People Who Are Very Easily Defensive

In any ongoing relationship, discussions will be necessary as differences or problems arise. Healthy people learn the skills associated with give-and-take communication. Some people, however, are so quickly defensive that they sabotage the effort to coordinate. Dr. Les Carter discusses this trend, adding helpful ideas about the better alternatives.
Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 41 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has presented many workshops and seminars.
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
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[@mysticat7652]

They respond immediately with defense, because they assume/infer that anything/everything you say is meant as an attack against them. They fear being in the wrong & being called out. They're always prepared to fight that, even if it's not happening.

[@ahdell5536]

@Mysticat. Agree with you. Adding to your line of thought I can say that defensiveness echoes fear and insecurity. As Dr. Carter stated, those individuals carry several psychological ailments and have been invalidated in previous relationships. That can be interpreted as a painful history of a restricted, unhealthy emotional development. For some, such defensiveness is an indicator of a paranoid personality disorder.

[@DianneElizabeth64]

Yes..this

[@wandameadows5736]

@mysticat7652 - The next layer to what you stated is they actually create a picture of you in there head thats the complete opposite of who you are. Once they do this they lose respect for you & theres no limits to the disrespect towards you they will justify. Defensiveness on the level you mentioned where they ASSUME instead of LISTENING is so destructive to a non-defensive well meaning person.

[@flowerbloom5782]

I think it also has to do with fear and anger.

[@lisadiconti]

It's so annoying dealing with a defensive person. You can't be yourself.

[@francesbernard2445]

True. And the minute that you are yourself at a place where he is not the center of attention instead of someone else there then later look out for not having done your job for him well enough.

[@notagain779]

Lisa DiConti, You can't be yourself if you're a straight shooter. They'll be very threatened by that, since their whole way of operating is subterranean.

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello Lisa how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@Celtic-Wild-Sparrow]

@@user-io7pn4vl1g Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!

[@OneWhoKnowz]

Nope my partner does not accept me she is used to long term partners that doesn’t shake up the apple cart but me if u do this to me it’s not okay

[@DominiqueFrancon]

To my narcissist defensive husband “talk” is a four-letter word. Any effort at talk deeper than superficial is met with defensiveness.

[@Revelation18-4]

Same here! Left the narc so he can get defensive with himself all by himself.

[@Electric-Bird-Set-Free]

Wow! So true…Same here

[@5winder]

May God find you a real husband.

[@susansullivan7513]

Yep Heaven for bid you have a tone of your voice that would upset them cause them to just get all riled up Yes he goes around closing all the windows so he can scream F you to me about 50 times in my face I'm so sick of it

[@sharonrenedavenport8995]

Get Rid Of Him ! Go “ NO CONTACT “ ; And, “ DON’T 👀 BACK “ !!

[@texaspatty458]

Dr.Carter , being Civil with a Narc is quite a challenge ...I prefer NO CONTACT 👍👍👍😂

[@DrLesCarter]

I get what you're saying. And I don't disagree. Dr. C

[@keariewashburn4680]

It is totally not possible

[@davidhinkson8856]

There's no point in trying to be civil with them because they are just plain nasty.

[@texaspatty458]

@@davidhinkson8856 ....they certainly are !!!

[@sadiestoltzfus9798]

@@DrLesCarter What happens when two narcissistic people are in a relationship together.

[@le4983]

Once you've been shut down so many times over nothing you just get defensive at most everything. Its exhausting being overrulled and corrected all of the darn time. When you have not figured out yet that the other person is a narcissist, we just keep on trying to be heard!!!

[@123raven4]

Very accurate!!!

[@hissyfitz7890]

That’s a moment of realization that it’s time to stop 🛑 trying to be heard by people who don’t care what you have to say. It’s THEIR loss. The moments will grow lesser in time & eventually you may choose to wait until someone asks you a direct question. It’s a peaceful way to go through life.

[@marcialockhart890]

You just described my life with every single word used! I'm trying to keep silent but am not winning the battle! Some has been extremely abusive (verbal) but it's constant and I never know what will set him off. Others think he is very charming yet don't know his comments about them. I wish the signs had made an impact on the 20 year old idiot I was back then. Never should have married him! Just thinking about it set off anxiety.

[@butterflylove2642]

@Mary Carroll Exactly!! Boy how I know this to be true!

[@butterflylove2642]

@Mary Carroll It’s a wearing down isn’t it? .…and yes, we don’t have healthy conversations anymore. That’s long gone,sadly …only brief conversations out of necessity. 🕊

[@treystewart2708]

It's taken me years to not want to be defensive!

[@mattsmitchger259]

Yup. I just say to myself "Wait. Did I really think that this was supposed to be the magical day that she WOULDN'T be defensive 🤔?"

[@davidp2888]

I see myself getting into defensive mode as a result of my parents overstepping my boundaries. I’m working on a way to manage that more effectively. It’s so difficult.

[@Kiwiwanderer]

Yes. My adult daughter is an only child. I regretfully and wrongly - micro managed her as a child, And now even when it’s good feedback or advice - she has zero tolerance for my guidance. But I have told her. If I’m damaging for her confidence , which I hate to think I am….horrible for a parent to make my child feel bad ( my parents did it to me) but unlike my parents I want her to be happy and if that means spending less time with me she can stay away from me but will still inherit everything when I die.

[@carolnahigian9518]

keep trying, you ARE GROWING!

[@elizabethdelavega8304]

@@Kiwiwanderer parents that remove their child’s autonomy feel lost in the world. This is a toxic behavior that shows the lack of respect you showed her when little. Stop giving unsolicited advice. Period. Hopefully it isn’t too late.

[@hissyfitz7890]

They want it to be difficult; remember that! 💥💥💥MANIPULATION💥💥💥

[@elizabethbednarcik3311]

So what are the steps a person can use to heal from this behavior that stems from parents overstepping boundaries?

[@crystal3087]

After 40 years of this...I am tired and tired of the shenanigans. It's so stressful!

[@lifewithapurpose237]

Jk: are you the 'she' to his 'nanigans'

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

Never ending criticism has put me in a permanent defensive mode. When I notice that I am too defensive, I remind myself that life is not a competition, as almost every narcissist tries to teach you.

[@OJMCFLY]

My aunt has that life is a competition mindset still, and she is in her 70’s. Growing up around that, I used to think like that. Now I just keep it groovy indeed. We are going to be just fine @mehmet.

[@DrLesCarter]

It's so hard not to get sucked in. At some point, you have to remind yourself that the last 1,000 times you tried to defend yourself to the narcissist, it didn't bring satisfaction, and your next effort to defend is not likely to break the trend. Dr. C

[@OJMCFLY]

@@DrLesCarter righteousness, I appreciate you and your help. I Wish y’all Much Peace”

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

@@DrLesCarter That's so right and I appreciate you pointing that out. You're certainly a part of my path to heal and I've learned a lot from your very helpful videos which can be easily integrated in everdays life. Thank you Dr. C 👍😃

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

@@OJMCFLY Thank you for your anectode and encouragment. It's always nice to hear from others on their path out of the narcissists distorted reality.

[@butterflylove2642]

Dr. Carter’s words are gold. So very important; I’ve lived it. Drink in all his advice; it’s life changing. 🕊

[@dawnbailey1132]

I agree!

[@butterflylove2642]

@@dawnbailey1132 Hi sweet friend; I hope you & yours are very well. 🕊🙏👋

[@dawnbailey1132]

@@butterflylove2642 I've missed "chatting" with you. I wish things here were better. My daughter has been very ill so I've been holding down the fort and looking after my 3 granddaughters. She still doesn't have a diagnosis and they're waiting for the Lyme disease results. She's a widow and I live with them. Everything is complicated it seems. Sorry for venting. I'm tired and have a headache after spending almost 3 Hours entering a delivery grocery order...and I'm not even done! I've thought of you many times and wondered if you and your precious one are okay. Don't you just love the Dr. Les Carter channel? Gotta go handle stuff. Let me know how it's going, okay?

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks so much...keep learning! Dr. C

[@butterflylove2642]

@@dawnbailey1132 Very nice to hear from you, Dawn! Yes, for sure, the good Lord plus @Dr. Les Carter (and his books) have saved me through a very, very, difficult chapter of my life. I still praise God for Dr. Carter & for the Lord directing me to his KZbin channel, here, to educate me & to make sense of all the steadily increasing turmoil & chaos of my marriage that sadly began quite soon after we were married decades ago. Because of Dr. Carter’s exceptional teaching, I have changed the way I think & react. I can breathe better now. Healthy boundaries & grey rocking sadly had to be put in motion, though, in order to cope with, and deflect the abuse, but have indeed been life changing in a positive way thanks to Dr. Carter’s illuminating my mind. I am so very sorry to learn of your daughter’s illness. I have just lifted her up to the Lord for healing, and I will continue prayers for her. Are you all still in the lovely “sunshine state?” Dawn, if this helps, may I also share w/ you that 5 years ago I was battling 3 serious physical illnesses (besides coping w/ my husband’s severe malignant NPD). It’s a wonder I survived…well, by God, alone, for sure. I told myself that my medical diagnosis’s were “unacceptable.” I dove straight in to additional serious research; research, this time, on the health of the human body, & how the Standard American Diet is prematurely killing countless individuals every day. I gave up every bit of meat, all dairy, eggs & seafood…plus, I do not add salt, oil, or ‘processed’ sugar to my home cooking like I used to. Yes, quite severe changes to embrace. However, by the grace of God, I reversed ALL 3 diseases & lost 60 pounds in the process; I praise Him! It’s a blessing to eat all kinds of raw fruits & veggies plus ‘cooked’ plant foods, too i.e. beans, rice, other whole grains, hearty oats & all types of potatoes. Must include that all of our children switched to eating this way, but my husband became seriously enraged that we should choose such an “anti-Biblical” way of eating! That’s a whole other long story of course, but we held firm to our newly adopted food choices back then. I have continued to cook “old school style” meals every day for my husband-because that is ‘his choice.’ I realize that eating this “total plants” way will not cure every single serious disease in the world, and I believe that God holds the number of each of our days. But by His power, and by His plan, the drastic, yet simple, food changes, cured my 3 life-threatening diseases. I am so grateful to my Creator for healing me, because now I am, prayerfully, allowed to live longer to take care of our precious son. Perhaps once your daughter gets her diagnosis she might consider researching a Whole-Foods “plant way” of eating. Been reading that many 80 year old vegans are reversing various diseases, moving about like 40 year olds & many even involved with serious weightlifting. I haven’t gotten into that, yet…but I’m tempted. 😁 I learned that eating meat & dairy make the human body ‘acidic’ & cancer cells love & thrive in an acidic environment. Plants make the body ‘alkaline’ & cancer cells have a tough time surviving in an alkaline state. Like Hippocrates said, “Let food be thy medicine & medicine be thy food.” For my mental health, I follow Dr. Carter. For my physical health, I follow plant based MDs and have been astounded with my improved health plus (almost effortless) weight loss. With my special needs son to care for, I do not have the luxury of going to a gym. Being originally from the Deep South eating all kinds of meat -all day long, prepared all kinds of ways (but primarily FRIED) it honestly took only 5 days for my taste buds to “reset.” So thankful to God that this particular way of eating, which apparently contains so much naturally occurring nitric oxide, has physically strengthened my heart & mind to deal w/ my husband’s unfortunate mental condition. Dawn, I am praying for your daughter’s excellent health to return, for your own good strength & health, & for you all to have a very blessed summer. My sincere apologies for going on & on. I won’t bring up this topic again. Just thought that if there’s something I could share that might possibly help someone else, I wanted to share…sort of in the same, caring, way that Dr. Carter shares & teaches us about Narcissism.🕊✝️👋🌱❤️

[@elainebmack]

This defensiveness is a reflection of their unhappiness with themselves and their lives. I know someone who is only happy when they find conflict somewhere and want to talk about it endlessly.

[@_Maryjane5014_]

Something I'm working on as a human

[@Swansue]

I found that years of this I’ve turned into them as it’s been a grind. I will take note to get back to the old me.

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello swan how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@Celtic-Wild-Sparrow]

@@user-io7pn4vl1g Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!

[@anonymousanomaly9538]

I grew up with family members that are so reactive and feeble most of the time that they're like shrieking banshees with their knee-jerk, hair-trigger responses. It fostered high levels of anxiety, avoidance and PTSD-like symptoms in me that changed who I was in a very negative way. Over time, that toxic environment became the dojo that I needed to train in to work toward becoming a master. For years, the word "balance" was on my mind. I would challenge myself to keep my energy level very, very centered. This practice retrained my brain and I became less reactive in response and was able to maintain my composure without being drawn into the hysterics. I did not numb myself out and still remained highly alert, feeling and sensing, which I believe is an incredibly healthy way to be. I manage my energy and avoid negative environments that will not be fruitful and will drain me unnecessarily. It's not been an easy path, but it has made me all the stronger. I do believe that no-contact is necessary to ultimately heal, purge and move forward. Have a wonderful weekend, everybody.

[@lorinapetranova2607]

Really great comment to give pause for serious thought. Like the Other Side of Bruce Lee training, eh?

[@Gigilamer]

This is so interesting. Thank you for sharing your way of managing your mind. I believe systems like the one you have found for yourself are the key to interacting with people in the best possible way. All the best to you.

[@notagain779]

Anonymous Anomaly, That sounds balanced to me. Reminds me of the book "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior". I read that years ago, and thought it was very obtuse at the time - didn't really "get it" until now, with recent awareness of difficult personality types. Best of luck as you stay centered! 🙂💡💪

[@notagain779]

@@Gigilamer , "Managing your mind" is a good way of putting it, or as a friend of mine calls it, "fixing your inner game."

[@bagobeans]

We all fall short. We aren't perfect. I think the pandemic has revealed the extent of human cruelty and defensiveness. Family members have been torn apart. Death isn't the only way family members can be devastated. A narcissist just compounds the problem. Sometimes keeping quiet and learning to pick your battles, is the only way to survive and to keep your own sanity.

[@dhall2553]

I most certainly agree that we must choose our battles carefully, but sometimes the battles are chosen for us. I personally, am not a verbal warrior, but after years of submitting to the verbal whippings from others, I have come to stand my ground and say what I believe to be MY truth. If that is something they can't or won't accept, I've learned to just walk away, sometimes with them right on my heels, still trying to convince me or beat me down, but I keep walking, sometimes, never to return. I'm not going to say that my actions are the best ones, but they are what is best for ME. I just can't allow these people to silence me, but I also can't allow them to fluster me either.

[@notagain779]

@@dhall2553 , I agree with you. Seems you've arrived at a balanced perspective. I'm working on the same. No one should feel that they must submit to verbal whippings, but if a verbal warrior is used to a person accepting it, as soon as you stop allowing it, they will see you as being very stubborn and difficult, won't they? Right, don't be silenced or flustered. You may have to become emotionally detached from such types of people.

[@LS-vp3du]

So true. Sometimes I accidentally step on qanon believing family members toes. It is exhausting.

[@hissyfitz7890]

@@dhall2553 - “You don’t get to talk to me like that.” Then walk away… I saw a woman say this to my father. 🤭🤭🤭

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello Marie how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

It's easy to become defensive when we are worried about what others think of us. When we don't care if others like us but are dedicated to obeying God only we are free to be ourselves without worry about losing someone's love. We love people but we don't need to be loved by others because Christ loves us, we can be authentic without fear.

[@prettysmile6869]

The Four Horsemen in a conflict discussions. You need to identify and eliminate them. Replace it by using healthy and productive arguments and clear communication patterns. Conquest, war, hunger, and death. This metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of any relationship.

[@francesbernard2445]

Conquest always starts by stealth first. At first by making you believe that it is only just joking around which slowly over time day by day will have more and more bizarre low hanging fruit falling from that sort of tree in the background there as a result until you can sense that another one of their grandiose conquest moves is about to happen next again.

[@texaspatty458]

They LOVE when they shock you .... they think it's funny . The more horrific ...the better !! 😳😳😳

[@chinookvalley]

They are twisted. Sickos. I do animal rescue, and I see this a lot.

[@texaspatty458]

@@chinookvalley ....How absolutely horrible for you 💔

[@fruitascension5089]

Tips on how to successfully communicate with one who instantly jumps on the defense are greatly appreciated. A deeper understanding of why this happens in their minds really helps. Thank you Dr Les.

[@mptajo]

Some people do not understand the value of open communication. It is very frustrating especially when you have an open mind and heart. I am a self control freak meaning I cannot allow anyone else to control me. It doesn't go over very well. I love the human mind and love it when people put their guard down and show their humanness.

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello janette how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@monikaglanzmann3960]

I had a nasty conversation a few days ago and since then tried to make sense out of it. I wasn't able to figure out what happened. Thank you for this video. I can better understand now what was going on. What a relief. I made my mistakes but am not as guilty and awful as accused. Again: thank you 👍🏻🙏🏻🤗

[@barbkenas5663]

Great advice, Gus is really cute!

[@eduardoperez4640]

They are more impenetrable ❤️ then Fort Knox 💰

[@stellabella5269]

So true! 😂🤣

[@icare4147]

I didn't know that I have this disorder, the worst was when I got paired with a person who also had this disorder.

[@anesasosevic2813]

The excessive impulses and emotions make us making mistakes in forming a judgment about people and different situations. Common sense helps us to recognize our wrong actions. Healthy thinking is "anti-poison" to strong emotions, because such emotions can lead us to "wrong road". It is sometimes really difficult to separate us from our excessive emotions which do harm us. Dr. Carter, thanks for this video ! It was worthy of hearing.

[@bristolcorvid8894]

Always a pleasure to listen to you, Dr. C. Thank you for another thoughtful video. Gus is lollygagging in the background... His "defensive posture" looks wonderfully relaxed... :)

[@ahdell5536]

"Disagree, agreeably". I love it! Thank you, Dr Carter.

[@Kiwiwanderer]

My mother likes to mix it up - defensive, offensive or straight out …attack.

[@Revelation18-4]

Gus looks happy and relaxed. 👍

[@jenilynneful]

My husband will find offense in minutiae of my choice of word or he’ll accuse me of a tone that sounds some way, etc. it’s absolutely exhausting!

[@dblackburnjr1]

My wife stays agitated. Always defensive with me.

[@dawnemile4974]

When a person like this is in management, it can cause a lot of problems. If there is an issue and just a statement is made, they can connect it to other complaints and feel that it is a complaint.

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello dawn how are you?

[@bonnieb5554]

The most perplexing part of dealing with narcissist to me is how well they can "appear" to be reasonable caring human beings. How can they do that and yet it is all just an act? One peculiar thing I noticed about my narc AND his narc family is that they would belittle me and show me contempt for who I am and then they would start to copy me, as if they "took" my good qualities and gave me their bad ones. This defensive explanation, as do all of your videos, make the behavior of others so much clearer to me and just as important, how my behavior plays into it.

[@alimo1611]

I sometimes can't do anything but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and that puts me even more in the wrong but it just happens

[@cyberborg4767]

this happens with my mom...she bring me to the edge

[@cristinamariawilmer]

I love team healthy! Your work is greatly appreciated Dr. Carter 🙂

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Christina...Stick with us on Team Healthy! Dr. C

[@dblackburnjr1]

I am always the scapegoat for my wife and daughter.

[@louisafoster1640]

Aw Gus!

[@elanahammer1076]

@ Dr. C and community… Before I forget, thank you for having Gus in this video. He has a calming presence for me. Yesterday I was in a situation that required me to show a friend my level of boundaries. It was the persons last day at work and I do not know this friend very well. This person wanted to say goodbye on his last day. That’s ok. What was uncomfortable for me is a full frontal hug. If it was said, can I hug you I could have been prepared. Instead of getting defensive with my boundaries, I said after his hug. “Here is how I hug my friends.” I hug my friends with a side hug yet only after asking if it is ok to hug back. I like to think that I am respectful of other peoples boundaries and my own. Additionally I am married and I have to live in this town. Not that I need to justify my actions but boundaries are important for a variety of reasons. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸🌎✊😳

[@texaspatty458]

Good morning Dr.Carter 🌞

[@DrLesCarter]

Good evening, Patty! Dr. C

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

Whenever I try to talk to my stbx about anything of consequence, he always says, "I didn't do anything wrong" and immediately starts attacking my character and making false accusations. He hears criticism in everything- even when there is none. We cannot have adult conversations.

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@Celtic-Wild-Sparrow]

@@user-io7pn4vl1g Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!

[@chrisecker9341]

Psychotherapie costs will be covered by the public health care system in Austria by 2022. I think this is an important step.

[@DrLesCarter]

Yes...it is so needed by many! Dr. C

[@nancymurphy6483]

Oh, my! My ex started opening up all my mail. He threw away the things he didn’t think I needed to see, filed my financial information without me being able review it, nothing was exempt from his prying eyes. One day I returned home, and he had opened up a personal letter from a friend, told me my dentist said I needed some surgery, and he had thrown away some things I wanted to look at. I was always very aware that I had to approach any issue carefully. I said, “You know, M, I’d really prefer to open my own mail.” He said no, and I asked why not. He said because he was responsible for me. How? “We’ll, if you don’t pay your bills I could get sued.” I said that was an insult because I paid my bills, and it wasn’t true because we didn’t have any joint cc’s. He continued to say no, and exasperated,I said “Look M, I’m just trying to reason with you.” He said “I wouldn’t know reason if he shoved it up my rear end with a stick.” For several days, I drove home to pick it up, but he finally stopped. Now if I opened his mail there would have been hell to pay, but you can’t go tit for tat with a narcissist. There’s never a lightbulb moment. It’s always “different” if it concerns them.

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello Nancy how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@Celtic-Wild-Sparrow]

@@user-io7pn4vl1g Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these *exact* same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, ***STOP** harassing women!!!

[@cupcakedreams9427]

I was about to say you should run then I saw you started with my ex

[@salettamyers8845]

Thank you Dr.Carter! The videos & webinars have truly been a blessing- team healthy🤗

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Saletta! Dr. C

[@exx6312]

My ex accused me of being defensive. I took it very seriously. It basically rendered me mute. I couldnt say anything without being accused of this. And i took it to heart. Then it was coupled with being negative judgmental competitive and a black and white thinker. I had all sorts of character flaws yet he would say every time he would say something i took it as a character flaw and would get so defensive

[@melkadis]

33 years from my husband his mother and three sisters I have PTSD from dealing with this

[@jeepguy4x440]

It’s a toxic behavior. It’s bad for the calm party’s health. If the aggressive person doesn’t want to fix that problem, it’s time to get rid of the toxic problem.

[@kristabell5107]

Look at Gus - he just scratches his ear and moves on. Perfect reaction when someone becomes defensive. I tend to just back off.

[@DrLesCarter]

Gus and I rehearsed that move before shooting the video. Dr. C

[@faithbyrge484]

I have a lot of issues with self-defensiveness but when I feel that emotional trigger pop up because that's what they do with me they pop up so what I do is take my nice deep breath and just pause chill ground myself in the energy of positivity as best I can if they're still yelling at you just keep looking inward and find that ground in your energy and wait when they stop say look I can't and won't let you into this part of myself I am grounded in my own positive energy and you can't get into it because Free Will is part of how we as individuals work through everything we have the freedom to act upon emotion or react to someone else's emotion thank you Dr c I greatly appreciate you and Gus if he kicks you take a hunk no we don't kick our babies do we heck no we love our babies give him a treat for me Dr c cuz he was a good boy this morning and to whoever reads this comment may you be grounded in your energy of positivity and love light energy say well everyone be safe

[@kohedunn]

I am unfortunately , living with someone just like this ! MY daughter... It doesn't matter what I do , its not really good enough or right .. I'm 76 and have put myself out many times to be helpful financially and otherwise..I cannot say what might start a accusatory situation , It is really anything.. The last time was about a week ago , and it descended into a verbal abuse like I haven't seen before.. I don't even know what really started this.. All is calm right now , but in the days following this outburst , I felt really shattered.. Walking on eggshells.. and sad beyond belief.... I 'm sure it will happen again... We are living together and I have no real hope of changing my situation.. I pay my way in rent , hydro and food.. I hate thinking about this..and I hate the thought of talking about it to anyone... I mean , How can anyone change this ?

[@louisafoster1640]

I feel for you Anne. x

[@truerubal8877]

I was in a similar situation and had to move out. Living with one of sisters now. It took a long time to heal from this tough and sad situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[@coolcutsgal2]

Start quietly looking into subsidized rent/housing. At 76 your probeley on retirement, see if there isn't anything the government can help you to move away from your daughter. I happen to have experienced this with mine, i see the destruction she tries to suck me into. Doesn't work anymore

[@janetrent3399]

Will pray for you Anne! I also live in a similar situation!

[@---nj7hl]

Healthy boundaries and if you're on the phone w them and start being disrespectful and abusive....just hang up the phone and block them. Like most posters here...yes time to move.

[@nextlevelnick9339]

Hello. I wanted to share a perspective. I definitely do not want to condone any type of unhealthy behavior, but I do think what can be missed a lot of time is empathy in understanding something about those who operate in this fashion. These actions that the defensive or controlling person is taking were born out of their own traumas, challenges, hurtful life situations, and coping skills they needed to develop in order to survive in the environment of their upbringing. It is their responsibility to own their actions and who they are and make the necessary changes in their life, but is not necessarily "their fault" that they developed these protective behaviors to guard their insecurities that they may not even be aware of yet. Just something to be perceived that I feel is not typically, readily seen or accepted. Having this understanding can really help you have empathy for their inadequacy, and to see that it's not personal, while setting the boundaries that you need to with them. 💚 Much love to you all as we seek to be better, more kind and loving people each day.

[@urdude67]

thank you for trying to increase understanding and empathy.

[@cymbolichuman433]

Once in a while the misrepresentation and actual lies that they tell to look good. One, he said it was his idea to take me to the hospital. Actually I had to say either take me or I'm taking the bus. Another is it was his idea to take the dog to the vet. I made a big deal out of spending my share on the vet bill.

[@francesbernard2445]

I remember that one too. While being forced to remain bedridden instead of getting up again to look after my own infant daughter after he piled us all in the car to go visit his sister Terry. Instead He wanted to make sure that his side was doing all of the child care there so it was going to make me look like the crazy one after failing to bring me into town 5 days after giving birth and then getting a beating from him when I really did need to go there at the time the most. Instead it was someone else who drove me back into town while he was at work at first. Abd so instead after he made sure I was sent away with only sleeping pills thanks to all of his lies offered there after work next afer a trip to his sister's it was going to be His own 'heroic drive' to the hospital where he was assuming that he could for sure continue to look a lot like the hero of that song, "Son of a Preacher Man" - in public once again.

[@sarafox5792]

literally wake up n listen to Dr C each morning.. 😊

[@yvonnethomas6401]

Oh, Dr. Les Carter ...you are amazing!...you have helped me enormously..over these last four yeas .at the time..45yrs of Domestic violence of my body and mind..Domestic.cruelty..Domestic neglect ....broken so many times...I have woken up..so to speak..still...so much healing ahead..but, I am getting there..slowly but surely..because of you!...huge appreciation of you!... ☺️🙌🏼

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Yvonne. I spent 6 years doing volunteer work at a local women's shelter, so I've heard many stories there. My heart goes out to you. Dr. C

[@victoriavanwolfen4160]

Commented before finishing video* Yes, someone I love with all of my soul. It's shocking how quickly things can go from a normal conversation, to a full on assualt and attack on your character. It's absolutely awful and disorienting to be on the receiving end of that vitriol. I don't feel like I have any option but to distance/disengage with love. So much easier said than done. There are some complicating factors added here, as far as my situation. I don't want things to be like this. Edited* I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do for us. You are so appreciated. You have helped me with knowledge, understanding, empathy, honesty, consistency, and I feel I can confidently say, your huge heart of compassion. You have also given some comfort and rest to my soul. Your countenance is very comforting....like the best dad ever. Thank you Dr. C!💚💚

[@MrJennyad]

Honestly I am a highly defensive person because I dont trust people, I feel I have this problem because of my family and shitty relationships I've been in and being taken advantage of.... I mean u should defend yourself sometimes and not let people step all over you ... but its hard not to go over board sometimes because your just frustrated feeling like no one understands or wants to understand where you're coming from

[@munchiekins]

hope you have someone to talk to ❤️‍🩹

[@hellspawned666]

yep, can confirm that this is how it starts. in my teen years (i’m almost 30 now) it was often that i was goaded (now known as “trolling”) by those closest to me and it gave me a lot of baggage and self-doubt due to consistently being mocked for not just “laughing along” or “brushing it off” the more extremely and defensively i reacted, and before i knew it i had already become an overly sensitive, highly defensive person that truly can’t trust anyone.

[@jasonbrown7258]

For me i was raised by a super helicopter mother. I always got accused of something always had to explain myself constantly regardless if I had physical proof right in front of me which was every time. Now at 47 I'll give what I believe is a detailed explanation for something and still get accused of being defensive especially from the wife. I believe some people are intimidated by others being on top of things and having better awareness of what's going on so they just cop out and call you defensive.

[@francesbernard2445]

Dr. Carter I have noticed that some people who are covert narcissists only act defensive in a far more underhanded way making some people feel like they do not dare show any kind of personal creativity around them and they do not dare show any kind of difference of opinion than theirs no matter how small. If that person is a professor in a class you have paid tuition for past the first week or when that is a required course that is only offered once a year by that same professor whom was recommended by the chair of the program to you well then your best decision making process is going to be making each of your decisions to be blending in like a grey rock with the rest of the students until graduating from that program of study only if it is your last option when it comes to finishing a college or university education. If that is a nurse who is supposed to be caring for you well then that is a whole lot tougher situation for you to be coping with.

[@DrLesCarter]

Yes, good that you can spot it since coverts are often more coy and subtle about it. Dr. C

[@francesbernard2445]

@@DrLesCarter Frustrating when watching people die while their sheltered for their whole life relatives with the same problem do nothing to get them away from that sort of thing after they can no longer speak for themselves.

[@shiamaxwell3482]

That’s my adult daughter!!!! I’ve looked into sooo many videos here and 🎯 this is it . We’ve been estranged since 2014 then I made the call about 2 months ago , one and a half months she said “ You come off as negative “ lol it was just sharing the day in the life of ME and my observations geeesh yeah and she doesn’t like me with a passion so, she did apologize 4 days later. I can’t go through this again.

[@janetrent3399]

Thank you Dr. Carter! Going to work on disagreeing agreeably! Will try to stay in reality!

[@DrLesCarter]

Easier said than done, but it CAN be done! Dr. C

[@hissyfitz7890]

Their defensiveness = victim mentality = manipulative tool.

[@phoenixbg2096]

Have a beautiful day Dr. Carter, thank you for all your videos, you always bring peace🪶

[@DrLesCarter]

Very pleasant thoughts, PhoenixBG. Dr. C

[@nfm7011]

Thank you!!

[@hairdresser1300]

Eye opening. Thank you

[@user-io7pn4vl1g]

Hello beautiful how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?

[@Celtic-Wild-Sparrow]

@@user-io7pn4vl1g Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!

[@Altermyego-]

Doc. This is one of the best ones yet. Thank you so much.

[@kimberlydilworth563]

Thank you for your kind words. I always feel better after listening to you.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you so much for all your amazing insights! Being round someone who is catastrophizing is exhausting!

[@bigtimefirebreather214]

Your videos are a godsend! Thanks so very much!

[@bluestar.8938]

Thank you Dr C : )

[@IBNED]

Great new seg-in music along with Mr. Guss....

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks...I like that intro too, thanks to my buddy, Jeff, for putting it together. Dr. C

[@AshantiAltovese]

💎🦢💙🦋😇🦋💙🦢💎thank you for this!

[@larryadams9935]

Great topic, Dr. Carter! Both my siblings are often incredibly defensive. It's good to understand that behavior and know how to handle it. Thank you!

[@reychak]

So much ❤️ you always put me back on track Dr. Carter, thank you!

[@solutionfocused7147]

This is Really helpful, Les. Thank you!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

You’re so awesome, Dr. Carter! Thanks so much for your guidance and encouragement! It’s helped me so much!!! Have a great Father’s Day!

[@Wavesfromthenorth]

This is so helpful specially during times like these when people react instead of listening and paying attention. Dr. Carter is based!

[@mamathemeat]

We call those a “Karen”

[@DrLesCarter]

I assume you are a millennial? I think that's pretty clever. Dr. C

[@mamathemeat]

@@DrLesCarter I don’t even know what millennial means exactly although I have heard it a lot but I was born in 86. Karen is funny but sometimes used out of context and I don’t mean it specifically for white people either. I just said it because I dealt with someone like that recently. Thanks for your videos, I love them 💗

[@Mutasis_Mutandis]

“Karen” is a derogatory term meant to disparage someone. It’s a control mechanism.

[@mamathemeat]

@@Mutasis_Mutandis that’s not how I meant it or say it. It’s when people are acting aggressively and offended over nothing. Go ahead and look Karen’s up on KZbin and you’ll see.

[@mamathemeat]

@@Mutasis_Mutandis but just like anything ppl can use it in a negative way, just like the term “narcissist”

[@sallylee4647]

"Dropping the shock" as this has happened before...so true! I can get controlling with negative behaviors, but I am learning to state my case and leave it there. Thank you Dr. Carter as I always can relate, feel validated and learn something to improve.

[@healingwithmeg]

brilliant video, thank you Dr Les!

[@karynegough7564]

Gus is back! So nice to see. Great message too. Thanks.

[@rissa_mariposa]

This video was literally perfect, thank you, Dr

[@rosered1151]

Thank you.

[@DianneElizabeth64]

Oh not being defensive has been mastered with everyone but with me. So far you are the most informative video I have found.

[@richellepeace4457]

Maybe people should think before they speak....a lot of times It's not an accident it's passive aggressive behavior.

[@zzzcocopepe]

This was genius, thank you so much for this. I'm actually currently dealing with it while I'm listening to this. And it's really helpful to hear this. And thank you so much. I'm driving. I'm a professional truck driver. And it's a lot of cars and a lot of truck drivers who are extremely defensive. I will merge lanes and they'll think I'm doing it to them. Which is kind of funny to me. Because obviously I'm just merging lanes because that's the route that I'm taking. But people act like it's the end of the world sometimes. Or, there's a bunch of truck drivers who are just so defensive and undermined and they just don't even trust anybody at all. And it's impossible to deal with them. So this was so freaking helpful because it actually allowed me to waive off several people in real-time while listening. Because even though I already knew this. Sometimes, when they get under your skin, they start attacking even harder. And you really just need an outside helping hand

[@boorex4203]

Im highly defensive and just started working on it. Thanks for this info doc.

[@susanmeda8202]

I've seen 2 people in my life deal with someone like this. They dealt in a way that impressed me so much. I just never could figure out how they pulled it off.

[@izawaniek2568]

Your advice is invaluable. Thank you dr Carter. You have been incredible support for me. Decency and goodness and respect.

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased, Iza. Dr. C

[@HanFollo]

Thank you for this wonderful video. Will come back to this from time to time. All great suggestions.

[@bluskie605]

thank you!!!

[@drlarrymitchell]

Here I am Feeling like a fucking fool Do I react the way exactly She intends me to? Everytime I think I'm off the hook She makes me lose my cool I'm her machine And she can punch all the keys She can push any button I was programmed through

[@lynnchotoocho9713]

Thank you very much for your great advice, Doc. oh, I've been wondering what your pooch's name is, Gus seems like a good buddy. I love that he's welcome to lie in the easy chair.

[@brynnleapierce5600]

Oh yes, when I ask “what went on at work today”, (based on 3-4 text messages indicating bad day, feeling bad, I hate this job, blah, blah blah)! Next thing I knew he raised his voice & became defensive & angry⁉️ An argument followed! Needless to say after multiple scenarios throughout our relationship it was exhausting. I'm out of it now but you said it best!

[@suzannerutherford7631]

Your videos are helping me learn and understand so I can be up to the task thank you

[@joseenoel8093]

Goalies!

[@liberte1334]

Again...thank you. This is the root of my problem right now. I do try to remain the calm logical one in this but if the other person remains almost hysterically defensive about silly misunderstandings and then digs in for more....what can you do? I have looked to myself here too, looking for my own defensive reactions. But calm, logical explanation and reason doesn't seem to work if the other won't even listen or digs in to their defence mode even harder to avoid losing face.

[@keariewashburn4680]

I went no contact. So sick of hearing the accusations and half baked crap so much. No communication and being told I'm the problem ect....told him he was absolutely impossible! Told him I get absolutely nauseous if I even bother to think about him and his stuff and definitely tired of him wanting help from me. It's never his responsibility in his mind. So, I left him alone with his stuff!!

[@TC-gx3qn]

Excellent advice, Dr. C. Dealing with these people can definitely make it hard not to get aggressive with them. I have to take many deep breaths, lol.

[@GigaTyrone1]

It can be immensely tiring feeling as if you have to walk on eggshells dealing with the emotional frailty of a defensive person. I do my best to approach situations with them gently, but after so long, my patience wears thin. Either they need to grow, or I need to separate myself.

[@amandagish5976]

I'm highly defensive so I'm watching this to see how to correct my attitude. Thank you.