How Long Does It Take Widowers to Emotionally Heal?

A viewer says her widower wants to marry her after he's "emotionally healed" from the death of his late wife? Is he sincere or is this a clever way for widowers to not commit to a relationship? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.
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BOOKS
Dating a Widower amzn.to/364eg1w​
The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers amzn.to/2ZBQ6c9​
Room for Two amzn.to/39pKfeA​
Life with a Widower amzn.to/2MFv6fx​
Marrying a Widower amzn.to/2Qyf48r

[@RB-gt8bf]

Thank you Able. I came across your channel a couple of months ago when I reconnected with an old boyfriend I dated back in my 20s. We are now in our mid 60s. He lost his wife 18 months ago suddenly. They were married 30 years and together 4 years before this. I am divorced over 30 years and really ready to find love and a committed relationship. I took the leap of courage despite how great it seemed to reconnect with him. I told him what I was looking for in life and was not sure he was able to be that person for me. I felt I would be wasting time spinning my wheels with a man who despite adoring might not be able to see me clearly. I was right. He just told me he would never remarry and the best he could ever give me is friends. He is in grief counseling one/one and a widower group. He has done the memorial tattoo(s) and still lives in their home of 25 years, and her ashes are there. So as hard and disappointed as I am. I know it is best for me to move on because I need the right person to come into my life who is available. Thanks for your insightful videos!

[@Imlookingover007]

My journey is similar to yours.

[@d2svpcfp]

My heart goes out to widows and widowers…and to those trying to make the situation work. So not worth the squeeze. If they’re not clearly displaying acts of being “ready”, they’re not. Again, you shouldn’t have to be trying to figure this out. There are people that are willing to be good to you and give you 100%. You’re worth it….

[@cathyss1384]

Really???hard to find those men who are willing to give you 100%

[@johnkeith2450]

Pulled from a widowed blog posted last month. ''It's so hard to let go of the love of my life. I'm 43 and I'm seeing someone else. It's just hard not to miss him with every kiss and hug I receive from this new person. I silently wish that when I pull back from his face, that maybe I'll see my husband! I love you with my whole heart Ryan! You're my one and only in this life and the next!'' Boy is that guy in for heartache.

[@RG-hf4et]

Wow, I just saw this. Good God, I only hope the guy dating this widow can somehow come to the realization that this woman is only using him as a bandaid for her broken heart & dumps her asap.....This is the crap I have been b*tching about on this website for a long time. There are too many widowed people out there "dating" who have no business dating & are using others "to make themselves feel better" or to mend their broken heart. Hearing this really makes my blood boil.

[@blainebarnhart1080]

Thank you Abel. Your wisdom has proven invaluable to me. I lost my wife of 26 yrs early this year and it was the most intense grief, pain and guilt I have ever experienced in my life. I stood by her through 20 years of decline from M.S. Yet a heart valve failure took her from me. I didn't choose this new reality, but have determined that I want and need to move on. For myself. And, for my children. I believe intensely that it is possible. And I will.

[@johnkeith2450]

Blaine, just know everyone here wishes you the best in what is ahead after dealing with what you have went through. Such a painful loss. Please let us know here how you are doing in the coming months and years.

[@joanzarro2496]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Abel is wonderful and his videos / books bring an understanding of grief, moving forward, opening your heart again and finding happiness.

[@kimturner9309]

Blaine, how are you now?

[@RG-hf4et]

None of us chose our new realities whether you are widowed or divorced. Both need time to recover & figure out/navigate the "new normal." It takes time & shouldn't be rushed. But unfortunately, there are too many out there that rush the process and hurt unsuspecting people who they date.

[@kimturner9309]

@@RG-hf4et then there are those widowers/widows that promise us they are ready to move forward, sleep with us while proclaiming they love us deeply…only to discover we were just filling a void. It goes both ways.

[@christineplaton3048]

I keep meeting widowers young and older, like me...they are not ready for awhile, and any don't want to be. They want their needs met, and no one will be what "she" was. They say they know it will never be the same. They use women and walk away when the woman wants commitment. ...giving in to the physical gets nowhere. They are often highly selfish.

[@chefsuzannn]

Agree Been there. He Then broke my heart still healing

[@christineplaton3048]

They say that healing takes time. Often men feel they had the love of their lives and don't want another romance...all the subsequent work. Free sex is everywhere and they can just turn back into a lustful male. Those that want commitment can have selfish motives. Always the physical is in the blend if what they seek to accomplish. It's a male. Anyway these are very difficult times. Alot of nice men have had prostate issues and are afraid of relationships. Many lonely people. Abel would make a great life coach for lonely men seeking help and harmony in a future relationship. That's it . Get the story right upfront. What are they hoping to accomplish. Protect your heart (body, mind, spirit, soul) while becoming friends and MAYBE you can find a new relationship.

[@rosesyhummingbirds89]

my heart is broken i gave my all and he still gave me the back seat

[@rosesyhummingbirds89]

@@chefsuzannn i feel your pain

[@RG-hf4et]

@@christineplaton3048 Be friends without the sex.

[@johnkeith2450]

My friend Linda Street-Ely lost her husband and two young children in a house fire. She has since married her husband Mike and they have a beautiful relationship. She wrote a book titled, "When We Move To Heaven - A family Love Story" - She more or less reinvented herself after the tragedy and focused on what was ahead and not behind.

[@tlc8925]

God bless her... She's one of the stronger ones... Not allowing the past to rob her from her present and future. Many need to focus on people who have healed instead of drowning in misery.

[@joanzarro2496]

I will read the book. I’m happy she was able to move forward and her new relationship is beautiful..

[@dianaeden3875]

As a widow who has been dating a widower for around 2yrs, I love hearing this. We try to focus on what lies ahead too. That said, we both feel that our late spouses will always hold a special parts of our hearts, but that does not lessen the current love we are developing. We have said that our love is as strong as our previous loves, but just less travelled so far!

[@XrazorstylistXOXO]

A poem from A Widow I’m a widow and I truly believe I’m over my grief. I said it without thinking to a stranger. I was shocked. It is internal. I went through it and breathed it in and excepted and exhaled. With time and forgiveness and I played the month out in my head that he died several times. I had to get through the what ifs. Like what if I woke up earlier or did this or that that day. Or if I did this the week before. The silent nights began passed and the music started to play again and the need to wake up and live my dreams a happy day. I don’t know what life is ahead but when love happens it’s excellent. I became a widow last June but that’s not my LABEL. Just wanted to put this out in the universe ❤

[@johnkeith2450]

If the action, item, word or thought about the past relationship does not strengthen the relationship there is today, there is no room for that action, item, word or thought.

[@rhondawilkins_]

Abel, thank you for continuing to do these videos for WIDOWERS and.... widows! I watch them all!

[@DatingaWidower]

Glad you like them, Rhonda.

[@tlc8925]

Room for Two was a great book!! One of my favorites...

[@janac2881]

Wow. This is the best of your videos At least for me. Thanks. Jana - Texas

[@EllenMartinNYC]

Thank you Abel!! Excellently said, You have helped me. regarding a widower. On the lighter side, I wish we could think of other words for those of us who have lost our spouses."Widow" does not really suit me.Sounds so dark. Love,

[@johnkeith2450]

I cannot think of anything...But then I do not like a widow or widower calling their late husband/wife, "my late husband, my late wife", and then calling their current husband/wife by their name.....The late should be called by just their name, and the current addressed as, "my husband, my wife"

[@EllenMartinNYC]

@@johnkeith2450 Thanks John, I agree, I don't like using "late : either. It's all painful to me.

[@johnkeith2450]

The widow (no children) I dated had been widowed for 15 years from a 14 years marriage, and she still wasn't ready....The deeper I got in with her the more I discovered she had built an identity as the widow of the late _______, and was comfortable there, and all the friends she kept from her married days to him, or made new, were comfortable with her in that role.

[@RG-hf4et]

Sounds similar to my story. Many years have passed and these people will never move onto another serious relationship. That's ok if that is what they truly want and they tell you right up front that is what they want & they just want to date casually or they are not interested in something serious. There is nothing wrong with being UP FRONT. In fact, I commend them for their honesty. But how often does that happen? HARDLY EVER......What isn't ok is dating, getting involved with others in a romantic relationship, even saying I love you, then turn around and say all the excuses we daters here all have heard too many times on this channel ----> "She/he was the love of my life, nobody can replace him/her", "I'm still grieving", "My kids.....", etc......These widow(er)s are just using unsuspecting people for companionship, to fill their broken heart, to fill the void, lessen the loneliness, to make themselves feel better, etc. They will sweet talk you, lure you in, get their fill and all of a sudden you're not good enough for a serious relationship......This is why if one sees you are not making progress with a widowed person & you feel like you are going in circles, then be smart and MOVE ON..... A significant number of widow(er)s will never "be ready" for a walk down the aisle no matter how much time has passed but they will have no problem using YOUR TIME for their own needs.

[@johnkeith2450]

@@RG-hf4et I agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, ''They were the love of my life". "I will never find another like them", and then never remarrying or even date....But to say those things to or within ear shot of the one who loves you now is just devastating to them.....As I wrote to a widow on a singles site who had written about her late husband being "the love of her life".....What healthy man would want to sign on to that??? But told her there is no problem with saying he was the love of the life she had. Now she is looking for the love of the life she now has.....And then acting on those words. Yesterday is over, your late spouse is gone. If you are lucky enough to find love again, treat them as you are lucky to have them...Because you are!

[@phalynwilliams4119]

Thank you both for your honesty and for sharing your experiences. It is deeply appreciated.

[@RG-hf4et]

@phalynwilliams4119 You're very welcome. When I dated the widower, there were no books out there, or websites, no youtube, no one from whom I could get dating advice, etc....Abel was barely getting started when I first found him but by then my relationship with the widower came to an end. I ended up after going in circles for 3.5 years, hoping" things would get better if I was just "patient enough. " I can't get that time back, and I am on here hoping to help anyone not to do what I did. The first 1.5 years were wonderful, and then I realized when problems started occurring, they were mostly "widower related". I realize looking back, the widower was coasting along & I kept hoping things would get better. I want people here to learn from my mistake & not waste time if they are spinning their wheels & not moving forward in their relationship.

[@dinacalenzo1491]

Yes - this happened to me exactly … he bought time .. For nothing - cheated and dumped me … I believe he is now engaged already

[@kush833]

If they are not emotionally ready then don't start a relationship, it's not fair.

[@lisawhite9704]

It's been and off/on in my relationship with a widower. At times we get closer, he pulls away, may not hear from him for several weeks. We spend time together again and a few more months he pulls away. Says he needs to find purpose for his life. I think he's worth a wait, but I don't want to wait forever on something that may never happen.

[@DatingaWidower]

He's not worth the wait.

[@lisawhite9704]

@@DatingaWidower how do you draw that abrupt conclusion ? 🤔 I know this will sound like rationalization, but I've known this man for 20 years before his wife and son passed away within one year of the other. It's been less than 4 years since their deaths. I know this man, his depth of character. I think he's worth waiting for a little longer.

[@DatingaWidower]

@@lisawhite9704 "At times we get closer, he pulls away, may not hear from him for several weeks. We spend time together again and a few more months he pulls away. Says he needs to find purpose for his life. " His behavior says he's not ready. I've seen it over and over and over again. He's using you.

[@Expat-happy-hour]

I am a recent widower. The way I see it is this, I am in my mid 60's , that dating ship has sailed. I could never imagine going on dates with miss Doubtfire or some old pyscho. If you are a young person, then you might have a better chance at falling in love again.

[@dyomidyomilms9291]

Thankyou so much

[@user-kw5dq6pq3g]

Thanks, @datingawidower ! I appreciate the questions and the insight!

[@blueblairsolidbluemainecoo9041]

Abel I’m so confused!!! Please help ! So I broke up with the widower I was dating for the past 3 months. He pulled away so much that pushed me to break up. He agreed saying he wasn’t ready. 2 days after I went no contact he’s messaging me again. Saying he wants to keep talking if I want or if I want him to leave me alone. I like the guy very much but I’m just confused about his mixed signals! What shall I do?

[@jasonkresock2196]

Killer video man. 💪

[@phalynwilliams4119]

Thank you for this video and very descriptive explanation.

[@Tnc874]

The widower that i want to ask out on a date has his name of the other side of his wifes gravestone. But i just want to enjoy his company not get married or anything serious. Im nervous to ask him though

[@KJ-hu9cf]

I think being comfortable enough to ask those difficult questions is key. It allows for the widower to ponder on things he either didn't realize he needed to think about or face things he may not feel comfortable facing. It takes courage on both ends. In saying that, the widower has to want to move on with life, from the pain, trauma, the loss of losing that someone he thought he would spend the rest of his life with. As the new person coming in, it's important to be sensitive and understanding. It's not about you, it's about healing. Healing has to begin in order for the widower to start living life again. Understanding he had a life before you is key. That's where the understanding comes into play. It takes time, patience, and understanding. When he's ready and knows, then you will not have any doubt in your mind.

[@johnkeith2450]

Actually it is about you....You do not have to be treated any less than their late spouse was treated....Ask yourself, did the late spouse have to put up with ________ when they were dating/married to the now widowed? Why are you any different? To be treated different means you will always be seen as less in value than the late spouse.

[@RG-hf4et]

Sorry,K J....We all had a life before meeting a widowed person. Widowed people many times forget that and make their pain bigger than everyone else's. Just bc there are a lot of divorced people out there, what makes you think they aren't in pain, that they aren't grievjng, and that they still carry that pain with them? None of us got married with the intention of getting divorced.........A divorce is the death of a relationship, too, and particularly hard if you didn' t see it coming.......Plus, in someways it can be harder when you have to deal with dealing with an ex-spouse and child arrangements, finances, college, ex-in-laws, etc.....

[@donnapaul4273]

A widower needs to heal and be emotionally ready to engage in a healthy relationships. It’s unfair to the person he/she is dating to be anything less that ready to give 100% to a new person. It’s ok if he/she is not ready. It can take many months or years or even never to be ready. Grief varies from person to person. A widowers feelings do not trump anyone’ else’s feelings who have experienced tragic loss.

[@KJ-hu9cf]

@@donnapaul4273 I agree. If a widow/er is not going to give someone 100% of themselves, then that person must leave. No one forces us to stay where we are not wanted or needed, we stay because of our own insecurities. It's a very slippery slope, it can either work or not work, but it starts with whether the widow/er is fully healed and wants a live life again.

[@KJ-hu9cf]

@@johnkeith2450 if a person whether divorced, widowed, or single decides to not make it about you, then that's your answer. Why do you stay if they are not making you a priority or making you feel like you are a valuable person in their life. Can't fight for something that is not yours.

[@barbarahopkins5944]

Can you remain just friends afterwards? Blocking & going no contact feels harsh if you started as friends. Why can't you end as friends?

[@DatingaWidower]

Here's your answer kzbin.info/www/bejne/ql6olXSNj5KDpa8si=vfwvlKfkmchCHzrc

[@queenpesh3761]

Help! help, my widower says he wants to marry me but in five years! Does that make sense??

[@DatingaWidower]

It means he's not serious about marrying you.

[@robinlesher4981]

I have been dating a widower for almost seven months. He keeps saying he likes things the way they are with us being in a committed relationship. He said he doesn’t know if he wants to Marry again. I would like to be married. Am I wasting my time?

[@missc2091]

Believe him when he says he doesnt want or ready. It best to give him space and dont contact him

[@DatingaWidower]

If you want marriage and he doesn't, then yes, you're wasting your time.

[@CM-B23]

How long do widowers feel guilty for moving on? Forever?

[@DatingaWidower]

if they're ready to move on, they should move past the guilt relatively quickly.

[@annwanjiru3997]

Thanks alot Abel....my question is that I am in love with a widower how do I approach him

[@chefsuzannn]

My now ex widower told me I could never move in with him . His recently purchased million dollar condo was funded by his now deceased wife’s life insurance $

[@lostinamerica7868]

Wow