Why is estrangement between parents and their adult children so common?

We all know someone with psychopathy.
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But few know the truth about it. We’re helping change that… by helping you know the signs. Know about treatment options and resources. And know you’re not alone.
Psychologist and author Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., an expert on parental estrangement, discusses links between psychopathy and parents' relationships with their adult children. To learn more about Dr. Coleman, visit: www.drjoshuacoleman.com/
He joined us on zoom to discuss parenting, Psychopathy, and estrangement.

[@Chill-Pill]

Listen, some of us have gone through such emotional and physical trauma through our parents…we disconnect to save ourselves. We aren’t entitled, we aren’t self absorbed, we aren’t being brats. Most of us gave our parents so many chances, too many chances to make it right. It’s about survival for most of us adult children who have been repeatedly traumatized by one or both parents.

[@203blessings]

When you try to talk to family and they hang up on you, or say they don't remember. I don't think it is estrangement. I would say it is letting their delusion run *its course which usually outlasts a humans life span.

[@urbanmusicgal9075]

Yes. So sad.

[@J31392]

True. And that is something parents (many) will never admit to understanding. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.

[@ziziroberts8041]

This parent was traumatized by the other parent, and yes, I am certainly willing to admit to being ignorant, immature, inexperienced, emotional, and not at the level of knowledge or consciousness necessary to avoid ending up with ptsd myself. The result of the aftermath has been 15 years of on and off communication and then being totally cut off. I truly understand my daughter's need for space. I just hope that someday before something happens to either one of us, is that I get to admit to, and apologize for my hurtful words and actions, and that I needed the space as much as she did to become myself again, too. I, too, am no longer the same self I was more than a decade and a half ago. Peace, happiness, to all beings everywhere.

[@jesusloveisthegreatestpower]

I agree with you 'kindness rules'

[@Peem_pom]

You’re talking abt a very specific kind of estrangement here

[@Langkowski]

Yes, most people don't have immigrant parents who did everything for them even if they raised them in a way different from the culture they grew up in.

[@superinquisitor]

@@Langkowski well, it was also very fantastical. What immigrant parents can afford to send their kid to Ivy League schools? Also, if the kids are undocumented, getting scholarships is almost impossible. So stupid.

[@SolutionsWithin]

@@Langkowski it was only one example he gave. Not the main point. All normal parents sacrifice for their children and live them immensely.

[@gustavo-zt2wl]

@@Langkowski Tha Latinos.

[@Phoenix-md8sh]

I live with a mental condition and during a time about two years ago when I went off my meds and was heavily self medicating with weed and ecstasy, I got into an argument with my daughter and texted her to go to hell along with some other drug/anger induced unpleasantries after she disagreed with me over objecting to her getting a face tattoo. She ended up blocking me and We haven't communicated since. I regret how I handled myself and am going through therapy to deal with it. I've learned that I have to take care of myself to uphold my relationships with others. To any one else who is going through this I hope your situation improves and that you are blessed and safe.

[@SteveSUX2BU]

To be fair, you were right about objecting to a face tattoo.

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

Steve, no, it isn't right to try and tell an adult what to do with their body. Bodily autonomy is a right. And you're better off with a face full of tattoos than you are being a nasty abuser like the so called parents here. So don't give advice unless you are asked, and leave people alone. Oh wait, there's no one left. LOL

[@boawo]

​@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969why is it right to shut other people up by him or crook instead of building resilience and a thicker skin. If you are an adult you are already free to do as you please, why do you care what your parents think? You are weak that's why. Strong people are confident in their choices and shrug off criticism. weak people need to resort to all sorts of manipulating to shut other people

[@thepanda1044]

I left home at 18. Haven't been back since. Don't have a desire to. My family makes me miserable. I'd rather be away from them

[@Demise09732]

@Sophias Jesus you come across a little aggressive and disruptive don't you think?

[@Jennifer-kh8sf]

You are nothing but selfish. Grow up

[@Chris-cf2kp]

Okay, sure - but that is a minority case which just focuses on a vague notion that the issue is merely because the parents were 'strict.' There are parents who are genuinely abusive to their kids without reason who cause lifelong trauma - through anger, violence, molestation, neglect, and on and on. I experienced it in my own family, along with my sister. Using that single case to dismiss the fact that parents can and do abuse their children is myopic, and lacks the nuance necessary when analyzing this issue. It's a seemingly furtive, verging on crass take, frankly. I'd throw the pen and the bill in your face if you told me I shouldn't estrange myself from the abusive parent in my life - and I'm sure that bill would be a hefty sum too.

[@vintage6346]

I so agree, Chris. Literally "anybody" can say, "Now kiss and make up."

[@deborahbarnes8377]

Most families try their best in situations that are at times taxing. People tend to respond to the emotions but not to the circumstances around pivotal events.

[@kellyeldershomesteadbeginn8242]

I do feel bad for those of you with terrible parents though.

[@JohnnyRugged06]

To say, "it's just morally wrong," at the end, I think is incorrect because it doesn't take into account what behaviors the parents might have been displaying. Just because the parent was devoted in sending their child to a good college, doesn't mean that the parent didn't do damage in other aspects of parenthood. Providing an education is important, but there is a lot more to being a good parent.

[@libbybarrett1268]

Not all, but most parents who are willing to work their fingers to the bone to put their kids through college and make other sacrifices to help their kids in so many other ways are not likely parents who are abusive.

[@JohnnyRugged06]

Depends on how you define the word "abusive," but I would say that a lot of parents that have narcissistic tendencies send their kids to college. Those parents, depending on the degree and type of behavior, should be kept away by their adult kids because it's in the best interests of those adult kids.@@libbybarrett1268

[@AA-iy4gm]

you're not listening...its not all about "college" and there are other types of inadequate parenting that leave a mark on children such as emotional neglect, parentification, enmeshment, codependency etc

[@JohnnyRugged06]

@@AA-iy4gm Exactly. I know of some horrible parents that have sent their kids to college. Some parents that are extremely narcissistic come to mind.

[@myrahouse2368]

I raised my son alone but now as an adult my son just wanted to impress his Dad whom didn’t care less about him. I’m done with my grown child he’s no loving son he just hurts me way to much… I can’t keep forgiving. I just want regular living respect nothing special.

[@S.C.MacInnes]

When you love more you get rejected more.

[@AA-iy4gm]

newsflash lady, kids need and want a dad, whatever you and the father of your child decided back then - that is an issue between you two only, nothing to do with your son, your son sadly had grow up in a broken home of divorced parents and all you can think of is how it affected you? Wow

[@kierenmoore3236]

If his Dad doesn’t care about his son, then it sounds like he didn’t consent to being a father … ?!

[@matthewpitre8159]

OK so for people who have disconnected whether is no abuse in the family why either from parent teacher child or vice versa Then I can understand why parents would be so upset because imagine you put everything into this child you literally grow them inside you your body Changes it never goes back to the same some parents have given up their education their jobs their social life even relationships to raise their kids and for their kids to grow up and go OK thank you and just cut and run it feels like a stab in the back to be honest it's never happened to me but that's how I would receive it Also it's smart and these Times financially or emotionally to just cut ties with your parents as long as they are not abusive It is smarter to try to build what you can with your family because nobody is gonna help you as much as they do You can help each other survive and it is tough times out here

[@13TheFurry]

I can understand this point of view, but there is a lot more nuance to these situations. Situations like this don't start by peer to peer suggestion, it's often a lifetime of verbal/physical abuse that the child (or sometimes parent) had no legal recourse/emotional resources to stop. Sometimes estrangement is necessary for one or both parties to live a healthy life. Even if these hypothetical parents gave their child everything, that ignores the fact that they put their child through something traumatizing enough to make that child feel like life is better without them. It's also very possible that they were given countless chances to establish healthy boundaries, but one or both parties didn't find a way to reach an understanding.

[@ddhqj2023]

And what do you say when there's no abuse by parents, when there is support and encouragement from the parents to the child (at all ages)?

[@Chris-cf2kp]

@@ddhqj2023 It is ultimately their choice. Also, their side of the story and their reasoning is equally needed in your presented narrative - not yours alone.

[@dreamgirltrucking1889]

Yes, they do start by peer to peer suggestion. Open your eyes. Start with this video. There are parents I know who had to serve their daughter with Cease & Decist papers because she lied about them keeping her in a wheelchair for years as a child. In court, they produced pictures throughout the years of her participating in sports. She lost in court but until then, she was making money through her social media sites by playing the victim.

[@dreamgirltrucking1889]

@Timb, I can vote many, many more instances. However, as an adult, I have a life outside of social media and prefer not to. Perhaps you'd care to seek the facts on your own????

[@S.C.MacInnes]

I pushed two adult children away because of their manners. I brought them up in love and respect. I never intentionally belittled any of them. On the contrary, I worked hard on raising their self-esteem and opening them up to spirituality and tried to equip them to be mentally strong. They went to Uni and became financially independent. Since then things have gone downhill. They scrutinised and criticised every single bit of their upbringing down to the colour of their dress or the way their hair was combed, which I find a bit ridiculous. I brought them up to resist consumerism and shallow-mindedness and equipped them with a solid education and varied extracurricular activities with weekly fun trips and eating-outs, etc. But they were swayed by the environment and turned out shallow and consumerists. They now think it's fine to swear, yell and undermine me for stupid stuff. I think that's the epiphany of narcism. Thank goodness they are adults and independent now. Good ridden! I'll save my time and energy to work on myself:, my mental and physical health so that I stay strong and useful in society. My first duty is towards myself and the common good.

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

I hear where this psychologist is coming from and find their points interesting. However, I think part of the problem is we all have different views. I don’t believe that children owe parents for doing their job of raising them especially as the parent chose to bring them into this world, but in many cultures people do. While I understand he is trying to empathise with the parents he has a biased view on adult children especially as there are many parents that will never set foot into therapy. While he may think certain actions are morally wrong that’s not the role of a psychologist who is meant to use scientific research to inform them. I wish he’d focus more on research or data around the outcome of these children, why they decide to be estranged vs parents reasons and the outcomes. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and has the lowest requirements of any role - even working in fast has standards. It’s not surprising many people are bad at parenting and many likely don’t enjoy it, there is no acknowledgement of this in society. Yet it is evident by the children in foster-care and many parents the enact childhood trauma on their kids. I don’t think I would be a good parent and don’t feel comfortable bringing my child into such a difficult life which is a gamble. Sadly, parenthood is pushed onto everyone with only the best outcomes being discussed and it’s taboo to acknowledge being a bad parent or not enjoying parenthood. I have lots of empathy for parents of estranged children but I don’t want to invalidate the adult children and understand they need to find a way to manage their lives. Stay safe. Good day.

[@lisamichael2882]

The tone of your remark is sensitive. The weird part is that many parents who are actually abusive are treated wonderfully by their children, who pursue them for attention throughout their adult lives. There are many foster children who run away BACK to their abusive parents. On the other hand there are also very reasonable to excellent parents who are treated in a horrible manner by their adult children - including estrangement and elder abuse. My mother worked in a school for children with parents in jail/prison for very serious crimes. She remarked several times on how kind the children were to their parents, and how eager they were to see them. So.. parents definitely don't get what they "deserve" from their adult children, in any systematic way - some get much more than they deserve, and some much much less. In my personal experience, the way parents get treated by their adult children is highly driven by the mental health of those adult children.

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

@@lisamichael2882 Look parents don’t deserve anything because it’s their responsibility to parent due to having children being a choice. If you go into parenting in this day an age thinking you are owed something or deserve a certain outcome you are setting yourself up for huge disappointment. It’s important to question the drivers behind someone’s mental health as we know abuse/neglect/trauma can result in higher rates of depression, anxiety, insecure attachment styles and concentration problems to name a few. Everyone deals with life and their personal problems differently which is their prerogative.

[@mshomefire]

@@Coastpsych_fi99 there is no such thing as perfect parenting. A relationship between the parents personality and communication style could simply clash with their child's personality and communication style. This is more true when parents respect a child's autonomy within health family and social boundaries of do no harm and exercise loving kindness to one another. Ones the child becomes an adult they can decide you know what I never got on with or like my parents personality. So I'm going to keep contact to a minimum. For some adult children it could mean a call at Christmas or mother's day. Culture clashes or change socio-economic status sexual identity or religion can affect that. When I think how parents loose their adult children to religious cults it's similar to the social engineering which has been occurring through the educational system driving a wedge between parents and children. I make this observation from a grounded theory perspective as I'm privileged to be in a position to work many children and young adult children.

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

@@mshomefire Of course parenting isn’t perfect. So much luck involved with it all. I wish more people would consider whether parenting was a good fit and society was more accepting of childfree. Parenting really should be viewed as a calling and the down sides should be considered. I have minimal contact with one parent because they barely bothered to raise, listen, help or improve my life. I can’t understand why they had kids when clearly parenting and being around people is to difficult for them.

[@rabbitears8665]

Pretty much all the comments I read from the children who remove their parents from their lives feel they didn’t get ‘what they so richly deserved because their parents brought them into the world and owed them EVERYTHING.’ Every complaint (almost all) they have against their parents ‘parenting skills’, is the reason they are poor helpless victims and they have their problems because their parents did or didn’t blah, blah, blah. We all come from our own frame of reference, the experiences we had growing up, our relationship with our own parents that make us who we are as adults. As a parent, your children don’t usually give a crap what kind of childhood you had, the way your parents were treated by your grandparents and certainly don’t ponder I’d your ‘parenting skills’ were influenced by your childhood. I know my children couldn’t care less about my hard, abusive childhood. It did affect the way I parented. It made me want to make life easier for my own children, make them feel safe, give them hope for the future and let them know they had parents who cared about how life turned out for them. All I did, it seems to me now, by parenting my children in the way I did was create entitled brats. My son is over 50, we don’t speak. My daughter is close to 50, we barely speak. Was I involved in their lives when they were children to the point that I monitored who they were friends with, where they went, what they were doing. You bet I was. Did I punish them when they disobeyed? We’re they put on restriction for sneaking around and misbehaving? Were they given spankings as young children? Yes to all. They were raised in the 70’s and 80’s. Spanking, one or two licks with your hand on their butts, was not considered abuse then. I’ve been told by them that I was too strict, too involved, too opinionated about their friends, activities, where they were. All my children do is look for a way to be a victim for the stupid mistakes they made once they got out of our house (in college and after) that now affects their lives negatively. They are bitter about their situations (one is a teacher at a private school, married with 3 children and the other is divorced, the director of a non profit and no children). My son and his wife have 3 children, both are teachers at a private school, have small salaries and barely make it financially. Thier children would suffer greatly is my husband and I didn’t do a lot for them. My daughter, at almost 50, finally has a good job, makes a good salary but is bitter because she ran her only husband off and now has no one that wants to love her and make a life with her because she is impossible to be around. Oh she gets many dates that turn into a nice relationships and that on the surface look like they might go somewhere but eventually the real ‘her’ comes out and the person bolts. Both of them arrived at this point in their lives after a series of dumb choices, bad decisions and selfishness. At 50, they have just now just gotten to a point of settling down in life, being dedicated to a job and stopping the Willy nilly decision making. The bitterness, I think, comes from seeing people they went to school with and others they know that are the same age who buckled down years ago and are way ahead of them financially. I won’t go into the mistakes and dumb choices they made in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s because it does no good to look backwards. All I know for sure is I am the reason that during the childhood and teenage years of living in my home, things went sour for them and when they got out on their own it’s my fault they made stupid decisions. They don’t say this, but from their actions, I know I’m clearly the scapegoat. Because they are my children and I do love them, they have the ability to hurt me to the quick when I am shunned, blamed and ostracized. After years of being made to feel this way, the only answer for me is to avoid them as much as possible, only give simple favorable answers if they ask a question, keep any conversation short with no sharing of personal information or opinions, certainly wait for them to call me and don’t call them EVER. I’m 70 and I have no choice but to make peace with the way things are. Not only make peace but embrace the situation and move on.

[@meowmom3296]

I was estranged from my mom and now my children have cut me off. I take responsibility and feel like it's payback.

[@Slacker4Life3]

why are ur children estranged

[@rupertbollywood1190]

@@Slacker4Life3 It's because she repeated the same bad behaviour as her mother, and her kids are now pissed off with her.

[@S.C.MacInnes]

Sorry, did your children cutting you off make you change your perspective about your mother? My mother did many harmful things against me. But it never occurred to me to cut her off. I lived far from her, but not with the intention to cut her off. I loved her and missed her when I was away. We argued when we were together but that was life. Then she passed and thank goodness I never had to confront her with what she did against me or explain to her its impact. It would have been too hurtful for both of us to go through that.

[@ProudMamaBrewerPhone]

@@S.C.MacInnes You are a mature and loving person who thinks of the feelings of others. too many adult children are not like you. They blow up every minor thing and play the victim. Your mother was lucky to have such an understanding person as their daughter.

[@wendycurrie7695]

@@ProudMamaBrewerPhonem

[@inkstain7193]

It makes me sad when I feel like a failed parent and can’t take it back now that he is an adult. I didn’t give him his dreams. I was immature. We text and go out to dinner every few months. I just miss him a bunch.

[@S.C.MacInnes]

A parent is not the wizard of Oz nor should he be Alladin Jinny. The job of a parent is to cultivate, teach right from wrong, and nourish the child's body and soul. But we shouldn't expect that our endeavours will always bring about a good harvest. The children aren't exactly what we plant. In reality, they are the products of so many other factors.

[@AA-iy4gm]

A parent is the biggest influence on the child as it should be, but too many parents rely on other things to raise their kids like daycare, school, TV, ipad, internet et cetera and then they wonder how come they aren't close with kids. At least the original comment admits to where they dropped the ball but you with your reply, sounds like its easier to put the responsibility on anyone else but yourself

[@IndigoHazelnut]

A set of parents may well have provided materially for a child.. And that's wonderful but also their duty as parents. It still does not excuse or justify bad behaviour from parents.

[@S.C.MacInnes]

Parents don't have a 'duty'! That's the rubbish that schools are teaching these days. Parents do what they can and/or want to do. If you start to talk about duty then it has to be both ways. Children also have the duty of care towards their family members (be it parents or younger siblings) and the extended family. The only duty anyone has towards anyone else is to provide basic nourishment and clothes if they can afford it. The other duty is to provide safety and security and not to cause anyone else trauma or abuse. That's a general rule that applies to everyone who lives with anyone else, be it their child, a spouse, a girlfriend/boyfriend, a flatmate, etc. Anything else above what was stated is a privilege the parents are bestowing on their children according to their own discretion.

[@FreeSpirit47]

When families voluntarily drift apart after being so close for so long, it's sad. Many of the parents and the adult children often don't know what to do about it. They each fear making the relationship worse or having their efforts rejected. It's often hard for a parent to understand if they were loving & kind to their children. It's also often hard for an adult child to know what to do if they wish to rekindle the loving relationship with their parents. There are no easy answers, every relationship is different.

[@tracyheaslip8754]

This is very true. If a parent has sexually abused you if a parent has beaten you I call you children to confront them you if you want while they're alive, may get your apology. You may not but you know how to go from there and you're the ones that know what was done to you. I wish all the adults children that estranged their parents but they become the perfect person they wanted as a parent. I believe all of us are trying to do the best we can do with what we have and don't have.

[@kimMadden]

I have an estranged daughter. We all got on great. Were we perfect - no, did we make mistakes - of course, but she was never abused or neglected. She use to write letters in cards how much she loved us, appreciated us, just lovely stuff. You know Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day. Into her late 20s she did this, Then marriage and a baby later, arguments started, drama, disrespect and now her whole life with us was unhappy she was mistreated and she wants nothing to do with us. She just pretended to be happy

[@jennypurchase3229]

I really feel for you. My son - EXACTLY the same. He left his partner of 15 years and all of this started to happen. No contact for 2.5 years. It's just so horrible...HORRIBLE!!!

[@JohnnyRugged06]

Kim, if everything was fine between you and your daughter until she got married and had a baby then my guess is that you aren't respecting her boundaries. Your daughter, her husband, and their child constitute an inner circle that you are not a part of. You need to respect that, show that you understand that, and behave happily outside of that circle. If you pretend that circle doesn't exist, or that you're a part of it, you can't get along with your daughter.

[@ostentatiousbeats]

I believe her. A child doesn't have a reference for what's "normal" and as a child, you don't have a choice but to go along with what the adult wants because they have the power and you rely on them. The dynamic shifts when they 1. Stop needing things from you 2. Stop feeling like they owe you something, esp bc oftentimes, you're getting a lot out of the child. Children are more than just a parent's "greatest joy"; they're their own people

[@bchristian85]

Previous generation parents didn't helicopter like this generation either. They also had the freedom of not having social media or texting. If people wanted to call their parents and they didn't live in the same town, it was a long distance phone call. They could achieve independence without estrangement. This generation can't. I think helicoptering should be taken into account when discussing why it's more common in this generation for estrangement than previous ones.

[@sunnyday7843]

You’re right about the pace of life and how we used to live ! We also used post cards and letters mainly due to cost of long distance calls and many in our family did live in faraway places . We seemed to all gravitate to my parents home . My mother still had so many phases with the 8 kids - I don’t know how she handled it other than God - my dad - reading - and she’d play a sport with her sport buddies or go golf alone to deal with the stress of all the various stages . She would notice family members of her cousins and others in Ireland where she was from - and England where she also grew up - she felt that being faraway kind of had an advantage as some weren’t on speaking terms in those families - but she was able to stay connected to all the various people . She would always tell us “ life is too short “ to hold grudges - it seems that these days also there’s a big trend to buck the 10 commandments . So there’s that too. Just for the heck of it .

[@giniaa2707]

Thank goodness for your videos, Dr. Coleman, as it seems almost no one is addressing this huge issue.

[@exuberant8385]

I told my children they don't owe me anything and I don't them anything. I've come to not expect anything from them. I know they won't take care of me and I'll be in a nursing home. I'm OK with it. I still grieve and miss them. Probably always will.

[@JohnnyRugged06]

You told them that you don't owe them anything? I don't agree with that. The parent should always be giving.

[@zzzbbbooo]

@@JohnnyRugged06 The parent should NOT always be giving when the child is well and truly an adult and gives nothing back. Such a situation cannot continue.

[@daniellefournier978]

​@@JohnnyRugged06For adult children? Not at all....

[@carlososcarcomedy]

If one’s parents want what’s worst for us. One has to cut ties. Life moves to fast, I’d rather live it, than slow down to drink poison.

[@Trixiesongzxoxo]

"Id rather live it than slow down to drink poison" AMEN BROTHER 🥂

[@JEBBY123IFY]

My son did it because he is an alcoholic depressed his whole life because of his dad's abandonment, the others wife is a controlling angry person and they don't want to sacrifice anything to help me as I'm very sick...it's a sick twisted world! They can't resolve conflict or communicate, only slander me and banish me...I wish I was healthy I'd move away...it's broken me. Even used grandchild as a weapon...that's just evil

[@junechoi7595]

A lot of parents who are disconnected from their adult children often neglected their children when they were young. Children remember the time when they just got dumped with someone or somewhere so the parents can go on vacations, do their own things and etc. I think most of the cases are the payback.

[@lisamichael2882]

Actually, it doesn't appear to work this way at all - based on the hundreds of people I know. Lots of people who were treated poorly as children seek out their parents for the rest of their lives, and plenty of children who were treated quite well estrange themselves from their parents. Sometimes there's alignment - that is, someone who was treated poorly as a child estranges themselves from their parent, but not usually. The #1 thing that appears to predict whether or not an adult child will estrange themselves from their parent is the mental health of the adult child. Specifically, whether or not the adult child has a personality disorder. If you know enough situations where there is parent/child estrangement, you will find that this is shockingly true. Shockingly.

[@sn8597]

That is such a naive comment. I know of dedicated immigrant parents who worked off their ass to give the best to their child .. while also taking care of their own extended family and parents and as soon as the kid could leave home for college the parents were marked as intolerable and cut off with all the Mumbo jumbo about healthy boundary etc. for immigrant parents who themselves live the notion of family over self this is extremely hard to wrap their brain around. Certainly these kids are more into the western ideology of individual appeasement and see their parents way of living as burdensome.

[@tinab3627]

Are you kidding me? I did everything and more for my children. They had a wonderful happy childhood. This all started when I left their father. They don't know anything about why Because it's too disgusting for even adults

[@donaldcrosby1815]

Do not agree , there might some circumstances but in my case tjis is not true.

[@britneyology1]

A lot of adult children jumped into relationships with clingy insecure narcissists who treat them like a cult leader in order to maintain control over their partner. Cutting off family is the first thing someone who wants to brainwash you and control you does. It's not that complicated and certainly becoming a epidemic as the narcissistic psychopaths increase in numbers. They'll figure it out one day, if they live through it. Too many people are losing their lives from these types of realtionships either by death of their mind or just death. People should start looking at the statistics of narcissistic relationships before more Gabby Petitos or the gal last week who was beheaded in broad daylight becomes the norm. Everyday someone loses their life because they got involved with a demonic person who presents themselves as their soul mate within weeks of meeting them, and there is nothing the parent can do once that soul tie has been developed.

[@william6057]

My mother refused to treat me like a human being so treated her like she didn't exist.

[@farmlife5731]

i clicked on this videa because i don't know how to deal with the continuous rejection of my parents. I'm 37 and married with 4 children of my own. my parents have no interest in my family or my life at all. my dad has point blank told me that I'm not one of them anymore because i got married and changed my last name. "I'm not his problem anymore" is what i hear all the time and "I'm not one of them". my mother gets irate and calls me all kinds of names when i try to talk to her. they adore my brother's and their families. i have 3 brothers and I'm the only girl. they say how wonderful my brother's wife is all the time and showet her with praise the saying how they wish she was always a part of their lives. then literally turn to me and reject me as eaven being a part of the family at all. it's SO painful!!!!! i would really like to know why they would behave this way and i would also like some advice on how to handle this. i don't want to become bitter tword them or my brother's and their families. but i feel so unloved and like an outcast.

[@bellaluce7088]

@farmlife5731 Big hugs to you. ❤I've experienced similar and it hurts so much! In case you haven't found it yet, I highly recommend Patrick Teahan's channel for helping to understand and heal from the kind of family dynamics you describe. Picking favorites and scapegoats is something often seen in families where a parent has narcissistic traits so you might also find Doctor Ramani's channel helpful. I'm so grateful to her and Patrick and other therapists posting content about this. (If you'd like more recommendations I have a list. ; - ) Doing the work to learn about this stuff is time consuming and brings up a lot of hard emotions, but I can honestly say it's turbo-charged my healing and helped me feel more at peace and happy then I ever could have imagined as a child. Wishing you the best! 💖💖

[@AA-iy4gm]

Two things: 1. Inadequate parenting also consists of things like emotional neglect, parentification, enmeshment, codependency and similar 2. There are a lot of toxic significant others that subtly undermine and smear your image to the child, that you don't even know about. Look into all possible reasons before misunderstanding your child and be willing to own up to your part in it as well. Parents' love is supposed to be unconditional and not some security check for when they turn 18 and need to pay back or owe something. Your idea of good parenting, like sending them off to a good college, doesn't work well for all kids. The relationship you have or had with your significant other leaves an impact on your children and that's not on the child, that's on the two of you. Let's not pretend that juggling a career, wanting more me time, going out with friends, being stuck on the phone isn't what parents commonly do - it is and that also impacts a child.

[@S.C.MacInnes]

It's really ashame that subtitles were not enabled for some reason!!!

[@paragonllc]

I have 4 adult children two that did the estrangement and 2 that continued to be in a family bond then after I hit a lottery and suddenly out of nowhere they wanted to rejoin the family ,I really miss them I hope they both find the best that life has to offer

[@M.Sid9.3]

It would be better for them to bring in mediation. instead of estrangement. Unless there has been serious cycles of abuse.

[@mshomefire]

parents they stop being responsible when a child turns 18 in most modern western country's. In some societies the family members have to live as an extended family to strive or survive its natural. Making responsibility to parent, sibling grandparents or even other relatives a given for adult children. Marriage is another contributing factor to estrangement. If an adult child marrys into a different culture to their own family that can frequently wedge between parent and adult child. As can domestic abuse or Marriage to a narcissistic partner. I'm saying there are systemic factor and variables. I imagine this adds to the challenge of revolution.

[@melanier7309]

*countries not country's

[@pameladavis8087]

Why is the onus completely on the parent?? I was raised by a very abusive Mother and I respected her and my father's sacrifices and care and lessons even so. At least enough to bring my children around them so they could know them. I admit I do not pursue my son in the same way, as I don't want to interfere or step on my DIL's toes, she runs the show. Besides, it became tedious adhering to trying to hit that hour or two window that may or may not have been convenient for me that she had authorized as acceptable. My parent's had more of an open door policy as she actually does have with her own parents. We are definitely second string. Have tried discussing it with my son and he's made it pretty clear I should be the one pursuing the relationship and take whatever I get. What ever became of the 5th Commandment?

[@sonshinetres4541]

Many of us especially the mothers of sons are in the same boat. We are lucky to be treated as second class citizens and we have no right to feel slighted or cheated being on the outside looking in at what we so desperately want and deserve as much as any other grandparent or parent but will never have. There are a lot of young women out there who couldnt care less whether they are hurting people or not. We are just an annoying inconvenience to them and they dont try to hide that fact.

[@eleftheriaithanatos1162]

"I was raised by a very abusive Mother and I respected her and my father's sacrifices and care and lessons even so." Stockholm Syndrome. I have never had real respect for my parents, but rather fear of them, because of all the physical abuse I endured on their hands. We kind of cut off, and I have no qualms to say that I wish them the worst. They knew the right things to do in order for me to respect them, they were adults when I was born. "What ever became of the 5th Commandment?" Most of us have a bible in case we run out of toilet paper. That's the only use this stupid book has in 2023. Nobody gives a damn about it anymore.

[@paraconsistentjojo]

@@eleftheriaithanatos1162👏

[@carmendevine7244]

This man has so much contempt for children who cut out parents. The idea that there is only upside for the adult children is false, the estranged parents had their reward when they lorded over their children.

[@dot-to-dot]

What if the parents didn't lord over their children?

[@annahernandez332]

Sounds like it is too personal for him. Boomers have it in for those who have expanded their ways of thinking. Regarding children of immigrants as I am. Your damn right I feel no remorse. What did our parents expect going from one culture to another. I do not have to cowtow to their abusive demands or expectations. My thoughts are not reliant on contemporary culture. Some cases it is just best to walk away. So be it,

[@eleftheriaithanatos1162]

@@sophiasjesus7333 "because most parents want what is best for their offspring who carry parts of their DNA" Most? Maybe. All? Certainly not!

[@heystarfish100]

These children didn’t just estrange themselves from their parents but their siblings, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. These kids are mentally defective and cannot cope with adulthood. Their peers become more important and social media has completely fed the problem dramatically. American society has greatly changed with all of the Marxist movements and propaganda aimed toward young people to divide them from their families.These progressive liberals have done their best to destroy this nation and our families for the sake of destroying capitalism, Christianity, the nuclear family and the United States as a moral authority. I hope there is a very special place in hell for every last stinking one of them. Responsible parents and the people need to take back the power from these cultists in education, the media and not trust their churches. It is not the religious belief but some of the people deeply involved in religious services in church have become zealots who believe they are superior to you. The University’s in this nation have all been corrupted with liberal logic that is blaming our kids for America’s successes and teaching our kids to hate ourselves and be super critical about anyone without similar beliefs. I have witnessed this happen way too many times and just look at our society today and ask yourself who has brought this country to this utter madness we are seeing in public and why are we being forced to accept this terrible behavior that is often a sickness.

[@dillchives]

These parents spent many years making sure their children could never disagree or tell them "no", and it completely rocks their world when they realize those "children" are now actual, independent adults who can respond in ways that can no longer be controlled or punished. It does let the parents pretend to be poor victims though, which they also love (just not as much as they loved dominating their kids).

[@Dina-ng9gf]

As an estranged parent, the way I found peace is through my belief in G-D. He has told me that my grown children are not mine and I don’t need to worry about them anymore. He showed my the beauty of life and opened many doors that I didn’t think were possible for me… I enjoy other people’s children, and nieces nephews’s children who are eager that I’ll be part of their lives. I learned that this was an enormous opportunity for growth. I’m filled with gratitude.

[@JohnnyRugged06]

God isn't real.

[@MeMe-cz6pk]

The end of the video, 3:30 and on is spot on. My parents were immigrants. I do not agree with or condone some their parenting practises. I did become estranged from them, for a 6 month period, for that very reason. However, there came a point in my life when I became mature enough and became a parent to put myself in their shoes. I'd come to the realisation that they simply did the best they could with what they had. Sometimes it may not have been right, but they tried. We were always very close to our son. Hes very smart. Hes got a nice heart. Hes a very likable young man. And we're very proud of him and love him to bits. And we've told him so. We paid for his full education. He has a professional designation. Hes got a great career and zero student debt. (Clearly we've done okay for ourselves through hard work and could afford to help him.) The gift of a paid education. He met a woman off a dating site. She was an unemployed dog walker. She knew exactly what she had in him. A gravy train. He married her. She treats her mother like dirt. Her father taught her well. ( Her mothers a lovely lady. Her father is an @ssh0le) She treats us even worse. She referred to us as a family of second graders. And yet our son was okay for her. Go figure. I saw the red flags and asked our son about it. He said she was just insecure. Her parents went on their honeymoon with them. What normal people do that? My son has taken on her traits. I think she gave him an ultimatum. Her or us. Hes now disrespectful. He wants a relation with us on his terms or none at all, apparently. Because he accepts her boorish behavior, he thinks we should too. The drama was racheted up through texts. They wouldnt see us face to face. Our son told us he wouldnt want us around any kids they might have ( and still dont) He, with her, moved away. He buries himself in his work. He called us, occasionally, when she wasnt around. Sneaking. Now hes stopped calling at all. Shes filled his head with garbage. Apparently now we're rotten parents. We love him and always will. But hes a grown man who we dont even recognise anymore.

[@JohnnyRugged06]

You need to respect his boundaries and stop trying to get your way.

[@camduran3352]

As a parent I think I can understand why children do this but I think it’s pretty raunchy when the parents are never told why (it’s a secret and they won’t tell anyone). This is what two of my kids did 10 years ago. I’m sure people will say, “you know what you did.” But no, I absolutely do not know, nor does my wife or the other kids have any clue either. It could be a few things as I’m not perfect but it feels like it’s either a misunderstanding or it’s purely vengeful. (Or both.) Whatever the case, there is virtually nothing I could have done to deserve it. Nothing. It’s evil.

[@judy2906]

Some kids have narcissistic partners that wants to alienate them from their family their mother they believe it’s love and I cut you off for nothing it’s heartbreaking I know he doesn’t owe me anything but I’m scared somethings going to happen to him and I miss him we were very close I cried every night

[@Trixiesongzxoxo]

Sir trust me you know what you did... Either be a man and own up or just keep their names out your mouth and let them live their best life obviously something was missing when you were parenting them you should be happy for them instead of constantly gaslightting them....

[@lisamichael2882]

@@Trixiesongzxoxo Putting it this way....every difficult, problematic parent was once someone's difficult, problematic child. These attributes don't show up in adulthood. Think you had a horrible parent? They were your grandparents' horrible child. That child was probably very very difficult for your grandparents to deal with. There is no reason whatsoever that a child's view of their upbringing should be taken more (or less) seriously than the parent's view.

[@SacredMagic13679]

Did they never tell you what you did, or do you not respect them enough to acknowledge the reasons they gave you?

[@charliejuice3098]

Haha this comment chain is hilarious

[@78.BANDIT]

As I told my parents. I didn't ask to be born. You chose to have me. I owe you nothing. Your my parents I RESPECT you. But you have to also RESPECT ME. If you don't then bye.

[@kevinsmith5318]

It is “you’re my parents..” not “your my parents.” Clearly an example of your parent’s abuse and neglect by not teaching you grammar. Ah yes, imperfect. Are not we all.

[@78.BANDIT]

@Sophias Jesus Im not saying I will not see my parents. I am say I will NOT be treated as a CHILD by them. Your Children are different throw out their life. You have to change with them. I didn't rase my parents. You allow alot of thing's from your child. But once they are adults and live on their own. Yes they ars still your child. But now the relationship has become one of mutual understanding and respect. And you as the parent have to be the one to start. Yes still be there for them. But you don't talk to them the same as you would if they where still a kid.

[@78.BANDIT]

@Sophias Jesus All depends on how you look at it.

[@sn8597]

Omg. What childish talk! How old are you? respect can be earned with patience and love. Running away is what cowards do. Which seems to be this whole blame your parents movement is about. Don’t take responsibility for own actions. Every once in a while asking after the parents .. doing something for them once in a while .. as you grow into an adult try that. Too many adult children just expect one sided taking from parents and then also expect to get respect!

[@SolutionsWithin]

@@sn8597 if the parent of estranged adult children won the lottery, you can bet your bottom dollar this kids would be back in a FLASH!!

[@Humanaut.]

Wait, "emotional incest and narcissism" was considered good parenting in prior generations? (0:30) No wonder we're in this mess then....

[@ostentatiousbeats]

Parents lean on the leverage they have by children physically and emotionally depend on them and when they don't anymore, theyre surprised that the dynamic shifts 😅 "Everything was great!" for you maybe

[@justsayin8893]

My so married what turned out to be a malignant narcissist, she has destroyed our family and isolated my son, I do not even recognize him anymore he is so bewitched. My only comfort in all of this is that this woman has done the same to others.

[@mcawesomest1]

If your adult children only call or see you 2 or 3 times a year and you live In the same state then you know you were a 💩 parent. If your kids want a relationship with you when they become adults then you know that you did an ok or good job There was no Ivy League for me.. heck there was no school lunch, got beat because she had a bad day, stubbed her toe or I grew out of my new shoes too fast. Meanwhile my father used us as his personal shield. Used a 3 and 5 year old as a human shield so he didn’t have to deal with her. A real coward. He knew she was beating on us, calling us Fking idiots, fat, ugly, telling us know one would ever want us, working us like little maids and then beating us when the baseboards or grout wasn’t scrubbed good enough. I see them 2-3 times a year for about 4 hours in total. Thats about all I can handle. In my mind and the minds of my friends who witnesses some of the inhuman behavior they are surprised I even speak to either of them. And guess what? My parents tell everyone how amazing they were and that they gave us everything. 😂😂😂. What they gave me is CPTSD, a massive therapy bill and some full blown Vietnam panic attacks when the radio plays 80s songs- my mom would always have the radio on and so beatings always had a soundtrack.

[@rabbitears8665]

The 5th of the 10 Commandments is "honor your mother and father" and is the only one that gives a reason for the commandment: 'that your days may be long in the land and that God is giving to you.' I have struggled for years with my relationship with my son and his wife. My son was never an easy child and had all kinds of quirks but nothing that screamed out loud. Some selfishness was apparent, a little on the lazy side, always the victim but a brilliant student who did well in school and college. My husband and I were not wealthy but worked hard to give our children things we didn't have - a paid for college education and pretty much all the things they wanted and certainly all the things they needed. Were there arguments and ups and downs? Of course. Show me a family who doesn't suffer those things. When my son married his wife, I treated her just as I treated my daughter and loved her very much. They had marital issues at first which should have raised red flags but didn't. They lived away from us so most things we didn't know. When they moved back to our home town with 3 children, the issues became too big to ignore. My mistake was thinking I could fix their problems by doing their job. Taking care of the children (so maybe they would clean up their filthy house), cooking meal after meal so maybe my daughter in law would stop napping and be a mother and homemaker. Paying a lot of their bills, buying the kid's clothes, buying groceries, buying clothes for them, etc, etc, etc. My husband was complicit also. He worked around their house, doing repairs, hoping to make things better. I think we both thought we could give them a reason to want to live a normal life. They are both strange people, don't talk, even to each other. When my oldest granddaughter was diagnosed with a life threatening disease, things hit the fan. I had not been allowed in their house for several years - as no one else was - because of the filth. But on the day they flew my granddaughter to a major hospital, my son gave me the key and asked me to clean the house because he would be ashamed for anyone to come to see his daughter and see the way they lived. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. I felt guilty that I had allowed my grandchildren to live in such filth. I knew things weren't right but it's easy to fool yourself when you want things to be ok. Anyway, I cleaned up the mess and my granddaughter came home and has been able to control her disease with treatment. We had many arguments during her recovery over the way they lived and the things they did and didn't do. Finally it came down to my son losing his job at a local private Christian school for telling his high school students that he wasn't sure homosexuality was a sin. Well, we can all argue over that one but when you work at a private Christian school and your salary comes from parents who are trying to escape the culture war, you just don't say such things to students. I often wondered if his and his wife's desire was to self destruct. She is, as is her mother and father, what I would describe as a grifter. She has a knack for wheedling things out of people, especially me. Because of losing his job and many people in town knowing why, they moved 4 hours away. It almost killed me to see my grandchildren taken away. I've not seen nor spoken to my son or his wife for 4 years. His wife had come home to visit her parents on Thanksgiving a few months after they moved and used my house as way station to sleep, clean up and me to watch the kids. She went back home after guilting me into buying the kid's winter clothes before she left. I was furious. My son and I ended up in an awful argument when he called to say they would not be coming home for Christmas. At that point, I had it. I sent his and his wife's gifts back and told him if he wanted the grandchildren to have theirs he would find a way for my husband and I to see them at Christmas. She brought the kids and dropped them off at our house and went to her parents. Of course, they wanted the children to have their gifts. What we got them was their Christmas. I have lived with this for 4 years now, after years of trying to understand why they act like they do, why they are so lazy, why they half way raised their kids, why they slept all the time. I know they hate me because I was the only parent who called them out on their stupidity. My husband just closed his eyes to the weirdness and her parents didn't want their daughter and the grandchildren to end up in their house if the marriage crumbled. I don't have any answers. I am grateful my grandchildren are 21, 18 and 14. They can soon get out of the dysfunction. We don't talk about their parents, I know they love them but they have to know how weird they are. I shudder to think how they have lived the past 4 years.

[@sonshinetres4541]

Your mistake was calling them out. They are adults and don't need or want lectures from their parents. Well maybe they do but really they don't. I could see how they wouldnt want that negativity around. Im sorry if that sounds harsh but honestly you brought a lot of it upon yourself. God bless you for all you did for them and their children and i hope some day they find a way to appreciate all you did for them and become more productive human beings but it doesn't sound likely at this point. One thing i learned along time ago is not to give ultinatums or draw a line in the sand in an attempt to get adult children to change or whatever. The immediate response is not to suddenly think hey you're right its to rebel and retreat. They have that control now.

[@drew7537]

Incredibly naive and insulting to suggest most adult children would choose estrangement as anything other than a last resort.

[@lisamichael2882]

Equally naive to imply that adult children are morally superior to their parents, and that a choice of estrangement on the adult child's part is always a "last resort"- meaning the parent did something unforgiveable. There is no moral superiority of children over their parents. Plenty of people have personality disorders which make them feel very little empathy towards other people.... and they are all somebody's child. Those parents get treated horribly by their children, quite often. If you don't "believe" that, then you aren't following current neuroscience research.

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

Hey Andrew, even the cell phone my son texted me on to inform me he was cutting off contact with me was an extra of mine that he helped himself to. Last resort? Horseshit. Oh and the last time I saw him in person was when he had a friend over to our house for football and I cooked them a steak dinner. Last resort? Horseshit.

[@timothythompson7750]

Society got to involved in the family life that's why.

[@mshomefire]

I agree. Societies should only get involved with extreme cases of abuse where support to resolve the situation fail.

[@MsMookalate]

As a parent and raised by a immigrant parent I get both talking points. Hence why it's a battle raising my own. I'm battling the entitlement of parents doing what their suppose to do vs children thinking their entitled to everything. Both sides have no boundaries. So my solution was to cut off parents and teach my children respecting boundaries for themselves and others.

[@juliepalmer3126]

I see in this comment section many people putting blame on the parent. Just not true in many situations. The adult children today have grown up being spoiled and almost conditioned to think the only thing important and worthwhile is themselves and their wants and needs. As a parent with a child like this - = complete 💔

[@theblueclue3843]

you realize your child is the way they are because of how you raise them right?

[@juliepalmer3126]

@@theblueclue3843 Wasn't t like that as a child. Was raised to be considerate of others, value family and value honesty and integrity. It was their decision to be selfish. Adults, believe it or not, actually have a choice for how they live their adult lives.

[@jenniferthibodeaux8565]

Estrangement seems to have become a fad. I understand boundaries, I was abused as a child and worked very hard to raise my children in an environment of respect and consequences were natural, not fear based. My son said I was abusive and just ghosted me. I told him that he is welcome anytime to tell me what was done to hurt him so much. It’s been years, and nothing. I am full time caregiver of his disabled brother. I think part of this is his fear that he will have to take care of his brother if something happens to me. Instead of talking about it, it is easier and more popular to become estranged. It is sad.

[@SolutionsWithin]

I agree with Sophia’s. I know it’s hard, but inner work is necessary. There’s a meditation on YT called the Ho’oponopono meditation, and I can boldly say IT WORKS!!!! Do it and do it a lot and you will see! Thank me later ☺

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

Same. We gave our son everything we could despite also raising a severely handicapped daughter who is still with us. He feels no obligation whatsoever to at least give us some moral support. I'm not asking for anything more than that. But boy he sure wanted to order what he wanted to order off the menu because of course we took him everywhere we went and gave him everything he wanted. Even the cell phone he is using right now to text me that he is cutting me out of his life was an extra I had that he helped himself to.

[@diannerussell9653]

Well look at it this way the parent Eagle as soon as the baby eagle can fly the offspring leave the parents never to return. There is a reason for this it’s so that they will grow and learn and become totally reliant on themselves. All attachments bring grief, we are never fully free until we let go. Nothing is forever. So I have the same way of the eagle that way people become like ships in the night you don’t form a bond therefore you don’t grieve over that person or need that person when they are gone. Nothing is forever. I have sat with people who want to take their own life because they think their life is over without this man or woman in their life. It’s a painful thing to see and some people stay in this perpetual grief for the rest of their life. It’s very scary to be attached and codependent on another creature that way. I never get close to anyone for this reason, why would I want to experience such pain both physically and Psychologically. I raised my daughter and we had wonderful experiences together it is the most Wonderful and beautiful thing motherhood, however like the eagle we have to let them go even if that means forever and we never see them again. Life is about constantly changing and adapting and moving and experiencing new things. Holding on to someone or something only causes Psychological discomfort and pain and stops us from moving on and enjoying life we only get one life live it to the full with or without your family and children 🦅

[@christymyers664]

A therapist who speaks rationally…thank you

[@angelarogers3137]

Not true. My father that I was raised by his not spoke to me in over 7 years. His new wife was a problem from the start. He could care less.

[@amyr3285]

I agree that there are children who grow up neglected by their parents, were abused either emotionally or physically, etc. because that happens in this world and I dont blame the children for estranging their parents. At the same time, there are children who have a warped sense of what went on in their lives as children. I was a single parent, and my younger daughter sent me a list of grievances of why she was not really speaking with me at a time. For this, she was upset with me and suffers now from anxiety and depression. Honestly, some of her reasons were not real to me, but true to her. Some of them seemed that they were not like me or what my reactions to things would be. For example, she said that she once replied to me using a particular accent, and that I got irritated and told her to stop pretending she was a ---(from a country), and that I said it with hatred in my voice and that my "veins stood out as I said it". This to me seemed so uncanny, because one, I would never make fun of an accent she used, and two, I would never act that way. It is just not me. So I took in what complaints she had about me and I apologized for any misunderstandings, I wrote back to her and told her that what she had said did not sound like me but if she interpreted it that way, then I would not argue with her. I apologized for all my shortcomings, but also said ai was a single parent raising two girls with little help, and I asked her to forgive me. She spoke to me shortly after that in the winter, and it was to take care of her cat as she was going away. Three months later, she got made at me for getting her a transcript from a college for herself, saying I used her peronsal info online. I was trying to help as she wasnt working. And so now I've learned my lesson never to do this again. She rarely speaks to me again, and it breaks my heart.

[@superinquisitor]

I think she wants attention from you. As an emotionally neglected child, I would get mad at my parents for tiny, insignificant shit. I really just wanted them to show me that I was significant.

[@SolutionsWithin]

Have u ever heard of marijuana induced confabulation? For some youth, the damage can be permanent where they imagine theirs childhood to have incidents that it b didn’t. Also, it sounds like narcissism is increasing in society. It does have to do with how the brain operates, but if it’s increasing in how common in society it is, then it stands to reason that more young people would have it (less empathy and compassion etc). Also, sometimes the ‘other’ parent could have used psychopathic manipulation tactics to convince the youth aged children that the other parent is bad, convincing them of false narratives. In any case, hopefully some day they grow out of that and develop deeper feelings. It’s sad that it seems to be exascerbated or even caused by ‘the American “way” so to speak. There’s this idea in America that when u turn 18 it’s socially expected that you leave and become seoarate and distanced from your parent. In most every other part of the world that would be considered very weird. Family is everything. Hope it works out for you. In the meantime, strive to spend time with people who are compatible with your true self and reflect your own values. This will make you stronger. Don’t let your happiness hinge on joe someone else behaves or you will always be miserable. Remember that.

[@amyr3285]

@@superinquisitor That may be. She has an older sister whith a disability that I had to always go to school for meetings. I was paying her more attention than the younger. At the same time--she has told her sister in the past that I need to know my "boundaries". I do--I respect her and I would never go against any of her wishes. But she has made this thing about her transcript intp a big mountain--and I cant help but wonder if she is using this as an excuse to shut me out again. It wasn't as if I had committed a great sin against her. But I would never tell her that myself, because it would drive her away some more. I am just praying at this point--that she soften her heart and get help if she herself needs it.

[@O_Obi]

​@@amyr3285I think therapy for both of you can help setting some boundaries and respect. But if she don't want to, then you better off without her. I don't like my parents and I hope that they change but they are not

[@dillchives]

Your response to her list of disagreements was to invalidate them, say they didn't happen, offer vague apologies, but then also offer excuses for any behavior she didn't like. She's probably pretty relieved about the lack of contact.

[@_apey]

This guy doesn't really get the adult child's point of view. Hopefully he will read some of the comments in this thread for a broader perspective. I feel like he is kind of pandering to the parents.

[@libbybarrett1268]

I'm sure his decades in his profession has shown him many truly abusive parents so don't try to play like he's clueless because he's not, he's been at this far too long. Let's also not forget that he's an adult child too.

[@AA-iy4gm]

he has a book to sell and not many other therapists and psychologists have this kind of narrow view that panders to parents so he filled a hole and gets to sell his book

[@dillchives]

He's definitely aiming for the gravy train of terrible parents who resent their children and want someone "professional" (looking) to tell them they did everything right and other people are to blame when their kids stop contacting them. He dislikes their children just like they do.

[@willman9567]

Unless there is terrible abuse, it isn't worth it. Sometimes it is about not meeting each others needs. Not worth it. Parents eventually are not there. You will regret it.

[@tracyheaslip8754]

Thanks for the video I agree with your conclusion!

[@dot-to-dot]

So the parents who sacrificed everything to give their child a better life have to apologize to the children who "perceive" that they were not given everything that they needed by the parent? Maybe those people who got to go to an ivy league college need to go see what it's like in an inner city community where parents are scraping by to simply feed their kids everyday much less send them to an ivy league school. If the parents were abusive absolutely get away from them. However, getting mad at your parents and keeping the grandchildren away is just weaponizing them. You will have many years without your parents some day and you won't have the option of making it right because they will be gone.

[@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537]

Well said. My ex and her narc family weaponize my daughter, I admit my errors and shortcomings, I needed to stand up for myself. When I did my ex portrayed that as aggression and my child bought into it. Narc games. To your point, for me to sit in therapy and hear what garbage I was/am and not worth a reunion, while the therapist nodded and kept the client happy was more than I could take, narc abuse all over Again. I wasn’t the best but deserved better, sacrificed everything, gave myself little. .

[@ellyk8834]

Maybe it's parents like you who need to listen and make things right with your off-spring. If you dismiss why your child has issues because of the excuses you tell yourself you will never fix the relationship. They'll stop trying because your inability to take in/hear what they are saying is the biggest issue and continuing to display that is the last straw. The only regret they'll have is the sadness that they weren't good enough/worth it for you to swallow your pride and see things from their POV. If you could show an ounce of that, you wouldn't be estranged.

[@lisamichael2882]

@@ellyk8834 You're extremely intense about the point you're making, but also extremely uninformed. There are plenty of very thoughtful parents who adult children treat absolutely horribly, including estranging themselves from them. On the other hand, there are plenty of terrible parents, who are terrible in many ways, whose children treat them wonderfully. One of the biggest drivers of adult children estrangement from parents is mental health issues of the adult child - certain personality disorders amongst those. Many, but not all, adult children who estrange themselves from their parents won't make good parents themselves. Every difficult, unpleasant parent was once somebody's difficult, unpleasant child. If you have a horrible parent, that horrible parent was probably once a horrible child. Ask your grandparents.....

[@iheartspecterross3215]

Coming from an immigrant family and having heard a lot of these stories, often times the road to getting into Ivy League schools is full of extreme pressure/expectations from parents without a consideration of what the children want. Many times these parents (not all obviously) are okay with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse to get their children to meet their expectations. It’s not just parents sacrificing and being strict, it’s literally being abusive and the adult children also lose their childhood and develop trauma and anxiety. Again this is not all parents but it’s a very common thing in immigrant families and why children might seek estrangement as a last resort.

[@hardeepkang9733]

When someone open a door for us we say thank you, parents brought kids into this world, raised them, did countless things everyday each day and in return still need the best for them. Where are payments are wrong they have more experience to live in this world. These are the things you guys should be practicing not otherwise

[@musicnotes4755]

This is such a widespread phenomenon. nteresting how the parent is always to blame. I agree with the commenter below, except I am not sure that the adult child will eventually regret the rift.

[@jammadan]

" nteresting how the parent is always to blame" More often than not, but you're right about the regret, I've seen kids that did not even attend their parents funeral

[@lisamichael2882]

@@jammadan Yep, about the kids not attending their parents' funeral. I made a longer comment to another comment on this video but what I'll repeat here is: most of the adult children who estrange from their parents aren't mentally healthy themselves. That's the reason they're able to be so cold-hearted to their parents. Children who were abused by their parents often don't estrange themselves - it's weird, but true.

[@mcawesomest1]

If your adult children only call or see you 2 or 3 times a year and you live In the same state then you know you were a 💩 parent. If your kids want a relationship with you when they become adults then you know that you did an ok or good job

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

It never mattered what our parents were like we accepted them and even saw the humor in some of our disagreements. However, today the adult children have been raised that they are equal to their parents and treat them as peers instead of honoring them.

[@SacredMagic13679]

Children, once they are adults, are not subordinate to their parents. Once the child is grown, the relationship becomes one of mutual respect, or the relationship is not healthy.

[@JEBBY123IFY]

​@@SacredMagic13679 have you raised any children yet?

[@ellyk8834]

@@SacredMagic13679 You nailed it. Only unhealthy/toxic people think otherwise.

[@mysticalvibe4241]

💔❤️‍🩹

[@venomlily1651]

If there's 1 thing this generation of children lack, it's the RESPECT of authority . I know there are parents out there who abuse their kids, whether through neglecting them or mistreating them physically or emotionally . I don't disagree with that, but I HATE with a passion, how this age and this society has such a " The child is ALWAYS right ", judgement AGAINST the parents . Yes, there are HORRIBLE parents out there, and some of you spoiled rotten kids need to get on your knees and thank GOD everyday, that you have the parents you do have .

[@ellyk8834]

No one believes child abuse victims. Society and everyone just claims they are "spoiled rotten" and makes like their complaints are 'childish'. Your entire comment is the projections of an abuser. Fortunately there is getting to be more and more trauma informed survivors who recognize and point out what abusers sound like. We worshiped at the feet of our abusers long enough. We are standing up and saying, "No more."

[@lisamichael2882]

@@ellyk8834 You've made several comments on this channel and it seems like you're familiar with at least a few parents who you describe as terrible parents. But it ALSO seems like you haven't heard of child protective services (CPS). No one believes child abuse victims?? I'm a mandated reporter. If a child so much as implies they're being emotionally or physically abused and any mandated reporter hears it, CPS is called out within a few hours. The child is not allowed to go home until they are evaluated. There are parents who've been wrongfully jailed or had their kids taken away because of false accusations of abuse. You can find examples of this all over the internet.

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

We were so "abusive" and I am such a "toxic narcissist" that my son chose to move back home to finish his military enlistment even though he had tons of cash saved up. His substance abuse finally let us to show him the door. One night we had to drive an hour to an emergency room with our disabled adult daughter in tow because he was taken to the hospital inebriated. It got worse after that and I worked the next day with no sleep. His only reply was "everyone makes mistakes."

[@lukes5631]

It's morally wrong for a CHILD to not take into account things that were outside of their control or were agreed and decided upon before they were very born, or at least before they were anywhere near an age where they are forming independence/identity away from the parents? Are you perhaps only dealing with children who just had "strict" parents, e.g. curfews... no sleep overs... no pocket money... only cooked by them... ? Are you really implying all children are morally wrong, or do you think perhaps you should make some clarifying statements? There are children who are literally beaten, starved, ridiculed, used as pawns, financially abused, sexually abused, have locks on the OUTSIDE of their rooms... just to name a few very common experiences... and you are going to claim some kind of blanketed MORAL high horse to condemn the adult children from who simply will not respect and have anything to do with their parents, even if they do end up "privileged" and in an ivy league school (plenty end up in Ivy League's and wind up completely broken as adults due to the abuse they suffered)?

[@Frank020]

Sadly, i think the femenistic ideal is a factor, because patriarchal family leaders are rejected, even if they are free reign. Self reliance has always been there. Cultural polarities affect too. Modern stressful work has led to more mental illnesses exacerbating situations, causing family conflicts like divorce and the breakdown of the family unit.

[@lisamichael2882]

Certainly there are parents who abuse their children - emotionally, physically or both. But there are also teen and adult children who emotionally (and sometimes physically) abuse their parents, who were not themselves abused as children by those parents. These abusive adult children have serious emotional health issues. In the US child-on-parent abuse is not readily recognized, whereas elsewhere in the world it is. Not all adult children who estrange themselves from their parents were abused by those parents. And there are certainly plenty of abusive parents who are treated very kindly by their adult children. Did you know that a good fraction of children who are placed into foster care due to documented severe abuse by one or both parents actually run away from their foster parents to return to their abusive biological parents? There isn't a good relationship between being abused by your parents and estranging yourself from your parents when you're an adult.

[@urbanmusicgal9075]

Thank you so much for this observation. In my generation, I'm now 74, parental abuse was barely recognized. It was up to the children to treat their parents with respect and honor , Even though Some of the children had actual wounds, bruises and burns from the abuse. Many of these children either kept coming back to their parents throughout their lives , or couldn't sever the bond , which was a painful trauma bond. I was one of those children about my own mother and father. I actually felt that it was up to me to take care of them , rather than the other way around , while I protected my younger siblings . Way before my children were born I went through years of education before my children were born, to learn all that I could about child development, and how to build self-esteem and self-confidence in the child. My instincts took over from their, and I loved raising my children. Even though it is unfair that my daughter took her rage and violence out on me, instead of her abandoning, alcoholic, abusive father , and grandfather, I allowed her behavior to go on for many years, hoping it would change, until I just couldn't take it anymore. So when she severed the relationship -- I was finally relieved in a sense.

[@Anonymous-ji4sb]

My 23 y/o twin daughters and my 17 y/o son are spoiled bitches and they disgust me. I teach high school during the day and waited tables at night support them. I sacrifice my life for them but it’s never enough for them. They never take a availability for anything instead just blame me for anything and everything. They always tell me what a failure of a parent I am and how they wish I died instead of their mom. At this point understand, they can go if they want never speak to me again.

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

@knycengklot wow. You can't really believe that can you?

[@lisamichael2882]

@@timb8652 I see you've made numerous comments to various videos on this channel. Sounds like you are a victim of abuse by your parents based on your statements that they beat you - based on that alone you were abused. That is certainly abuse. The parent(s) who did this to you aren't normal or weren't in a normal state of mind when they were doing that, for sure. But what seems lacking in your experience is people who are hostile, furious at, and maybe even estrange from their parents when the parents didn't do any sort of abuse at all, physical or emotional. Nevertheless the kids are in a hot rage at the parents or are just casually disinterested in them. That is ALSO not normal. I know personal examples of adult kids treating their parents in a horrible way, sometimes to the degree that the parents are terrorized by the kids, whereas they were typical or even better than typical parents. Either you don't know any situation like this (possible) or, since you were a victim of abusive parents, it's hard for you to believe that there are any decent parents out there who get abused by their adult kids. Question: what would you think of a split vote - where one adult kid hates and abuses the parents and the other adult kid(s) have normal relationships with the parents AND they accuse the abusive kid of lying. That's pretty much all that I know and I personally know 5 of those. It's very very weird. At least one of the kids is dishonest or has very distorted thinking. It's hard to believe that one kid is getting abused on the regular and no other siblings see it or sense it.

[@17.11Acts]

Comments all justifying hate. Sad

[@byhislove]

I never thought I'd say this, all parents are faulty, no one is perfect and few parents are evil. This had become a pandemic. I'm a great parent, and grandparent but my daughter's therapist suggested for my child not to talk anymore and now she is withholding grandkids. A horrible therapist, and abuse to their parent and their own children

[@Sjb2077]

I don’t want to hear any more of these selfish kids who lack any awareness that parents are humans, make mistakes, at times hurt their child’s feelings. I loved my three daughters and raised them to have strong wings to fly the nest when the time came. Get on with their lives but keep in touch, a chat, a laugh together or a shoulder to cry on when there was no other. All I observe is the me, me, me, attitude we are having to suffer today. My remedy, that life I had before is gone, it’s in the past and I am not going to drag it unwillingly along with me. I too can decide to go, no contact. No reconciliation because I shall remind them all of their shortcomings as they grew up into adults. The things I endured from them. So deep is the emotional wound , from three people who I would never have deliberately hurt, is too deep to mend. I have embarked on a new life as me, not having to feel hurt, angry or second rate. But me. As they say, ‘ I’m out of here’. They will manage perfectly well without me and if they want a mother then they can go find someone suitable.

[@VenusFeuerFalle]

Sorry, but shouldn't estrangement be the norm for children among human mammals? I mean, how are humans supposed to develope, if they still adhere to their past inhereted by parents?

[@ddhqj2023]

Why would estrangement be the norm just because we're human animals? Consider all the species where (especially the female) young, stay with their mothers in family groups? Killer whale pods, elephants, even walrus daughters stay in groups with their mothers. So with our strong need for social connections and group dynamics, why would you suggest estrangement is the norm (that we should be allowing/encouraging)?

[@SolutionsWithin]

Also, family is everything! We are to take care of and love each other. Build each other up!

[@VenusFeuerFalle]

@@ddhqj2023 not because people are animals, but because it makes more sense to me for a human being. If humans don't leave their parents, they will inherent their perception on the world and stick to it, just because of family bonds. Humans are capable of so much more.

[@lumiere4460]

This dude is clearly favoring the parents delusional side of the story. It's not a trivial decision to cut a parent off, and it comes with the enormous downside of losing what is SUPPOSED to be a source of love, support. The parent feels shame, and has the "narrative" of being the one in the wrong? Well, yeah. You can't seem to wrap your mind around being held accountable. People who do something wrong think they should be praised, or at the least totally let off the hook. What's happened is, the parents have wrong the children, and the children have rightfully moved away from a crazy person who is hurting them. Simple as. A lot of this guys side of the argument is just presenting ways to discredit, place blame on the child, and avoid responsibility, and this narrative comes across as so nonsensical and untrue, because it IS.

[@jl4091]

Bingo.All these perfect parents are making me sick.

[@ProfessorNorris1]

Yes… this is a WEIRD Westernized Educated Industrialized Rich Democratic way of thinking. Very individualistic. And it is my hope that more counselors will understand this as you do… that the value of family is embraced; not that abuse is accepted. If there truly is abuse, that is a different story.

[@gaddygaddy1916]

I wish you did online therapy……

[@heystarfish100]

He does. Look him up, Dr. Joshua Coleman.

[@radiofreecanada]

Some serious abuse apologism going on on this channel in general....

[@dot-to-dot]

When a child becomes an adult is up to them to fix their problems. They can't use their parents as an excuse to continue to never change their behavior. There is no guidebook to parenting so show me a perfect parent. Sometime the kids turn out so rotten the parents regret having children.

[@dillchives]

Most adult children learn they need to go low or no contact with their parents and other family members when they start the journey towards understanding themselves and their own behavior. It's almost always the rest of the family (especially parents) that disregard their needs and refuse to change anything

[@shiamaxwell3482]

Right ! It’s a cultural thing , comparing and delusional adult children that are easily influenced by their friends that didn’t have a good life .

[@Ddddddddd885]

Joshua Coleman's work is dangerous and perpetuates abuse towards adult children.

[@kat2312]

I do know this - what goes around DOES come back around. Be mindful of that, little ones

[@ellyk8834]

And growing old alone is the same... What you gave your children when they were young you get back in your senior years.

[@lisamichael2882]

@@ellyk8834 Your comment is factually inaccurate. Very inaccurate. There are plenty of parents who treated their kids terribly, who are doted on by those same kids until they die. On the other hand, there are plenty of decent to wonderful parents who are treated horribly by their children, including but not limited to estrangement by those adult children. You're leaving comments all over this channel and I don't think it's a stretch to say that you likely have very very serious issues with your parents, for whatever reason. But the view that a logical path is taken - that parents who treat their children with kindness are repaid with kindness and parents who treat their children poorly are repaid with poor treatment is exceptionally inaccurate. I have been professionally exposed to many many many parents and their teen children, and it's shocking. Why do children of horrible parents sometimes treat their parents so kindly? Why do children of kind parents sometimes treat their parents so horribly? It happens, and quite often.

[@SolutionsWithin]

@@ellyk8834 yes, and you might get old someday too. Just a thought. 🧐

[@SolutionsWithin]

@@lisamichael2882 yes, there is almost always drugs or mental illness involved. Epidemic. Caused by corporations wanting to increase profit incessantly and causing a slave society. Capitalism has limits. IMO. Parents are getting blamed. Try to Build your life without them. And vote for progressive candidates. Good luck!

[@dillchives]

The whole point of videos like these is that older parents with adult children are now finding out that the way they treated their children for years is coming around to bite them right NOW. And they hate it!!

[@tinab3627]

I'm sorry but this is a bunch of BS? Everything I've seen so far about children choosing to be estranged from their parents gives the parent all the blame and all the responsibility to make things better. What about if the kids are clueless, self centred, entitled, disrespectful assholes? sorry for the harsh language but I just had enough of this and I'm very hurt and I haven't done anything that all you people are saying I've done . I did everything and beyond for my children. They had an extremely happy childhood. Problems aroowhen the father and I split. We had 50-50 custody. And they were stuck living with their narcissistic father during for half the time. They are turning exactly like that he is now. Even though they recognize his fault and I had difficulty in their own relationship with him

[@SolutionsWithin]

Spend time with people who are compatible w/ u. Don’t make your happiness dependent on people who bring you down and abuse u. Narcissism is hereditary unfortunately so a certain number of the children will actually prefer being around him than u.

[@synthonaplinth5980]

I'm so sorry. As a son who has estranged from his father I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. What happened is that your narc ex probably brainwashed them into thinking that you were the bad person in the relationship. That must hurt terribly.

[@tinab3627]

@@SolutionsWithin definitely. Thank you 🙏

[@tinab3627]

@@synthonaplinth5980 that is it exactly. He tried to turn them against or have them think I was crazy. It is heart wrenching. Especially because I can’t tell them about what their dad did. It’s too far out there & I don’t want to hurt them. They have started to come around because he’s let his mask slip around them as well. They are learning his true colours and are now losing respect for him. Thank you for your support 🙏

[@synthonaplinth5980]

@@tinab3627 I learned who and what my father was a long time ago. It's sad that people only want to hear one side of the story and not the other.

[@carlsheperd2471]

It's because boomers.

[@crystalevans1909]

You guys have to make parents the villain because you make money off people who you convince there's a problem. We aren't suppose to hold onto them forever.

[@ShazWag]

I agree. It's just morally wrong. These adult children seem to have an inflated sense of entitlement and don't care about the immense pain they cause. Parents do deserve respect and recognition for all their efforts and sacrifices. Their parents weren't perfect, their grandparents weren't perfect parents, and they won't be perfect. We're human. There is no "perfect". What sort of messed up society are these kids making?

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

You chose to have children so I can’t see how they owe you when you brought them here. It’s your responsibility as a parent to do your best by your child and they don’t owe you anything for that. Most children want nothing more than to have good relationships with their parents but as you highlight many parents and people are flawed. Life is already so difficult and thankfully we live in a world where you no longer have to put up with people for the sake of it just because they raised you.

[@shellwirtful]

Kids used to respect their parent by default, now kids are taught in schools and social media that they have “mental health” issues and that the nuclear family is flawed. Interesting….. once they get old enough and are alone they may regret their behavior….. my single mother was physically and emotionally abusive and didn’t give me a penny after I left. but I always loved her and still maintain a relationship with her. These kids seem to think parent have to be a certain way to be accepted…l everyone is different, parenthood doesn’t change that. I will always be here for my kids even if they act like entitled little brats

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

@@shellwirtful These kids are correct, you are not entitled to respect or affection just because you are considered someone’s parent. You have the right to your opinions / choices such as minimising peoples mental health, tolerate/forgiving abuse and to call your kids entitled brats - however they can decide if they enjoy having a relationship with you. It’s only an issue for people that think kids owe them and these types of people shouldn’t have kids tbh for a plethora of reasons.

[@dot-to-dot]

@@Coastpsych_fi99 technically a parents job is to feed, clothe and educate the child until they become adults the parents don't "owe" children anything more than that but how many parents go above and beyond the basic needs? I don't owe my adult children anything.

[@dot-to-dot]

@@Coastpsych_fi99 so what if "your best" is different that what the child thinks is best?

[@nataliemeenakshithegreat7780]

Yes it is morally wrong iam French but I made sure my daughter was American but after her birth we left New York after domestic abuse to move to paris I raised her her as a single parent overprotective her as the Jewish mother that iam she is independent she is still a student in master and works part time in Israel since she left it’s hard I mean hard painful brings lot of issues of abandonment in me iam happy for her but she cut ties with me it broke my heart she was difficult in teens years we stood together through it but I aged me and tired me to be blâme I’m not perfect I had my flows I made mistakes but my life revolves around and for her she calls me toxic and it enraged me I called her narcissist and a monster so I made amends to her saying you are not a monster you are a diamond but what you did to me is monstrous and morally wrong Iit isolates me more I cried I am angry and I am alone in my solitude that’s it she is independent leaving me behind she will be back in sept for eight months to finish her master and plans to live permanently in Israel she stays at my narcissistic mom who is 80 in august and my mum has been controlling and making me feel inferior all my life today I wrote to my daughter an email short because she blocked me on WhatsApp I just said I hope you are 100 hundred % well I love you even if you did not wish me a happy Mother’s Day I love you unconditionally at the end of the day write me a letter when you feel like it mum She wants to see the change in me she said three months ago holding me in arms crying mum I love you I want you to be an exemple so iam changing my flows because it is important for my daughter I don’t want to disappoint t her and now she goes no contact I am toxic I have issues of abandonment probably iam abandonned by my only beloved daughter I must have done a good job as a poor mom she is independent she is disrespectful of me and knows iam suffering yet no dialogue no empathy I don’t know what to do iam walking on egg shells it isn’t right always honor respect your parents if they are loving respectful parents life is short enjoy being together not estranged