Julian McCullough - Once Abducted, Twice Shy - This Is Not Happening

After coming home late from school, Julian McCullough lies to his parents and tells them he was almost kidnapped. (Contains strong language.)
Follow Julian McCullough on Twitter: @julezmac
Check out Julian’s new podcast “Your 2 Dads,” hosted with Sean O’Connor: apple.co/2EZcgfr
About This Is Not Happening:
Now hosted by Roy Wood Jr., This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material.
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[@standup]

Think your family is messed up? Think again. Watch comedians share their most ridiculous family stories on “This Is Not Happening:” kzbin.info/aero/PLD7nPL1U-R5pgIBSOJV-fL4uIWR-DZbfI

[@JeffAF797]

He secretly loves Trump but he wants a career so...

[@TheHHBGCrew]

Ok I’ll see how much you feel about

[@TheHHBGCrew]

99

[@colbigodlove2786]

My neighbor saw me in an attempted abduction and I was crying out for help, I looked right at her and she closed her Window, when cops questioned her she said she thought I was crying and the car stopped to help. Be careful people... don't let shit happen.

[@djm6211]

No one cares

[@ynfszvb5]

@@djm6211 ????????????

[@mistaleesreversespeech7728]

Glad you had an angel with you.. that neighbor's evil.

[@colbigodlove2786]

@@djm6211 💜💜😂😂😂

[@spiceyboogerspiceybooger6437]

Well damn.

[@FartsTasteDelicious]

This dude looks like Ryan Seacrest and Blake Shelton had a baby.

[@michaelperry1309]

Ben Affleck and Chris Pratt

[@mrfantastic9966]

Deadass thought seacrest was doing standup

[@EducatedIdiocy]

And Michael Bublé

[@ayexl3706]

Chris Pratt's cousin he sees once a year.

[@icewater4725]

Omg i thought the same thing!

[@pickledfanta]

it’s almost become a talent to perfectly skip the “this is not happening” intros

[@almightysosa3007]

When you get it to start of the stand up every time 🙌🏼

[@joshmo3472]

ZOMG YUSSS

[@moarroz]

*YUUUUUUUUPPPP* (Dave Hester voice)

[@adammanning1805]

I go to 1min exactly.

[@princess4509]

i usually do but this time i didn’t and there was a two toned dick

[@mikeofcetacea]

That girls laugh is a hate crime.

[@siyarg.4900]

That "HAHAHAHAHAHA" Joker laugh?

[@geraldolshaker5535]

Sounds like Sponge Bob

[@draco5555]

satan daughter

[@itz_the_homie_link2219]

I literally had to stop the video cause of that girls laugh... hideous lol 😂

[@DraconicDuelist]

@@siyarg.4900 Joker? That was a goat...

[@mandlerparr1]

When I was 11, some dude tried to lure my friend and I out of my front yard. He was all, "I have beer and cigarettes," and we were so surprised at not being offered candy that we started laughing our backsides off and he got mad and cussed at us and drove off. Then, another time, some guy rolled up on a group of us and asked for directions, and all of us, except one kid, were offering directions at a distance. But that one kid started walking straight at the car, and we are all yelling at him, and his sister jumps forward and grabs his arm and smacks his head, "are you trying to get kidnapped, stupid?" So, we all start laughing and the guy gives up and drives off. Kidnapper or not, no clue, but don't ask kids for directions, it's sketchy.

[@x_VineM_x]

DON'T BE GIVING THEEZ MUTHA FUCKERS TIPS N TOOLS FOR THA TRADE,TF?!?😅😂😅

[@Janiyahdes]

Smart kids

[@hiddenone5456]

Today I learned if you're lost and a adult you should just stay lost, especially if your only option for directions is a group of kids. This is some of the saddest shit I've ever read. What has the world came to. I mean what's the guy gonna do kidnap the whole squad that's just plain stupid? The kids who were giving him directions from a distance are some good and smart kids but you saying don't ask kids for directions in general. That just seems so ignorant to me. I think the lesson is strength in numbers and keep your distance from strangers. Not adults shouldn't talk to children at all. Like maybe he only felt comfortable approaching them for directions because it was a whole group. I know that would put me more at ease to ask them. However sorry for rambling I just feel the statement "Don't ask kids for directions, it's sketchy." is totally naive like the boy who approached a strangers car in your story...

[@mountainlife2411]

My friend and me, not my friend and I.

[@mandlerparr1]

@@hiddenone5456 You know what. Fine, if you are lost in a rural area or out in the woods and the only people around are a group of kids or even one kid, you can ask for directions. But no, not in the middle of a city of a huge city. Just no. There are stores you can go into every few blocks or more. Back then, pay phones with books in them, books which had maps in them. So, unless you are in a situation where there is no phone access and your odds of seeing another human are super low; don't ask kids for directions, it's sketchy. And children have been snatched out of groups, especially back in the day when the kids would have all had to run back home to get a parent (if one was even home) to call the police. It is nice that you didn't grow up in the surroundings that I did, but children were taken in broad daylight, in front of witnesses in many cases. That doesn't happen anymore because children aren't allowed to play outside unsupervised for hours a day and because everyone has a cell phone.

[@aleenayoung7856]

Man has lived a white version of everybody hates chris

[@zarazen8110]

Bahahahaha so true 🤣

[@rosejohnson-tsosie2552]

It cracks me up how kids interpret reality. I have a 40 year old adrenaline junkie son who scares me with his adventures. However, when he was 3 he wouldn't walk over puddles after a rain because he thought he would fall into the sky. Later in life I was the children's director for a domestic shelter. The first thing I enforced was "NO scary movies for the kids". Some of the mom's were using horror films as punishment. Like "You better behave or Chuckie will get you!" I always remembered how my son was confused over what was "real".

[@jacobramsey6393]

Rose Johnson-Tsosie I’m sure your perception of reality is funny too. Probably believe in an invisible man in the sky 🤣

[@brendavargas6098]

Aww imagine there really being such a thing as “sky puddles”, how cute!!

[@Islam4Life09]

Jacob Ramsey was that necessary lol? You must live a GREAT, happy life.

[@ALMUDDY]

What a relief to read..

[@rosejohnson-tsosie2552]

@@Poseidon650 My point that went along with Julian's experiences is that kids don't have a mature understanding of what is going on around them and if they are under 4 they can't tell the difference between what is a cartoon/movie/sky puddle and what is real. For a domestic shelter where kids have had a lot of violence they do NOT need horror movies. They had LIVED horror movies.

[@mdiego2016]

Didn’t understand what everyone was saying about the girl’s laugh and slowly I started hearing it and wow it’s the worst.

[@gardensofthegods]

Regretfully the more vids here from this club you watch you will hear her voice at least one or two more times

[@Kurse_of_Kall]

14:02 reeee

[@tws18st3]

Sounds like SpongeBob

[@bakedmilk]

i wish i hadn't read the comments, 'cos same. it's literally grating

[@shovel4prez492]

gardensofthegods t tu u tutu y the t I hthrjetejthe retro

[@texasblackwell4895]

The girl who laughs like a dolphin the whole time, though!

[@Yesc3]

Esther Ku

[@itstbrooke]

And her timing is so off too! Lmao

[@quarantinelife.]

More like spongebob

[@lelandgongora8719]

Padmé? God damn stop going to comedy shows

[@michaeltimothy487]

@@padme8013 Can't be you, you died from sadness

[@oldmannabors3198]

"You're the reason we're not... doing better..." Hell naw lol

[@themaggattack]

It's true, tho.

[@charzipuddin6129]

It’s very true. I know from experience (I’m 50)

[@undercovercop2000]

I don’t like trump either but it’s sad how he panders to his audience, oh no my jokes are funny... oh I know, trump is dumb, hahahahahaha

[@GARY84ROCKS]

@@charzipuddin6129 its very gay

[@christopherkelly4230]

Christ buddy this brings back memories of being a free range 8 year old

[@jocomfiresin6982]

All the chickens ended up getting better rights then the children.

[@miguelacosta5446]

facts

[@aaronthomas2598]

Better than being a vegetarian fed 8 year old. It also beats the white and caged alternative.

[@Joshlocklear_media]

Non gmo aswell?

[@jacquelynn2051]

I was raised in a strict, religious family but I still had a lot more freedom as a child. No Mom or Dad to call you on your cell phone because today I am 46...we had no cell phones. I remember coming from the mall late. We stayed until it closed! My gf and I missed the last bus from Bloomfield to East Orange so we walked. I remember just calling my home number from a pay phone so my parents wouldn't flip the hell out. We got home close to midnight. It was a great teen day. Food, shopping and checking out boys.

[@ddp7028]

When you are being stolen you remember details 😂

[@Alejandro_87]

Straight up tho haha

[@jelanis4466]

Souñds like the girl version of spongebob got in the crowd somehow

[@cassiehack1370]

xD

[@xerocxrez]

Why tf is the n gay? "Ñ"

[@ttthecat]

Shout out to fellow Latchkey Kids!!

[@yazajag]

Hi, me too, hi five 😄🤗

[@LoriDitchfield]

Greetings fellow latchkey kids 🤗

[@joesickler5888]

Good times!

[@joesickler5888]

Except drinking at 11.

[@blinginlike3p0]

Its literally most people born after 1985. This is not a rare occurence

[@bubblybuttons3042]

Everyone out here talking about skipping the intro, when that’s obviously the dedicated time in the video to come down and read about how many people skip the intro

[@1evol909]

I love seeing peoples faces when you tell them you were a latch-key kid lol

[@cloud_monkey422]

909 _ tonez i was a latchkey kid and it deff caused for some funny stories growing up with three other brothers and no parental supervision lol

[@joesickler5888]

Good times

[@randileis7319]

I was too, never locked the doors though. I honestly don't think we even had keys to our house. If so I never seen or used them

[@sof8978]

one time i picked up the phone ,ironically it was a social worker and she obliviously heard my kiddy voice next thing you know police knocking on my door and i still remember the feeling of my heart dropping as i could see them through the window in the door. even the knock was scary they bashed on it so loud

[@clanof1144]

Like " oh youre a broke boy"

[@tiptip5491]

This was so true, us 80's raised kids were truly independent. Great story, very funny!

[@miguelacosta5446]

facts

[@Bobsaget121]

There are more latch key kids than ever now. You are not special.

[@pierregibson6699]

@@Bobsaget121 yea but are they self sufficient

[@HF1.0]

80’s kids ruined the future for kids today. You guys were a bunch of dumbasses

[@idrk3707]

@@pierregibson6699 yea pretty much. only difference is we live to adulthood lol

[@standup]

Check out Julian’s new podcast “Your 2 Dads,” hosted with Sean O’Connor: apple.co/2EZcgfr

[@alvarovargasbang-wutang8461]

Trump 20/20 this is Mega country!

[@big3ye378]

Funniest part was how the gay neighborhood seems like sesame street to a kid then the opposite at night. He should've embellished a little more on that part. This guy has the weirdest delivery, pretty good story though.

[@VYDZ]

so true

[@alienresearchlab]

"You're gonna get AIDS and you are definitely getting kidnapped." The 80's were a fun time to be a kid. Hah!

[@lazyb3e]

Looking for a guy wearing jean shorts, a tank top and has a mustache in a gay bar in the 80s* His dad: sigh* "F*ck it, let's go home" I'm dead 😂🤣😂

[@scottstots7238]

I’ve been on a binge of these and I swear that “hahahahaha” laugh girl really kills it

[@YCCCm7]

I always die watching these when someone has that *one* laugh. I hate to have to shame people for their biology, but holy shit if CC shouldn't have found a way to dim that down in editing.

[@dk14929]

The video editor has a slider labeled "dimmer"

[@miguelacosta5446]

he is right, i remember the 80's and vans where every where trying to kidnap kids i almost got kidnapped twice

[@jjcoola998]

Yeah it was so easy to get away with back then with no phones and hardly any cameras

[@1536fm]

That girl laughing omg😂😂😂😂😂

[@djp5668]

Jesus, that damn dolphin laugh is gonna haunt me in my sleep

[@rosaliejo5682]

We left a parking spot at 9pm in San Francisco! Even as a 7 yr old I knew what this means.. this guys F-ing serious! Lmao 😂

[@civildissension]

11:06 That was a cool moment. He baited everyone into thinking it and having someone verbally say it made everything feel interactive. And she said nothing else... Imagine the restraint it takes for a loud person to speak up once and simmer down for the rest of the show. Usually with a taste of blood, they keep going. Guess a crowd doesn't have to be quiet to be a good crowd.

[@brandondriver99]

This timestamp makes no sense with the comment

[@JustCallMeShadow]

This was so damn funny 😂 that before I knew it, it was over! 😭 Didn't even know it was 17 minutes! I thought it was like 8 or 10. Damn this was good. 😄

[@JerseyBoyyCraft]

I had that "lets go find them" moment with my step pops. Funny now but in my head at the time we were looking for the pirates from Somalia and shit.. thankful for it though.

[@bigbadwolf5870]

Dude I can never tell if half the place is looking at his back the whole time or of there is a mirror

[@dk14929]

It's a mirror

[@im19ice3]

i'm not even half-way and i'm already surprised and relieved this dude has lived and thrived enough to see current day

[@boogieblack206]

Black mom in Texas went to prison for lying to get her kid to go to a better school.

[@Josherrificly]

Just for trying to give her child a better life

[@algolin]

I guess his mom's not black.

[@daddysenpai681]

Probably because she got fuckin caught..or you know... MuH RaCiSm

[@theangryholmesian4556]

Crime is crime? Because stealing to feed your family is totally the same as being a klepto.

[@potmki6601]

Uh no? It's trialed and punished differently

[@wunclerlaufenbumcorneliusu7047]

On a scale from 1 to Danny Tanner, how safe is your neighborhood?

[@zoedujour]

Probably a solid 4

[@potmki6601]

Doubtful 6 - there is a real crime episode about my building, but it was long ago I guess

[@tws18st3]

San Francisco is hella gay you're safe out there

[@JeffWarren47]

@@zoedujour I just started standup and want ur OPINION.Please SUBSCRIBE if u LOL. kzbin.info/www/bejne/oWbdgGpogLR1mKuV

[@sackymite421]

Anyone else hear the goat laughin in the back

[@patriciaoffer9585]

Daniel Puebla Is the dehumanization necessary? Are things good enough? A funny comedian. Men and women in a room.

[@sackymite421]

Patricia Offer sombody sounds triggered😱😂

[@sackymite421]

Tony Marselle who?😂

[@patriciaoffer9585]

Daniel Puebla Someone sounds unoriginal, twice.

[@skyclimber7]

lmao this comment made me happy

[@peacelovemotivation8366]

"What did he look like?!" "*uninformed*"

[@foxhazhax4845]

as a kid in the 90s and teenager in the 2000s I hung around with and hitched rides with strangers dozens of times and it was never an issue, no creeps or weirdos, no scary situations, just good, old-fashioned Americans helping me get down the road, showing me around a new neighborhood or just accompanying me through a rough part of town. Those were some good times 🐱

[@GuyReggie]

😂 i loved this brother on guy code and thought he was just some randomly funny guy, had no idea he was an actual comedian 💀

[@buddyfoster6698]

Lol that was what it was like growing up in the 80’s

[@CaseyDresser510]

The fact that he called it Army Street warms my heart. That’s legit old school SF

[@jage5256]

This helped me a lot. My dad glared at a little girl who beat me up in kindergarten when I told dad what happened why my blouse was torn. I always thought dad didn't like me when my parents got divorced. I also grew up in SF in the projects which doesn't help your self esteem. Pj

[@molassio1989]

"Donde esta el other kid?" I don't know why that made me laugh so hard.

[@elpollo179]

His school situation is exactly like mine and its too specially similar

[@BeenThereOverItNow]

Well, I can scratch this jackwagon of my list of comedians I wish to pay to see!

[@deadrecon]

"another family wanted you more"

[@scorpionqueen11]

FINALLY. MORE JULIAN. Thank you.

[@cheriann6461]

So much truth in his description of growing up in the 80's. A mention of the crack epidemic and the "just say no" campaign would help, but still...

[@themaggattack]

And Nuclear meltdowns.

[@cheriann6461]

@@themaggattack Right!

[@VYDZ]

went to a house in SF back in the day and watched 2 heads go beserk mistaking popcorn on the floor for some rock

[@JeffWarren47]

@@themaggattack I just started standup and want ur OPINION.Please SUBSCRIBE if u LOL. kzbin.info/www/bejne/oWbdgGpogLR1mKuV

[@dl1660]

Facts @ in 80s we could just go out into the neighborhood alone 🤣🤣

[@aaronthomas2598]

The laugh has me laughing more than the story. I feel more comfortable with my own laugh now

[@juliannah5721]

Big ups to 80s latch key kids! Fucked a lot of us up, I swear. My dad was a total workaholic, owned his own company. He had plenty of money for a sitter, but he just didn't give a fuck lol.

[@TheFastPack]

Am I the only one who watches the intros all of the time?

[@happysun5045]

This dude is a legend 💚💚💚😂😂

[@Axle1007]

It reminds me to growing up in the 90s. Eat breakfast, then they kicked us out lol 😆 My dad worked days and mom nights, so we grew up doing whatever we wanted. Only a few times were the police taking us back home.

[@BarginsGalore]

Have you ever seen a child playing by ITS SELF🤣🤣🤣

[@Xiesus]

Anyone else get the John cena “drop that pen” commercial right after the joke about his parents 😂😂

[@adamkessler6246]

"Uninformed" "Hope you don't vote!" Got my LIKE on that joke alone. Great story!

[@augusta.5089]

"I hope you don't vote !!" fghdkjfhsdf

[@drlightningfast]

NO MORE I N T R O S ! ! ! !

[@heatherwinkles2065]

Pack of wild corn dogs sounds like a carnie kids shirt! 😂

[@Psiberzerker]

Yeah, I lived in Milpitas, but I picked up that description. "Okay, so he looks like a gay man in the Castro?"

[@chazebutler2438]

Everything he says is on point about the 80's

[@elliana5728]

As a San Franciscan I appreciate these stories

[@codycarter2643]

The goat herder riding a scooter haha

[@BikePackingPleb]

this was one the best

[@Loki1995K]

We really had to fend for ourselves back then! ❤😂

[@vellmf]

This guy knows my life man

[@light-waitghost3682]

Best use of a "leaving an overnight parking spot in SF" I've heard thus far. Go Niners!

[@jimbutler1189]

Fantastic story. One of the few I listened to twice.

[@ttthecat]

He was right about the 80s....

[@legendarybloke8926]

His childhood is my life :)

[@eatasssmokegrass285]

I did get kindnapped Woo

[@clu2ter]

6:20 she’s honestly doing the most

[@samsonian]

Pretty funny...I was also a latchkey kid growing up about 10 miles from this guy. Little nicer neighborhood but instead I was the poor kid in Marin Co. i have the same memories of playing by myself; riding my bmx bike down the frontage road, up and over the pedestrian overpass and over to the local middle school to play with frogs, tadpoles, salamanders and newts in the creek next to the school. It was little kid heaven.

[@mikeg6285]

Thats either the fakest or worst laugh in existence. Legitimately hurt the show.

[@250stelios]

*while kidnapped* - i don't wanna go home alone somebody might kidnap me.. damn that was good

[@mushispalt]

The moment u see him thinking of a spontaneous joke at 15:24 😅

[@franciscomartinez4654]

One of the greatest in my opinion.

[@ThisAgressionwWontStandMan]

Missed Dane Cook. Glad he’s back.

[@rawuncut6890]

"They better have a fucking Nintendo!😂"

[@The_Last_Texan]

Like a damn flock of geese

[@steakcrust558]

Start 0:58 also a nightmare fuel laugh 8:10

[@emilioalmaguer6567]

I actually kinda liked the laugh lmao, showed authentic enjoyment of the show imo

[@Syl518]

YT's -new- replay... graph? is gonna be very useful for these intros.

[@roadiejames]

Just ate a corn dog while he mentioned the button. Feel like I just leveled up in the middle of a quest.

[@KingKhanAbz]

He's got such a Chris Pratt story telling vibe ☺

[@johannadams7266]

Points at someone in the front row: "You're maad! 😬mmm"

[@potatolord_lordofpotatoes]

My mom also has called my bluff for shit and been like "Let's go find em"

[@harlowblackadder356]

We were basically feral children in the 80s/90s 🤣

[@cutterholt3987]

Makes Chanel West Coast sound like an archangel choir

[@audreymuzingo933]

There's a woman in the audience who needs a laugh replacement STAT.

[@PhilV205]

She sounds like a fucking dolphin

[@stepheng887]

Esther Ku

[@xerocxrez]

She sounds like she's having a good time.

[@anthonysproule4293]

Thank you for being a comedian

[@BinaryBard64]

Across town vs a block away vs 1.5 miles? 🤔🤔🤔

[@sammay9961]

I can feel how nervous this guy is

[@tianamasso54]

This is one of my favorites.

[@ArgueWithTheMajority]

Lots of love for that man.

[@firelord9760]

My parents are like Julian’s and I’m grateful

[@Femi-Kamau]

Lowkey looks like Blake Shelton

[@Alexander-rq9he]

Love how he unabashedly slams Trumpsters..😂

[@ataylor4489]

Greatest story ever.