My Bottom Surgery Went Wrong

[@Jammidodger]

Thank you so much for all the love and advice everyone! 💛😊

[@tylerwhorff7143]

PTSD is really rough. You're almost there though. You're gonna be okay.

[@sy-qk7xt]

Jammidodger Good luck with your possible surgeries, and I hope that things go better this time!

[@TTimeFTM]

Sending love to you and wishing you patience with yourself! It's ok to feel insecure and anxious after a bad experience.

[@skatersurfersnowboarder3545]

I deff relate to the flashback aspect but mine is more like a wave of anxiety when i think about the complication. I had top surgery which was fine and awesome. But then I had a hematoma. Bled like a liter and a half in my chest... Emergency surgery the works. It was so painful and very traumatic. I had surgery right after you did im almost a year post op! Im so greatful for having my flat chest. But my “waves of anxiety” flashbacks are hard to deal with. Im just tryingto work through each of them as they happen. And remembering the last time it happened i ended up being fine andjust ridingit out. Wow really sounds likeminor panic attacks. But i noticed the waves of anxiety arent as frequent and arent as long as they used to. And as my body heals ithink my mind is catching up, and working through the trauma. All the best to ya Jammi! (hope i spelled it right) My thoughts r with you!

[@JoshuaCatchur]

I use positive self-re-programing to help with changing feelings and thoughts that I feel don't serve me well. It might help you. I keep a piece of paper taped to the bathroom mirror and whenever I'm brushing my teeth, washing my face & hands, etc. I repeat them to myself over and over. Easy one: I have had issues with procrastinating, so I read and say, "I am motivated." Harder one: I had a bad experience with not enough anesthetic during a procedure and not being listened to about it, so I read and say, "I trust my medical team." But before I could say that one to myself I did a more loving one and would read and say, "I trust my soul." Because at first, I knew I didn't trust my medical team because they ignored me. But I know I trusted my soul to lead me through the best possible outcome. So I repeated that one until I was comfortable enough to start working on the medical team. I am still reading it daily. I think when I'm able to think about going through it again without having an adverse physical response then I will be ready. Or start with "Tuna melt paninis are alright and currant jam is okay."

[@rebeccacarss906]

You can get PTSD from surgical experiences. No harm in seeking therapy to discuss and work through it if you feel you need it. They may give you some coping mechanisms if you are in fact near the top of that wait list. Much love xo.

[@annipsy2185]

Im getting it and im not even him I think my imagination/empathy is just too vivid😅

[@altheaunertl]

I was about to comment the same thing! Therapists can be amazing in helping plan for the future while taking past traumas into account.

[@deutaj8586]

Facts

[@hunterG60k]

They don't even have to be major procedures. When I was around 9 or 10 I had a bad experience with an injection and developed a phobia of them. My friend was recently traumatised by having an uncommunicative doctor while she had spinal injections. He didn't talk her through the procedure or warm her about the pain that was likely to occur. All medical procedures are scary and this isn't considered enough in health care.

[@JaneticsInk]

rebecca carss I had a breast cancer scare and the surgery went wrong. I refuse to go back under.

[@taylahtohill5784]

My cats sneezing... Are you okay sweetie?

[@winnie_the_bleh]

“the cat is sneezing...are you okay sweetheart” you are such a sweet wholesome bean. i just want someone to love me the way Jamie loves his cat 😭

[@ericseaford7905]

I agree

[@jessie95934]

Same here

[@Chickenwing5031]

Yep I do too

[@SamirCCat]

A sweet wholesome bean? Like a soy bean covered in sugarless chocolate?

[@franklittle]

Me too!

[@cindytuccelli1]

Sweet Jamie pleaae talk with a professional about PTSD. I had breast cancer 22 years ago and mental side effects were worse than the diseaae itself. I could not look at anything pink (do you know how many pink ribbons were thrown my way???) I couldn't watch Saturday Night Live for 15 years because i risked seeing an old skit with Gilda Radner who died of cancer which means i couldn't watch anything with her husband Gene Wilder. I had to move to another city because i would flash back everywhere i went. I kept fainting so they thought cancer came back as a brain tumor. Was anxiety. It took years to be diagnosed with PTSD but now at least when I flash i know what is happening. My case is extreme but the worst are the years lost to the mental trauma. I love your videos and think you and Shaba are so precious and tell everyone about you. Much love from across the pond xoxo

[@renferal3774]

You dear sweet lady, I wish I could give you a hug...

[@winnie_the_bleh]

cindytuccelli1 you seem like such a sweet lady. i’m so sorry that happened to you. *hugs*

[@kae2489]

Aus Faux you’d think that after being told such a personal and sincere story you’d have something more important to say than a spelling correction

[@Aussywoo]

@@kae2489 never meant any harm with it, stupid decision on my part. Just wanted to leave a friendly reminder. My reaction to the comment was genuine, so I left it out. (I realize that sounds stupid now...)

[@cindytuccelli1]

@@Aussywoo thank you so very much for the correction. I'm so ashamed that when I went back to proof read what I typed on my tiny phone with 54 year old eyes I missed that awful error. I'm sure it ruined the whole message I was trying to convey to Jamie. I also misspelled please.

[@xBoringPerfectionx]

Definitely sounds like PTSD.. You should definitely see someone to talk about your trauma, so sorry you had to go through that xxx

[@thedumbledorkable]

It sounds a lot like PTSD which often happens when surgery goes wrong/major medical procedure occurs. I've been really lucky that any medical procedure I've had has gone well but my parents (I was a minor when they occurred) were made aware that I should probably get therapy or counselling if something went wrong because it is still trauma. Trauma to the body and trauma to the mind. It's just something that happens and it sounds like you've had a helluva time.

[@boocrimson7720]

I might even have it from some tests/scans they used to do with dye and a catheter for my kidneys it was painful and uncomfortable I was fully awake and you were basically bound to the table by a giant machine that went over your lower half so it hurt I had no idea what they were actually doing and I was like a terrified 8 year old at the time because of that and just cause it hurts I really don't like even going to the dentist to be poked and prodded at cause I get panicy that I have no control... however I always say if they loop me up for stuff ir put me under we'd all feel a lot better. As far as I know when I went in for my actual operation I had no reaction to the drugs, felt nothing at all cause I was put under. And I genuinely only remember smelling watermellon scented gas or medicine and watching pokemon for a bit before I went in for surgery. Basically I'd really like to be put under when and if I can even though it worries profeasionals to do that. Just cause well... I'd rather be doing that than screaming bloody murder at getting blood drawn just because I really thought I wasn't gonna need to be stabbed at with things. Pretty much that and a shot series I decided is genuinely kinda useless to my life have given me enough trust issues since the stuff as a kid I go back only if it's zo bad I can't deal.

[@tippib2222]

I think it makes total sense to be scared after that experience, and to have such conflicted feelings. Virtual hugs from Texas.

[@Amber-zt1li]

Please, if you haven't already, watch Hannah Witton's video about surgical PTSD because this sounds so similar. It might be helpful to speak to a professional about how you feel.

[@katiejones4596]

Amber Proffit-Mouland I second this! I’ve not personally had surgery so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this subject and she definitely broke it down in a way that was easy to understand!

[@ladymopar2024]

I had/have it when I had neck surgery, it can cripple you. Thanks for suggesting. Love Jamie and we are all looking after him

[@franklittle]

Thank you Amber for mentioning that video. I just watched it myself and it's great.

[@bobbieabbott]

I agree you are suffering from PTSD. I had an epidural that went really bad 2nd surgery but had to do it again 3rd surgery. They gave me something to mellow me out these were C sections.

[@lola_dash788]

Bobbie Abbott oh god that’s my worst fear. Hopefully things went better the third time

[@joshuadunsdrumset5402]

*P e e n* ™️

[@ohboi8109]

may I play on you

[@kaeson3938]

Love your name

[@annipsy2185]

Painus

[@em0t33th7]

joshua dun's drum set ooo you are legendary

[@joshuadunsdrumset5402]

Anni Psy paainuus what? painus penis? no painus. like pig,, anus?? no dude, you’re saying penis

[@PurpleHat026]

Your shoulders are looking so strong and broad now 😮

[@annipsy2185]

Yah i just commented the same

[@loveland852]

I didn’t notice until you pointed it out, but you are totally right!

[@josiejeanne758]

Shoulder boi

[@josiejeanne758]

Shoulder boi

[@Cat-ew4yf]

*s h o u l d e r b o i*

[@corinnesteele5148]

It certainly sounds like PTSD. Which is not surprising as this sounds like it was a completely traumatic experience for you. Definitely seek therapy to help you process these memories. I'm not a professional but I personally did EMDR therapy for my trauma. It's essentially supposed to help you process everything to make everything feel less raw and help you to become more at peace with what happened. I am sure there are many other professional therapies and methods too!

[@teekoohoo]

With that much pain, misery and angst, you of all people deserves to have the biggest balls money can buy. And can be fitted. Go get'em!

[@luxurypetscz]

he has the huuuugest emotional balls! lol

[@Nhouah]

You may have PTSD, you may want to talk about it to a therapist.

[@PhoenixProdLLC]

Good thing he's never been in a war. He'd be a mental zombie.

[@hazelburke4446]

you don’t have to have experienced war to have PTSD. Just a heads up

[@sablechicken]

What do you think a therapist can do for some one with PTSD anyway? They just make things worse and will put you on drugs. If you want to be healthy...stay way from doctors. They only know how to push drugs and cut people up...they don't specialize in healing or health.

[@Nhouah]

@@sablechicken I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with therapist and it's true there are terrible ones out there but there are also good ones, and it's a very bad idea to advice to people not to get professional help when they might need to. Also, if someone doesn't want to get medication, it's their choice, but not all medication is bad.

[@Nhouah]

@@PhoenixProdLLC You don't have to have experienced war to have PTSD, your comment is pretty insensitive and ignorant.

[@jasminejo2424]

when i was a teenager i had an operation and was given that banana flavoured penicillin for weeks after and the smell or taste of that artificial banana years after made me feel physically sick. one day in my early 20s i bought a bag of banana chewy sweets that smelled just the same and i just sat and ate the bag (it was a small bag but still) and i realised i kinda liked the taste so i enjoyed them and haven't had an issue with it since, it took a long time so you need time and also when you feel ready then triumphantly eat the jam and the paninis and remind yourself that its just yummy food and that you can move on and not associate them with the pain and build up to not associating the surgery with the pain so you can go have more done

[@craigieburke]

Omg banana medicine 😷 maybe that's why I can't eat bananas too

[@lydiaeddins2083]

penicillin was flavored and colored like bubble gum where I grew up. I was too young to really understand that you can't just drink the medicine whenever, so my mom had to hide it as best she could from me. It was really yummy, lol. Now, as an adult, I really dislike bubble gum flavored things.

[@kaylawilliams1402]

100% how I felt about my C-section. Love that it gave me my child, hated the experience (especially the being awake during surgery part).

[@lifenothingbutasong]

It sounds like PTSD. It is pretty normal after surgary gone wrong. Therapy might be a good way to deal with it. I hope you feel better soon and never have anything like that happen again

[@MrBilly1229]

How do you look better and better in each video?

[@disneyintrovert517]

obviously i am not an expert, but this sounds like the symptoms of ptsd? if you are really concerned (which i can see you are), you could seek therapy? it might help you understand how you are feeling, and help you to deal with it. sending love and cheery christmas vibes jamie xxx

[@TabathaTaylor]

My cat was sneezing at the same time as yours...I was like how did you know my cats sneezing?😱 then realized you meant yours

[@seaweedtotter]

Of course I am no doctor or psychologist, but it honestly sounds like you might have PTSD. One can get PTSD from any traumatic event, including hospital visits. I am not sure how easy or hard it is to talk to someone in the UK, but if you can, I would really seriously consider talking to a psychologist about it. That may help your anxiousness about hospitals. I've never been actually diagnosed, but I am pretty sure that I have PTSD from a rather.. bumpy airline flight about 10 years ago. I REFUSE to fly now, and the thought of flying or planes makes me anxious, so I guess I should heed my own advice. Sadly it's rather expensive to see a physiologist in the US, they are usually not covered by health plans, so the lat decade I have just been dealing with it by not flying, which of course severely limits my travels. I hope your surgeries go well, and you are able to talk to someone about perhaps helping alleviate the anxiety.

[@wendellchristenson3207]

I've had multiple unrelated-to-being-trans surgeries (I was born with heart and skeletal defects), and let me tell you, I NEVER want to have any surgery ever again!!! I totally relate with that. I am completely non-op because of my past surgical experiences.

[@percyknowles8598]

Hopefully the next surgeries go super smoothly!! (Also notification squad hell yea👌🏻)

[@kawaiicharlie9650]

It does sound like you have ptsd. My friend suffers from ptsd from being in hospital after an accident and she really struggled. She is getting therapy now which is really helping her. If you are still struggaling it maybe worth looking into therapy to see if that helps at all

[@jessi_starr]

Omg! I feel this so hard! I will never have another surgery again. I'm 12 days post-op from top surgery and there were complications. I had a very large hematoma (that they didn't know about until the second surgery) in the right side of my chest and my blood pressure kept bottoming out and I kept passing out. I was taken back into surgery the next morning to find out what was going on. I ended up having to have a substantial amount of blood and fluids put back into my body. I came out of surgery the second time doing better, but I will never have another surgery. And had I known things would go wrong with this one, I wouldn't have had it. It's such a scary feeling to be so out of control of your body and not being able to function. Never again. I'm actually going to go back to my therapist and work on the trauma from surgery.

[@franklittle]

Really sorry for your horrific experience Rónán, and I'm glad you can work through it with a therapist.

[@jessi_starr]

@@franklittle thanks. It has been the worst surgical recovery I've ever had. I'm thankful that my therapist will be able to help me process it.

[@ShadowAspect_]

So sad omg. Cutting apart healthy body parts is just wrong.

[@mrgreenleafx]

I think it's so important that you share your feelings on this topic with us! Sometimes it feels like surgeries get kinda glorified in the 'trans community' but they're actually not that much fun at all lmao I just had top surgery and I freakin love my result but the whole hospital thing and especially the taking care of your own scars afterwards at home is super weird if you've never done anything like that. More people should talk about all aspects of surgery!

[@anyjen]

My sister had surgery once and needed to eat lots of fruit during her painful recovery, so my mum bought her lots of grapes, which my sister loved and which were hard to get where we lived. She hasn't been able to eat another grape since, because she associates them with the pain she was in at the time. So, yeah, you're not alone in that.

[@meinkanta]

Wandering balls

[@boldanabrasevic3020]

Suddenly they're on your face

[@saragarofano9727]

Wtf

[@theodaxpeters4892]

I think it's good you understand that you can be gentle with your body and your mind, even after coming out of something that was clearly traumatic. And you are willing to share that with your viewers in a way that explains to them the postive and negative of surgery. Thank you, Jamie

[@puppylovergirl303]

So sorry to hear that Jamie! Surgery is rough, even though it’s something we fight for

[@conner272]

Peen. (Thank robo jesus for notifications)

[@SamirCCat]

I don't think you should be ashamed of having a negative reaction to a thing that is positive longterm. Our brains are sensitive and we can react strongly to any kind of triggering experience. We all have our limits that if passed pushes us over the edge, and it's a perfectly normal biological response. Don't be ashamed of your reaction. You actually had a serious medical emergency with an arterial bleed, so it's perfectly normal to get traumatized. My cat was missing for 23 hours, we found him outside at 3 am, and that was enough for me to get ptsd-like symptoms for 1 1/2 years! I relapsed into my bipolar disorder and had psychotic symptoms, so I am obviously more vulnerable than others, but no one is immune to mental problems. In the wrong situations we naturally break down. And there is no shame in that! But there is help to get, and I do recommend you to talk to a therapist since you display many characteristc symptoms of ptsd. Treatment will very likely benefit you greatly! It will make the other surgeries so much easier for you. Don't suffer in vain. Get help so you can overcome it and get strong again! Much love!

[@legoduckie]

Thank you a lot for talking about this actually. I freaked out and shut down when I tried to schedule top surgery 4 months ago and I haven’t called back. The whole idea of having surgery just makes me panic and I always felt unreasonably weak for that because so much of trans surgery’s publicity is how wonderful and life changing it is. Like, yeah it might be fantastic to have a flat chest, but I still have to go through the build up and the waiting and the needles and the having someone slice my chest open, scoop out some shit, and sew it back up. That’s fucking terrifying on every theoretical and visceral level I can think of.

[@mannikmom]

I understand where you’re coming from. I had PTSD after going through treatment for breast cancer. I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but as the years go by I’m having less flashbacks and it just seems to get less severe. I hope that’s normal and that it gets better for you, too, sweetie :)

[@notkeylimeeli]

I wish you luck jamie, you are a very cheery guy and you deserve to get everything you want. I like that you share these experiences and the realities of surgeries etc. Love your videos, I would like to see shaaba put makeup on you or something i think that would be a fun video 😄💙

[@clare1971]

Not being dramatic but sounds like ptsd symptoms which can happen following anything traumatic to you so maybe you need to consider a few sessions with a therapist

[@nicholasrodgers4319]

Thank you for sharing this. I had a lot of complications from my top surgery and I’m also traumatized. I’m scared to get any further surgeries and I’m not sure if I can go without them. I don’t pass well currently and without body contouring surgery and facial reconstruction the only thing I can do is go back in the closet for a few years until I’ve been on t long enough to be read as male by strangers. I’m absolutely devastated. I’ve spent my entire recovery post op time just crying and crying. Glad I got the top surgery because I needed my chest gone desperately but my god am I traumatized

[@shortycareface9678]

It's important to bring up information like this, in my opinion. I recently had top surgery, and the entire recovery process caught me quite off-guard. No one I talked to ever mentioned the recovering process being that extensive, and I think that if I had been made aware of it beforehand, I would have dealt better with it while being there myself.

[@Walklikeaduck111]

This doesnt make any sense whatsoever. To alleviate mental discomfort and dysphoria, shouldnt we work on our minds? Now he gets ptsd from the surgery to alter his body anyway. I just hope to goddess that he doesnt really regret this ten or twenty years from now.

[@tedpeterson2658]

Notification squad. Where you at?

[@Austin-do8se]

Sounds like PTSD. It's okay to be scared about it, I would be too. Much love. 💖

[@runswthwolves832]

Thank you for your honesty and frankness, it's something that's needed. Everyone is different, however, I greatly appreciate honesty like this and it helps me with my decisions. Complications like that could very well kill me, so reading er watching honest discussions like that has helped. I am going to have top surgery but am drawing the line at anything else. For me, the risks outweigh the benefits, as for how your feeling. Speaking as someone that has PTSD, that what it seems like. Talk therapy might help or CBT therapy, even just learning ways of taking care of yourself in moments like that.

[@Copperyfoxx]

* calls the cat sweetheart * * wholesome masculinity spotting * ❤️

[@jacdyson]

I had my nose reconstructed after breaking it and oh my god I relate. The surgery itself was so much worse than breaking it initially and the heeling process and such. After having complications such as WAKING UP TOO EARLY WITH THE TUBE STILL IN MY THROAT and other issues I can’t even watch hospital tv shows without getting anxiety attacks now!

[@mistyblueeyes4024]

I can so understand the feeling of, as you said, being between a rock and a hard place. So frustrating and sometimes agonising to feel the need to get something done or change something in your life but being too scared to do it.

[@treycercone1054]

It totally makes sense to be traumatized after all that!! I'm still waiting to get top surgery and I'm pretty scared, but I've had surgeries before (chronic sinus issues) and luckily my experiences haven't been TERRIBLE. I'm so happy that you're doing better now. Just remember that there's no rush for you to get more surgery; wait until you're mentally ready and you feel like you've moved past your bad experience. You're very brave

[@fancydeer]

oh man just hearing about your pain and bad experiences hurt bits that I don't even have. =/ I'm so sorry you went through that. I agree with others about therapy related to surgery though! It might be helpful since you're wanting to have surgeries in the future. You deserve to have the body you want and you deserve to not let your bad experience keep you from getting the results you want for yourself.

[@kellydunigan2525]

Completely understand this one tho I havent had “elective” surgery, I have had 2 c-sections and 3 weeks ago had my gallbladder taken out, when i had my son they damaged a nerve in my back, when i had my daughter i got an infection that should have killed me as i was told by several doctors and nurses, had to be taken in to hospital in much pain on my sons birthday for my gallbladder, i had to stay in for a week before they did it, i am rubbish with needles there were several times i was crying because of having them, i had to walk to theatre i wanted to run in the opposite direction and i dont do running, i was crying and shaking as they took me through to the room where they knock you out, they were all lovely and understanding with me and made me feel as comfortable as possible with it. I did have and still do have a fair bit of pain but it was worth it to know i will never have that pain again. I have no idea how much pain having balls done would be but I completely understand the fear and it is valid it might do you some good to talk to someone in person about it I know it helped me talking to the doctors and nurses, when the time is right for you you will get them just be kind to yourself it was a traumatic experience and you need much longer to heal mentally than physically with these sorts of things xx

[@dani-mitebakes2064]

Maybe just a bit different, but for myself I had a terrible experience during childbirth where we both were tachycardic and I got an infection during my labour and now it is almost 2 years since and I'm still terrified about the thought of having another child. Those kinds of experiences really do make it hard when you have complications. The panic attacks are really hard to deal with so I know for myself I've been practicing "grounding" myself. But honestly even though it is a less invasive surgery for you, it still is surgery and the memories won't go away. Wishing you the best!

[@altheaunertl]

Jamie! Thanks for the video! No one talks enough about how confusing it can be to simultaneously traumatized by and happy about an event (like transition surgeries). I noticed a lot of people throwing out the idea that you may be suffering from PTSD. I wanted to say, that even if you don't think your symptoms are constant or impairing enough to warrant PTSD, you have at least a couple of the symptoms. Please look into EMDR. It may not be right for you, but it's a treatment used for PTSD that occurred from a clearly defined, one-time event, such as a medical procedure or an explosion.

[@rubygarnett2953]

LOOK INTO THE "FACE OF JESUS). YOU NEED SPIRITUAL HELP FOR EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE.

[@weavingwoman]

Talking about issues generally helps. I an sure the hematoma was related to the arterial bleed, although why the surgeon closed the incision if you were bleeding that much is beyond me. The testicular implants should be easy since they are basically just opening the external vulva and popping them in. You will do it when you are ready. HUGS!

[@gene7836]

I'm pre top and bottom but I've had a reduction which went well and this video is what I really needed. Thank you for sharing all of these things with us. Also, I have PTSD from abuse and rape and this definitely sounds like PTSD, whether that's exactly what it is or not, your feelings are very valid and worth exploring ideally professionally as well as in forums like this. I'm not trying to be an ass, I have therapy twice a week. I hope you start to feel better soon. Thank you so much for this video. You are such a gift to the trans community.

[@blakemama]

The flashbacks are symptoms of PTSD. You can have PTSD from a bad surgical experience. It would be good for you to talk with a professional about it. A little therapy for this couldn't hurt. After all, you needed to talk and you chose to talk to us.

[@secretlyalizzard7030]

you could say that Jammi busTED A NUT- forgive me jami

[@allie_veto]

I'm only 21 but I have had three surgeries, so I feel like I'm an old pro. One thing that helped me was the fact that the first surgery (knee) I had was the most serious, and the other two (removing a facial congenital nevus) were much more minor. It felt like I had already got the hard one out of the way, and the next two would be easy, and they were. It looks like you might be in a similar position where the next two surgeries you will need will not be as major. It's also good to figure out what kind of reassurance you respond best to. I respond well to probability and facts. If I know that the probability of a surgery having major complications is very low, that will reassure me. It's why I'm not afraid of flying in an airplane because I know that, statistically, walking down the street is more dangerous. You might respond better to a different type of reassurance, so its good to know what that is. Maybe its having Shaaba be with you at the surgery again, maybe its listening to other people talk about their positive surgery experiences, or maybe its talking with your surgeon about every single major complication that can happen so you can be mentally prepared for it. Hope you feel better and good luck with future operations!

[@little_grey_mouse]

I understand to a degree where you're coming from. I've been hospitalized several times and have had shit happen directly afterwards (had to have emergency gall bladder surgery, fluid in my abdomen, had to be readmitted, etc.) so It's like I've come to just be super anxious about discharge from the hospital and just to assume shit's going to go bad. That aside, I wanted to say thank you so much for the real talk about surgery. I feel like in the trans world there's really not enough real talk about surgery, the aftermath and healing, and the imperfect results. Everyone's just *YAY SURGERY* and yeah, it's fucking awesome - because so many of us struggle to afford it and the societal implications are so heavy as well that we just want to cheer when it comes. But - I feel like there's this whole glossing over of how big of a deal it actually is. I'm about six weeks out from top surgery and still having pain - I've got a bit of dog earring under my pits and there's a bit of excess fat at the midline where my incisions come close together. It's been a tough road uphill but I'm getting there. Thank god I had the forethought to actually talk to some guys about their surgeries so I had some clue as to what to expect. You see all these happy doped up guys hours/days after their surgeries and its like.. that's not real life. Anyways. Thanks for posting this. I am starting T soon so bottom surgery isn't anywhere near my future and honestly - after seeing your videos and the reality of it (not including complications) i don't think it's a path I want to go down - I don't want people mucking around in my pants.

[@sophiehobley828]

I've had a fair few times where things have gone wrong medically - and those times where things are just getting worse and worse and there's nothing you can do and you're in pain and all news seems to be bad news etc etc it's traumatic as hell!! It deffo is something to consider discussing with a Dr to make the next stages of surgery easier. For me, as few things help really. The main thing is talking as much as possible - especially with people who were there. It can help to clarify your memories and it can help give things perspective (some things we minimise and some things we dramatize and it's worth trying to get a clear memory of what really happened). Talking with medical professionals can be really useful - often things sound and feel utterly terrifying when it happens to us and it feels like things are spiralling out of control when actually we aren't in any real danger, for example, having watched your videos I think most of the pain relief they gave you was morphine (mainly orally) and I promise that if your pain had kept getting worse and had reached unbearable levels there are LOADS of stronger things they can give you. So whilst to you it will have felt like you were maxed out on pain relief and still in pain (which is a scary position to be in) there are more things they could have done if they'd needed to. I find that talking through worst case scenarios like that helpful so I see that things were in more control than they felt (So worst case scenario your pain kept increasing insanely then they'd have given you something stronger which would have calmed everything down a lot etc). Idk. Everyone is different but that's the sort of stuff I reassure myself with. I hope you can start to feel better soon :)

[@thecharlievshow]

yeah, you almost definitely have PTSD. I have it myself and everything your saying makes complete sense and having therapy is honestly life changing and can make it so much easier to do normal things on a daily basis.

[@js986]

Difficult to know how you'll react... I had a massive panic attack in the theatre prep room when I was 16 and thought after that it could only get worse, I've actually been fine since. I think just remembering it's a decision you've made for all the right reasons helps, also take biscuits for after, something to look forward to.

[@so0oGnomon]

The FB algorithm showed me this video, I was so happy to have some kind of insights on the differences of feeling between female/male genitals and than, lost the video before I could finish it. I was so sad! I looked for it with keywords and finally found it! Thank younfor sharing! This is very instructive! I am happy you had the support to be you completely!

[@sdfghjasdfghjk8175]

Thank you for sharing this, needs to be talked about. As preop fellow transman, I appreciate you uploading this video. I am sorry you had such a struggle, props on getting through it. I do want to say that I think you should consider talking to a therapist for PTSD. It's not just veterans who get it and you seem to have some of the classic signs. Especially if you don't know when your name will come up, you should see someone to help make sure you don't have a panic attack. Just my two cents, think it might help. Best wishes and Happy Holidays.

[@eleridavies6882]

I've never been this early before...... Wow...... P. S love your channel!

[@Abigail13255]

Medical ptsd is a very real problem and it sucks. It's more than understandable that you're feeling this way after your experience!

[@hhnandu]

Feeling so happy seeing such heartwarming comments.. passing my love & respect to all of you.. The world is not so bad after all.. people like u make this world a better place to live in..

[@TheQueerTailor]

I love how he just stops the whole medical grossness then just goes- you okay sweetie to the cat

[@apk257]

All surgery is trauma and it takes time to recover. When you have complications, it's only natural to feel fearful of going back for more. You may have flashbacks for many years. You will know if and when you're up for dealing with more surgery. Until then, you have to feel whatever feelings you have and let them run their course. Thankfully you have a very supportive woman in your life and lots of friends here on youtube you can lean on when you need to. big hugs!

[@athenadominguezcastillo2752]

This is why we need to study gynaecology more seriously, especially when it comes to transitioning. It's frustrating just how little we know about gynaecology compared urology. It would help women and men have less painful and scary experiences... I hope you know that this does help, people don't talk about this very often. Someday we'll catch up on all the missing medical knowledge. It'll all be great, but fuck, you're doing a really great thing. It can be really hard and scary going through these things and you're sharing it will help people realize just how important this is.

[@adelatejeda6114]

Okay folks I feel like I need to put something out here. Let me start off by saying that I am not against body modification at all I also don't understand what it means to look at my body and be freaked out by what I see. With that being said I hope everybody who considers having bottom surgery understands that what you are doing is getting rid of your genitalia so you are going from having genitalia to having no genitalia. You will get a replica, yes it is a very good replica but it is a replica and your replicated vagina or penis....listen up folks, IS NOT GENITALIA and does not function as normal vagina and penises do. Again I am not against doing it especially if that is what you need to be happy, like I said I personally don't have that problem but I just want to put that out there so people who do have that problem understand that and can consider it when they are making this decision.

[@luckysnackcreations4572]

You are such a gorgeous man my guy- try to get some counseling. Can I ask you a slightly serious question? I want some advice about something. I’m not gonna ask unless you say I can, bc I’m kinda uncomfortable but there’s not really anybody physically in my life that I can ask atm. Thanks man 💙

[@bookhousegirl]

I'm just repeating what the majority of the other lovely commenters have said, but it definitely sounds like PTSD, bless your heart. Not at all surprising that what you went through has left you feeling like this, but it can and will get better, especially if you talk to a professional about it.

[@jamesjohnson1050]

I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree and PhD in educational psychology and I've been teaching psychology at the university level for 10 years and I can definitely say that you have PTSD but you don't need a psychologist to tell you that.

[@SAS-wm2gm]

This is clearly something that time alone will not solve. That's ok. You just need some advice. Is there a DISTRESS HOTLINE in your area?? They exist for people with a WIDE VARIETY of problems who need a compassionate ear and who can refer you (if needed) to someone who specializes in solving the type of difficulty you're in. For instance your type of difficulty requires medical attention. Meaning someone who knows about severe anxiety brought on by past medical procedures and/or fear of future medical procedures. Please pick up the phone and make the call. Just talking to the right person, a few times MIGHT solve your issues. God Bless. I hope all goes well for you in 2019. Merry Christmas. 🎄🎁🎄🎅

[@kathleenspeegle3517]

Dear sweet young man, it is perfectly understandable that you are afraid. This is not anything you need to do immediately. Please give it more time. Even if they call you, explain your situation and ask to have more time. Hopefully this fear will subside over time and you can have your surgery when you are mentally prepared.

[@musikjunkie93]

It does suck that stuff went wrong, but it's good that you made this video cuz trans guys will be like "I'm gonna get my lower surgery and it'll be perfect" and stuff along those lines, but this video shows that shit can go wrong

[@Msviolet65]

Awe sweetie, you take your time. When you are more mentally ready then you will know its the right time. In the mean time, you keep being you! sending you much love!

[@RoorAlbin]

Damn Ive never been so fast at clicking. Watching it now!

[@paulinehawkins2207]

I’m sorry you are having anxiety about this. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s a drastic surgery. Take care ❤

[@TheaterGeek2007]

Yeah, I agree with the majority. You sent have to be a war veteran to have PTSD, talking about it helps a bit, but you probably should talk to the right person about it. The right person being a counselor or someone. I've had to talk to a counselor about past trauma, she told me I had PTSD and I didn't believe her at first, but it does happen. And it's not just EXTREME PTSD!!! It can be even little things that set it off. You won't go into full panic mode, your brain might just turn on your fear response for things like smelling the same kind of sandwich, or hearing a beeping that sounds like a hospital monitor.

[@HeartOfAmethyst]

I agree watching Hannah Witton's video is good. I had major surgery as a teenager and it left me very terrified of ever having to go under the knife again. It's important to remember that surgery is trauma to the body and that can affect your brain. Seeing someone can help you sort out those feelings and process them.

[@kaylakarrion9885]

So sorry this happened!! Yes, people need to realize just how major Trans surgeries are. And PTSD can be a result because of the trauma and fear involved with this level of surgery. I don’t know just how much surgery I could go through with my transition. I am getting liposuction to dramatically reduce my chest but at age 49 and already with PTSD, I don’t know if more invasive surgery would be the thing for me. I find there is this online pressure to do all this in a big rush but I don’t think it’s a light decision due to the possible complications. I would suggest getting counseling for PTSD.

[@later_taters]

Sounds like you may have PTSD and that you had a very traumatic experience, maybe talk to a councellor or therapist about it?

[@Chickenwing5031]

Jammi, I’m liking the hair at the moment

[@lavender.lemonade]

My favorite jam is blackcurrant and I'll need to forget this video in order to ever have toast again.

[@milikoshki]

I feel you. I was hit by a car in sept and had emergency surgery to repair an extremely broken leg from which I'm still recovering. I will have to go back in a year for another long operation to remove all the hardware in my bones and this occurs to me at random moments (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep) and makes me feel panicky. I strongly recommend speaking with your dr about the mental/emotional effect of your medical procedures and maybe getting a referral to a mental health clinic. Learning more about trauma related to emergency, life and death experiences and the resulting medical stuff has been SO helpful for me to notice and manage my stress and fear of future intervention or injury. Best of luck!!

[@Richard-Bullock]

Does it make me a bad person that I chuckled when you said all your lower surgery vlogs are down below? Sorry.

[@hollytaylor932]

hey jamie! hospital trauma is tough and real and it's okay not to be okay. I hope you can get some good counselling to help you recover

[@damianaugust8491]

Two weeks after my hysterectomy I had to go back into hospital with appendicitis and severe peritonitis. The doctors couldn't even tell if it was connected to the previous surgery but it scared the hell out of me when it happened. I remember being deeply relieved that there was no other planned surgery ahead of me. So I totally get you. Having flashbacks etc. sounds like something you definitly should deal with in some way. Discussing it with a therapist or friends (or with your youtube audience) might help. It's good, I think, that you are facing up to it and not trying to suppress it.

[@gisellegee5984]

Thank you for always being so honest in your videos. Your content is so informative and I think you must help so many people just from sharing your experiences like this. I hope you are feeling a lot better. You have been through so much!

[@NukeIzka102]

You don't sound weird, you sound like you got PTSD and honestly after going through shit like this it's completelly understandable and not weird at all

[@kavitadeva]

You've been traumatized. Of course you don't want to go back and have surgery. You've been traumatized. And it's no laughing matter. I wouldn't want surgery again if I was in your position no way. Please take care of yourself and trust yourself regarding any for future surgeries

[@TheMeggize]

Hugs 🫂, Love ❤️ & Positive Vibes Sent ✨️ to you Jammie 🌻🙏

[@lisaelizabeth9169]

I think this is a super important thing to discuss because surgery is hard and scary and even if you need it to survive it can be difficult. 💜

[@Hannah-hx5sp]

wandering balls...whaaaaaattttt

[@nespressoman]

You have the most amazing brown eyes.

[@Carla-ec7ze]

Do you watch Hannah Witton? Because she has also talked about PTSD after surgery. So this is totally something which can happen. (If I remember correctly she managed to avoid it but was very concious of it so she talked to a therapist to basically prevent it I think - I‘m sorry if I‘m telling utter bullshit right now !!!)

[@JasperisCasper]

I had severe complications after cancer surgery last year, including a bone infection 6months later. Ended up having to have lung surgery again afterward and obviously cancer related surgeries can't be put of.. but The lung surgery went beautifully.. So it's all likelihood that your next procedures will be fine. It's still totally normally to be nervous and scared about it, though. Hell I've had 6 or 7 operations at this point, and only one with complications. I still get nervous every single time. Also definitely agree with those saying to look into post surgical PTSD. I do not have it, but my best friend does. And if it is PTSD it can manifest itself for years and years, so it's best to start treatment for it asap so future you has less to deal with.

[@selinalaubert]

As a person with PTSD I can say what is happening to you sounds very familiar. I would recommend to go see a therapist since it can be very hard to deal even with every day things if sertain smells or situations bring you back, not to mention having to go through something very similar in the future. Jamie please go see a psychologist! We all want you to feel safe with your future ❤️

[@samuelm2989]

I can't diagnose you with anything but you do have PTSD symptoms. Surgeries like that is a traumatic thing and being in a situation is very difficult. I have PTSD myself, not saying you have it but you do have symptoms I think the only way you'll be able to get over this is therapy and there's absolutely no shame in that. There's great methods out there that can do wonders

[@SemmelOff]

I definitely know how you feel. I had meta in March and unfortunately I also had complications. I really wanted balls and I still do but I don't want to go into the hospital again. I did it anyways. I'm in the hospital right now. It's definitely not great and I really hate the fact that you go into surgery as a healthy person and come out all sore and not feeling yourself. I seriously hate it. I also had a fistula and that's probably the main reason I did the surgery because I wanted a functioning urethra. It feels like I'm rambling sorry. I hope that your phone call comes at a time you feel like you can deal with it. You are not alone with your hospital feels. Sending you good vibes