Please Hate These Things

These are the worst things
shout out to Dina Holland @honeyandfitzfor creating this abomination
/ pleasehatethesethings
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[@rohangarg2468]

Whos been waiting for this since seeing Jarvis's story

[@catchild1013]

I didn't see it

[@enxebre3436]

Me

[@catchild1013]

@@enxebre3436 not me

[@dumbasswithinternetconnect1611]

GOLD!!!

[@birchwood5889]

Not moi

[@jonathanshaw3250]

I’m so confused, he’s a little bit goofier here, but where’s his La Croix?

[@worstusernameintheworld9871]

isn't that Drew Gooden's third channel?

[@vancebruges1417]

you mean Cody’s fifth channel?

[@ErrSid]

You mean Danny's second channel.

[@person.probably]

Maybe the La Croix was inside him all along...

[@kylesunshine2731]

I knew there was something missing

[@pumpkinofglory]

The countertop to tub stairs are obviously for your cat.

[@javierrodrigo1009]

As if my cat ever needed a stair to just jump right into the countertop

[@pumpkinofglory]

@@javierrodrigo1009 It's to accommodate older kitties who can't jump so well anymore.

[@hippopajamas]

Catch me installing stairs to all the counters my cats arent supposed to be on when they get old, tbh.

[@evilxcandy]

That’s what I was thinking!

[@sarah_7777]

I thought it was for candles/flowers or something like that :)

[@evasofia8624]

Not Jarvis saying “why have a light in front of your window” like nighttime is something that doesn’t exist

[@amtie97]

Lmfao

[@nancyharb3243]

I was straight up looking for this comment because that was the first thing I thought too 😂

[@MamaMOB]

Thank you! I thought the same thing. Every kitchen I’ve ever had had a light right in front of the window. All like 4 of them!

[@realnookes6482]

yeah, but why in front? Like during the day, won't that just be an obstruction? there must be a better place for it right

[@Wet-Milk]

theres so much better places for a light tho

[@CatchThesePaws]

This feels like laughing with a close friend at dumb shit during a sleepover and I love it

[@christopherminutolo9384]

Where it's like 2am where everything is funny

[@TPNsBiggestFan]

@@christopherminutolo9384 oh, so maybe wattpad comments aren’t as funny as i think, i just read wattpad at 1-6 am. yeah it sometimes lasts that long-

[@daynah.1931]

@@TPNsBiggestFan a

[@shiannafoxx]

@@TPNsBiggestFan Uh ok???

[@bottleofcrackers2087]

Honestly this entire channel is like that, it's so good 😭

[@DPadGamer]

What if the kitchen podium has four functioning drawers but they are all triangles to fit the space.

[@hyper_lagomorph1046]

i think that if i saw triangle shaped drawers i would die on the spot

[@tereruggiu]

big brain time

[@danieldinisfernandes8614]

Huh i didn t think to see you here

[@Papapop]

calm down satan

[@jarvis]

i like this song

[@thatplane3865]

broke: jail cell house woke: foot bed house

[@AmandaPanda531]

now imagine a foot bed in the jail cell

[@spicycherrymilk9058]

@@AmandaPanda531 your mind is too powerful

[@AmandaPanda531]

@@spicycherrymilk9058 the world isnt ready

[@thehillisalive]

I saw this comment before finishing the video and EVEN THEN I wasn't ready

[@shaneilhillier9590]

Bespoke: foot bed jail cell house

[@ThatBlondePerson]

I really loved the split moment of fear when Jarvis realized he couldn't name an Audrey Hepburn movie off the top of his head.

[@ThatBlondePerson]

1:58 what's that meme called where it's 4 images of a confused woman with math equations overlayed onto them???

[@shinossaura]

"Meme da Nazaré", it's a brazillian meme

[@BojoPigeon]

Something I've heard people say on KZbin: "Don't worry kids, once you're out of high school, you'll *never* use algebra again." Consequence of taking this statement to heart: The sink at 3:56.

[@EpiphanyDraws]

the worst thing about that sink is that it would take less space to just put it in normally.

[@KawaiiKlau]

That bed looks... Toes..Ty.... Heh ..........

[@pennyw2226]

Toe tally gross

[@spicycherrymilk9058]

🚪👈🏾

[@bodaciousdoggo8971]

Get the hell out. 🚪

[@3starsburningbright]

You watch Jarvis. Wow. Hi.

[@purllow]

HELP

[@barondoggobalfour3648]

every time he says "it is free" it's like he's trying to convince me am I secretly being charged while watching these videos

[@JustAskMeTV101]

It doesn't have a cost... in money

[@catchild1013]

@@JustAskMeTV101 it has a value ... In Jarvis time

[@Loifey]

He only charge rubies

[@ilonachan]

Sorry random internet person, I can't _give_ credit! Come back when you're a little more, mmmmm...... *PREMIUM*

[@toxicity3715]

It just eats your soul bit by bit

[@ooobuggie8760]

"Why do the toes look like they're playing piano?" And then my drink came out my nose

[@BiggerinRealLife]

The false drawers made me SO MAD. they do in general, but that podium wasn’t even trying to make them look legit.

[@crimsonwolf96]

That lamp looks like a working design for villainous minions for Spy Kids 3.

[@3bugsinatrenchcoat]

there's 4 spy kids movies

[@spartanipods]

My first thought upon seeing that was, "Did Woody and a Thumb Thumb have a kid?"

[@meganbruce41]

Imagine having to sleep in the same room as it and in a half asleep state you see it and absolutely crap yourself

[@caffeinatedkatie4696]

I think it looks like someone trying to hide but failing horribly

[@mayamsherer6941]

When he says “ceiling fan” so many times that you notice his ceiling fan fully rotating in the background for the rest of the video....

[@rebeccat7912]

It took me so long to find it but, when I did, I couldn’t stop watching it

[@xillianbro]

Jarvis:”But you know what?” AD: “You are not defined by you multiple relapsing sclerosis”

[@kJrupp]

Gun fan Father: " hey kids who wants to play dodge the bullets?" Kids: "we do" Father: "OK" turns on gun fan

[@noraaaaa]

here for that premium content

[@JoeSmith_1]

S

[@monke-xp6gg]

Yep

[@Russia_Moscow_countryhuman]

Eeeee

[@DrSoup._.]

We all are.

[@catchild1013]

Fancy 🧐

[@Laura_Luminous]

I think that "depression zone" next to the bath tub is actually a drying zone. You fill it up with cat litter and then you just stand there until all the water has dripped off of you. Simple.

[@brooket8068]

and if ur in a rush just spin in circles for a bit

[@baileec496]

All while your neighbors watch

[@lucajesseapel6485]

I read that as "crying zone" and thought ah yes, that makes perfect sense

[@someonenotsomeone8450]

Don't forget to get the really fine dust-like cat litter! The more cat litter that gets embedded into your skin=better quality drying. It also doubles as a scrub if you feel like it!

[@KetchupRocket]

@@someonenotsomeone8450 just like a chinchilla!

[@GippyHappy]

This Jarvis is a lot more giggly than usual. I am grateful, for the laughter fills my heart with joy.

[@avery_big_knobhead3683]

This gives me, you’re spending the night at your friends house and your looking at a crazy Instagram page. Vibes

[@supershrimp9274]

would low-key vibe with the giant hands if they didn't have such a strange pattern. like being held and cuddled by a giant who doesn't want to crush you so they just use their hands, maybe I'm just desperate for human contact.

[@ewu..]

why is this also me,, 🥺

[@OGimouse1]

You should get a mattress warmer and an electric blanket. Lay between both. If you need more pressure, weighted blanket on top of electric blanket. You're welcome.

[@romywhite290]

Also, giant slap fights with friends. Flipping people off. The possibilities probably end but I don't know where.

[@emch2vy]

guys you can just buy an anime dakimakura

[@roadworkahead1668]

i agree tbh, the idea itself isn't that bad but the pattern is atrocious

[@Jacooblay]

Adults: Nothing is free. Jarvis: no

[@siblinghoodsys]

++

[@sillytransfemm]

Lol

[@vizthex]

I gotta *hand* it to them, those pillows are certainly unique.

[@caroliner.7628]

And that foot bed is toe-tally unique

[@floraidhfinnie4906]

@@caroliner.7628 ... I don’t know what to say lol

[@plantyt3246]

Man this comment and the first reply are so punny!

[@TheWatercolourNymph]

idk why but I pictured someone crawling up the stairs out of that tub in the green bathroom and Gollum squatting on the counter to use the sink

[@AbbyDishongh]

Absolutely 100% what I was thinking too LMFAOOOOO!!

[@charbach7491]

alternative title: jarvis giggles at his own jokes for 13 minutes

[@ursulap.6722]

He seemed high af, lol

[@markus5120]

Shut up it’s cute

[@hyuckhyuck]

@@markus5120 dude chill.

[@markus5120]

@@hyuckhyuck I am chill dude

[@hyuckhyuck]

@@markus5120 mhm.. Sureeeeee

[@jasper3706]

The elevated bathroom looks like something somebody built after the sims platform update

[@theoldpea1]

XD

[@KotaBearclaw]

Was thinking the same thing

[@spartanipods]

I actually kind of like the elevated bathroom. I'm dead serious.

[@hailey_the_ace_of_hearts4127]

@@spartanipods it was pretty but very confusing and pointless, ya know?

[@ShallowVA]

I was gonna say a lot of these rooms look like something I would build in the sims by accident

[@raminrashid804]

Imagine all these were in the same house and there's a zombie apocalypse and they just start grabbing their guns from these obscure spaces.

[@rquinain]

God, Jarvis saying that extra awkward "it is free" at the beginning of every Gold video gives me so much questionable serotonin

[@vhs3760]

my mind automatically puts all these fails in the same house

[@dxhyunjin]

Same

[@alastorbutwithagun]

especially the guns

[@smeliot2862]

hand pillows on foot bed..... hmm

[@ratlsd]

GoFundMe for Jarvis to get ownership of this house so that he can have all the in-unit dishwashers he needs

[@Wodsobe]

Yeah, same here lol

[@123julia5]

Jarvis: Audrey Hepburn... after finishing a long day of... filming... *tries to think of an Audrey Hepburn movie* ...on set...

[@ErinLastNameRedacted]

Well if he was trying to think of a 1920s movie she was in...

[@sharayahsolomon9653]

Haha I thought the same

[@rogue-lemon]

5:19 You'd hate the false pockets they put on every woman's jeans. Same experience. Go to put something in your pocket only to learn you have been deceived

[@tardybloomer]

the interior design of my sims houses:

[@StormgemThunder]

Jarvis: Why are there so many guns!? **This is America intensifies**

[@anonymous_idontreplylmaous72]

*Laughs In russian*

[@unsubscribedanimation]

@Michelle Yan America bad many guns no healthcare lots oppression.

[@lordofcows8529]

lol!!!!! good one!!!!😂😂🤣🙂🤣🙂🙂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣🤣😂😂🙂

[@unsubscribedanimation]

@Kawaii Kandy As an American, I can criticize my own country for it's failings, but when I see a Brittish "person" speak ill of it, my blood runs red, white and blue./j

[@floraidhfinnie4906]

@Kawaii Kandy *plays bagpipe in scottish* lol ur not much better

[@pmonday]

And now the foot bed and the hand pillows will get married and have babies whose horrific nature I don't even care to speculate on.

[@mayaaa3932]

STOOOOOOOP

[@gurlwelovemusic]

The kitchen ones is like an un-experienced builder in the Sims 4😂

[@shelbybee]

My favorite part of the video was the moment when Jarvis clearly struggles to think of one (1) Audrey Hepburn movie and came up completely blank. 10/10 great recovery

[@emeraldschmemrald]

I don’t want to seem like a weirdo, but I’m seriously considering an attempt at recreating those hands and putting them in my guest bedroom.

[@yea4309]

As an intimidation tactic on your guests?

[@traditionalnative]

Seriously, please do. I'd take a tutorial

[@spammusubi1607]

Please do it! I imagine the reactions would be hilarious

[@emeraldschmemrald]

Tell you guys what! If I do it, I will link a tutorial here 🤗

[@timetravelingpenguin]

Please do, that sounds hilarious

[@the_test013]

The hand pillows simulate the feeling of sleeping with the spy kids guard guys 😭

[@blemsed]

thumb thumb body pillow 😫🥵💦‼️

[@aliciawatson9169]

Omg 💀 😭

[@stardoogalaxie9314]

@@blemsed hows it feel to be the smartest and most valid person in human history?

[@katherineelizabeth7177]

Jarvis giggling uncontrollably at things makes my entire day

[@sethburaglio413]

2:24 “It’s so normal” “There’s no weird patterns” “Everything is mostly white”

[@LiquidLetti]

i always have depression in my bathroom. it may not be below-ground depression, but its a good start.

[@hardy_har]

"Aubrey Hepburn": Breakfast at Tiffany's starring Drake confirmed.

[@SaltedRain]

When Jarvis said "Free" I remembered that one ad that's like: Free? Free Free Free.

[@dotmp4353]

Oh god no

[@lableurose1747]

The peacock ad 🤦‍♀️

[@diyabalan8407]

@@lableurose1747 pretty sure it's the turbotax ad

[@thinBillyBoy]

3:50 Jarvis. You can use the lamp when it's nighttime.

[@Sandtalon]

“I need something is the world I don’t take seriously” is such a mood

[@Hey_Jamie]

The comment would have worked better if it were “That bathroom’s acute”

[@e2b265]

That’s what it was, Jarvis was just too much of an IDIOT to realize he was saying it wrong.

[@jasmineflowers3000]

Alternatively: That’s acute bathroom

[@dr.k8610]

@@jasmineflowers3000 that’s what it said, Jarvis read it wrong. What a g o o f

[@enchantedisopod4017]

Or “that’s acute bathroom”

[@e2b265]

@@dr.k8610 What a clown! Unlike us, KZbin commenters.

[@littleconnormcd]

12:19 I'M CACKLING

[@kodiakarmstrong7693]

I don't need a below ground depression, I already have above ground depression

[@supervegito8340]

“If you don’t have below ground depression in your bathroom” unfortunately I only have depression. Nothing below ground about it

[@acreativename7999]

*the mole people are saddened*

[@supervegito8340]

@@acreativename7999 trust me so am i

[@MsKJackson831]

How about having depression and wishing I was 6ft below ground? Eh... close enough🤷🏽‍♀️

[@shaggyshangle2130]

Fun fact: Jarvis has a ceiling fan

[@jaclynduellman5126]

Now that I notice it, it’s so distracting

[@frenchiestfry9045]

This is so not fun

[@swathithebagel]

*shocked*

[@o_limie_cosplay_o]

@@jaclynduellman5126 same

[@abol6906]

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU

[@thethreemuskateens4674]

I love how genuinely happy Jarvis seems in this video, I'm glad he's doing better

[@CallUNexTuesday]

The staircase to a toilet had me straight up rolling. "Whist I produce waste from my posterior I shall have the high ground in case of attack!"

[@PossiblyAlena]

Me: you wanna catch these hands? Them: let’s go dude **proceeds to have a pillow fight with giant pillow hands**

[@sorv_gvl]

The "Goooooold" always gets me

[@catchild1013]

It's clearly for premium users that only premium users get. It's part of the experience

[@Vampress09]

His laugh is so dorky but in a wholesome way.

[@Tidepool4]

3:20. Imaging stubbing your toe on the tip of the appliance triangle

[@kaipark1649]

Jarvis is the only KZbinr whose physical state hasn't degraded during quarantine.

[@antiantiderivative]

Jarvis cannot decay, he can only grow stronger until he reaches his final form.

[@frosty_teacup]

@@antiantiderivative this... _isn't_ his final form?

[@antiantiderivative]

@@frosty_teacup only when he gets Jarvis Johnson! GOLD on a gold KZbin plaque does it start

[@tiredtopaz1842]

@@frosty_teacup who’s that Pokémon?!

[@Babycat42069]

I mean jacksepticeye got jacked over quarantine haha

[@jasonpetty881]

3:15 you've heard of a kitchen island, that's a kitchen peninsula

[@Jo-yk6oz]

6:23 - For when you want to shoot the shit.

[@LevantQueen]

This deserves more appreciation

[@moonblinked]

"Jarvis Johnson's Favorite Scent: Jack Douglass" and "Enemy #1: 5 Minute Crafts" are the best credits lol

[@aday4evr]

As someone who sleeps with twenty pillows already, I would buy those hands if they came in a different fabric.

[@hickyxnicky411]

same!

[@alastorbutwithagun]

velvet hands

[@paedenmatson3354]

same though

[@ricklominguez168]

Its the fucking pattern that makes them weird. I would actually get one if they where white or just a flat color.

[@campbellruggles6227]

​@@alastorbutwithagun i make velvet ones check my website www.campbellruggles.com and i take custom orders:)

[@thatalchemistlady]

"Don't make me give a speech on my kitchen podium" holy shit that was funny af

[@tavern2468]

5:59 missed an opportunity to say “you’re just shooting the breeze”

[@tristonloux966]

10:34 imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom and you have to look up at them to make weird eye contact

[@knightobreath]

I would legit buy some of these just because it’s so stupid and weird it’s funny. Like I would totally decorate my living room with a mannequin lamp, hand cushions and a gun ceiling fan. It would weird the fuck out of my guests but it would be hilarious

[@bananasinfrench]

Having one of these would be like having a weird collector's item

[@radicalmallard]

I liked the revolver toilet paper holder, I feel like I’d laugh every time I saw it

[@elbowsbuns1896]

You'd think it's all fun and games until the mannequin scares you at night, bands together with the hands and has access to the gun fan

[@ashtonrose3155]

Yes

[@Lena-xy8id]

I definitely want a mannequin lamp

[@AKayfabe]

I actually really like the green bathroom with the stairs you could use the stairs as storage shelves instead of walking into your countertop. I LOVE that feet bed it’s well sculpted, someone put a lot of effort into making that.

[@cupidsick]

i’ve had nightmares about my furniture having limbs so this was a terrifying trip into the deep recesses of my memory. thanks jarvis!

[@maddiefm1588]

i’ve stumbled to the premium side of youtube

[@catchild1013]

Fancy 🧐

[@roj6895]

ive been here for awhile its nice

[@sharpeningtheaxe]

It is impossible not to be cheered up by Jarvis’s adorable giggling in this video

[@CuttySobz]

Cringe.

[@sharpeningtheaxe]

@@CuttySobz What is cringe about it?

[@raigresham1298]

“No one wants to pee in that position!” ....I need to spend less time on the internet.

[@wallacewallace7485]

The vibes in this video are so fucking impeccable

[@ellelee6912]

I honestly love that green bathroom unironically. The "stairs" seem like shelves for bath items to me!

[@sierraskye913]

Or for a cat to get around, that's the first thing that comes to mind whenever I see steps humans can't really get much use out of

[@spa-peggymeatballs4861]

I would fill those babies with plants. Actually having shelving that’s out of the water a bit more than the ledge of the tub is nice.

[@MissDraiha]

What annoys me is the footprint of the bath is spa-sized, but the actual bathing space is regular-size. Why did they do that?

[@starstuffatsea]

The kitchen podium looks like someone was building in the sims

[@rier8061]

Me using side tables as kitchen islands in sims cause i only have once square of space 😂

[@BirchMonkey857]

I refuse to believe the hand pillows aren't a fetish thing.

[@ameliapaine]

2:47 Well, you see, lamps ARE an enemy in a Nintendo game! In Mother, aka EarthBound Beginnings, the first enemy you fight is a sentient lamp and it kicks off the rest of the game. Jarvis’s intuition is spot on!

[@zilleaxolotl3457]

there's nothing I love more than when Jarvis calls me premium and a voice shouts "goold!" in the background

[@pranavkarmarkar]

I actually dislike that "gooooold" shout but more power to you, fellow premium viewer

[@citrusune]

@@pranavkarmarkar well now I'm curious. why do you dislike it? is there a backstory? has gold Jarvis man wronged you? these are the things I need to know

[@nixasteria]

I feel like someone having these in their house is weird but I also think it would be hilarious to have a hotel with each room being weird af

[@acreativename7999]

You've perfectly described Japanese Love Hotels... yes they're exactly what you think they are

[@clarrytheclam]

5:10 Silly Jarvis, it’s clearly four tiny triangular draws that slot together into the square! ❌

[@AGirlCalledClive]

The excitement on Jarvis’s face explaining the topic made me smile like someone who can create their own serotonin. Ten stars.

[@okjoz]

I love how much Jarvis seems to be enjoying himself in this video

[@mooniedreams]

Some of these just look like someone who doesn’t understand interior design uses platforms in the Sims

[@portxr]

as someone who doesn't understand interior design and uses platforms in the sims i can confirm i would do this

[@onibeebee]

3:44 confirmed that jarvis doesnt know what night time is

[@richatdastkey3555]

jarvis: "I'm looking at houses. pls watch" poor people: "iite, b"

[@arcticdino1650]

"It feels like turning on the lamp might be a little too intimate" Well, if that lamp has a body, you might be "turning on" that lamp in multiple ways. I hate myself for putting this thought out there

[@adrienscrown2079]

I hate that this actually could be the reason they made this lamp lol

[@990doglover]

This video is just Jarvis giving us a tour of his place

[@PBthesquirrel]

7:30 not tiles. Thats laminate, which is worse

[@jvnxiie2441]

8:53 Jarvis, I *AM* the below ground depression in my bathroom

[@shae.2214]

“How much of a petri dish do u want ur toilet to be? -yes.” “It gives ‘ascending to the throne’ a whole new meaning”

[@myrianrose3619]

Does Jarvis know about McMansionHell? I feel like Jarvis would like McMansionHell

[@manslaughter3180]

See, that "depression in your bathroom" is actually a really good thing if you're creating a mini bath (and house) based on a Roman style. Some people found a Roman bath under their floor, refurbished it and started using it. Romans, Greeks and particularly Egyptians had truly incredible architecture, and both Greeks and Romans had an influence on Egyptian architecture later on. Roman baths had intricate mosaics, so did floors of sophisticated houses. I think it's really lovely as a concept, HOWEVER...I have absolutely no freaking clue what the hell is going on in that room. That is so many styles mixed up and it is nonsensical, monotone, it looks like a geometric nightmare... I hate it.

[@saltierthanthepacificocean6304]

jarvis laughing at literally everything is something i want to see everyday

[@catarina8721]

all this photos of the gun related designs are exactly what i imagine kaitlin bennett's house to look like and nobody can convince me otherwise

[@joelong9221]

I’m saving up for Jarvis Johnson Platinum

[@isabellamorfitt841]

The decor is giving Addams family

[@jordannone1817]

Poor Jarvis hated that room so much that he forgot windows don't provide a light source when it's night time.

[@cubespork6928]

the elevated bathroom is to solve the bathroom hierarchy and feel empowered

[@TheReginaldBarris]

That kitchen podium is the most lonely island I've ever seen in a kitchen😥

[@geminaljane]

I really love the spice Donald Glover really added to this episode (he's from Community btw)

[@junoiko.2637]

5:44 rifile gun rat king