Why Couples Therapy makes Avoidant Men Worse

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
If you think couples therapy is the answer, think again. For most avoidant men, couples therapy can make things worse. In fact, it might be one of the worst moves for your relationship if you haven't addressed underlying issues first. As a former marriage and family therapist, I'm about to reveal why avoidant men often struggle in couples therapy and how it can pose a significant threat to your relationship.
Welcome to my miniseries aimed at debunking myths about changing an avoidant man, especially tied to the launch of my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course. If you're facing challenges with an avoidant partner, this video is for you. I'll share a better approach to fixing your relationship based on my clinical experience.
In this video, I'll discuss the common misconceptions about couples therapy and why it often fails to help avoidant men connect better with their partners. Many women turn to couples therapy believing it's the solution to disconnection or misunderstandings. It's ingrained in us to see therapy as a fix-all, but the reality is more nuanced.
When dealing with an avoidant man, emotional distance, loss of intimacy, difficulty expressing feelings, and unresolved conflicts are common challenges. These issues often lead couples to seek professional help, but couples therapy can backfire for avoidant men due to several specific reasons.
Avoidant men may feel forced into therapy, perceive bias against them, and struggle with the heavy emphasis on emotions in therapy settings. They fear being blamed and feel overwhelmed by the process, which can deepen their avoidance behaviors.
My "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course offers a structured pathway to navigate these challenges. It begins with exploring the brain chemistry behind avoidant behaviors and progresses to fostering mutual understanding and fulfilling each other's needs.
If you're committed to healing your relationship without the risks associated with couples therapy, consider investing in this course. Let's prioritize learning and growth to create a lasting bond based on understanding and respect.
Click this link: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love... to access the "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course and take the first step towards transforming your relationship. Share your thoughts and experiences with couples therapy in the comments below. Let's start a conversation about what truly works for building lasting connections.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • How Avoidant Men Commu...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Why Couples Therapy is not Effective for Avoidant Men
00:02:12 - Challenges in a Relationship with an Avoidant Man
00:04:30 - Problems in Relationships with Avoidant Men
00:07:03 - Miscommunication in Therapy
00:09:26 - Fear of Being the Bad Guy
00:11:51 - Challenges in Couples Therapy with Avoidant Men
00:14:29 - The Risks with Couples Therapy
00:17:16 - The Challenges of Couples Therapy with Avoidant Men
00:19:42 - Nurturing Your Partner's Heart
00:22:13 - Learning to Make Proper Use of Time as a Couple

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@poorgirlskitchen6016]

Our therapist revealed she was on her third marriage. I wanted a refund

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sorry to hear that! It's important to find a therapist whose approach aligns with your needs and values.

[@KaylaNoelle1]

My couples therapist made excuses for my ex’s abuse and now I am financially destroyed. It’s having negative impacts on my current relationship too, makes me a risk. Of course I went from abusive narcissist to fearful avoidant, my boyfriend is a good man, but the avoidance is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. I just want to be happy. I fought so hard to be calm and understanding and now he’s become so low-effort and I feel even worse. I just can’t hit a balance. You are right, the intimacy which was perfect is dying, I deeply fear how I feel the day after when I’ve just been so vulnerable and he’s pulling away again. It feels like dying.

[@CorbinB-Rax]

​@AttachmentAdam so what if the avoidant is female?

[@anahatashannon]

@@CorbinB-Rax fem avoidance has same would, but diff patterning

[@katieandnick4113]

The key to dramatically improving your relationship with an avoidant man is unconditional acceptance and compassion. I was able to develop this for my husband once I started doing research into childhood trauma, and fully grasping, to the best of a my ability as someone who had a relatively great childhood, what that must have been like for him. As long as your partner is “just” avoidant, and not also antagonistic, I think this is a fairly easy thing to do. You will also need to have unconditional acceptance and compassion for yourself, which is very difficult for just about everyone. Once my husband was shown that I accept him unconditionally, and that he could trust me, and that I wasn’t going to hold anything he’s done or has said against him, he could finally relax, for the first time in his life.

[@gregvanpaassen]

Wow, that's amazing! You are a wonderful person, and your husband is very lucky. - Avoidant man. PS. My own (second) wife also accepts me and I can tell her anything--now, after eight years of learning to trust. It's so reassuring to know someone has your back.

[@kaitlin8669]

How long have you been doing this?

[@IxianMace]

If you can really do this for your husband, then thank you. As someone whose childhood was 'not good', I can't imagine anyone going to the care and effort of trying to understand, accept, and be compassionate toward the things I have to deal with like you are. It's heartening to know that there are people out there who can and do care. I'm happy for your husband.

[@user-sw3bz5xj2g]

when you can not let go bc you love him so much it feels like part of you is gone forever feel so hopless i love you ♍️🅱️🅾️💎i will forever

[@user-sw3bz5xj2g]

i would do anything to save my marriage

[@smbritton1]

DA guy here. I recognized my marriage (to whom I now understand is an AP) was in trouble. I initiated couples therapy (I diverged from typical DAs in seeking help). It is imperative to get a commitment to the therapy from both parties. A DA or AP dragged into therapy is a guaranteed fail. I did not understand this at the time. In therapy ( and more than one therapist), I now understand I got pegged as the Identified Patient. I believe my DA ness contributed to this. All this was well before I heard about attachment styles. I believe the therapists must have seen DA/AP issues in about 5 minutes of talking to us and tried to work around that. I pushed back against the IP designation, but that wasted a lot of energy. We did make some progress with the couples therapy on and off over 20 years. I discovered attachment theory from a School Of Life video 4 years ago. We both now appreciate attachment styles, and that knowledge has helped us accommodate each other. We are continuing to grow.

[@RachelC.19]

Marriage therapy, 20 sessions 2 different therapists just about brought us to divorce. And there were no moral failures, no abuse, plenty of love, I don’t know why we even went. My husband initiated because he’s an anxious, and I’m an avoidant. Things are better now that we say it is OUR marriage, and it is uniquely US❤

[@marik8624]

Me and my ex went to a couples therapy ONCE and it broke us up. Worst experience ever, never again

[@AttachmentAdam]

So sorry to hear that! Therapy can be a difficult journey, and finding the right fit is key.

[@SpeCialeDDoC454]

That's sad that it had to happen. Take solace that it was able to happen so quickly. "What is going to happen eventually, should happen immediately. " I'm a slower learner. I debated counselors with my now ex for twenty years, and now with my childrens' counselors, to see the patterns: 1) accountability sticks to females in a counselors office like Teflon. It just isn't a thing. 2) their industry textbook hasn't budged in at least twenty years. And they all read from the dsme book, like any bank loans you money from the same FED. I've made my peace with it, and am moving on. Cheers.

[@heatherguess518]

Unfortunately, the therapy and counseling industry is not a place I trust at all. I'm an emotional healing coach and I often don't recommend counseling because it causes more harm due to huge lack of true understanding of what the issues are and solutions. I love how you express and break things down. I love listening to what you have to say. It's pure joy of learning.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Thank you Adam … too bad we didn’t learn about your attachment theory first!!! Never too late to learn for self… ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're welcome! Absolutely, it's never too late to delve into attachment theory and learn more about ourselves. ❤

[@laurie7746]

... another fabulous vid... the first 10 mins or so summarising characteristics of avoidant men is, imvvho, the best you've yet presented! .... and they are usually all gold anyway! Thank-you for what you provide and how you present it!

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

Each person should have their own therapist.

[@kpannes1]

You hit the nail on the head!!! This is hard.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely! It's no easy feat, but acknowledging the challenge is a significant step forward.

[@MelissaP8181]

Great info. Your videos have helped me so much

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so happy to hear that! Are you seeing results in your relationship with yourself and others yet?

[@Emma-wv8bm]

I hope not in my case😅. But I have the couples who come to see me watch your videos Adam. ESPECIALLY for the avoidant partner who is dreading the experience and feeling demonized. The points you make about countertransference and bias are spot on.

[@Cmartgeek]

OMG I’m crying right more cause this is soooooo me and my husband!

[@AttachmentAdam]

You can take control and transform your relationship into one that is secure, healthy, and fulfilling. Feel free to message me at [e-mail] or DM me on Instagram @attachmentadam and I'll be in touch.

[@sifublack192]

Very good breakdown.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your feedback! Glad you found the breakdown helpful.

[@iammoxxi]

Very very true. Everything you said about why Avoidants avoid therapy is exactly what mine said to the letter. Fascinating. .... Also I just learned about Vacillator - Avoidant relationships (from the book How We Love) Can you talk about that dynamic as well?

[@hausafilmstv]

So relatable. Wished I came across this and took a better route before we divorced😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you find it relatable. I'm here to support you in taking positive steps forward, whether it's in your current relationship or future endeavors.

[@vykryl65]

My wife and I tried couples counseling. That didn't end well, the concealers wouldn't back her or let her turn it into a 3 on 1 counseling session. My wife had been given a counselor's contact information by an elderly lady in our congregation. I trusted the person on my grandma's word. The counselor had been involved in jail ministry with my grandma and one of her friends. So the counselor came recommended by 3 respected elders in my life. Sessions were ran by the counselor and her husband. I feel they were good people that didn't try to shuffle all responsibilities on to either one of us as an individual.

[@stephanie579]

What do suggest when the avoidant man just got caught in a 2 yr affair 😡😡😡😡 I am ready to run from this man after 35 yrs 😳😳😳

[@gregvanpaassen]

Awesome video, Adam!. I didn't like the first few videos of yours that I watched. I thought you were a know-all. But now I'm hearing what you have to say, and it is all true - DA man.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for that and welcome aboard! Which type of content was the most helpful?

[@gregvanpaassen]

@@AttachmentAdam I think the section about how and why standard talk therapy does not work for avoidants, or for men in general. How "feelings language" is like classical greek for men, and the blaming rather than focusing on solutions.

[@ruthr8990]

Can you talk about how a da can change themselves? What responsibilities do they have ?

[@MzUpliftingTea]

That part!! This was so fkn sad to hear that men who have VERY bad character traits have to be coddled into healing...smfh

[@marcus716]

Hey adam can you make a dating guide for avoidant (men)? So i can have a better dating life as an avoidant. I just feel like people are not worth it so i pull away and end up single :D

[@kaitlin8669]

Have an old church lady set you up with another girl.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Feel free to message me at [e-mail] or DM me on Instagram @attachmentadam and I'll be in touch with resources and the guidance you need. -Happy to help!

[@eileendom5858]

How can avoidant man know he wants love when it’s a language he doesn’t speak? Btw my avoidant ex wanted to go to couples therapy because I said, we need to learn to communicate to where we understand each other. I was willing to learn how I can communicate better (not knowing anything about attachment at the time), but we only went once. He decided he didn’t like who he was becoming and didn’t want to change who he was. I respected the decision and walked away.

[@inyoureyes25]

Couples therapy was the worst. 2 sessions and we were done.

[@Reverbial]

Expressing feelings gets used against you in fights and arguments in the future. It's safer to just always be "ok" all the time. The attempts at reconnection comes across as attacks sending the avoidant into shame.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yes couldn't figure out why I was feeling so much pain. Thinking a relationship "doctor" was the solution but it pretty much made it so much worse. But I broke up with that therapist! Lol

[@jessiesheldon-huffey1824]

I have a secure attachment style, albeit a little on the anxious side while my husband has an avoidant style, although i think he has become more secure over time. We tried couples therapy once with a male counselor. It was a disaster. My husband agreed to things i dont think he actually believed and ended up making commitments he would never keep, making our problems even worse. So, we never actually resolved anything. Now, we are on the brink of divorce and part of me doesnt even want to try to fix things as i am 95% sure he will continue to break his commitments. Unfortunately, we have a dynamic where he will say anything to avoid conflict and then decides he doesnt actually need to keep his agreements because he didnt mean them in the first place. I think our marriage is doomed.

[@gregvanpaassen]

Yes, we dismissive avoidants are also conflict avoidant. We also avoid our own emotions so we don't actually know what we want, or can commit to, or can tolerate, until it's too late. Usually many days later. If you want to save your marriage I can only suggest listening to Adam, learning to speak avoidant language, the language of fact and percentage and science, and not expecting him to "meet you in the middle" until he has learned about himself. As Adam says, avoidants do like to learn, so there is hope.

[@nohillforahighstepper]

100% accurate.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you found the content accurate! 🙌

[@nohillforahighstepper]

​@@AttachmentAdam Exactly what are you implying here?

[@marcelabrasileiro7309]

Adam, could you make it clear in future videos that both avoidant and anxious attachment styles are abnormal and, therefore, people with these "conditions" should take responsibility for how they react to their partners and for their need to work to become more secure on their own? Sometimes I feel that this community wants to justify and validate behaviors as if they were immutable, placing the burden of having to deal with the other person's immaturity on the partner's lap (generally someone who is secure and mature) so that they don't get hurt or run away. Meanwhile, the ones who get hurt are the ones who were trying to make things work: by watching your videos, learning about attachment styles, accepting the other, etc. This educational process cannot be a one-way street; reciprocity and accountability are needed on the part of avoidants/anxious people as well.

[@king-nick2023]

How would you differ someone who is avoidance of intimacy and someone who is just dose not have the same need for intimacy as their partner?

[@brendalee798]

For someone who claimed she was always broke certainly had enough to invest in cameras and security devices to use only inside her home.

[@Kyticka1991]

Where is the subscription link? I can't see it

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, you'll find it by clicking on my channel then on my linktree. Here to help if you need extra support.

[@swasandswam]

Hey Adam, do you think an avoidant realizing a woman has other options or is pursued by others will lead to more pursuing on their end? Or will that push them away?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question. Feel free to contact me through [e-mail] so we can discuss this in further detail and in private.

[@iammoxxi]

We all want to know the answers to this 😅 ​@@AttachmentAdam

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

You are missing a very important disclaimer about abuse dynamics often missed by couples’ therapist. Some avoidants are abusive emotionally and psychologically. This is not a couples’ issue, but an abuser’s own issue. There needs to be a distinction, as couples’ therapy can be weaponized by an abusive avoidant.

[@jdb6026]

I'm about to study psychology in university and damn, do I feel like I've already lost. It's female dominated field and is extremely political. I don't think my voice as a man would ever matter in the Realm of psychology. Ever.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your perspective as a man is valuable and can contribute to the richness and diversity of psychology. Every voice matters, and bringing different viewpoints can lead to more comprehensive understanding and innovative solutions. How do you plan to navigate these challenges and ensure your voice is heard?

[@jdb6026]

@@AttachmentAdam I'm not sure, but I do plan to use my LGBT card as a way to wedge myself through the cracks. Being gay is a strong ace. I'll just have to be smart about including the male perspective in. I also think I would make sure to be inclusive of all male perspectives and challenge myself to reframe them in ways women can understand. I'm pretty good at reframing. If all else fails, I could shift my paradigm and just clench my fists until I get my diploma.

[@JohannahArrington1908]

Adam, could I benefit from joining the community without my husbands participation? I want to heal him on the LOW. Is this possible. I was secure, now I just mirror him. I speak less, and ACT more.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I would say anyone can benefit from joining the mentorship program and we have some wonderful people inside working together on their attachment. Its a great community and our weekly calls are very impactful. I think you should consider joining us when you are ready.

[@hezzahoshi]

EFT therapy - Are you referring to it as ineffective in this case? Seems you alluded to it: "emotionally focused"

[@AttachmentAdam]

In this case, I’m discussing emotion focused couples therapy specifically. And really in the context of avoidant men. I’m not saying it’salways ineffective, but using that as the beginning place can drive many avoidant men right out of the therapy office so they never come back. But later, after they are more acclimated to understanding emotions and the value of feelings, emotion focused couples therapy can then be highly effective. That’s been my experience. It’s just order of operations that needs to be done first.

[@hezzahoshi]

@AttachmentAdam Makes sense. Hv speculated this (in the mental health field), but unsure what they DO NEED 1st sort of thing... bc then ultimately getting there is very "secure". A bit tricky/patience needed for sure.

[@romy3582]

👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽

[@AttachmentAdam]

🙌🙌

[@Efalonda]

Sounds like parenting a difficult mentally challenged child. If anyone needs this it is a sign their partner needs something entirely different than a relationship in the adult world.

[@LorenaBerrenbaum]

Agree 👍

[@bobbylacy2374]

This guy is a con artist "life coach" making buck off of women who really want to make their relationship work, all the while telling these immature "avoidant" men they are so successful risk takers who don't have to grow TF up. 🙄

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes it sound that way?

[@laurie7746]

How very sad you find it such... it is an incredible perspective on how we try to manage people as if they are all the same. Learning how differences require certain changes in approach is a skill for adults to acquire. Your way , imposed on everyone, is not necessarily the only valid way, and it can, actually be destructive .. imho, of course.

[@bobbylacy2374]

@AttachmentAdam I've been through Hell and back in my life but I healed, got through it and woke up every day happy, looking forward to life. It was hard work to heal but I did the work. You are saying the women in these relationships have to change how they deal with the immature, avoidance of their mates with issues that come up in every relationship. After almost 25 years, I've had enough. I worked hard to heal myself and he's chipped away at my self-worth and self-confidence, little bits at time, and avoids or deflects or shuts down when I tell him he hurt me. My husband has had a pretty entitled life, advanced college degree, successful career; the type of man you extoll as an example of a successful risk taker. There is more in life to describe success than money. The only thing was he had an affair in his first marriage and destroyed it. His wife was so self-absorbed, it went on for a year and she didn't know. He told her and now, tells me, "She deserved it!" WTF? If your marriage isn't working, change it or leave, don't cheat and blame it on her. Now, I realize that everything she did you him after the "reveal", he's done to me. Funny thing...he told me the thing that what attracted him most to me was my joy and zest for life. I was always happy. He's taken that but I'll get it back, even with fighting terminal cancer for 12+ years. I'd rather be alone than deal with his "dismissive avoidance". You making money off telling women "If you just change the way you deal with him, he will heal himself." Big b.s. on that! Why should he when he's so successful at acting like a spoiled brat? BTW - My husband likes your videos. He subscribed and I see them. Why wouldn't he? They reaffirm everything he is. Where's the healing when they know what they are doing but keep doing it?

[@user-wr3gy7el2h]

You need better marketing team Look 4/ give or take 5 generations of both parents working from the 80ies on to 2024 parents been working and kids were left by themselves GROWING IN TO DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT there is 5 generation with this and from 2020 all kids live inside iPhones and IPads you should have millions of views and you should open a school in every state to train therapists how to help avoidant people !!!!!!!

[@jonrazo7912]

Shouldn't have shaved the beard!

[@fionakarbel258]

he said he didn’t mean to, it was an accident

[@ruthr8990]

Das are NOT capable of being a love is any woman’s life

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why do you think that?

[@pretty_d00med]

Stop trying to pry into that which doesn't want to be pryed into. Let goooooooo.

[@gregvanpaassen]

I hope you learn the meaning of commitment before you have children.

[@Magnanimous17]

5:20 yep. This is where I am at. Just about ready to walk away forever. 😢but I am hoping for solutions.... 🫤