How to Confront Problems Without Making Things Worse

[@ChristianOne]

Years ago I was helped through my depression by getting small things to take care of successfully. I got a plant that I had to get out of bed to water. Then I got a dog I had to take on walks whether I felt good or not. I volunteered to watch my nephews for an hour or two a week. Gradually it helped me pull out of the dark slump without meds. The small successes and connections gave me courage to step up in bigger ways. My empathy wouldn't allow me to watch a dog suffer, or a plant to wither so my love would get me moving when I had no other will to live.

[@ChelZZZZzzzz]

I wish every therapist was the kind John wants to send people to… but the truth is the majority are not practitioners of integrity, which breaks my heart. Don’t be afraid to shop around until you find a therapist that kindly pushes you toward a better you.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yes. A good idea

[@whygowegabusch120]

100%

[@trevormassoth2802]

Some even have unresolved traumas and foist them upon you, making it worse.

[@CJ-ft9yo]

Never found this a good source of healing, it’s just frustrating and expensive, being told generic stuff I can get free from KZbin. There are some woeful ones out there.

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

2:28 don't let anybody else in your bedroom second of all you shouldn't have to have that issue if you didn't let anybody into your relationship so it's basically when you're sleeping with your husband you feel like there's 10,000 people standing around watching you right there is

[@MisterNightfish]

The first caller keeps saying "I don't wanna hurt him" but there are few things that are more hurtful than what she's doing. Imagine basically faking a marriage for 30 years. Not only is she ruining her life, but she's also prevented him from being with someone who really loves him.

[@mcisanta]

I’ll tell you what she did found a nice man got his security and stability and then she didn’t want to loose those things She never liked him

[@aya123444]

:((((

[@hendersoncrew336]

I believe being joyous, being sexual, being in love are all a choice. You can choose to be all in. It sounds like she is all in but just wants spice back. Has she ever had spice and what did that look like.

[@annipsy2185]

I would say ,for me.... nothing is more hurtful than being lied to. And youd think okay what if you dont know youre being lied to...trust and believe even the best liars slip up or give suspicious vibes. The partner will know something is wrong and keeping it secret just gets more and more hurtful

[@edwo6648]

@@annipsy2185 She has been lying for 30 years to this guy.

[@Taylor15SwiftFan]

Second caller is a total sweetheart! I hope his wife can make it through her struggles. He deserves love and effort in return and wish them both well.

[@Cosmicvzn]

The second caller needs to know he is an amazing human, i love that he cares so deeply for her. Shes absolutely lucky to have someone like that.

[@mallorypaddock163]

I'll bet you anything she's on the Ace spectrum, and never questioned it, never researched it, or educated herself about it. Especially if she's been married for 30 years, long enough ago that none of this was really being talked about. I really noted when she said she's never thought about anyone else sexually or romantically, and each time she had trouble understanding John's analogies. Those analogies probably wouldn't make a ton of sense at first to someone who doesn't feel attraction the way most people do. She sounds like a woman who has accepted what society and authority had always told her about marriage, dating, attraction, and sex. And then assumed that once she was in marriage and it didn't feel like what she was expecting, that that was probably normal. I'll bet some people told her "well that's just how it is, we all don't like X, or Y, or "at first" and she just went with it.

[@americanart2003]

I thought the same!

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

Even if it's for all eternity that's what it is you're sealed to that person forever having a hard time with no I don't have to because I'll never be able to be with him anyway two seperate world now it sucks

[@amandapark7786]

I bet that too. I was raised hyper religious in a cult where there was no sex before marriage. I luckily knew I was asexual spectrum in my teens or at least highly suspected it because I learned the term online. So many of those people don’t learn and only have internalized compulsory heterosexuality. It’s possible she’s attracted to women but doesn’t understand it. But I get big ace vibes. I doubt her husband talking a mile a minute really has anything to do with it. Not for 30 years.

[@DeRocco21]

Chad is an amazing husband. You can hear the excitement in his voice when dr D gives him the tools to actually help his wife

[@theFIRMAMENTalist]

I wish mine cared enough to find tools. It sucks. He literally just described the things that I have needed my whole life. I didn’t even know how to acknowledge I was suffering from this until like a couple months ago, I ran across a podcast that started making sense to me and now my life (that’s in shambles) all makes sense now. I still have feelings I don’t know what to do with.

[@DeRocco21]

2 pearls of wisdom from dr D: asking if someone just wants to vent or wants advice, and using i statements instead of you statements

[@sarahcouture24]

First caller was probably raised by a narcissist or rageaholic I'm guessing. In that scenario, you're not allowed to disagree, to complain, to have needs, to speak your truth, to have your own desires, to EVER make the person look bad or accidentally inflict a narcissistic injury... Y'all are being so hard on her, but she sounds like a kind person who doesn't want to hurt her husbands feelings. Who's been trying to see the positive aspects of him rather than the negative. Who just has never been allowed to do anything but fawn, fawn, fawn her whole life or else suffer the harsh consequences of daring to express her independent honest self. She was probably never encouraged to have her own perspective, that may have been too dangerous in her childhood home. I would guess her inability to tell her husband how she feels strait up is probably an outcome of a highly controlled and stifled upbringing. I might be wrong, by I don't think it's on purpose

[@sabias3932]

Agreed.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

That could be!

[@josephb.7004]

It’s crazy how elaborate of a back story people will create to justify bad behavior of a stranger. Seems to happen most often when the other person shares their gender. Coincidence? Hmm

[@hausofphid3966]

​@josephb.7004 An explanation is not an excuse. Identifying WHY someone does something awful does not justify the awful behavior. It's important to understand why people do things, even if the behavior is inexcusable.

[@josephb.7004]

@@hausofphid3966 sure, but then you don’t use excusing language, such as, “I don’t think it’s on purpose”

[@hightunnel2723]

Second caller. I loooooove hearing that the husband is concerned for his wife’s anxiety. It’s such a balance of being responsible yet loving at the same time. It really sounds like he’s been trying to do what’s best for him, her, their marriage. I respect him very much for being so receptive to your advice and ideas. Great segment 👍🏼

[@leslienelson438]

Tell the truth always no matter what. I had a husband who when I tried to talk to about this or that would get super angry and not want to talk. Because of this I lied about certain things. He's gone now and I wish I could have told him the truth-it's so important

[@analafee-diaz7499]

The first caller situation…Wow. I recently spoke to my brother about this topic. He is about 13 years younger than me, 25, and dating. He has a big heart and has dated women that he likes being around and wanted to help. Companionship is great, friendship is great, good qualities are great, but attraction is also very important! By many people it gets overlooked. I’ve been married for almost 9 years and I’m more physically attracted to my husband now than I was when we first got together, and it was there initially for sure. This lady admitted to not being sexually attracted to him for 3 decades. That’s a rough place to be in… for both of them! On top of the long list of things she doesn’t like about him. If she has really felt that kind of attraction for him, I don’t know if there’s fixing that after soo many years. I really feel for her husband.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Me too, that call was a dark one, that poor husband.

[@lilolmecj]

I feel sorry for both of them. She has some real issues. Also, culturally we have built up a lot of unrealistic expectations around sexuality and desire.

[@Ss-dz6cm]

I feel sorry for both of them. I am very attracted to my husband, and I have never lied to him, but the sex is not good for me. He has never in any way gotten me to orgasm in 30 years. Sometimes I wonder if it's us; like, are we doing something wrong and we could both find that with others and have missed out. Most times, I just feel like there is something wrong with me, and the grass would be just as brown on the other side. I truly, deeply, love my husband, and I have longed for the amazing passion with him. It is really hard to keep interested in doing something that is entirely for him, that instead of relaxing me, leaves me aching for a release that I have to find myself later and then feel guilty about. I also have done all the things, doctors, therapists, meds, pelvic floor therapy, books, etc. I haven't lied. I haven't faked since the early years before I even knew what an orgasm was. The faking wasn't intentional. I just didn't know what I didn't know. It's hard because I either have to accept that it's something with him, or there is something wrong with me. Both are painful.

[@mamadoom9724]

The second caller actually made me cry because I suffer from multiple mental issues including awful anxiety that actually makes me unable to hold a job at this point. My husband has been so supportive and encouraging me in small easy ways to branch out and do something, but he’s not putting pressure on me in a scary way. It almost feels like my husband took this advice because he’s been doing exactly what dr Deloney said to do.

[@shsbk4615]

I agree that there are things that need to be identified with the spouse as to why the caller's situation is like this. If the husband is no longer as attractive for any reason due to any verbal abuse or kind of neglect, then the caller needs to set priorities and make the right decision for herself.

[@trevormassoth2802]

I love the format of this show. Its been so helpful for how i approach parenting and my relationship with my wife. Life changing for sure

[@aprilbarton2157]

2nd caller… love Jon’s recommendation of what my husband and I call “skin therapy.” We’ve been married for 30 years. We found this so good for our marriage starting about 10 years ago. It connects us even when we are so so busy.

[@kellymorehouse4561]

John, I heard you say that no one can you what they want. All I want is to be loved. Came from a totally abusive home and didn't know i had any rights so I've tolerated abuse, some i didn't recognize as abuse. My spouse tells me he loves me but a person knows if they're loved and he's too self centered to love. In our two different churches good Christians tell me how much he loves me and how I don't appreciate him. Yes I've shared with him what the issues are and he tells professionals he is willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. I've been to a pastor and a marriage counselor that my spouse saw first and when I came in they tore me apart verbally and he sat there like he didn't know what was happening. Total of 47yrs together. When you don't learn basics growing up you spend your life struggling to learn and be accepted

[@sunjewel9064]

Is he a sociopath that always controls the narrative?

[@ChristianOne]

I went on Amazon and looked up "Workbooks to heal from codependency," "Workbooks to heal inner conflicts," "Workbooks for Self-Love," "Workbooks to heal after abuse," "heal the inner child workbooks," "Workbooks for life transtion, pivoting, or creating a whole new life from broken pieces." Then I picked out the ones with the highest reviews that looked most inspiring to me. I bought at least 1 book from each category. (Aprox $100). Then, I decided to spend at least 1 hour per day filling out workbook questions. Intuitively working on one at a time. I do it with my peaceful view of the trees with my morning coffee. Sometimes I spend extra time on it. The workbooks give me more focused direction than most therapists ever would and I am determined to fully heal even here in middle age. I pray, I ask God for help to get to the roots of the issue, to help me heal and live the life I was born to live for the time I have left. (I also read the Bible too 🌺). Maybe this idea will help you or someone else too and we can all heal together in a way. I'm sorry for all involved in abuse. Cruelty of any kind is NOT love and we can at least learn to treat ourselves better and stay away from mean people as much as possible. I have been celibate, not dating at all for several years now and I will remain this way the rest of my life if necessary. If I can be healthy enough to enjoy a healthy relationship, then great, but no more wiggle room for mean people...they aren't allowed and I am not allowed to abuse myself anymore either. ❤

[@keysharamos-qf8pt]

Yeah

[@jacobkennedy1065]

I would like to add something to the response of the first caller, and this is something Dr. John has mentioned on a recent caller. You must understand that your husband has every right to respond in his own way. You may get lucky and together you can resolve and overcome the 30 year long façade that you put on. Or you may get unlucky and he wants nothing to do with you ever again. Or you might get something in the between the two. But it's his right to respond in the way he responds, regardless of whether it's something you like or don't like.

[@Molly.Blaylock]

Second call: this warmed my heart, and Im going to share this segment with as many people as I can. And I encourage others to as well. John- freaking awesome advice. 👏 Chad- what an awesome example of how to love your wife. Just. Freaking. Awesome.

[@KellyK1000]

Such an amazing job John in process of digging down with 1st caller!!! Wow! Great advice

[@jcstuart6978]

Cultivating desire takes a real strong connection. Most men think the strong connection is the result of a great sex life, when actually it’s the opposite.

[@RepentImmediately]

I think compatibility is the key to a great sex life... regardless of connection, if you and your partner aren't into the same things, it's gonna be difficult to have great sex.

[@jcstuart6978]

If you and your spouse aren’t compatible you had no business getting married and yes connection is going to be an uphill battle as well 😂

[@OopThereItIs77777]

@@RepentImmediatelywrong. Women need emotional connection or we are not into it. If you’re not helping, not making us feel beautiful & valued, if you’re not an active dad & planning dates while we run the house…no, we don’t. I don’t care how compatible we are. Women are emotionally turned on first & foremost

[@Ellely143]

For the first caller, the advice was if you don’t have a passionate sex life it’s okay to leave and move on. Isn’t this is the excuse when spouse cheats with someone else? People want passion and great sex but that doesn’t happen the longer someone is with someone. Also when new and shiny is more exciting.

[@JennieC21]

@@Ellely143 exactly! Double standards

[@nathaliebasile6168]

Jennifer thank You 🙏 for bringing truth into your family … you are the light ..

[@karenhultgren7810]

First caller does not seem to know herself at all. IMO she needs to get in touch with herself. I hope she finds a good therapist.

[@harrietbaker4484]

I love it when my guy asks me for help. It makes me feel part of him and that I have something good to contribute to the relationship that he appreciates. It is fuel to me.

[@marciwilliams8654]

Tell your mate you have not been attracted to him for your entire 30 year marriage?? The heartache that will cause may not be repairable. How can he ever trust anything she says again? Sorry John... I think honesty needs to be spoken, but to say "I have never been sexually attracted to you and I have faked it for 30 years" is probably going to result in disaster that cannot be repaired.

[@Qwackdawack]

So true thats just mean Ii bet she will crumble when he wants a divorce

[@candyluna2929]

The 1st caller: you don't magically get it. Both need to accept it and move on.

[@MarieZ17833]

Second caller is amazing!

[@carolcastellaw6633]

Ouch..too much hesitation w/ that first caller..doc right...why wait so long

[@maritahartmann591]

This is one of johns best shows. Great advice all arpund.

[@MeB___h]

I've always wanted to call in on this show! He sounds like such a good friend.

[@marshareed1438]

First caller. That’s the BS that my ex did to me! I dealt with 30 yrs of deception. Who’s the bad person? The liar!

[@TheEquiss]

This first caller was kinda my situation. I was married 35 years. Mine was ok but he turned into an absolute pervert. It became completely disgusting. He wanted to do suck crap and wanted other people involved. He constantly wanted disgusting crap I refused to do. Then if you didn’t perform good enough or make enough noise or …on and ons and on it just became gross. Then if he didn’t deem it was good enough there came the hours and days long constant nagging and accusing me of cheating. I got sick of it. I could’ve gone a week straight and never go anywhere alone and he swore I was cheating. Fast forward-I found out he was cheating with women AND men and doing all kinds of disgusting stuff. I finally filed for divorce. Been 3 years now that I’ve been single. He died less than a year after the divorce. I will never ever ever get involved with anyone again. I will never share a bed with anyone. It’s just too demeaning, disgusting and gross. Don’t miss it at all. Being single is SOOOOOO much better.

[@priscilamaeli1]

I'm so sorry that all those horrible things happened to you, sweetheart. It hurts now but don't say never. You DESERVE to be loved in honesty and integrity and there are men about there looking for these same qualities in a woman. Be well ❤

[@TheEquiss]

@@priscilamaeli1 nope. Absolutely not interested in ever dealing with anyone again. I have a full life. I am retired from my job, retired early. I am financially able to easily live on what I make. I have a recreational program I run, and I have lots of hobbies and interest. I will never ever deal with anyone in bed again. It’s just not worth it. The last three years have been wonderful.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Sounds like a porn/sex addict... more and more men are suffering from this, increasingly over the last 20 years. Its sad because it is most men at this point.

[@katherinealba6768]

You were sexually abused.

[@angelicadelashmette803]

Wow that’s really sad your life was so wasted for so long that you’re wanting to be alone the rest of your life. Always makes me wonder if people are miserable why they don’t end things sooner.

[@dannwhitehead6193]

The first caller has cut her husband down to the point he has stopped trying. She probably reprimands him in public and belittles him. She says she wants romance but the things he likely does for her are rejected.

[@RepentImmediately]

You're hearing what you want to hear. She literally chooses not to tell him how she feels because she's cowardly. Reprimanding would be a step up from what she's doing.

[@OopThereItIs77777]

Sounds like you were hurt

[@dannmurray1199]

You obviously didn't listen to her. She's trying to spare his feelings and your judging her by saying she probably reprimands and humiliates him in public. Here's the societal problem with sex....men label women as evil if they're not easily sexually coerced, manipulated or bribed. You would be surprised at how many woman don't really prioritize sex in a relationship but value more honesty, friendship, trustworthiness, etc. Where the ridiculous notion that a man can validate, acknowledge, "show his love and devotion" just by slamming her is beyond my compression. Tired of men using sex as a connection voucher.

[@JennieC21]

@@dannmurray1199 👏🏼 💯 agree

[@SeraphTheHost]

1000% bingo! It's a lot easier to reprimand and maintain control than to be vulnerable and be honest that you are the problem. Don't forget the husband is the victim here, and we are talking to the abuser. Am I projecting? Absolutely, but my wife and I are building something new and honest!

[@matthewbrandon931]

John you should write a book on this subject. Bet it would sell like hotcakes.

[@christinah.8504]

first caller is married to someone who makes good money and doesn't want to give that up and knows her husband will divorce her, re marry and someone else will be married to him. She doesn't like but also doesn't want him to have anyone else.

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

Possible

[@gerafinali4384]

I doubt

[@JennieC21]

That’s just speculation. Maybe he’s a selfish lover and just gets his own pleasure and not bothered about hers or maybe he’s just really bad it 🤷🏻‍♀️ or maybe he’s not very pleasant in general or with certain situations and she just didn’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️I agree it was a conversation they should have had a long time ago but they didn’t. Everyone’s saying she’s selfish and he has ‘missed out’ but maybe the problem was his and that’s why she didn’t want to. It’s all speculation, none of us know the full story

[@roselolagne6642]

I wish I could send this to her for her to hear how much he loves her. What a incredible partner.

[@annea6288]

" you treat him like a pet" 😂😂😂 I bet her cat or dog is fetching more attention and admiration. 😂😂😂

[@titifash74]

Dr D's response to caller one proves why she has not been able to have an honest convo with her husband..pressing her on what she wants like that is uncomfortable...Dear men, if a woman says she is not sexually attracted, it's simply that you are not making her reach orgasm, you are not paying attention to her whilst sex is going on...foreplay etc..its not about washing plates or picking up kids...

[@zuri4life]

Sadly, I relate with caller 1. Been married for 10 yrs, 5 have been sexless as I just can't get into it. My husband does a lot around the house, is an active dad, involves me in all he does and I the same. HOWEVER, he is not romantic at all. Over time, we have become best friends with no romance. I've brought it up to him a few times in many different ways but he doesn't get it which leaves me frustrated and irritable. Often he gets upset because he feels he does a lot as a husband. I don't want to upset him or nag him or beg for affection so I've stopped bringing it up.

[@11_pawz]

@@zuri4lifeI’m the husband in caller 1. Been married 8 years and I can’t get my husband to have sex with me. It’s just a few times a year. I’ve talked to him about it many times and nothing really changes. So I’ve just stopped bringing it up. It hurts more and more to make myself vulnerable to the same person who can’t seem to listen or care about my desire. So I just clam up. Marriage is definitely not what I was taught it would be. It’s very lonely.

[@starlingswallow]

I can completely relate to Jane, 1st caller. I don't know if she has a similar upbringing (abuse/neglect) and/or if her husband is emotionally abusive and unsafe, but....here's the deal: When a woman has SUCH a low sense of self worth and identity (due to FOO stuff), she goes into relationships and marriage with the idea that she has to be _everything_ for her husband and she is trained not to think of herself at ALL. Before and after kids. She was never taught about her body, but was taught by society (books, movies, church, parents, etc) that women are at the service of men and sex is alllllllll about the guys needs. We aren't taught to explore our bodies or even ASK for what we want in the bedroom, and if we DO, we feel like a bother! I take to long to O, he's not romantic so I feel bad asking him for romance....etc, so many women just lay there or give the hubby what he needs and act like we are totally fine with OUR needs being neglected. This is what I saw in my parents marriage. 😢 (not the sex part, I'm just assuming daily life dynamics bled into their bedroom stuff as well). In my first marriage, like Jane, I was LYING to myself AND to my ex! (Who was severely abusive). For me, it wasn't safe to share what I needed. If I did, he'd rage out. I thought that kind of marriage was normal and that's just how it is. Everyone saying "Marriage is HARD!" 🤦🏻‍♀️ I am remarried and from the get go we have had honesty on the table, no holds bar. We do it with love and kindness. THIS very thing opens up the flood gates for amazing intimacy!!! Jane, I hope you decide to lay it all out on the table for your husband. I know it's going to be hard, but better late than never. I bet he is t happy either and feels as lonely as you do! To be intimate and it rock, there needs to be connection and safety, and with him not really knowing you, the real you, the you who is annoyed by a lot of what he does, of COURSE he is t going to ring your bell! He doesn't know you because you've been lying to him, and yourself, for 30 years. 😢 My heart breaks for you both. Biggest key here: YOU are NOT RESPONSIBLE for other peoples feelings/actions/responses. Your job is to be you and be honest, and do it kindly and respectfully . I'm so sad because this convo could have happened years ago and the two of you might have had a better life, apart or together. And your kids have been watching this dynamic and FEELING the emotional atmosphere in your house and this teaches them that THIS is what love and marriage is supposed to look/feel like😢 If you aren't happy, and he doesn't want to grow and change or learn what YOU like in the bedroom, just leave so the both of you can be happy instead of you both being miserable 😢

[@SaystheTruth3]

@@dabd8175 Exactly! She's shouldn't have married him period! She wanted to be "married" and have children & the house with the picket fence... She isn't into him at all,... Never was... She doesn't even like him. It's that simple!

[@Bav92]

yea he got fooled. I feel bad to see so many good guys not be able to vet their partners during dating. We have to be better in this society to teach young men to read what's going on @@SaystheTruth3

[@ChelZZZZzzzz]

If you don’t read it you can’t tell anything. Dadb… I think you might be a cute lil troll.

[@ChelZZZZzzzz]

Thank you for saying something thoughtful and compassionate. @starlingswallow

[@sfappetrupavelandrei]

​@@dabd8175Actually you are wrong. I thought the same and after reading she clearly didn't defend the wife for not saying nothing for so many years.

[@dahliacheung6020]

The first caller's husband's situation is an absolute nightmare. I think I'd almost rather die than realize after three decades that my spouse never liked me and was never attracted to me. How does this even happen? Why would someone do this or be content to live like this?

[@SuperChambala]

The second call was beautiful ❤

[@chrislim7976]

The gall of that women being dishonest to her husband for 30 yrs about something central to marriage then call in to ask what do I do.

[@marta150]

Its like a frog in a pot that gets hotter and hotter. After a while where you are is where you stay.

[@christinamo7]

1st caller. SMH. If she were my girlfriend I’d have told her would you rather risk living the rest of your life without a wild sexual relationship or without your best friend? And then I’d tell her to be real specific about one thing she needs from him romantically. What did he do when he was dating that was different? Kiss her more? Hold hands? Open doors? Be specific

[@xyzforum]

Second caller is an ANGEL, I couldn’t believe how sweet and down to earth he was.

[@ggrace1133]

This is such a common issue. Women really desire a man in the beginning because he says and does so many awesome things that stoke our emotional intimacy needs which feed our libidos. But we get married and those things go away almost immediately. Then pregnancies and hormonal upheaval and exhaustion for the next 18+ years that kill more of our libidos. So we fake our way through sex for THEM because we love THEM and they have constant sexual needs. But they do not meet our emotional intimacy needs-hell, they don’t even think they’re real. So our low libido just keeps drying up. Love dies folks. It takes two. Both. Good for her for sticking it out for 30 years without him doing what she needs to desire him. I’m proud of her! But now, Lady, go find someone who will be willing to validate your emotional intimacy needs. That’s where her connection lies. Men don’t understand how critical emotional intimacy is for women. Do the things you did while dating-it really is that simple. When you stop, desire for you dies. It’s that simple. It’s that real. That honest. We’re so tired of pretending desire because you guys get so angry and defensive and mean when we tell you we need the things you said and did when we dated. You reject our needs quite loudly, but think we are heartless bitches when our libido dries up. Our libido for you, anyway.

[@Courage10.18]

That sweet sweet gal doing the hard thing to protect her younger brother and cousin! The generations she is making emotionally healthy by quitting the game. I’m praying her dad does the right thing by choosing his son. God bless her courage, her brother’s and cousin’s courage too.

[@kevinmclaughlin3088]

Well, maybe now she will be courageous, and I will applaud her for it. But up until now, she has been a coward. I don't say this in a judgemental tone. Fortunately I have never been in her position, so I can only hope I would do the right thing. But it is honest to say that, up until now at least, she has been a coward.

[@ac9448]

I feel so bad about caller 1's partner. She spent 30 years wasting his time. How selfish

[@cathleenhayes8214]

That’s insane. You don’t have a clue. You cannot fathom the pain she’s in. Both sides are responsible!

[@GlimpseIntoTheirNatures]

​. I have no clue if anyone is insane due to their opinion. However, without that first sentence your point is as valid as hers.

[@mico77720]

The first caller is such a coward. What she needs is courage training.

[@jghetto85]

Delulu as well, hiding the truth and taking away possibility of him moving on with his life is causing hurt obviously. Using this as argument, that she had his interest in mind is BS.

[@tomnohmy1273]

I confronted big J and it went south quick, kidding, Dr J is awesome

[@lancobear3544]

1st caller is lying. Shes bringing up the sex issue now because she has a specific person in mind that is getting her all hot and bothered.

[@JustActNormal]

First caller omg. You wasted this guy's life on purpose

[@diggernash1]

And John's advice...he needs to give her everything she asks for and see if she falls in love. Insanity.

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@diggernash1somebody didn’t listen… that was NOT all of John’s advice. One, it was to be truthful to him and THEN speak needs out and vice versa. First she has to be honest though!

[@diggernash1]

@@flashthecorgi2053 I heard it and it was aimed at the majority female audience. He's invested 30 years of providing(unless she was the bread winner), she owed him true passion in exchange for that entire time. He shouldn't put an ounce of additional effort I to her. Move along and find a younger model to have fun with.

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@diggernash1I don’t disagree with you but John’s advice wasn’t just to tell the guy to give her everything. He started the whole convo with stop lying and sit down and tell the truth!

[@brooke9847]

Yes because not wanting to hurt her husband is wasting his life 🙄I agree she should have been honest much sooner but let's not act like she withheld this information out of selfishness. If she was willing to see doctors and therapists about it she obviously cares about him and was trying to fix it on her own.

[@amyamy1727]

@DrJohn, BetterHelp is expensive and will not accept insurance. That’s saddening.

[@sharonburling2262]

With regards to the first caller, John didn’t address the fact that the husband may not be willing to work on the marriage after finding out that his wife has been lying to him for nearly 3 decades! That was a massive shock that he overlooked that massive issue!

[@masaniazura2131]

I've met SO many women who dread having sex with their husband. They didn't like themm. I was stunned. Why did she marry him? She doesn't like him! ALSO, we women are taught a double standard to being sexual. In one sense, it's taboo, naughty, nasty, you're to avoid it at all cost and them POOF! You get married and you're supposed to "turn on" and have sex...and be a "naughty girl". She's "hard wired" now. She has to learn how to be a new person and learn that sex is AWESOME and necessary.

[@Bav92]

Read the great sex rescue especially if there is a religious background. Also... being embarrassed of your spouse is just SO backstabby I can't even

[@MsNimGirl]

That first lady is in denial about her sexuality. I hope she finds peace.

[@RepentImmediately]

You think she's asexual or lesbian?

[@mcisanta]

No she’s a narcissist

[@nataliabusko1432]

@@mcisantanah, she is asexual

[@dahliacheung6020]

The third story- that man is dangerous. I believe those poor little boy and the fact that they haven't had any support, especially the cousin who was physically sexually harmed by his own FATHER. No nonono. As a CSA survivor this is all kinds of hell no. Two accusations is two too many.

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

1:54 putting Humpty together again

[@yesseniaduran921]

First caller: first, why the hell did you marry him? Second, why stay after so long.

[@maritahartmann591]

I thought John was going to start crying on the first caller...

[@carolt403]

First caller doesn’t like herself and seems like she’s not pleasant to be around

[@MugglesUnited19]

When the lawn needs mowing I legitimately just tell my husband oh I’m going to mow the lawn it’s getting bad. He does it in 24 hours. 😂

[@rk6032]

Please, first caller. Let that husband go. I have ADHD. I have had a partner that was embarrassed of me sometimes. Never again. My husband doesn't make me feel that way.

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

I am not surprised a lot of older marriages struggle with sexlessness. Same sex attraction was taboo till recently, so lots of people settled for friendships and assumed there was nothing more to life.

[@OopThereItIs77777]

lol not even what this about. Don’t try to twist this into some creepy wrong mess. She doesn’t like the man. Period.

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

@@OopThereItIs77777 here you are taking the moral high ground while calling same sex attraction “creepy,” that’s the same thought pattern than keeps people in sexless marriages

[@dp2120]

John was off base on the first question. It was a huge jump to say the lady didn’t like her husband or didn’t find him funny.

[@AbidingHopeMentalHealthCoach]

Not telling a spouse something because you’re afraid of hurting their feelings is the worst thing you can do. Well, maybe not the worst thing, but it’s right up there with the five worst things for sure. My husband would often be hurt by something I said- a function more of his own history of trauma than of my intentions. There was nothing I could do about his feelings. Especially when I didn’t know about them for weeks. Finally, he would get around to telling me, 4 to 6 weeks after the fact, at which point, I would clarify what I meant, or apologize if I had really done something wrong. Either way, the damage was done. He finally moved out. Said he couldn’t be married to me anymore. I’m not saying I have no blame, but I tried really hard, and he didn’t. What else can I do? I hope that if he remarry someday, that he will learn to be honest with his spouse.

[@espiritualme2048]

30 years faking????? 😮😮😮How is this possible????

[@pamkramerkohut3616]

Well done you!❤

[@mykibalzy]

She's a people pleaser 😮

[@jessnoske3020]

If the ADHD wife has been to therapy before (possibly before being diagnosed) she may have a really bad experience of it. I had to quit counselling because I was being treated as a NT person, and the frustration was just too much.

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

And I could never get enough of mine so I know I was never one of those that ever had to experience that unfortunately gratefully sold I couldn't imagine not being able to do that it just must be absolutely true to you that somebody would take that of Liberty away from you

[@pinsneedles1743]

The recommendation for the second is what the first needs.

[@shellyb5014]

The first caller is so frustrating! She needs to find herself and let that man go find someone who loves him.

[@Mimi-Mimi668]

Last story: I would straight up set up a one on one with the uncle and have a conversation about it. If he refused to meet up then that tells a lot

[@mr.e7261]

I’m pessimistic by nature. 30 years in and you say you don’t have attraction towards me? I wouldn’t believe anything you had said or ever would say again. That poor guy I hope he can heal from that.

[@marilynnelson3559]

She tried fixings it. She took on the responsibility for it. Im just asking, but how many women loose interest in sex?

[@mysterio1570]

Jane sound’s bored with Mr Jane. I don’t see how she gets out of this without divorce.

[@sfappetrupavelandrei]

Divorce is definitely on the table. But not because Jane is bored but because Mr. Jane will be pissed for being lied for 30 years. Well, I would be pissed and too old to waste my time with a woman like that.

[@skaziblu]

She said 30 years but said she was attracted to him when dating. They are trapped in a rut. Sexless marriage rut its really common and fixable. She just doesn't know qhay caused the loss of attraction.. roommate syndrome.

[@chosenone9074]

I would have asked the first caller: Do you have children together? How many children? Anybody with chronic conditions that they have to care for? What type of work do they do? When did she realize that she was not into him? These things will give me a good idea of what has been happening in that marriage. If she needs romance to be into him, the romance has not been there. The reason is why. ADD or ADHD does not remove romance from a relationship that is being worked on.

[@allil87]

Thank you.

[@marshareed1438]

He don’t think that he asked the first caller what she was getting out of the marriage. People don’t get in a marriage or stay if they’re not benefiting somehow! …

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

10:22 the second part the b******* part about that was of what I said about mine and all of a sudden she slipped a f****** script on herself you cannot do that

[@susannebrowning7708]

Regarding the first caller… I have never been attracted to men I do not respect. She does not respect her husband in general.

[@Cosmicvzn]

That first call wow, I understand her but 30 years? Too long

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

1:41 do the Humpty hump

[@Diashi1267]

First caller probably is just bored of being married and so is retroactively rewriting the past in her mind (self-delusion) to convince herself she was never attracted to him so that she has some pretense to get out and sleep around because she can’t admit to herself the truth that she’s just bored of him

[@aya123444]

She doesnt even love him. Adhd things? Bye. WHAT DID U GET OUT OF IT? money. Security. Cpmpany. Run out of loneliness

[@Hazel.Eyed.Gemini]

No sex offenders allowed in my home. More than one accusation is guilt to me.

[@mrsh2167]

first question do you experience O in any way?

[@akiser123]

Wanting sex and to he passionate isn't a bad thing. Wanting to feel passionate with your partner isn't bad. I think the first caller came from a family/home of origin that didn't think/talk/deal with any of those feelings and shamed them, which mau be making it difficult for her to feel those things with her husband. She doesn't know how to explain that and how her body is shutting down due to shame, so she's lying to try and spare her husband's feelings, which makes things so much worse. People equating her trying her best with the tools and training she had to wasting his life are being extremely harsh, as this is fixable situation as long as she is able to put aside the shame she feels and explain things to the husband she loves in all other aspects. I mean, you don't go to therapy, try different methods, and call into a show like this because you think you're doing great. You do all of that because you love your spouse and you don't know how to give them what they're asking for because you lack the tools. She's not malicious or conniving. She's human, as we all are.

[@katharina5159]

Dont be so hard on the 1st caller, it is easy to judge. This guy has his part in it too I think.

[@tessaoshea5697]

If she's gone this far with him then she's responsible to carry on. You make your bed now lay in it. It's cruel to tell him the truth now and let him know that he's been a clown to her all his life. It's her responsibility. If she can find her way into desire, that's great, but it's her burden. think she just doesn't have sexual feelings. She's curious but not desperate like anyone else would be. Like i wonder what it would be like to smell all the smells my dog can experience- but it ain't happening.

[@tessaoshea5697]

John starts from the position that everyone knows when they're being lied to but that's not true and not all truths need to be spoken

[@marilynnelson3559]

Ok. I was the 1st caller. I felt it was my Christian responsibility to stay married. I wish i heard this logic before. 😢

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

She’s acting like a Mom in how she’s reacting to what she’s complaining about! She has CHEATED him of a life he could have had with someone who really, deeply loved him.

[@trishcooley5810]

There is a good chance that the kids had some, what they feel, interactions with the uncle/dad where the young men felt ripped off or humiliated or he caught them doing something terrible that the uncle dangled as a n😮everending threat wanted to destroy the uncle unjustifiably harsh & accusing pedo of someone is the worst. And then if the cops, both times, found the youths to not sound credible about such an extreme accusation - cops have seen lots of people lie to the extreme & it’s just cuz they hated the person.

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

0:28 0:31

[@joannawert3095]

I don't think anything the first caller's husband does is going to change a thing.

[@ANGELICALLYTRUE]

0:50 why would I want you and everybody else is doing it for me

[@user-bs9mw1cz9o]

The Second Lady is my biggest fear as why as a man I don’t want to waste my time to get married so sad man wasting so much time and years putting a another person thru a lie remind me of my ex gf I was a great guy and she wasted my 6 years it’s a sad world we live in that folks like this exist

[@TheUfm123]

She went through hell . She sounds hot . He probably won this one . We all know at a level if he would spoke up he knows what he would probably find out so don’t ask lets work her guilt .