Loneliness Under Lockdown - Esther Perel

I've been talking a lot about those of us who are in confinement with partners, but there is a whole other range of situations. We received many questions from those of you who are lonely during this time. Here are a few ideas that may help.
To watch all four parts of Esther Perel's workshop series Love, Loss, Loneliness (and a Pinch of Humor!) Under Lockdown, visit estherperel.com/lockdown-resources.

[@Shortana]

This quarantine has been a blessing for me. As a single woman with past bad relationships and a turbulent life I craved much alone time. Also time to get back to myself and really connect with me instead of running around looking for attention and someone who cares for me. Not sure about you guys but I make the most of this alone time. It's like the fog that blurred my life is finally disappearing. My senses are coming to life and I can grow without the interruption of the frantic outside world. If you can't be all by yourself and be comfortable you really have nothing of value to offer in a relationship. Connection is fine and natural but so is being able to enjoy your own company.

[@MBerbeB]

I'm so happy for you :)

[@Shortana]

@@MBerbeB that's very kind of you, thank you!

[@antoinettefekete]

amen

[@simplyredislandgirl]

Totally agree with your last statement!👍

[@creative45630]

Me too - recovering from a bad ending to my marriage and I’m really valuing alone time - before lockdown, but lockdown is providing space to go even deeper into myself in a really good way. I’ll emerge from this stronger and much more ready to connect with others I think.

[@MegaMsLittle]

My partner and I are in separate countries,, some of our coping skills are (1) reading a romance novel together (2) FaceTime each other on the weekend (3) he sends me a monthly care pkg (4) I send him fresh flowers monthly (5) we send sweet messages or music for one another to see when wake in our respective time zone. I hope this helps other couples or anyone that is adjusting during this time. Be blessed and stay connected! 🥰🌟💃🏿

[@dudette2c]

So many great ideas! I'm happy to hear how dedicated you are to each other. Truly thank you :)

[@nessav7258]

Are you finding all that you do adds to the excitement in anticipation of seeing each other again?

[@MegaMsLittle]

Nessa V Yes, it helps a lot. We discuss the book periodically throughout the week, it helps keeping the conversations jovial. We talk about happy times and looking forward to creating more of those times when see each other physically again. I can say working on and talking about positive stuff does keep down miscommunication and allow us to resolve things more harmoniously. Keeping offenses down and being quick to forgive has been key.

[@MegaMsLittle]

Valkyrie_117 Thank you! We’re determined not to allow this quarantine to stifle our commitment and love. We just decided to watch ‘ The Notebook’ movie over the weekend “together”. He likes Milk Duds, I like popcorn, so we’re going to eat each other’s favorite movie snack while watching it. I know it sounds corny, there in the laughter and togetherness. Be blessed 🥰

[@leontineke]

MegaMsLittle great ideas. One of my lovend ones (10.000 k and 5 hrs difference) has two really nice “activities” to do together at a distance: when we talk, he picks a card from a game with questions that you wouldn’t normally ask (there’s the normal, or the cheeky version, and you can always make your own questions for each other!) . It keeps up an interesting conversation, and it’s fun! Another thing is not asking each other (on whatsapp or on the (video)phone) : “how was your day?”, but rather: “what did you like best, made you most happy, and what is it you’re grateful for?”, which gives a very positive vibe. 🍀

[@baharmonyy]

Self-soothing has been so helpful for me. finding small comforts in small routines. For me, things like making popcorn in a pot. Watching the kernels pop, melting the butter, and sprinkling the salt. And also at night, warming up water and filling a hot water bottle to warm the bed a bit. It’s the little things (:

[@JessieLewis]

Bahar wow 😨 I need to think of these little moments

[@hagdore]

You tried alcohol yet?

[@eleonoraformatoneeszczepan8807]

Added bonus, the birds chirping and the tree greenery in the background.

[@Texasbird026]

One smart articulate woman, with an interesting story, great to listen to her like she is talking to a neighbor rather than on stage. Although she is very powerful on stage.

[@Sara-ez4bb]

Time to time I would feel bored or lonely. BUT , during lock down I'm feeling happy and relaxed and I never felt lonely or bored. Im shocked!! My time at my favorite cafe used to be a lovely reward/break of the day.. im not missing that either. I'm so surprised.

[@nellyAQ]

samee it such a great reset

[@veroniquecharlie6408]

Im single and lonely. Thank You for talking about it.

[@siniquezu]

I think we all are. That's why we're watching this video

[@lizastrawberri5473]

I’m single and lonely also. I’m longing for a relationship, but I don’t know if I’ve done enough work on me to successfully navigate one. I don’t know what to do...sigh. :(

[@NA-vt6mz]

Véronique & Charlie hi I’m Indian woman do u want to connect as friends online to talk

[@1LaOriental]

Simba Chowi I'm in the same situation.... I would love to connect!!

[@NA-vt6mz]

1LaOriental send me ur email

[@sarcasm363]

I just wanted to say. Thank you for existing Ester. You always have something to say that helps the ache inside my soul. You give me hope in my darkness. May God always bless you.

[@luisalacorte]

Yes! Thank you. I’m alone, no partner, also not lonely.

[@tamartamunanemsadze7750]

I am tired of doing things for others and feel pretty good to focus on myself.

[@upendasana7857]

I agree,all this doing things for others can leave you feeling even more used and abused and taken for granted and make you bitter as hell.Its best I find to learn how to look after yourself and not do things for others unless you have the energy and wherewithal to do so,enlightened self interest I like to call it.

[@JacquiCryer]

Me too I’m a nurse ... I’ve worked harder than ever during this pandemic

[@anavanana1]

Thank you Esther! It already helped me hearing this today! Thank you for all the content you create to make the world a better place!

[@bella4644]

Thank you for the work that you do. Much appreciation to you.

[@mariamirza8259]

Ma'am thank you for adding value in my life. I wish you the best quality of relationships.

[@dlgump]

I love you so much Esther. Thank you

[@suzeb7005]

Thank you Esther 😊😘 Great advice as always 🌻 Love to you from Perth Western Australia 🇦🇺

[@LollyB1963]

Thank you so Ester I needed this today .. I’m a single independent women who has never been bothered by my lone ness I am feeling it more so cause I’m home more now than I ever been. I have always looked for to my retirement now than I’m not working due to the lockdown I’m hoping when I return to work I will enjoy it more and not be envious to be back at home. Stay safe and thanks again ..

[@biancas2639]

I love that. For me the imagination just came naturally during this time I can see. Funny you mention it.

[@eddiefreeman1603]

This help so much! Thank you for all your videos.

[@milenakisel2855]

Thank You Esther I appreciate you!

[@filomenacataluddi1682]

Thank you for sharing this, very useful tips!

[@empressadelexxmotherofjohn10]

Than you. My fellas in France, and I'm in the UK, it's been tough. Just waiting for the border to open. Xxx

[@bw6078]

Thanks for sharing Esther. A big fan.

[@Jones8orejas]

Thanks for the proximity and the intention in your talks.Merry Christmas.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Esther Perel, I love your videos ❤❤❤❤.You are always educating people,making us forget this pandemic

[@SA-lw8zz]

Amazing hand gestures!

[@SleeplessinOC]

Ha. I am single with no friends so this lockdown barely feels different to me especially since I’m still working even though it’s been less busy . I envy people who had a life before this and will be able to resume their social activities when restrictions are eased. For me , it’s just another day which is always a lonely day .

[@louiseleite3866]

I feel you. No friends, no relationship, just me & my cat. I'm still working too. Life is normal.

[@carmenzagonzalez2120]

Well welcome to the club, feel as usual my life is an eternal lockdown. Only thing I miss is walk by myself in downtown and see people together. My neighbourhood is just with some people exercising that pass by sweating no fun to watch. Anyone else with no life before this lockdown and nothing different after?

[@SleeplessinOC]

Louise Leite I would get a cat too if my living situation were more stable as well as my financial . My financial situation went from already bad to worse since the lockdown . Other than that like you say , life is normal .

[@SleeplessinOC]

carmenza Gonzalez thank you . Sad that such a “club “ even exists . I hate crowds though and having to watch people in pairs or groups. Makes me feel even more alone. Part of the reason I never really took on walking even though it would be good exercise . But life is going to still be the same for me when lockdown lifts since I never really had much of a life to begin with . Ha...

[@timm7643]

Yup my life hasn't changed at all. I've been in quarantine for years I guess.

[@mariaroqueta3135]

Thank u thank u thank u for such simple words and hugely helpful reminder to use our imagination!♥️👏♥️

[@justcarinaily]

Thank you

[@jacquelinethereseplunkett221]

1. Reach out to one person. Book club, party, rave club 2. Resource maps... who we know, help others 3. Preexisting groups exist 4. Movement and breath...self soothing 5. Imagination

[@francesdumaliang6132]

God Bless You😊...all very good ideas😊😊😊.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Frances Dumaliang, you are so beautiful and so cute ❤❤❤❤.I will be glad to know you more

[@bvaradinov]

Wonderful Dr. Perel - I’d like to do something for you. I’d like to send you a portable wireless microphone, so you can record your videos in a way that would allow even people with a heavy hearing loss (like me) to enjoy your thoughtful and insightful speeches. I absolutely love what you do, so I’ll be glad to help on that matter. Groetjes uit Tervuren (Vlaams gewest - altijd bereid om te helpen toch 😄)

[@tipetronella]

You are wonderful. This helps me alot :)

[@crownjewel832]

Thank you! Do you have a video on losing a loved one during this pandemic? How to cope and grieve without wakes, repass, funerals or any gatherings of support?

[@frankr649]

she is mainly about relationships and sexual things not a lockdown therapist , in he life she is experiencing first time maybe don't know what to say

[@carmenzagonzalez2120]

I super enjoy this time to myself. Alone at home is normal to me and don’t have to hide the situation from anybody as all of us are in lockdown. Working full time, doing exercise and walk an hour every day, what else can I ask for?

[@marylouirick7316]

Sound good 2 me 😄! Take a walk daily with ur mark on. Make sure u fix urself up really nice.Praises The Lord!

[@diana.diamond]

i feel less lonely in the lockdown than in normal life because i used to feel left out all the time. now since everyone is in the same situation i don't feel like i am missing out on gatherings that i am not invited to. women never want anything to do with me and friendship with men always turns out to be a romance from their side.

[@maryem291092]

This , i moved to Germany rught before the lockdown , not knowing anyone in this city , my course (where i would have met people perhaps) got postponed and i felt like at least everyone was stuck like me ! Now that life started a little bit back again i feel very isolated , and lonely ... Seeing people in the streets , and in shops in 2 or else , i feel like an alien stranded :/ But this too shall pass : But i'm glad i'm not the only one that got so much comfort during isolation !

[@tracesprite6078]

Reconnected is a book by Andrew Leigh.

[@zagreusjp]

you are a beautiful person* :)

[@siniquezu]

I agree. I think what ester says it's powerful too. We have to change our mindset to helping others instead of just focusing on what we need.

[@n.j.7848]

While I'm using this time to do things I've been putting off, I am single and it gets old and lonely. I don't have many people I can talk to, the days are running into one another so I start to get depressed.

[@Legion_not_obligated]

She would make a wonderful partner. So bright, so caring with good looks.

[@upendasana7857]

OMG !!!!

[@tommyleemac]

Hi Esther!! i am going through a covid breakup now, moving out from living together, i could really use some of your words of wisdom. I need help with some healing process, without someone i spent the last 6 years of my life with.

[@DarienChen]

dear esther, hi!!!!!! you have been such an inspiration for me for 10 years~~~ I have learnt and benefits soooo much from you. its a bummer that I just saw this clip now, after suffering a lot from the pandemic, but gosh! how much practical wisdom and compassion you have packed in this short 3 mins video is fcking amazing!!!!!

[@mikeriolo7734]

I am alone at home single and see this time a good thing for introspection but i am not feeling loneliness.

[@intelligentwoman6593]

Good video.keep going

[@lindas.martin2806]

Thank you. Good recommendations. I find that I am fearful of the instability of life. I am 70, in Mexico (by choice) with five rescue dogs. Savings in the stock market have plunged, I need to find a more economic house to rent in the midst of this virus, and the sense of the earth moving under my feet is scary and drains emotional energy reserves. How can we stop life’s unexpected difficult times from weakening our emotional stability we need to remain strong?

[@tracesprite6078]

The Calm App is very helpful to me.

[@frankr649]

some of the people Dindnt seem to understand Ester . the Topic is Lonliness "UNDER LOCKDOWN" . not just loneliness . i think ester can talk more like use to . imagination means what ? imagine and do it your self

[@fadidabban]

I was lonely before COVID-19, now it’s worse. Every woman I asked out seems to not be interested, and every woman who is interested, I don’t find myself attracted to. I worked with CBT, religion, spirituality, and everything. But still nothing works. So I will leave it at this point.

[@rutalenciauskaite3743]

I've been single and lonely way before all this started lol

[@EnnameMori]

I've found everyone I reach out to are too involved with families and their own problems. So I feel like I am crying for attention and being annoying. *sigh* And suffering a bad break up means I am trying to kill my imagination as it hurts.

[@JenniferTijssen]

I feel you on the trying to silence my imagination, especially relating to my ex. It feels like I keep ruminating old memories and thinking of what he's doing right now and with whom. I feel like the solution is to make new memories, but obviously we are quite limited in our abilities to do so. The one thing I found that helps is to explore my interests deeper: read more books, play some interesting little video games that are in my backlog, think of a vacation I'd like to go on, I've even been reading scientific papers on topics that interest me, and it makes me feel like there is so much more out there. Best of luck to you!

[@EnnameMori]

@@JenniferTijssen Exactly, you hit the proverbial nail, and I am almost gushingly relieved to find someone else in this spot. Unfortunately, because it also turns out a lot of my memories were at worst false and at best incomplete, I was in the middle of trying to find some I could perhaps keep. Now instead I am stuck whirring around trying to find purchase on quick sand, while ruminating on the right now and trying to stem that obsessiveness. Your approach is good. I find starting new things like clubs etc is too much, but I have dragged out my sewing, listened to a lot of music, returned back to some of my abandoned research. Except while I am blessed to have work, the flip side of it is that it's eating me alive and I struggle to get energy and time for me. Leading to... imagination. Suppose I should regroup and take your advice more. I hope you have much success in creating new knowledge networks and experiences that are for yourself. :)

[@Planetariumgum]

This feels so familiar, I had a new relationship fail during the 2nd week of quarantine (I was trying to salvage my small business the week before that). It’s just been incredible to go through this trauma with less than usual support. The fantasies and the rumination alike take much more of my attention that I would like.

[@EnnameMori]

@@Planetariumgumoh I am sorry. That is a lot to happen at the same time, then have lockdown thrown on top. They eat into you any moment there is a gap where you can't fill your attention with something else. Are you finding some distraction?

[@Planetariumgum]

enname mori thank you, honestly.. not much so far. However I’m studying Buddhism a little each day and have come to the conclusion that turning my phone off for a full day here and there would be kinder to myself. Are you able to find helpful distractions at this time?

[@aapkimayuri7231]

Do u love silver becauze i see in every episode and ur shows so many different kinds of necklace n earring

[@beachlover9705]

Can you do more videos for singles? Some of us are really lonely and have no potential partners and a few friends to talk to. It sucks. I was already a remote worker so I've had time to myself but this is a lot . Lost 3 so called friends and I really feel the loss but why reach out to argue?

[@babycheesa8020]

I’m a nurse my bf left at covid start. Just ghosted 💯. Never came back

[@rachelsweets]

Sorry hon 😥

[@sjbooya]

Sorry girl x

[@GloryDaze73]

so sorry about that. is horrible just in the moment you needed support he dissappear. i think he's coward. Wishing you much strength for this time. thank you for your work.

[@Sunshine4]

Baby Cheesa he’s wack. I’m so sorry girl. You are doing an Angel’s work right now. So many people are overwhelmingly thankful for you!!!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Baby Cheesa,you are so beautiful and so cute ❤💓💓❤❤.I wanna be your friend.Can we?

[@BigChillRaver]

KZbin filled my hole, Esther is helping me to be whole. I stumbled (cough*) "auto-sought" Esther in the last 24hrs..at 48 years of age with zero experience of a cohabiting long term intimate sexual relationship with a women,(although I crave it like the most addictive drug), I abstained, I can't face love's cold turkey. Within the last 24 hrs , I have felt love once more, love for myself, I'm literally crying with overwhelming relief, I, am enough!

[@mondehlongwane1567]

Would love to hear your thoughts on whether or not a past lover who has “seen the light” (so to speak) and has reached out during this pandemic is actually thinking straight or are they just succumbing to the sudden change of their normal routine. Is such a reaching out to be trusted?

[@nessav7258]

I'd like to offer my thoughts if you wish to accept. There's two ways of thinking - is your ex lover bored and is seeking the familiar where normally they would be roaming? Is their reaching out consistent and persistent but not annoying rather than temporary and fleeting, based on their learnings whilst in isolation? Only you can differentiate between the two and don't beat yourself up if you made the wrong choice.

[@rachelsweets]

@@nessav7258 good point

[@MsDrSantana]

Most people are looking for familiar/old friends if just to say "Can you believe this? Did you ever think this could happen?" It feels best to say this to someone you knew way back when. I wouldn't trust it as reconnection than can be trusted in going forward together.

[@ghazaljan8724]

Please help me. I'm suffering from anxiety and depression and sometimes I just lost my mind over the small things that my partner did. He takes care of me but I don't know why sometimes I feel hurt and react so harshly.... Please let me know how to handle relationship while fighting to depression too😢

[@suzanahas4740]

Ghazal Jan You might have childhood trauma. You can find very good and helpful info on a channel called The school of life. Also you may want to google CPTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder...

[@jessicajhabib2544]

Do you have any tips on how to control emotions? I get angry all of a sudden, throw a tantrum the next minute, then calm down, then tear up... also is anyone unable to be work-productive or is it just me? It’s not as bad as the first couple of weeks but literally I have to convince myself to work it’s exhausting 🤣 bloody lockdown

[@suzanahas4740]

Djay En Etch I would suggest you check childhood trauma, borderline personality disorder. A good informative channel is The school of life.

[@VisserKimberly]

😢

[@leoniesinclair9820]

You can be surrounded by family but also be lonely. As a family with lots of social media to distract us & work from home, its easy to avoid each other & still not find connection. Finding the balance between healthy boundaries & meaningful connection is tricky. Easier with younger children, harder with a house of adults. Any tips appreciated.

[@boulangerraphaelle4394]

Est ce qu'il pourrait y avoir un sous titrage en Français ?

[@aapkimayuri7231]

WE HAVE BECOME ZOOMER OURSELF SO WE NEED MOVEMENT

[@upendasana7857]

hhmm,I''m not sure a sex party would help me feel less lonely,very often sex has made me feel even more alone.I could be very naïve and out of the loop but I am not aware of many sex parties happening around me,where would one even find a sex party of they wanted one,not that I would because I cannot imagine finding the man of my dreams at a sex party or even a man I would want to go for a long walk and talk with.I like Esther and know she has some very good points to say about things which I agree with but I am not sure she is always connected to people's every day realities when she says things like that tbh...sorry

[@intelligentwoman6593]

Wanna be friends

[@PK-zm1jl]

Pls use another mic.....

[@johndonaldson3619]

""OnlyFans"...solved!

[@matthewmagda4971]

This was corny. I wanted practical answers on romantic companionship.

[@LilachLavy]

Thank you