Autistic Homecoming Queen: How I Passed as Neurotypical for 30 Years // Autism in Women

Someone recently asked me if it’s possible to be diagnosed as autistic even if you appear socially skilled or even successful. The answer? A resounding YES!
In this video I explore some of the ways I unknowingly navigated high school to appear socially successful even though I didn’t feel that way inside.
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WhatDreamsAreMadeOf # IsThisMyLife
⏰ Timestamps 🕰
Why I Started My Channel (1:06)
What is Homecoming? (2:13)
My Social “Success” Strategies (4:50)
The Negative Consequences (24:12)
How to Support the Autistic Community (25:48)
Taylor’s Soapbox (26:52)
CAT-Q Questionnaire (29:03)
Mom on the Spectrum Resources (29:33)
💻 Autistic Resources 📕
Mom on the Spectrum Resources: taylorheaton.gumroad.com/
CAT-Q Questionnaire: embrace-autism.com/cat-q/
Questionnaires and Assessments: www.embrace-autism.com
Autistic Community and Resources: www.aspergerexperts.com
Female Chart of Characteristics: • Chart of Autistic Trai...
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Olivia Hops: / @oliviahops
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I'm Tay, a married mom of 2 who was diagnosed with Autism at 31 years old. This was after YEARS of therapy (and all of the self tests in the world!). My diagnosis has brought up questions, frustration, doubt, but most importantly, a new level of self compassion and understanding.
I'm here to share knowledge, resources, and products that empower other neurodivergents (and their loved ones) to live freely and creatively. I'm not a doctor so please speak with your healthcare providers before implementing any recommendations I make on my channel.
Females are under-diagnosed due to lack of research. Please share any videos that are helpful to you so we can spread awareness and acceptance.
Music by Milky Wayvers ("Mountain")
/ milky-wayvers-mountain
#autism #autistic #aspergers

[@onlyinsomniac]

Do you ever get the irresistable urge to compliment people? Like, I find it really hard to not say something if someone is wearing a cute necklace or nice dress. It's a really strong impulse.

[@violakarl6900]

Yes, and usually I give in, because you never know how much it could better their day! 😊 Also because I know how happy it makes me, if a stranger makes an effort to communicate their thoughts to me

[@christianmiller526]

Absolutely!

[@wronggeometry]

I do this. The compliments are probably more specific or niche than the kind most people give so sometimes I get weird reactions, but mostly people appreciate you noticing the details

[@fbia3651]

I can’t hold myself to say any good truth

[@lilwinged5291]

ALWAYS.. it's not a bad thing though. People mostly love that. WELL , Not if we say it about a man whose with a woman.

[@izzypfutzenreuter]

Having autism and being attractive is sort of a disadvantage in my experience. Like I appreciate the perks I get because of my appearance, but there's also the dismissiveness of people whenever I express some sort of psychological problem I'm finding challenging to cope with. People think, "You're pretty and privileged, you don't have problems. You just want attention."

[@stefanmargraf7878]

You being an attractive autist, i consider that an advantage for us autists!🤣🤣

[@Itstaryncenter]

THIS.

[@MaxOakland]

Also people can think you’re a jerk or haughty if you’re attractive and shy or awkward

[@transformingshadows5896]

Pretty privilege is a myth for women. Sure maybe there are some benefits, but there are way more disadvantages. We are dismissed, treated like we are stupid, like we have nothing to add, nothing to say, we are consistently harassed, assaulted, etc. I’m sorry that it also makes it harder for you to be taken seriously as someone who is autistic 😞💔

[@minoyd]

This, I always wonder at which point exactly is this pretty "privilege" supposed to be benefitting my life? To be harassed on the street and online every time I show my face, constantly have people think I can't really have such severe problems as I do because i "don't look autistic" (nevermind my stems toys and permahoodie and noise cancelling headphones) or that I "must be exaggerating and doing it for attention." I can't help but wonder what would these people think of a much higher needs autistic person with the same face as me

[@KiraAfter_Dark]

I find videos like this really validating. I've had similar experiences, so when I'm like "nah can't be autistic because of ______", having someone say "Well I am autistic and do that" helps a lot with imposter syndrome.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

imposter syndrome is so real! glad you found this video validating. your experiences matter and don't have to fit in a box!

[@bethankrzowski4553]

I am watching this for the same reasons

[@HumanimalChannel]

Just pay for the testing and get the answers.

[@bethankrzowski4553]

@@HumanimalChannel I'm filling a form in for the assessments tomorrow

[@UnraveledwithJoy]

@@HumanimalChannel not everyone has that privilege

[@stackels97]

I've never heard anyone else talk about not feeling like they use their real voice and having it impact their singing. I sing for a living and have always, ALWAYS felt like my voice is a mish mash of other peoples voices and that there's so much more depth to my voice that I can't access. The tension, the anxiety, the desire to be quiet and perfect holds it back so much

[@dianapellegrini]

Thank you Taylor and Stacey for talking about that. I study music since childhood, and write songs from time to time, and I feel that I can never seem to be corageous enough to learn to sing with my real voice. Whenever I try to learn and practice singing, it's honestly a very confusing and even scary physical sensation. As if I had to drop my "safe" voice and reach for my "genuine" one, the sound of which I really don't even know. Now that I'm self-diagnosing (and maybe medically diagnosing) as being on the spectrum, those small things make sense and suddenly seem huge. I would love to be able to sing my own songs in my own voice someday.

[@AM-ln7op]

Hey, there is more of us! I have the same problem...I've been singing over ten years and I have no idea what kind of voice I really have. I can only sing with other people in choir, or songs I've heard before because I always need someone to imitate.

[@thegracklepeck]

Definitely!

[@briannecurtis8979]

I also am a singer and always thought I only sang high soprano 1 parts because I did the exact same thing with my voice where I spoke sweetly and high pitched and it actually changed the way I sang as well. It's only been as an adult in my 30s after being diagnosed and learning to unmask- plus lots of pushing from great singing coaches that made me realize I could tap into my chest voice so much more than I was! I was in a choir this year and became a float. I was singing Alto, Soprano 2 and Soprano 1 depending on where they most needed me for sound blend. I NEVER in a million years thought I could hit those notes before but I was holding myself back so much because of how I was speaking. My speaking voice has changed as well it's not nearly as saccharine! It's wild and I was so excited when I heard her bring this up!

[@TerrPebb71618_]

I used to pick up accents from other people very easily when young too! I wonder if this was a part of my voice masking?!

[@ravioliravioligivemeareaso4447]

I’m recently realizing I’m autistic after being medicated for my adhd. Its so weird, because the reason I wanted to get tested for adhd in the first place, was because of my overactive mind - I’m now realizing like half of that (at least) are all the thoughts that go into masking successfully. For the longest time I thought I MUST have some form of social anxiety, the way my every move is dictated how I’m being perceived. I’d almost dissociate at times, watching myself with other peoples eyes, judging if I was eating weird or fidgeting too much. Suddenly I’m finding it difficult to discern, how much of the way I act is real…

[@elizabethrollo7827]

God, I identify with this comment SO MUCH

[@sendythetruth8734]

Yes!!! Had a hard time connecting to "girly girls". I worked in a spa once, and it was torture. "Mean", popular Girls everywhere. I felt so out of place.

[@gem2114]

This might be controversial, but I think that you and I might have had a similar experience (I resonate with soooo much of this) because we were both skinny and pretty. I've talked at length to someone close to me who has had very similar challenges and yet completely different experiences and honestly the only thing I can thing of is that my looks are more socially acceptable and my quirks could be put down to "the shy, smart girl". People mostly just left me alone and I had enough acquaintances from various things that I could sort of muddle through without being a complete loner. I was able to observe and learn social cues much more because I wasn't a presence that attracted derision and people automatically treated me a certain way because I was pretty.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I can resonate with a lot of this and I appreciate you sharing! I feel this is similar to my experience.

[@kristelfae5054]

That’s actually a really important point, “pretty privilege” is definitely a thing. As a kid I was visibly disabled, and an early allergy kid but also unknowingly ND !! As a combination I was badly bullied…but later at a different age and different high school I was able to blend in more, and find ND friends!!

[@Askalott]

I relate to this. I was able to blend in. I think you make an excellent point. Being pretty automatically makes it easier to socialize and it really distracts from any neurodivergent behavior.

[@lillypollack2007]

I also relate to this. I was considered "pretty" and skinny. I hardly talked, though. I would even actively ignore anyone that was talking directly to me. But I feel I was left alone because of those qualities and that I was very good in art. I was the "weird art chick". I never realized how much that worked in my favor until I got older. I was still picked on and didn't have many friends at school when I was younger, but I think it could have been much worse. People truly thought I was just so into my art that I ignored everyone. I was just using art as a means to cope because I just did not understand what was going around me.

[@manunascimxnto]

im almost 17 and i resonate with this too! im level 1 autistic and i learned to mask myself to fit in when i was a kid (it was a consequence of the bullying i suffered in the beginning of my childhood bc i acted "weird"), and ive always been considered pretty for the majority of people. so even tho i feel psychologically tired from all the things autism makes me suffer, i know how to *pretend im neurotypical* and my *pretty privilege* is a bonus, so nowadays people usually accept better my autism traits because they view it as just normal personality traits. im extroverted, i almost always get great grades, i make friends everywhere i go and it usually lead me to enter *"popular"* friendgroups, but its all because i forced myself to learn how to live in a neurotypical society. its all a mask... 🎭

[@savegraysoncats]

Oh my gosh! The "I didn't really cry when I was younger and now I cry a lot." It kind of punched me because it really hit home

[@MomontheSpectrum]

i cry all the time now lol it's like all of it was waiting to get out and i have ground to cover

[@mayatenshi]

Yeeeeees

[@MarcoZamora]

​@@MomontheSpectrum: About fifteen years ago, at 41 during my first CBT group therapy, I -uninhibitedly, emotively, powerfully- cried for the first time since childhood, almost like the wail of a newborn. I distinctly remember both crying with all my self and also intently, wholly, mindfully observing with childlike wonder and gratitude. It was powerful and transformative. I'm now going through separation and divorce, and cry at the drop of a hat, but I'm still grateful for it.

[@ConfluenceNutrition]

Before you mentioned the part about autistics finding each other, I have been thinking about this the last few days. My husband has always said that my friends are all weird, or drama queens/kings. I now actually think that I just have always felt more connected with the "weirdos", probably because we're all misfits and a little odd, and that when we're with each other, we don't have to mask as much. I just discovered your channel yesterday, and I'm just in the last week realizing after a life of feeling like I don't belong that I'm probably autistic. I'm almost 50. Thank you!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! Thanks for your comment.

[@GreenBlueWalkthrough]

Huh, I'm 27 and autisc and in the books I'm writing and the media around them the hero who starts off autistic(I don't plan to make a fuss about it). And builds a civilization from just gathering those who would other wise fall though the cracks in modern society... This civilization would go to change humanity and help coutless people. It's mostly and uplifting fun setting for as many IRL people as possible. Which the hero does meet nerotypical people and go on to touch their lives and help them even bring some in on board even if it's just for a pay check.. So yeah that may just be the autism in me being expressed in the writing.

[@kenspitze3858]

I'm ADHD and may also be ASD(no diagnosis yet), I call the politeness thing my polite mask. Smile more, higher voice, pleasant facial expressions, all disingenuous. I do this when I'm not comfortable around someone cos I don't know them or know them well enough.

[@confidentlocal8600]

Yes. I've done this without thinking for as long as I can remember. It's like a subconscious code switch. When the interaction deviates from something where I can use pre-scripted responses, I slow way down and struggle awkwardly through the interaction.

[@HappyHoney41]

I was trained as a child to do these things.

[@timanderson6005]

'... I think autistic is completely different to shy....' Never a truer word spoken.

[@dreyddog19]

Yep, I'm definitely not shy but I've learned to act shy to not seem weird.

[@sierragirl718]

I so agree that neurodivergent people find each other. All of the friends I have now that have stayed in my life the longest are all either autistic (or suspected to be) or have adhd. Lol 😂

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Lol i can relate. I feel like once I shared with my circle that I’m autistic I started seeing it in many others around me!

[@legok6037]

Mine too (I have ADHD)! Most of my friends have been autistic or had ADHD, and all my long term partners have ADHD too. :)

[@creoleconjure6728]

Yessss!! All my people (at least the ones who've lasted) are fellow ND people.

[@rachelm9350]

i love me some adhd people, even if their lateness drives me nuts.... i think they are kinda cute in a weird way. LOL

[@babyinvasion]

Yes! All of my friends are on the spectrum. My mom told my doctor's I didn't have autism cuz she was in denial. Now as an adult I'm trying to get my diagnosis and I don't know what to do :/

[@juliabelle5372]

Omg I mask my ADHD with being agreeable, complimenting people and smiling to seem friendly/not awkward. I have no idea how to tell stories about my day or make convos unless I'm asking other people questions lol. I also get distracted by eye contact. Tbh I feel that as women in the workplace when we talk less softly and give off a little RBF we can actually be seen as more authoritative!

[@nleem3361]

The overlap between adhd and autism is astounding. I don't think I'm on the spectrum, but I know i mask, mirror and always beat my drum to a different tune. A few funny, fun things. When I was in 1st grade day dreaming, my teacher asked what I was thinking about and I answered, "all kinds of wonderful things". I was also the one who'd ask the teachers more questions until what they were teaching made sense. I cared more about understanding than how I looked to everyone else. 10 yrs later, my mom ran into someone I'd gone to school with who said everyone loved being in class with me because I had the courage to ask questions everyone else was afraid to ask... No one made fun of me, but I had very few friends and was sometimes a loaner even though I prefer to be with people. Group conversations are very hard for me. They good to fast and I can't remember what to say by the time it's a good time to jump in and if I do remember, they maybe way beyond that point.

[@michele0324]

​@@nleem3361 I can so relate! And I now know more about my ADHD. :)

[@RhonyHart]

OMG YES! Everyone loved me and liked me. I just couldn’t master long term social interaction. People knew me as smart and happy.

[@T.T.M.60]

Long term social interaction is hard!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Agreeeeed

[@manunascimxnto]

ARE WE THE SAME PERSON?! even tho i suffered bullying in the beginning of my childhood because i was "weird", the majority of people liked me. the thing is, as i grew up, i started *masking* more and more to fit in, so the bullying stopped and i even became kinda *known* from everyone as the smart happy kid/teen. im also extroverted, so its easy for me to make friends, but its hard to maintain long term social interactions because *✨autism✨* and *🎭masking🎭*

[@elinhagglund33]

Same

[@RhonyHart]

@@manunascimxnto umm yeah same!! Some people knew me as funny but obvs thats when I was NOT understanding the social cues and the mask was dropping 😂

[@kateFGMP]

I always was the shy and smart girl. Being “pretty within 2000s standards” helped me to never got bullied, and always having boys chasing me, mostly in College. In my soul, I always felt that I didn’t fit, I feel weird talking in a group of people, but I can keep talking non stop with a single person, even with a stranger, I love meet people in travels, because they don’t know the stereotype of the quiet girl, so I can be a character. I play characters when I go out on dates, and some close friends would be surprised about how “wild” I can be. I have never being diagnosed, but I’m feeling maybe I’m in the spectrum. Excuse my English, it’s not my native language.

[@Realalma]

@7Y8 you are dead wrong. I am diagnosed autism 1 and am in several support groups for females on the spectrum… as we present autistic traits very differently from males. One that I am in online has over 6000 female members …and trust me, we talk about our struggles day and night amongst each other because those not on the spectrum cannot fathom how we experience life. A lot of it is sensory issues that we have , parenting (often, like myself, we also are raising children on the spectrum and that’s an extra challenge) and trying to mask our disabilities in order to fit in and not be cruelly bullied by people like you.

[@familiayaallen5421]

@@Realalma You said almost exactly what I was going to say myself. I'm AuDHD and late diagnosed. My experience has been the same in the groups I'm in as well.

[@familiayaallen5421]

@7Y8 @7Y8 You should really educate yourself on this topic. Anecdotal interactions you've had with autistic people does not encapsulate the autistic experience as a whole. While autistic people might share some traits the way they present in each person is different and unique in each individual. For example as an autistic I could either be hyper or hypo sensitive to noise or whatever other sensory issues I might have. Just like allistics autistic people have thier own strengths and struggles that vary from person to person. If you know one or even two autistic people who present the same, that is not evidence that all autistic people are the same, to claim that is the case, is both offensive and small minded. Spreading harmful misinformation has lead to a lot of fear and stigma directed toward the autistic community. Ignorance is not bliss get off KZbin and read some actual studies or blogs written by people who are actually autistic or just don't comment about topics you don't have any real knowledge of besides "hey I know a guy..."

[@HectorMurrieta]

@7Y8 You cannot asses so categorically other person’s experience, specially based on simpleton criteria such as “attention seekers” & “legitimate autism”.

[@stefanmargraf7878]

Thats a way of smart copying. Females are mostly stronger in copying, but that may exhausting. Therefore, if you can relaxe after the travel contact.

[@kilo-watt]

42 and diagnosed recently. Having my entire life experience validated is a feeling I can’t describe.

[@jstrav88]

I’m 67 and realize I have tried to mask all my life, though pretty much unsuccessfully. I was super shy and always felt out of place, even in my own family, except for my loveliest of grandmas. I am happily married and my husband is on the Asperger spectrum, I’m pretty sure. Thankful that my three children are neurotypical , social and successful and happy and are good to me. In social settings , it is often discouraging to be around neurotypical people because I can only wish..

[@ruthyanosko5635]

You sound so sweet. Hoping all the best for you. Ruth

[@surlespasdondine]

I just told my husband that I'm overwhelmed if I see friends or family and they right away bombard me with questions - so I'm the person who comes into the house and immediately starts talking and tries to get people hooked on a topic, and usually I then let the people continue that conversational thread without me. Mission accomplished: no one managed to get in a question. Whenever someone looks that they are about to ask me a question, I say something. This sounds weird af, but this is probably a good place to talk about things like that.

[@with_compassion]

Thank you for sharing-I do similar things. I'm told it's one form of my hyper vigilance. For me it feels like a safety-mechanism when i notice it.

[@MBXGill]

People are always shocked when I say people exhaust me (though I love them) because I often do this very thing.

[@alexamassey7851]

I have struggled in my life with mostly making good friends that are what could be called “trauma bond” friendships which can often be unhealthy. But I realized watching this when you wrote about reaching out to people who were having a hard day that that was a skill I also learned as a way to connect with others and maybe that laid the foundation for later friendship problems I’ve had. Basically I learned how to be a friend by just offering support but never expecting it in return.

[@alexamassey7851]

I do the overly polite talking and voice as well. I think it’s both a mask and a way to survive in the world because if you are the extra nice person they are more likely to accommodate your needs.

[@MaxOakland]

@@alexamassey7851 I relate to that a lot

[@jflowers41]

I’m 46 and just now realizing I may be autistic. I relate to most of the things you talked about in this video. I’ve taken a couple assessments that said it’s highly likely that I’m autistic. I’ve gone through several lists of quirks/characteristics and relate to the majority but yet I still have doubts and feel almost guilty for thinking I am autistic. I’m not really in a position to get an official diagnosis (I’ve heard the process is expensive) but I don’t feel quite right saying I have it without it being official. I do get a great deal of relief when I find out that something I’ve done or struggled with all my life is actually an autistic trait. Finally there’s a reason for it! Now I just need to learn how to deal with these traits to better navigate life. I have a lot of unmasking to do too! 46 years worth!

[@lauranilsen8988]

I can relate so much to this. I’m almost 56 and I’m almost positive I’m autistic and it started with figuring out my 27yo daughter is def autistic (and that started with my now 25yo son thinking he might be autistic!). None of us are diagnosed. I don’t think I’ll bother with it but I know some won’t take me seriously if I don’t get a diagnosis by a professional. Even my daughter who said “yeah I’ve wondered if I have it” also said, “but the internet can make you think you have all sorts of things”. Gosh I wish my mother had lived 4 more years to find out why her daughter was so “different”, as she used to say.

[@DunderMifflin_ThisisPam]

I'm 47 and I think very similarly. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want attention. But I'm quietly processing and trying to figure out what to do with this information.

[@luizasampaio9614]

Omg, I can relate *so much* with you just said, all of you. I'm just 18yo, and I'm starting to know more and more about autism in females, and I also think I might be on the spectrum. The thing is: I'm afraid of saying it to anyone, for the same reasons you just said, and, also, I don't have the confidence that I might be on the spectrum cause, to be considered autism, the traits must appear in ur childhood, and I basically don't have access to those memories, I struggle a lot when I try to remember my past (I always end up in infuriating, shameful, disgusting memories), so I don't know if the traits were there, because I cannot just go through my memories like a normal person. and in addition to that, I don't want to ask my parents those things because it can also trigger those bad emotions.

[@oliviaknight1123]

I could have written your comment myself. Swapping 46 for my 42. I imagine you are as glad as I am that I found this brilliant channel. I hope you're doing ok 😊

[@jflowers41]

@@oliviaknight1123 It is a great comfort to know I’m not alone in this! But I do feel bad for the struggles. I’m still unsure how to deal with it all but I’m learning coping skills from watching channels like this. One thing that has helped me is the tip of not broadcasting to everyone that I am autistic. A lot of people don’t know much about it and they just don’t know how to respond. Rather than always saying I am autistic I just tell them the struggle I’m having like I get overwhelmed when there’s a lot of noise and chaos. That has made it a lot easier to share about my autism to my parents especially.

[@sum414everuakn]

A recent realization for me has been that I often seem very confident even when I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Apparently I cover my anxiety with outward confidence. It might sound great, but it makes it impossible for other people to notice when I start to get overwhelmed. It has also gotten me into trouble at work when I just couldn't talk to people all of a sudden because I didn't know what to do. In customer service, that is just REALLY bad... Maybe the confidence comes from the times when I just don't stop talking about things I know how to do or my special interests. I just do my tasks and keep things at work organized

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I can relate to this. People never really understand when I’m struggling bc I always appear pretty calm on the surface.

[@Catlily5]

I suspect that my friend is neurodivergent. She always seems super calm. She told me she didn't feel so calm underneath though.

[@rightweaponry908]

I think it comes from learning how to manage anxiety internally, like i can be having a whole anxiety attack and other people have no idea, i just have such a strong internal dialogue that helps calm me down rather than relying on other people to help me

[@missyrissy1110]

Wow! Yes! Constant feedback I got was “You’re always so confident” I NEVER felt confident, but when I took charge and directed, things went much more smoothly. Without very clear direction from whomever was in charge I was very anxious, being in charge was good for me. I also got told I had an RBF ALL THE TIME!

[@loner844]

I don’t think I ever appeared confident on the surface, but I do often appear calm on the surface even when I’m not. It’s because the feelings get stuck below the surface, whereas I feel neurotypicals’ feelings are more buoyant lol

[@The_New_Abnormal_World_Order]

I've been told by a psychologist that I don't seem autistic and another mental health person, 'You are not autistic.' But I've always been sooo awkward socially, apart from the odd occasion where I'm in a particularly good mood and I feel comfortable around someone. I've had several close friends who have Asperger's or high functioning autism (not sure which, I used to think they were the same thing?) and I mirror a LOT. From time to time I do wonder.

[@Dakota.Covers]

I am a 53 year old father of a 15 year old daughter who was just diagnosed with autism last week after being evaluated. I’m here to learn more about how I can understand and help her, especially since she is a very smart person but has a difficult time attending full days of school and with reading comprehension. I have always thought I have social anxiety. You described so many masking techniques that I used in school that it sounded JUST like me. I was homecoming and prom king, valedictorian, class president and was in three sports and band but I struggled in so many of the same ways as you. I don’t know how to differentiate anxiety from autism.

[@toleary5714]

I'm on a similar journey. Social anxiety versus being on the spectrum, versus trauma. It's complicated.

[@Ikr2025]

Wow that’s a LOT of recognition and attention for someone with high anxiety!!

[@Dakota.Covers]

@@toleary5714 yes. Trauma too. Same here

[@toleary5714]

@@Dakota.Covers Have you seen a therapist about this? I just talked to someone about it for the first time last week. There are some things we just can't figure out on our own and we need to ask for support.

[@Dakota.Covers]

@@toleary5714 yes I have recently

[@sueannevangalen5186]

I can relate to being called shy and questioning whether or not that's actually true about me. I can remember being called "humble" in a way that was meant to be a compliment but feeling that this word didn't exactly fit with what I know about myself, or at least, that my quietness was not related to humility or even shyness. I think my quietness and unwillingness to put myself forward is more related to anxiety than anything else.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes - it is frustrating to be typified in a way that negates what you feel to be true inside, yet not have the words to communicate why. I think many of us experience this!

[@bunnykatsoracle3275]

Interesting. I have also been accused of shyness and considering my varied experiences as a singer , acrobatic performer, actor etc I think its safe to say that is no true ! More often I'm simply not interested in joining idiotic conversations around me centering around partying , what objects/products people are buying, what they are doing with their hair etc... but if people have something interesting to share I'm happy to join in. It's just that most... don't. Small talk is just so boring I just don't have the energy to engage 😴 . But fine... I'm "shy" then. Ok 🙄

[@sugoiharris1348]

The point about singing was so accurate. All of it was really, but there are times, especially by myself in my car, that my singing voice feels rich and like it’s me and then I would sing the hymns in church and my voice would feel reedy and weak and I would just think I couldnt sing at all and my car voice was a fluke.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes!! This! My car voice is strong and fluid. Totally different in other settings.

[@dianapellegrini]

OMG The car voice!!! Haha ♡ yes. It's really amazing to find resonance in such small details. Thanks again for all the comments on the voice and singing issues. It is a tiny-huge breakthrough to me. I guess I should give singing another try soon, not only as another round of trying to pursue a very challenging passion, but also as a whole un-masking experiment.

[@sandrakulikowski6305]

I’m 62 years old and I’ve finally been able to open the window and breathe fresh air. Finding your channel has been so helpful. Thank you for sharing. You are helping my thoughts and feelings more than anyone. Thank you.❤

[@angelkaede]

Only the other day, I went to talk to a doctor to start my journey. She kept commenting about how I’m pleasant and smiley to talk to and I or so worried she’d shut me down in my assumptions, but all I could do was awkwardly nod and smile. I work in a customer facing job, I’m used to having to pretend to be pleasant and polite in the right situation. Thankfully she did refer me, but it really bugged me that she said that. She should know that I was likely masking.

[@Rachel-kk1wh]

I came here after being told by a therapist who had done psychological testing on me when younger that I may be on the spectrum. This sent me reeling emotionally. I was upset because I did not want to believe something was wrong with me. I am in my late 20s, socially connected with people, and professionally successful. I could think of so many reasons why I could not be autistic. I do not need repetition, I don’t have any particular passions or interests that I’m super invested in (although I wish I did), I’ve got a small few friends from each stage of life, I’m skilled at analyzing relationships, and I’ve been successful professionally. But I’ve also been prone to anxiety, I care way too much about what people think (and often analyze whether people like me), I can be overly chatty or quiet, I feel want to try to fill the silence, I’m awkward feeling with some social circles (but felt so connected in grad school), change scares me, I’ve got some nervous ticks (nail picking) and am a perfectionist, and still do have some routines for sake of consistency (afternoon gym classes, favorite place for dinner or coffee mid-week, but I love mixing it up on weekends). I have often felt the desire to want to improve and better myself to be more comfort and accepting of who I am, but have not found therapist or support group for that, and still find my family and friends my safest place. I don’t know if I am autistic, if that was a misdiagnosis. I’ve got a slower processing speed when my stress level gets higher, but is that just stress or autism? When so many traits of neurodiversity overlap, it’s hard to know.

[@gabriellegaia2219]

Girl… did you talk to my younger self and got my full description? I’m really bewildered and honestly a little creeped out at how much I relate to your experiences as a teenager. Out of all the videos about non stereotypical autistic characteristics that I’ve related to, this is the one I’ve related to the most BY FAR! I’m crying happy tears because the more I research about, the more I get to the conclusion that I’m actually autistic and have been my entire life and it explains so so much of all the struggles I had and also little things like why it’s always felt so weird to look into someone’s eyes cuz I THOUGHT THAT EVERYONE FELT WEIRD BUT NO ONE TALKED ABOUT IT but it was just me being autistic. I also always tried to stay on a leadership position even though I didn’t necessarily like it because, for example, in work groups at school I would be the one to break everything down and give people options like “we have to do x, y, z so who wants to be responsible for each topic?” because I need order and clear instructions and not everybody would do it like this and it confused me a lot. I express myself so much better in writing. I was always the one that talked to the teachers and ended up being labeled “teacher’s pet” because I liked talking to them about other things instead to leaving the classroom to go to the very noisy school yard. The list goes on and on. I found your yt channel recently but I’ve really loved it from the start. This video, though, is my favorite. Thank you.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You are very welcome. Thank you for this comment. I was teacher’s pet as well! But yeah my teachers felt so much safer to me than my peers. I’m so glad you’re here!

[@ashleyfarrell3576]

I also thought everyone felt weird but no one talked about it!!

[@gabriellegaia2219]

@@ashleyfarrell3576 yeah!!! you never think there’s something so fundamentally different on you when you’re a child so what’s the point of speaking up?

[@mortenle]

Everyone doesn't feel socially awkward? I really am only getting that now at 58--I've been teaching for 30+ years which has been taking all my limited energy that whole time. My grad degree is in writing, but a lot of us teach and teaching hurts me, but online teaching felt good again. Those non-awkward neurotypical folks are the people at my work who have been most upset about having to teach from home, I think.

[@taracat7141]

@@mortenle this is a really helpful way to explain the difference between Neuro Typical and Neuro Divergent 🧡🙏🧡

[@eisdamme]

I was in such an odd space as a teen. My longest special interests were makeup and fashion (I should have been a stylist!) but oh boy was I unpopular and weird. It got worse in college where other girls that didn't like me and were mean to me asked me to do their hair and makeup and sometimes borrow accessories. Of course I couldn't say no or tell them to shove it because I was (and still am) a walking fawn response. But also! I finally found a real friend group my last year of college and they have almost all gone on to be late diagnosed ND. So I truly believe that we find each other.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

So glad you’ve found a group that supports you!!

[@nickanthropocene6502]

What does "ND" mean?

[@eisdamme]

@@nickanthropocene6502 Neurodivergent. (They were later diagnosed Autistic, ADHD or AuDHD.)

[@tessaoliver]

I used to practice smiling b/c I was soooo tired of everyone assuming I was angry all the time. Since we had to wear masks for the past 2 years, I've drifted back to letting my face stay at whatever my default expression is.

[@maplenook]

We didn’t have to wear masks…. Complying with bs leads to way worse bs.

[@tessaoliver]

@@maplenook I work in a direct care facility. I have to follow the mandatory guidelines of my workplace if I wish to keep my job. While I do not enjoy wearing the masks, I enjoy my job well enough that I do not wish to seek employment elsewhere at this time.

[@uhhmanda]

Whoa. I can't believe how many times I said "omg holy sh*t. I did that " 😅 I grew up being SUPER involved in youth group at my church and I remember enjoying being part of the crowd but not part of the group, so to speak. I was in a leadership position for like 10 years, starting from being an early teen onwards. We would hold youth group in the gym (Catholic school) and I DISTINCTLY remember making the rounds on the perimeter of the gym where all the quiet kids would be sitting alone and speaking to each one of them. I had this thing that I explained to people sometimes that I had been through some very rough emotional patches and so I thought that it was up to me to be "the light in someone's day". Seems a little holier than thou like I'm special, but I always felt like I saw myself in each one of those kids, even if they were peers. I was always skirting the edges of groups, being social but not feeling like I fit in or knowing when to interject.

[@whitneymason406]

I went through a gothic phase in high school and I found my tribe in the drama club (which I'm pretty sure had some other neurodivegent individuals too!) I struggled in math and science but I'd come in early to get help and do extra credit so I passed. I love writing too! In 4th grade I wrote love letters to my crush. In high I wrote some pretty awful poems 😆 and journaled a bunch. I cried a lot in school, which definitely made me feel like a freak since everyone else didn't break down over something like a D grade. I think growing up undiagnosed in itself is traumatic. I'm so glad my son got diagnosed at 2. Lastly my husband overheard your tortilla tossing on people's yards and was cracking up! Great video Taylor, thanks for sharing your experiences! ❤

[@sueannevangalen5186]

I relate to a lot of this, Whitney, except drama club. I wish I'd been in drama club because I actually feel really comfortable in front of a lot of people. As long as I've had time to prepare. I was definitely a writer and a crier 😂

[@Catlily5]

@@sueannevangalen5186 I cried a lot in school also. I finally learned to cry silently in the bathroom so people wouldn't make fun of me.

[@jenniferbatey3154]

My daughter is 7 and was diagnosed Autistic at 5. I find that watching channels like yours helps me understand her and a potential view of her future possibilities. I don’t desire to change her, but I do want her to have the most fulfilling life she can have. I want to help her navigate this world that doesn’t always conform to or understand her needs.

[@keylanoslokj1806]

Very hard. It's a cursed fate for most

[@molliegrrrr]

I don’t even know what my real singing voice is, to this day. I’m 42 now and learning still coming into being comfortable without masking more and more all the time.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It’s an important journey! Sometimes feels a little too slow of a process for my liking but I’m glad I’m learning.

[@molliegrrrr]

Absolutely, I am searching for a doctor that will diagnose me because I know I will accept myself more. So yes, many things filter in way slower than I (or we) feel they should but I know it’s about the journey and making the most out of today. Thank you for you channel. ❤️

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! Thanks for watching and for sharing your experiences here. They will help others!

[@molliegrrrr]

Hi Tay. Do you happen to have a list of books you’ve read about autism and for mental health? Those would be helpful for me. Thank you for your time. Have a great day, blessings.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Sure do!! kzbin.info/www/bejne/qJevmXx5fphgoc0

[@Jamie_Wilson]

This is my mum, absolutely makes sense. I'm autistic myself, and I've worked out my sister is too, my nan was quite obviously and I think my mum too now. She'll never agree with me on that though, cause she's quite functional, very actually. I can see the signs myself from the outside, but for her she's happy and she has her own "ways" or "quirks" that are obviously things she's figured out to become the woman she is today. It doesn't help her at all really to get a diagnosis, she's good, she's successful in her work, she keeps it together, so why push her unnecessarily. I think one of the things that helped her cope, was that she is also very pretty. She's nearly 60 now, but she looks great still, and she's always been attractive, especially when she swapped glasses for contacts, changed her hair and boom... suddenly very popular. Like you, I think especially for women being attractive is a big "mask" as it were, for people on the spectrum. If your nice looking, being awkward and having these odd social skills isn't a big deal. Other women will let you in their group because having the attractive girl brings the whole group some clout. And guys will still want to get to know you, awkwardness can often be quite appealing, quite "cute" you could say. For guys, being awkward gets you labelled weird or creepy, being good looking doesn't negate as much for males.

[@elitetrainercynthia7394]

I spent my entire life learning to pass for normal. Peers thought I was just weird, and I am! Those who are different are my favorite people. Now I am older and get the privilege of working with kids. Neurotyptical and neuroatypical alike, I love my kids - students- alike. We are all on the same journey. No one gets easy or normal. Some people do for a short time. God bless them when they do,but it doesn't last for anyone. Be happy for them when they have it.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓

[@T.T.M.60]

I can so relate to the singing voice issue! I have been trying not to suppress it but I’ve spent so many years doing it that it’s hard.

[@jillfanning749]

I wish I could see my neurodivergence as a gift. Right now it feels more like a burden. Lately I just keep finding myself apologizing for saying the wrong thing, speaking at the wrong time, or making the wrong facial expression. I feel broken but no matter what I do I just can’t seem to do the right things and fit in. I mean - I know I’m not broken, I’m just different - but I’m like a cube trying to fit in a circular hole. I just can’t.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I definitely have periods of time where it only feels like a weight that's dragging me down. Sorry to hear you're going through this right now.

[@HappyHoney41]

People don't realize how blessed they may be by having this stuff come naturally. I'm exhausted. I had to read books on body language, common phrases; and watch others like they were subjects in an experiment. I knew I was different and had social & physical issues. I masked for 60 years and didn't know I was autistic. (Never put the rocking, headbanging, etc., etc., etc. together to get to Autism. They just never really talked about it in front of me much, or I was not listening to them. lol.)

[@passaggioalivello]

I didn't know about the Homecoming thing. The story of my life it's kind of tragic, I recognize that, but I think I never passed for a neurotypical, despite my efforts. At school, I just was the quirky, weird, girly kid to brutally bully, with the tacit endorsement by teachers, despite I tried to mask the real me with the only goal to be invisible. It never worked (yeah, I really suck to imitate neurotypicals). I never had a single friend or even an acquaintance. This lack of "social training" brought me to be seen as a weirdo during adulthood too and being bullied at work or during my volunteer activities. Finally, I feel welcome here and I thank you and this awesome community.

[@whitneymason406]

I'm so sorry upbringing was hard for you, pass. I'm glad you can be yourself here. We are grateful to have you in this community as well! ❤

[@passaggioalivello]

@@whitneymason406 Thank you, Whitney, you're always so kind to me.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Whitney is pretty great! And you are too, pass. So glad you feel safe here and I’m sorry for the undeserved stress you have lived through.

[@passaggioalivello]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you.

[@lorrainetyler9659]

I just got diagnosed with ASD at age 35. I relate to your comments about finding new features of your voice as you learn to unmask. I'm a singer, but only got the courage to perform in my 30s. I feel like I've been unlocking new vocal capacities as I become more comfortable expressing my whole self.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is great to hear! Thanks for sharing.

[@LogoFreak93]

Hi! I'm also a small KZbinr with autism!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Hi Robin! Thanks so much for your comment. No, it's not hard to read. I followed you the entire time through! Just subscribed to your channel. Thanks for sharing your experiences here! Great reminder that we are all unique and have our own autistic experiences.

[@ez665]

Just wanted to let you know that I really like the way you communicate & if you approached me in public and said hi, I would say hi back and strike a conversation! i think that friendliness and openness are underrated in this day and age. My grandparents strike conversation with strangers easily and I’m a little jealous because it’s not as normal in our generation. Generally I think people have a lot less social skills now because little things that you can use to strike conversation & socially connect with a person (ie asking for directions, the time, etc etc) we don’t really have to do because we have all the information we need on our phones. Because of that it’s almost kind of “weird” ask? So truly don’t blame yourself for other people struggling to be open/socialise in the way that you want to. My go to way of socialising is definitely the “polite voice”, asking questions, smiling a lot and complimenting people just like OP. I listen a lot to people and I’ve surrounded myself with a variety of people, so I can plan my interactions based on prior “evidence” of what works and what a person might like to hear/talk about if they’re similar to someone else I know. I’m not diagnosed as autistic but am awaiting assessment for ADHD. The main reason I always wanted friends was so I could go and do things with them (adhd impulsiveness & need for stimulation). So I used to watch and read TONS on how to socialise, tips on body language, how to appear confident or fun or funny. I’d watch a lot of comedy for instance & used to be good at impressions so I could make people laugh. I also mirror people a LOT. It’s kind of exhausting because so much of my time and energy went into understanding social interactions/other people. It’s hard to keep up & I get burnt out really easily. I’m very prone to anxiety and depression and even suicidal ideation. So I think that being around someone like you, who is open and yourself would be lovely because it would help me to just let go of that mask and be myself. I didn’t mean to just talk about myself but just thought I’d share my experiences - masking doesn’t come naturally it’s a lot of work. Sometimes you don’t realise how much work it is until you’re burnt out and can’t muster the energy to do it. But because of my intense social anxiety I kind of can’t help it, I have to if that makes sense?? I hope that explains

[@LogoFreak93]

@@ez665 Hi!

[@cdawg9218]

I just realised my love and talent for acting (which I never understood why I was always surprisingly good at until now 😅) singing and dance helped me mask all through high-school and well into adulthood. Being able to practice interactions with people and being given direction by people like directors and choir masters really helped me feel comfortable in a group setting and I always had a source of friends who had similar interests so social interaction was easier. Hindsight sure is 20/20 😅 Edit: yes I can definitely sing better when I'm not masking. I have been vocally trained and I can feel and hear the difference despite my knowledge.

[@susanlivingston3075]

OMG....... you're my mini me! Homecoming queen, cheerleader, leadership, etc. We moved from a small town to a tiny town.....2 blocks long. 22 people in my class, most families had been there for generations. I was new and smart and pretty, though I didn't think so and felt very awkward. With only 20 people in my class, we were a tight group and I was absorbed into it. That gave me so many opportunities to cut and paste. There were a handful who had my back for sure......what a blessing. Graduated in 1965 and most of us are still in touch. I "revealed" myself to the ones closest to me and the laughed good natured and said, You were smart and pretty we just thought you were just too cool! I moved 3 years ago and two of my closest compadres live near here.....we get together regularly. It's so great.

[@TerrPebb71618_]

Yes I did the voice masking and not liking the sound of my voice most of my life but loving to sing but always feeling I could do much more with my singing voice if taught properly ! Wow this is enlightening especially since I am much older woman who has never been diagnosed with Autism! I also cried a lot in private in my room as a child❣️

[@BADDEC101]

I have not been diagnosed as autistic but I do get asked a lot if I am, usually, in a 1st time interaction. At Age 39, a CT scan revealed a giant scar going across my frontal lobe as well as a little damage associated with the temporal lobe. In tracing it back to an accident I had when I was 6-7 years old, I started to understand why I have such a short fuse. This short fuse, while growing up, lead me to be a pretty volatile person but I learned how to curb the outbursts by talking a vigorous walk. All through Junior High, High School, and the college years...when ever I would be in a group of people (and my short fuse was sure to burn out) I would just leave the group, take a walk, and find myself somewhere else, calmed down with some other group. I floated around from group to group and, inadvertently, became quite popular by Senior year of High School. I was great at hiding my short fuse until I reached age 35 and decided to go sober. Now, 42 and being sober, and without all the crutches I used to keep myself from snapping, all I have left are taking long walks...walks that take me further and further away from being able to maintain friendships, not to mention maintaining a job. It's getting rough.

[@natashafarver]

okay honestly the character personification thing is so funny to me because the first time I realized I do that is when my best friend and I holed up one winter and watched every season of It's Always Sunny. Within the first few days she started calling me Charlie because I somehow just morphed and combined my being with his character 😂

[@TheRisingIcarus]

Homecoming and honestly the whole American high school experience seems SO terrifying and socially exhaustive to me haha, it's impressive you were homecoming queen!

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Not really. Its fine for most people. It's mostly boring, to be honest.

[@varvaracoronado9036]

I think the older we become the more we get in peace with our own neurodiversity. Learning more about myself allows me to show my real self. But it comes with the price and is not always beneficial. For example, I realized that I mask the hell out of myself while interacting with my in-law’s family. Every family get together costs me a ton of 🥄🥄🥄😵‍💫. Knowing this I chose to live as far as I could from them to avoid unnecessary interactions. Because when I try to be myself (=autistic af) everyone starts asking me if I’m ok/sick/something bad happened? 🤦‍♀️ Sometimes it’s more feasible to reduce interactions with the hardheaded people (especially if they are relatives and interactions is unavoidable). But, once we get to know new people, it’s better to be truthful to yourself and do not mask anymore.

[@T.T.M.60]

Well said and I can relate!….my husbands family get togethers are really hard for me as there are usually 20 or more people and it’s always so loud. I can only get through it by masking. This holiday season I took my own car so I could leave before I had no more spoons and it worked beautifully. Being my true self is reserved for my husband, kids and a few close friends.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Way to make accommodations for yourself! 🥳

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Love this perspective and really connect to what you’re saying! Also I really dislike being asked what’s wrong when I feel like I’ve been perfectly agreeable and am actually enjoying myself

[@AHappy]

@@MomontheSpectrum omg this! The amount of times I get asked if I’m ok, when everything I’ve done or said shows I am.

[@micivalantincic8227]

My advise-let him go alone. I made a deal with my partner that I handle my family and he handels his. For me it was all to much and having to smile constantly and being talked to from all sides. I had to sleep for 14hours after. No point. I rather read or draw and stay calm. He can go if he wants to. It is his family. Mine is burden enough for me.

[@ashleyfarrell3576]

32 year old “shy” smart girl here. I’m on my way to professional diagnosis. I relate to SO MUCH of what you say.

[@julierhan]

I really relate to the smiling. Now that I am more aware of masking, I realize I do it constantly in public.

[@brockseeman7808]

All of this rings so close to me Tay! The first person I reached out to about possibly being on the spectrum was one of the few close friends I kept from the Marines, we share so many quirks, weird sense of humor, was also a huge DCI percussionist band geek, and he immediately was like "yeah dude you for sure are, because so am I, that's why we're friends" it blew my mind and so much just clicked in my mind in that moment 🤯🤯 great video once again, thanks

[@sueannevangalen5186]

Yes! I have a friend who began to identify as autistic not long after I did. Autistic people have a way of finding each other and becoming friends. For sure.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is so cool! Thanks for sharing

[@taoist32]

@@sueannevangalen5186 I agree. Our inner radar attracts other Aspies. I have a friend who fits most if not all criteria for ASD1. I do too. He may not know it since he believes he has just a learning disorder.

[@bradscraps]

I’m diagnosed with ADHD, but I’ve been feeling like there is more to me than just that one diagnosis, so I’ve been leaning towards autism for a bit. I grew up the Band Geek as well(saxophone), but I was so good at masking that I had different friend groups that I was able to associate with decently. I tended to take on some of the personality traits of those I hung out with, and the change happened rapidly. It still happens to this day as a 29 yo guy in the military. Still seeking a diagnosis as this is what makes the most sense to me.

[@scotttraynor8573]

Direct eye contact feels to me like someone is looking into your soul, makes me feel very uncomfortable.

[@meganm4877]

Oh my god ‘the pleasant voice’; this makes so much sense - smiling, being agreeable, intentionally modifying my voice…. I’ve done this for decades

[@meganm4877]

And mirroring 🙃

[@haleybaley7701]

I have recently discovered I was autistic after being diagnosed with ADHD last year. Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing your experiences! I relate so much to your story as I too was labelled the shy, smart girl my whole life. I have a lot to learn in unmasking and being more true to myself, but I am so happy I have found your channel! P.S. I also love singing and I have always felt like there was some part of my voice that was 'untapped' and your revelation about it maybe being linked to your masking voice is so interesting! I relate to this, but am once again still learning what my 'mask' is.

[@CricketGirrl]

A wonderful voice teacher unlocked my true voice, and it is deep and powerful!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

this makes me so happy! I wish I had a wonderful voice teacher! Do you know if your teacher offers virtual lessons?

[@CricketGirrl]

Well, it's been almost 30 years, and I don't think he's alive anymore. His methods involved a lot of grounding, and warming up in a very low, relaxed register. Come to think of it, mental health requires a lot of grounding too! There has to be a lesson in there somewhere!

[@turnleftaticeland]

OMG you’re the first person who’s ever mentioned the singing thing!!!!! Yes!!!! I’ve always felt like there was supposed to be something more to my voice but I just couldn’t reach it, and I did the polite young voice thing too!!!!! Wow. That’s enlightening. I’ve certainly strengthened my singing voice a hell of a lot in the time since I started consciously making an effort to stop masking, but I never would’ve realized to correlate the two. That’s so interesting.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Ok new info I’m learning! Our vagus nerve runs from our brain to our stomach and connects to all of the systems in our body. It is also influential over the voice box and when we are relaxed, the vagus nerve allows the voice box to relax and we can hear more variations in the voice and more colors that we can’t hear when we are stressed!!!

[@turnleftaticeland]

@@MomontheSpectrum Ohhh my god, no way. That’s so cool. Because the main thing that’s helped me strengthen my voice is really focusing on breathing from my diaphragm, and another thing I’ve been working on in my unmasking journey is calming my anxiety with deep breathing. It all makes sense. Thank you so much for the info.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Sure! If you’re interested in psychology and stuff 😆 the book where I’m learning this is called How to Do the Work by Nicole LePera. It’s super fascinating.

[@turnleftaticeland]

@@MomontheSpectrum Ooo I’ll have to check that out!

[@lolly_golightly]

@@MomontheSpectrum yes, the voice being stressed *plus* the trait you mentioned regarding taking on aspects of characters or people you admired as your own awhile *plus* skills at mirroring/mimicking mean that, if it’s my range, I struggle not to sound precisely the same as the original artist of any song I enjoy. Every. Single. Detail. When I was younger and taking voice lessons, teachers would say, “Good, but now let’s do it in *your* voice!” Huh?? Didn’t I just? (*we are the only two people in a mirrored practice room, sooo*). It took me a long time to understand that comment, despite hearing it so often. I’d think, “That was *me* singing; who else’s voice could it be? We are the only ones here!?” And more importantly , I’d think, “I just sang the heck out of that song. It was *almost perfect*. Next time I need to remember there’s that vocal fry section coming and not take such a big breath and …” It’s a funny memory - thanks for sharing; the validation is like a warm hug … that we didn’t have to give. :)

[@Kelly_Mae]

I was a cheerleader, the female lead in musicals and choir. I was attractive and hung out with people involved in those things. It was a game to me. I was always playing the role of dumb blonde. People liked me more when I played that character than when I was myself. I was the yes friend who would go with any of my friends ideas good or bad. I was a very good listener, and purposely asked lots of questions so that I didn’t have to talk about myself. And give lots of compliments. I found out I am autistic with adhd as a mom in my mid 30’s In early elementary school I was a “gifted” student, but I was in trouble for talking all the time. Like I never ever shut up. Ever. 😅 I was also in ballet and was “gifted” (I strongly dislike that term) in ballet but quit because I could not figure out the other girls in my classes and they teased me a lot.

[@victoriaoliver9958]

I relate so much to your experiences growing up. 💕

[@laceyjeffries281]

OMG. I just found your channel today and have watched a few episodes. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30s. I haven't been diagnosed with ASD (yet), but many of your videos are speaking to parts of me that the ADHD touched on, but never fully explained (THANK YOU for your video about dealing with both conditions at the same time, btw!!). I've never been compelled to comment on KZbin videos, even those that have been life-changing for me, but I just have to say that your "random side note" about realizing you may have been subconsciously masking your singing voice was a huge "aha moment" for me. I really identify with what you said about knowing there's something to your voice that you've never tapped into. For me, I think because I already found a version of my voice that's not just socially acceptable, but considered something that's special about me, continuing to push further into the possibility of more talent was an uncomfortable thought. Not physically uncomfortable, but too far outside my comfort bubble to risk changing something about myself that I'm proud of and like. Thank you for not cutting that random thought in editing! It sparked something for me that I really can latch onto and pursue to better understand myself.

[@tvbot1984]

I was also homecoming queen. I have masked so long it feels so nice to just be myself. I’m also a vocalist and I masked with my voice as well then I went to college and my vocal instructor was amazing and helped me step out of that box! I’ve always admired the Regina Spektors of the world but I’d hear things and think that sounds silly but then I’d obsess and grow to love it and mimick some

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Regina spektor is 💯

[@lolitalolita7561]

This is my first time watching your video. I am mom to two autistic boys. Hearing you talk about what you went through growing up and how you cope is helpful in understanding my kids to support them better.

[@beckymesky]

I think sometimes we have to put so much effort into Nuro typical politeness that it really impedes our ability to process our own thoughts because we are prioritizing fitting in. Similar to in the Civil War days when somebody who wore glasses had to take them off because the culture said it was impolite to wear glasses, in order to talk to their commander. I feel like that’s a time you really need to wear them

[@victoriajohnson3034]

Public speaking classes and eye contact practice changed the game for me

[@RahRahSisBoom13]

The kind voice… the first time my oldest step-son heard what I call my “I’m a damsel in distress, please help me” voice that I use for customer service (either asking for it or providing it), he stared at me with eyes wide, and exclaimed “who was that you just pretended to be, that didn’t even sound or look like you!”

[@annaleefuerstenau4286]

Lol, my son keeps telling me at a drive thru that my voice is so weird when I order food...I never noticed it until he pointed it out!

[@ooknittylou]

The voice thing resonates with me sooo much! I always used my cheerful voice that was a pitch higher than my natural voice. For my whole life! But about 4 years ago (I am 38 now), I went through a very scary pregnancy and my body and condition took so much energy that I lost the ability to mask or fake-it-until-I-made-it (which has been my go to self-motivation for my entire life) and my natural voice came out. My natural voice is lower and extremely precise and people say I sound b**chy or like I’m lecturing or arrogant just when I speak normally. It’s hard to navigate because I never speak to be mean or to sound righteous but I’m never heard the way I intend. I’ve resorted to asking many questions and just rely on the fact that people love to talk about themselves. It makes me feel included even when the entire conversation is about them. But then sometimes I feel bad getting off a call when they never asked about me. It’s tricky I guess.

[@Catlily5]

Yes, I too ask people about themselves. Works well.

[@rominagutierrezmora7248]

i relate to the phrase ¨ i'm never heard the way i intend¨ so much, also like saying what i feel but still people dont get me. At age 20/21 i had someone told me that my face always looks like i'm bored or annoyed no matter if i feel happy or i like being with someone my face was the rbf Taylor was talking about, that's when i realized about it and started masking it, whenever i talk to people now i usually smile a lot and try to imitate their expression, or i will raise my voice and say things like Seriously?? and raise my eyebrows to show enthusiasm. And that has made a huuge diference in how i'm perceived i also learned that if i say for example: i'm in pain, i have to act like i'm in pain to be taken seriously, if i'm sad/happy as well. it was really awkward for me at first but it´s becoming more natural now. i'm 23 now i havent been diagnosed yet, but i've been watching videos about autism and i felt very identified so i will talk to my therapist about it. i hope this can be properly understood since communicating my thoughts isn´t my biggest attribute.

[@ooknittylou]

@@rominagutierrezmora7248 masking definitely makes my life easier with people but it’s a high price at the end of the day. It’s exhausting. I mimic people too. It keeps the constant question of “What’s wrong” away. I hate that when I’m just my norm, people always assume something is wrong. It makes it feel wrong to just relax and be myself at peace. Good luck with your therapist. I hope that they are able to correctly diagnose and help you.

[@belled97]

I’m so thankful to have found you. A colleague I work with mentioned her daughter went to school with you and recently saw you and heard about your story. I was also diagnosed in 2020 and I’m continuing to flourish and embrace my neurodiversity.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

So cool!!!! I'm glad you're here. Please let me know if you have any suggestions for future videos or any specific resources you're looking for that I can share.

[@thegracklepeck]

Getting mislabeled as just "shy" and smart when I actually really enjoyed talking was confusing for me. So I would try to dig into that role that people thought I was to, as you say, "play the game right." Really, my social struggles were all autism and not shyness. The "being agreeable" and smiling all the time or just being quiet to "get by" in life is something I'm really working on now because I still default to that in spite of how I really feel (though I am a lot better than when I was younger). And the "polite" or what I call "customer service" voice is still something I slip into without realizing a lot of the time.

[@AugustAdvice]

The tricks you used to mask, are SO SMART omg...I'm jealous I didn't think of things like that to do in high school because it would have made my time there so much easier. Wow.

[@butterpecanrican_]

OMG I do these things as an introvert who's trying to actively work on not being so introverted, and trying to relate to people who I do NOT relate to.

[@littlebird3495]

You are very pretty, that seems to help to some degree with social acceptance. I was also fairly attractive in my youth but that only got me so far. Girls in particular caught onto the fact that something was “off” with me.

[@chelseameyers7184]

Let's see...what DIDN'T I relate to in this video? Nope. Can't think of a single thing. The part when you shared how you changed your voice in social situations made me almost cry because I've done that my entire life, particularly in work situations. I knew that I spoke in a higher voice because I thought that was what you do when assisting somebody else, but now I know it's because I'm masking and now I understand why I'm so exhausted by the end of the day. I've just started coming to the realization that I've been unknowingly autistic my whole life and am now trying to make it a goal to get a professional diagnosis, but work on coping skills in the meantime. There's so much more I could say, but I'm so glad I found your channel!

[@greenmeansgrow7122]

I am so grateful for this video - I have never been able to explain this to people. It's not even for the rude "but you don't look autistic" people... It's the close people who are genuinely confused because you pass so well as neurotypical but it's so incredibly draining. I'm so glad I have a resource I can send them now to help them understand. In terms of often finding ourselves in leadership positions - it's because you're still involved and feel part of whatever is happening, but you don't have to directly be part of the group. And expectations are set out so much more clearly for the leader/you are setting the expectations in a situation you know a lot about. Waaay socially easier than having to just be mixed in with everyone.

[@mazzystarr7078]

I'm older than you but I come to your channel bc I didn't have much of a mom growing up and you give understanding MOM vibes. Thanks for that.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💞💞💞 🥰

[@jstrav88]

I remember reading somewhere that “mother hens” will befriend autistic females

[@Echo3_]

I’m much more on the ADHD side but a lot of this rings true. You have beautiful eyes!

[@scrappyentrepreneur]

✋ diagnosed at 50 things have certainly come a lonnnnnggg way in past 10 yrs. I am soooo grateful for that. the difference between the way neuro divergent were viewed in the 70’s- 2010 vs now is astounding. 😡🤯 I wish I’d known so more before my daughter was a toddler (17 yrs ago). I hate that I modeled many exhausting coping mechanisms & wasn’t as supportive, present or kind as we both wanted.

[@nataliebelluccia656]

Yes, my singing voice definitely suffers due to my masking voice!! It’s such a pain. I relate to SO much of what you said. I always compliment people. That’s the only way I know how to start a conversation to be honest!!😂 I was “friends” with many people in high school but no one would see how masking would destroy me by the end of the day. I was extremely depressed, when I got home I would be absolutely miserable. I struggled with SH/SI. Although I seemed like a cool, smart kid, I was actually miserable and defeated on the inside.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for sharing your experience! 💞

[@milkweed697]

Fellow Queen here! I was honored with being chosen as Prom Queen. Not having much success or excelling at anything in high school I really hoped for it, and even though something in my being was telling me that I would be chosen I wouldn’t let myself believe it and never would have said it out loud because I just figured it was another scene playing out in my head that would end in disappointment. Plus, knowing my competition, I knew I needed to be very appreciative of having been voted onto the court at all and was focused on experiencing that. The night of the coronation, when t was down to the last two of us standing there, I was waiting for my name to be called first … As runner up … and I couldn’t believe that I had gotten that far, and I actually stepped in front of the other girl and stood at the doorway to go down the aisle next. Only it was not my name called first. To this day I’ve never understood how it happened other than that one of my prayers was answered with a ‘yes!’. I do still believe that, but I also heard the things you were saying and I matched almost everyone of them, right down to the band nerd! This was almost 50 years ago!

[@sherryseeton6749]

Hi. Neurodivergent woman here. 😊 68 yrs old and recently 'officially' identified as ADHD, with anxiety. And now, thinking I may also have autistic traits. The title of this video grabbed my attention because in high school, although I was always perceived as 'shy and quiet', and felt completely out of place most of the time, I somehow got selected to be Winter Carnival Queen, Prom Queen, and Yearbook Editor. At the time, I had a strong sense that 'somebody made a mistake' but as a hard-core people- pleaser, I went along because I craved acceptance and approval. But I never stopped being puzzled by how the hell these things happened to me. 😳 Great info, thank you.

[@propernameify]

I can’t believe how similar and connected i feel with every each of you that are both autistic and adhder. Like with no one else before. Ive always felt so misunderstood and different and now I feel like we share the same story although everyone’s still so unique. It gets me the shivers 🥹🫶

[@savannahrelyn8983]

Ok I totally resonated with the vocal bit! I am so passionate about singing but I always felt like it was because I was "shy" that I wasn't able to reach certain registers of my voice. I feel like there is so much more to explore about that. Thank you so much for bringing so many of these thoughts to light, you have been such a valuable resource in me navigating this new world of autism. Please don't ever stop sharing! You help people like me, ESPECIALLY being a mother because there are so little resourcing out there for parents on the spectrum. I am so happy I found your content ❤️

[@AM-ln7op]

This hit surprisingly close, even though we come from different cultural backrounds. I've also used most of these tactics - complimenting people's look, smiling when not feeling like it, asking questions instead of answering, using super-polite voice (and yes, surpressed singing voice is part of it!), copying other people, staying very busy, mirroring etc. Now when I'm over thirty, I've also found a good new one: interacting with babies! Babies seem to like my face and big smile and tend to respond well to me. It's so much easier to talk to adult while looking at a smiling baby who doesn't judge you. And parents are usually flattered when someone admires their child.

[@dawnwatson9410]

Thank you. I have just realized that I am an Aspie at 56 yrs old. It is a relief but also overwhelming.

[@rscuris]

Me too same age. I become very devoted to my interest of the moment

[@ApacheMagic]

Me three! 57. Diagnosed ASD1 and ‘probably ADHD’ 2 years ago.

[@dawnwatson9410]

I had to put both my dogs down in February and I didn’t realize how much they calmed me down. Although I am enjoying my freedom from responsibility, I think I might need to get a cat for the stress relief.

[@ArkaydeTheSage]

I totally resonate with the singing thing. 😅 I love to sing but I can’t sing in my “real voice” for the life of me. It’s always a weird whisper.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Glad I’m not the only one!

[@aspeneagar2421]

Oh my goodness, same here!

[@maddy6496]

This is wild because KZbin recommended this for me randomly and you just described my life 😭 I already know I have dyslexia, and one of my brothers has autism. I’m not sure if it’s ADHD, cPTSD, or ASD but it’s so validating to hear your experience.

[@nunnyabznz]

From another "shy & smart" kid, so much of this was REALLY relatable.

[@Bethherzz]

the vocal gap thing.. i started singing recently and discovered a gap in my range - the gap ended up being my most natural voice register. it's wild how different and more "real" it is, when i am able to access it. thank you for sharing!

[@sarahleony]

Sooooo many things I identify with, too. Great video. You referring to growing up in the south also made something click that I hadn’t been able to grasp before: I believe where I am from has likely influenced my growing up undiagnosed. My home region of Germany is NOT known for being open, positive, inviting and “loud”. And that may have helped me not feel entirely out of place growing up? Like, I didn’t have that stark contrast you described between how people around me act and what I feel comfortable with. Where I’m from, everybody is reserved and low key grumpy with RBF 😆 so I didn’t stick out as much as I might have elsewhere. Very interesting to contemplate anyway. Nature vs. nurture, eh?

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is definitely super interesting! I enjoy thinking about things like this. Thanks for bringing this perspective to the conversation!

[@mortenle]

When I started teaching online at the start of the Pandemic, I was amazed at how my stress levels went down as I communicated more and more online and after the fact in writing. I don't have a major tone problem when I can craft an answer. I also find myself "talking" or sending chats during department meetings when normally I'm quiet and trying not to roll my eyes for others to see. I've also been playing the "I'm -a-social-butterfly-game" all my life, yet I always feel like I fail. I'm so metacognitive it makes me nauseous. I always preferred talking to adults as well. People just thought I was mature. An old soul. A Capricorn. Constantly stressed about interacting with others, and then collapsably fatigued after.

[@vmij6925]

Ouch yes I feel this entirely down to the cap comment 😭 I never knew

[@victoriaoliver9958]

OMG, I completely relate to being metacognative and relating better to adults as a kid.

[@suddenlyautistic]

Australia is so much more huggy than the UK when I'm from. When we moved here, I found the hugs unbearable so I told everyone not to touch me. I didn't get my autism diagnosis until I'd been here for nearly 16 years. So that's a lot of years when people just thought I was a miserable, up-tight English woman. Now I'm like 'yes, I am and I'm also autistic hahahahaha' feels like my 'no hug rule' is more accepted now

[@chelseysizemore9215]

I'm 33 and received my diagnosis this past week. This is so validating. Our experiences mirror eachother very closely. VERY. (I saran wrapped people's cars instead of tortilla-ing their yard. 😂) Just, thank you for this. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. -signed, another "shy smart girl"

[@sueannevangalen5186]

That was awesome. I will be sharing this video! I definitely relate to connecting with people through writing. I can remember going to summer camp and not bonding with anybody all week long (barely even talking to anyone) but then at the end of the week, we'd get a list of everyone's mailing address. And I would think, "Oh, good, NOW maybe I can make some friends." Blowing on my pen fingers kinda thing. But I only ever got one long-term friend that way. Not everyone appreciated the girl writing elaborate monologues about her life in a desperate attempt to connect with people. So yeah. I am a completely different person in writing than I am to talk to.

[@Ramagon98]

SueAnne, I feel your pain with the "elaborate monologues"! ;-) I'm totally the same regarding being a different person in writing vs speaking. On the off chance I do have to make a phone call with someone after corresponding via text or email, I can tell people are taken aback slightly. "Is... now a good time? Everything ok?". "No, ya... uh... I was just trying to think... uhh...". It's difficult to get the order of everything right, the first attempt, in real-time... or at least in the amount of time that seems to be expected?

[@deesparklebazinga7706]

Hey I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD last year at age 37. I was previously diagnosed with anxiety and depression then at 18 I was told I had BPD/EUPD. I later had Bipolar disorder added but none of it felt right to me and the medications (mainly antipsychotics) have helped destroy me physically. It took me several years to look into ASD as I didn't associate it with girls/women but some of my old friends were being diagnosed so I became more curious. I'm so pleased I recognised it in myself and was determined enough to go for the assessment. It was such a validating experience to finally have answers that actually felt right! They suggested getting assessed for ADHD also which I had never considered before and turns out they were correct! It's a lot to process and I'm still learning about myself daily but so pleased to find others talking about their experiences as it helps me understand parts of myself better, Thank you x

[@ApacheMagic]

So glad you got a decent diagnosis at last. It’s awful that you were so misunderstood that you were on drugs for the wrong thing.

[@marthamurphy7940]

I smile a lot, too, because I've been told many times I have a nice smile, so I smile instead of talking. I also showed up when there was work to do: posters to make, decorating, etc. I also discovered that it I stayed up really late at night I'd be so sleepy the next day I wouldn't feel so anxious. I'm not a hugger -- once made a deal with my pastor that we'd just shake hands. What you said about writing resonates. I took shorthand in high school and I used to journal in shorthand. And I'm very picky about pens and pencils -- they have to write very smoothly. If they are scratchy or skip I throw them away. I guess I do or did have a special interest -- sewing. I made all my clothes starting in junior high. I've made down ski jackets, a tent, quilts, and elaborate cloth dolls. I own waaay too much fabric! You are very pretty, and that probably helped with your social life.

[@gloriamurley385]

The notes, questions, compliments, being agreeable, smiling all remind me of myself.

[@aspeneagar2421]

I loved to talk to my teacher and I loved to talk to people about deep things/things that really matter. I also struggled to talk to teachers about grades or things like that even if I was close to them. I way almost always seen as the teacher's pet and was always very loved by my teachers.

[@MonniqueSaoPaio]

I just wanna thank you so much... I'm 32 and starting to pursue a diagnostic and felt so much as an imposter until I found your channel. I am fairly successful at life, honor student, married, nice job.... anyways, so much of what's you said feels like me! The bands, choir, music, books, musical theater, got me through socially. So I seem very "normal" , but always felt so angry, and stressed at things that people find little, not reasons to freak out so much... starting to look at these things as symptoms make me feel less lonely.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're welcome. Thank you for your comment. I'm glad you're here!

[@BlondeJedi]

I am a 62 year old man and new to this community as of this week. Taylor speaks of eye contact. I was called out many times as I grew up by mom and others regarding this and told how important it is in relationships and business. I have worked hard on this. Looking into the camera for my KZbin channel (so I am rarely in front of the camera) feels the exact same way as looking someone in the eye. My mind tends to shut down when I begin to speak if I am looking someone in the eye and I have something thoughtful to say. I need to look away long enough to formulate my thoughts then I can look back and rattle off my prepared speech until I run out of that train of thought then I need to look away again to formulate the next speech. I have become very fast at it. One molecular reason I haven't heard any of them say yet is that as soon as I truly look at someone in the eye/body language, I automatically begin intently reading them and their body language/intentions/thoughts/reactions and it's extremely distracting to the point it takes over my mind and I can't think of what I am saying. I either talk or I read them--not both at the same time. I even told my wife a couple weeks ago (pre-self-diagnosed) about this and how I have decided to ease up on myself and not be so rigid on myself and just talk without eye contact in certain cases including with my clients, esp. if I have familiarity/good relationship with them. It's not ideal but it takes alot of stress off myself in that moment.

[@Thathumanoverthere1701]

I'm a 39yo mom of 2 small girls and am just being diagnosed with Autism. Thank you for this channel. I have been masking for most of my life and it's wonderful to be free to figure out who I am.

[@C-SD]

Vocal chords are like muscles in that you have to work them to strengthen them. So in the range you didn't use, they're weaker. As you stretch and work them your vocal range should strengthen.