10 Signs of Narcissistic Parents [2025]

[@patrickteahanofficial]

0:00 Intro 1:15 Were Both Parents Safe? 1:56 Were They Narcissistic? 2:30 the Other Parent Had Power 3:29 1. Not Protective of Their Children (Neglectful) 4:00 2. They Are Co-dependent, and Should Divorce, but Don’t (Bad Modeling for Kids) 4:40 3. They Allow Children to Be Parentified (Especially Firstborn) 5:15 4. They Are More Loyal to Toxic People Than to You 5:43 5. They Can Enjoy Being Martyred for Enduring a Toxic Parent. 6:31 6. They Teach Submission and Diminished Self vs Boundaries and Empowerment 7:17 7. They Have Limited Ability to Love Children Fully 8:16 8. They Can Easily Betray You (Wait Till Your Father Gets Home, Spreading Secrets) 8:58 9. They Don’t Relate to You Like a Normal Parent Would (Rescuer, Confidant, Fellow Survivor, Surrogate Spouse) 9:52 10. How They Love You Is Confusing (Empty Promises) 10:38 Final Thoughts 12:41 Connect With Me 13:05 Outro

[@bouncereightyone9337]

Thank you for making this insightfull video about the other parent. It would be great for us to learn more about a subject hardly covered: the autistic mother- grandiose narcissist father. I recognise multiple points in this video, and the codependency part developed trough this. Would love to learn more in depth about autistic parent with narcissist partner.

[@rkgrammynaenae7225]

Time about the safe apparent list because everything you said I couldn't understand in my life

[@hoosiergirl6344]

Oh, I finally realized both of my parents were codependent, neglectful, narcissist, and enablers in different ways. It was definitely an awakening. My mom was way more covert about it. When I look back now, my mind is blown I didn't see it. She raised me to be completely selfless and I was responsible for everyone else's feelings. Of course, this made me codependent. And any time I stepped out of my assigned role, I was wrong and selfish. I've completely rejected this role now and accept my selfishness. My family's dynamic is bonkers bc outside people would never see it. It is so well hidden. My parents are considered goals for people bc they have been married 50+ years but no one sees how unhealthy they are. All of this has been painful and overwhelming to see. Bottom line, neither were safe for me. And I know that now, finally in my 40s. I never would have guessed bc I thought it was normal.

[@user-xf5zu5bo8t]

I was over 40 when I understood my father's role as an enabler never taking my side. Until that I thought that he was a good father. Like a good father would just sit and watch his kid getting abused.

[@nothingtofind9099]

When a person internalizes the excuses made by the more complacent, accommodating parent, then it sets you up for putting up with horrible boundaries and relationships into adulthood due to cognitive dissonance and gullibility.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

well said!

[@tingyang5619]

👍

[@The-Finisher]

Louder for the folks in the back!!!

[@sarihfahrner1765]

"Cognitive dissonance and gullibility" Thank you for that!!! For so long I had a desperate need to believe in (my little person's) people, or at the very least.. to try to understand...But I would rarely find anything but chaotic confusion. I lost my words for a long time. I could barely even form the words into the right order for asking this one question: What is wrong with this picture? Nothing is ever as it appears to be!!! You said it! Cognitive dissonance and gullibillity, and the source of it!! If ever I am able to write a book, it will likely be about The First Desperate Need To Believe ! Thank you again! I am very very sorry to know there are so many people who know this experience. But I am grateful for all who willingly step forward to hold out the light for others. Also, I am very grateful that I now know I won't be getting lost in that darkness of chaotic confusion ever again!

[@chazdomingo475]

Story of my life

[@m.taylor]

The one parent would tell me I had to 'please' the toxic parent. What a load of crap I was fed as a child.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

You are definitely not alone ♥️

[@carmenpentek-meyyappan6138]

I hear you. To me they said I shouldn't forget to smile in front of other people or when I was hanging out in my family's store.

[@TanyaDavis954]

The court's force this

[@amarbyrd2520]

I'm horrified how many other people this happened to but how clueless MOST therapists still seem to be ...

[@formichedappertutto]

Exactly. I have spent years and tons of money trying to see what was going on in my family, my heart, my pain. I am alive. It has probably helped in a way.

[@maevey3]

Yeah, with you on that one. It's scary how they can perpetuate the harm.

[@LSMH528Hz]

@@maevey3 just what I was thinking. They have no excuse whatsoever to pretend ignorance to perpetuate their own income. There should be laws against these abusers.

[@AlleMineSoMe]

@@amarbyrd2520 That, and how invalidating friends and others often are as they don’t understand how severe such damage actually is

[@GamerTheoryOfValue]

Clueless? My therapists were complicit.

[@spacegirl226]

My mother was the neglectful, controlling screamer. My old man was "safer". Only now after a few years of deep processing what happened have I discovered my old man wasn't safer -- he simply didn't give a shit. He wasn't yelling or controlling because he didn't care he had children and these pesky things called responsibilities. Neither parent has ever tried to work on their trauma and be a better person, and being in their lives was nothing but misery. No one was safe. Internet hugs to all you survivors. You deserved better. Give yourself the best! Thank you, Patrick.

[@ubergigglefritz]

What's crazy for me is the "unsafe" parent is the one sort of being reflective and working on himself (with our relationship) as I've gotten to older adulthood. My mom, who was the "safe" one when I was a kid, is still 100% the martyr and just ignores anything my dad does, no statements of self awarenesses or growth...

[@r1leyb0y1]

@@ubergigglefritz , wow, that's crazy! The same thing happened to me. My Dad was the more SCARY one, when we were kids, but my Mom was always the more sneaky covert abuser. Through hard knocks, my Dad finally opened his eyes, and as he got older, he became more gentle, and grew from his mistakes. My Mom never did.

[@KB-wh9bu]

@spacegirl226 💯 ...mine....neither were ready or ABLE to be parents ...they were educated, old enough, financially stable, etc...but so broken (and without insight to it) they had no business pretending to be parents

[@shewins3775]

Same.

[@Sarah-oc9zc]

You as well, thanks for sharing your story!!

[@painetdldy]

the 'other' parent ... the enabler

[@UnfortunateTruth-xt7jj]

🎯🎯🎯🎯

[@auspicious6703]

Realising my meeker parent was an enabler was something, and recently I’m realising just how sinister they are, a total covert narcissist. In many ways they are even more dangerous than the overt parent.

[@vivtzka]

Exactly. Also neglectful

[@cc1k435]

That's more what I think was happening. He was taking direction from her, mainly.

[@KB-wh9bu]

@@auspicious6703 right? Same here

[@angieshehane5694]

Grandiose father, martyr mother. He was abusive, she was neglectful.

[@luna_soleil]

Same here ❤

[@becs_forlife]

Same here. What a combo! 😭 And then get emotionally manipulated because I can't show love to her 😢

[@jamesricketts5886]

Same for me too.. 🫶

[@obsidiswan]

SAME!

[@s.s.athome7982]

same.

[@Mallowolf]

My safer parent manipulated me as a young child, to use me like an oven mitt to handle the unsafe parent. I thought I understood, as a now adult. But that’s really sad for little me.

[@lemsip207]

My mother blamed me for upsetting my father by saying I 'aggravated' him. I actually trod on eggshells around him. He was completely emotionally dysregulated. Whenever I asked him to stop doing something to me, he did it even more, so my mother had to intervene.

[@ilexopaca9835]

" To use me like an oven mitt" wow. I've never heard that comparison and its really apt when I look back on my own stuff. Thank you.

[@lemsip207]

@Mallowolf It was the other way round as my safer parent was the only one who could get through to him. In the school holidays she left my father to watch us while she went shopping. In the term time she got the shopping done in the mornings while we were at school. By the time she got home, we were crying for her as he was physically bullying us. It started with jokingly pinching us, but he didn't know when to stop, and the pinches and punches got harder the more we protested. So after that she went in the week when it was quieter and had us in tow. That meant she would take us to the book shop or toy shop to spend our pocket money as a reward for tagging along, and that took up an extra half an hour. We didn't stop for coffee or ice cream but went straight home. It was difficult shopping with children as we would make suggestions for her to buy this and that. When we got a bit older, she left us outside the supermarket to wait for her. Then one day she left us in the back garden with a neighbour, keeping an eye on us from her back garden.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

♥️♥️♥️let’s heal together

[@Jesskay-c8n]

@@lemsip207same…if she did intervene it was “honey” but then he would take her down at the knees- he berated and belittled her on an almost hourly basis…she couldn’t even have her own voice. So messed up.

[@mikelobrien]

Mom used Dad as her weapon of control. You're right, I had to see one parent as the "safer" one, so I usually thought that was Mom. In fact, it was neither of them. They were a team, two sides of one coin, "good cop bad cop." Caused a lot of trust problems and abandonment fears for me as both a child and an adult.

[@Arya-cf7vu]

Yes this!

[@JKDVIPER]

That whole, who's safer thing, that's a creepy one. Hard to spot, trauma bonding to a parent with no boundaries. 🙏💯😊

[@silverlagomorpha3177]

Abandonment fears. Jeez, all my childhood fears wrapped up in two words. It didn’t help that I got lost in a supermarket when I was four or five. I searched the store for her, trying not to cry, absolutely panicked when people asked me, with selective mutism, if I was lost. I finally found her and burst into tears. She asked what was wrong and I told her I got lost. She said Don’t be ridiculous, I was right here the whole time, and continued shopping. SHE HADN’T EVEN NOTICED I WAS GONE! What if she’d finished shopping and gone home without me? It was horrible and I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It was an earth shattering experience and I had nightmares for years.

[@mikelobrien]

@silverlagomorpha3177 I am so sorry that happened to you! The nightmares must have been torture. 😢

[@malwads1836]

​@@silverlagomorpha3177Those little things mean so much to young children don't they?Even if getting lost in a supermarket isn't terrifying to a adult.... It's seen much differently through the eyes of a young child.This is why it's so important for us as adults to try to 👀 the 🌎 through the eyes of children so we can better tend to their emotional needs.

[@aprilmendenhall6705]

They refused to divorce because of their religion (and refused to acknowledge they needed to split), but I begged for it every day until I moved. She was the monster. He never protected me from her. He just told me “You know how she is. Don’t rock the boat, don’t make her mad, and just do what she says”

[@emmaray9917]

I feel ill reading this. I’m so sorry this happened to you 😢

[@jessm2560]

my mother would say "Catholics don't get divorced !"

[@SomeDudeWithBadOpinions]

Exactly the same for me. I begged her to leave him for years and the worst part was she took on this “brave survivor” front for leaving him after the damage had already been done.

[@aslquiz2310]

You deserve so much better, April! I hope you're getting it today! Our unconscious "you know how they are..." parent was selfishly leveraging their adult privilege to sacrifice our safety to protect themselves.

[@JJ-qd9yl]

My dad is the same except they got divorced twice and keep getting back together🙄I’m Muslim so if they get divorced one more time the trauma bond is over, can’t wait for them to grow up. I’m not raising them anymore

[@SomeDudeWithBadOpinions]

I needed this video. My mother admitted to me that she only left my father because she knew that once I left the house, she would get the abuse. It opened my eyes and I’ve been a bit stuck on it since.

[@pam8056]

That is some crazy shit for a mom to knowingly choose herself and sacrifice her child, and then feel like it was so ok to be that way she told you about it. What an evil, selfish coward.

[@BiancamellaSays]

Holy shit that's disgusting. I can imagine your heartbreak..

[@KB-wh9bu]

@SomeDudeWithBadOpinions I'm sorry About that... I know what you mean in a way... My father left my mother when I was 18 and she of course was mad and throwing histrionic fits and everything, and only then.... didshe ask me if he ever touched me (inappropriately). ...and I'm thinking...s you wait until you're upset about him leaving you before you ask me such a question? Yet you've wondered since I was a preteen? Nice! Funny thing is I don't remember him doing it but then I wondered because i know when i was a teen, all of a sudden I did have this intense hatred for him and I couldn't quite pinpoint where it came from.

[@SomeDudeWithBadOpinions]

@@KB-wh9bu Yeah that’s awful. I’m so sorry.

[@KB-wh9bu]

@SomeDudeWithBadOpinions thanks. I'm sorry for your experiences too. At least we know we are in good company. 😏

[@kyt-nh1ef]

Honestly the harm done from the enabling parent is more traumatic to me than the abusive parent. With the abusive parent, a lot of my trauma was body based--once I engaged in body based trauma work, the triggers and feelings from that abusive parent has subsided. But with the enabling parent I learn and feel lifelong consequences for that, because it has influenced how I see the world or relate to others so much, and yet because no one talks about it I often feel like I'm going crazy for eventually calling out the enabling parent. The enabling parent taught me that, even if the person is 'good', they will always disappoint, they will not protect me, they will ignore or gaslight me, so I expect that to happen for every human I meet, even the best of humans who love me.

[@こなた-m1o]

oh my god ): you saying this made me realize i have the same fucked up learning from my enabler father...!!

[@colbys1257]

Same with the enabling parent being the more traumatizing one...the total lack of care and protection, even in the worst situations, hurt more than the bombastic thunder, danger, and rage of my father.

[@smirbelbirbel]

Thank you so much for spelling it out. This was really eye-opening for me! That explains so much, especially enduring so much disrespect from partners because they were "a good person".

[@slothisasin8240]

I just wait for my great fiance to take my parents side, because that's what almost everyone did

[@lorra222]

​ dear you need to be no contact try and keep you and your fiance away from them

[@perj10]

I was in my 40s when I realized about the safer parent. It does explain a lot.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

Glad it was helpful!

[@annagro2225]

44 years …

[@saintchronic]

43💜💚

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

48

[@jungcarlgustav]

39

[@annaburns2865]

My dad was a grandiose narcissist. My mom was a covert narcissist. It took me a lot longer to figure out that my mom was a narcissist. She hid it well. She was a victim, until she wasn’t.

[@wimtimmerman6730]

Dear Anna, you describe my situation exactly. I am still processing this, 25 years after the death of my 'safer' victim covert narcissist mother, who parentified me from age 10, and 21 years after the death of my grandiose, extremely aggressive and unpredictable narcissist father. For the last few years, I've been living alone (I'm 62 now), and I feel safe that way for the first time in my life. I'm safe with myself, and this feels so good. I have never been happier.

[@OCEAN_OF_FOXES]

How do you feel about her now, and what is your relationship with her, this private one as you think of it?

[@sheilarooney690]

​Almost 60 here, realizing all of this, has hit me hard. ​@wimtimmerman6730

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

@@wimtimmerman6730me too at 48. Left my abusive husband; repition compulsion until you heal it. Never again! I await greater freedom in their passing

[@JustinaJayne]

After my dad passed in 2019….. it has become so clear I had two abusive neglectful abandoning parents. And they were both as bad. Different ways. Insidious. There has actually been no one this whole time……………….

[@billydiaz7280]

That's exactly it. And now as an adult who considers my kids, I wonder wtf mom. Wt actually f.

[@bereal6590]

Both of mine are alive and this is exactly how I feel. I became very ill a few years ago, I said to my now elderly mother that I was upset my father doesn't care to even ask me how I am, her response "well how do you think I feel". That's been the whole dynamic since day one but took until I hit rock bottom to see it. I tried for two years to have a better relationship with her just to get hurt over and over. It's all been a con and that hurts. She controlled through blame shame guilt neglect. Both of them blamed me as a child for her chronic illness, oh the freaking irony!

[@nael_tm]

same, my mom, the abusive parent, passed away, and then it became clear how toxic my father, the safer one, was as well, so I lost both my parents at the same, actually, it's a hard process

[@MK-ju2vp]

Same. My mother, who I viewed as more approachable, died a few months ago. I had been struggling all last year with the realization she was just more covert and not just codependent and reduced all contact to minimal. Her health rapidly declined after having been stable but chronically ill for years. I was tired and overwhelmed a lot all year and spent the year decluttering and working through things. When she died I just felt relief. We were never really bonded in any healthy way and I realized what a negative draining impact she had had on me for years.

[@nonefyer372]

Honestly, I don't know what to make of these anymore. It's been so weird seeing these videos and have someone speak about your life as if they've experienced the whole thing. I don't know how I feel that these are such common patterns; It's like parents read a book on "How to be a narcissist" and just follow the play by play. Yet, it comes with a sense of freedom. Realizing and working on internalizing that it wasn't me, just their own patterns. And now I can work on healing and not following the same footsteps.

[@eiwagarciabrito495]

Omg I relate with what you said. I feel so sad that more people had my childhood apparently, I always thought I was the only person in the world that went through this.

[@BiancamellaSays]

Humans are creatures of habit and follow patterns of behavior-- and in a place like this channel where we're all brought together by our childhood trauma, I don't think it's so surprising that we find kindred spirits who understand us and went through similar. Our individual stories are unique and differ in the details, but the structure they follow is similar. Life is a constant push and pull of action and reaction and vice versa. That's how generational trauma patterns develop. It takes self-awareness, responsibility, and discipline to choose to end that cycle and be different, to not pass on our traumas to our children-- or at least recognize, take a breath, and self-correct when our trauma is rearing its head. It's a long tough journey, but it helps to know we're not alone on that journey. Stay strong. :)

[@nobodymatters3294]

I am awestruck when I meet a person with a non abusive childhood

[@Jesskay-c8n]

Such a good reflection. Good for you for staying true to yourself and healing journey ❤

[@sweetdreams3119]

Yes, this was my experience and still is. My siblings refuse to acknowledge the damage my 'safer' mother did by favoring, parentifing, neglect, scapegoating, etc.. It's tragic how pervasive and long term the damage continues to be, but at least there's trained therapists finally addressesing it. Thank you!

[@bluebutterfly5062]

The sibling denial is real. My siblings are convinced my mom is a Saint, albiet naive, but they were not the scape goat

[@fmcg5364]

It happens, my brother doesn't think it was so bad, this is weird but what got me to see that it has nothing to do with me is when I watched 2 separate TV shows where the mother had killed the abusive parent and both kids testified to opposite situations, one claimed he never saw anything his mother was guilty of murder and the other one would talk about how bad it was and was on the mother side.

[@openmind4153]

Hi Patrick ! i was one of those "safer " parents .now my kids are in their 40's and i have recognized and apologized to them for not being actually the "safer" one ...they remember me taking them to the bedroom in the back of the house and closing all the doors , turning the TV loud ,to drown out their dad and friends when he was "partying/drinking". He was mean when he got drunk ..but it was always directed at me ...not the kids ,so of course i was afraid of him and never spoke up or created healthy boundaries ..... I eventually waited until kids were teens before i left my husband. Those days was all about "wait till the kids are older " before you leave. Looking back ..this did not model boundaries for my kids . I was extremely submissive .I'm in my 70's and reflecting about my childhood as well as my parenting ...Life is hard ...and starting a family is serious . I don't think we behaved responsibly for the welfare of our kids ...so sorry😢

[@KB-wh9bu]

@@openmind4153 kudos to you for reflecting and acknowledging.....more than most ever do. ❤️🫂

[@ericb8413]

I appreciate your comment. You did what you thought was right at that time. You can’t beat yourself up for not having the knowledge you have now. When we know better we do better. Wishing you peace. 🕊️

[@laurazielinski2437]

Same here. Married to an abusive alcoholic narcissist for 23 years and stayed “for the children” bc was told all my life it was best. Big fat lies! Now I’m trying to explain to my kids how I failed them and help them see the repercussions. And pay for their therapy.

[@niina9777]

Well done for apologizing. Many are unable to do that

[@jenniferfirst3030]

The alternative would have been to leave him. Then the children would’ve had to endure the brunt of this abuse on their own. Good luck proving psychological or emotional abuse to the courts. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could at the time.

[@katydid594]

Mom displays all the signs and behaviors of a malignant, covert narcissist. My dad was the only one who showed me any type of affection. Unfortunately, he drank too much, was moody, bowed to her demands, and abused me in other ways. It’s very damaging when there’s no safe person growing up.

[@こなた-m1o]

INCREDIBLY damaging ):

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I’m so sorry…..only allow yourself to be around safety for the remainder of your life…..be ever vigilant ♥️♥️…..my scapegoated husband and I are doing same

[@katiearkie]

I used to think my mom was a saint just because she wasn't like my dad. Only well into my 30s I realized she was actually worse than my dad, she was just sneaky about it while dad was loud and obvious.

[@DJH97]

Same. My dad was physically and verbally abusive while my mother stood by and watched him beat us then watched my oldest sister beat on me and did nothing. She was emotionally abusive with silent treatments and triangulating with we 3 daughters. Miserable childhood. All 3 of us have been married multiple times as e married abusive partners. Parents ruined us.

[@HeavenDancer]

@@katiearkie same. My father was bad enough other people noticed. My mom was the sneaky angel that fooled even me for decades till one catalytic day the mask fell off.

[@buchrisss]

SAME. Took me until my 40s to see my mother’s mask fall… she was so sneaky I had to start journaling our interactions bc I thought I was going crazy. The messed up part is realizing your own mother doesn’t really want the best for you & can’t be trusted! She purposefully provoked my dad to anger at US KIDS to divert any attention away from her poor/neglectful parenting. Now as adults she provokes me, my siblings, aunts etc like it’s a game. Knew what she was doing the whole time & I blindly trusted her as a saint.

[@chris10tjeuh]

So recognizable! And when she destroyed everything with my sons I actually saw it, I was already 47 then… Very hidden and destructive.

[@bereal6590]

Playing the martyr is my mother's thing. She loves people who are down so she can 'rescue'.

[@qianwenouyang5124]

When you said the legacy left in the child is that the child is triggered when his/her friends are not really being there for him/her….. that spoke to my soul and explained so much.

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

Me too, huge abandonment and trust issues

[@elizabethmiller3384]

Thanks for this. I always believed my mom was the “safe” one. It was only when I took psych in college that I learned her favorite phrase was a major red flag:(don’t ever tell anyone what goes on in this house”

[@BiancamellaSays]

I explicitly remember my mother telling me to wear long sleeves to school to hide the bruises. I didn't. CPS was called.

[@lolidk3216]

this just made me tear up i have never felt so understood

[@pinkrobot36]

Safe parent was my Dad and I really stuck up for him for a long time. This video is a great depiction of the lack of responsibility of the 'safer' parent. In reality this person was not a safe place, in reality they were neglectful, in reality this parent was selfish and manipulative. It's hard to come to terms with but when I finally came to terms with this, I started to really heal.

[@KB-wh9bu]

It's VERY hard when u realize that isn't it? It was for me, it hit me between the eyes...slightly different details, but when I realized the one parent wasn't the good one, was actually the one that twisted things so I was indoctrinated to "their side", it was like I was hit by a truck.

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

@@KB-wh9bu I agree, my dad never pretended to be anything but abusive and authoritarian, I knew what I was dealing with him and avoided being alone with him at all cost or interacting with him. Finding out the reality of who my mother really was in all of this, it came as a shock! A child does not see the deceipt and manipulation, especially when they are so desperate to feel 'safe and protected.' She adored my dad and wanted to be with him, so she ignored everything going on. If us children showed any of our needs she would erupt with either drama, tears or a slap, so that we only focussed on her needs. Her life did take an unexpected turn when he was arrested in his 70s for historical abuse and because it was going public, she turned her back on him in a blink of an eye and pretended to be the innocent wife who knew nothing had been going on and a victim. Selfish and heartless.

[@cafeguitarist]

🌱🌿

[@KB-wh9bu]

@Yearofthetiger24026 I'm so sorry. I can relate. It's crazy to me how I THOUGHT i had dealt with the complexities of my childhood...but didn't realize it was only barely scratching the surface. When I realized my mom was NPD, while things made more sense...sooooo much more made less sense. .because everything I "knew" to be true...the things she said about her "love" for me, etc....was suddenly all a lie. It really throws ya into a mental vertigo of sorts...not knowing or trusting your own sense of "facts". It's confusing, hurtful, enraging, and humiliating in a way. Then I realize how it really does drive so many of my internal reactions to everything. It is just ....I don't know...feels like I was hijacked out of the life I could've had vs the life I was told to have...in a way. Ya know?

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

@KB-wh9bu I am sorry that you are experiencing the aftermath also. When you discover something so profound about the 'safer' parent, I just see this little girl, all different ages so sad or terrified. It's hard to process that now, even with a great therapist and doctor, because you still have to manage all of those hours alone.

[@AlleMineSoMe]

10:09 A lot of gifts without sincere connection. That one has been so utterly confusing for me! You feel the insincerity, but also feel shame about not just being grateful they’ve bought you something. The insincerity has really been so tough to see but not being able to call out

[@DriftlessWarrior]

"Of course I love you! Didn't I just buy you a brand new bicycle?" --safer parent who ignored both of us kids

[@AlleMineSoMe]

@@DriftlessWarrior and it takes so many years to actually realise the damaging effect

[@malwads1836]

It's because those 🎁s were a very cheap replacement for actual love....They couldn't give you true love & understanding so they just gave you meaningless things instead.

[@jip7971]

That has been confusing for me as well. I received a lot of gifts and it made me feel weird, because you feel you have to be grateful but you know something is off. I never asked for anything. My mother said that this was the way my dad showed he cared. But that was not the only reason; a lot of gifts were to show off and impress others. Most gifts were over the top even financially and that made me feel ashamed. My mom would always tell the price to other people. Even as a child it made feel uncomfortable.

[@nobodymatters3294]

Feeling unworthy, like a burden for them having to provide for you. OMG, y'all shared my pain

[@AS-ls4nb]

So true. I've always known my dad had problems, but it was really hard to come to terms with how my mom failed me.

[@painetdldy]

right? when you study these kind of parents, it's shocking how much the 'safe' parent messed you up, right down to accepting that crap in your own relationships.

[@jip7971]

​@@painetdldyIt took me two marriages

[@LibbyOverly]

This hit the nail on the head. I was mom’s confidant and counselor. I tried to encourage her to divorce the SOB when I was a teen or young adult. She was afraid he’d try to ruin her life or that she’d be financially ruined (she had an ok job). It took me many many years to recognize that she hurt me far more deeply than he did, because my walls went up whenever I had to deal with him until the day he died.

[@IrethAmandil]

I feel this. It took me too long to realize that my mother was emotionally unstable and envious, and deep down resented my father for not fixing all her problems. As a kid I thought he was mean and angry, but as an adult I wonder how he ever kept it together with her as a partner having 4 girls. He's not absolved of the ways he hurt us too but he has always been the one to show me what humility and integrity were. Not once has my mom shown that kind of vulnerability. Of course I don't know the specifics of your situation but I'm sure your dad knew on some level what was going on and wouldn't hold it against you for not having a clear view of the situation.

[@courtr1588]

content note: medical neglect I was 52 pounds. 12 and a half years old. They saw me losing weight. Everyone did. No one cared. The only reason I was able to gain weight and continue to live was because my doctor finally stepped in. I didn't know my situation was bad because everyone around thought that to be in a state that wasn't acceptable for them should be acceptable for me (because I had a disability). As an adult, looking at photos and medical records from back then is scary. I have felt as invisible as I looked. So many adults witness abuse of children and do nothing, or only step in when their butt is on the line themselves (AKA my doctors, who couldn't let me go directly home once my weight dropped to a "low enough" point). I didn't realize that my mother wasn't just a victim of my father's abuse but that she was also an abuser herself until years into my adulthood. As someone with a physical disability, I genuinely could not make space for that idea (reality) in my brain until I broke, mentally. Life is hard, but I'm stronger now, and much more aware. I try to help others with disabilities but also just people in general going through rough times. I couldn't be more grateful for your videos Patrick. Thank you.

[@nobodymatters3294]

Bless you and I am grateful you shared your pain. Please stay strong. I will cheer you on!

[@courtr1588]

@@nobodymatters3294 Thank you so, so much. I pray you stay strong, too! Let's fight this good fight!

[@cairosilver2932]

When 'the' toxic one dies, this one's mask falls off. They used the more toxic one to mask their own toxicity.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Yes!

[@lhl4641]

I had to vent as I m feeling so furious right now and I can't sleep. My mom never protected us from my abusive alcoholic father, I was always her counselor and confidant as she would just dump all her negative emotions and problems on me, she always had 'no choice', very good at self preserving, use us to serve her needs and wants, never asked about what we want, even up to right now all she thinks about is her, herself. I have a 2 year old now and yet she never had any understanding of my situation cause she is always asking me to fetch her and there and even up to a point I had to neglect my baby's needs. I would feel guilty if I don't meet her request and she never said oh it's ok but she will show it to me how upset she is with me like I have let her down. I keep telling her I m so exhausted yet it fell on deaf ears.She just don't seem to get it. She will allow me to continue to serve her in every way I could and she would not decline any offer even though she knows I asked out of politeness , so full of herself. She wants all of her children to serve her.

[@lhl4641]

Thanks to the internet now that I have more knowledge on my issues. I have always felt guilty, bad whenever I can't meet her request, angry at her and also myself but now I know not every mother is a good mother. Sometimes I don't know how to express it but I feel like I m a bad child for not pleasing my mom. My heart is all tangled up because I grew up trying to protect her, love her and care for her but it's like filling an endless pit. It's never enough for her. I m so frustrated because I just realised how I was manipulated by her.

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

This I believe, thanks for the foreshadowing!

[@kathygehlhausen]

Love in a weird way from a distant place, repeatedly drawn to toxic people, disengaged instead of protecting me, set me up to be drawn to toxic people - yea checks out

[@sarihfahrner1765]

Yep, it checks out for sure! answers so many of my questions!

[@PotsandPansWhatsPotsandPans]

I finally allowed myself to be angry at the illusion of the safer parent. It was hard overriding the programming that she was the perfect mother. Getting mad at her implied she did something upsetting. I got curious about it, I gave it expression through journaling. And it turns out I also got comfortable with it because as soon as it started to disapate a little, it revealed the grief underneath and holy smokes was I not prepared for the absolute depths that reaches.

[@tingyang5619]

Same experience here. I think when this is unfolding inside of me and I am processing it, I find it very confusing when my therapist asked, "do you think you are going to be a perfect parent?"

[@sarihfahrner1765]

@@tingyang5619 I am wishing to ask this therapist exactly what kind of therapist does s/he imagine self to be?

[@CoderCoder-px4bd]

Isnt this just the saddest thing on all fronts?? To think the other parent is the "nice" one, because they are not as atrocious. When there is a real openly toxic parent, (or spouse if looking outside the family), its amazing how the other person is the "nice guy" and garners pity, just because they are with someone so disgusting but in reality, they are just as bad, and getting a lot of mileage of the other spouses cruelty, and they get sympathy!!! My dad had me fooled for a long long time! Thank god I got a clue before I gave him my kidney.

[@tandycorbin5601]

The urge to send this to my mother was super strong. But then I remembered that I've been no contact with her since 2017 for good reason. If she wanted to get better, she would.

[@ebonyapplepy3906]

My dad is the quiet enabler/hapoy alcoholic who checks out emotionally and didn't protect me from my narcissistic borderline mother. He just accepted her excuse for beating me and canceling something I was looking forward. I learned not to look excited or anticipate anything fun bcz she would take away. Now, I have an reflex to extinguish any fleeting sign of joy or excitement. I have to give myself permission to enjoy the moment and look forward to future events. She would scan my face for happiness, pride, joy, excitement, hope, love, interest, so she could take away whatever is making me feel that way. Pure evil.

[@26349]

My mother was doing the exact same, it’s insane.

[@sixtysense]

My father is 1 - 10 of this. And I protected him!

[@Jrie101]

Same. I'm 55 and my father has been protecting my substance abusing, alcoholic, narcissistic mother for my entire life. His M.O. is to not make waves, keep secrets, put on a good face, etc., and that's what he taught us kids to do. Now, being elderly, it's just his personality. But it still didn't make it healthy.

[@sixtysense]

@@Jrie101 exactly same

[@Marylou-Johnson]

It's interesting how much we can revere someone who doesn't give a shit about us. Like they're some kind of hero for holding us hostage. Good luck to them both.

[@karlakevin7]

I so badly want to send this to my "safer" parent. I have tried to explain this to him, and he has always feigned ignorance. I asked why he didn't protect us from her, he said he had to be out of the house earning an income. Like he had no choice but to look the other way from the violent abuse of his children. His last words before I went no contact was "God will judge us". This was after a long line of argument by him explaining why she was intelligent and in the right for doing what she was doing at the time (something deeply manipulative and selfish). I gave up hope of ever getting him to acknowledge the reality of how they deeply wounded us. And with that, my interest in speaking to either of them has completely gone.

[@ryn.999]

Send it! Download an app that’ll give you a ‘fake’ number and send it. You can delete it right after sending it so you don’t have to worry to read their response, get an unwanted phone call, or see that they don’t respond at all. Or you can see what they have to say, it’s all up to you. The point is that you absolutely can send it to them anonymously and not worry about them intruding on your no-contact decision

[@ellyk8834]

I think this is more common then people realize.

[@sarihfahrner1765]

Yes. Wow! common,!!! And yet after my long life time I always believed that the place I came from was so far chaotic, convuluted crazy, unpredictably volatile, that it was inexplicable. And that no one would ever believe me even if ever had I to try to explain it. Therefore, at the time, going for help was not even a thought, let alone an option. I am totally blown away by the numbers of people who are survivors showing up here. So much gratitude to Patrick !!! And whatever years I have left feel like a real future for me for the first time ever in my life. By the way, I am 78 and feel so lucky and glad I made it this far! And for a person who lost her words some years ago, hey! I think I found them!!! I am back!!!! Thank you again, to Patrick!!!

[@fyliao]

My “alpha” parent recently passed away. The other parent who has always been the co-dependent, with every behavior described in this video fitting to a tee. Now having no one to hide behind of, this parent went from the passive person, to passive-aggressive and even plain aggressive in only 3 months time since the other parent’s passing. So exposed.

[@haltersweb]

#1, #2, #3, #4, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10!!! My "safe parent" mom hits 9 out of 10 of these. Wow!! She's now in her 80s, is still with my NPD father, has dementia, and is for the first time trying to show affection and interest towards me and my siblings. I show her grace, but must admit her new-found affection is absolutely alien to me.

[@theliterarytarot]

Sounds very similar to my parents

[@up3564]

Wow... sadly familiar

[@sarihfahrner1765]

@@up3564 Yes. very familiar.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@haltersweb She has a strategy- it is for when he is not around and you all can come and take care of her. If this doesn’t work- she will try something less sweet. You are not alone. You do not owe her.

[@sarihfahrner1765]

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Wow! you have amazing clarity! Thank you!!! You shine the light on that kind of weird cleaverness that deliberately creates confusion!!!! I so appreciated this!!!

[@patriciareyes1356]

It’s like the lesser of two evils. The “safer” one co-signs the other ones bs. Both are guilty of bad parenting. Both will have a negative impact on their children. Children are a product of their environment. Growing up with two narcissistic parents is ☠️

[@auspicious6703]

I’m at the point where I’m starting to question if it’s even the lesser or the greater of two evils. At least my overt narc parent’s superiority complex was easy to spot. My covert narc mother’s was much more insidious and she might have damaged my idea of love even more.

[@winterqueenkel]

That's just how Mom is, just try not to upset her...

[@sanv3275]

i worry im becoming this person

[@winterqueenkel]

@sanv3275 leave. My parents have been married 53yrs...he should have left when I was little. They ruined their chances at a normal life living a sham. And ruined me too.

[@sarihfahrner1765]

@@sanv3275 even as a little person I lived in fear of I might become them!

[@shatteredbones1048]

Then I Taught My Children “that’s how Grandma is pay no attention to Grandma!” Ugh

[@PoussinetteFern]

Oh yes my father said that too!

[@pam8056]

#6- yes, 100% I put on a pedastal my enabling dad by contrast to my narc mom, but as I healed and got older, I saw his part in the entire viscious abuse. When I tried to talk to him about her, he would get mad and tell me to stop being difficult, or just be more positive. He also created a dynamic where we were the suffering buddies against her and my 2 brothers- both narcs, one the golden child. When I went no contact 9 years ago with them, but still talked to my dad, he turned on me- it was as if I escaped and put my husband and son first, and held a mirror up to him to what he was too cowardly to do himself, or for us. Sad, but he made his choices, and time and time again, he proved to be a selfish coward.

[@Mbspitz851]

I just stayed at my neighbors house where the neighbors parent treated me awesome.

[@rameezh88]

That part about blurting everything out to the narcissistic parent when I actually wanted support in private is so true. I know I'm codependent because of my mom, but the details about how and why and how the betrayal happened is still unclear to me. This part helped especially. There was more as well, but this kind of betrayal stood out.

[@christinag.2137]

💯 Looking back, I now see how my Dad spent his life running from my mother (essentially, throwing me and my siblings under the bus!) trying to escape her rage at him! He too, was a “victim”. That was our bond along with his non-volatile personality which was all it took to make him the “safer” parent. I marvel at how many characteristics he shared with those presented in this video.

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, the difference is, he was an adult victim who could leave with you at any time. As a child, you had no choice but to stay and your brain was still developing and so could be affected by your environment.

[@helensid6670]

Yes. I'm amazed how my father was able to leave the house leaving young children, his children, alone with a woman in rage, a dangerous monster. We all considered him like the most suffering sibling

[@KB-wh9bu]

Very similar for me...except, I ended up thinking he was in the wrong and it was his fault she was the way she was.....because he'd send me in to "deal" with her as a young child after her rages, so I ended up sympathizing with her, and I was very much turned against him. And her, being NPD, when he told her she turned me against him, she said "impossible..I dare u to try to turn them against me... you couldn't do it. I didn't turn them against you, they formed their own opinions". Of course, she was proud of her perfect indoctrination of us.🙄 when I realized that as an adult, I was floored.

[@cafeguitarist]

🌱🌿

[@christinag.2137]

@@Yearofthetiger24026 so true and it my brain was affected as well as my perception of reality. After all, our parents are our world as children and there is no other experience for the child to draw on to see and understand the injustice of it all.

[@auspicious6703]

You know a narcissist from their inability to take any accountability. Normal people can admit that they were at certain moments ill-intentioned or acting out of their ego. E.g When you’re in a heated argument and you say something very mean and personal, your intention in THAT moment WAS to hurt the other person. We all do it, and normal people can admit it without feeling like a bad person overall. My ‘safer’ parent is a total covert narcissist who can never admit to having had bad intentions, because they have this self image of being ‘pure’ and ‘unconditionally loving’ and a martyr that they have to uphold at all costs. My ‘safer’ parent can never admit to wrongdoing. Either I’m making it up or exaggerating or she didn’t know. She damn well knew, she just didn’t care because speaking up would have broken her image of the ‘the good meek one who just wants peace and tolerates everything’

[@JustSarah12]

I love your work. I survived horrific childhood abuse that crossed into my adulthood by my wealthy parents taking me to civil court, calling me crazy, teaching my child to call her mommy, and the court calling my psychiatric evaluation showing no mental illness “hearsay” then giving them my child because my mental state was unclear. I fought for 10+ years and ended up having to coparent with my abusive parents. I don’t want to bore you with an impossibly long comment if you ever get to see this because the whole story is so long and sordid, but your work has been the final piece in my recovery from my trauma. Thank you 🙏

[@AdventuresWithDogs]

It took a lifetime to realize that my covert narcissist mother was the power behind the throne.

[@realhealing7802]

Yep! She had me fooled. Playing with my emotions and my sympathy. Once I saw who she really was, I couldn't ever unsee this truth. I finally had enough of her sneaky and deceitful tactics. No contact saved my mental and physical health.

[@pbandkelly123]

So hard for children of this dynamic- you already have to deal with the outright narcissistic parent and then you also have to realize that NOBODY was there for you.

[@duchessdelarue5983]

Someone actually told me you can’t have 2 parents that are narcissistic because narcissists usually marry empaths not other narcissists. In my case both of them were. One was classic the other one covert martyr/ victim type. Then I recreated that dynamic in my marriage. When I went through divorce my mother was MIA. Really resonated with this.

[@abigailkendrick]

Both my parents were too. Grandiose father who left and never looked back when I was 7, and a covert, self pitying, emotionally immature mother who went on to have other dysfunctional relationships while my grandparents basically took care of me.

[@duchessdelarue5983]

@ yup same except father never left just tortured all of us with his raging explosions until his death. My mother was always low key envious and jealous of me and constantly put me down.

[@DemureDelight8055]

kind of a painful video. I realized all this like the sky was falling on me all at once after my mom suddenly died when i was thirty. I had no idea until her manipulation was gone to realize any of this. It was devastating to realize that our relationship was a lie. It's nice to know that someone else out there gets this. Thanks for this video Patrick!

[@FrisbeeGirl]

After several decades, I have been able to put this experience words in only the last few months. The unravelling of trust is dizzying and trust is something that I continue to work on. The betrayal from the foster family/protector parent was a harder hit than I could have ever expected and the true final straw for my connection to those families/individuals. On the positive, the freedom from their noise is a blessing full of peace.

[@ΚάποιοςΑγνωστος-χ1ξ]

It never occurred to me that being overly sensitive about others not showing up for us while we are overly showing up for others was a result of trauma from the codependent parent. It’s so obvious now. Like a magic trick where your focus is pulled on the chaotic hand moving around while the other hand is also responsible for the final result. It requires both hands to pull of the trick/trauma. Tadaaa, you are now {pause for effect} Traumatized! 😁

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

Totally

[@themekfrommars]

Yes. My Dad was so obviously abusive with his psychotic decompensation once or twice per day, usually targeted at me, the scapegoat. But my mum was always immune to it, seemingly didn't recognize his behavior as abuse, and could shut him down whenever she wanted. I believe that she leveraged his obvious abuse to position herself as "all good". Which I think leads to me having an a internalized bad object. She was always so concerned with what other people think, and would do that Jekyll and Hyde thing e.g. answering the front door to a neighbor all polite, then closing the front door and returning to her antagonism and shaming. And she'd often put me down or just try to make me look stupid in front of extended family or in one case, her work colleagues.

[@siiiriously3226]

I didn‘t really have a safe patent. My father was an alcoholic with regular outbursts of physical, verbal, emotional aggression, but he was also the one whom i felt loved by. The one who gave gifts and gestures that made ne feel loved and connected with or showed me kindness and grace in critical situations (like when i failed my main exam or crashed his car a week after a total repair job done on it) Whereas my mother was, just bot there, emotionally. She was safer physically, but she has tge emotional range of a brick, is hyper critical, betrayed and abandoned me in moments of ultimate despair. And she did cruel and unfair things to me when she was presented with an easy opportunity. They were just both unsafe.

[@LisaFenton-h7f]

VERY USEFUL VIDEO!!! Really helping me NAME where my lifelong care-taking of others, how being "parentified" by my alcoholic mother has continued to shape my adult relationships. Everything explained with such CLARITY. THANK YOU, Patrick!

[@inthenebula92]

I love that you advocate for "safe" parent work because I feel like it never gets focussed on in the childhood trauma communities. It's very easy to focus on the one who did the more obvious damage, and less so on the one who enabled it. It's helped me a lot, honestly I think I healed more through processing the "safe parent" wound than the "unsafe" parent wound. I felt like this video helped me connect even more dots. #10 was particularly insightful for me. Thanks for doing the work you do!

[@Suzyslly]

Neither was safe. One was physically abusive, the other emotionally.

[@UnfortunateTruth-xt7jj]

The accuracy in the explanations of the psychological damage and long term effects is overwhelming.

[@sarihfahrner1765]

It is overwhelming! But I am feeling that my knowing now what we know is already healing the damage, The not knowing was adding to the suffering. I hope this means something to you because am just learning all of this so very recently and I am 78 years old. I am sending you great wishes for your wonderful future, and mine as well!

[@viennak.1847]

I noticed that the role of the safer parent is applicable for both parents, but in different situations. A little confusing. My mother tended to be more emotionally abusive. In that case my father was the safer parent. My father on the other hand was more physically intimidating. He could get quite angry. And in that case my mother was the safer parent. They both were either the perpetrator or the victim, but never the parent to which you can go for help.

[@HeavenDancer]

My overt narcissistic father was barely present in my life. I just realized a year ago that my "safer" enabling mother actually did far more damage than he did. She had moments where she could be a good mother to me and that's what I hung onto. I finally saw that my mother still considers me the scapegoat and my sister the perfect GC; roles my father instilled in the family. It's still hard to audibly say that my mother was and is abusive. She's a grand pretender but only to others; I am the only one who experiences the bad side of my mother. It's weird to think she was actually far more abusive than my absentee narcissistic father. My husband heard our final call before NC and realized that she and my sister are nothing but pretenders with shallow morality. He keeps wondering how I survived my family.

[@SirenaSpades]

I wish my overt abusive father had been barely present

[@ЛюдаЛ-ж6л]

"I am the only one who experiences the bad side of my mother" - I feel you.. and had similar experience. "pretenders with shallow morality" - spot in!

[@stridr5555]

My mother would always threaten to tell my father because he hit me way worse, but she could always convince him that I had done something wrong and I was always scared that I could get whacked for the smallest thing.

[@weirdwolf888]

I’d never pieced together that this dynamic has made me triggered about people not showing up for me as an adult. THANK YOU!

[@marias3786]

A MILLION times yes. The grief of the “safer parent” was catastrophic compared to the grief of the more apparently abusive one

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

Thank you for this video. I discovred this during my first year of therapy in my 60s, when I told my story aloud for the first ttme to a therapist. It was a real shock for me.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

Therapy helps make it more real.

[@cafeguitarist]

🌱🌿

[@triskit82]

yes and then I married an undiagnosed AuDHD partner, and I just continue to endure feeling alone, invisible and never having any emotional safety or empathy carrying the full weight of raising our children because he can't connect - just like my Dad. I have to change this for my children.

[@sarihfahrner1765]

I believe in you!!!

[@sophiasometimes9818]

I’m in a similar boat trying to come up with a plan.I hope you’re able to get out you deserve happiness and so do your children. I’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt.About a month ago I had a serious discussion about our issues and we watched Patrick’s video on getting our shit together.He seemed to take it in but as usual that lasted as long as the conversation did. I had an endocrinologist appointment I’ve been having issues for 2 years now and have a goiter:/ a close friend practically a mother figure went with me.He seemed super uncomfortable about it.We have a 2 yr old and for us all to go wouldn’t have made sense.If she didn’t go with me he would of just hung out with our kid in the car.I was grateful that she came with me because it’s a lot of information and I get flustered and it felt really good to have an advocate.He knows my history so I would think he would be happy for me but he moped and acted weird about it.The person that went with me wrote notes and mentioned that he might want to see them to know what’s going on and I thought he’s not going to ask.i told him but he didn’t ask. I messed u big time he told me who he was and I ignored it thinking that it was his circumstances that made him act like that the circumstances changed but he didn’t. The guy is married and we have a kid .im so ashamed they were separated but it’s been 3 years and he won’t get divorced it’s an inconvenience for him but i get to hear off comments from our friends about it at this point he can just stay married and move back in with her.

[@kyrabrianna]

Word for word, this is my mom, the “safer” parent, in a nutshell. It wasn’t until I began IFS therapy last year, that I was able to figure out that this was something I needed to heal from too and it was gutting. However, I’m glad it was brought to my awareness. Thank you for making this video.

[@Jessicad9304]

This was totally my mother! And it did take me longer to recognize her problems because they were more covert. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said “Aw poor guy” referring to my ex, and texted his family an apology for my decision to leave. No empathy for her own daughter.

[@katie5096]

Yeah, I’ve been coming to this realization only very very recently in the last couple years. Going back and forth thinking “surely not.” and then “oh. yeah. 😔” It’s really… oof… a lot. 😢

[@tdbhmusic]

Thanks Patrick! My dad passed away in August and was barely there for a long long time. I left his gravesite full of longing. And my relationship with my mom is even weirder now. She is loud. and sometimes unkind and oblivious. I'm an adult but am struggling with an eye injury, occasional depression and probably ASD, undiagnosed. Supporting myself can be so difficult but I refuse to go live in that family of origin because I remember so much pain in myself and ridiculous non-authenticity. I'm working on boundaries and empowering myself always. I'm 51 and reparenting myself with library books. Thanks for this video!!

[@chazdomingo475]

My mom raised me to be her surrogate spouse in the face of my fathers abuse of the family. I have always had extreme anxiety with women and I think it has something to do with that. I've never had a meaningful relationship. Although I can tell women are often attracted to me, I have no idea how to initiate a normal relationship. It makes me sad. I was 25 when I got my first girlfriend... and I had a panic attack the day afterward and I called my mom. I remember her voice sounded hurt when I told her I had a girlfriend. She sounded angry and disappointed. That's the moment that made me realize things were off with her, even though the signs were there before.

[@JG-s8r]

My breakthrough was recognizing this missing piece 🎉

[@vivtzka]

My mum is a covert narcissistic. It's so much more subtle

[@samanthaaaspeaks]

when I was growing up I knew my dad was the abuser. in my adult years I couldn't understand why I also couldn't connect with my mother. Through therapy I became confused why I felt resentment and anger towards my mom (obviously, she should have protected me... and she exhibited almost every one of these signs. Thanks for helping me to make sense of my childhood

[@deliabianco5259]

Thank you for putting it all into words. My Father was the narcissist. When ever I turned to Mom, for help and support...she just flipped things on me and told me. It was all my fault. That I should be just happy having a father. (Her's died, when she was very young.) He bet me into a coma one time, and was able to cover it up because, it was in the hospital that he worked as a Dr.

[@buck-moon]

Wow. All 10. I knew my dad was bad but Mom was supposed to be safe. My heart is broken for my inner child. I refuse to do to him what happened to me. I feel so alone.

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

You are not alone, you have the most important person for you ever! You have you! You can unl ash their burdens and break the chains of abuse!

[@buck-moon]

Thank you, I really needed to hear that. ❤

[@BiffJade]

I was the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family system with an angry critical controlling father and a passive-aggressive covert narcissist mother. I learned this piece of the puzzle from my first therapist. It was very important to my long-term recovery, but it took a good while for me to fully comprehend and integrate this awareness into my thinking and behavior.

[@agok1970nynjco]

I notice now that I'm older, and these learnings, that the safer parent in my family of origin was really fuelled by the reputation he enjoyed of being a sainted martyr. "How does he put up with his wife's volatility?" etc

[@deespresso7033]

More vids on this please. I've never heard about the negative effects of the safe-not-safe other parent anywhere else but it makes so much sense.

[@cygnelle1232]

I've always said, I don't begrudge my mother (the safer parent) for not leaving. I think court battles and custody would've been a whole new kind of nightmare. But I do begrudge that she joined my father in gaslighting me. It's not okay that I was essentially her therapist, but that, whenever I had similar things to vent about re. my father, that she pulled out all the gaslighting stops. And it wasn't only about things to do with my father. Any time I had an inconvenient feeling, she would instantly shut it down. So, she was allowed to have her feelings, but I was never allowed to have mine. At times, that did a bigger number on me than my father's behaviours. And I know for a fact that it's been the hardest part of my healing - getting back any sense of self-trust, because she really, realllllly wrecked any chances I had back then of developing a reliance on my own perceptions of reality.

[@GiftsAmimalsGiveUs]

I was the only sibling that disliked my "mother" more than my "father". I never understood sitting back and just letting a person beat you and your kids but at every turn you side with them. I would rather have had a parent who was honest in not loving me than one who acted like a victim but really was hiding behind the abuser. As a kid, I understood this with so much clarity. Understanding so much so young made me give up on most of my family at such a very young age and not trust humans.

[@SharonKBM]

Thank you, Patrick. I've just reached the point in therapy where I need to address how very unsafe I was as a child. You've explained my mother's behavior to a T. I put her on a pedestal and thought she was doing her best in a difficult situation. Sadly, that is not the case. Neither parent was safe and it's really been quite shocking to me. You explained this all so clearly that I finally understand a lot of what I have been feeling, but could not put into words. The whole thing feels very confusing in some ways and very clear in others. Thank you for all you do for us, Patrick. I really appreciate it.

[@selah7702]

I wish you would do a video and take this on to the next level where the covert parent is suddenly revealed upon the death of the overt parent… I’m 50 and still in shock about discovering this since I lost my elderly mom about 5 months ago…I never realized just how big of a role my dad played in my childhood stuff that I’m trying to recover from!! He has been extremely painful to deal with during this time even to the point of me longing for my overt mother’s emotional protection !!! How mixed up is that?? I’m also seeing just how ugly he was to her as well leaving me feeling super protective of her yet sad that I didn’t see it then and speak up 😢 thanks for this video Patrick

[@onazna7123]

10 out of 10. This explains the relationship with my mother as well as my relationship patterns with friends and partners so well. Thank you so much for all your work

[@eiwagarciabrito495]

Omg you’re describing my dad to a t…you have described my life, my childhood, the dinamic of my family una way. I’m in shock. I feel so devastated and validated at the same time 😭😭😭😭

[@nikstar1313]

This concept changed my whole perspective 4 years ago Patrick. When you said the words “made choices from a codependent place” she went from my hero to my villain like that 💥

[@Kshahrewa_r]

Wow. This was the only video I've ever seen that explains my dynamic with my mom. I would love more videos about this

[@stephanieb2484]

Same here

[@HeatherCampbell-s1w]

Another video that just so true and speaks to what is never said. The entire system was toxic and traumatic including extended family who just watched without intervening and ensuring safety for children. Taken a very long time to finally understand how harmful and incompetent the adults were.

[@ashmarz9270]

I can't express enough, way too relatable.

[@Yearofthetiger24026]

Same for me.

[@DoreenWeed]

I have also learned that I'm a magnet for other narcissists. The friend I thought was my friend is a narcissist. At least I figured it out.

[@Sillywilliy-z2s]

i just remember my dad use to stand up for us and tell Mum to stop hitting us, but after a while he just stopped. It's hard to see him as anything else other than a victim because he was horribly abused by my mum too but i think it hurt the most when my dad wouldn't do anything

[@BIGGEEshorty01285]

I watched a scenario like this from the outside.... The "safer" parent is an enabler. They are so in love with the abuser that they allow/overlook the abuser's harmful behavior towards the kids. The "safe" parent allows the kids to do whatever they want to, I guess, make up for the abusive parent. The "safe" parent blames everyone else and takes no responsibility for the abusive behavior of the other parent or their kids when they act out

[@Bubblebiba]

This video elicited so much pain and anger for me. Realizing and putting a name to all the things I went through feels empowering. Thank you, I will no longer be gaslighted by my "good" mother. My therapist didn't understand this and wanted to give my mum empathy, framing her as just another victim who was under my dad's control. But she knew exactly how toxic and abusive he was, but failed to protect me, even though she was financially independent and had all the support in the world. When I decided to cut my dad off from my life, there was no way I would've imagined being betrayed by my mum, because she was the one who kept complaining about my dad ever since I was little. However, she is now siding with him, bugging me to give him a "second chance", and letting him know where I am so he could come find me. "He's not that bad, he paid for your tuition." "You need to try harder with him." I am now the bad daughter who "abandoned" my parents, who claim to love me so much but doesn’t care about how I feel even the slightest. I love my new life without them : )

[@RainbowSunshineRain]

Big realizations from the first point: My mother didn’t care that I was afraid my father would rape me. But she did protect herself when he was abusive to her, so much that he changes behaviour.

[@sage_forensics_2261]

I was a "preacher's kid" (grew up in the 80s) of a malignant mother and covert father--that's how I describe it, although I know diagnosing is not usually recommended. It's a good shorthand though. In any case, you'd think my father would've had more power in a Christian home, especially as a pastor. Things were volatile from as far back as I can remember, and I couldn't tell you which one of them "started" their fights. I know I was the Scapegoat from very early on (and recipient of a lot of that volatility, too), and my younger sister was the Golden Child. Divorce was NOT an option because that meant my father could not find another job...churches don't like divorced preachers, especially back then. They did eventually divorce once my father was old enough to retire, but he'd say he just was finally ready. Maybe it was both. I don't know because I wasn't around when that decision was made. I'm Gen-X, so I went back and forth between estrangement and being in contact with my family for many years--the concept wasn't as widely discussed like it is now. I'm No Contact today. It's been about a year and a half with my father, and many years with my sister and mother. Coincidentally, my mother passed away two months after I went NC with my father. Her passing was a relief since I knew she could no longer hurt me; however, my father still had his Flying Monkeys in our extended family which I've basically had to cut off. Those who didn't stick around to try to get info to take back to him shunned me outright--even after saying they'd support me after my mother's passing. And yes, the whole family knows the abuse I endured since I was a kid; however, my father is a preacher with a smooth tongue. They choose to believe him. What I'm trying to get at is that healing from the whole "safer parent" idea gets a lot easier when it gets thrown in your face like it was mine. (Maybe "easier" isn't a fair way to say it; frankly, I should have gone NC long before I did! He made it so blatantly gross and obvious that he didn't care about what I wanted for my life. It was all about him!) I went NC when my father made it clear he basically wanted a Cinderella to move in with him and to give up their own life for him. No, thanks! There was much more that happened, but that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. He then has continued to smear, shun, and isolate me from everyone. I'm completely on my own. I'm 50 years old, so I'm not incapable...but it's been painful to heal from it all. I will likely be healing from this betrayal for the rest of my life. I don't say that to be dramatic but to be honest about how deep a wound like that is for a child even as an adult. I've made it through the worst of it (what I would call the "shock" to the system), so I just keep going. Each day seems to be a little better, and I allow for myself to feel it when the crappy emotions come because they pass quicker and they aren't as scary as you might expect them to be. You are simply human. NOT feeling them is where we get into trouble, you know? So, if you are only discovering that your parents were like this too...I'm sorry. It really sucks! You are not ALONE! Take your time. I'm still working on my stuff. Work on yours as long as you need. You'll figure it out--what questions you want to ask/answer and what things you want to deal with later after you have some of those answers. People describe grief or healing as mountains and valleys sometimes, but I like to think of it like a spiral staircase. In this way, you come back around to some issues occasionally but from a different perspective and with additional knowledge than the last time. Either way, allow things to come as they do and deal with them as you are able. Again, you are not ALONE. Please, remember that because it's really easy to feel that way. Peace, love, and strength to all...🙏💜⚔

[@HelloTraumaBrain]

These videos are so helpful because they provide actual examples of the concepts. It feels so validating to get words for experiences that went on nameless for years. Thank you for putting this together Patrick!

[@baerbelleksa]

2:16 this is so on point. I recently realized that my mom, whom I previously thought was "just" the enabling parent to my malignant narc dad, had some narcissism of her own. She didn't check enough boxes on the "covert narcissist" list for it to appear to be that, but she a certainly has a "narcissistic wound" that keeps her from doing the right thing. She was willing to sacrifice her relationship with me to maintain that .

[@nenasadie]

I recently started EMDR and have realised how deeply my father was involved in the abuse.

[@peacerun]

It’s because of your videos and insights that I’m learning to break away.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

I'm glad they are helpful!

[@peacerun]

@ truly life changing. A miracle. “You are not in trouble” was the one that started me on the road to freedom.

[@AtomicSonicHalos]

I remember when your "prayer" for us, at the end of your videos, was the kindest thing for me that I'd heard from a human in DECADES! Still makes me cry when I hear you say it, even as I now have a much better life! THANK YOU sooooo very much for your kindness & help!!! ❤🙏🌺

[@shannankilpatrick2879]

So eye-opening! I've never really looked at the dysfunction around the safer parent - I've been too busy protecting them 😔. Ty so much 🙏🏼