Why Is It So Painful to Be an INFJ?

[@minimalisticjoy628]

It’s like, I can be other people’s soulmate but nobody can be mine. If that make sense.

[@nh-ko9sp]

Yep

[@simonacastellese6317]

It totally makes sense

[@davidw5532]

Very true!

[@danil.6667]

Wow yes 😭

[@shemcg7830]

💫✨ “That’s 🕳 Deep!” 💫✨

[@akferren1]

I always felt like I was dropped off on the wrong planet

[@SibyllaCumana]

Same!!

[@aprilpambianchi9888]

Me too, I have always said I think they accidentally left me here and I want to go home….😢

[@prschuster]

People have a very superficial understanding of me. They see me as an off-beat person, but they don't get my actual view of things.

[@havefun3470]

I'm everyone's best friend but nobody is even a friend of me. I'm tired of one sided relationships. Idk my personality is such that i keep falling into such dynamics. It's hella painful to be INFJ :(

[@pinky6226]

I know how it feels, It happens to me too... I hope we both reach a better dynamic on day

[@heatherparker9820]

I understand

[@chanisecarvalho5869]

Yes it's painful

[@redefinedliving5974]

Thats why its necessary to develop Ni and Fi. Know your own needs and standards. Then improve blindspot Te asserting and executing them. See how you lose all your friends in no time 😂

[@franzjosefmueller-alban509]

It just “our” perception… You stop searching / needing / wishing when you realice that “ you “ are the only best friend you’ll ever need. Regards

[@Coneman3]

I think we have the purest minds and hearts. Other types have various behaviours which are alien to us, and we get misunderstood all the time because no one believes we are just who we are. They think our kindness and authenticity is weakness or stupidity.

[@SibyllaCumana]

So very true!! It's frustrating to be thought stupid when we are caring and don't like to undermine people so we underplay...

[@fredv3043]

Or manipulation :/

[@emc7405]

It is so painful. Tears in my eyes as I even watch this video. I am often wishing, daily, that I was NOT an INFJ - it feels like a curse at times.

[@SomaKitsune]

I feel you. It's both the best and worst personality type simultaneously. I feel like Gollum, hating and loving being me equally. Often, paradoxically, for the same reasons.

[@christiandavis8291]

I almost cried too. Wishing the same thing.

[@TheGuyWhoCantPickAName]

But that’s when you remember that we got some of the strongest grit there is so we can turn any curse into a blessing

[@shawkitty2524]

Totally agree.

[@arnoldLawton]

💯💯

[@JohnK777]

I am so desperate to find another INFJ to connect with..

[@memyself2630]

Same!

[@NatalieDuby]

I've had so many people make comments to me like, "I feel so comfortable around you" "Ive never told anyone this before..." "You're so understanding " "I love your energy" etc. And sometimes I don't really know what to say, although it makes me very happy to know someone feels that way in my presence, but very rarely can I say the same for them. I almost feel uncomfortable when I'm told that because I wish I could say the same to them but I can't lie and say i do. I just don't so that. I wish I did feel the same

[@akferren1]

LOL yes to all of this.. I feel like everyone’s therapist. People always tell me stuff or how safe they feel with me

[@chrislim7976]

I'm tired of people telling me things. I care but don't want to know anymore. It leads to nothing.

[@VickiWells]

We are rejected by everyone! It is our greatest strength to know and live in one being a whole number. Maturity is becoming peaceful in the oneness and the solitary life. Genuine altruests. I still love to help people but I am at peace that no one can give back that support and I only look to The One who designed and created me to be an INFJ to do so according to His purpose. Peace and joy in this with abundant life! 💖

[@rossphillipgerard]

Then you must end the rejection in yourself of others to fully conquer rejection and understand it.

[@mikaylacole4498]

“I feel like an alien” is something I’ve said daily to myself for a few years now. Im thankful to have found this channel

[@Rollwithit699]

So true. I sense the mood of the room...who is in charge, who's the entertainer, who's the demanding person and/or the narcissist, who's shy and uncomfortable, who's having sex with whom or wishes they were, who wishes they could leave (that's always ME!) It's like they're wearing a sign hanging around their neck. So surprised no one else sees all this.

[@vespereer8450]

I think people can see others at the surface level but it's not something that takes front and center in their focus. Most people are preoccupied with their own motivations to be focused on trying to truly see others. I can even say that an INFJ's preoccupation is on reading the room and the people in it even if it's something that comes naturally for INFJ's. So then what is the INFJ's motivation for wanting/trying/needing to read others?

[@sharri5412]

I realise I attract broken people who need healing. People are able to get their needs met by me but when I need something the same friends and family expect me to beg them. I am also an aries and its even harder to be. I spend most of my time alone. I wish I had 1 friend I could cry on their shoulders, who will be there for me before I an desperate. At 36 I started learning how to deal with lower emotions and anger with the help of a therapist.

[@aliciagoldsmith6294]

It’s so beyond painful to be this way😞

[@MikiLund]

It’s a millstone around one’s neck while dragging an anchor 😢

[@kalinadesseaux8011]

💯 "your actually surprised that no one else can see it"

[@frerr2]

It’s hard, being us! It’s nice to find so many people who have felt the exact same way I have all my life in this comment section. I’ve never felt like I fit in, or anyone gets me. I am highly observant and like many of you have commented, people can become attached to me initially but I never feel connected to them. It’s frustrating, lonely and depressing. A vicious cycle! I feel like I give a lot of myself to other people but they just take what I offer and can’t or don’t give me that connection I crave in return. Although it is lonely, I’ve grown used to solitude.

[@HajirIbrahim-wf6rx]

I can relate 💯 percent

[@AlmostSkeptic]

I can relate to some of these as an INTJ. When an INFJ/INTJ gets into this dark/depressed state, you just feel so lonely. Its the worst feeling I have ever experienced which is why I wish I was a different personality type.

[@Duk3Nuk3m85]

Please take me away from here, or let me be high the rest of my life...

[@Fay_YaYa]

I swear

[@amyb7823]

😂

[@fiction589]

I am Infj and I have one infj friend. She truly gets me, I love her, but infjs are special creatures. A bit complicated, not too easy going... So the rest of my friend group are mixed types, and I highly recommend befriending extroverted people. They can drag you out of your shell pretty well 🐌 my love is an enfj and i believe this match is the best, most stabile, loving combination.

[@julianre.2268]

It's so important to speak your thoughts, feelings to her. Even if you ar afraid of rejection.

[@recuerdos2457]

The moment I stopped expecting other ppl to understand me, I m free. It’s not that important if you think of it. Afterall, why spend all your precious time on earth to move a stone that you blocked your way?? Just walk around it and go forward, life is short

[@nicksyoutubeaccount]

That's exactly it... I understand so many people, but nobody understands me.

[@mypov4343]

Turn your pain into joy thru self improvement. It's no secret that if you work on yourself, your life will improve no matter what your personality type. May it be so for you!

[@TreasureSeasons]

Yes, it's just right there in front of me and surprised others don't see it - yes, thank you - this was comforting.

[@mitzdalican6953]

Am an IFNJ too.. true it's so painful Especially when you burden yourself with so much responsibility for family and others

[@scottschoen3362]

I don't find it painful. It is a joy to have the insights and faculties those less complete are lacking. I try to be independent from them as I know they'll usually fail to understand me and want to change me. It would be horrible being like them. Scott

[@mysteryluv1125]

I'm so glad I found your channel, Lauren Sapala! I'm an INFJ and have felt like an outsider my whole life.

[@arnoldLawton]

💯💯💯💯

[@tomwilliams6744]

Painful being an INFJ? It certainly is for me! With me it seems so hard and I can't comprehend why it's hard to connect with others and never mind trying to make friends. What I've notice is others are just OK with me while those same individuals really get into other people. For an example, at where I live, there would be someone in the Jacuzzi in the small courtyard and others would strike up conversations with them. When I'm in the Jacuzzi, people just walk by barely saying hello to me. This kind of stuff happens to me a lot at where I live and where I work. Maybe I'm to blame for my lack of social success. It's easy for me to be rubbed the wrong way by what others say. I have one neighbor who wants to be friends with me. Since I don't have much going for me, I had given him a chance. But now I don't like him. He says so many things that rub me the wrong way - constantly. He might be autistic or something like that. I try being sympathetic with him but I lose patience when he says stuff that's hurtful. Another thing is that I'm 65 and never been married. I had refused to just settle and get married so that I won't be alone. I had some chances of settling fairly recently, but I had refused to give in. I feel bad that I never had someone I really loved (except for when I was 16-17 years old). But I'm glad I never settled.

[@Jearl_Black]

What is it like to talk to another? I'm 44 and it's my strongest desire to meet another and talk.

[@fiction589]

If you do not open up to anybody, it is pretty logical that you dont feel understood. Isolation is something you create sometimes. 💕

[@samarpitadattagupta8193]

I am also one of those, struggled a little bit but GOD has shown or revealed the way out of it. Please friends trust on GOD. Seek help from GOD. I studied Gita and Vedanta and found my true purpose of life and now not at all focussed on my little sufferings but feel blessed.

[@aliciagoldsmith6294]

Do you have any more advice on this??

[@jessicakim2511]

Yep. I'm always very misunderstood. It sucks.

[@jackshoekeeper293]

I can’t get away from this INFJ no room for any more! I’m done with fitting in! I wish I was an INFP!

[@edasarah3098]

Do you think being an infp is easy? highest suicide rate!!!

[@BigDGolf-23]

As an ISTP, I can relate to this to a degree. Everyone needs me, but I don't "need" them. I guess the main difference between us is I can tell them not right now without feeling bad.

[@SynchroDiaries]

I so look forward to this. Your “You Are A Writer” course has been incredibly helpful in helping me realize I still have a lot of boundary work to do & just how much I had stuffed my feelings deep down my entire life. I’m like a newborn person now - welcoming the real me to the world, feeling fully, living on my terms in my time, and unlocking the doors that have kept my creative self frozen - and your classes have been an integral part of my awakening. I can’t wait to dive even deeper. See you in class!

[@HelpYourDogLiveLonger]

Lauren is the best!

[@lukula2934]

Emotional pain is a part of everyone's life and most of it originates in our relationships. Some of us dedicate our lives to avoidance of any discomfort...Others can spend inordinate energy on finger pointing, thus avoiding responsibility. I'm not at all fond of labeling, but would be considered a mature male infj. I am now alone and learning to deal with that solitude in a much healthier way. Since my woman's passing I've come to see most of our "friends" as anything but...There is still plenty of pain, but much less suffering.

[@happinesschuma4022]

Carl Rogers said, "I am pessimistic when I look at the world but optimistic when I look at people." I`ve never related to anything more

[@susanhartman6356]

I love listening to you talk! Because you describe everything the INFJ experiences and craves so spot on. Looking forward to checking out this course-especially for the issue if overwhelm, and more.

[@Kcali111]

Infj, introvert, aquarius 😬 Lol

[@eliuribe2730]

Me too!

[@davidclarke10]

Very nice talk about infj trouble Lauren Sapala .

[@shawkitty2524]

I’ve been in pain for most of my life.

[@SibyllaCumana]

Being an INFJ sucks. I've been taken advantage of all of my life. I am a bit more cynical now, but my character remains the same

[@rick3747]

I am right there with you. Our very caring nature attracts narcs and other losers. I noticed this occurs a lot less since I hit my 50s.

[@SibyllaCumana]

​@@rick3747Thank you for your reply, I'm afraid that's very true although I still feel guilty even to use the word 'losers'. I've always believed everybody to be good to the core. Obviously wearing rose-tinted glasses has brought me nothing but troubles. It may sound like an exaggeration, nonetheless it's the truth. I guess we need to learn boundaries, even if it's against our nature

[@rick3747]

@@SibyllaCumana I learned later in life to be more of a realist. I find that typical Extroverts expect people to lie, cheat, steal and even purposely push some into this predictable behavior too especially when you have zero morals, ethics and values. We as Introverts almost always have bucket loads of morals, ethics and values which is why Extroverts especially ones in a power position get deeply frustrated when we Introverts do not lie, cheat, steal or do "normal" predictable behavior.

[@Lola-mt1ne]

This channel feels right to me. That connection thing.

[@basv]

so much overlap between the autistic and infj experience. I'm both btw

[@nwbest4336]

It's painful cause we have these stupid rules for ourselves even when we were too ignorant to know we have them. It's not like we sat down and make up the rules, it's just in our personality. So overcoming those innate rules are next to impossible.

[@lotemnagar6821]

You explained it really well. Thank u.

[@fairygodmotherflowerEternal221]

Heck yes beautiful chameleon. I feel so sleepy and somewhat hurt from all that at this point. Also , something about being invited to weddings I just realized. I feel like I know almost everyone so deeply it’s like I should be invited to every wedding out there re family , friends etc bc I have been there for everyone , all ages, all times. Somehow I feel deep, sacred comfort and yet a bit isolated after past 4 years of having 2 babies and stuff happening in the world. Thx ! I am gett8ng myself going with a KZbin channel too.

[@jamielawrence4749]

Yes, my most uncomfortable moment is when someone I'm not feeling safe with asks me "how are you?". I appreciate they ask, but I have no idea how I feel, much less how to say it to them :''D

[@kittywalker2944]

What’s weird for me is overcoming certain issues you mentioned and then years later, having them pop up out of nowhere. I’m 58 and didn’t read up on INFJs until this decade. So, I wasted yrs trying to be ‘normal.’ I found out that I’m already just right, for my type. I know why I am how I am. I’m also happy to be an INFJ, but I do find it hard to find relationships that feel reciprocal. I was married 30 yrs, kids, lots of people … but have lived alone past 7 yrs, losing parents, moved 3x, sold home where kids grew up, etc … and do not know where I live or even belong. I’ve decided this is bc I’m an INFJ. Half of me does not need anyone, but the other half loves having people around to engage with. The icing is the part about how many times I’ve gotten ‘stuck’ with someone that bothers me - bc they’re too shallow or narrow-minded about staying outside of the box. Blah, blah, blah. I’m an eternal optimist, so it’s only a matter of time.

[@CliffordRainwater]

I wanted to write but I have three learning disabilities, dysgraphia, ADHD, and Sensory processing disorder. I think the later stems from a bad concussion I had in 1987 so it was just to frustrating.

[@SshivamKhopkar]

OMG this was so relatable! INFJ too

[@stevepeterson5943]

Another reason is that there are so many infj videos by people who are not, in fact, infjs, but mistakenly typed themselves as such. So the sad part, is that infjs will recognize that, along with a few others who know type very well. Even worse, is some are in the helping professions and even life coaches! To your point, we'll "see" them, but they cannot, or will not see themselves. Perhaps you could address this, in your videos. I think it's highly relevant, and becoming a hindrance to those just learning.

[@ngeee10]

I see this alot, I think those people just have insecurities and then label themselves infj.

[@SteveChiller]

yeah, I've met a few other "INFJ" ppl online. Was really no connection, maybe they aren't INFJ or maybe I am not one. I even got blocked by one after not even a day (a few msgs back and forth). He typed like an "INFJ" youtuber that I've seen a few videos of. I can't think of his name but just remember he made a video wearing a bunny costume. Was just a weird interaction. I dunno where Im going with all this. lol

[@olenapetrovych9636]

This woman doesn't look like infj or any IN type neither. I could see it immediately. Just desided to go through to see how many people can see it )

[@kalinadesseaux8011]

Heyyyy it's *you!* It's so good to see you! Your intuitive writing course helped me so much! I'm still so grateful for it! I'm working on my writing privately, but I've definitely seen an improvement and I'm actually finishing things! I'm actually loving my own private work! Thank you so, so much again! ((I ah, I'm not sure you remember me but wasn't able to be part of the live course; I'd noticed something weird with your link back then)) it's so good to see you! To see you doing more courses 🥰 a lighthouse in this turbulent ocean; thank you, Lauren

[@sayagarapan1686]

Because to whom much is given, much will be expected.

[@AerialPriestess]

I’ve been typed as an INFP time and time again, but the more I watch your videos, the more I identify with INFJ. I know that there’s some overlap, but I’m having a hard time distinguishing the two.

[@motionmuse5684]

A lifetime of pain, tumbling uphills.

[@rabzi1972ify]

I don't need coaching but I like to listen

[@borndeafin1ear]

How many male INFJs have you worked with? About 2 months ago (nearing age 50), I came across KZbin videos about the Sigma male and INFJs. These videos helped me to finally start separating what is part of my natural personality and who I am because of living my entire life essentially deaf in the right ear. Hearing has the biggest impact on the developing brain, but my defect is so rare, nobody understand it. These type of videos helped me realize that I am a natural INFJ, but part of me was created through my experiences living with 1 ear. Too many times have I been humiliated or reprimanded because I simply didn't hear something correctly. Now, I can begin to decide how to be my true self. My retirement will be filled with a lot of extra education, projects, and nature hunting with the camera.

[@williamgadomski8207]

No man is an island, entire of himself...except an INFJ 😅 -John Donne (edited for humor)

[@peakbagger7682]

Outstanding video.

[@henryprado3601]

I almost cry

[@chriscollins1481]

Holy smokes are you from Albion ? I am positive I am an infj and have been listening on KZbin for almost two years and today came across youre channel . :)

[@Justice-tk3dr]

Albion, NY???

[@AL-dy1lj]

I was told I need to change if I am to survive in society because I come across as angry. It was heartbreaking to hear because my introversion is being completely misunderstood.

[@HoratioTalbot771_a]

In can be risky on the emotional level to connect deeply with certain people. I think this may be why INFJ's are wary of connecting with a variety of people . Gossip becomes a problem and then the police are called . Who needs it ?

[@frantetro6728]

When I was young , relatives would tell me to just change the way I was . I didn’t understand how I could do that

[@10thtitanshifter22]

I just hope learning about being different is ok when I was younger. Maybe that would've change even a little bit of things right now. Being INFJ is like shaping your own just to fit, it'll soon confuse you and frustrate you. Feeling like you don't know who you truly are.

[@nataliebutler]

If I'm anything to go by, INFPs can see others in the same way.

[@Peaceforall20111]

The best way I can describe my lack of understanding my own emotions. I have preferences , as we all do, but I truly just want what is “right” or. “Fair” that is what my core focus is in every second of my life. I think that is partly why I steugglebinsersnreidng myself but it is more because I don’t “want” stuff in the way others and this don’t really have any truly feelings.. whatever is right is what I want . Again I have thinks I like but whenever faced with a decision on my actions or my wants- I want whatever is equal or fair . One of the advanced mental puzzles working in. Curious others thought on how our desire for equality truly limits are ability to normal desires the most others . Again early infj theory

[@madhvishukla4332]

Thank you ma'am this video is very helpful for me

[@juarawebcom298]

Yeah I am tired of mirroring!

[@okwatever3582]

Interesting video. I notice a lot of this about my infj friends and classmates. It is interesting that I would be asking about themselves yet they sort of misunderstand their own feelings and can’t explain it directly to me although I can see it just written on their faces and actions.

[@larapunk3532]

So we can say the "Fi critic" problem, also the excessive use of Fe

[@m2pozad]

As an INFJ-A, I can honestly say I have no idea what this type of pain is about, always been relatively popular and well adjusted as far as friends. Insecure attachment from childhood family turbulence is a wound, but has been addressed and blossomed from. There is no doubt in my mind that there are many more out there who are capable of saying something similar.

[@markshishnia520]

Well if it is any indicator...MinimalisticJoy's comment has over 100 thumbs up and 16 replies and you have 5 thumbs up and one comment(mine). I have embraced and come to understand my childhood trauma('turbulence") and consider myself well adjusted but I still feel and understand the pain of being an INFJ.

[@m2pozad]

@@markshishnia520 This point is, before my comment, well adjusted INFJs were nonexistent. Now we are out there.

[@markshishnia520]

@@m2pozad I get that. Just making an observation, no offense meant. Thanks.

[@1594simonsays]

you were relatively popular because you were probably unaware of the consistent mask that you had on

[@christiandavis8291]

I’m an INFJ-T. I think that’s an important distinction. The T means we are full of doubt. I feel confident at times, and then doubt creeps in like a poison, and my entire state of mind dissolves.

[@angela_rodriguez]

I’m interested in the class

[@janzkijowa7275]

I do not feel i am a "problematic" type or it is so difficult to being "me" as a personality. I personally think that i am very simple, thinking based on straight principles, taking care about others and the so-on staff you all know. I not have troubles to understand myself. But a different story is the lonley wolf, solitude is in fact a problem, althought... i am not responsible that other people do not want to make the effort or have the experience needed to understand me.

[@thecozyconstellation]

we're too deep and smart whereas everyone else is shallow and dumb. LOL

[@james12erby43]

Right 👏

[@shaniquawhipple6413]

Yes I feel like I'm misunderstood

[@markshishnia520]

What is with all the non-INFJ's here? Lol

[@sashagalemcfarlane3320]

We are such chameleons sigh

[@daudbalele7406]

Codes are complex, E would satisfy F..here for INFJ 'I' leaves F alone..the struggle begins

[@joshuabouwman3593]

This sounds like subjective indulgence had a baby with astrology

[@susiebenson]

Thank you very much ❤

[@rossphillipgerard]

Let pain give us the resolve to reach beyond the boundaries confined by those who are not us. INFJ

[@remhk6672]

When a person is giving and supportive and I reciprocate, that person eventually becomes cold and distant afterwards. Has any infj experience this?

[@jasmin1773]

How can I be more authentic and get more of this feeling of "belonging"?

[@Dagm1111]

I feel the most difficult thing is the yearning for romantic intimacy that hasn't been present most of my life. However, because of excellent teachers like you Lauren, there's much more understanding and hope to guide us through many aspects of life. Thank you so much!

[@khouloudsultan9525]

I feel welcome thanks

[@Jearl_Black]

Silly question....why does a skunk smell when passing by one on the road, make me fighting mad, and I don't get mad....

[@maybee...]

My family was the only place I was safe. I have been called an enigma, also I don't mean to scare people, I have been told I have R.B.F. (resting bitch face)... I get that, I even have developed the furrow.

[@Guiseppe47]

😂 That's what my daughter says she has

[@arnoldLawton]

Thank you

[@Nikki-fx6yy]

To all INFJs out there: get you a ENFP bestie! Thank me later ❤

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]

no disrespect but wtf who said its painful perhaps when one is unaware but not even life opens up to us sure we have one hell of a dark night of the soul but the pain that you think we experience is what makes us feel alive the most we spend our times torn between two worlds and liminal states so sometimes pain is our anchor to reality

[@Fay_YaYa]

INFJs need to meet up at least once a year.

[@swanzilla1982]

I thought this was an excellent video My life Spot on for many years Years ago if I was around certain people maybe a narcissist? Guess my brain would freeze up Years later I can remember everything that happened and said like I was dreaming the whole thing

[@nikodansu]

Im just here coz I think I hurt someone by my joke and now I cant breathe even though they're not affected by it :(

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

This is me

[@Misspippi777]

If anyone live in Norway, be happy to meet up. No pressure, just chill walking in the woods

[@Fay_YaYa]

Oooo I wish, I'm in the states

[@NightinGal89]

Well being intp is much worse

[@humility0is0a0virtue]

Welllllll, shit.

[@Gogo_Barbie]

Infj and social anxiety video? 😬

[@Fool4Christ777]

Ugh...