Affairs Aren't Over until Grief Work is Done

Healing from an affair and restoring trust is challenging in a relationship. Even if you've forgiven your partner, it's still crucial to do grief work to rebuild intimacy and trust. Until there is effort from both partners, healing cannot begin.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
Download PDF activities from my site for more help!
www.maryjorapini.com/reaction...
Visit my website:
www.maryjorapini.com
Follow me on social media:
Twitter: / maryjorapini
Facebook: / maryjorapini
Tumblr: / maryjorapini
Instagram: / maryjorapini

[@mrsk7777]

You're absolutely spot on. You're very insightful and you explain things easily. I'm a betrayed...5 months after discovery. I had preexisting ptsd, so this video had validated me significantly....from Canada, thank you deeply

[@alive4627]

Twenty three years later the anger and the disgust is not only still there, but it is amplified simply because I have gone into retirement and I no longer have the distractions of holding down a demanding career, of study, of parenting, of litigation etc. Her affair, the deception, and the (terminated) pregnancy by her boss become top of mind. While I appear to be like a swan, calm and graceful, and that I am holding it all together, the feet of this swan are paddling furiously under water. I still have intrusive visualizations and the fact that my wife clammed up after discovery didn’t help. Her behavior got better, certainly, and I very much doubt that she has strayed again … but I sit with unfinished business. Fact of the matter is that I adored her. It hurts so much.

[@wm7929]

After 23 years that sounds absolutely awful. I'm curious why you decided to stay for all those years, and if you have any thoughts of leaving now? I'm of the opinion that an affair justifies a divorce, even if the divorce happens decades later. I'm also curious what your recovery was like back then, did she step up, was she trying to save things, etc. Really sad to hear of your troubles. It sounds terrible.

[@alive4627]

@@wm7929 No thoughts of leaving now. We get on well together but, were she to stray again, I would drop her like a stone. That said, we have accomplished a lot together, travelled widely, raised and educated three sons to the point where they are prospering in their chosen careers. I should mention that this is my second marriage. My first lasted 16 years. My divorce then was acrimonious. My promiscuous ex had several affairs, and she finally passed away, indigent, diabetic, alcoholic, and with borderline personality disorder. I found that divorce simply created new problems. Yes, my second wife did step up. Started dressing and behaving more conservatively.

[@speeder757]

Same thing happened to me brother I hear you

[@jimobrien6903]

Your words are great. "Their character is weak". I love that! I only wish my cheating wife and other unfaithfuls would seek out content like yours. Feels like us who were cheated on do all of the work to recover/reconcile.

[@awomansstory.2019]

Anger and depression. Yes.

[@kengarvin5341]

Spot on

[@Kirk442]

Yelp, I have the outburst. Real bad.

[@BBSAXX]

Situation is different only because my spouse never admitted the affair, only saying the we were just friends. It was however very blatant that they were exes many years before. I doubt I will ever know the details of why it happened. Unfortunately, counseling would not confront her with the tough questions, or even admitting that it was indeed an emotional reconnecting affair. And this hurts more than if she came to me with an admission of a physical affair. In the throws now of stay or go. Cheating is indeed cheating, and like a broken mirror, glue won’t repair the shards.

[@somewhereinthemidwest9827]

Why did I stay, is my biggest question for myself. We do not share children.

[@fallon7616]

I'm in the anger place 💯💯👍👍🇱🇷

[@Eric-wy3jm]

Hi

[@djswint]

Is this true of couples where one has had an emotional affair or are you talking about physical affairs only?

[@MaryJoRapini]

#truth, just as destructive and hurtful. Both break trust!

[@MaryJoRapini]

Both👍

[@lotusmccary9365]

Does the grief ever go away?

[@MaryJoRapini]

Yes, eventually the pain does subside. You’re going to be ok, just keep practicing self care and talking to your therapist and close friends ❤️

[@rhdtv2002]

@@MaryJoRapini close friends aren't always the best to talk to..they literally can contribute Ina divorce or breakup most times since they are semi emotionally involved..

[@MaryJoRapini]

Yes, the grief will eventually subside. ⭐️

[@MaryJoRapini]

Rich Lo, yes, which is why you have to be very careful about who your friends are and if it will help or hurt your situation to divulge that info. 👍

[@napha1979]

Never take your cheating spouse back