad business dealings that have made me poor, morally and financially"

[@SabaDhutt]

“I love the President so much, I may never love another President again “- Matt Gaetz. Ffs sake man grow a pair, do you know how’s that clip gonna look after Trump’s gone?

[@MrBswede]

He’s obviously drunk driving again.

[@Montesama314]

Republicans have notoriously short memories.

[@chloekey8043]

sheryl martin well, there you go, he’s got no brains or honor

[@ms.aelanwyr.ilaicos]

It's pretty chilling language, to be honest. Never wanting another president again is called a dictatorship. The fact that republicans would sooner choose their party over their country is a truly awful state of affairs.

[@troyjardine5850]

Florida needs to boot Matt out of office next election,he mortifies the state

[@StevieMeyer]

The "greatest witch hunt in American history" as if there weren't actual witch hunts in American history

[@jstnsmutek]

(in Trump's voice) But nobody tweeted abouted at the time so it doesn't count

[@patsysadowski1546]

They were mostly women though, so he’s on brand.

[@nartouzumaki8232]

its more like a Son of a Bitch Hunt

[@neerajamb]

Stevie Meyer Irony is dead.

[@jiorts]

if his weight matches the one of a pumpkin he shall be removed from office

[@frankingram3477]

A great man is reminded by many how great he is, a con man has to constantly tell everyone how great he thinks he is.

[@beyondthedevil933]

He also spelled "referred" wrong. Probably kiddingly.

[@yogib8]

hahahahahahaha

[@mo0oks1]

That and the entire tweet sounds like insane syphilitic ramblings

[@judioregan4210]

@@mo0oks1 - his tweets always sound like syphilitic ramblings.

[@griffinsmith2109]

Also what tf is up with him capitalizing every other word

[@lindaward3156]

@@griffinsmith2109 I've Always Wondered that...i don't "do" twitter so I thot it, at first, it was something I was, as usual, behind in. I'm still, as usual, behind in most things modern but I manage. I find it disconcerting to be much more intelligent than the President of the United States. it's not supposed to work that way!

[@PrincessofErised]

"It is just like Romeo and Juliet, except everyone else wants to kill themselves." THAT was a for real Laugh Out Loud

[@DavidGonzalezSamudio]

Extra credit for spelling Juliet correctly =)

[@thesuccessfulone]

It was so good

[@EasyKiwi111]

Very cringey how Gaetz thinks he’s so badass

[@chrissiek8706]

Kindergarten bully thinking he's Rembo 😒

[@P.M.P.181]

Cringingly

[@smike-lz8uf]

@@P.M.P.181 Cringy, cringingly, chringey - they all fit, lol

[@bstessman]

He is such a frat douche you can just imagine the Lacoste Polos through the internet with a heavy whiff of drakkar noir

[@gwen3010]

He tried going in by himself and was stopped then he gathered a few bad men to storm the room.

[@mohnapriyanka]

"Bring your chin to work day" 😂 "What do we want?" "What we have" "When do we want it?" "Already got it" "Why are we here?" "I don't know" 🤣 I know which turkey Trump's gonna pardon this year 😂😂😂

[@rachelbrenner4092]

I want the Sparta : "This is stupid!" .Gif.

[@bgmcc907]

The high Bernie Sanders impression: instant classic comedy gold.

[@myview3367]

"I miss you facts. Come back, I'll floss this time." 😂 spit my coffee out with that one.

[@riesberg319]

Oh my god, Steven....You've been working on your Bernie impression, and it shows! That was fantastic.

[@SirConto]

The 300 analogy is spot on: they were making a stand against people trying to storm their oligarchy.

[@blackbird5634]

People ask me all the time "Where is Colorado?" and I tell them "It's in Texas." These are good people, the best people, there are good people on both sides.

[@CallieMasters5000]

50-50 odds that you can find something in Texas, so that's a good answer

[@penguin12902]

Colorado is big, some people even say it's the biggest city in the world!

[@blackbird5634]

@@penguin12902 It's got Miami International Airport and that IS big! Everyone is saying so.

[@strawberryhellcat4738]

@@blackbird5634 And a fierce battle was fought at that airport during the Revolutionary War!

[@blackbird5634]

@@strawberryhellcat4738 Frederick Douglas was there too, he came all the way from Finland where he was raking the forest to prevent forest fires. And by the way, windmills cause cancer. Which i bet you didn't know, but many people don't know this. i know it, because i have a big, a-brain.

[@angelsantiago4903]

What worries me is the idiots giving him a standing ovation after he said wall in Colorado.

[@janetmcgibney]

That's because they are Gobshites! That's an Irish saying for Idiots 😜😉😜

[@olgarodriguez2142]

Cuz its hilariously and stupid. Trump is dumb asa rock

[@olgarodriguez2142]

The comment did its job. It is hilarious for its absurdity!

[@tomasviane3844]

That's because they had no idea where Colorado was. They were actors, brought in from the Deep State.

[@kevint1929]

The way John just said "Oh my. Cannibalism." in that slightly surprised tone of voice friggan killed me

[@tinoramos5139]

The idiots in the background gave him a standing ovation for his Colorado wall declaration.

[@jessf1663]

Stupid is what stupid does.

[@yawmonte7707]

Why don't you want a wall?

[@judioregan4210]

@@yawmonte7707 - for Colorado?!?

[@judioregan4210]

They were probably told that if they didn't they'd be fired. Did you see how clean and brand new their hard hats and high vis vests were? Hmmm....🤔🤔🤔

[@yawmonte7707]

@@judioregan4210 obviously not for Colorado but the Southern borders

[@robertarrowood3651]

We've learned that if your lawyer needs a lawyer things are getting bad.

[@ll7868]

Leonidas and the 300 Spartans were slaughtered along with most of their allies. Great comparison, let's hope the same happens to Gaetz and the idiots who were with him.

[@PetroicaRodinogaster264]

ᕼᑌᗰᗩᑎ ᖴᗴᒪᒪᗩ don’t knock Leonidas...WE ARE SPARTA

[@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing]

And they were _also_ big on Eugenics

[@clancywiggam]

Good point, but more importantly, how have you got that font on your name?

[@TheNefastor]

@@PetroicaRodinogaster264 if by "we" you mean "America", I don't recall the majority of Spartans being obese morons.

[@nickmessner700]

Can we not advocate for the death of people we disagree with? We need to hold ourselves to higher standards.

[@paulellis9670]

Trump doesn’t know how to construct a joke . I will start him off : “ Eleven Corinthians walked into a bar.........”

[@wagonstation3709]

Paul Ellis Bahahaha!

[@junesmind7325]

I'm curious.. Are the two of you still alive and what's the situation in the US??

[@wiiu923]

The musician knows how to hype up a joke “cannibalism!” Lmao that was the perfect timing

[@awesomeized1432]

“What do we want?” “WHAT WE HAVE!” “When do we want it?” “ALREADY GOT IT!” “Why are we here?” “I DON’T KNOW!” 😂😂😂

[@SomeRandomJackAss]

That should open most Republican meetings, tbh.

[@smooth5755]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@robertmillar180]

For me that was the best gag of the show!😂

[@awesomeized1432]

Robert Millar Agreeeed

[@stampandscrap7494]

You are a star

[@MeleeTiger]

"I miss you facts, come back..." We repeat this every waking moment... Also that'd make a good shirt.

[@FoolishMortal78]

"Greatest Witch Hunt in History." Salem does a slow clap.

[@disdehcet]

This weeks shows have been so funny, I haven't rofl'd this hard in so long

[@kirapufy]

Trump's new slogan for 2020: Every State Gets a Wall! You Get a Wall! And You Get a Wall! And Greenland will pay for all!

[@jadenquest9544]

It rhymes

[@AlbertoGarcia-hk6jd]

GREENLAND 🇬🇱🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@marvinratchford7913]

who gets to feed the rabbits before they go 'Gang aft a-gley'? --- from Robert Burns poem "To A Mouse (on turning her up in her nest with the plough)": ...means that even the best of plans often go wrong-for the biggest and most intelligent creatures and also for the smallest and least intelligent.... lol

[@fandomguy8025]

Wouldn't that divvy up the US across the 50 states? Lol.

[@nonyabizness.original]

i'm in new mexico and we would love a wall to protect us from the maniac in chief.

[@juanvilchez6978]

Im guessing he’s going to change the US map with a sharpie so he can once again be “right”

[@jayattipoe6597]

Stephen Colbert is absolutely one of the very best! Such an engaging and intelligent comic!

[@Bemantix]

Man, I enjoy every second of this show.

[@aaronr9023]

"What do we want?" I want to cry laughing because that was damn funny. 😂

[@SportTalkForDummies]

Didn’t the guys in 300 lose and all get slaughtered?!

[@fuckoffannoyingutube]

yup, though it is important to mention that their mission to delay the Persian army was a success.

[@RoloHolland]

They didnt loose. There were standing by there leader till there dead. Just like they do in the politics. McConnel is a great example.

[@LackeysLack]

@@RoloHolland Also, it was NEVER 300. It was 300 Spartan CITIZENS. Plus another 900 Spartan non-citizens. Plus, oh...5,000 or so from other Greek cities.

[@Squashed8Ball]

LackeysLack Yes, but when it was clear they were going to be flanked most of the army retreated while the Spartans and 700 Thebans held their ground in a rear-guard action so all the other troops could escape.

[@darklighter66]

@@LackeysLack So 300 hundred Spartans.

[@cmillertime7477]

This was honestly one of the most fire segments Colbert has ever done. Kudos to the writers, there were bombs left and right.

[@ezra55595]

“Bernie and marijuana, two of the easiest cheer lines in show business” that man is going to be our next president. FEEL THE BERN! ✌🏻🔥🇺🇸

[@JoshSweetvale]

You honestly think the person who got the most votes will become president? Hilary did. Gore did. Inbred yokels, white nationals and the babyboomers; the spite generation, will have their votes count for ten of yours. And no-one will give a fuck. They'll write it off as normal. There's kids in a concentration camp, and nobody cares. Y'all are already ruled by your betters, and Bernie is controlled opposition.

[@apolloscrow3686]

Should be him or Warren. I personally think Warren is the best choice and would make a great president, and a great antidote to Trump. She has Bernie’s passion and principles but with a legal expert’s intelligence and a professor’s no-nonsense attitude. If this country can manage to elect a progressive president and a democratic senate, we might actually make up for this nightmare.

[@jebre1]

#Bernie2020

[@hectorheck1353]

No he won't. Can the self-described party of "diversity" vote for a really old, sick, white man?

[@JKFitz]

All i care is that its NOT TRUMP !!!

[@MaximusEugenius]

Fox and Friends are not the sharpest tools in the shed, so Judge Napolitano had to slap them with a reality check backhand.

[@srkh8966]

Nightstone Yes, they sat there listening like confused puppies.

[@chrissiek8706]

@@srkh8966 puppies are cute, though

[@darrenskjoelsvold]

"Oh my, cannibalism.." best quote of the whole clip.

[@blessall4ever]

my favorite moment!

[@raquelcrud9015]

His tweets are getting more incomprehensiveable. Not like they weren't before but now...

[@robertmillar180]

As usual Stephen nailed Trump with style, Grace and good humour - it's good to be able to laugh at the clown in the Whitehouse!😂😂😂

[@AlexanderStone]

"Bernie & Marijuana, the two easiest cheer lines in show biz" -Stephen Colbert, Oct 24th 2019

[@burbanpoison2494]

Trump: "we're building a wall in Colorado!" Colorado: "climbed it!"

[@sunshine23.141]

🤣🤣🤣 that joke would be so lost on him!

[@SeansModelBuilds]

Yes, he thought the Rocky Mountains were a "great beautiful wall."

[@couragekarnga8735]

They already have the Rocky Mountains.

[@wetbobspongepants]

If brains were dynamite trump couldn't even blow his f**kin' nose.

[@SeansModelBuilds]

@@Pingo21 Because he thinks he's God? As Captain Picard would say, "You are not God! The Universe is not so badly designed!"

[@TheSupergameproject]

Jokes on you there is a naval base in Idaho where they test submarines.

[@MajorBuzzkill23]

The joke's on you, it's spelled "joke's".

[@seamus9305]

Thanks Colbert, I need a good laugh at all this to relieve the tension. My brothers are twins and they go at it like angry dogs over today's ongoing politics.

[@milesarmstrong2990]

A wall in Colorado - that is a plot point of the Hunger Games

[@stephenmarco2927]

Didn’t Carlin do a bit about walking up Colorado and putting rich assholes there

[@julesmasseffectmusic]

@@stephenmarco2927 I am sure it was the square states. One for rapists, one for violent thugs and one for junkies that cannot get off the gear with help.

[@georgeb.wolffsohn30]

@@julesmasseffectmusic it would be fair to include rich assholes. Carlin would have definitely approved of that.

[@Kalypso_Belador]

"The greatest witch hunt in American history" -Trump "Am I a joke to you?" -Salem Witch Trials

[@moonshine.melody]

Thank you for your candor.

[@DuranmanX]

the second Red Scare was probably worst

[@lisashrestha5023]

Warlock

[@daisylandis9664]

we witches want to hex him every single time he has tried to use that line. this isn't a witch hunt, it's justice.

[@inkchip7351]

@@daisylandis9664 Agreed sister

[@omalor]

4:16 ahh yes, the first storming of the Capitol by a mob of angry republicans, that must have been a practice round.

[@tiberiotavares9698]

Hahaha! Feel the burn Stephen. Thank you mate, there is an extremely good reason why you are n#1.

[@JuggernautProductions]

Was just about to go to bed, then it's time for the hilariously painful bedtime story from 1600 Crazy Avenue.

[@r38658]

Matt Gaetz: "Mr. DUI" and got away because his daddy bailed him out, just like Trump's dad had to bail out Trump's failed casinos.

[@janedoe327]

gaetz is that smug, entitled, obnoxious, drunk frat boy that we all hate.

[@chloekey8043]

He does have a mug shot from it. A congressman with a mu shot

[@jondana8380]

@Maria Romero and importantly NOT IN PUBLIC OFFICE. Think, woman, even if it hurts.

[@fadiluabass2515]

"Pick it up. It made it" 🤣😂🤣🤣

[@rickdagrexican7351]

"Feel the Bern and hold it in til you start coughing" LMFAO That's brilliant!!

[@censusgary]

About half the Republicans who “stormed” the hearing room are on the relevant committees and so were authorized to attend the hearing. They were standing on a Welcome mat, pounding on an open door, shouting “Let me in! Let me in!”

[@dienomo]

Wel,l why did Schiff stop the hearing and leave with the witness

[@chuckperego2216]

@@dienomo Perhaps because, with the Republican crash (and the illegal cell phones they brought with them) the "Secure" facility was no longer secure?

[@cf3451]

@@dienomo Do you not read? He stopped because the so-called protesters brought in cell phones and were live-tweeting from the proceedings. Phones are not allowed for obvious reasons. BTW there are 46 Republicans in on the proceedings. They just aren't extreme evangelical repubs. Guess they don't count. Lol. What about the other 107 Republicans that refused to participate in the publicity stunt?

[@dj4650]

Five Minute Genius 😐

[@Voldine2]

There's the problem. They were trying to push open a door from the side that had big red letters declaring the need to pull. We all know that Republicans have trouble reading anything that doesn't have the "White House Talking Points" header.

[@DavidHansson1978]

When you wish Homer Simpson was your president.

[@dailybls]

Homer is a decent human being another class altogether. He doesn't deserve to be in the same sentence as Trump..

[@DavidHansson1978]

@@dailybls Agreed.

[@bird271828]

I miss George Bush.

[@couragekarnga8735]

At least he was adorable.

[@2ezTimmy]

You'd be voting for Marge

[@dstahl7008]

Too scared to throw out the first pitch, because there would be a thunderous barrage of booing.

[@LALew850]

Stephen you have NAILED Trump! When I hear him on the news I hear your voice! Thanks so much! I love you Stephen!!

[@JimBlock999]

I hired Mr. Giuliani 1999 as an attorney to defend me in a case of a missed payment for a parking ticket. I've left jail yesterday.

[@cynthiakozikowski1765]

Thank you, Colbert, for getting us through this nightmare Trump regime with your humor and laughter. 😂😂😂

[@danfoxita]

This was great!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@alfapainting5790]

Good job Steven !!!!

[@Montesama314]

Simone Biles rocked those jeans like a champ. Also, her flip was awesome.

[@Taxero79]

Giuliani can look in the mirror all he wants, it's not like there's going to be a reflection.

[@michelerasta1]

This is the best Colbert show ever! Seriously! I'm Dying laughing!

[@asterix811]

Giuliani looked like a live action version of “The Scream”