Those who have adopted older children, what were the first few days/months like?

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[@kairikasai]

Foster child here: please don't tell kids you've adopted fosters before unless you plan on adopting them. I loved my foster family so much and the day I was told I was being returned back to my family, I lost it. I struggled for years wondering what I could've done differently. I understand now that they couldn't have adopted even if they wanted to but it hurt for years knowing I had to leave such a loving family to go back to mine where there was so much dysfunction

[@drysoup3017]

Sorry you had to go through that, i hope things are going better, or will.

[@cover_mystic545]

You deserve to find some good people you can bond with, love and trust. I really appreciate that you shared this, and wish you the best in a home environment where hugs ( if you want such) are gifted and love is endless for the rest of your life. I hope that happiness and peace is all that comes your way, but I know I can’t promise that it will happen. As the stranger on KZbin I wish you the best.

[@lydianelson7737]

With that last story, I think the blame can only lie with the previous parents/caretakers for failing the child, and the agency for handling the situation poorly.

[@oki__]

Agree, however the post did make me wonder wether that therapist correcting their language/priorities could’ve been a sign for them to change their mindset around it. Their statement was obviously wrong. There is no ‘correct’ way for their kid to respond to that. But potentially there are more effective ways that they could’ve responded, rather than somewhat accomodating it? Again, this’ only based off of what was written and it’s a very complicated situation. Either way you can’t change things now.

[@rosydevils3390]

I think it's whoever was giving them advice. Yes, you should obviously get advice from professionals and all but if that advice isn't working? What then? Continue doing what you are doing? Nope! A change in attitude would have probably been better. I do think that when you already have a child however, that you should be more careful about what foster kid you get. You need to make sure that you can help them, but also not put the other one at risk. Yes, the ultimate cause was their parents, but we don't have enough information about the parents to truly understand why. It could've been an abuse cycle, one that they didn't start. They could've been in an extremely bad situation and didn't know what to do. We also don't know what happened at the orphanage or other foster homes were like. The parents could have just not been fit for raising a child. Or, they could have been traumatized by the parents mainly and I'm overthinking. Either way, this can't be changed. It is just pointing fingers because everyone is connected in one way or another. Anger built from different people can make someone lose their closest friend because of the last chip. You could say it was the angry person's fault or say that whoever raised them was at fault. you could say that they shouldn't have taken that chip, that this wouldn't have happened otherwise. It could have happened. You don't know, so pointing fingers doesn't and won't mean anything. This isn't meant to be hate to you or anyone else, this is just my opinion and I hope it doesn't affect you or anyone who reads this in any way.

[@TracksWithDax]

Last story - sadly they weren't emotionally equipped to handle him. It sucks that the kids behavior basically made him the prophet of his own fate. I actually can't imagine what it's like in the mind of a child who's been through things like that

[@charlieandy1013]

Was adopted at 11 after 2 failed adoptions. Was told I’d be sent to a correctional home if the third didn’t work out as it would be my fault and I’d be an unloveable child. Yes my social worker did say that. Well I was adopted in 3 months of meeting my parents and have a sister 9 months younger then I am. It was hard when we first started as a family but now we are totally sisters. I still have anxiety and separation issues and fear of abandonment. Graduated college with honors and now have a job working with kids something is not have been able to do if not for my current famil. I’m always thankful to them.

[@wrecktanglin5126]

Glad this worked it for you and soo sorry to hear your social worker said that

[@setyourhandle-_]

that social worker sounds like a fucking idiot

[@sapphirewingthefurrycritic985]

Your social worker was the worst. What a terrible thing to say to someone.

[@J05TI]

As hurtful as it was to hear what your social worker said, could it be that these words motivated you to fit in and keep the peace in your family?

[@ryanmackenzie6109]

​@@J05TITruthfully, even if that was the case, it was really not any kind of excuse for those words to be said

[@Sensansenkai]

Damn, that last one was rough. But when you have one kid consistently threatening to harm or kill another, you just can’t leave things how they are. Doesn’t matter if they’re bio siblings or a foster/adoptee. It was never going to be a good outcome whether or not they kept the kid. It’s really heartbreaking.

[@MollyMoxer]

Last story was a heartbreak for everybody. I hope that the E finds peace wherever he lands. OP made an impossible choice, and i hope none of us ever have to make a call like that.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

They didn't make an impossible choice. They tapped out in under a year as soon as their therapist gave them an out. They sacrificed a seven year old for their own happiness. This wasn't even out of left field, or them being unprepared. They paid to go the private route and mentioned several times that they knew what they were getting into. A seven year old with no access to anything actually dangerous is not a threat to two grown adults, or even a twelve year old really. He was making threats to test boundaries like they had been warned he would, kids who are actually going to do harm to someone don't announce it like that. They also don't strike me as the most empathetic people considering multiple times they made it clear they were looking for a way to stop the situation rather than help the kid deal with their issues. Hell they went to their therapist to see how to get their bio babby to stop reacting to the foster kid, instead of looking for advice to help either kid cope.

[@TheIsopod06]

⁠​⁠@@cuddlicalf4854I want to see how you will react to a someone constantly putting your child in danger for no reason. You have no moral high ground for just typing this out on KZbin comments. I bet you won’t last an hour. It’s not hard to not be an ass and try to understand both parts. This isn’t the family the foster child needed. They need a family without other kids and maybe professionals in child psychology.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

​@@TheIsopod06 First off, no one was putting the kid in danger. E was testing boundaries, OP knew this, OP knew it would happen getting into it. This was a seven year old child with no access to anything dangerous. OP even apparently had the resources to go through this in a private system, rather than dealing with a publicly funded social worker. The kid doesn't (I'm using the present tense as this is now an 8 year old child currently in the system we're talking about) need a family without other kids, or someone with a degree in child psychology. They need someone who isn't going to ditch them in under a year after telling them that they have an actual home and family, and then going and proving to them that people are going to lie to them for the rest of their life. You're right it's not hard to not be an ass, but OP deserves to feel awful for this, and anyone reading this needs to know they'd be a terrible person for doing what OP did to avoid this sort of thing happening to other children in the future. The foster system is plagued with people like OP who think they're doing good, get in way over their head, and then hurt a child potentially for the rest of that child's life, and then can walk away, wash their hands of it, and then have people somehow agree with them.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

@@TheIsopod06 Love how youtube keeps deleting my comments. My moral high ground comes from the fact that OP has now done irreversible damage to this child, and they knew exactly what they were getting into when they decided to foster to adopt. They have no remorse for their decision and despite doing massive harm aren't going to have any personal consequences. I know better than to try to foster, I have a lot of damage due to people like op doing to me what she did to this child. My point is people who aren't in a position to ride through hell in order to help a child shouldn't attempt to. OP doesn't deserve any sympathy because she doesn't have to deal with the consequences of her actions or choices, her hardship is over and all it cost was damaging an already vulnerable child more.

[@ToastyNoneofyourbusiness]

My family had to make that call, though the circumstances were much less severe. Anyone who tries to say who's good and who's bad in that situation, what's right and what's wrong, has NO IDEA what it's actually like. How difficult it is.

[@moonstar_draws6283]

“A chip of empathy missing” is a great way to put it. We haven’t adopted her yet, but my parents are trying to adopt my cousin. Shes been pretty close to us her whole life so bonding wasn’t hard, but she has trouble living with structure and can have self preserving behaviors because she had to to survive in her old home. When I’m older I’m definitely going to adopt

[@danetteklyne6594]

Last story got me hard, the agency knowing his particular struggles should have placed him in a home with no other children. I genuinely think that would help him feel more secure, that poor baby has been through so much already but OP was right to admit that it was not a good match because it isn’t always the case but it’s something that never really gets spoken about in the foster-dopting world and it really should be.

[@Abutado]

That last story brought on tears full force. I want to foster so bad in the future, but I'm worried about the affect it could have on my kids if we just matched with someone above our abilities to manage. I want to be fully supportive, poor little E. I hope he found a child free home to go to and work out his issues.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

Then don't foster. No offense but you'd be one of the worse kinds of foster parents. The kind who think they'll do good and end up harming a kid more because you're not prepared to actually deal with the difficulties of fostering a kid. A kid's life isn't worth your fuzzy feeling. Every kid can and will eventually get better in the right environment but you need to be prepared to go through some of the most difficult years of your life (and I do mean years, if these stories are anything to go off of, a minimum of 1-2 years). Edit to add: It's also not because you have kids already, it's because you're already subconsciously prioritizing them over some imaginary foster. This is also not saying to prioritize the foster kid over them, but you need to treat any foster kid as if they're your own, and you can't just go throw your own in the trash and get away with it.

[@tessiepinkman]

@@cuddlicalf4854 Good on you for telling it how it is. Couldn't have worded it better if I tried.

[@Abutado]

@@cuddlicalf4854 well I don't know how someone can take that not offensively. Me having the desire to do it isn't for my benefit or some "fuzzy feeling", it's because I want to be able to provide something they haven't been given. Clearly I recognize that I'm not in any way prepared to begin fostering at this moment in time, but that doesn't mean I couldn't be eventually. Unfortunately people won't stop abusing their kids, so the foster system will always be overflowing with kids, it also doesn't seem like it will get reformed anytime soon, so by the time I feel like certain checkpoints have been reached, I won't be going through the process. When I had my kids, it became my responsibility and lifelong goal to protect and love them. They are more vulnerable at the ages they are now and I need to be there for them. My need to protect them will never end, but it does get a little easier as they grow and Begin to understand the world around them. At this point, when my kids are at an age they can communicate and understand inappropriate behaviors, I would be comfortable taking the risk to bring in children. I don't mean that as an insult or applicable to all foster kids, but it is a risk as demonstrated in that last story, I'd want to diminish that risk as much as possible. I'd be putting in that same energy to protect and love those foster kids as well. I don't see how that makes me ineligible to be a foster parent in your eyes. Oh well, it's not you making those decisions, probably a good thing too otherwise foster kids would have a lot fewer options for homing due to your view on what qualifies someone.

[@Abutado]

@@cuddlicalf4854 I don't know how someone isn't meant to take that offensively. Clearly I acknowledged that I'm not prepared to take this route and that my personal checklist needs accomplished before I put myself out there. I'm sorry, but when I had my kids it automatically became my responsibility to protect and love them. As demonstrated by that last story, and many other scenarios, there are risks involved. It's not wrong for me to want my kids to be developed enough to speak for themselves and be able to communicate when something is wrong - the exact reason I don't put them in daycare at young ages. So, sure, I'm prioritizing my kid's safety in this moment before I even consider going through with it, but that would change once we did start. I'd be just as concerned about their safety and well being. There's also the choice to wait until my kids are all grown and I'm able to 100% focus on them. I suppose I'm just not understanding how I'm ineligible in your eyes, but you don't set those standards so I don't really need your approval. Unfortunately people will not stop hurting their kids and the system will continue to fail so I have time to get prepared for years worth of struggle.

[@nleem3361]

More good foster homes are needed. Even if you're not perfect, it's better than a lot of places. Just be sure to get educated 1st. Maybe meet other foster parents. Also, that last story was hard, but it seems like it would be better to tell kids straight up that they'll be welcome in the home provided they don't hurt anyone just like adults go to jail for hurting people. I'm sure there are better ways to word it, but there are basics morals of being a human being that they many not know and need to be taught. Everyone will have different opinions of what you should do, but it's your life. I don't recommend discussing this with a multitude of people, but only people with real experiences. As with all people, each child and experience will be unique.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

This is really hard to listen to as someone who aged out of foster care. Not everyone is as patient or even suited to fostering. First home I was in was abusive and neglectful. Not at bad as my bio parents, but it really fucked me up socially. Second home didn't have the patience for me. One big blow up and 1-2 years was down the drain and I was "too old" (Just turned 17) to be put in another home. I still have a lot of issues because of it, and I know I have no safety net if something ever happens to me.

[@e.l.wallace9060]

Im so sorry you have to go threw that and still now.Best of luck to you and i hope you find someone who can give you that safety!

[@cuddlicalf4854]

@@e.l.wallace9060 Admittedly I do kind of have someone, but even three years in it's hard to accept. My brother, he's not really my brother but the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb and all that. We'd been friends online for a while, one day he jokingly offered to let me move in with him if I ever needed it. Welp jokes on him a few months after that he gets a call. My housing situation fell apart, it's too much to get into what happened (Both emotionally and to write) but it was a knock on affect of the foster system dumping me out with no resources to take care of myself. Crazy ass actually followed through. Flew me across the country and let me crash on his couch for a year while I got my life together. We ended up moving to a bigger apartment and we're still roommates now and honestly he's a big support in my life. But honestly if anything ever happened to him I still wouldn't be able to survive on my own. I make more than minimum wage here but still don't have a hope in hell of paying rent solo. Let alone any of the medical expenses that come from stuff that would have been easy to correct as a kid but was neglected by bio and foster parents.

[@fullmoonshadow6967]

That must suck so bad. I'm lucky enough to never have had to deal with that, but I met someone a couple of years ago who was in foster care and turning 18. For a short while we conspired to try convince my mom to adopt her. It never happened, and we moved. I haven't seen her since, though that might be for the better. I found out later from her foster roommate that I shared a different class with that she was a bitch and a bully, she just didn't act like it in public. There were three of them, and I shared two classes with a couple of them. The eldest was too old to share classes with me.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

​@@fullmoonshadow6967 they were probably that way because they knew they'd be on their own at 18. You tend to lash out at the world at that age because you know you're about to be shoved off a cliff there's a good chance you'll never recover from with no support. They also like almost every child in this video probably weren't actually a "bitch" or a "bully" they were testing boundaries to see if they were truly safe or accepted in the home they were in and it looks like they got confirmation they weren't.

[@kimhohlmayer7018]

I’m sincerely sorry. We adopted our son when he was three but would have loved to have more kids. We were just not in a place where we could get another kid. I pray you find a family you build of friends and a spouse and kids of your own if that is what you seek.

[@genevaharris2107]

Very poignant for me. My sister and I were adopted from China at the ages of three and five. We had very bad anxiety, we screamed the entire time before we left China. My parents were the 1st to be allowed to adopt two children from China together. This was in 2006. We to stay still have a bit of trauma in the sense of our behaviours, we example, don’t like hugs generally speaking, and it’s not easy.

[@missamanda2703]

We adopted brothers of our son. Their mom was going to prison they were 10 and 12.6 the oldest my sons age. They were at our house often as they could be. We had food, heat, water, there were snacks in the house they could have wo getting screamed at. The amount of gratitude that my boys showed was so much. They were their moms care takers. Them not having to cook dinner. Only responsible for their rooms and the bedroom we turned into a bathroom. I wasn't sharing a bathroom with 3 boys. The first year they went feom D and Fs to A and Bs. Watching their 1st Christmas and then 3 days later the toys weren't out of the box. 😢 I was so sad watching them explain that they didn't know if we would need their Christmas money or to return presents for house stuff ma needs. They made their brother step his game up. He had been a only child who i will admit was slightly spoiled. I explained to him if we took these 2 in things would work out were he got less. It was good to see him not care about bame brands he cared about his friends. We got a dhs stipend and a food card for them. They were considered foster because mom wouldn't sign rights even with a 25 year sentence. We built them a man cave outside Its now a 1 bdrm tiny home for when the boys come home. We have had them for 9 years. All 3 boys are in college. I have never been prouder. I am so thankful she was arrested im not sorry. My sons trajectory would have been hers. Not prom, graduation, university, cars, the older 2 my bio and his brother/bff studied abroad. My grandmother passed last year she paid for their college. She didn't have to she only knew them for 2 years before writing her will at 92 and going to the nursing home. They all were going to do Online school and work which they ended up doing except the semester grandma paid for france for a study abroad. My youngest and I took the train ride to Alaska from Illinois for a 2 month cross country trip they still had school via zoom often and he had already done his entire high school on zoom. I owed him a amazing trip while his brothers were gone. Im so thankful it was the best thing I did. I know we changed their life. Their step brother is 26 and was of age when mom got locked up. He is now serving 20 years for attempted murking.😢

[@jrideout2802]

I am so happy those boys were loved by you and your family ❤💞 Love can be a true miracle

[@BoxOKittens]

My mom grew up in the foster system. I want to foster but my mom doesn't want me to. She saw a lot of bad things and has the opinion that all foster kids are messed up. But I believe I will foster one day.

[@Itswhateveruwant]

Watching this as a 16 year old foster kid

[@zekiferslays8162]

You're a strong person. Even though things might feel hard sometimes, you're going to be okay. I promise.

[@TaterKakez]

What are the best/ most comforting/ welcoming things a family can do for you in the first few days or months? You got this 💜 sending love from an internet stranger

[@cuddlicalf4854]

Find an adult in your life you can trust outside of those who are obligated to take care of you. Just someone you can rely on no matter what (A teacher, a coach, maybe a friend of your foster parents, your doctor, a police officer if you've had any dealings with the law), and make sure you keep that line of communication open. They can advocate for you if you get screwed over by those with control over your life. Do as much research as you can into what resources are available for you in foster care, often there are funds for extracurricular activities available, these are a great way to build skills, make friends, and meet adults you can truly trust. If your foster parents refuse to look into it for you demand to speak to your social worker. If they refuse to let you talk to your social worker talk to the social worker about it the next chance you get, or call whatever office is handling your foster care directly when you can (Sneak a phone if you have to). Again if you can find an adult you can trust to advocate for you, talk to them about any issues you're having. There were so many things that I thought I was wrong for having issues with when I was in care that turned out to be abuse or neglect. If you're rural see if you can be moved to a foster family in an urban environment think a large town or city, they'll have more resources for you, probably not the foster parents but schools will be better funded or at the very least larger and give you more chances to meet people who may become important in your life. You'll also have more job opportunities. Also make sure to get your driver's license/ Look you're starting life on hard mode, but there are ways to recover and do well. The important thing is to jump on any resource you can while it's available to you in foster care, and to do all you can to make friends or allies who'll stick with you when the money stops.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

Cool youtube is preventing me from leaving you advice. Hopefully this'll work this time. Do all you can to find an adult you can trust to advocate for you that's outside of the system. Have them help you find out what resources there are available to you. Even if your foster parents and social worker are "great" make sure you have an outside eye to verify you're being treated correctly, or find out if there are ways to fix it if you aren't.

[@cuddlicalf4854]

Find an adult in your life you can trust outside of those who are obligated to take care of you. Just someone you can rely on no matter what (A teacher, a coach, maybe a friend of your foster parents, your doctor, a police officer if you've had any dealings with the law), and make sure you keep that line of communication open. They can advocate for you if you get screwed over by those with control over your life. Do as much research as you can into what resources are available for you in foster care, often there are funds for extracurricular activities available, these are a great way to build skills, make friends, and meet adults you can truly trust. If your foster parents refuse to look into it for you demand to speak to your social worker. If they refuse to let you talk to your social worker talk to the social worker about it the next chance you get, or call whatever office is handling your foster care directly when you can (Sneak a phone if you have to). Again if you can find an adult you can trust to advocate for you, talk to them about any issues you're having. There were so many things that I thought I was wrong for having issues with when I was in care that turned out to be mistreatment (KZbin doesn’t like the A-word) or neglect. If you're rural see if you can be moved to a foster family in an urban environment think a large town or city, they'll have more resources for you, probably not the foster parents but schools will be better funded or at the very least larger and give you more chances to meet people who may become important in your life. You'll also have more job opportunities. Also make sure to get your driver's license/ Look you're starting life on hard mode, but there are ways to recover and do well. The important thing is to jump on any resource you can while it's available to you in foster care, and to do all you can to make friends or allies who'll stick with you when the money stops.

[@xPoisonedStardustx]

One story in and I’m already about to cry. That’s when you know this is a great video.

[@CasualVFlowerEnjoyer]

I had a friend who grew up a foster child until being adopted in high school. She seemed pretty normal to me. Kind, funny, outgoing. But the stories she told were.very sad. She doesn't talk much about her past, but she said one family would sometimes only feed her bread and rice.because they only cared about the government check they were.getting for caring for her. She didn't say how long she was there. She's been a chubby girl as long as I've known her and I think she has some food issues. Her parents now are lovely people. Quite elderly, which I worry for her when they will die so soon in her adult life. But they are loving and kind and adopted two other children my friend readily called her siblings from the start. She had no trouble calling her adoptive parents mom and dad right away. I think she really wanted to be loved, and was very lonely and abandonned. But she's very happy now. Engaged, working, her same kind and funny self years later. We're all 27 now. My whole friend group stayed in touch after high school and we meet up several times a year. Most of us, I'd say all except for one, have emotional damage from family issues. My mom had me when she was only 17 and was always emotionally distant and passed me around to different people to watch me until I started school, and then some stuff happened I'm not happy to talk about. One friend lost her dad to a heart attack, and her mom a few years later to being hit by a bus. Another has always been verbally abused and controlled by her father, neglected as her sister got all the family love. Another's parents lost custody of her to her aunt who is emotionally abusive, and when she was an adult she visited her mom frequently. She used to sleep in bed with her and one day she woke up to find her mother had died in her sleep next to her. Her mother had always had health problems. There is only one of us who had a loving and healthy home to grow up in, and though I envy her she is the sweetest, most empathetic and kind person I have ever met. Its amazing what family love can do for you. She also has a sister with Downs Sydrome she grew up helping to care for that I think helped her become so sweet and loving.

[@casg1195]

I was almost adopted from being in foster care when I was nine, I can't imagine how much my life would have changed. I can't really say I would have had a better life, I'm doing well now, married with a cat and dog, but I do have mental health issues and pretty bad anxiety about doing anything on my own. Like, I had a loving foster family that wanted me, but I ended up going to live with my alcoholic dad, got ran over by a truck, the trees of that for my father made his drinking worse, and I went to live with his parents for a few years. And those years were really good. I consider the years with them my happy years as a teen, because after that, it was back to my dad, he almost od'd and I ended up in a family that I still have nightmares about. Mostly emotional issues, and the fact they refused to let me get any kind of therapy, my issues got worse and worse. I got away from them and was kind of adopted, but only so I could go to school in a different city. And that family would have been alright, if I hadn't returned after joining the army to the mother blaming me for being the reason her family (which coincidentally was the bad foster family, she was the foster mom's mother) was in pain because her grandson (who had been my foster brother that helped me get through some dark times and encouraged me to be myself) had been killed by a drunk driver. None of that family reached out to me to tell me, and she told me when I visited for Christmas. The season is already difficult because that was the time frame I almost slept in a snow bank in the Rockies to escape my pain, and add that, it's been rough. I was actually staying with a friend at least, and the adopted dad dropped me off at the church that was kind of a haven for me that the friend was at. I wouldn't have gone through all that is I had been adopted, but I also wouldn't be who I am now.

[@aryashadowblade3552]

Not me crying at work because of that last story 😭 I hope E found peace and ended up in a good place

[@5nak_music]

story 5 fight, flight, freeze, fawn. those are the four trauma responses. I default to freeze like this girl as it was the only thing that'd stop my mom's tirades. I rarely fight or flight, only really beg for forgiveness or freeze.

[@song_of_the_phoenix2010]

4:19 YES. SOMEONE FROM THE USA KNOWS HOW TO MAKE BORSCHT. HOPE ISN'T LOST.

[@TaterKakez]

Well this clinched it- I want to foster in the future

[@cuddlicalf4854]

Seriously, don't bother going through with it unless your intention is to adopt and you're willing to potentially go through hell. The most damaging thing you can do to a child (no matter what age) is find out you're a fair weather foster parent. Also be prepared to have to pick up the mess after trash people like the OP in the last story, who had the opportunity to save this child's life and failed them. Also you need to think of this as saving lives, because if these children aren't saved they'll become adults in a society with no regard for how you or anyone else failed them. If you fail you're potentially dooming them to an existence of abject misery which is of no fault of their own. I'm 24 now, and still only barely recovering from what the foster system did to me. Also the reason I say you need the intention to adopt is that even if you're an amazing foster home, if they have to be sent elsewhere or sent back to their bio parents. That can cause damage that is exacerbated by their good experience with you. If you somehow can't handle them, you need to make sure they're sent elsewhere they can grow and thrive, and not just wash your hands of them.

[@ToastyNoneofyourbusiness]

​@@cuddlicalf4854seconded. My family had to give up a foster kid. Foster kids put the family around them through hell. If you can push through it, it works out great. But pushing through hell is still pushing through hell.

[@kimhohlmayer7018]

You handled this subject quite well. I was adopted as a baby then when I found out as an adult I was infertile I also adopted. Our son was three. He cried bloody hell for a couple weeks! Yikes! He’s now 24 and in a great relationship and we talk often. Best decision we ever made was to bring him into our lives. Wish we could have afforded more kids but we got a great one. An acquaintance who adopted four siblings! She and her hubby have no regrets but I know it’s not always easy for them though I think all four are about grown now.

[@KE-xj9vm]

So rewarding to listen to these. I hope to foster and adopt one day. My own kids are little, I want to wait until they are older so we are not bringing trauma in our house for them to deal with. So much respect for everyone who does it

[@bedillabean9728]

I’ve wanted to adopt older kids for a very long time. I’m only newly 21, but I had a rough childhood in which I was very nearly in the foster care system myself. I’ve also been aware for a long time that older children in the system (especially teens, who need the most love) are almost never adopted. My mom was and still is my rock though, someone who went through even more than I have in life but always insisted she loved us more than anything (and proved this multiple times). I wish I could be exactly like my mom because she is exactly the kind of mom every kid who’s gone through shit should have. She’s there when we stumble but lets us find our independence, she’s funny, incredibly smart and empathetic, and yes of course she’s flawed but she did her best to raise my brother and I and she sacrificed a lot to do it. I want other kids to have those same positive experiences (and potentially have my mom as one badass grandma)

[@bedillabean9728]

P.S. btw I’ve saved this video as I plan to come back to it once I’m older and financially stable enough to adopt (I’m still in college and technically a dependent)

[@nopamineLevel100]

Massive props to all the amazing foster and adoptive families! It's not something I'd be mentally or physically able to do, so it's wonderful to know that there are decent humans out there changing lives. I know you can never erase trauma, but sometimes all it takes is some stability and love to make a functional adult.

[@ComettheNightFury]

Honestly this just made me want to adopt more. The world's so broken and people need a place to heal.

[@xx_strawberryalien_xx2353]

You can hear the love in the writing 😭😭😭😭

[@Lilli_Loves_Bondi]

Crying already, 1st story. We were probably going to adopt this sweet little baby, since we foster. But he went to a grandma, I miss him so much.

[@osirisbael7664]

Honestly, when I hear about how families that are so loving and caring exist ... I can't help but feel jealous of them, since my family is filled with nothing but dysfunction and toxic drama that they're so addicted to. Yet at the same time if put in front of such a family I would see myself unworthy of them, since time has jaded my heart's view of the world and how I express myself in it sadly.

[@bread_drawz]

All children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children ★☆

[@firetiger582]

Was in foster care for a few years. It was really bad. Had 90% of my things stolen in the last home. My dog passed from separation anxiety since i wasnt home (was 3-4 at the time) i was messed up when i got back. Couldnt hear any yelling or raising of voices. Would scream and yell from fear and anxiety and put myself in a small corner or under a desk (happened after getting back when i started school again for real. Had to repeat my first grade year for many years at that point because of foster care.) Was beaten and neglected and treated horribly.

[@user-uw8pd2dy4b]

As someone who wants to hopefully adopt in the future, this is definitely eye-opening and very appreciated. I grew up in a very extremely traditional and turbulent home, and my less traditional way of life [ie cutting my hair short and not finding a husband] have put me and my father at major odds with one another. When I mentioned I wanted to adopt, he freaked out and still freaks out when it's brought up, saying kids in the system are, "Genetically defective," and that I won't have a True ConnectionTM to the child because they're not biologically mine. In addition to that, I specifically want to adopt older kids because I know they're often more overlooked in the system, and considering I've had friends of mine suffer some serious shit at the hands of their parents, I do have an idea on how some of these kids have probably lived as well as how to handle some of those traumas. Nonetheless, this video kind of made me want to adopt even more. There are kids out there who are suffering and just need a happy home where they can thrive and feel welcome. I'm just now getting my career off the ground, so I definitely can't do anything like that right now [I'd be constantly working and unable to care for a kid], but hopefully I can adopt in the future and give someone the love and support they need to grow into the person I know they can be. If they want to go back to their biological parents once they're adults, that's fine. I'm not here to take away their choice in that; I'm here to help them grow up in an environment safer than what they'd originally been in. That's the most important part.

[@keepitsimple003]

While homeless in high school I stayed with a family who decided to take me in. The first month went well but given the family was over protective since their oldest child was near my age they didn't want me near her or near her bedroom for obvious reasons. What went well for two and a half months eventually turned into a over-stayed welcome for me. I ended up leaving since I finished high school early and lived with a uncle in a different state. Years later I went back for a visit and the family unfortunately fell onto hard times. I haven't kept in touch with them but their two blood kids are married while their two adopted twins most likely finished college or is married by now.

[@ArtOfShannonLee]

With the last one. The worst thing about growing up is you have to make horrible choices. Sometimes there isn’t a “right choice” that’s going to leave things good and happy for everyone involved. Not adoption related but I had to end a friendship with a girl who I’d known since we were 8 & 9 because she introduced too much upset into my life. We were like sisters for most of our lives. She’d been through a lot and I made so many excuses for her; and she came to sort of dominate my life as I tried to fix her problems for her. But she wasn’t equipped to make the changes she needed to make to improve her life. She was so accustomed to things being so awful, she wouldn’t allow for it to change. And what’s worse? I understand how she feels. It’s only by dumb luck that I am doing okay. But my peace is such a fragile thing and she was never going to change. Above all else, I realised that the relationship I had with her was unhealthy and it was just the same as so many others I’d had before I started therapy. She was a person who was suffering, who I genuinely wanted to help; and leaving her behind could’ve damned her. But I did it anyway. And I don’t regret it. Because sacrificing your own well-being for someone else isn’t how you help them. I realised, if I wanted any chance of helping anyone, I needed to be able to do it without falling apart, and I couldn’t do that. So we couldn’t stay friends.

[@ramenboy9199]

My adopted parents took me in when I was 9. I was in multiple abusive foster homes before and those families told me I would be in a group home amounting to nothing. My (adoptive) parents adopted me when I was 13. I’m 21 now and I truly love this family. They gave me a chance to truly live my life and gave me a better life than what I could’ve have. I always thankful that they always treated me as family as the previous ones never did.

[@Alistair102040]

Started off with a tear jerker

[@constanceschickens6556]

My friend and her bio sister were adopted into a family I’ve known for years. They were adopted in November and I’m so happy for them.

[@H3XN0VA]

First story in, and I'm already wanting to cry. Fuck.

[@Mooskym]

I went through the foster system when I was a teen. I'm not American, so by all account the foster system in my country is better than what one is stuck with in the US. Still, some of these stories have made me tear-up in solidarity.

[@herstoryanimated]

Last story, when he began escalating and threatening people, perhaps if they'd sat down and discussed with him how much they love him and want to be able to make him part of their family, but that they can't allow abuse from him towards other family members. I just think that perhaps if they were given better support on managing boundaries he was not allowed to cross, that E would've either been better able to fit in, or would've been better prepared to understand the decisions they had to take.

[@OwenThatOSDev]

For me we are adopting my new baby bro he is 2 years old and is kind of nice but he 3 stooped me once and said "womp womp" I found it funny but told him that some people do not like that and he stopped but hey he is all in all a cool 2 year old hope we get to adopt him soon. quick edit: I am one of the older bros not parent so I have no clue how the legal stuff works.

[@glasstatue]

i wish this was how the foster system was... former foster kid.. with nothing outside of the system now.

[@artysus]

i went into foster care at 10, adopted at 15. it changed my life. i want to help someone else the same way....

[@DeadlyChinchilla]

Adopted a teenager. First few days were great. Then slowly the mask started coming off as she got comfortable. Within a year our family was in complete chaos. After 4, it just dissolved completely under the strain. ADHD, ADD, PTSD, RAD, you name it, she had it. Our house looked like swiss cheese. Anything might disappear at any time to fund her drug habit. We had to constantly physically restrain her, take doors off their hinges to stop her overdosing behind locked doors, meanwhile we sleep behind locked doors so we didn't get stabbed in our sleep. I wondered when she would set our house on fire... not if. When. Eventually, after she was an adult, I had to get a Protective Order to stop her coming back. Many other things she did were beyond disturbed. They don't tell you how many families are destroyed by adoptions gone wrong. They tell you the romantic stories with happy endings, but they aren't the norm. It's not even a 50-50 chance. Educate yourself before you dive into doing a "good thing for someone who needs it," and don't believe the adoption organizations pretty lies.

[@ToastyNoneofyourbusiness]

Wasn't me, but my mom's friend. She tried to foster a teenage girl, but found that her issues were beyond what she was prepared for. She disobeyed rules and curfews, she skipped school, and didn't even try to get good grades. Why? Because she was convinced she could coast through life on finding a sugar daddy. If that sugar daddy dropped her, she'd just find a new one, and so on and so forth. Believe me, my mom's friend *tried* to help her, but the problem was that in order for someone to get better, they have to want to. In an ideal world, everyone with a troubled foster kid would adopt them, even if they couldn't help them. But sadly, in real life, love and generosity has their limits. As my mom always says, "love isn't blind, it just overlooks a lot." I completely understand foster kids being hurt by these kinds of stories. I can't understand what you've been through, or how that feels. The pain you've been in. I wish that every foster kid, no matter how bad, could have a family. But as someone whose family also tried to foster (unlike the family friend, a much younger child), love and patience can wear thin after a few years. Do i wish we could've kept that kid? Yes. Do i miss that kid or regret that my family gave the kid up? HARD no. Is it the kid's fault for their issues putting so much strain on my family? No, of course not! The only person at fault was that kid's parent, who caused that kid's issues and selfishly left the kid for other people to deal with. "But isn't that the same thing you did?" No. That kid vastly improved under our care - but at the expense of my sister and i. The kid ruined vacations, made home life miserable, and exacerbated our mental health issues. The kid was getting better while we were getting worse. My parents eventually decided enough was enough. Since the kid wasn't theirs, they gave the kid back to their only living family. Was it the morally correct decision? I don't know. It was likely the trolley problem. Either way, someone was going to be hurt.

[@catbatrat1760]

20:32 Oh, my gosh, I love this! XD

[@MrThedrachen]

We're in the process of adopting a now 13yo. The Divided loyalty is a real thing. My kid desperately wants to have a relationship with his "mom" (not biomom) but she can't stop trampling all over our boundaries, so she can't be in his life. It's so hard for him to understand that his mom isn't perfect and he can't be with her because of her choices, not his.

[@roxcyn]

The last story broke my heart and made me tear up 😢.

[@saanapeacewizard1143]

I feel you have to be straight to your foster/adopted child that you will do everything you can for them and to keep them, but there is one limit: if you threaten our lives, you just cannot stay. Clearly the last kid doesn't understand that he crossed that limit and that's why all the promises were broken. I think they have a better chance of not messing it up when they're aware, theoretically at least, of the limits in the natural world they're never learned.

[@cover_mystic545]

Uhh I have a story. English is not my first language so forgive me and my errors. When I was eight I got send to the hall for bad behavior during Danish class, said bad behavior was that I allegedly said “I don’t wanna do anymore work”. Don’t know where the teacher got it from! I was eight years old at the time and had been diagnosed with ADHD, but despite this I had never been in trouble at school, I was hyper but not disruptive. That day our usual teacher couldn’t come so we had a substitute. This sun was awful, and he was later fired for bullying kids, but that is a sideshow all of its own. My experience with this substitute started during this class, where We had to do some light reading in pairs and talk about what we read. I couldn’t focus on it tho, literally everything was just more interesting for my hyper active squirrel brain. As I was struggling I remembered that I didn’t know when we were going to be having some kind of break, So I raised my hand and calmly asked “ when are we gonna have a break?” I recognize that these words can sound rude, but I just really needed some time frame so I could understand how much longer I had to keep my ADHD in line. He did not see it as that. The his face suddenly hardened and he went from Funny man to absolute beast! He sternly demanded that I leave the room immediately! I was stunned, I had never been bad, I was a good kid I wasn’t bad?! I was freaking out and looked around confused, the rest were staring at the interaction with confused to unreadable expressions. “NOW” he yelled, I almost fell over myself as I tried to stand up and get out. I don’t remember if he dragged me out by the arm or if he just led me out, but I do remember him saying that I could sit there until the end of class. And I did I sat there confused, not understanding what I had done. After class the substitute came out and told me to follow him, he sat me down in a separate room. He wasted no time in trying to comfort the child in front of him and instead started talking about how ‘if you don’t want to do more work you shouldn’t ask you should just do it.’ And after his long winded speech I ask what he was talking about? He told me that I said ‘ I don’t want to do anything’ What?! So I responded with a confused and desperate tone ‘ I never said that, I asked when we were gonna have a break I didn’t say I didn’t want to do work!’ He looked at me, my tears and snot dripping down my face and then said ‘that was still the wrong and you should have just continued working. Do you understand that you were wrong?’ This adult could not comprehend that I would’ve pushed on with the work had I been informed of when I could just have a break. But he was the substitute teacher so I just had to suck it up and move on. Except I was a seven year old upsets with Disney so I wasn’t gonna take this injustice! So I plainly answered ‘no, I don’t understand.’ He told me to go out and take the break. But from that day onwards I disliked him, and he bullied me and talked down to me for the rest of his time at the school. I was Overjoyed when he got fired. Also he didn’t believe in ADHD and autism so forgive me for not being sad about seeing him go.

[@ChakkyCharizard]

oh we are birds of a feather. i have a similar story with a sub. free time was over and we were going back to working. i, of course, kept the crayons i was coloring with at my desk and continued coloring. well i realized i needed a color of crayon that i didn't have, so in the middle of the teacher's lesson, i deadass got up, walked to the crayon bin, picked out my periwinkle crayon (yes i still remember the color) and proudly marched back to my desk with it. the sub stopped talking and just looked at me LMAO. he tried to get me to give up the crayon, but my inner feral no-task-switching-allowed adhd brain GRIPPED that fucking crayon for dear life, and he ended up having to pry it out of my little fingers. later (the next day maybe?) i got called into the office to explain the whole situation, but not in a 'you're getting in trouble way', more like a 'this was a serious incident and we're concerned for your safety' way. i distinctly remember being asked, "how did you feel when he took the crayon? were you scared, or just mad that he wouldn't give you a crayon?" i, with all of my 3 feet tall spitfire fury, was puzzled. why would i have been scared? i was in the middle of an adhd hyperfocus interruption rage session, of course all i cared about was the crayon! so i answered as much. later in life, i realized i had never seen that sub again after that day. i'm pretty sure i got him fired LMAO

[@mindyschocolate]

That first story 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

[@shinyeevee606]

One day, when my kids are grown and have places of thier own, I would love to foster kids. I also want to run a family day-care at my home 😊

[@ZMich8]

You kind of sound like Josh from RedditOnWiki Podcast and I think that’s why I like your voice so much

[@RandomN0ah07]

I want to foster when I’m older and in my whole home. Would it be handy to have the rules I’d have stuck to the wall for the foster child to read (rules like, doors can be shut but you must knock before entering, you can stay in your room for as long as you need, we have dinner together (excluding first night), we do game nights every night after dinner (again excluding first night), ect) as well as having a little information sheet about myself (my name, what I do as a job, list a couple of my own disorders ect) and have a sheet for them to fill out? Before anyone tries to get salty at me for saying I’d list my own disorders, the reason why I would is because I feel like if I list my disorders, it might encourage the foster child to tell me a little bit about theirs so I can understand them better. Like, I have sensory issues and if the kid I end up fostering has sensory issues, they know I’m a safe person to unmask that near, they know they don’t have to hide it. And the reason why I wouldn’t make the foster child eat dinner with the family or game night with the family for the first night is so they can settle down, and get comfy with their new room and home

[@Zemiaza]

I want to foster when I’m older, I know it will be hard but I want to adopt/foster especially older children. I feel older children don’t get adopted because their older and not as cute which is so messed up since they have so much going on and they need help but don’t get helped. It’s sad so I want to help those children! I was adopted by my father, not like these stories my situation is different. See my mom got divorced and I’ll spare you the details it was horrible abuse, rape, poverty etc..,we had escaped which is great. Two years or so later my mom married my dad. Since we were older its been nice and easy but he did something that past man who was my old step parent had done, he adopted us. It’s really nice. Everyone’s gotten the care needed and we aren’t in poverty anymore so it’s great it’s just different from these situations!

[@laurawilson46268]

We adopted out a foster care My girl's worth 5 and 3 it has been an amazing journey

[@DrewskisBrews]

Holy cow

[@mizukittyakinyama]

15:05 217 year old foster boys??? well i don't think that's quite right

[@catbatrat1760]

16:26 What does AC's mean?

[@bloopbloop9687]

In regards to the last story, i dont think there was any other option for the kid, they were intentionally damaging the relationship. Regardless of what the kid's goal was, i dont think there was an alternative that didn't start with the kid quitting that behavior

[@ARandomVideo-gx8fl]

why do you always call the poster OP???

[@steggopotamus]

"original poster" it's common internet nomenclature these days

[@Codm22712]

W timeing

[@oki__]

9:35 the parents shouldn’t adopt kids if they have a teenage daughter of their own who they need to put out in order to do so.

[@SurpremePasta]

Hallo

[@loffafm]

11th :)

[@MJRuda]

12 hours ago!!!!

[@cuddlicalf4854]

Someone needs to mail the last OP a copy of The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas

[@Th3_PizzaGamer]

3rdndtrdgnethnded I guess?

[@Th3_PizzaGamer]

Now 4thndethorkrrbdifndnndthethnded

[@pingidjit]

That last story was bullshit. They didn't even give that kid a shot for a year. Yes he was difficult. They were TOLD that. He was testing them, just like they had been TOLD. And they gave up. They gave up on a seven year old. They added to a 7 yrs olds trauma and trust issues because they weren't willing to do what they promised. I understand that they worried for their birth child but if they weren't willing to make the commitment they shouldn't have started. They valued one child over the other instead of finding other work arounds. If you have an out in mind with a foster/adoptive child, you aren't a good home for them. You need to be willing to do what it takes to give that kid love and safety. No matter how hard they make it. The fact that it was less than a year of that child being with them, shows they didn't really put in effort. Effort takes time. They get no sympathy from me. They are worse than people who don't foster, because at least those people don't add to a childs trauma.

[@southernsnowman7788]

Are you mad because it's your life story or something? You DON'T test people. Those relationship test, love test or whatever always the start of toxic and miserable relationship no matter if it's friends, family or your date. If you can't treasure what you love then it's not going to stay with you forever even if it want to.

[@pingidjit]

@@southernsnowman7788 He was SEVEN and had suffered TRAUMA

[@CelebrimborCurufinwe]

Holy crap dude the kid was //seven years old//. All kids act out testing boundaries and /especially/ ones that have suffered trauma like this kid has. This was a /child/ who has now only had his worst fears confirmed even more @southernsnowman7788

[@shendisackett]

​@@pingidjitI'll be honest I am so torn over that story because you can't have a child threatening to kill. I don't know the US system but it seems like he needed a lot of one to one therapy and family therapy and doctors to try and help him. I have seen kids on Dr Phil who behaved like that and they were able to help with diet, the right medications, therapy etc... That poor child will never trust again now. It also seems the situation would have been better if each boy had had their own space from the start. I can understand why the 7 year old would be jealous realising his new brother never had any trauma. I hope the little boy was adopted into a home where he could be the only child so he wasn't constantly comparing himself to somebody else.

[@BassGal92]

The last story: That kid has signs of sociopathy, and it's clearly not from trauma. No wonder his birth family and foster family wiped their hands clean. Safety over love. The first story: That kid is clearly neurodivergent, and I wish his birth family helped him instead of abandoning him for not being normal. The second story: The ending was funny!

[@katie85705]

That kid was 7 years old and his knows what trauma he experienced in his short life. His bioparents and previous foster family didn't wipe their hands of him, they caused him the trauma. My heart breaks to think of where and how he learned all them violent tendencies. Kids that age emulate what they are exposed to. He was taught he didn't deserve nice things, he was worthless, happiness wasn't real. Kids like that tend to sabotage as a way of if I do the hurting first then I won't get as hurt in the end when it fails. They say they really love me and will be there forever so it should be tested. It's actually typical behavior of children who have had extreme trauma the majority of their lives. Trauma can actually cause a person's brain to change especially when done at a young age when the brain is at its most vulnerable. Listen to stories from other families who foster kids with extreme trauma in their past and you'll see lots of simularities and yes with years of therapy, love, work and understanding they can grow into amazing and adjusted people even though their trauma will always affect them in some ways.

[@animetalk8132]

W last story get that dogshit human out ik imma catch a case but idk can't fix a tire with a wrench imo when he said this is what its like everyday with yall thats when it broke, kid only knew broken house and abuse. and you cant fix that

[@cuddlicalf4854]

They were Seven. The only dogshit people here are OP and you.

[@heroic_antagonist759]

Depends. I'd the kid get the help they need and are willing to get better it will. It sounds like the parents didn't have any access for therapy or help adequate help from the agency. Also this is coming from someone who was in the system and who people genuinely didn't think I would make it this far

[@bread9173]

The last parent is a piece of shit for destroying E and causing him more damage. What an awful parent.

[@user-fg4tn8ot6b]

Yeah...tell that to every family that has to endure a family member who got worse and more abusive. The kid was a danger to them, and, possibly, to himself. They couldn't help him. As cruel as this sounds, sending the kid back was the best decision. Sad, but it is. *Unless you prefer that a tragedy happens. Either one, a few or all the family (including the kid) ends up losing their life. Or ends up seriously injured. Or that one of them ends up in jail. Or that family turned abusive towards the kid.* _What an awful parent._ Yeah...try to care for a family member that progressively gets worse until you can't do it anymore.

[@youcantreplyandlikemycomment]

2nd comment and great vid by the way

[@carmina-solis]

i want to adopt an older kid so bad, i’m glad to hear about it working out 🥹🥹🥹