A painfully honest conversation on texturism, self-esteem, and beauty

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[@ForHarriet619]

More on my hair struggles on Patreon! Patreon.com/ForHarriet

[@MK-hh1vo]

Please check out Green Beauty's KZbin channel. She has the answers to a lot of your hair questions! Great discussion!

[@Martina_E]

M K I know her channel is amazing!

[@tupa24]

“I’m allowed to not like something about myself, it doesn’t mean I hate being a black woman” YES!

[@maycoleman7348]

Mmmm....but check why? I find someone ugly in the street? I make sure I check my self on why?

[@indeeditiscirro]

Ikr? So many white peouhate their bone-straight hair and wish it was curly. No one says they hate being white

[@heathertea2704]

@t t YEP!

[@justcallmeteacup4711]

@@maycoleman7348 Her why seems to be reasonable. She loves how 4c hair looks on others but hates her own because it's hard and doesn't want to spend so much time on hair

[@SunshineState-ou7pr]

If you start one thing you hate, you will continue until you find more stuff to hate and then there is the shot to hell self love. Self love is mandatory to survive

[@shardeabre]

texture shaming is so real..... and most of it comes from other black people

[@sweethartia]

That’s the messed up part

[@MSMETALBABY]

Sadly true. They are just as much ashamed of it as they are trying to shame others with the same features.

[@stellabellafontay9366]

Amen. My mother is the main reason why I never had children. I was always afraid that they would be nappy heads like me.

[@sharronking]

I personally think it's more internal...

[@nadi5960]

It’s true, I have 4c hair and every time my mom sees me doing it she’s like “are you gonna put a relaxer in it” 😒it’s sooo annoying. Her hair texture is more 3a/3b

[@theakiljorge]

I love the women that called in. They were so open and vulnerable

[@theakiljorge]

AND THE SOUTH AFRICAN WOMEN!! OMG😭❤❤

[@shoebox256]

@@theakiljorge Yes! Loved them, my people. Thoroughly enjoyed this entire conversation.

[@theakiljorge]

@@shoebox256 They were so insightful❤ I peeped that accent and I was like "My sisters!!!"

[@MsKala]

Word..I was marking out over what they said.

[@Ggeekz]

Hair lines and edges are like black currency. I've been called broke due to a lack of tamed edges

[@stellabellafontay9366]

Damn.

[@radiokilledthevideostar3329]

Ruva Chipato preach

[@aoifghfbrbeaubidjksn3533]

I literally ignore my edges tbh I just wear my Afro out I had this discussion with my friend and she was saying she needs to start doing her edges 😂😂

[@aoifghfbrbeaubidjksn3533]

They’re delusional omg

[@missekevu33]

Ruva Chipato well we’ll see what folks look like in about 10 years of constantly messing with their edges... it will be similar to black women realizing relaxers are unhealthy....

[@GirlsLoveYourCurls]

The natural atributes of European hair is the accepted standard of beauty. Thier hair grows straight down in separated strands. It isn't resistant to being combed. It grows shiney and it grows long, with little to no effort. This is the standard of beauty, our hair is expected to adhere to. That is why our hair takes forever. It takes forever because we are bound by what is considered beautiful, acceptable and presentable hair. We are not able to let our hair's natural attributes dictate the way it looks; as Europeans are. Our hair grows up and out. It coils around itself and is comb resistant. The exact opposite to what is considered beautiful. We are constantly going against what our hair naturally wants to do. Trying to make our hair check at least one of the above "beautiful hair" boxes is time consuming. Edit: Imagine if the natural attributes of Afro hair were the standard? 🤗 This thread would be filled with non black women discussing the lost hours spent back combing their hair, to make it defy gravity. They would be talking about the time and money spent in hair salons getting straw set perms and the chemicals used to make it happen. We on the hand, would wake up with our hair “done”. Step out of the shower “done”. We would be wondering what the fuss is about, since our hair would be “done” from birth. Our hair is only a “problem” because of beauty standards.

[@PortraitofAsha]

Facts plus tax

[@INAN2222]

Yes!! Indeed! Superb commentary! Thank you! 💗

[@naysahisrael2914]

Exactly! By allowing my crown to do what it was made to do, my hair cost is less than $20 a month. And I never 'do' my hair. Hope all my sisters find freedom. Sidenote: I no longer work outside the home and don't have to adhere to any standards.

[@leilanidru7506]

GirlsLoveYourCurls points👏🏾 were👏🏾made👏🏾 and I mf agree.

[@gj9933]

Exactly!! Do styles that your hair is inclined to do (locks, twists Afros) and it it doesn’t take all that time. It’s a shame we don’t get that..

[@Indiegirl007]

I'm about to get real real. I tried a wash and go the other day. Though my curls were popping, I got so turned off by the shrinkage. I usually wear my hair flat ironed or stretched, so not having my hair at LEAST touching my shoulders, I got triggered. I felt so ugly, and honestly, the first thing I thought was...... I look poor. As soon as I thought that, I instantly felt bad, and it sent me down a rabbit hole of trying to understand where and how I picked up the connection that short coily hair = poverty. And why I find it acceptable on others, but not on me. I have a journey to go on.

[@honeydrop7306]

For me it helps to look at images of beautiful and rich looking black people with natural hair on Pinterest, Tumblr and Instagram. I bet your natural hair looks fine

[@laprincesse9312]

wow. crazy. hmm. very interesting

[@amEAGLEBABY5]

Keep telling your self you are beautiful stay positive regardless... that was your ego talking filled with all the shit you've been programmed with throughout your entire life... and that shit is hard to shake it leaves a dent in us but it's okay b/c your aware..your healing...your beauty is that of it's own..we forget that our own beauty no matter how it looks is unique..it is you 💜

[@jessicarichards9540]

LMFAO

[@RoaringMind]

Indiegirl007 thank you for your honesty. I can so relate to accepting, and even enjoying, short, coily hair on other people, but not myself.

[@evisionaryloveslife]

What burns me up are all these memes and snide remarks that BLACK MEN are making teasing or being shady towards Black Women about their hair. Saying things like "now that quarantine is in effect we'll see how you really look" or "what y'all gonna do now that the beauty supply is closed?" That kind of mess feeds the fire of how women view themselves. It also speaks to the trauma associated with not looking less than presentable even during a pandemic. I personally can't understand why women are freaking out and that's a little sad on the inside to me because I feel like we should be self sufficient enough to still look great without said nail artists, beautician, wax lady etc.

[@laurena8538]

Lively Planner Stationery I can understand freaking out if you haven’t done your own hair in years of even ever. Also there’s the time factor because it would take 3-4 hours to do what my hairdresser does in an hour and a half. I have a one year old now so there’s absolutely no way I have that time. Luckily I can wash, condition and throw in a bun!

[@leilanidru7506]

Lively Planner Stationery people don’t consider this. First of all the men making those statements are misogynistic bums. But nobody considers the drawback all our combined beauty routines have on our wallets and on our mental health. Being weave/wig dependent takes. A . Toll. On. You. Speaking for only myself, the slight face Dysmorphia, when I took down my braids after a couple months and I’d have forgotten what my hair looked like and how to barely handle it. And the fear and panic that sets in when we don’t have access to our temporary bandaids. And this crippling pressure needs to be addressed instead of kicking the can down the road for generations, and succumbing to that false relief we feel when we look how we’re “supposed” to look. I’m not talking down to anyone because I’m right in the same boat with y’all. I’m not surprised, that pressure exists no matter the condition or circumstance. Yea it’s great to roll out of bed not having to deal with my hair all day but it’s not great that I continuously have to fork over $100+ to get them installed, or to carry around that anxiety and panic of anyone ever, seeing my natural hair. Luckily that’s getting a bit better and I can go months with my natural hair now but still. I’m only a bit into the video but I hope this gets addressed.

[@louise-yo7kz]

Black.men have been indoctrinated like Black women. We're damaged. Not irreparably though. But damaged nonetheless.

[@evisionaryloveslife]

@@leilanidru7506 You are so RIGHT! It's so much pressure we have to deal with in just EXISTING. Then on top of that being a woman period. Then on top of that being a Black Woman and it all gets to be too much. When I think of the billions Black Women put into the beauty and hair care industry...it's astounding. I've been taking this quarantine time to focus on skin care. As a person who absolutely loves makeup and loves playing in makeup, I realize (1) makeup applied wrong ages you (2) it can get costly and addictive (3) wearing it in warmer climates is brutal so going without is necessary (4) I no longer want the clutch of makeup. So even though giving my skin a reset is costly it's a better investment in the end.

[@leilanidru7506]

Lively Planner Stationery I feel like very little people ever addresses this an it’s frustrating. Yes the harsh realities about the difficultly of our hair texture needs to be discussed and not sugar coated. But our hair wasn’t built to fit what the current beauty standards of hair are and nobody wants to take about the depressing reality that you either struggle and fail with your hair or be weave/wig/relaxer dependent till you die just to not feel ashamed of how you were born. As for beauty routines I’ve cut back significantly coz quite frankly don’t nobody got money and metal energy for all that upkeep. And a lot of women like their beauty routines, me included, let’s admit tho there’re a lot of ones we do b/c were pressured to be presentable. I’ve found a balance with my routines makeup and skincare routine, I keep it simple and within my budget and I look great. If I do say so myself. I’m still working on a better balance with my hair tho...

[@carbon_lifeforme]

I could literally listen to you talk about wood for one hour

[@heysilly1341]

Space Cowboy lol same

[@TheSepia1]

Facts!!!

[@maggiemcfly5267]

Totalled lol

[@MyWorld-xw6ic]

Omg me too! I want them to study her brain after she dies so we can know what made it so above average! Like they did Einsteins’.

[@mermaidtingzzz]

Saaame! #seeyouspacecowboy 🌠

[@mermaidtingzzz]

"Gold dipped shampoo" "Fiji mineral water" 🤣🤣🤣 momma was hilarious!

[@1sdubois]

I'm watching the video right now and just HOWLED at that part!!! 😹😹😹😹😹

[@Babyluv_]

My question is: can black women love their 4C hair if it’s short and is growing slowly? Because I find that a lot of 4C women love their hair only if it’s long and thick. Otherwise, they hate it.

[@ladiirissa100]

Yeah I love mine short. Sometimes i want cut it back off because I hate a lot of hair

[@harmony323]

The eager adult i feel like there’s a difference between a short cut and short hair that’s struggling to grow to the shoulder

[@ladiirissa100]

@@harmony323 yeah mine isn't in a short cut, nor is it completely at my shoulders. I still love it. It doesnt grow fast. It takes time to learn our hair when we come from relaxers. No my 4c curls aren't defined. It gets dry easily, but when I keep it moisturized and twist it the twist are juicy. I dont see a lot of hair types who twist look as beautiful as 4c. Ik not everyone with 4c feels like me. It took me awhile to understand my hair, but it didnt mean I didn't like it. I didn't like the learning process....and that's ok. I hope anyone reading this knows it's ok not to enjoy the adjustment. It takes time.

[@reannarichardson3978]

Yes. I did and still do. After my big chop I chose not to put my hair in a protective style and spent the time learning my hair and learning to style it. I really do love my coarse , high density, 4C hair.

[@stellabellafontay9366]

This! If my 4C was growing in kinky bundles down my back I would love it too.

[@georgezakhia125]

I just find it so funny that when black women complain about parts of themselves that they don't like, the internet rushes to yell at them about how they should love themselves in a way that is m at times toxic; but when a white woman complains about a part of herself that she doesn't like, the internet is more comforting. People can't seem to grasp the concept that sometimes black women, like all women, just want to be told that how they feel is valid in a way that is comforting. This image of the strong black woman who doesn't care about what the world says is endearing in certain ways, but having that be our only positive image is harmful. Black women should be allowed to be weak, we should be allowed to be insecure, and we should be allowed to expect comfort from our communities the way white women do without feeling ashamed.

[@darrylynquick478]

This why I dont like when I see post like black women are the strongest and most beautiful women,because I feel like this deflects from black women being able to be vulnerable about how we look.

[@asew4897]

The “get some esteem” line is just a way to dismiss BW feelings and circumnavigate treating us with care.

[@donicaharris6163]

Amen! Story of my life. Add having a masculine shape with this Strong Black Woman trope and you get a lot of looks when you come to work feeling sad or having physical discomfort. I should be able to have one messy day each week lol

[@ObeyAmmalol]

I don't hate my hair but I hate DOING my hair.

[@springfresh4344]

Sounds about right 😆

[@CarmenHamina]

Girl it should never have to be so hard it's a chore. I know what you mean, I used to absolutely hate doing my hair UNTIL I learned how to do it. It takes me about 2 hours total weekly to do my hair now, you just have to learn how to work smarter with it. The internet is full of resources to teach you how to do it! Take this isolation time to learn, it will change your life. ❤️

[@sarahp.3772]

@@CarmenHamina I don't even want to spend 2 hours on my hair. I would be lying if sometimes I didn't wish I had the "white people hair" not because I hate my natural hair (I love it as its versatile), but because I want to just go to bed and do absolutely nothing with my hair, wake up in the morning, brush it or throw it in a pony tail and go. With natural hair, it is never that simple. (It may simple, but not as simple as the "white hair" experience.

[@pythonjava6228]

SAME! I lack the patience

[@Chae_shay]

That first girl needs a KZbin channel. She is so real, intelligent and funny!

[@bingkychic]

Chae K she's also on Fly Nubian Queen. Can't recall her name there. Look her up. She's just as honest there.

[@Martina_E]

Yes!

[@kristin8194]

Chae K Absolutely!!!

[@adi-qf2wb]

Shout out to the comment section, the For Harriet Audience is so lovely and well spoken and dynamic

[@carmenadams575]

@Analyn Marx Wow. Was just sitting here thinking the same thing and about to post a very similar comment.😊

[@Ggeekz]

I'm sick and tired of easy breezy rapunzel telling me it took 3 months go get waistline hair with no effort

[@tacthom]

Waist length hair.. That's a 5 year plus process...I know from experience...anybody who tells you otherwise is not being truthful

[@jetblackhair92]

😂😂😂

[@miso8090]

SuGaR bEaR hAiR 😒

[@senoracheapee1864]

Ruva Chipato I’m also sick of these natural hair kit pages/channels that encourage you to grow long hair and 90% of the people in the pages have 3A 3B hair. Like of course your hair grows long🙄it more easily retains moisture & it has less kinks in snarled to break off

[@tacthom]

@@senoracheapee1864 I follow mostly 4c hair channels. If you have a mind to, check out Jostylin, Eugenia Kelcy, What Lies Beneath The Weave, or Naturally High to name of few... all of these ladies have 4c hair... not 4a or 4b but 4c hair. ALL of these ladies have retained the length of their to waist length or hip length. Indigenous Strandz (another channel to check out) is a 4c youtuber with thigh length hair... the shrinkage is unreal! The key is focusing on length retention. Afro textured hair is prone the breakage and the tighter the curl pattern (like 4c for example) the more fragile and prone to breakage it is. Even with these barriers it is possible to retain length and health of 4c hair. These ladies and most people with long afro textured hair have focused on length retention, not growth. Many of these channels I listed have documented their 4c hair journey from twa to hip length. Show these channels and other 4c channels some love

[@anony1596]

24:58 The day I started being intentional about who I follow on KZbin and Instagram literally changed my life. I unfollowed the women who fueled my insecurities and followed more brown skin, wide round noses, and kinky curly hair.

[@MyLittleVoicee]

anon y yes. This has been life changing for me too. I will say though that Instagram seems to be pushing lighter skinned/looser curled naturals into my explore page regardless! Very frustrating.

[@thatblvckhippie1911]

Same. I took one day to really cultivate an Instagram thay didnt amplify my insecurities. It made a world of difference

[@PortraitofAsha]

Truth

[@tifftreads]

Yep same. Im fuller figured and I followed the plump women too.

[@anony1596]

@@tifftreads It's so important! I saw @destiny_ravyon in a Buzzfeed vid yesterday and had to follow her. She's so pretty and has great style.

[@bryanalstoncoxing]

My mom calculated that she’s probably spent at least $500k on her hair over the course of her lifetime - what are your thoughts on the economic impacts of straightening and “doing” black women hair?

[@mrblackalchemist]

SketchbookHR $500K talk about self hatred.

[@e.l.lucychiron]

@@mrblackalchemist that is so common. So so common. Black women spend so much money in the attempt to cover black hair. They'll say it's self hating. But then if you wear it short, or in a natural style, they'll say it's unfeminine or unsexy. Can't win for losing in this society.

[@debraalleyne1760]

You know what's crazy. I found myself getting anxious around Corona and it was around my hair. I was feeling like I was getting a cold(turned out to be allergies) but I was freaking out because I thought, what if have to go to the hospital?! I can't wear a wig if they have to try to reduce a fever on my head. What if they take it off and it just my braids underneath??!! While feeling sick worsened by anxiety I stayed up and took down my wig, braids, detangled and embarked on a 2-3 day journey to getting my natural hair "presentable". I have long natural 4c hair but honestly the length means more knots, split ends, tired arms, sore shoulders, more $$ and bulk when wearing protective styles. My husband thought I was crazy for not resting and prioritizing something so "silly". I realized that I was afraid that in these uncertain times and limited resources at the hospital if I showed up in my natural, unmoisturized, unstretched 5 4C fat plaits, would I be seen as someone the doctors would want to save? Would I be seen as valuable? As a priority? I was afraid that my life would be forfeit if the people tasked with caring for me didn't find me acceptable. F'ed up? Ya I know.

[@seraphina2293]

Damm this is so real.

[@RNM-bu4rj]

OMG!!!!I had the same thought as you.Some of the struggles of being black.

[@Martina_E]

Such a real comment!

[@josephine_marie]

just1desi yes yes yes. I’m 24 (still a child in many eyes). I wear my natural hair 24/7 and I get this same treatment. Like stay in a child’s place. I guess people assume I’m a college student and don’t give me the time of day. Totally relate, thank you.

[@honeybee7855]

This is sooo real. And as a doctor I can't tell you that doctors never judge the apperance of their patients. I would hope it wouldn't affect care but we know unconscious bias is real

[@e.richardson4374]

This all stems from black people adopting Eurocentric standards of beauty and allowing non black women to occupy spaces that they shouldn’t in our community (media, etc.)

[@otherstuff649]

I don't wear pants EVER these days either lmao, thanks for the honest conversation

[@SaunFyre]

Lmfao same! What even are pants??

[@mxixttxi]

It doesn’t even have to be 4C...I have thin hair...I love the idea of being natural but my hair will never be thick. I battle with it because I feel like I’m weave dependent. I feel ashamed at times but that’s when I feel the best. It’s taken a toll on me.

[@MsKolo90]

C same , my thin hair saddens me.

[@summer8291]

I have thin 4c hair that breaks so easily and I wear wigs all the time and I hate it. I feel like I look so unattractive with my short natural hair out and it is depressing. I wish I could break free.

[@TuscanWonder]

@@summer8291 bless your heart... We all find what works and we stick with it... Depends on whom we choose to surround ourselves at end of day

[@NiaMaria]

I have thin 4c hair too. I figured there was something wrong with my hair until I got to my late 20s and realized it’s just my hair type. Still learning to love it but... yeah.

[@2damecuteUK]

Yep, low density thin 4C hair here 20 years I’ve been natural Hair still only at my shoulders No volume no matter how long it grows. There no magic oil, herbal treatments or magic tool that going to change the genetics of my hair. I’ve read all the books and tried al the methods. Had all the products. Tested the health care side and spoken to all the professionals. It’s a struggle but I’m at the point where I can’t be bothered. It’s frustrating So I do twists with extensions myself (the lightest hair I can get) kinky straight human hair works the best but it’s hard to get in my area. Any other day I’m rocking a wig and clips in because it makes me feel comfortable and confident. Do what makes you feel happy ladies, if they don’t know, understand your struggles and can’t be bothered to support and uplift you, they can keep the unsolicited comments to themselves.

[@itsjessguys7005]

Spending hours on a failed style, spending untold amounts on hair products because the first was flaky... girl you are speaking my mind i am tired

[@lovelydiva06]

👏🏾 black hair requires lots of products to maintain so it’s lots of money spent and the races making money off it don’t like, cater, or care about black hair they just know the black hair market is where the money is at

[@asho345]

No such thing as a failed style, just happy little accidents.

[@MK-hh1vo]

I always thought full, thick hair meant good health but I've come to understand genetics. I've also learned that 4C hair is "difficult" if you're trying to make it look like anything but 4C hair; otherwise it's easy! It takes time to LEARN to be natural. A lot of our secrets were lost. The Green Beauty KZbin channel helped me to understand and love my hair. @greenbeauty

[@louise-yo7kz]

@MK, word!!!. It is ridiculous to make a zebra into a lion. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@MK-hh1vo]

@Cul-de-Sac Negro agreed! She's a natural hair scientist and spiritual advisor all in one! 🥰❤

[@fattysl26]

I call my hair the duchess. She will not be pushed around or forced to do anything she doesn't want to! 🤣🤣

[@jordanwashington1854]

fattysl26 I know that’s right!

[@CarmenHamina]

Thank you for that last part! Our hair is so far from "hard", the problem is we never learned how to do it! I would never want to have anything else than kinky coily thick natural hair. ❤️

[@me_not_me]

Omg! That first girl was keeping it too real! I love her 😆👏🏾

[@conniechoward]

Right

[@ashleybrock5228]

The solidarity displayed here is really beautiful.

[@kokodavirgo]

When I was seven my mother put me in ballet class which was predominantly white. I vividly remember being jealous of all the girls with their long flowing ponytails as we practiced turns while my puff would not move. I begged my mom to straighten my hair and the answer was always no. So I would sit in the bathroom while class would take place with the excuse of my stomach hurting. I told my mom I did not want to do ballet because I did not look like the other kids in my class. A few months later I joined a black dance studio and I THRIVED.

[@JoyFay]

Korie Bazille glad you got to be around people with hair similar to yours and that you got to thrive.

[@camishanimmons1766]

Me too. Not to mention my butt is strait doing my plie's dangit! Nvmd😑

[@SirDave]

The first lady when she said she not shy about saying she don't care about her 4c hair 🛐🙌🏾, and she likes it better on others 🛐🙌🏾

[@themillenialwordsmith8022]

Which First Lady?

[@SirDave]

@@themillenialwordsmith8022 She had braids. I don't know her name. She is an artist and actress. I guess you didn't get that far into the video yet.

[@HB-pi2ew]

she comes in around 7:40

[@SirDave]

@@HB-pi2ew Boom. Thanks.

[@MiniM69]

It’s disturbing though because you never find others with looser textures saying the same thing. It’s not that deep but it sounds like conditioning that we’re all saddled with.

[@JustKay752]

Great conversation! At first when I went natural, I never wanted to wear any wigs because I wanted to represent for my sisters with short 4c hair but then my hair wasn’t growing so I found myself wearing wigs sometimes but still Afro textured ones. My hair is not long or fast growing but I love it coz it’s mine and wearing it natural is still very much an act of revolution.

[@littleympe2570]

Wearing 4c textured wigs is just as revolutionary sis ✊🏿

[@QueHopkins]

This was a very informative conversation. I’m learning so much by just listening to black women, more people should do the same.

[@RD-nq7fl]

Hair texture trumps skin complexion. I am what old people call a “waste of yellow” my complexion is very light yellow but I have 4b/c hair. As a child I was made to relax my hair because I had “bad” hair. In 2012 I said enough - no relaxer since 2012 . I do not wear wigs or weave. I work for a state agency so no upper management has ever said anything to me because they are scared of law suite. I rock my natural 4b/c even though my family hates it. I wear my Afro and I feel liberate.

[@theakiljorge]

Only at 4 mins but already 100 points have been made. The power you have I like fashion, but whenever I wear my hair in it's curly form, I feel the need to overcompensate with "posh" clothes. It's an interesting conversation to have

[@lg8159]

AKIL JORGE soooooooooooooooooooooo true!!!! I always do that too

[@theakiljorge]

@@lg8159 Right? It's like I know that I have the right to wear my hair in it's natural curly pattern, just like my white counterparts. But deep inside I feel like I'm going to be seen as "ghetto" or unprofessional. It's hard to admit, but it's an internal battle I face.

[@f3042]

AKIL JORGE I totally understand! It’s reinforced by the reactions we get from others. I always say that I can traipse around in sweats with no makeup if my hair is pressed bone straight. The straight hair is all I need because people react to it so positively. When I’m natural I’m almost invisible if I am dressed down and my eyebrows aren’t done. I was disturbed when I realized how many (of our) people respond more positively to straightened hair.

[@Gigi502.]

From a young age I knew that my hair was not the beauty standard. I was at a predominantly white school and so I expected them not to like my hair. But it was when I went back to my hometown for the summer, with my black family that I was truly reminded. My aunt got all my girl cousins together and put us in a line, good hair to worst hair. It was a game apparently lol. So I watched as all my cousins with loose curls and long hair were to the front. I just kept waiting for my turn to be put in the line. I was the very last girl, which meant I had the worst hair. I pretended to be okay with the laughing and the jokes and tried to joke too, but as soon as the game was over I ran into the bathroom and I cried for hours. I was the only cousin that had ever gotten a relaxer because my mother got tired of doing my hair at age 4. So because of this I had just finished transitioning. I thought that eventually my hair would look like my cousins. It never did. I have a combination of all type 4 hair. There was even a time at my other Auntie’s wedding that I “embarrassed the family.” All the women and little girls in my family heat train their hair regularly and never get heat damage. I had so much anxiety coming to the wedding with my natural hair because I just knew that it wasn’t beautiful enough to wear to a wedding! So out of fear of embarrassment, I pressed my hair. Unfortunately my hair wasn’t heat trained and reverted back after three hours of being there. Instead of my family helping me out, they just let me know that I should’ve known better, that I looked a mess, and that I was embarrassing my family. For the remainder of my trip, my hair was flat ironed everyday at 400 degree heat with no heat protectant. I went home with no curls and a broken heart. It’s really disheartening that black women are this way about our own hair. To this day I’m still learning to love my hair at every stage.

[@wayNAY87]

Gia-Marie Wow, I am so, so sorry this happened to you. :(

[@nikicarrie4071]

Your aunt is a bully

[@nicolaspabloangellegros430]

Such a great conversation. I'm a white guy with Spanish heritage and for 10 years sported long curly hair that I got from my mom. Not so strangely enough, she never embraced her curls because they reminded her of the times she got bullied at school for it (that was in Belgium in the 1960s). As for me, I would get positive comments from most women (especially black African women) and was always asked if I was an artist/dancer/comedian/actor because of it. On the flip side, now that I have short hair, I'm taken way more seriously professionally. Sad how hair can condition your interactions with the world but also how those interactions inform how you see yourself.

[@knp814]

I want someone to study how Pre-colonization African 4c women were wearing their hair. In my mind they were all bald or braided. Because i can’t believe that they devoted the amount of time we do to detangling and twistouts and picked out fros. Even wearing wigs as a protective styles, Washing, detangling and cornrowing my hair takes a few hours and my poor scrawny arms be tired.

[@kaielyse9313]

knp814 you should study it

[@DefineMorena]

Look up the book Don't Touch My Hair by Emma Dabiri. She touches a bit on pre-colonial hair styles and the concept of hair. I definitely know that they must have been braiding their hair a lot (probably not braid outs/twist outs e.g.) along with other hair styles.

[@knp814]

@@DefineMorena thanks for the recommendation

[@blueishfalcon5391]

That'd be interesting but remember not all africans had 4c hair.

[@ninasalvatore565]

I've grown to love my 4C hair. It wasn't easy and I get frustrated with it even now. My big problem with hair boils down to this: LET ME BE BLACK IN PEACE. I'm tired of my hair needing to be a statement about my blackness. If my hair is straightened, it's my choice. If I ever choose to perm my hair, it's my choice. If I wear a wig, it's my choice. Why do I always have to prove my blackness? I'm entitled to be frustrated about certain characteristics that are tied to my ethnicity. I get it, we are in a society that has beauty standards that exclude us. I get it. However, that doesn't mean that I always need to be on guard and tout every aspect of my blackness ALL the time. It's tiring and counterproductive. I can have intellectual discussions about these issues but I don't need to talk about it all the time. My appearance though it's mine, it's exhausting to be expected of me to always to present myself as an example of black pride. If I dared to say I hated my 4C hair, suddenly I'm not making a comment about myself but hating on a whole group of people because of what can be perceived as internalized oppression. I'm not. I can be frustrated with aspects of my ethnicity without it just being what society has rubbed off on me. My opinions are valid. It pains me because certain people in society don't have to constantly think if their thoughts are their own or just a product of a hostile environment. Not to say these things don't matter but sometimes they are used to dismiss your personal experience (especially in the natural hair community). I don't want everything that I do to be a statement. I don't even know if this makes sense or if I'm simply ranting but I hope it makes sense.

[@sarebear7777]

I know that natural hair is a struggle and a half to maintain but I didn't like the first women's negative attitude. I respect how she is willing to admit that she hates her hair because a lot of black women are dependent on wigs and weaves so much that most people in their lives don't know what their natural hair looks like. Yet they won't admit that they don't like their natural hair texture. They use the term protective style as a smoke screen. While these definitely are protective styles, (that I myself wear)a lot of the women wearing them do hate their natural hair and aren't willing to admit it.

[@Thelovelygwrlj]

Totally agree! I honestly still think it’s a little self hating. It’s programming for a Eurocentric standard of beauty. Let your hair be! It doesn’t need to be “laid”. We need to get out of that mindeset

[@MrsZemira]

Jocelyn briana Yes! And this obsession with straight “baby hairs”

[@RoaringMind]

Sara L I didn’t find her to be negative, she was simply proactively halting opposition due to experience with other women.

[@watchyamouth22]

That why it’s important to watch the whole video... just assuming

[@Thatcaramelchic]

Thank you for being honest. I hate how people act like it’s your fault that your hair is hard to manage when it’s very kinky. I my best friend has 3A or 3B hair and our hair routine and the hair growth that comes as a result is non comparable. Her hair grows down her back effortlessly my hair takes so much thought just to grow a inch. Some hair is harder then others that’s just what it is and some people don’t want to deal with that then I don’t feel like they should be shamed.

[@CDub-df2us]

Are you referring to growing or retaining length? If your hair isn’t growing you need to see a doctor.

[@Thatcaramelchic]

My point of this comment is HER hair routine requires the least amount of effort yet she retains length and her hair grows at a faster rate. In order for me to retain length I have to put in ALOT of extra Effort and care for my hair to just watch it grow half a inch. My hair is 4B. Its not about me trying to use her routine or not knowing how to do my hair I know the TLC type 4 hair needs. My hair grows slower thats just what it is. EVERYONE hair is different it also breaks easily as 4 hair tends to do. So if someones does not want to deal with that its understandable and they should feels shamed. Thats the point of the comment. Different heads require different energy and routines if you want to grow your hair out. Why can't people with type 4 hair just be honest about our hair being harder to manage without being accused of not knowing how to do our hair. I know how to do my own hair. Thats what they were talking about in the video.

[@CDub-df2us]

Jazz Man i was only referring to the comment of hair struggling to grow. All i was saying if your hair isn’t growing then you need to see a doctor. They can advise you of your diet, etc. a lot of people confuse growth and retention. Of course not everyone’s hair will grow to their back but for it not to bring growing is definitely a problem.

[@Thatcaramelchic]

Jane Doe thank you!! That’s what I’m saying

[@louise-yo7kz]

You don't have to have long hair to be beautiful. Bantu knots, cornrows on natural. TWA. Make it work sister Erin

[@dax5694]

As a black man with a natural mane, though my experience is different, my feelings are the same as my melanated sisters. I had long hair when I was younger,but didn’t have to take care of it myself (meaning, my mom or stylist did all the work) and cut it right before entering high school. When I decided to grow my hair again almost 3 years ago, there were 2 defining moments for my why: 1. Having to walk away from a major job offer, after being told my (mini) afro at the time didn’t fit the “aesthetic” of their company 2. My mother being upset with me for walking away from the job, and not cutting that ugly nappy hair off my hair. Those two moments made me realize how every aspect of who I am is important/significant. shouldn’t have to hide, and shouldn’t be shunned for things that I have no control over, and are fibers of my being. Today, my hair is as apart of my being as my name, and so proud of my hair. It’s been, and still is, a lot of trial and error. There aren’t that many black males to turn to (more now than 3yrs ago) for natural hair care outside of braids and fades, so I had to turn to the sistahs to teach a brotha what’s up. I really appreciate this commentary, I’m not alone in initially hating my hair, but couldn’t see myself without now. If anyone wants to drop some gems though on how to cut down on wash day (right now it takes me 1.5hrs to wash, condition, detangle, moisturize), wouldn’t be mad about it haha

[@everafter2611]

Did this really happen to you?

[@dax5694]

Ever After yes

[@uchewb3]

This is a very old comment, but what I’ve done to cut down on wash day is that I keep my hair in and out of twists. Everything is done in sections, and I use a shampoo brush to detangle. The actual washing and conditioning don’t take that long, but the repeated detangling is what makes it take long. If you have curly hair, do not scrunch and scrub your scalp, bc it’s just creating tangles. If you’re hair keeps retangling between steps over and over, it’s bc your hand motions to put product in (like scrunching) are what’s causing that.

[@Afftene22]

First caller needs her own KZbin channel. She's hilarious!

[@bingkychic]

Afftene22 she's on Fly Nubian Queen. Check her out

[@coulorfully]

Guess self hating never goes out style.

[@indeeditiscirro]

Colorfully what are you on about?

[@RoaringMind]

Danielle Whitten I tried finding her and could not...would you mind dropping a link?

[@hunadimakgatho3403]

"you gotta have edges to play that game🙃🙃" 😂😂😂😂🤣😭😭.. I laughed so hard

[@WellDamn24]

Why do our edges have to be slick down? Why can’t they just be curly? Real talk? Sometimes our fight is with basic shit that we need to let go. If I had the full, thick hair I used to have I’d let it free form and go about my life! I hate alopecia!

[@kerri.janelle]

Same!

[@everafter2611]

Lol I rarely slick down my edges.

[@onti9140]

Finding other South Africans engaging on platforms like this and bringing up matters relevant to me is so amazing ❤️❤️❤️

[@WilliamsPinch]

Ladies as a proud natural, I’m just going to say: it’s OKAY to texlax if it’s more suitable to your lifestyle. Altering your hair pattern doesn’t make you anti-black.

[@mermaidtingzzz]

Giiirl my bff and I came to this same conclusion. Really the natural hair movement has really reintroduced us to proper care for our hair. We can and should continue to use the same sulfate-free, paraben-free products. Continue to deep condition, tie up and oil our tresses! Both of us had long healthy hair w perms but my texture is a looser so a blow out suffices for me. But she's got coils tighter than 4C and it's honestly just a lot, add to the fact she physically has a lot of hair. Modern life is fast paced and a lor of ppl just don't have the time meanwhile whole heartedly loving themselves and their blackness!

[@drroaf]

Kyra Williams AMEN sistah! I did the big chop in 1998 and was natural for 20 years. I currently work with an amazing and gifted hair care specialist who has "The Hands": hair care has been her family's livelihood and calling for generations. I have been getting her specially mixed texlax since 2018 and find that my hair is much less prone to breakage due to not over manipulating it. Also, Mozell educates me on how to care for my hair and which products to use every time I see her.

[@clarissahiggins1054]

M Roaf where do you go?

[@drroaf]

@@clarissahiggins1054 Mozell's salon is in Scottsdale, AZ in the Phoenix metro area. I travel from California to Phoenix every 3 to 4 months to keep seeing her (and my friends!LOL). She's BEYOND worth it. She is only the 2nd person to really, really restore my hair to health and fullness, and I'm 51 years old. And it's not just me (I got a look at her before and after photos of clients). Some people have what I call "the touch," or as one of her reviewers said, Mozell's hands are anoninted.

[@missekevu33]

kyra williams very true... do what works for you, but don’t blame the hair.

[@nuggetsnicole4851]

My mother was very negative when I first went natural

[@radiokilledthevideostar3329]

Stephanie Griffin that older generation is love hate. They had Afros and went to perm in the 80s and 90s.

[@honeydrop7306]

same

[@shaniasmith9999]

Mine too. She made snarky comments about how my natural hair would fall off. But I've been fully natural for 2 years now and my hair is flourishing. My only regret is that I didnt change back sooner.

[@houseofallena5953]

Wow, your mom?!

[@ourheavenlyfathergodis1445]

Mine too

[@Kincaid2576]

Oh the first caller was my friend I’m my head. She is my new bestie! Loved her energy!

[@AllenNormandie]

I love this community.

[@uchechiblxckgoddess]

Me too!

[@LeratoM98]

Same!

[@blahhoopla2]

I’m west African but happen to have 3c/4a hair, I find that people respond more favorably to my hair, when my curls are defined in wash & go then when my hair is undefined. I also don’t like when people assume that hair is easy or I don’t have my own fair share of problems (my hair is also low porosity, I feel like a lot of natural hair products that cater to high porosity hair). But yes I to had to learn about my natural hair and figured out what work for it. Natural hair truly is a journey!

[@TheSepia1]

I was on that live & I really appreciate you bringing up this topic. I was literally on the bus on my way to the million woman march when I accepted that I would have to shave my locks off because many of them were hanging on by a thread. So I shaved my hair off. ( for the second time ) I had locks at the time. When I tried to grow my hair back...I discovered that my hair wouldn't grow. My hair has never grown ever since. It's alopecia. I sing for a living & I wore my hair bald on stage & in the street for 11years. When I would walk down the street most of the time white people would see me compliment me & want to take photos with me. Some black people would love it & they would call me a Masai Queen. BUT the only people who laughed at me were black people. They pointed...laughed at me...called me all kinds of names.... but I continued to wear my hair bald. After 11years I decided that I wanted some hair so I decided to wear wigs. I felt such angst in making that decision as I always considered myself to be a natural Sista. But...I went ahead & started wearing wigs. I would always try to find natural styles but back then they were VERY difficult to find. I could only buy what was available & what I could afford in beauty supply stores. Once I became use to wearing wigs...I wore all kinds of styles... For the most part depending on what kind of wig I had on at the time...black people would give me the She Phony look. They didn't know if I had cancer...alopecia...or what... I now wear wigs in all lengths, colors, textures.... When I meet people I don't say...Oh by the way...I'm wearing a wig because of..... NO!! I'm not going to tell my whole story to everyone that I meet so as not to come across as phony. If folks think that I'm phony or whatever then that's just what they think. Also there's a lot to consider when buying & wearing wigs...Certain wigs don't work well on a windy day. Though I'm comfortable wearing wigs now...I do have hair dreams. I see natural Sista's and their hair & it hurts not to have my own hair. You don't know how much I would love to simply put my hair in a ponytail. I miss touching my hair.... Adorning my hair styles with cowrie shells, beads or barrettes & things like that. What I have to touch...is my scalp. And it's a cute scalp I must say. I will wear my hair bald again. So maybe Monday I'll be bald...Tuesday I'll have an Afro & Wednesday I'll have long hair past my shoulders. lol. I do what I want. Still I wish that us Sista's would support & love each other more. We need to stop hurting judging each other about our hair. I apologize for the very long comment!! Love your channel Sis. Watching you makes me smarter...better!! Thanku for your live today!!! 💗🌸

[@csbean8783]

Charysse Sepia Blackman Thank you for this comment! We definitely need to be better at supporting and uplifting each other!

[@TheSepia1]

CS Bean: 💗

[@digthewarmth]

Watching black women with beautiful 4c hair is so motivating for me.

[@karidelmar1214]

I'm not black (hispanic) and I love your channel. It's beautiful to see the community you've created. I'm usually a silent viewer but I just thought I'd share how inspirational you are. I hope you continue to have success in everything that you do. Bless I n I

[@knp814]

I love the point one caller made about the fact that just having hair that can take heat and manipulation is the luck of the draw

[@seraphina2293]

“Don’t try and be a natural girl AND be cute” OMG 😆 This woman is the REALEST.💯

[@bingkychic]

Seraphina Ange du six ailes she does vids on Fly Nubian Queen too. Check her out.

[@adefolakemi1111]

i disagree. i think its cute so its a matter of opinion

[@coulorfully]

Disagree

[@seraphina2293]

@@bingkychic ooooh will do thx

[@callalilly4743]

I don't hate my natural hair. I do wish I was taught to love it as a child the way I do for my daughter now. I don't feel I would have been as disrespectful to it as I was.

[@zan752000]

I wish we could see more women that look like Kim in advertisements.

[@littleympe2570]

🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿💙

[@DefSquadFan]

White people get to choose who goes in those ads so I dont understand when white people say they dont care how black people's hair looks.

[@ReadLoveListen]

Me too she reminds me of women in my family.

[@tobekai]

Loving your hair is like loving anything else. You can compare it to others' but that's useless. Your hair is the way it is. You have to accept it for what it is and learn what makes it thrive. It's truly a relationship.

[@stellabellafontay9366]

I hate my mother and I hate my hair. My mother is the reason why I hate my kinky, peasy, nappy, knotty, awful, Florida from Good Times hair. My mother would whine, "Wool! Wool! Wool!" in frustration as she purposely pressed a sizzling hot comb into my scalp. She would get stars in her eyes around Black or mixed race children with "silky" hair and complain out loud about my wool. I haven't even viewed this video yet Kim. The title bought me here. Not sure if I'm ready. 💔🥺

[@Loom.g0v]

Black women are so beautiful, intelligent and an inspiration.

[@ravenadams5300]

Trying to showcase black women’s ability to grow long, thick hair also reinforces the same Eurocentric beauty standards you are trying to dismantle. Black people are told that they NEED to have long, full hair to be beautiful, not that we CAN’T. So, by holding black women to the standard of needing to have long hair you are holding them to white beauty standards. It’s counterproductive and is very damaging.

[@dominiquerogers2027]

PERIOD

[@CarmenHamina]

I get where you're coming from. To me showcasing our own highly textured, kinky coily black hair, isn't consistent with the European standard of long wavy or straight that hair many of us are still attached to. It's our own and it's more a symbol of femininity to me. I've had everything from a shaved head to waist length but I felt like it's beautiful and a statement of my blackness in all stages. ❤️

[@Cynthia-hk2oc]

@@CarmenHamina Yeah I agree 100% with OP but is long thick hair a Eurocentric preference if it's very coily and kinky?

[@manaih5652]

Period. It’s genetics too. There’s an Arab Egyptian singer that I love with 3C HAIR and it never grows past her shoulder. She doesn’t feel the need to pursue length.

[@TheLily97232]

I agree. The "look ! Our hair is as good because it grows super long too !" narrative really reminds me of white Barbie ideals of femininity... it's sad

[@MelonBrews]

Only 15 minutes in and this conversation is already GOLD. Thank you Kim!

[@elegantlady8312]

Yay! So many South African women following you and contributed to the live 🙂

[@ayandacharlie3174]

@Mrssunnibunny Hi, that was me :)

[@senoracheapee1864]

Thandi Zulu South African women are beautiful 👌🏾 greetings from nyc👋🏾

[@LeratoM98]

❤️❤️❤️🇿🇦

[@TsholofeloMautla]

I am based in JHB and I looove Kim! 🙂

[@jinx724]

I will say for myself i am 100000% against wearing my natural hair straight for normal day to day up to events. I definitely refuse to straighten for big events like graduation (if I were to have one. Mine has been canceled thanks to Covid 19) I LOVE having 4c hair. I definitely don't like doing it or hearing people's opinion on it. It DOES take more time and more arm power. But I lost a battle with my mom on to straighten it and after the first day I put on my head scarf and wore it up. No one knew it was straight. I wouldn't even let my boys see it. So I'm the opposite from most black women I feel because I hate straight hair on me, my afro looks better

[@Tonia682]

I understand you fully! I haven't blown dried my hair in 7 years. I love my kinky hair and feel it looks better on me than straight hair.

[@rachelm.3173]

Same. I did my big chop in 2016, and have yet to straighten my natural hair. I feel I look better with my big, fluffy afro. Looking back I wish I had went back natural years ago. It takes me 5 hours once a week to wash, detangle, deep condition, and style. But my hair has shown me the time and care I show her is worth it. It's healthier, longer than it's ever been.

[@bergelinejean6879]

Same I'm a senior this year and I was going to wear my afro to prom and graduation. But it has been cancelled

[@Tonia682]

@@bergelinejean6879 Sorry to hear about your graduation being cancelled.

[@giachanel633]

Hey ladies! I also love my 4a/4b hair!. I wear it out most if the time and I only get braids like may 2-3xs out of the year! As for straighten the hair it's really once/year. I have no problem attracting men of diff races in my natural state..esp when I have a braids out!... The hair looks natural wavy at the ends but yet the roots are still kinky. Lol I'm still tryna figure that out! So this is not new to me if not having to go to a salon or someone house to get my hair "done" since I was doing my own hair most of the time 😂. I just need to master a new style now... like perm rod sets!

[@Hephbeu]

I’m free!! I’m black. I’m who GOD created me to be completely! I love my thick natural 4C hair..I’ve never felt more beautiful..I will not allow one single other human being on this earth to make me feel otherwise

[@louise-yo7kz]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@danisacademiccorner4493]

I recently started a new job and my employer asked for a photo to put up on the website. So last year I had done two different photo shoots. In one, my afro was in a twist out and it was so beautiful and natural. The other photoshoot happened at an event. My afro was tied up and I looked beautiful in those images too. So when I was deciding which photo to send to employer I was really conflicted because initially I felt that the photo where my afro was tied up would be better the option. I realised that the social conditioning of black women's hair was so deeply entrenched in me, that I had to think about my hair before I sent a photo. I ended up sendin the picture where my afro was in twist out!😁

[@tisheetee]

I know this is old, but how did your employer respond/ react?

[@itsmeBMACK]

As a baldie (due to alopecia), I still relate. Even when I had a head full of hair....I didn't like it. It was naturally thin already, so I was always so vulnerable. Now that I'm a baldie, I get anxiety when my hair grows out because it doesn't lay or wave....just looks knotty. I'm 32, but it's still a struggle to embrace

[@feliciaa9463]

Great video on such a complicated but necessary topic. One thing I feel like wasn’t touched on is that many of us find dealing with our hair difficult because we are constantly trying to make it into something it is not. Specifically we are trying to get it as close to white or white adjacent or mixed women texture/look. That includes these styles where we sleek our hair down, perm rod sets, and to some degree braids with extensions. Many black women braid their hair to get this “sleek look” with straight adjacent extensions. the minute any sign of their natural curls start to show through the braids or their curly hair edges show then it’s time to redo the braids. I would imagine that if a white woman is trying to make her hair into 4c hair it would be difficult to maintain and do her hair too. In all the years I have been watching you I have never seen your natural 4c hair/curls un-manipulated into a sleek bun, covered with sleek braids or a weave. Yes a lot of this is societal and peer pressure and to some degree white supremacy. But at what point do we take responsibility and self accountability and say F the standards, and be proud of the hair that grows out of our hair?

[@sugarpearl9781]

I agree with what you’re saying. Certain styles that are so accepted in the black community, such as laid edges and sleek ponytails (which are held as the standard) are somewhat counterproductive to our journey of loving our hair as it is. But what I don’t agree with is the whole “take responsibility, F the standards and be proud of them hair that grows out of our heads.” It’s not always that easy. I live in NY and we JUST passed a law prohibiting discrimination based on hair or hairstyle in school or work. The public backlash (small or large) towards people who just rock their natural hair is still very real and I don’t think it’s fair to judge those of us who aren’t willing or able to deal with those consequences, whether their job is on the line or they just don’t want to deal with the looks and comments from strangers.

[@boricua584]

I don’t know if I have 4c cause my hair is more curly but i love a slick down look. I don’t think that’s necessarily hating your texture. I’m still wearing my hair 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@PortraitofAsha]

Facts plus tax

[@papertape7911]

I am so glad to hear you talk about this. I too came to a similar revelation about my relationship with my 4c hair. I have an idea of what presentably hair looks like and what good 4c hair looks like. My 4c hair does not grow fast and long and therefore does not meet this requirement of acceptable 4c hair. I feel uncomfortable with straight hair but can't seem to come to terms with my 4c hair. It has been interesting, difficult and humbling navigating this struggle. For the first time, I am having to confront and critically explore my internalized ideas of beauty and attractiveness when it comes to my hair. It is relieving to hear another black woman's thoughts on this.

[@mimokjhvmogfdgk]

God speed 🙏🏾

[@Danity56]

Speed of hair growth have various factors, but also 4c hair can grow length it is all about length retention.

[@digthewarmth]

33:35 I feel like people who say it takes SO MUCH longer to do their natural hair just aren't used to doing their hair, even their relaxed hair. Of course it feels like a long time if you're used to having someone else do it. But really it seems like all hair takes similar time to look good. I'm natural and have a 5 hour wash session every Sunday, and a retwist in the middle of the week. My mom is relaxed and spends at least 3 hours at the salon every two weeks, and she puts rollers in her hair every night for maintenance. I had a white roommate who washed her wavy hair every morning, and she used curling irons everyday to give her hair body. And I've seen girls on KZbin with already straight hair still run a flat iron through it to get it flawless. It takes time to have fly hair in general, it's just a question of What styles do you like to see on your head, and who do you want to put them there?

[@mxixttxi]

digthewarmth but there is a difference of how it comes out. I have done hairstyles that takes 4 hours and it comes out looking a hot mess. So I get your point but sometimes styling a weave or getting braids is just easier because it comes out how you want it too.

[@MyLittleVoicee]

digthewarmth I have 3b bra strap length hair and it absolutely takes me less time to pull my hair into a bun and slick my edges than my 4c friends because it takes me less time to detangle. I teach dance and my (mostly white) students can achieve this style nearly in less than a minute. I don’t know your hair type but my wash day only takes about 2 hours compared to your 5.

[@boricua584]

You said it doesn’t take that much time then say it’s a 5 hour wash day .... lol girl I promise you that is a long time

[@boricua584]

Renee Welsh Noel Right lol people with looser hair textures can detangle was etc in less than 2 hours.

[@Babes600]

Why are you taking 5hrs to do hair?

[@josephine_marie]

“Don’t be natural and try to be fine” I know the caller is being snarky and is telling her experience, but how can we let that statement fly? It’s really cringeworthy watching someone who is so self righteous in their self hatred. I love being natural, and I’m not going to let you project your insecurities on me. Also everyone doesn’t have the time, desire, patience, or money to have their hair in “protective styles” and wigs 24/7. It’s fine talking about colorism, insecurities, but when are we going to embrace who we are? And not give a damn of what other people think of it?

[@WavesOfLight4]

i took that statement as a humorous way to address the standard of beauty that so many of us (and the world) still subscribe to. it may not be politically correct but that's how a lot of black women feel and feel conflicted about. i'm glad she said it the way that she did.

[@PGRDresses]

Josie I just started and I’m on her and she’s 🤯

[@chellenicki2805]

I took her statement as being natural and working out is a struggle, not that you can’t be attractive with natural hair. She made the statement when talking about her hot yoga classes and exercising.

[@jessicacrawford238]

Yea that comment kinda threw me also. But I have to understand that everyone isn’t at the same place in their journey as me. Best believe i am natural and fine 😘

[@valf156115]

I think she was talking abt the struggles of working out (and sweating) while maintaining your natural style. It really seemed that way to me!

[@sleyah]

I had to change my perception of my 4c hair. I grew up being told it was ugly, I had to unlearn that and teach myself how beautiful and versatile and unique it is. Growing up I would've never been allowed to go outside with an afro, today I will go anywhere with my afro and I don't need my edges laid or whatever and I get plenty of compliments. I do see how it can be different in certain industries like TV and film because you're competing for a small number of jobs and discrimination is very real. As for me I always wear my natural hair in interviews, I don't want them to have any impression my hair is going to look any other way. Ya'll are going to deal with these kinks and this afro or I'll go somewhere else and that's that on that.

[@tyty6342]

I feel you so much on this one...I have blonde smaller size locs and go everywhere including job interviews with my hair. I'm not gonna lie, it can be pretty intimidating to go for corporate jobs with natural hair but thank The Most High my crown is blessed and its never stopped me from getting any position I wanted (I work in Accounting for a Fuel Company), but I know not every Queen has that opportunity

[@boricua584]

I was just writing a comment about this, 4c hair can’t slick and curl like other hair types and it’s okay! This idea that every black girls has curly hair and had to slick their hair and edges is false. I can slick my hair but my best friend can’t so she doesn’t stress herself out trying.

[@bluebutterfly5684]

Our beautiful 4c hair is originally for women who were born happy and healthy under the African sun, with Shea nuts growing on trees, and moms and aunties who sat with us for hours and taught us how to love, nurture and adorn our hair after they’ve taught us how to lovingly grow and prepare our own food. Unfortunately, this is America and we lost those traditions out of cruel necessity. Now, I love to care for my 4c hair...in locs. I don’t have the patience for anything else. The only other styles I can truly deal with is when it’s “boy” short or braided. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@moniquel6273]

If you want natural hair but don’t like the maintenance it takes to grow it long. Then keep it short. I honestly believe that natural hair is best when kept shorter. It tangles a lot less. We are conditioned to think that natural is only beautiful when it’s long. Most cultures who have Afro hair, tend to keep it short. Look at traditional African societies and even Melanesians. They don a small Afro. There is wisdom in that, I think.

[@teressaking5369]

I hate combing/styling my hair... I think alot of the issues we have is trying to achieve styles not meant for our hair. I dont want to spend hours on my hair, I just don't...

[@TheWonderGirl23]

That DNA 🧬 line was 💯 we cannot outrun our genetics. Some of us ain’t gonna have natural long hair sis and that is okay. I’m 4C my hair is a nightmare to work with and manage on a good day. Shrinkage is a real battle. Every time I have worn my natural 4C hair I get tons of compliments from all kinds of people. People say my natural hair makes me look younger. My hair has no volume and is very fine and breaks easily. Dealing with the trauma of the religious context of our hair is our glory, how we are perceived in society, connection to our femininity, and comradeship to each other with black hair, and the perceptions of the male gaze and corporate structure. I at least got a podcast in me on 4C struggles, a book, and movie content. Sometimes I love my hair, sometimes I seriously hate it, sometimes I’m frustrated with it, sometimes I have full acceptance and say it is what it is. Side note 📝: Does anyone get frustrated about people who make judgments on your hair who do not understand or have 4C hair 🙄🙄🙄

[@crystalpowell8619]

TheWonderGirl23 TheWonderGirl23 thanks so much!! I have real 4C. Shrinkage. Breakage. Relaxers never taking. Scabs from Relaxer burn. Curls looking dry!!!! And I am very tender headed. I wanted to die- it was just too much. Then I was shamed for my hair. I still am pained by the anger of not having what folks thought a ‘high yellow’ girl should have. I WILL READ YOUR BOOK- SEE YOUR MOVIE- LISTEN TO YOUR PODCAST

[@CCCC-fp5gw]

You hit on the nail with 'our crown is our glory' or however that goes. That phrase has always left me with a feeling if lack and deficiency because my crown is hardly big and lengthy

[@lisapierce737]

TheWonderGirl23 I remember I was talking with a lady that I knew and she was saying that she wanted to do my hair and when I saw the video of how she was going to do my hair, I said whatttttttttt....is the comb going to pass through my 4c hair? And she said that I was being so negative about my hair ....I was thinking 💭...she doesn’t have 4c hair so she wouldn’t know the struggles of it....trying to get a curl definition...buying products to see which one would work, trying to see if I can do a twist out without the shrinkage because with 4c hair, when I do styles, it goes right back to a little afro so the twist out and braid out don’t really last. I accepted last year to embrace my hair to love my hair and yea it’s growing but at this point I don’t care for it to be long because I like to do my hair and crochet is my it thing ok and seeing all the work of having long hair.....I’m like I’m good at this length and if it grows then hey I’m ok with that...don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i don’t try to do a twist out but definitely when I first went natural and big chop, it was an obsession and seeing women on KZbin doing all these cute gorgeous styles and me complaining about my hair and why it’s not coming out like their hair...the comparison was real, it was real so at that point I realized that hey my hair is gonna be disobedient to what I want it to do and obedient to how she wants to be handled...I let her have her way. I don’t even try anymore...LoL. I find it freaking gorgeous when I spray water and conditioner and a little gel....🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥...I have been told before that when I rock my natural hair that I look younger 😍😍😍😍😍....at the end of the day, our hair is our glory and yea we may feel uncomfortable with it and maybe ashamed because that’s all we tend to hear is it’s nappy it’s ugly and then you have family members telling you the same exact thing it’s ugly it’s happy go do something with your hair and then women looking at you...why your hair like that for? It’s like sheesh.....you have to enjoy it. I love my hair and I thank God for it because shoo I can do something with it ..shoo it’s braided now...my edges yes that another story for another time...LOL it’s struggling but baby it’s comeback is going to be powerful....that’s that.

[@mutedearthvirgo]

as a "light skinned" girl with 4c hair, I share many, but not all of your experiences. In my experience, people who say 4c hair is easy usually have looser patterns 🙄 I had to purge my natural hair "influencers" to make sure I only followed people who looked like me. I finally did a short cut in 2017 because I was mfin tired. Now I'm 6 months into microlocs and I've never been happier. I feel like I can finally let my hair do what it wants, and not spend 12 hours prepooing, detangling, shapooing, conditioning, and styling my hair ever 2 weeks. My hair is shorter than I'd like, but I still feel feminine and can't keep my hands out my hair 🥰

[@kanampersand]

I have 4C hair and have been styling my own hair since I was 19. In an attempt to worry less about it while embracing the texture, I started locs over a year ago. I think I am still in the ugly stage but I am so good with that. This is apart of who I am.

[@bluebutterfly5684]

Kaneesha Lord , I started caring for my natural when I was 13 after a perm took it out. When I saw locs in my 20’s, I was sold! I’m on my second set now. I hope you love the journey. When you get the “swing time,” you’ll be all set. Hang in there.

[@kanampersand]

@@bluebutterfly5684 Thank you! Yeah, I am definitely from a family with lots of locs. My brother, my aunties, even my mom. Waiting for the swing time for real. Playing with color helps me while I wait for my time to swing and shine.

[@lifebyjo3999]

The first girl got me dyinnnnggggggg 😂😂😂😂😂 and spitting mad facts. Like deadass, we need to be realistic. I have been natural for four years. I have so much curly and coily hair (I have a different texture in the middle of my head). When my hair is braided or straighten it gives me such a break from messing with my hair. And there is just too much to do in a day to be consumed in anxiety of presentability. What the South African woman said about long hair is so true! When I went natural, people around me kept reminding me how long my hair was before. It made me feel unattractive, old and unfeminine. The second to last caller was so insightful! Please reach out to her if she ever comes on again. She may be a great guest to have on the channel.

[@lifebyjo3999]

just1desi that’s another thing too. Mom’s don’t understand how they are consumed with this as well. They don’t know how much their comments hurt us and what it does to our self image.

[@ScaredCurly92]

Really awesome and eye opening conversation. I’m a 4a/3c natural and always style my hair myself with the exception of the occasional salon dye job or trim. It is hard and does take awhile, but I honestly feel like relaxers took forever too, I just didn’t have to do the work. And (please don’t drag me) I feel 4c hair tends to take especially long because a lot of 4c girls try to make their texture look looser when they don’t have to. If you’re doing twist outs, braid outs and wash and go’s, it’s not gonna take much longer than any other style. I think many of us are so detached from our own hair and so used to having someone else’s hands in it that we don’t know how to build that positive relationship - Lord knows it took me a minute to be comfortable doing my own hair all the time. But I do think it’s worth the effort and can be very healing, like one of the people on here said.

[@CDub-df2us]

Jackie Washington very true.

[@notoriousq_95]

Dating to me as a young Black woman has been very depressing I would like certain Black men but since I’m not the “preference” then my chances are Significantly lowered I’m not light skin “exotic” or thick or have the “good hair” Black women who fall out out of these preferential criteria aren’t even thought about on a grand scale compared to our counterparts white women mixed racially ambiguous women have the privilege to be mediocre looking even carry themselves in undesirable ways yet they’ll still have men knocking down there door because they are still “preferred. I’ve known and met so many beautiful darkskin even brown skin women that some Black men wouldn’t even look at all because of there skin tone while those same Black men but up in a hideous light skin woman face and consider her a “trophy. Jackie Aina for example is a beautiful chocolate non ambiguous Black woman but because of colorism and slave mentality many Black men wouldn’t look her way especially if she didn’t have her platform and reach. That’s why now I don’t even bother to date nor do I want to I find it taxing disturbing and depressing I’d rather be alone than to hurt by a man especially another Black man.

[@MissMaweja]

True I just spend 2,5 hours detangling, pre-pooing, washing, deep conditioning and styling my own hair. I always do my own hair though, but my hair hadn't been detangled in a month (it had been washed but only finger detangled due to the lockdown). So I suffered y'all. And I like my 4a hair but I hate dealing with people trying to touch it at work or being asked why it's so short (hello? shrinkage??) . I love wearing my hair out in the summer time but still wear wigs to work. Been natural since 2001 btw. Thanks for this video. End.Of.Rant.

[@miso8090]

Miss Maweja what a dumbass question lol. Why is your hair short? Why is your hair long???

[@ellejones325]

the bald girl was so cute

[@miabarnett2452]

I absolutely ADORE my 4c hair but I also understand that everyone has their own journey. If I could pay someone to do my hair I would too bc it's just a nice experience.

[@WellDamn24]

I thought I was so pro-Black and had resolved my hair/beauty issues until I stopped micro-braiding my hair because it was causing alopecia. It was plain ole hair avoidance. I don’t sew my own clothes and I don’t want to be my own hairdresser. 🤷🏾‍♀️ But in all honesty I ain’t gonna call it “protective styling” when my last thought was protecting my hair. What, protecting my hair from me doing worst shit to it? I just decided to be ugly and move the fuck on. Then one day I realized that I’m cute with no hair (because I’d rather have no hair than have to do something to it everyday) so there I go.

[@littleympe2570]

What it really is is y’all need more time to learn your hair. And that precious time is significantly compromised when we wear wigs 70% of the time. I’ve been doing my own natural hair since I was 14 (I am 25 now) and I JUST now feel like I can say I’ve mastered this. This is after years of wearing wigs on and off, keeping it under braids, big chopping about 3 times, perming my edges, and I can say that getting used to playing with, manipulating and caring for your hair is a PRACTICE until it becomes second nature. I could open a natural hair beauty salon with everything I know now. I am an absolute PRO at taking care of my hair and can do absolutely any style that you could think of, and that is SOOOO liberating and for lack of a better word, sexy, to me. Unless I lose my hands in a freak accident ya girl is set for life and I am so happy I am here. I just want all (or at least most) black women to get here. You’re right, you can’t be lazy about our hair but I’m so happy that I never have to rely on anyone to do my hair or worry about the state of my hair in a pandemic.

[@watchyamouth22]

Okay mama you have time some people don’t

[@Gigilovehugs]

it took me years to accept the natural state of my hair. i did the big chop 3 times, so i used to dislike my hair now i emprace my puffiness:) unfortunately we have been taught to hate our hair and we usually are caring about what society and what the opposite sex may think of our hair. also we just need to learn how to manage our hair. water is our hair best friend most of the time i wet my hair it curl up and i run out the door. also conditioner is our hair best friend

[@justagirl248]

I love this discussion. More, more and more. Love all the women who chimed in. Thank you Kim!!!

[@125loopy]

For me, relaxed hair did take longer to style lol. But that's only because I have fine hair and straight hair looks awful on me. I had to curl my hair all the time. With my natural hair, I just do 4 big plaits and fluff them out the next day lol. All these women were so beautiful and funny!

[@Talisa3636]

Same for me! My goal was to have the thick strands but instead I have dense, fine hair lol. I feel like my natural is easier especially now that I know my hair porosity.

[@zol2415]

Me too. My hair looks terrible when it's straight/relaxed. I had to curl it or put magnetic rollers in it just so it could have some volume. I did end up spending a lot of time doing those things.

[@shellygarland8766]

me too!

[@thatblvckhippie1911]

Agreed. My hair is thick (box braids take DAYS on me) but I hate how straight hair looks on me.

[@ethanschatz3219]

This was amazing!!!! lol I'm just a a gay white jew from philadelphia but I really love your videos!! Listening to these womens experiences made me realize that there are a lot of connections between hair and power and wealth. Hair has always been a signifier of wealth and identity. I find myself deeply resenting my thin hair and fearing balding like my dad.

[@jrr7031]

Glad you enjoyed yourself, nothing wrong with getting info from 1st hand sources.

[@iNtando1]

I didn't know so many other South African women watch For Harriet too 😍🇿🇦

[@nonozulu]

She's amazing. She doesn't make senseless rants. Her opinion is just refreshing. I'm also surprised that I'm not the only SAn who watches her.

[@tobekai]

The key to 4c hair is to keep it stretched. Locs, braids & twists were made for us.

[@AslanNotYoshi]

It was painful and it was honest ❤️🙌🏽

[@Zeldarw104]

Yes. Yes. Yes. My whole life....😑

[@NicknameAarie]

When I "went natural". I wasn't necessarily on a journey. I was tired of the burn from perms and a as a college student I realized I didn't have to get a perm anymore so I didn't. The challenges I had with quitting perms definitely came from black women, natural black women, and old black men. I remember I had my hair in a bantu knot out for a semi formal event. Thinking I was cute...until a co-worker said "aren't you leaving early to get your hair done?". And I was surprised by the question. It hurt and it still happens. But I LOVE my hair. I love swapping advice with other women. It's a science experiment that I can do over and over until I find the best methods for me. I feel like I look cuter when its in a twistout/braid out. My face is bright, my smile is bigger. I look... natural. I don't think it takes long after you get your specific science experiment figured out. Then it becomes routine. My advice. Find one hairstyle that works for you and is easy. Diversity is cool but I'm too lazy for that. If my hair is out and I have to do it. It's in 2 twists, a braid out, or twist out

[@LoveSierraAnastasia]

Only thing I want to add about women with long hair "preying" on insecurities when selling products is that most people don't want to buy products from someone that does not fit their ideal. This happens a lot with advertisement across many markets. Sadly I don't think many people with shorter hair not perfectly twisted out etc. would do well with selling hair care. So you have to be careful with understanding how insecurities are a product of media and advertisements and how it also drives it.

[@tyem4810]

ok so i’m obsessed with the first girl who joined the live

[@Listen2me400]

It takes more time, let’s not deceive ourselves. Took me five (5) hours to do some twists (not mini). Just saying.

[@senoracheapee1864]

D S and that’s why I have a mild relaxer🤷🏽‍♀️ it still has a kinky appearance and it’s also easy to straiten. I was natural for 15 years and so sick of spending hours on hair. I started to wear wraps but it started taking out my edges. Once I started considering wigs I said F that. Ima get a perm 🤷🏽‍♀️ but it took me 2 years to get a perm because I struggled with feelings of shame for giving up on my natural hair. Ugghhh! It should not be this deep- but it is

[@Listen2me400]

Señora Cheapee You have to please self, not others.

[@mrs.potatohead8471]

it's difficult for YOU to manage, it doesn't mean it's the same for everyone else. Your experience isn't representative for all black females. We're not a monolith. Admit that you don't know how to do your hair and go. Like stop spreading this narrative; I'm tired of all the negativity surrounding 4C hair.

[@Listen2me400]

Mrs.Potato Head I absolutely Love my natural hair. I always wanted curly hair, but until I went natural I didn’t know what was underneath that relaxer, however, I find it more challenging but I wouldn’t change it because I love my curls. I do wash and goes mostly (which is much easier for me ) but twistouts, I’m working on, they take longer, too long I guess I’m just not use to doing it, but I do like the fact that I can twist it up and let it be. I don’t have to take it out. I wash my hair once a week and deep condition, clip the ends when needed and everything else, but it’s not fun, but because I no longer want a relaxer I will do what it takes to keep my hair healthy.

[@CelestialSleuth]

I have 4c hair. When I had loose natural hair, it was so tightly coiled, I couldn't do most of the natural hairstyles I'd see- and I couldn't even start to manipulate it without spending a ridiculous amount of time and money on products. the maintenance it took was too much for my taste. I ended up getting locs- turns out my hsir isn't the easiest to straighten or section, but it's excellent at locking. I love my hair for once❤ and I spend the least amount of time on my hair than I ever have, which fits my lifestyle. Plus, I can still do multiple styles since I got smaller/micro locs. Unfortunately it did take me a while to figure out what personally works for me. Even with the reties every 6 weeks (I do myself), installation and training costs to learn to retie, the return on my investment is insane 🤓 Everybody has got to find something that works for their style and lifestyle- whatever that nay be for them. There's no one size fits all. Texlax, relax, loose natural, whatever works is the best! 🤓

[@ThisIzSeanie]

That first caller was EVERYTHING!!!! Loved her comments!

[@ad2094]

I started to psych myself into thinking of my hair as low maintenance by reflecting on how much time everything else takes. Overall body; showering at least once a day, lotion, shaving, deodorant, perfume. Face, wash and moisturize everyday and a daily regimen. Teeth, wash multiple times everyday. So in comparison my hair that I touch once every two weeks is pretty chill 😅

[@Noir_Marie]

I have 4c hair and I felt the same way until I rid myself of the pressure to have curly natural hair with the slick edges. When I wear my hair it might take me a little over an hour to wash and style. I completely shaved my head two years ago and Iove my hair now!!!

[@Noir_Marie]

I’m also big on doing protective styles every few months. (Wigs, braids, etc.)

[@littleeva]

I think one of the problems is that we black women for the most part were never taught, as children, how to do and manage our hair in its natural state. My mother put a relaxer on my head at a very young age, which was what happened in the 1960's. So I grew up not even knowing my own hair, until I was a teenager in the 70's when people started going natural. For some reason black people went backwards when it came to hair. I think we'd be better off if we learned at a young age, how to take care of our hair in its natural state.

[@marcbatista3975]

Not being able to grow your hair long is a problem for women of every race so don't carry that baggage!