Everything I Got Wrong About Dating *AS AN AVOIDANT*

[@Brittney_in_Seattle]

I loved the reminder that we are no longer the wounded kid versions of ourselves - that we have the language and tools to communicate how, when, and the ways we need to be loved from those we are in relationship with.

[@ryanyoung9202]

👆- WOW WOW AND WOW

[@FocalPointElisa]

With an insecure attachment, it always comes to a point where we're choosing between the fantasy of a good relationship, a toxic relationship, or an actual healthy relationship with boundaries.

[@renatalandsmanova125]

You nailed it!

[@TheDevineFempress]

The problem I c is everyone trying to get crazy people to ask behave like they are not crazy. You have to accept the crazy that’s a long and short of it. If you do not accept the crazy you end up going crazy the best way to deal with an avoidant is to give them what they want when they think you are going to leave them They are actually telling you what to do. You can have the best relationship ever even with a narcissist, even though that is trickier, but trying to have a fairytale romance with an emotional villain this is never gonna happen and have a certain point you have to decide if you want to participate in these toxic relationships or do you want to wait Because as messed up as it sounds, narcissist, have great sex and when you handle them correctly, you can have a fairly long-term relationship, but it is not going to be the healthy. Let’s talk about our problems style relationship that you want when a narcissist discard you they are telling you that you gave them too much value, when a narcissist ignore you they are telling you to ignore that when an avoidant pulls away 2 feet you pull away 30,000 miles you have to become in control of your emotion. That is the only way and being in your own control removes you from being in theirs and. Places you in the driver seat I’ve had more therapy than most people. I know I know how to have a healthy loving relationship, but most people are nuts most people have issues so you can either choose to be single until you meet a healthy partner or a date, the toxic suckers using toxic patterns. That’s the only way it’s either choosing to be alone until you find someone else healthy as you are or dating people at their own level it is what it is.

[@storysplinters9458]

or d, have no relationship at all, that's been me my whole life :') but I've learned so much in the last few years and continue working on it

[@tys8775]

I had to screen shot this comment cause OKAY HEARD

[@BWAcolyte]

us avoidants are oftentimes people pleasers (never receiving love in the way we needed as kids and then overcompensating by giving way too much in hopes of earning love from people that were incapable of giving it) and so in adulthood we give up our boundaries to please and leave ourselves miserable and exhausted 😩

[@diamcole]

That's exactly how I describe folks with an anxious attachment style. It almost becomes a game of, "How can I bend and twist myself to make you love me?"

[@reginakc]

I don’t think we are people pleasers. If we were we wouldn’t be avoidant; anxious attachment are more people pleasers

[@angel-nina_]

2 things can be true at the same time💚 I am a people pleaser but never acknowledged that it is okay to not want to do certain things…it is okay to say no…it is okay to not want to be involved in every way all the time. I think the people pleasing over compensates for feelings of wanting to have time to yourself & not always say “yes”. We aren’t bad people for not wanting to always be available emotionally, physically or mentally for others. It can be overwhelming, after all, we are only human.🩷

[@ClumsyTrout]

This was a word

[@emilyonizuka4698]

okay so I am textbook dismissive avoidant and have been with a secure partner for almost nine years now and it is an experience. he compared me to a cat who will run and hide from strangers, but will eventually be affectionate if you just give them the time and space they need to trust you. I'm learning more about my own needs and others' and sometimes they just don't match up even platonically and that's okay. I can just say what I need and partners or friends can say what they need and if they don't match up then okay, no hard feelings, we can just adjust or leave it. like you said, we are not kids anymore. we have the language and skills to identify these things and communicate them.

[@newdiffrentbetter]

"Why are you exercising your access to me?" I'm dead 😂😂😂🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 You're speaking to my soul 🤗🤣

[@unwrittenbylj]

8:29 I do indeed lack communication of my boundaries 🥴😩🙈 somehow it feels rude to tell people to leave me alone (which I really want to lol) but what you’re saying makes perfect sense! Instead of being annoyed at them “doing too much” I need to express what I need or what I’m truly comfortable with. I truly appreciate you making this point, definitely something I’ll work on!

[@marioanalevy]

Yessss exactly, but I’m now learning that I better communicate at the start because otherwise I will literally just end it 😭

[@emilyonizuka4698]

I still haven't watched part 1 because I am textbook dismissive avoidant and am not ready to be called out but here I am, ready.

[@aielianna]

SAME

[@agalla2456]

a therapist could never, this was crazy thank you wtf

[@LadyCandion1]

a therapist probably did to get get Jade to this point. It took me getting honest about myself with my therapist to get some real painful but honest advice from my therapy journey

[@agalla2456]

@@LadyCandion1 you're right, I should've said "my therapists have never" lol Jade is hella smart to be able to articulate it as well as she did too

[@feels1510]

Like REAL next level 😮‍💨

[@pixiebomb28]

As an anxiously attached person who had to *painfully* end things with an avoidant earlier this year, this video was so validating

[@caddymac3]

The problem with being that way is that the avoidant will tell you they need space. But if you're not available when they're ready. They'll just go to the next available person. So if you want to deal with an avoidant. Just know you're basically in an on-call relationship.

[@melliemu123]

so insanely true oh my god lmaoooo

[@THEEStickyxbootz]

This really hit home for me. I almost recoil when shown affection and never understood why until now. The gift thing stood out too. On rare occasions I’ve gotten someone a gift because I was thinking of them, and I sometimes see their positive reaction as “doing too much”.

[@idkwuzgoinon]

avoidant attachment style rise up

[@MmmSoulCare]

All I heard was “stand up!” 😂

[@sensiivee4477]

nah yall need to stay down 😭

[@michelle.tuv.nguyen]

rise up to go to therapy together

[@-441-]

@@sensiivee4477 FACTS! 💯💯💯💯🤣🤣

[@Signedxlisa]

what saddens me about being an avoidant is that ppl call us narcissist like damn

[@PS-xb9hc]

It's because of the love bombing;)

[@malaykav]

Jade I’m barely half way through this video and the amount of times I’ve had to pause and rewind. Whoaaa it’s like you’re talking directly to my soul. Every single point. I think I’m very avoidant but when I meet someone new and I’m expressing myself and my needs I feel like I sound like such a nag so I find I either turn it off and step back or bend to their needs (begrudgingly so) and at that point their presence starts feeling unsafe and we end up drifting away verrrrry quickly. Which is exhausting. I definitely have work to do. Thank you for this!

[@professlch6347]

I know I've given Jade hours' worth of replays, because EXACTLY this!

[@marioanalevy]

Frrrrr like it’s to the point where my eyes are watering cus I’m like wtf 😭how can you speak so direct to the thing that I don’t even understand

[@PsychedPerspective]

Yes!!! Let people know who you are from day one. What gets on my nerves is the avoidant I’ve dealt with will introduce you to a vibe they know they can’t keep up. So basically stop lying and front about who you are. Hence the love bombing its like you are putting on a fake personality and then mad when ppl expect you to be the same person you lied about being in the beginning. Red flag 🚩

[@PsychedPerspective]

And this goes both ways lol bc anxious attachment types do the same thing!!!

[@-441-]

yup!!

[@velvetnebula]

You’re doing the Lord’s work with this one! As a hetero demisexual cis woman who was once anxiously attached by default but has done active work towards becoming securely attached (but still attracts avoidant types 😭), I applaud and salute you. Hearing this articulated from your point of view is so helpful, and I know that if I feel this way, others do as well. Thank you so much ♡

[@feels1510]

Get another avoidant girl and go bowling once a week 🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣🤣

[@ihavenoname2626]

That would work on me 🤣

[@danihydrant9767]

This is actually the most useful and healthy video I've ever watched about this

[@marioanalevy]

Trust and believe. When I pressed this I was skeptics cus I’m so tired of people on the internet telling me what to do but this right here 👆this was real

[@AlyGhostface]

Yeahhh this is what I needed to hear right now. I am very avoidant and haven’t done much work to figure out any of this (didn’t even know I should know?). I think this will be a great point to work on in my future therapy. Rip my 9-year relationship.

[@QueeniiK]

I think you should elaborate on the differences of being safe and control bc I think thats where the villanizing comes in. The other person may feel they are shifting for the comfort of the avoidant and eventually may feel they’ve coddled the behavior so now they can’t ask for anything more leaving them resentful

[@MsAaannaaa]

cries in disorganized attachment style

[@salkeri]

You just made me realized I am not completely avoidant lmaooo

[@princessbubblegum8442]

Girl , you SPITTIN

[@blkrtist]

at this point i want jade as a therapist

[@shanalewis5514]

The way this resonated with me. Thank you for bringing in another way to work through and better understand this attachment style.

[@alexisboat]

Very god video. Definitely help me stop thinking I was so crazy. Me being an avoidant human being, I was ashamed for feeling these things. My friends never understood my distance but I’ve also never told them why. Why I never respond to texts or never show up at the house regularly. But I’ve also never spoke my truth. I know what to do now and I am no longer ashamed. Ayyye. I f with you!!

[@BakedBiLex]

I have to SPEAK…ugh you’re right Jade, thx for this one

[@lollyland2523]

Wow I needed this more than you’ll ever know 😢 speaking with such compassion and understanding rather than making me feel bad for being the way I am was exactly what I needed to hear rn

[@MarianneMedlin-dz4dz]

1:18 “We learned how to deal with not receiving the love that we needed” That cut to the bone. ❤

[@riddahshahed8809]

Thank you, trying to date as an avoidant can be challenging. I related to so much of what you said.

[@katillack]

This is exactly what I needed. Specifically, hearing that I just don’t know how to receive love. I’m so set on giving it. And have been in a love deficit. Also, your mention about hyper independence and isolation… is the exact wavelength of thinking I’ve been pondering on my own. I’ve been wondering about how the social media dilemma occurring is causing us to isolate and not connect with real human beings who care. Here you are with the answers and preach! So receiving that love back from a partner that’s been with me under a year now, sometimes I have moments where I struggle to accept the undying love she gives to me. And now- I’m realizing this is exactly what I needed and more. I accept it. I love it. I’m grateful to have her. ❤❤❤

[@bebacake212]

Oh my goodness. You are helping me understand myself more. Thank you so much for this. Literally almost cried listening to this. I’ve never felt so seen or heard before. The part about thinking someone wanting to spend time with you is smothering hit me like a ton of bricks because that’s exactly how I react when someone shows interest in me. I can’t wait to start healing that part of me. Thank you jade 🙏🏽❤️

[@ufomechanic11]

Just going through a situation with a woman who must be an avoidant…it’s disheartening because I really want to continue loving her but she self sabotages (out of lack of knowing how to receive love) and I’m too old to journey with her on that. I’ve done it before- it’s draining.

[@theetravelhippie]

as someone healing from an anxious attachment style, I have always attracted avoidant partners. this shed so much insight on the things I have experienced but never understood; or was even able to put words to. This video also healed some of my anxious attachment. self care is key❤ a relationship is NOT your entire life. Thank you 🙏🏼

[@julissa-818]

hey , i just want to say that i first started watching jade (you) after the first avoidant video, that changed how i felt about sharing my avoidant tendencies with my loved ones. yesterday i was also telling some friends about last week’s vlog and stepping into a “hard girl era”. so watching this video right before therapy this morning ? i have many many notes to go to my therapist in literally 30 minutes 😽 im so thankful for jade’s openness about what avoidance looks like and where it comes from ! it’s comforting to see someone keep it real

[@DiegoGrit]

Love the whole video my only thing is the not being avoidant isn’t the answer. It is the answer! As well as not being anxious attachment. Secure attachment is the answer! The traits you mentioned in that portion aren’t avoidant things like taking space to process your emotions and being careful/mindful of who you choose to be your partner. Those are things I feel like everyone should practice especially ppl w anxious attachment style like myself. These are things that should be done but they can be done in an extreme way to where it becomes unhealthy and that would make it avoidant. Just a thought! Love🖤

[@magaisti]

such helpful perspectives! Love hearing about what is on your mind these days

[@AC-mn3zd]

Heavy on isolation NOT being inherently bad! 😮‍💨😪

[@tis4tweety]

I feel so SEEN, HEARD, and Understood. What a beautiful & affordable therapy session 😇💞

[@blairwjones]

This immensely helps me understand a lot of the people closest to me. I am on the opposite pole as an anxious attachment person, so avoidant people have always been a struggle for me to understand! Loved this video

[@zoeaaron]

Jade you are so SMART, that I envy your intelligence. I don't remember a time you've never not had the right word(s) to describe or even speak on something, I'm always just in awe 😍 I truly enjoy listening to you, your opinions are so informed, everything is just a breeze 🤗

[@Taurusiam]

I was in a relationship with an FA and I'm a SA and yooo....what you said hit the nail. It's hard to ignore the patterns that clearly indicate you want to spend time with me, hang out with me, ask me to take initiative and spoil you, water you, and then self-sabotage. Trust me the more I look into these different attachment styles it makes sense why this is happening but at some point as adults and we're creating and going out of our way putting out these fillers and demand to be treated a certain way and then you get it in a healthy matter, you're running. That really triggers the person who has been doing the work on themselves and how to show up in a healthy relationship. So, thank you for acknowledging the importance of holding ourselves accountable.

[@lelainerduh]

Thank you so much for this, I hate when people villainize avoidants

[@honoroneil1715]

Jade yet again nailing some home truths! It’s so refreshing to approach this topic with accountability when it feels like a lot of discourse around relationships actually lacks the relational aspect- that our actions are, in general circumstances, a significant contributing factor to how someone responds to us and we have the power to approach things with better boundaries, compassion and self awareness

[@keeperofkeyz]

this pt2 is everything!!! this is literally how i feellllll and it ain’t nothing but a thing to communicate it!!!

[@smileyface702]

This whole "working with your avoidance" is pure Jungian shadow work and I love it. Wise woman, Jade.

[@princessdenise8659]

Absolutely hate dating avoidants!!! My current girlfriend is an avoidant and we’re just now learning how to communicate with one another but let me tell you it was definitely a heavy lift.

[@aazaria254]

I hate them too.. respectfully… cause it’s like they’ll never like you enough to reciprocate the energy given. I’m good on them💯

[@ama4046]

I'm only at minute 1:50 aaaaand this is gold. Then 2:59 had me laughing out loud (!) My middle name is Melissa ~ but instead of love bombing I just stay silent and stare with the love pouring through my eyes. Which IS. Weirderrrrr _ Love, a therapist

[@formlessdivinity]

that section about not needing to stop being avoidant full stop was so helpful

[@AtaensicMedia]

As an anxious attachment style this is so helpful because it's hard for us to understand. Thanks so much for your candor and transparency ❤

[@aminahclayrine]

watching this video and realizing im avoidant...mindblown and clarity received!

[@tainasmc]

Oh my god are you in my head? This video came up in the most useful time

[@AS-nr4ul]

I really needed to hear this...and probs another stint of counselling 😂

[@mikahist4155]

I'm too avoidant...but it works for me if everybody has its own room in the shared apartment. Don't force yourself to sleep every night in the same bed. Bedrooms are a waste of space imo. I love cooking and meeting in the apartment for lunch or dinner and then connect in quality time. Or meeting at 08:00 in the living room and cuddling , watching tv. Even in relationships and even if we live together: we still need the space and time to miss each other. Where you sit in your own room, which you were free to decorate etc as you wish, and to miss the other person.... I think that's beautiful to let each other's room to be themselves. Love from Europe 💛

[@shania3200]

Ummm my silence been loud throughout each point 😅😅

[@ivannarandall2102]

This was so interesting. I find that my experience with Leo’s is they need a lot of attention and validation (which isn’t a bad thing) and when they don’t get that they think the person isn’t interested in them. I think it’s so important to let me know how you are right off the bat so they aren’t surprised. It’s also normal in lesbian culture to become enmeshed. It’s important to communicate your love language, what you like and don’t like, and your expectations for connections so people aren’t surprised when people are navigating courting and dating differently. I’ve that sometimes in friend circles if you’re asking your woman friend, hey the girl I’m talking to hasn’t texted me at all today what do you think that means? They may say something along the lines of, oh she definitely if ghosting you or isn’t interested because there’s this belief that being intimately attached early on in lesbian culture is a normal thing. I love these conversations. I have been told by a therapist I have a secure attachment style and I have had worries that I’m too “detached” instead of secure despite having reassurance that my way of navigating is normal. These conversations need to be had way more.

[@aileen3267]

This was so validating and refreshing. We (not avoidants) are not mind readers. And a lot of times the Avoidants are not self aware at allll. So the communication gets so lost.

[@jehzanexclusive]

The way I needed thissss

[@cybernicala]

i need a video like this for the anxious attachments 😅😅 i dated an avoidant person and love her so much. she's still my best friend but i had to end our relationship because it constantly felt like neither of us could provide the other with what they needed without harming ourselves

[@MyCalmplxTheory]

This validated my experience with an avoidant. She triggered my anxious ONLY when she became avoidant. She couldn’t understand how she felt and why she felt this way towards me. The love bombing, the suspicion about how she felt and questioning my genuiness, extending them retracting, bread crumbing, gaslighting, it was all too much. I had to let it go but as HORRIBLE as that situation was for me mentally I miss the shit out of her and I credit my feelings months later to her having an easier time detaching her feelings than me. Crazy part is.. I know she still cares but is too prideful cause she know she was difficult. And we both know there’s no future but I can’t stop thinking about her 😓. Damn!

[@bbranch123]

I'm an earned secure attachment style, used to be dismissive avoidant. I will say that everyone should strive to become a secure attachment style. That doesn't mean that your personality has to change, I'm still an introvert, but everyone should strive to be better.

[@tatysplace]

damn, you called me out haha, good thing that i am a receptive person (even when it hurts my ego) to things i need to work on, so thanks jade for the enlightening my shadows.

[@serenity6831]

Incurable avoidant ..always hesitant to but my all into it bc the exit door is so close....

[@ADotEnby]

whole time thought i was anxious….starting to think my problem is more avoiding it and obsessing over not feeling the love 😭😭

[@douse89]

Yea Jade you just got me all the way together. I’ll try my best to implement these tools. Thank you for the video. ❤

[@noluthandodlamini6785]

Oh Jade this just blew my mind about someone I love and made me UNDERSTAND THEM finally...like I was starting to get it but this video just let me know that okay I'm on the right path on just taking them as they are. Wow thank you for this.❤

[@the.lolaverse]

This video was very obnoxiously true for me and made me feel way better . But how do i fix this ? Im always skeptical. And i run away . But i want it. But NOT like thaaattt. And it’s actually alarming at the pace they want to move. And how can i be me??? If all my me time is filled with them? I speak my boundaries but they ladies are NOT taking to that well. So i just decide to literally “say less”.

[@professlch6347]

LOVE this. It's so incredibly SMART. I see you; I'm back on my subbie steeze now. Thanks so much, Lovergirl; the utter THERAPY of this content has me GAGGED.

[@mariee3658]

I never took time to know and love/like myself fr so dating was necessary and has opened my eyes to a lot of who I am and my flaws in order to work on what I need to. For example not asserting boundaries/ stating my needs would still be hard if I didn’t get into the situations and relationships I did in order to see what boundaries I need etc but you’re spot on and I’m taking a lot of notes I started thinking that maybe I’m not so avoidant as I just need to see boundaries for what works for me

[@sweetist]

Oh looking forward to diving into this. Know you gone eat me up!

[@Kevin8soberS]

Out of all the avoidant podcasters and youtubers, YOU JUST GET ME 😩🙏🏾

[@Dmunysfreetime]

I wish I could send this video to my AVOIDANT ex so badly - I feel like this would provide guidance, clarity and some serious relief to him

[@moodymay80]

Hey thanks for the validation and lessons really really needed to hear this

[@amidthechaoss]

how do I like this after every statement!!

[@reginab2348]

I love that u made a video to share your point of view because I find dating these types exhausting and I’ve learned to not even try any more many times I feel like they make me feel bad for loving them which is very confusing and is like a emotional roller coaster I “dated” someone for almost 3 years giving space and allowing him to open up after 3 years I realized he was never going to progress and I didn’t want to put pressure on him so I let it go

[@leemansuleiman5907]

This was reeeeallly helpful. Thank you. Really helps me make sense of ALOT

[@Nycolelo]

Your hair is everything ❤

[@chandawilliams6045]

I needed to hear this. This is helpful. I’m going to have to bring this up in therapy.

[@fudgecmq]

THANK YOU JADE

[@PS-xb9hc]

Omg! This video is literally gold!!!!! So on point!🔥🙏💖

[@atmodlee]

I’m a securely attached person involved with an avoidant.

[@ChangeOfTimesx]

My apologies

[@ACETHEEGR8]

How is that going? 😮

[@velvetnebula]

Good luck ♡

[@melissaawesome9403]

Everything you said is true. Im happy your young and figuring your shit out. Im 43 and just now putting in the work to learn how to work with my avoidant self. Its not fun

[@killdianette]

😢 i know I'm avoidant and it's a deep shame. I feel like im the worst red flag and dont think i should burden anyone with my shit... i know my limitations and my impulses to flee but dont know how to fight them and the few times i tried getting over it, im been hurt deeply

[@bardicindecision]

i was anxious but after a certain experience i have noticed that i've become more avoidant. i'm new to this shit. thanks for the insight

[@TaiteImogen]

lovedddd its interesting to see this perspective as an anxious attachment

[@toyac649]

Now how you just gon snatch my edges off in less than 60 seconds 😱😞 But for real, thank you for acknowledging that about some of us avoidant girlies 💁🏾‍♀️ Hell yeah I deserve and want love, duh?! It just feels weird and makes me want to crawl out my skin when it's presented. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@angelawilmore4166]

Well this was everything I needed to hear 🧠🔥

[@productofvenus23]

I’m avoidant I guess but I really just don’t wanna be bothered with emotional labor so people deem me avoidant

[@bopheloandstuff]

I loved hearing your lived experience of avoidant attachment 👌🏾 Could you also do a take on dating an anxious attachment styled-person if you've experienced it? As someone with anxious attachment, it would be interesting to get a glimpse on it 🤐

[@emmaanastasi6140]

This video makes me feel seen

[@chantelle7332]

u ate with this!

[@marioanalevy]

Everything about this video was straight facts like everything I’ve just felt and been so confuseddddd to the point of ending my first relationship has been explained in this video so yeah…thanks 😂

[@Ayanatheprojector]

Talk your shitttt for the avoidant Jade!

[@poetressjustice]

Not jade reading my soul!!!!!!

[@anthony3000DE]

Also, that’s why some friends (non-romantic love) always ask for shit and as time pass your always there for them and not for you. The person who always seems to have there stuff together to help others doesn’t know how to ask for help or show it weakness.. EMPATHY POINT but just a different dynamic

[@slapto]

This was really refreshing to see as an anxious attacher

[@desireefletcher89]

Loved this 💜❗️

[@DBeasley]

This was such a great video!! I just learned this was actually something that was defined and was I dealing with a guy like this and I didn't understand. Make so much sense...

[@ThrivingNotDying]

I need to work on my boundaries and need and vocalizing them to a partner in a healthy condusive way.

[@R0291-l1l]

Lol honestly i love the idea of avoidants just pairing off with each other, makes me feel safer out in these streets. But unfortunately most avoidants are attracted to anxious attachers. We're all subconsciously trying to get what we never got as kids from relationships and the patterns repeat themselves until/unless we become conscious of them

[@moldbellchains5709]

I’m not even 2 minutes in and I’m sobbing right now and making crying noises

[@TheRealLisasDiary]

OMG thank you! I've ALWAYS felt worthy of love and all the things!!