Why High Masking Autistics Struggle

[@ChrisandDebby]

If you're a high-masking and/or late-diagnosed autistic adult, what are some of your struggles? And have you found anything that helps?

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

I solved most of this stuff by depersonalizing and dissociating. Which is to say that I don't handle it very well at all, but getting an appropriate diagnosis and support is far harder than it should be just because of how internalized it is. And one of the "great" things about not having top down perception sometimes is that things seem to make sense at the moment, but then are completely confusing a few minutes later when it starts to process.

[@reginawong3849]

Heya Chris, thanks for this, I can't get diagnosed cz it means I get very shit rights in my current situation hahha so your vids help heh thanks

[@ruthhorowitz7625]

Would you be willing to read my book 'Living with Autism Undiagnosed ' I'd love your feedback on it.

[@donovonhargrove]

Sometimes when somebody is saying something to me I only hear maybe 3 or 4 words if they're talking a lot especially if I'm focused on something else

[@dottyfulcrum]

Of all the ones you mentioned, only my solution to where the car is parked comes to mind. Either it's parked as far away from the access door as possible (and, therefore, usually in plain view) or I have paid attention to and stored away such things as "the more left row from the H when facing the building." Also, since diagnosis, I have gone back to spending oodles of time by myself---even though I'm married. There are rules for how to approach me when I'm off doing something by myself and he's learned them---for the most part. Oh, yes, and I'm funny. People often are spitting their guts with laughter as I go on. I had always thought that it was what I call The Jester Syndrome. That is, the jester was usually incredibly observant and the matter-of-fact presentation of the true situation is so ridiculous that we laugh, but also realise how cuttingly true it is. And, we remember what was presented because it made us laugh. At least, that's how it looks to me. I noticed it first when I bought a really crappy umbrella in Calgary and was telling the person who was with me---and watching the crappy umbrella, too---"Look! Who'd have expected it to be that totally crappy" or some such. She split a gut throughout the story that she was a part of by standing and watching me fight the crappy umbrella. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was exasperated by the cruelty of the crappy umbrella. Missing the first part of the first sentence! Wow, it's not just me! Thanks for that one. :-)

[@gummywormjim]

The part where you know you should pretend to care about things people are talking about but you just can't bring yourself to fake caring is so real.

[@ChrisandDebby]

It’s a big struggle!! I can’t lie to myself and pretend to care anymore.

[@maggierestivo5256]

I laughed out loud at this one, because it was so true. (Especially as a woman, never mind an autistic woman. There are so many things people expect you to care about, simply because you're a woman, and I'm like... "Uh, no.")

[@luchinazo]

it's a dreadful feeling, most people can see you are faking it but won't say it to you. I just go with "it is what it is" instead don't pretend to care because most won't for you.

[@Alistair]

The weird thing is that you really do care about that person if you are trying to show interest in what they're saying. With people I don't care about, I don't really care about pretending to care. I would like to actually show attention to the people that I care about though. It's difficult stuff.

[@randydub6868]

@@gummywormjim can I ask about family members as I’m with my stepson who is a high functioning autistic but has all these characteristics. I just try not to react anymore but trying to teach him when we are no longer here makes me concerned. Thanks

[@lightinmanyways]

"I just don't understand Why they talk so much about absolutely nothing important" God, that resonated with me so much

[@killerpussy84]

Honestly, I just think that people talk for the talking. The same way I look at pictures just for that or my sister goes hiking just for the sake of being hiking. I don't really have a different explanation, but then again, I am often times so overly talkative that people struggle to shut me up. And because i have so many different interests and so much knowledge, i usually find a topic with almost anyone. Which makes it even Mor euncomfortable if i dont' find something to talk about with someone.

[@KristopherCharles]

And it's even more frustrating when they just do it in the middle of a grocery store aisle or something. Go outside or something. Stop annoying everyone else.

[@anthonymiller4133]

I always felt like an asshole for not wanting to hear people’s stories. It has been a real struggle with my father. He is getting older and doing that thing where he repeats stories which sets my brain on fire.

[@sirgalah561]

I'm an Australian postman.. And that's what it's like in my office.. Everyone talk and laughs about things that seem so puerile - or totally unimportant... Even the manager comes out and does a group meeting then most of what he says sounds like guff... It's as if he gets paid to waste our time.. I'd rather be working than listening to useless conversations...

[@kawag6356]

Yesss

[@billdevany3303]

I am just coming up on my 69th birthday and I just got that I am on the spectrum this year. what a realization! 45= YEARS OF DEPRESSION explained in a single epiphany.. moved out to the country and don't see anyone or interact and poof, depression gone. you have nailed my life of "masking". didn't even know I was doing it. thanks

[@ChrisandDebby]

Glad you figured out what you need and found a way to get it - I’m still learning but getting there. What you found (the quiet life in the country) is what I feel myself gravitating towards more and more now. Thanks for sharing this! Also, early happy birthday! 🙌

[@acelibrarian]

I grew up with ADHD being "bad parenting" and autism being "failure to thrive", but now as I read these comments I realize just how many autistic traits my dad has, which makes my and my sisters' struggles make SO MUCH more sense.

[@dreamscape405]

Me too! I'm late diagnosed woman, at age 50, and yes, in a single take, I wasn't depressed constantly anymore. They tried putting all kinds of labels that just didn't fit. My son is autistic, and my dad/that side of family is autistic, and I'm the only child...but because I'm a woman, I was automatically passed over, even though some immediate family are autistic. It's simultaneously liberating, yet makes me angry that I was ignored ALL this time. And some STILL question because I'm so high masking...but in recent weeks, I've been letting it fall, and it's been great!! Good luck and Cheers to your birthday🥂💃

[@leighorser4398]

@@acelibrarian autism => failure to thrive. Exactly what happened with my son. My ex-wife and I were young, and the doctors just blamed us for his 'failure to thrive'. He was born to an alcholic mother, and his earliest diagnosis (at 5 years old) was FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). He has the physical signs, but that wasn't all. We gave him up as a Ward of the Court eventually, due to our frustrations and my inability to cope. Later on, he was diagnosed bi-polar (my twin brother, his uncle, was also) and autistic (Aspergers). I was diagnosed as Aspergers (simply 'on the spectrum' now) shortly after re-aquainting with him when he turned 18. My diagnosis was unrelated, but when I was told he was Aspergers, it confirmed my own 'self-diagnosis'. My employer paid for my assessment due to issues at work when I claimed a disability. My own father still will not accept my professional diagnosis, and not at all interested in accepting my 'behaviour', insists that it's something I must control.

[@Deborah-vx2ik]

@billdevany3303 I love your post. I too moved out to the country. Desensitized one animal at a time. Now have great Pyrenees, cat, AND some chickens!! Woo-hoo!!!

[@samhiatt]

I really like the metaphor of riding the wave. I really appreciate the few people I know who are willing to "sit back and watch me ride the wave like a badass."

[@ChrisandDebby]

Treasure those few

[@timwilliams2035]

Interjecting and blurting my thought before the wave breaks is my urgent cycle. Some hate it and some roll with it. Freaking annoying sometimes.

[@teleportmanteau]

The problem is all the dogs and dog lovers that want to break your surfing flow by pointing out the cute dog or cat in the street. But also yeah… that surf is usually louder than what the person is saying.

[@MrRedPony01]

The frustration snowball hits me so hard now that I know why I get frustrated so easily… It’s like I went from putting a fire out by letting it burn, to throwing gas on it because I forget in the moment that gas is flammable

[@BrazenNL]

Wow, the audio is so much better, no reverb. I usually have to stop watching after a couple of minutes. Thanks!

[@HghgBoovier]

I agree. No music, no sound effects. It was so much easier to watch and pay attention to

[@ponchie6643]

Oh my word. You just made me realise I have that too. Missing the 1st part of the sentence. So now I know it's an autism thing. Thank you so much. Edit - diagnosed with autism at 54, diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago and self diagnosed with ADD last year.

[@nautje]

Same! And only having the second part - that you already got - repeated back to you, come on… I now realise that this has probably happened countless times in my life

[@jesterr7133]

I have Fibromyalgia as well, along with Psoriasis, and Psoriatic Arthritis. Doesn't being Autistic make life fun?

[@rmrmlcy8906]

that one is soo huge for me!! i will specifically and clearly repeat the portion i heard back to them n ask “what came before (quotes all the rest of the sentence)?” and STILL they wont repeat the opening part i missed!!! i dont understand how i can make it any clearer! theyll just stare and say like, yeah, thats what i said, whats your answer? completely ignoring that i asked them to repeat the first part i didnt hear. this happens to me constantly and i dont know how to be any more crystal clear. I’ll spell it out in detail, “i heard (this part) but i didnt hear anything before that. what did you say in the beginning?” and ill just get blank stares. i cant answer the question if i dont know if you asked Where is (the thing), Do i like (the thing), Do we have any more of (the thing), maybe you said You hate (the thing), maybe you said Hand me (the thing). All we have established is you mentioned something about THE THING but i have no idea why you brought it up or what you want me to say about it! and ten minutes later no progress has been made because they’re just repeating, yeah! the thing! thats right! so whats the answer? ARRRRGHHGHHH this is why i wish people wouldn’t talk to me ever!!! it would be so nice to be invisible and go through my day in peace.

[@amandacooper7514]

I'm waiting for an autism assessment, at age 51. I'm trying to unmask at home, your video's are really helpful. I've found that I really like to say the word 'tiny' in a tiny voice, probably in most situations over and over again 😂

[@sirgalah561]

I don't know it this is the same, but when I'm driving or riding the motorbike.. If I run over a lump or bump I say "bink" out loud.. I do it all the time.. When I cross railway tracks it gets stretched out to "binkety bink" I've been doing it for years...

[@JustinShands]

Oh no... I just tried this and it felt so good. You have infected me.

[@chey7691]

And you just gifted me with a new verbal stim, I'm both annoyed and entertained that it was that easy.

[@OffGridInvestor]

Sometimes you will either get a wrong assessment or none at all. My sister done 4 years of college, in psychology. I was suspected and diagnosed as NOT having it age 17. Age 42, my sister nervously tells me what she thinks. And while it's not full blown, that exactly WHY I was diagnosed as not having autism. But traits are definitely there, just don't affect me quite as badly as most autistics I hear about. And in some things I've trained myself extremely well.

[@tinyfreckle]

When you talked about missing the fiest part of a sentence I literally out loud yelled, "yes! Yes!" Because that happens to me ALL THE TIME, especially the part where people repeat the last thing they said (aka - the bit I already hear because my brain realized I was being spoken to and awoke from its slumber)

[@warriormamma8098]

I had no clue this was a thing. Thought something was wrong with me. Nice to know it goes w ASD.

[@cashbarstad3915]

Sometimes I want to throw up when I’m with a group of people. Hearing every conversation and being unable to focus on just one, the horror of music playing too loud, people laughing abruptly, feeling like i have to moderate my body language and facial expression, it is so overwhelming for me. I had all of this reminded to me recently at a 4th of July party, and I felt so bad because I wanted to engage and have fun, but I just couldn’t.

[@invisibleaccount9284]

If someone’s talking to me during an announcement over the speakers, I fundamentally cannot listen to either. The words turn into noise. I also hate loud music. I understand how people can enjoy it, but the music is like a giant hand that reaches out and keymashes my emotion-board in my head Humor is my secret weapon too! I very often say things that I think are totally innocuous, but people interpret as salacious. It’s mortifying. Ive started doing that on purpose as a joke as a sort of defense mechanism. Like a “haha I got you, get your mind out of the gutter” kind of thing

[@TheVOLTAGEVIDEOS]

This is really good. Short videos are great for us with less attention span. I dont evwn know how I mask or fully understand it. What I DO know is that stimming is generally only at home. Once I realize what I am doing, I grab the stress bal or a fidget toy. Because I now know what I am doing, it seems creepy to rub my race, neck, etc. This is also a great cideo for autistics to understand what thry need in a relationship. I statted erimenopause qbout a year ago, and thats when my behaviors and memory issues seemed to get really bad. I dont know how I would navigate with anyone but my husband of 29 years. We have been through a lot, so this wont stop us! Thank you for your content!

[@markday3145]

Ooooh! I noticed that my struggles got worse starting in my late 40's. In my early 50's, I got diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. I assumed that the apnea and lack of oxygen killed off a bunch of brain cells. Now I'm wondering if there's an age-related physical change in men that might exacerbate autistic challenges.

[@TheVOLTAGEVIDEOS]

@@markday3145 yes, I have sleep apnea. I was 48, but knew it was an issue for years. I am 52 now. I do think there is research suggesting links between estosterone levels and symptoms seeming worse.

[@joan.nao1246]

There is def a connection with hormone imbalances, as they affect SO much of our chemistry ​@@markday3145

[@liamwatts8597]

Excellent pacing and editing. Beautiful explanations. I'm well impressed with the videos you make. AND I learn more about myself and others. Subscribed.

[@valval9277]

I swear I send my mom and best friend over half of these videos to help them understand me! Thank you!

[@gigaus0]

The 'talk so long about absolutely nothing' part hit home for me, but honestly I've learned that it's not just an autistic thing. People do just volunteer too much pointless info or assume people want to talk about them when they're around, and drives people up the wall. Or out of the room.

[@fintux]

As a fellow AuDHDer, I think my two biggest struggles are 1) interruptions and 2) getting my energy depleted. 2) is in a big part caused by 1). I work in IT and we have a lot of meetings and people calling and sending IMs. The constant interruptions are so exhausting and kill my productivity. Working from home has made it easier as at least I don't get interrupted by other people's conversations.

[@johnathanalleyne7121]

Watching and listening to this video I have never felt so seen. Thank you for this ❤

[@toastoast]

I really resonate with the humor to cover up my inadequacies in social situations! My friends think I’m hilarious. I lean into it. I do it much more intentionally now, cause it feels good to be the funny one, but there are definitely times when I give a “deadpan” response accidentally and people think it’s a hilarious response, when in reality I literally just didn’t hear what they said cause my brain didn’t process it

[@kemowery]

I have to remind myself constantly that the proper time to do a bit is not "all the time."

[@toastoast]

@@kemowery oh man that’s so real

[@edm3784]

Yes, the times I've been told 'you're hilarious you should be on the stage ' and I've no idea what was supposed to be so funny, it's bizarre, but definitely preferable to being bullied

[@breathinghereonearth]

The questions at the end of question 1 went by so fast that I couldn't read them. I want to read them. I bet I could really relate and appreciate them.

[@StreetMisfit]

Another absolute banger of going into the descriptive detail about the going ons that feel impossible to describe as it’s happening. Thank you!

[@WillowRowley-d1j]

One thing I struggle with and dislike in particular is faking being nice to prevent other people from being upset. Conversely, I'm quite highly empathic, so that's a weird one. I also learned to laugh at practically everything (something that other people have pointed out) because it seems to make others comfortable around me when, at least inside, I'm uncomfortable and struggling with anxiety. I want to be a counsellor, so navigating these things is going to be... interesting. I wish I could just be me.

[@MsAudreytoo]

Omg I relate SO MUCH to literally all of this!!!! I srsly have lived my 51 years thinking I am the only person living *this* life experience!!!! I have no words for how this feels, to hear another person speak my own reality to me before I try to explain it in attempts to relate & connect socially first. Literally, I am at a complete loss for words rn & feel understood & heard for THE first time in my life - & if you knew me, the very idea of me being at a loss for words wouldn't be reconcilable with the very Me of ME!!! THANK YOU!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ This is the first vid I've watched of yours, but I've liked & subscribed & set notifications to "all", *&* I'm prolly gonna be binge watching SO MUCH more of your content today. I like to quote Shakespeare's Hamlet at times like this: "Words! Words! Words!" 💓💓💓💓💓💗 THANK YOU!!!!!!

[@MichelleMarie-nm6kr]

Low frustration tolerance is huge for me, how to lock and unlock doors, finding buildings on the college campus, unable to find my car. It’s validating to hear I’m not the only one.

[@brandontylerburt]

This is the first time I've heard anybody describe some of the things that you mention here. These things have a huge effect on how I experience social interactions with people, yet years ago I abandoned the idea that others could be made to understand what they are and why sometimes I suddenly become frustrated or angry. I didn't realize until now how much I automatically hide these things even from myself, or ignore them, because I've been trained to think of them as meaningless or insignificant, which I'm realizing now has been a way in which I betray myself by abandoning my own needs. To hear you describe them is liberating somehow. That thing when you ask people to repeat something and they always repeat the wrong part? Or being transported by a wave of ideas triggered by something said in conversation? Fairly often, during a conversation, I'll make some comment that elicits peals of laughter, which is always surprising, and that moment it takes me to adjust gears from "Omg, they're going to want to me say something soon, but I have no idea what anybody's talking about!" to "Yay! I'm a comedian!" is exhilarating. And it's a much better outcome (or at least, a luckier one) than the alternative reaction, which is dead silence signaling that nobody can figure out if what I just said was inappropriate or just confusing. Thank you for making this video. It has meant a lot to me, and I haven't even finished watching it yet.

[@charwyrm8702]

Figured out I had ADHD earlier this year after researching, reflecting on my life, and exploring a bunch of online resources, blogs, tests, checklists, diagnostic criteria, etc. I've had suspicions and go-nowhere appointments at clinics where I've been turned away for no good reason for years now, and I'm finally on the waiting list after basically demanding it at my clinic. A good autist friend told me I'm probably also autistic, and I did the same thing with autism, and today I'm a week into breaking down my mask in comfortable and safe spaces. The easiest thing to let go so far has been allowing myself to stim to my heart's content, since I already fidget a lot, and I've noticed it impacting how I act in private too, like I'm unmasking in my down-time also. I've realized that what I thought were panic attacks are perfectly described as autistic meltdowns, too. Also how I people please and never disagree with others, or get taken advantage of. Lots of other stuff but I'll keep it "brief" and leave off here. Here's to being happier and living more authentically and comfortable in the future.

[@charwyrm8702]

Also when I say stim I mean *STIM*, I was already known to struggle to sit still but vocal stims, clicking fingers, rocking, whistling, you name it. Feels great, though I'm still working through the "I look stupid" feelings.

[@SamMayaGoodrichFalk]

Diagnosed at 43: wow it was the missing piece of the puzzle! Learning to unmask is hard though, because it’s so ingrained! I have found my love of swings and hammocks helps me stim in a more accepted way. Surprised an old friend the other day when I finally admitted to hating going to festivals(crowds). It’s like coming out all over again

[@uniqdzign2]

Just found your channel Chris. Thank you so much for explaining your point of view. I have a partner who is autistic and you have described all the things I see her experience, but most importantly, why she does them. I had figured a large majority of it out, but you clarify why. In the two and a half years we've been together I have learnt to stay at a distance, and give her the maximum space she needs. She even lives in another part of the house, and we come across each other during the day. Her routine, and I don't know if this is typical, is she is active throughout the evening and late into the night. We are both artists and I know that the silence at night is ideal for her. So I work in the morning, as long as I make no sound, as she has acute hearing. Afternoons we might see each other, and that's just fine. She however is a kind and loving person and is only able to show herself through the things she does for me. It has taken me this time being together to figure out what needs to done, and more importantly what NOT needs to be done. Thanks once again.

[@yogachick1955]

One of the things that I have started doing and which has had a really positive impact on the way. People perceive me and the quality of interactions that I have is to tell people within 5 minutes of beginning a conversation that I am on the autistic spectrum, I have face blindness, and these are some of the ways in which I am weird. In my experience, people are much more accepting and understanding of things when they understand what's going on

[@LiteraryStoner]

All. The. Yes. I'm 35 and just realized about 3 1/2 years ago that i'm autistic and about a year later that i'm also adhd. My 30s has been full of learning more about myself (that's just the tip of the ice berg!). But I relate so much to this entire video.

[@baabaabooeee]

My struggle with emotional intelligence/regulation as a kid unintentionally turned into a special interest of mine as an adult. I somehow learned that I needed to teach myself how to explain my emotions because the adults around me didn’t help me to regulate or truly feel my very very big emotions. So as an adult, I still struggle with actually feeling my still very big emotions and for a long time, I thought that being able to explain why I am having an emotion was the same as actually feeling my emotions. Now I am so burnt out from holding back melt downs because they terrify me, and I still don’t know how to just feel things and let myself regulate intuitively.

[@ChrisandDebby]

This is really challenging and a struggle that many autistics experience, especially before knowing more about why it happens. It might also be connected to alexithymia - we have a video about that here but it’s also still something we are learning more about too: Autism & Alexithymia: Why Many Autistics Struggle with Emotions kzbin.info/www/bejne/mae3iKqPqaqGrqs Thanks for sharing this - the challenges of noticing feelings after masking for a long time and then being able to communicate them is a huge struggle

[@plutoniumlollie9574]

I'm undiagnosed and didn't know, that burning out could be part of the 'autistic experience'. But looking back, it makes so much sense. I'm suspecting for years, that I had my first burnout at the age of nine. Growing up between two very different cultures, that each had their own sets of rules and expectations was difficult. No matter how hard I tried, I seemed always to be in trouble. I didn't get the cues, which set of rules to apply. As an extremely shy kid, I then started to tip toeing around and tried to blend in with the background, so I wouldn't get into more trouble. Now I'm in my forties and struggling to get diagnosed ('Nah, you don't look like it. Just stop telling yourself you're on the spectrum just because it became popular. '). I'm struggling with loneliness and I'm exhausted and fed up with high-masking. I just want to be able to have MY personality and work in a field that doesn't stress me out to the point that the roots of my hair start tingling and I go through heatwaves, just because someone is breathing next to me.

[@mahatmadoo2566]

3:30 min. mark- you describe it perfectly.

[@diandrikk]

I'm 78 and this sounds very familiar to me. What are the advantages of a diagnosis vs. just self diagnosing? I kinda feel like it's pretty late to catch on. But seeing myself as high-functioning and/or high masking really does feel true. Amazing how much I masked even from myself.

[@ronkelley5348]

64 and realised a couple of years ago that this is very highly probable. Small talk and trying to socialise are particularly difficult. I also find what most people want to talk about an utter irrelevance...

[@sarah.s.flanagan]

I think it's interesting where different neurodivergences do and don't overlap. In Struggle #1 all but your last two boards felt strongly true to my experiences with ADHD and anxiety

[@mark70s29]

I have never felt "normal" now this makes total sense to me! What the..am I supposed to do about it?!

[@josephadams9711]

The surfing analogy was perfect.

[@Qarl23]

HOLY. CRAP. That surfing metaphor... I thought that was maybe an ADHD thing I had. But I've never heard a description of it from someone else that resonated as much as this. This video is prompting me to look into an autism diagnosis.

[@Hari-Harmonies]

Hey, diagnosed with Asperger's, thank you for giving us a voice.

[@ChrisandDebby]

Thanks for being here! And it’s awesome to see how many others can relate when I had felt like it was only me for so many years, especially before my diagnosis. I appreciate this comment!

[@christinestromberg4057]

I can relate to so much of that. The times my daughter has said to me : Mother, you can't say that! And I'm thinking "yes I can, i just did.' And then there's some relatives who could talk for England, about absolutely nothing. I've learned to nod and smile and just tune out. A lot of what you mention is the reason I've been a loner all my life. It's just easier. I have the excuse of having physical chronic illness and disability though, which means I rarely go anywhere anyway.

[@jodyslifetipschannel9684]

2:35 I learned the magic words for this one: "Start over?" So often, if I just say, "What was that?" they just repeat the last couple seconds. But if I ask them to start over from the beginning, so often they actually _start over from the beginning_. And they don't even usually get upset about it! Every now and then they'll question me, but when I point out that I wasn't focused on them and lost the first part, they usually seem more flattered that I want to focus on what they were saying.

[@aimlessaimless9224]

Not autistic, but share some of the same struggles anyway. Instead of asking someone to repeat themselves, I’ve found asking them to please say it to me in a different way is usually effective. They often take a pause to figure out a different way to say it, I can switch focus and start listening at the beginning because I know they’re about to speak. People are exhausting.

[@nonofyb]

Omg, the missing the first part of the sentence and them repeating the second is such a struggle!!

[@Gubalicious]

I went to a "beer festival" at a farm yesterday. I was fine talking to the small group of friends I had come with until the band started playing really loud through a set of huge speakers. Literally can't hear a thing now apart from their cover of losing my religion by REM, impossible to speak to anyone around me because all I can hear inside my head and ears is this music. My brain shuts down then, yet all the people sat round me are still talking to each other somehow. Then a load of new people I'd never met before came and sat with us and instantly began talking to everyone else. I made my polite goodbyes and left. Oh well... At least I showed up.

[@kurosuzu]

Those questions, I stopped questioning them cause things are always like that and I just take it as facts. Most people just don't make sense to me. Even I feel like being the rational one, they don't think I am, while I'm thinking in basic logic, they decide to think too complicated and nothing makes sense. It's mostly yes or no, 1 and 0, why does things have to be that complicated while they don't have to. I don't understand.

[@M.Shepardbee]

I've watched quite a few of your videos. This is the first one that felt like you weren't lieing to me.

[@Greedygoblingames]

The thing about not picking up on the start of a conversation because I'm still processing what came before, yep! Also, if multiple people are talking at the same time my brain shuts off, unable to cope. I haven't been diagnosed as being on the spectrum but I definitely suspect I am as so much of this (not everything, but most of it) rings true.

[@h.nicolejorgensen2077]

Not sure if ADHD or on spectrum. I have shut downs Get easily frustrated Get super bored with chit chat Major burn out and exhaustion How to cope? I really don’t. My work treats me like the slow dim witted child in the room. I get looked over for projects or advice even though I’m very creative and think outside the box. I have a way of problem solving very quickly . However, I get treated like scapegoat if things go wrong because I hate confrontation and I don’t know how to defend myself verbally. It sucks. I keep changing jobs when I feel like I’ve been “discovered “ or I can’t mask anymore and get scared or frustrated because the manager doesn’t know how to work with my “issues” of being different and overly “sensitive “. It’s nice to find videos like this to feel that I’m not alone. I just wish I didn’t feel so ashamed of my differences.

[@Jen-CelticWarrior]

I overthink things and get waaay into details. So much so, that it’s difficult to make decisions. Then I get overwhelmed and avoid making a decision, or I have a meltdown. I’ve had to leave carts with groceries in them to get out of the store because it got too busy all of a sudden. I try to shop at off-peak hours to avoid all the people and navigating through all the other carts and the noise. Or I go with the spousal unit so he can finish the shopping, and I go out to the car or a quieter place in the store to recover. I hate phone calls, and I hate calling to make appointments for some reason. But now, put me into an emergency where I have to make snap decisions, and I shine like a rockstar, lol!

[@daniela1970-d3o]

Can someone help me? How have I have done so much (thriving), being called resilient, a person full of focus and energy… and now after watching autistic friends/creators I am feeling and watching myself like a slacker?

[@VJFranzK]

Well spoken! 7:20 The comedy angle is an interesting one. (How many actual "comedians" may have begun with AuDHD, I wonder?)

[@ChrisandDebby]

Yes, good question! I’d guess quite a few. Just like a lot of other contributions to the world, it seems

[@quitethemike]

Showing patience, acceptance, and understanding: Good advice, but don't reach out and touch my shoulder, unless you're offering a free back rub, and even then it's better to clearly communicate your intention before touching me.

[@wallywampa]

I have a huge hoodie with a deep hood. I call it my Rock. When I need to melt down quietly, I put it on, pull the hood over and recline in a computer chair, thereby "crawling under my rock." People know that means I need quiet, cold, and dark. As for struggles, other drivers, grocery stores are hard to navigate due to noise and people, oh and the oldie but goodie "I have a meeting at 3PM online via chat, so I can't possibly do anything else until then." I don't know how I made it this long in life sometimes.

[@artisticafflair408]

wow. You are so articulate. You have the incredible ability of describing your audhd and relating It to people globally . You are describing me down to a "T" 🧡

[@LivingroomTV-me9oz]

I spent 30 years thinking that I was the only human living on the Planet of the Apes; everyone around me seemed intellectually subordinate…even the adults, by the time I was 10. I mean, if nobody can beat me at chess, trivia, maths, science-quizzes…they must all be morons. Then, I came to realise that there was a plethora of things I could only do with enormous effort (hold a polite conversation without accidentally coming across rude, predict people’s behaviour, use the ‘correct’ facial expression, stay more than 5 minutes at a party) that EVERYONE else could do with great ease…I began to think that it was ME whose brain was broken, and that I was the only chimpanzee on the Planet of the Humans. Before I was 40, I worked it out; I’m able (after so much experience of navigating social situations and years of on-the-job training from my wife!) to mask more and more. I care so much about those around me, I go out of my way NOT to be neurodivergent and annoying. It’s always a challenge, but hey, I STILL get the super-power side of being neurodivergent; the problem solving skills, the encyclopaedic knowledge of obscure facts, etc.😊

[@penvegan]

I love the editing on this. Also yes relatable

[@pippipster6767]

The irony of this video is I found it actually quite hard to keep up with it. Especially the writing on the cards which wasn’t on the screen long enough to read! 😂

[@lonniebolwerk8164]

Thanks for this, a few things resonated but a lot didn't. My husband and kids say I should be tested but after hearing this, I realize I am just weird....and I'm okay with that.

[@ChrisandDebby]

I like weird!! Good for you🙌🙌

[@JEM_Tank]

It's interesting as a someone with just adhd what kind of perspective someone with both has and what some of the differences are

[@Son54321go]

This sounds like me, trying to have conversations with people!

[@jonathanreycraft2121]

So many of these I’m just nodding or saying. “Check” I used to laugh at jokes like t hat I totally didn’t get. One thing that I cannot explain is how my internal body rigidity relaxed in my 30’s. Anyone else have similar experience with this?

[@catherinecummins2847]

Relearn myself is very helpful😊

[@elkeshultz4496]

headphones! everywhere! i take my bose noise cancelling headphone with me everywhere, i being tiny stuffed animals to quietly stim (i can keep them in my pocket), snacks always packed for when i've forgotten to eat for too long (water bottle too!), and i smoke a lot of weed to help with regulation and over stimulation. i live in a big city with a Lot of stimulation so it's unfortunately a lot about preparedness

[@DrBellaSos]

Thanks Chris! It feels good to feel understood!

[@lucidcandor4789]

Omg!!! You described my whole existence 🙏🖤🤍✨

[@ZorroVulpes]

It’s so hard to mask to conform now that the social contract is broken and everyone is so deep in their internet rabbit holes everyone has different conflicting expectations of you

[@Haruchemy]

There's a mosquito in your face in some part of the video. Funny. I love you and I thank you for this video.

[@aslpanda]

Am i the only one that can’t read things on the screen as fast as they appear and disappear? I had to pause the video for those thought cards cause they were flipped way too fast and i couldn’t even pause the video fast enough to catch some of them before they were flipped

[@masterofthelines]

Undiagnosed but increasingly think I should find some sort of support because for my entire life I think I've been so high-masking that I've been self-masking or whatever the term for it. Like I knew I was weird but I was so afraid of the negative connotations of autism that I had to convince myself I was weird but still neurotypical. Yeah, huge cognitive dissonance. And so my reaction to resonating with every struggle here is immense sadness because finally being able to relate just triggers what I was afraid of all along. Like a murderer turning themselves in. Even though it's ultimately for the best. It's not bad, just different. And I wanted to delete this comment. Like usual. "wait don't express that." So I probably should post it. Still had to reread it a few times to make sure I agreed with myself.

[@gumbilicious1]

I have learned to leverage my dissonance with the world by having “comical takes” on topics or situations. To me almost everything is absurd, and I fit in by having funny takes on things. I have realized that my comedy stems from my confusion, and I fit in better by voicing it I am not funny at all, I am just sharing my view of the world, and it sounds like a skit

[@MariaMulholland-y1v]

A couple of things you brought up my husband has mentioned to me and I wish I knew the answer so I could help him and that is why he is so tired before he starts work and why he needs to take naps during the day.

[@ChrisandDebby]

We have a few videos (and more on the way!) about ways that Debby helps me out too. Everyone has their own unique needs, but we’ve figured a lot out together and Debby has also adapted a lot. She’s a great observer (especially with education background) so she can anticipate a lot to help with, but we actually have a video coming this Friday about some of the reasons why autistic people like me are constantly exhausted. It sounds like it might be helpful for you and your husband too. Hope our channel can be helpful for both of you!

[@MariaMulholland-y1v]

@@ChrisandDebby oh thats great I love my husband and Im legally blind so some things I dont see well to pick up on but I want to hellp and grow with him

[@carriekayak8530]

When somebody explains something to me and I missed the first part, which is frequent for me as well, I say ( after they repeat the second half) no no before that before that before you said that thing, what did you say prior to that?" I don't try to explain what I got and what I didn't got or why. I just direct them to the part that I missed

[@bdbensley]

My wife will ask me to move something, then go for hours about why it needs to be moved, who is wanting it moved, how it will effect others after the move, and just about everything in the universe except where to move it, when to move it. Then once we have a fight for hours and she gives me that information, she gets mad at me on how I Moved it!!!!’

[@New-ye2fl]

I’ve pulled at my hair my whole life bar a couple years where I thought I had stopped but past two years, I try get haircuts every other week as a fresh cut I is usually try really hard not to pick so I don’t ruin it 😂

[@TentoesMe]

Chris, I could NEVER wear that hoodie😯 Clothes must be loose fitting😏

[@mrjiggawatt]

I have a suspicion that I am a high masking autistic. I have a lot of these same issues.

[@obi-wankenobi8462]

To mask, I just don’t talk to anyone. It’s great!

[@adcraziness1501]

Oh man the surfin the shit out of the forty foot wave of thoughts. My specialty is letting their reaction to what I'm trying to say distract me completely from what I was talking about. Hoo boy what even was I saying? I can lose an entire train of thought. Tracks and all.

[@ricperry1]

Surprised no one mentioned the gigantic mosquito that enjoyed a feast on the right side of your face. 😂

[@albertfralinger2711]

I’ve never heard of the term “high masking” before, but after watching this video I still don’t really know if it’s a thing. Everything he said sounds relatively normal. He described a typical engineer. Am I missing something?

[@tanyatalkstoomuch]

So I'm pretty sure I'm autistic. I can't afford to get a diagnosis. If I even try to talk to anybody about it they look like me like I have three heads 😳 I've always done a fair job at keeping it together in public. And anything not quite right was blamed on my mental illness. It's just in the last 6 months I have come to the conclusion I am most likely autistic and that my mental illnesses are either misdiagnosed or comorbidities. So asking anyone around me to take into consideration any of my special needs like overstimulation or sensory issues isn't even an option 😔

[@margilvi5890]

Im so sorry tanya. But here we are. A youtube community ready to understand each other!!❤

[@bdbensley]

My gosh!!! My life!!!!! So sad!

[@howaboutataste]

Soo, I struggle with videos like this that I relate to so much. Yet I know I'm not on the spectrum. My best understanding is I am in the broader autism phenotype. A thing many people don't think exists. (Dispite indisputable empirical evidence) I understand that the DSM is written by Insurance companies, to further their goal of increasing profit. And that Government policies follow the DSM. None of that is a mystery. But seriously, I have no place to turn for support. Literally nowhere, no place, no body. I found out two months ago my maternal uncle has full schizophrenia. I had always surmised he was schizotypal or schizoaffective disorder. My only real clue was the Parkinson-like tremors he had the last time I saw him. I know those to be from long-term use of antipsychotic medications. I would have thought that if he was actually schizophrenic I would have been told so at some point. My mom was real piece of shit in this regard. On the other side of my family, I have two cousins whose sons are on the spectrum. One is definitely Autistic. I'm 42. There is no hope for me. The problem most people don't see with neurodiversity is the diversity part. You can't just shove everyone into clear categories. Every description just bleeds into the next description. I am neither normal nor neurodivergent.

[@Robert-yc9ql]

Nicely done. 😊

[@BenjaminRausch-oi4oc]

Thank you for not adding music!

[@acelibrarian]

Right? For a little while there there was a trend to have short videos about ADHD where the point of the video was text on the screen, but there would also be music with competing lyrics (or a semi-related audio clip from a movie/TV show) and a video of someone dancing with a cyclorama color overlay. Made me seriously doubt that the makers were ND.

[@LynneLaRochelle]

YES

[@creatrixZBD]

Ah! I was wondering why I wasn’t as annoyed as I often get watching yt vids. Appreciate you pointing that out 👍🏼

[@RealButcher]

Yeah, that's terrible. Every radio here has music, even during news and talkshows... I'm Dutch.

[@GenericAccountVLR]

Yes! Thank you!

[@HermitLady]

“People talk so long about absolutely nothing” hit home! I have that thought so many times a day. 😂

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

Me too! I'm fine with not talking all day, even at work. I like talking, too, sometimes, but only in the right conditions and circumstances. I hate it when people ask me, "Why are you so quiet?" Um, because I don't know you, lol. If you want to talk, why don't you start a conversation, then? Asking me why I'm quiet is NOT an appropriate conversation starter, however.

[@1kewlglamma]

My main thought, when I must be around most people or, I'm like in a crowded place, is how stupid people are...

[@hameley12]

Same here. Since I was a kid, in the first nine years, I was non-verbal, and they had me examined by dozens of doctors. I didn't budge up or peep. I finally became verbal and learned the sounds and pronunciation of things, suddenly I heard people saying things in front of me and behind my back "Why doesn't she shut up for a moment, or a day?" Looking back, it makes no sense. You don't talk. You must be broken or shy. You speak too much, you are broken, or you are a parrot. 😂 I don't speak much to strangers or family members. If they wanna start a conversation. Sure, I'll follow as long as the conversation is interesting. Lol!

[@jamesalexander958]

I doubt I have autism, but I can relate to this big time

[@lauraalopez]

I’ve forced myself to conform, to make eye contact, make small talk, etc that now everyone thinks I’m a popular, social person. I’m so exhausted and in physical pain.

[@Khaleesi_Jack]

Same. But that may be attributed to the way females are raised and all that societal expectations stuff. How we're SUPPOSED to behave. Nobody understands how hard it is to appear normal or how fucking exhausting it is.

[@ELSENIORBACON]

@lauraalopez I distanced myself from those friends, now I have a small group of like 5 good friends vs 20. It sucks but it's better this way. And my true friends were the ones that asked me if I was OK, and when I told them about what I was going through they understood and don't bother me as much. My worse fear was people thinking I didn't care because I didn't tall to them every day. But now they know we're always friends even if I'm not around. Besides, as cynical as it sounds I realized they have other friends to fill that social roll and don't need me for that. I interact with someone personally about once every couple weeks. I'm not saying drop all your friends, but dropping a few helped my mental health so far.

[@kemowery]

I do the bit where I look at people's forehead or nose rather than their eyes. And I don't even do that often. I don't typically like looking at people at all when I talk to them, so I'll look near them but not at them.

[@thecuriousboardgamer]

I came to realize that was killing me. Masking set expectations (from others and for myself) that I could not maintain. That led to shame, depression, anxiety, and a total breakdown.

[@marianadave5392]

a few years ago I made a decision: I won't have a social life anymore. Period. And I am doing so much better now.... Today I just need masking at my workplace... and NO, I will not have dinner with the guys, I eat my own food from home...

[@TinyCatSpoons]

I hate haircuts so much. The smells, small talk, and getting a haircut I don’t like. I learned how to cut and colour hair like a professional, got a tri-fold mirror and some professional shears, and now I don’t have to endure the nightmare any longer. Necessity begets learning.

[@skeovkp48598]

Same here. The trouble I have now is getting round to cutting it, so now I'm growing it, until the next time I decide I can't cope with long hair.

[@funkyspiderhat9006]

Wow same, I didn't realise how bad it was until I went recently for the first time in a while, and noticed how desperate I was for it to be over. Might have to teach myself too

[@helenhighwater5313]

And you save money too!

[@shakeyj4523]

I was thinking about getting one of those things George Clooney uses to cut his hair. A Flowbe????? I'm a bit chicken though.

[@shakeyj4523]

@@skeovkp48598 That's where I am. It's below my waist, and I really don't like it.

[@hank_430]

As an actor, it’s wild to see how a lifetime of observation and pretend due to my autism gave me all my acting skills from being a high masker - downside: figuring out who I am under it all ♥️ thank you!

[@TheSquidworm]

This is super interesting as ive had a theory that all this masking makes a great actor and then find out that so many people in the arts are neuro diverse

[@emiliahalstead49]

Yes! Henry, I had this realization myself this year. I'm an INCREDIBLE mimic and can camelion myself into any role... but... who am I? I am only JUST beginning to figure that out at 43.

[@gaylynyoung6387]

I was a great actor as a young person. Won a scholarship. I never pursued it because I was fat and had crooked teeth and RSD. Couldn’t do it. (But now that I lost weight, got the teeth straightened and retired …). My son is also autistic (he’s how I know I’m autistic). He’s a good actor. I knew it when he was two and we had to act out Cinderella. Soooo… I was wondering whether I’m a good actor because I mask or I’m good at masking because I’m a good actor.

[@wesgilleland8730]

I'm not an actor (well, not in title anyways) but yeah, I feel like I've always played pretend better than the average bear. Figuring out which parts of the various personas I've picked up to define an acceptable visage to the rest of society are actually really parts of me is so goddamn exhausting

[@MelissaThompson432]

​@@gaylynyoung6387yes. Actually, both. Being autistic creates a need for you to act. The need makes you develop the skill. And since it's probably hereditary, your ancestors who thrived were probably good actors, as well. Who says you can't inherit acting ability? Or musical gifts, another trait that's highly correlative in the autism community.

[@dreamcoreeden]

“Why would people bully others, why are they so cruel?” That hit bc I ask myself that so often

[@Ifixitagain]

Yes. A keen sense of Unfairness seems to be a common theme

[@ebossnz6838]

That's not an autism thing. Everyone experiences this. Except crazys

[@hameley12]

Something my psych professor told us last time, it was "People rejoice in the good actions of a community or a self-start act; then there are people who rejoice in degrading and humiliating others in community or alone. It's much like a rush from a drug. Their dopamine is highest when they make others suffer. It's so addicting that they don't know right from wrong. There are other inmates who years later realize their errors and find better ways to use, to cope with that rush. And they wish to help the police to find their victims and ask for forgiveness or the cadaver. Others don't go through the realization of 'Aha!'. And yet, these people live amongst us masking their horrible dopamine rush. " This hit us right in the gut. This is terrifying. Sociopaths who also mask as normal.

[@stoverboo]

In my family, the only accepted emotions were anger and contempt. Bullying was part of everyday life. I was an adult before I got far enough away from that culture to learn better behaviours.

[@MrDude-yj1kx]

social darwinism.

[@stevendaleschmitt]

Diagnosed about 6 weeks ago, at 64 years old, it's like having your whole life explained, unfolded, unlocked... I was misdiagnosed by professionals many years ago with 'situational depression', and 'everybody's on the spectrum somewhere', which led to my discounting my struggles and myself as 'just weird'. My personal, family, school and career struggles have been many, I know now why I'm alone, but something that really bothers me is not knowing how things would have turned out, or how far I could have gone if I'd known, and others knew, and helped and supported me instead of antagonizing, ignoring, or bullying. Maybe if there was instruction or counseling when I was young I wouldn't have been blindsided by some tragic events, and leveraged my autistic talents better too. Right now, it feels like I'm finally finding out who I am.

[@deniseahlquist2993]

Best to you as you navigate the new narrative. Hopefully you will find the positive aspects of the present moments ahead.

[@cbrooks0905]

I’m about to be 40 and figured mine out around 4 or 5 years ago. I have a similar experience. When I figured it out it’s like my whole life all of a sudden made sense.

[@wisecoconut5]

I am 57 and self-declared about 3 years ago. One of the hardest things for me has been to let go of self recriminations over my "failures." Things like my lousy relationship with my mom and the career and education I never had. But I finally feel as though I am beginning to understand that these "failures" have been a joint venture. Now, instead of trying to learn about me, I am learning the stuff about nom-autistics I didn't know. Like I am a direct communicator, but most non-autistics are indirect communicators. Also of help, being "older" gives us permission to seem cranky. When someone says, "Why would you say(do) that?"You cn respond with 'why wouldn't you say(do) that?!"

[@petat13]

🩷

[@MelissaThompson432]

In fairness to yourself (and me; I'm 65) when you were in school, autism was considered VERY rare. And then it was "only boys." It hasn't been very long ago that high masking autism was recognized as autism at all. I think there's a reason for us. I think we're the door openers for all the little girls (and others) who won't be left behind or sit in a corner watching the other kids play because they haven't figured out how to join in.... And we're old enough now to insist on what we need. And what _they_ need. To build muscle, you have to break it, because it's the repair that makes it stronger. We must be some kind of bionic by now, don't you think?

[@thefuzzbutler]

i just wanna say that i really appreciate that you went to the trouble of shooting your own b roll. i find stock footage incredible distracting and irrelevant most of the time. i often miss the point entirely because i’m wondering why i’m looking at some random kid eating ice cream or whatnot. thank you. the extra effort is noted.

[@connoralbertson2843]

Lol! So many of these comments making me laugh because they're thoughts I've always had that I've never seen written or said anywhere else.

[@Argrouk]

OMG Yes! This.

[@HerefortheLove]

@@connoralbertson2843I keep giggling thinking the same reading these comments. I feel at home here lol

[@Jill.Carter.]

That's very true!

[@MarketResearchReading114]

I think this is a point not a lot of people would bring up. I also thought it was a nice touch, but didn't think about the effort that went into it enough. Yeah it was pretty cool.

[@MelodieRose727]

It’s been 2 years, I was diagnosed at 45. It’s been a revolution in my life, and changed how I make all my choices. I can now meet some of my own needs, and know why to avoid losing battles. Its incredible. I just wish I hadn’t lost my friends and even my found family. Being alone is hard. But I don’t let people be mean to me anymore.

[@CB19087]

They weren't your friends. You'll find them soon, stick to your values and you'll find them ❤

[@Judymontel]

Yeah, I haven't "lost" my friends exactly, but my abilities changed and I'm in the process of gradually redesigning a lot of things about my life to suit my current limitations. They're out there, but there is no longer a playing field in which we can meet (mostly because the ones they're on no longer suit me). It's a lot to figure out, and since I definitely miss having more connection, it's important to me. So I'm taking the time to do it slowly.

[@CB19087]

@Judymontel apologies for projecting my experience onto yours 😊 Although similar in some ways. I've got better at asking for my needs to be met. Meeting one person at a time, location preferences and asking to leave if sensory overloaded. It's been hard letting go of acquaintances but I'm glad I'm only focusing on people I class as friends. I'm lucky I work in a big workplace so generally get my social needs met through the day to day fleeting interactions. Those are my favourite because their scripted

[@steveneardley7541]

I have lost a lot of friends in life, for god knows what reason. But at a certain point I also cleaned house, getting rid of friends who were abusive and who bullied me. I seemed to collect such people, and they were among my best friends. I don't claim to be guiltless in these relationships; I guess I'm really irritating on some level, but I can't have such people in my life, regardless of where the blame lies.

[@CircleofHorns]

Stay strong, friend- you're not alone

[@patchoulidrop]

The feeling of euphoria from finally recognizing myself in these in ways that I was previously ashamed and confused about.

[@ChrisandDebby]

I know that feeling too! It’s hard to unlearn but so necessary for understanding yourself. Hope you’ll find our content helpful for that 🙌

[@SuperGingerBickies]

Bingo!

[@AndreaCrisp]

My problem is that I am so high masking as a female that now I am not sure what is masking and what isn’t. Having introception issues does not help matters. I also don’t feel like my spouse gets any of it or me. So crazy as I was originally watching all of these videos, because my counselor thought that he might possibly be on the spectrum. He still might be, he’s old and doesn’t really care. Whereas my world has been rocked. It explains so much. Everything. But now it’s feeling like an existential midlife crisis. Sigh. Thank you for the video!

[@fintux]

I also have masking as so integral part of me that I don't know how I would be without masking. It also explains why I struggle answering any questionnaires about myself. Often I have no clue. I guess part of it is also autism and ADHD having kind of contradicting traits. Like doing small decisions often is much harder for me (autism) than doing big decisions (ADHD kind of overrides my autism there I guess). Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad. For real. By a huge margin.

[@dande_lion]

@@fintux "Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad." Same for me. The latter might sometimes be decided in one second (like: Yeah, a new adventure is coming up! Sure I'm in!), whereas for the one a looot of data needs to be collected before a choice can be made. 😅 Edit: But honestly? I like both parts of me. Collecting data is a fun way to spend your time with either. 😊

[@InterDivergent]

I resonate with you in regards to my partner not understanding any of it or me. I've been there for the past 6 months and I am patiently waiting for the understanding and acceptance to come along. I think an issue for my partner is that she has a friend who has 2 ASD-2 Children, and she can't accept a level 1 diagnosis because it doesn't show as these grown up children.

[@InterDivergent]

@@fintux funny about the appliance comment. I resonate strongly with this. I've actually moved abroad and it took a lot less effort than it did to make choices on things to purchase - so much data mining required.

[@fintux]

@@InterDivergent I've moved abroad not just once, but twice. I made both decisions pretty quickly, basically in a matter of minutes. For a vacuum cleaner, I made a spreadsheet, read test reports, called manufacturers, visited several shops. It was a long project. I've not regretted any of those decisions, but yeah looking back it does seem a bit odd. (Of course I did not actually move abroad just like that, it required paperwork, planning etc., but I did not question the decision - though I guess also my opportunities were such that I didn't also need to think about which country or city to move in).

[@ChairmanSteel]

Oh my god, pretending to care even slightly about things I don't care about is almost physically painful.

[@alliem.182]

I was a massage therapist for 7 years. Because people were face down, I didn't have to make eye contact and they couldn't observe my body language. They gave me the benefit of the doubt when something I said was misconstrued. People didn't treat me with contempt or disdain. For the first time, I felt like a real person. For a while, I loved it. Then it hit me. My whole life people have treated me as some kind of alien just because of my body language and facial expressions. Pisses me off. Why can't they give us the benefit of the doubt even when they're looking at us? Why do we have to work so hard just to be treated with a modicum of dignity?

[@LivingroomTV-me9oz]

I hear you, fellow neurodivergent person! Rather than get angry and resent them for not understanding, try to see things from their point of view. After all, you’re smart, and you didn’t understand it at first!

[@alliem.182]

@@LivingroomTV-me9oz There's a difference between intelligence and empathy. Empathy is giving someone a chance, even if you don't understand them at first. The narrative is that we're the ones lacking empathy, but that's obviously wrong. Get an entire civilization to belittle and deconstruct a group of people that have been alienated since birth, because you can't stand some 'je ne sais quoi' about how they present themselves - who's lacking empathy there?

[@G8tr1522]

​@@alliem.182 "desire is the root of all suffering". Stop trying to get their approval. Lead your own path, and they will follow.

[@biancad2775]

@@G8tr1522 Exactly, when I was in school I was always with the other strange kids, and it was ok. I never had the need to become friend of the "normal" kids, although with some normal people it was working good, but I never tried very hard. If somebody don't like me, no problem, the world is full of people, I just move on. So I end up with 3 friends who I can contact from time to time to see how they are doing, and they are ok with this. That's enough social contact for me.

[@jimwilliams3816]

@G8ter1522 I think there’s a balance to be struck with validation. Yes, being comfortable with who you are, rather than depending on outside affirmation is a good thing. But it’s gradually sinking into me that yes, excessive need for external validation and fragile self image tend to flow from not having received enough emotional support. Humans actually need that external support, and this need has been recognized in psychology circles for a long time. Those who haven’t received it are the ones that have the hardest time dealing with invalidation. I think it’s important to recognize this when making the type of statement you have. Absent that, it can lead people with validation issues further into feelings of moral failure: why am I concerned about what others think? Why can’t I recognize my own self worth implicitly? It helps to recognize that the people who are grounded in this area probably did not do it on their own; they likely had emotional support from people close to them, and this may be why they don’t struggle with self worth in the way that a person who never had that support does.

[@scottfw7169]

Oh man, that bit about burnout and toning it down - problem was, trying to do and keep jobs which paid the bills and bought the groceries burned me out for good over a decade ago.

[@creatrixZBD]

Yes

[@xMDawg19x]

100%. Not to belittle your experience, but I’m right there with you I think.

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

Yep, I've struggled with keeping jobs my entire life. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 28, but that didn't make things better (I'm 42 now). I've had 43 jobs at 31 companies in a span of 26 years (which including many years without working at all). I'm currently unemployed. Every job I've ever had has been horrible and low paying, even though I have a Bachelor's degree (in geography from 2005). I only survive by getting government assistance and loans from family members. I can't handle living with other people, so I don't have anyone to share bills or chores with. I also have no friends. I like I might also have ADHD because I have trouble focusing on tasks and am always wanting to do something else. I have massive amounts of free time but struggle to make myself do anything useful with it. I had (and still have, I hope) a lot of potential, having accomplished some impressive things when I was young, despite my disadvantages. I hope things get better soon, but my life is unpredictable.

[@LSD-420]

​@@MatthewTheWanderer Are you obsessed with maps like me? Ever looked into being a land surveyor?

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

@@LSD-420 Yes, I've been obsessed with maps since I was a toddler! Land surveyor doesn't sound like an easy job to get and the skills involved have very little to do with what I know about maps. If I was ever going to consider being a land surveyor, I should have done it 20 years ago. It's too late for that now.

[@HobbitBroad]

I have finally gotten old enough that I can tell people "hey, I'm old. I have an old processor. You need to start at the beginning. The point before I realized you were talking to me" amazingly enough it works, even better then saying "what!". My daught sometimes will wait until I put whatever I'm doing down before she starts the actual conversation. Most of time time I have no idea what everyone is talking about, especially in a group. When I do get in a coversation with someone I've notice most people won't let me finish my sentence. I know I don't ramble because I find myself paussing often when talking to my therapist, waiting for her thoughts on whatever I'm talking with her about. I have people staying at my home right now and I have found I'm having more meltdowns. They keep trying to reorganize my home. I can't find anything and it sends me into a tailspin. Then they get mad because I put everything back were it was. I can make eye contact when I first start to talk to people but after that first initial contact I will look away, otherwise I can't pay attention to what is being said, or think about how I should respond. Trying to make eye contact while talking is too distracting. I also don't like music playing while driving, don't like loud parties, and don't like large crowds. I got to see my grandson tonight. I haven't seen him in a really long time. He is low functioning autistic. After hanging out with him for a little while I asked him if it was ok to have a hug. He gave me a really big smile and actually said 'sure'. He walked over to me and gave me a really big hug. Then a little bit later he walked over to me and held my hand. There was some music playing in the background and I noticed his lips were moving to the song. I rocked our hand a little to the music. He seemed to like that so I asked him if he would like to dance. He started pulling me out of my chair. I talked him through our dance moves. After a while I told him I needed to sit back down. He's sister came over and said he had never done that with anyone before. I'm thinking no one ever asked his permission before. Oh, my grandson is 7yo. I would also pause between calling his name and then talking to him. He is considered none verbal but if you ask him something requiring really short answers and give him time to answer he will answer just fine.

[@jimwilliams3816]

❤️

[@RostiArt]

so much love❤

[@J4Julz]

❤ listening is so important.