Bill Burr - Advice: Goddamn Ex-Girlfriend

billburr.com/ and www.allthingscomedy.com/

[@rminitials]

That hitting on a girl that's way beyond your league analogy is brilliant.

[@hipnhappenin]

I love how Bill is so blunt and loud and aggressive, yet you can tell he wants to give the best advice and he empathizes with the writer. He never condescends and never forces his ideals. He doesn't dwell on the why but just gives advice you can actually act on to better yourself. I really respect Bill.

[@verypoliticalhonkey2666]

Bill condescends all the time.

[@kfgrip]

I found out my wife was cheating on me I didnt say a word.She went to work I MOVED OUT.She found out where My new places was(probably followed me from my work)and was knocking on y door I opened the window and told her if she does NOT leave I WILL call the COPS.I also told her if she comes to my work I will call the cops.I filed for divorce,and was sad at first BUT she threw 21 years of marriage out the FUCKING window.Why because she was bored??I Dont know I dont care she cheated NOW SHES GONE.

[@adegiare]

Poparod Cassidy I know it is 5 years later but you handled this great. Nothing is forever, its either cheating or death that seperates a couple. Enjoy the good times while it lasts and be willing to lose her.

[@ampmri2434]

Good on you.

[@saadalkuwari4090]

Why doesn't he teach women studies in a college or a university. People need his knowledge.

[@Yoman1289]

He's too busy teaching men's studies on youtube.

[@isaiahjames93]

Its comedic value, so yes people do need this. You imbecile.

[@nocturnalferalguitarist]

Right on, great advice. I went through something similar to the guy who wrote in.

[@victorledezma6652]

Because College doesn’t allow for reality. Only snowflake emotional based pseudo science social studies.

[@iandander2473]

I was a fool and answered the calls and texts. I was then used in a 'friends with benefits' thing for a bit. It was killing me inside and I finally just had enough and confronted her with all of her bullshit. A month later she apologized via e-mail telling me she still cared about me, etc. etc. I knew what she was doing, she was trying to pull me back into the bullshit. I gave her a final ring and told her goodbye forever. She didn't expect that and frantically told me that I could call whenever I wanted, STILL trying to pull me in and I just said 'Bye.' She responded with a hushed bye and stayed on the line, STILL trying to pull me in, expecting me to go 'WAIT!', and I immediately hung up like a boss. DAMN, that felt good! I'm still proud of myself.

[@theotakuranter3665]

You go man

[@imaginationastronaut6568]

GREAT analogy..."When you practice with those that are better than you you smoke people who were in your weight class." I paraphrased but damn that was good

[@theresabollman8061]

She dumped him and broke his heart...walk away and don't look back,

[@johnkelly5156]

I heard you say, at least not today

[@Twisted_utopia]

Never. Ever. Look back

[@leftheodo]

Just ask any man with a decent history with women and he will tell you what you need to know

[@ChathamFireDeptfan]

“How do they know? I don’t know but they’re great at it”😂 lost it there because it’s so true!

[@iprrdm6353]

Bill knows how bitches work.

[@gordanlazinica]

Then you have to go Chris Bosh. This guy is pure gold.

[@Premoose2]

Ex-girlfriends need to go away if they break up with you. "The one that got away" randomly messaged me on facebook about 10 years after she broke it off with me. It brought back all those shitty feeling I had right when she left me. I felt horrible all over again for a couple weeks.

[@Twisted_utopia]

They do that shit on purpose. Just to keep themselves in front of you. Realize this and never, ever, let them see you react or hurt to any of their shit. And don't respond. I did that once, it was a disaster. They just fuck your head up again. It's NEVER WORTH DIGGING IN THE GARBAGE FOR SOMETHING YOU GOT RID OF, AND TRYING TO POLISH IT INTO SOMETHING IT ISN'T.

[@hardluck8732]

I would have text-ed back the first time asking "who is this?"

[@bghetti33]

It sends the perfect message...

[@tougethrasher1764]

+ryan eko u aware?

[@nietzschesmoustache3585]

that's hack

[@hardluck8732]

Nietzsche's Moustache What would have been a better option then?

[@hardluck8732]

***** Well I'm not black

[@mojimojimojimojimoji]

"You cry because youre supposed to" i love that

[@msochist8491]

*Moji loves that*

[@xXxBurnerable]

Found out today that one of my closest friends which I've known for over 10 years has gotten together with my ex which broke my heart 10 months ago. I'm feeling great, at least I know I was wrong about her & his character so it's way easier to let go. Careful who you share time with, you never know their real intentions.

[@malcolmnicoll1165]

"Awe fuck, I knew it!" Priceless!

[@KerayZ]

Contacting an ex really is a dick move. My ex called me after we'd been separated for 2 years and he knew I wanted to get back together the last time we talked. So he called me and talked to me for hours, small talk at first, but also talked about how I was the world to him and shit. It really fucked me up because I was finally getting over him, then the call really confused me and gave me false hope because he ignored me after that.

[@Marcara081]

Thus bill explains the cycle of violence throughout each generation.

[@rickg8015]

'Go Bill Bixby, get a backpack..' Hilarious! Bill should put out an album called Mindfucked...

[@Twisted_utopia]

Once she's gone, that's it. The car never feels the same after someone else has been driving it.

[@micahpayne220]

So you only date virgins then

[@eriklakeland3857]

Micah Payne the saying for relationships I’ve heard for not getting back with an ex is: “don’t reheat your leftovers”

[@hokagedlo6133]

@@micahpayne220 its not a phrase about sex stop reaching lady

[@micahpayne220]

@@hokagedlo6133 no it's about a girl's atmosphere or personality changing by being around another man. I say so what, if you're cooler than that dude then she'll be fine. Swallow that ego you controlling fuck. But there are some dumb bitches out there looking for some stupid intangibles in men. I'm a guy btw and a huge Burr fan

[@GhostOfZion]

Wow, this advice was exactly what I needed. Thank you Bill Burr you bastard

[@mightymoeish]

That advice about playing out of your league was great!

[@joshualeija9984]

I love bill’s laughter 😂💯

[@kicknadeadcat]

Bill is like dear Abby for degenerates

[@kristoamadeus4441]

that's perfect

[@chrisnolter2564]

This is totally my situation I’m in and I’m getting out of it I listened to bills advice and it worked. Thank you bill burr :)

[@kathiebeasley6179]

bill burr...you are great. thanks for being you and sharing that with us.

[@Jordan-uc3rk]

Thank you Dr. Bill

[@tnaf4950]

Bill u talk like a real friend.. thx

[@josephmbarron]

Love that analogy at the end

[@PhDTracyWalker]

Damn that "outta your league" advice was the best thing I ever heard.

[@tattoocharlie551]

Best advice ever !

[@supershady2168]

Thanks Bill

[@mondoprime]

This is exactly my situation. Great advice.

[@emtec2111]

well done sir!

[@hitlerscow]

That makes perfect sense Bill and it was an excellent analogy. I never thought of it that way! Thanks!

[@larrykleist1295]

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System!

[@facelessandnameless]

Larry Kleist 😅😂

[@maxwellcatlett3653]

And then your friend uses the MAC system.

[@Leelicious1312]

Word!!

[@Leelicious1312]

@@maxwellcatlett3653 frank system all the way

[@ttolmbrftttwtbopat]

exactly why I did it. she was obviously planning for the eventual questions that would come from our break-up. She was planning on saying" it just didn't work out" and I would blame myself and be agonizing about how I lost a great girl. She is cunning, but not as smart as I am. I rained on her parade and she is pissed. It is very hard to get concrete proof of infidelity. Because of what I have the judge may make her pay my legal bills and give me alimony. Win one for the boys!!!

[@eriklakeland3857]

Jesus you must’ve found some pretty serious dirt. I hope the judge agreed

[@TMDubb]

4:25 big facts!!!! I needed to hear that

[@loves2litigate]

My ex recently reached out to me on social me. Telling from her profile pic, she would appeared to be happily married with her new love. My question is, why and what is her intention on reaching out to me in being her friend or maintaining communication. I am just not interested and it seems too late to salvage anything we had.

[@cccpredarmy]

don't even ask yourself such questions. judging from all those stories and my own experience there is only one thing that is clear: they are all fucked up in the head. sad but true. we should learn to live with it. we can't change it.

[@Gofaw]

I wonder what Bill would think about an ex sending random memes and time wasting messages just days after a breakup

[@uenmm4745]

They are in to tarot and stuff like that, thats how they know! They are keeping track of your emotions with divination techniques!

[@GMPGMP-jp5ut]

Ryan Reynolds said it best in the movie Waiting. "When it comes to women, either they don't sleep with you and then there's no reason to ever call them again, or they do sleep with you and there's no reason to ever call them again." Words to live by.

[@ceejayc6502]

so now i have listened to 4 of these and you literally give advice? the angriest (and funniest, i know) guy i know and you are giving relationship advice? then I here you with your girl and you guys are all cute and loving... what the hell happened!!!! :)

[@AttorneyK]

You did the right thing brother.

[@ttolmbrftttwtbopat]

You think you will. But when something like this happens, how you deal with it will show what kind of person you really are.

[@billzco6137]

i had a similiar story..went out with a gal for a couple years......broke my heart one day when she cut it off....i tried to work it out for a few weeks...was only feeling worse every day...till i said fuck it....u know how to find me if u want me .....5 months later....she calls me out the blue saying i dont know what happen to u....you stopped talking to me...i havent heard from u.....i was like yea you broke up with me..remember? ..thats what happens when people break up....and i basically said fuck off without saying the word fuck...and it felt sweet

[@Rudog47]

Bill has an awesome fuckin way of laying things out.

[@dillonbgray]

3:17 he said "doo doo" 😂

[@paulsacamano]

5:32 haha thats great advice

[@razmeanie4519]

I once called a girl I dumped about 4 months later. I apologized for any shitty way I treated her, thanked her for the good times and that was it. We never spoke again. I don't think it's always a bad move, but maybe she didn't care. Whatever

[@joemendoza2292]

Same happened to me 30 years ago. I found out she was out with other guys and decided to end it with me once I found out. I got the "I'm not IN love anymore" line. Of course she calls me 3 months later after I was basically over her as Bill said. We got back together after 3 months of not talking .I didn't chase her or beg her to stay when we spilt up. We spent all night together. When I called her the next day after I took her home, I got the "I was wrong about us" line and then she hung up on me. It was symbolic because she never hung up on me in the entire 2+ years we were dating previously. Then she shows up again at my job 3 years later (have no idea how she knew where I worked or what I was driving as this was before social media). She must have been stalking my house to see my new car and possibly followed me to work. Remember this was 3 years later. I pretty much told her that since she couldn't forgive me for some dumb shit 4 years earlier, she needed to leave me alone. That was the last face to face meeting we ever had and that was 27 years ago. I found out about 16 years later that she got back together with her high school boyfriend that she got pregnant by a few months before I had met her (whole other long story). She had two more kids with him and then he left her for a coworker he was having an affair with for 2 years. They had just bought a house less than a year earlier too. About a year after they divorced, he died in his maybe late 30's So now she gets no child support. She's the type that jumps from guy to guy and ended up marrying another piece of work after being with 3-4 more guys after the divorce. Her oldest daughter has nothing to do with her now. While I don't take joy in others misfortune, it does go to show that sometimes the best thing you can do is let them walk away. I've been married to a wonderful woman for over 21 years now. The moral to the story? While God does answer all prayers, sometimes the answer is"no". Sometimes in life, you get the test first, then the lesson later . I look back and it makes complete sense now why it needed to end. Be happy for today and screw the past.

[@gj173]

Can someone explain the Chris Bosh reference for this young NBA head.

[@jamesg7133]

“How the fuck do broads know when you’re finally getting over them and that they should get a hold of you and make you feel like shit again”👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 bravo my friend. Currently going through this now lmao well said

[@ericsigginssr]

I fart blood

[@bowtiesarerad]

After I broke up with a girl, she tried to visit me at my college. She stood outside my window looking up and wondered why my shades were down. Even after I moved back home and changed my number, she would still leave very angry and threatening messages on my Facebook and AIM (just so I wouldn't forget her existence and how awful of a person she is) over a period of several months.

[@jayrperiod]

damn dude you're cold as ice

[@manbearpig738]

I'v had so many ex girlfriends pull this shit iv always just ignored them.. except for one and that turned out to be a big mistake.

[@joshualeija9984]

Oh fuck I knew it. 😂

[@merrychristmas1022]

mind fucker lol

[@Winniethepoo1998]

jee

[@garymaccagnone3669]

No reason to cry.

[@likaboss7654]

You don’t need to change your number unless she’s texting and calling from multiple different numbers. You can simply block her and it’s all good.

[@wanderinginthewoods_sam]

"OH FUCK! I knew it! I fucking knew it!" This part made me laugh so hard. I hate when ex's will text you when things are going well for you. It such a mind fuck of a situation. Never answer texts from ex's. Never. Not even if they were a good fuck. Trust me on this. Just keep moving along. I'm a woman here. I don't hate my own sex, but there's some straight up bitches out there. And my ex did this to me too. He kept me, so I couldn't move on, he wanted me all to himself, even though he was cheating on me behind my back. That's what I found hilarious. I ended up ghosting him and blocking him because I got tired of his shit. It goes both ways. I'm so glad Bill Burr was straight up with this dude. I seriously hope he never went back to that girl. All they will do, is fuck with your heart more. It's brutal.

[@thatguyfromthe8057]

Literally PERFECT this man gets it, this man is a GOD

[@BoomboomSTIX21]

The laugh at @1:30 always gets me

[@aj200415]

Did Bill record this in an abandoned parking garage? That echo.....

[@ramone2185]

That's PART of the reason why I exercise. With a fit body, no girl should be "out of my league."

[@johnboylan3832]

Haha, you must have a face like a pepperoni pizza.

[@sarvarmirkhalilov1307]

Bill is god damn expert

[@Gobackto4chan]

Sarvar Mirkhalilov you should check out Patrice O’Neal. He was something of Bills mentor and had great KZbin clips on relationships.

[@sarvarmirkhalilov1307]

@@Gobackto4chan thanks dude, will do

[@paigehammond6752]

My brother is doing this shit right now to his ex. Being sweet to her, being intimate, then telling her it means nothing to him and that he doesn’t like her but yet logged into her social media account, deleted other men, and set her profile to private. Will ignore her and blow her off until she finds out she’s out with her girlfriends or another dude. He’s constantly mind screwing her. Drives me nuts. Other than that he’s a pretty good kid and I love him death but I want to strangle him for being so creepy.

[@beardedsawyer6322]

Its his dick that are making these moves, not him.

[@lars-akechesburg9911]

suus

[@Surfer_Jay]

Block her from yr phone.. move on! NEXT!

[@nghermit4922]

Best thing to do, reply and say sorry, I just got this number, I’m not sure who this is...

[@k.compton8995]

It's the worst

[@kfgrip]

Trying to go for a dramatic effect to show her I found out what she was doing.I made my point to her,as far as she knew when she left for her job,everything was fine.Imagine coming home to a SEMI empty house?Plus realistically the way the laws are set up I would probably been made to leave ANYWAY.This way no lawyer or COPS telling me to vacate,it was MY DECISION period!That saying "Why?Because fuck you thats why!" comes to mind when I think of how I left her!

[@user-pq3ll4qu4f]

.

[@talksick508]

I went a year without contacting my ex Very toxic and more than I thought Anyways I was threatened by a psycho she would message my ex So I messaged her to warn her She started flirting Lasted a week She disappeared and we established just friends Sucks tho still on my mind Lmao fuck

[@66ott7]

change your number. its easy. Just send a text to all your friends your new number.

[@runakinsley3450]

3:25 - You're not being a sexist moron Bill, you're just not a straight woman.