When Parents *GUILT-TRIP* (Ask A Shrink)

Intentionally ‘GUILT-TRIPPING’ a child is a form of EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION and can scar a child for a lifetime. This is nothing more than a control-tactic and stems from deep-insecurity/dysfunction within the parent(s). Find out more about this form of emotional trauma in today’s video - I’m a Licensed Therapist and answer your questions on ‘Ask A Shrink’.

[@Boyhead1973]

If I don't call my mother for 1 day, she will then call and guilt me for not calling her. She'll say "so, whats going on?!?! I Didn't hear from you for 1, 2 days...". Instead of her just calling me - checking in on me. She never asks if I'm ok! It's always "You didn't call me!". And her tone is always hostile. Her guilt-tripping has spanned 5 decades and counting. If I push back in a way that is not lead with compassion, she'll then say "oh, I'm the worst mother in the whole wide world"... smh

[@prostratic]

My mother would never take no for an answer. She would always start out by asking nicely for something she wanted or expected from me. If I refused all hell broke loose: screaming, crying and guilt trips that would make me crack and give in, because as a child trapped alone with an abusive mother, what else could I do? I had no one to turn to and no where else to go. I still get voicemails from her using the same tactics and I'm 46. So for me, no contact has been the only way for me to be free and live my life. The healing continues. Thanks again, Brad !

[@heatherbrady6679]

I'm so sorry. I'm 48 and had a good childhood. It's when I became an adult. I can relate to the crying and also being hung up on bc I said no to something. Sister was drug addict and is now dead but mother wanted me to drive her to work and sit the mall for four hours. Long drive. I said yes the first time and no the second bc my sister addiction was the reason she didn't have a car.

[@yasiasorbo9201]

Honestly I never “want” to talk to my mom. I do it as obligation. She always guilt trips me

[@kino7539]

Why even do it then? Your feeling matter and if you feel bad at even the thought of it then why continue to put yourself through the torture, I just wanted to say that you matter and your feelings are the most important part here.

[@lastredcentfarm3375]

I’m actually in that same boat. I don’t want to call my mom but I felt so obligated to I just do it once a week to please her. I try to enjoy our conversations but I never know if I’m going to get the kind understanding mom or the passive aggressive mom. Now my sister has been calling her everyday “she says” and she makes sure to let me know pretty much every time I call her. The last time I called her she told me she thought it was a butt dial bc I never call her. 😑. I want to set boundaries and actually stand firm. I’ve been so conditioned to just take the negative comments and act like it’s okay she is saying these hurtful things.

[@starflower666]

out of the fog - fear, obligation and guilt

[@song8777]

Yes.

[@BradShore]

Love it!🔆

[@doggoneit8341]

I’m in my 40’s and I still feel like any time something doesn’t go right it is somehow my fault… it could be something completely out of my control but I automatically start feeling like it’s my responsibility to fix… I have trouble with others being unhappy about anything. I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone is happy and I even find myself trying to make sure everybody is okay with each other and no one is mad. I think it’s because as a child I was always made to feel guilty all the time and I had to play the referee between family members. I made excuses for them to each other all the time so fights could be avoided… So exhausting.

[@monmonmo9]

My mum always guilt tripped me for not being around her, I live abroad and she uses every opportunity to rebuke me of how I have not been responsible enough of taking care of her needs, I feel obliged to listen but I try my best to draw a line and say this is life and I have mine and she needs to deal with hers and I know like many of us here it is ain't easy, stay strong for those who are on this journey !

[@jamesbakermft]

It's unfortunate how these early toxic messages from parents take root into adulthood. Great video. This is a helpful and much needed message for those whose parents used guilt to manipulate, and for parents who don't realize how they are impacting their children!

[@BradShore]

Thank you James!

[@Therealissa98]

My parents definitely guilt trip me over the years. I am setting my own boundaries

[@BradShore]

YES to setting your own boundaries 👏

[@tails99]

After long years of guilt tripping parents aren't reliable anymore to respect boundaries. No contact is best

[@BradShore]

Yes sometimes going no-contact is the best choice…

[@katiedid9601]

I am trying no contact…. Yet again. Mom is 87. Fortunately in a great independent living facility which she complains about constantly. But constant guilt tripping. I honestly couldn’t take it anymore. Is that horrible, considering her age? She is not in bad health. Just old and ornery!

[@tails99]

@@katiedid9601 the guilt tripping is what makes it to feel horrible. But what you do is sensible

[@mishanicholas3012]

My dad literally said theres no such thing as bounadaries so i knew after that, I need go go no contact.

[@mariasad6007]

I sent this to my mom. Wish me luck. I refuse to give up that easily.

[@BradShore]

You’re finding your power Maria - keep up the good work!👍

[@slikethefra]

What happend after?

[@alexandergonzie1200]

Other than emotional and physical mistreatment, my mother would constantly guilt trip me into many things, including (financially) supporting my younger brother if something were to happen to her, regardless if he was already a grown adult. Sadly, she never taught him how to be responsible, and he's now an alcoholic and possibly a drug addict living on and off in the streets.

[@ruready705]

I stood up for myself and I lost my family they scapegoated me and said that I was the problem

[@happiness6746]

im about to enter that lane and i dont regret it one bit....ive learnt the language of snakes...im pretty sure u tried to be understanding in the situation but trust me its not worth losing yourself ...i promise you will be fine

[@airo8082]

I’m 40. My older brother wants to have his own life so he moved overseas. My mum doesn’t want to trouble him so she chose to live with me without my agreement. I don’t get to go out with friends, let alone dating without dramas from her. Gaslighting and guilt tripping occur daily and my opinions never matters. If I disagree on sth, she and my brother will stop talking to me. I no longer have a reason to be in the world, really.

[@BradShore]

Your reason 'to be in the world' is to move out on your own and start your own life -- you mentioned she "chose to live with me", so now *you'll* be choosing to live WITHOUT her. This is your choice -- not hers. I wish you well on your journey!

[@jammyjay917]

Absolutely had the guilt trip, only now in middle age, I'm feeling so much better and living my life... its been tough though along the way... its made me realise that i dont ever want to do that with my own children..

[@karlbroderickmusic]

this might help. I wud say this to help my sister survive my parents. I used to say, It's not about what they're saying or behaving, it's about how it upsets you. Now if those people were not your parents, wud u look in on them as knowledgeable, reliable people whose opinion is important? Years later she said it helped her so much; I was shocked as I'd made it up to help her, and I never took my own advice. 😮😊

[@alaysasanchez]

Realizing this recently. My parents think we move as a unit because we are a family, no independence, no individual identity so growing up, having friends, going out with other people, work, they always had something to say because it took me away from them. They seem to feel bad when I'm having fun and they're not involved. My way was to always lie about things in order for me to cover it up - they are heavily dependent on me as I live with them. I'm not sure if there is any other way besides going no-contact.

[@loganroodt818]

Gosh, you words speak volumes to me!!! I also feel guilty for having fun with my friends. I will also lie to my mom and say I am just having a relaxing weekend at home meanwhile I am on a trip with friends far from home. I can never say no to them cause it would be a world war if I did. My mom says we going away next weekend for example best believe I have to be there. We don't do something she wants she sulks while we away. My sister literally wanted to go eat at another place and my mom lost it because it wasn't where she wanted to go and the whole weekend was miserable. Told me my legs are skinny (I'm a 28 year old male and I have always had a complex about how skinny I am) then wonders why I won't take my shirt off Infront of her to go into the ocean. So when we go to the sea it's also just miserable as I won't swim in the sea so I don't have to hear the comments about how skinny I am. She won't drive herself anywhere says the traffic and roads are too dangerous when she was younger there weren't as many cars on the road (bear in mind she is perfectly healthy and has a beautiful new model car). Makes me feel guilty for wanting to move overseas for a better life. Haha I am so sorry just realized I literally just vented to some stranger on KZbin - haha. Hope things are going better your side :D

[@karlbroderickmusic]

I feel guilty when anything good is happening to me. My mom wud be so jealous of anyone having a good time. As a kid we were told to work hard and given the message that youre not meant to be happy; if youd time for silliness u were obviously neglecting other more important things. So, I'm successful now (we were told we had the wrong personality to get on in life, so I dug deep and tried to be more extrovert my whole life, exhausting.) But now i still feel totally guilty for anything nice that happens me. .even the fact I don't have to work so hard...guilt, guilt, guilt was drilled into us.

[@lastredcentfarm3375]

I actually feel that same way too sometimes. If I’m enjoying myself especially on Holidays and my mom isn’t apart of it I get this mindset like I shouldn’t be happy. she lives 3 hrs away from me and she won’t plan anything or hangout with anyone. She will stay home and complain to me how she didn’t do anything or no one comes over. I feel like this terrible daughter that left her mom alone on a holiday. If I call or text her on a Holiday that I won’t be seeing her it’s a pity party and negative comments the whole time or she will ignore me. My husband has to remind me it’s not my responsibility to make sure my mom is happy.

[@rayofsunshine427]

My mum guilt trips me when i am not doing what she wants. She says: " Im in pain because i did the gardening today" (I had no idea she wanted to do the gardening.) Then I say: "Stop with the guilt tripping." She then says "Someone has to do the gardening!"

[@katalinpuscas9722]

Thank you so much! Please continue teaching us! I need these info!! My father is a narcissist and cut him off after 38 years. My in laws are narc as well. The guilt and shame they put on me and my husband is unreal . As a mom I recognized after many years of in laws abuse that they are wrong. After many years I decided to go no contact with in laws. They still try to manipulate my husband .. as a mom myself, I don’t understand how can anybody abuse their own child to do something they don’t want. Definitely it’s not coming out of love, but out of selfishness. The in laws did a lot of damage and made us feel guilty . I’m done with them, they can go and complain to god:) Thank you for these videos to see more clear what’s going on with abusive parents.

[@televisioneyes]

My father is guilt tripping me and saying that I dont want to see my family when I declined going to a cousin's wedding whom I've seen maybe twice in my life and is half my age. The wedding is states away by plane. He even tries to coerce me with saying he'll purchase everything. I put my foot down and I told him that the wedding is about the couple not about him and his reunion with his long-lost family and his needs for having his own adult kids there. We're not going and it feels so good to say NO..I am 46. I have my own life... and I'm not taking 4 days of PTO to go to a long lost cousin's wedding just to satisfy his emotional needs

[@zline-sp2fs]

I feel your exact pain. I'm 40 and my father will guilt trip me about everything. He's done this all his life. Lately he's been guilt tripping me about selling my house. Long story short, it's the best decision financially even with proof, but he'll do his best to manipulate the entire situation

[@mimi42428]

this is my husband's parents. unfortunately he thinks this ks normal. and it id destroying our marriage

[@aweofme]

I’m almost 40 and finally am starting to see how toxic both of my parents are…my mother has secrets that she would tell us not to tell my father….then my parents are basically in a loveless relationship in which they can’t stand each other….when I directly told my mother that she hates my dad she got super upset and defensive saying how could I ever say that…..she also uses me as her mini husband…she never wants to have anything to do with my father and this has been going on since I was a teen. I recently discovered that she has several properties and houses and she doesn’t want my father to even know about that….I flat out told her she is a toxic person and I don’t blame people for my “social” issues but now I see that everything has to do with her emotional incest and that she needs therapy and needs to stop relying on religion because it’s ruined relationship which you should have gotten out of years ago….I also said that I am a product of your marriage not a consequence and that I have no issues anymore not talking to you until you realize that

[@McStorch0]

Mean to animals? Wtf. That’s a sociopath.

[@maggiesalle2256]

Extreme cold made going on a 2-hour trip to my parents' home unwise. They were not happy. They asked if they could mail the gift (money). I accepted. I thought it would be less than last year, since I declined. It was more!! Yea!!!

[@heatherbrady6679]

When I do something positive for my mom she'll make a comment about how she's surprised I did this because it's not like me. I've spent so much time in therapy but I'm still an emotional hot mess when it comes to her. I'm in a tail spin right now.

[@sirpopsticks619]

I recon you need to explain to them that they need to deal with their issues too and explain why they are acting the way they are. This would make them respect you more depending on how you go about it.

[@mikebirnie8900]

Brilliant...thanks Brad

[@charlieosko4151]

After trying unsuccessfully to explain this to one of my parents, I just sent this video to them. I hope they are receptive!

[@amosmiles3609]

This describes perfectly what both parents did with my 9 siblings and myself,Thank You for a Clear description!🙏

[@Jess-nb4hb]

Thank God for this man. It’s all starting to make sense now on how my life has become what it is in this present point of time.

[@James-ln2dd]

Brad, thanks.

[@allyncarter7364]

Great video therapy session 👌

[@ivysophia350]

My beloved mother who I adore makes me feel so guilty when I choose to spend holidays with my child and my partner’s family and not her. She is single with no other children and has nowhere else to go on holidays She claims that I am selfish and don’t think about her feelings. Am I in the wrong? I do want to spend holidays with her but not every single one!

[@BradShore]

Your mother needs to work on 'getting a life' -- you're not being selfish and keep up the good work in tolerating 'inappropriate guilt' heaped on you by your mother.

[@elenifotopoulou4127]

You are not selfish, you are married with a child and a spouse. As painful as it is when our children are Adults and are especially married can't always spend with them. It is all how you train your mind and understanding your adult child has a spouse as well with set of parents and usually families in order to get along need to compromise and understand that our kids spread their wings and they need to be happy and be happy even if they are not around us. Typically parents that control, guilt or don't understand it coming from a place of control and fear of abandonment. If you work on your self your mind shifts.

[@Self-improvementGuru]

Yes. True.

[@infplang8111]

very good video

[@happiness6746]

she just lashed out on me for cleaning right now...why is it i am always the problem..i clean the house prepare the kid for school,i am in school, never have i been pregnant...i dont curse ...yet im still the problem...everyday there is an argument over silly things...i dont want to say everything on the internet but this is a cry for help...im trying to get a job so i can escape...

[@anubiswerelupe]

My Mom is a master guilt tripper. Though, it isn't so much a way to get me to do things the way she wants them. I get guilt-tripped for any action I take. Be it if I do something or if I don't do something. Am I upset for being backed into a guilt corner? Guilt-tripped for being upset. Mom "I never say the right thing for you. I should never say anything at all. You hate me!" In the end I have no idea what to do, and on top of that, feel even worse about it. There is no way out and no way to win.

[@carries9632]

So helpful :)

[@DSS712]

I noticed that you started this video by specifically defining guilt tripping as something that is done intentionally, and I do think that definition is problematic. Guilt tripping can often be a very unconscious thing that is done simply due to insecurity and low emotional intelligence. Unintentional guilt tripping can be even more heartbreaking in a way.

[@blinkth3dog]

i agree; they mean well but dont realize the effect or reason. you feel even worse about your anger and resentment.

[@avertingapathy3052]

agreed. It's hard to point that out because the guilt comes back to you. I guess their response is key here. If they are combative or not.

[@sugarandspice2136]

I guess you’ve met my mom! Smh.

[@JC-ce8uw]

How to deal with harassment. My parents will call me multiple times. If I don't answer they will leave me guilt trip text messages even if I am at work. Ive now started to ignore there calls. As I have told them beforehand I'm at work etc. However when I get home the guilt trip continues of why didn't you answer your phone, you have a phone for a reason. Or the classic what if it was a emergency. Your a girl not a boy we care about you and are worried. I don't know how to answer as everything I communicate is used against me and I'm just called selfish and given a silent treatment or tantrum.

[@Hannah-eq5ff]

Or being guilty for no reason after being around them or even if they r in the other room you feel guilty for speaking the truth about a topic.

[@BradShore]

Two good examples Hannah thank you…

[@Hannah-eq5ff]

@@BradShore You're welcome thank you!✨ I don't know why I feel guilty. I'm not saying or doing anything wrong.

[@Joy-MDors]

I’m wondering still if after I move out because I hadn’t had enough money saved up to move out I should go no contact today or yesterday was the last day that I wanted to visit with my family because they don’t want to understand me I know they don’t respect me and it shows

[@eprohoda]

Brad~hiya!! interesting ~do you want a promo?!have a good day-🤟

[@occupyislam1657]

Commenting to help 💗

[@jamesmccusker2260]

Thanks for the content! it has been a rough couple of months but you have helped a lot

[@BradShore]

Glad it helps and hope the next few months are much better :)