Wounding Childhood Messages for each Enneagram Type.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

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[@deborak.9284]

Tipes 1. 2:53 2. 4:21 3. 5:55 4. 7:58 5. 9:40 6. 11:56 7. 13:44 8. 15:58 9. 17:14 Also watch all:)) but if you wanna revise some and have a structure to save time here it is.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

This is awesome! Thanks for doing this!

[@NurseGotGlow]

thank you!! 😍

[@joyanz114]

Types*

[@missy_michaels]

My mother used to ALWAYS say to me, "Stop being so dramatic, Melissa" and "Those who laugh loudest, cry hardest." As you can tell, I'm a 4 who has always been too much. :P

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Ugh. I hate that people think 4s are too much. Your not. You’re inspiring to me. I wish I could just sit with my emotions and feelings and not be so scared of them. Thank you for sharing 💕

[@missy_michaels]

@@enneagramandcoaching Thank you 😄 There are pros and cons to everything. Thanks for taking the time to respond! 💕

[@SparklesNJazz]

YESSSS. me as WELL.

[@Brxwn9]

Omg. Terrible mother

[@beybrain7896]

I’m a 5 my fear of coming across as needy or overbearing makes me afraid of reaching out for help. Also because I spend a ton of time alone to pursue my interests, I struggle with forming friendships and it makes me feel lonely.

[@laurenbarber8579]

I am also a 5 and very much relate to your self-observations

[@andreasomera3153]

I’m the daughter of a 5 and I always wondered why my mom (who is a very loving, kind and gentle person) never wanted to spend any time with me. It was very clear that she would much rather be at home, alone, then to come to my house for a visit or to even go out to lunch or shopping with me. After many decades (and lots of hurt feelings) I finally realized that if I wanted a relationship with her it had to take place on her time and in her house. She was so worried about being overbearing that she took it to the opposite extreme. Just something to think about. I am a 1 and of course have my own issues, which my daughter (a 4) is trying to navigate, I guess it all comes full circle. All the best to you.

[@AChickandaDuck]

“All of them are okay, all of them are right.” Spoken like a true 9. 😜❤️

[@enneagramandcoaching]

😂

[@itsmejulia1]

I'm type 1. My mother has extreme anger issues, amongst other things (she isn't a stable person in general). The slightest mistake (or sometimes even something random) provoked fits of rage, yelling, throwing stuff. She told me she regretted having me, that I was a bully and just trying to make her life worse. Nowadays I understand her anger came from somewhere else, it had nothing to do with me as a person. It still shaped me, it took me so long to get over everything that had done to me. I felt worthless for the longest time in my life. Nowadays I'm trying to prove I can be useful, I can be worth something, I can do things to further humanity. Time has healed most wounds, and now I'm trying to look towards the future.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

I’m sorry. Love that your on the journey of healing and moving forward. That takes courage. Thank you for sharing. People stories are so important. ❤️

[@jun10rbr]

Totally agree with your type 7 description there. As a teenager 7 i got bullied at school for like 3-4 years straight, no friends to protect me, no family, no nothing, totally neglected. My strategy was to distract myself with games and internet. It was really hard for me to trust others again and open up for new experiences and relationships.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Oh, I’m so sorry Gilson. This just breaks my heart for you. Thank you for opening up and sharing 💛

[@MusicIsMyAeroplane09]

"it's the lens in which you heard things through" & "your childhood did not determine your type" these are KEY messages people!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Yes!!!! LOL

[@bellabalderas7]

Type one: 2:56 Type Two: 4:20 Type three: 5:55 Type four: 7:57 Type five: 9:39 Type six: 11:52 Type seven: 13:43 Type eight: 15:57 Type nine: 17:12

[@mirandas_universe]

oh my goodness, as a type 4 “it’s not okay to be too much” is TOTALLY relatable!! this video is so insightful Hillary!!! thank you!!💓💓

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Awwww love this!!!! Thank you for this! ❤️❤️❤️

[@marchforth3515]

RawNextDoor 9 could be in your tritype

[@amymarissa7765]

@@sherbetlemons im a sunny ENFP 4w3! also looking into your subtype helps! i’m a self preservation (SP), which is the counter type of the four, so it makes sense that i don’t look like the typical 4! you might be SP too! :-)

[@messinalyle4030]

I feel like some channels subtly cast fours as "too much" on top of that.

[@mrJimmyLunch]

I was abused early on, and told that I was faking the hurt. I would snap from time to time and find a weapon to make them stop; I learned to block my emotions and stop caring about myself. Took me a long time to be a functional adult.

[@SparklesNJazz]

OOOOOHHHH OHHHH!!!! i am a 4 and i was expecting you to say my childhood message was “it’s not okay to be like everyone else,” but WHAT YOU SAID SHOCKED ME, and you’re RIGHT. I always felt like i was too much as a child, too loud, laughing too much, too overbearing, people called me bossy cause i always knew what i wanted and wanted to get it. suddenly, as a teenager, i became withdrawn, afraid to assert myself in any capacity, drawn to sadness, always comparing myself to others... wow. it makes so much sense.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Yes! That’s exactly how the type 4 felt as a child. Thank you for sharing!

[@summero-my5in]

@@enneagramandcoaching I am an enneagram 7, yet I relate to a lot of aspects of enneagram 4 too. Could this have to do with my subtype? Just curious

[@mfernanda_trindade]

With your comment I've just remembered all the times that I asked to my sister, after some social contact, "Did I laughed too loud ? Did I was too silly ? Did you think I was too much ?". I assume she is a type 3, and she looked at me rolling eyes saying: "No, you don't, stop carrying too much about the other's opinions and just be a teenager!" (So with time i had this bad impression about the word 'teenager' from the social judgment of it. They always use examples of their actions being * too much*)

[@briellewalker5654]

My husband, an 8, told me he never felt close to either of his parents. His mother was very warm and sweet but had a daycare with 12 kids and 4 kids of her own. I definitely see that she didn't have enough mothering and time for him as nice as she is. He helped care for the kids when he was also just a kid himself. I can see how this turned him into someone who maybe felt betrayed a while simultaneously feeling like he always needs to be strong, confident, in control, and caretaking at times or in a leadership position

[@iamei21]

As a Christian, I really enjoy the little moments where you mention how these different types can grow closer to God. It's refreshing because I know a lot of believers make false judgments about things like the Enneagram and look down on people who learn about it. Not to say I don't respect them following their own convictions, I absolutely do, but I think it's a shame when people spread false information about the Enneagram because I really do believe things like the Enneagram can help people learn more about themselves and overcome a lot of their struggles. I'm currently trying to figure out my type but I've talked a lot about it in my prayer time and really believe God has been using this to reveal so many things to me and it's really helped me to grow as a person already. You have the best Enneagram channel on youtube that I have found so far and so hearing those little comments about God just made your videos all the more relatable for me. Thanks for taking the time to make all of these videos and share your knowledge with us. God bless you!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you so much for this!! This comment made my day!!!

[@bbjudyfit]

As a 9w1 INFP... watching you.. gives me so much hope. I am so excited to make progress in becoming more visible and assertive and facing conflicts head on. It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it.. but I'm ready to face my fears and be the best 9 I can be😊

[@enneagramandcoaching]

This is the best compliment I could get. It’s why I do what I do! You’ve got this! I’m cheering you on to be the best 9 you can be! It’s hard but so worth it! ❤️

[@its_ieshiawhite_and_co4596]

Can I just “ditto” your comment, Tatum? 😄

[@bbjudyfit]

@@its_ieshiawhite_and_co4596 😁😁 thanks for bringing me back to this comment... i needed to see my hopeful self from 7 months ago.. #theStruggleIsReal

[@Rachelle_Creates]

I’m a 7 and you made me cry... that never happens. Thank you for your wisdom, relying on people is so hard for me because every time I get close to someone ,as a best friend, they move away. Relying on the Lord and not myself has been quite a journey but I’m growing in that area.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Awww....Thank you for sharing your experience. I see you. I hear you. It can be so hard when you open up and then they move away. Trusting in the Lord can be so hard but so worth it!

[@leadwithjim]

I am a 7 who has been through a lot of Trauma - my defense was humor and completely reframe instantly ... Also, I can 100% affirm what you mentioned - I became feircly independent which cause me to rely on no one but me .... Has been a big challenge to overcome.

[@khristankyleg]

As a fellow 7, this deeply resonates with me. “Sitting” in my feelings for a bit versus ignoring them and reframing has been a huge step of growth for me. It made me depressed for a while but because I’ve learned to process, I am actually coming into my true, unadulterated 7 self.Therapy helps.

[@hennypenny6473]

I’m a 4 but I don’t honestly (consciously at least) feel like something is wrong with me. I was told growing up that I tended to be very emotional (which is true), but my family all embraced individuality and creativity. I can imagine how incredibly hard it would have been to grow up in a family that was not like this.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

This sounds like an SP 4. Stay tuned because I have a video on this coming up in the next few weeks on the subtypes.

[@joanaborrellsanchez9225]

My family also embrace creativity, my mother hate people who is not authentical or "as everybody". I was really confused because I'm joyful and optimist, so I thought i was a 7... But I'm definitely a 4 and my mum probabilly also. Sorry if I don't write perfect, I'm from Catalonia (Spain).

[@junniebear49]

I’m a 4 and my mom was always happy to let me be me( turns out she’s also a 4. Lol). I had to live with her parents once I started middle school and they pretty much silenced me mentally and emotionally. I’m also queer, and they did everything in their power to make me uncomfortable with myself. I’ve spent my adulthood just accepting myself as is, but I know if they celebrated me for me, I’d be a more functional and creative 4. I never really developed and outlet for the creativity and it’s frustrating sometimes. I’m able to channel the creativity in bursts lol.

[@payladebrett]

I am a 4 who grew up with a mother who encouraged and celebrated individuality and authenticity, but rather than making me feel like I was too much she was emotionally unpredictable as was my brother and I believe that is what gave me the impression it wasn’t ‘ok’ to be so much or so emotional because it seemed to effect them only negatively.

[@maudline]

My close family also encouraged our individualities but school and others did put the wounding in anyway, so I don’t think it has to be a message from parents

[@rayray1360]

I'm a type nine and I loved my childhood. However I had two older sisters who were rebellious and always fought with my parents. Watching the fights really got to me so I learned to not give my parents any reason to punish me and became an ideal child.

[@MusicIsMyAeroplane09]

And by ideal, do you mean "quiet" and not worthy of any attention, particularly "negative" attention?

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

I'm a type nine and I was the older sister who "caused the conflict" so I learned to minimize or avoid the conflict. I remember the day I realized that agreeing with my dad right away would be taken as inauthenticity, but if I disagreed with him first, let him lecture me a bit, then seemed to come around to his point of view, the lecture would be short.

[@nicoledixon1039]

I so relate to this!

[@Clara-wi5se]

This is exactly what happened to me! I have two very rebellious sisters and seeing my mom always so tired made me want to be the perfect, peaceful, quiet child that would never cause her any pain

[@saltqueenpyre]

When you talked about 7s and how something may have happened to make them feel emotionally neglected which is why they feel like the can't dependon anyone else to be there for them except for themselves... that hit really hard for me, and made me cry tbh. All of what you said about 7s is very true for me.

[@nihoyminoy9229]

Same here, I did not expect to come here and cry over things I didn’t realize were happening

[@VideoMagician77]

Hey Grace. I am a fellow 7 and I understand where your tears are coming from. One of my parents was emotionally unavailable growing up and it's harmed me in ways that I don't think I am ever going to get over.

[@Carol75221]

same!!

[@EmzL7]

I started crying when you were talking about 4s. Thank you for that ❤

[@enneagramandcoaching]

❤️❤️❤️

[@SparklesNJazz]

i think she made all the fours emo lol. i had the same reaction.

[@kristinfrederick6867]

Coming from a 4, that's definitely a very 4 thing to do! 🤗

[@nanikoreoyaoya7677]

Ask every other type 8 what past trauma that changes them. All of them will say betrayals. Thanks for speaking up!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

You are so right. I asked my type 8 husband and he agreed with you. Thanks for commenting.

[@josiannejoly4701]

Its crazy, I’m a type 9 and I’ve had a very good childhood, but I did have a very sick sister who took a lot of my parents attention. And even though my parents always took some time for me and never made me feel like I couldn’t share my emotions and thoughts, I’ve always felt like saying these things would be an other burden on them so I guess I got this message from myself! A few months ago, I was feeling down, and my mom told me: you don’t have to be strong all the time, you are allowed to feel angry and cry! And, at that moment, it clicked and I realized that I’ve always felt like I needed to be strong for my family, even has a child!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Yes! We can get the message from ourselves. Not all 9s had hard childhoods. This is some fantastic insight into your life. Thank you for sharing!

[@tTheParakeet]

My step dad came into my life when I was 12/13 but we didn’t notice the bad half of his personality until I was about 14. He would have fits of rage and had a really strong temper. As a 9, I just decided to tune everything out with music. I kept earbuds in and my music turned up.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

I’m sorry. I did the same thing but with books. Glad you found a way to cope through it.

[@maribel5478]

im a type 5, in childhood the overwhelming came when my parents divorced I was 5 years old. so I started analyzing everything I saw, the feeling of abandonment is also a thing I won't be attached to someone so I won't have to open up and show my emotions before I know a person is safe and trustworthy.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you for sharing something so personal. 💛 💛💛

[@MatthewEaton]

As a 5, you hit it home quite well. We also have to throw in the abuse factor, with my mother selling me as a commodity to please the same man who abused me once before, it was easier to withdraw and find my own sanity than to live in the insane world - as it were. Still, you give me much to dwell on. Thank you.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Your very welcome. I’m so sorry that this is the place your wounding childhood message comes from. This is understandable that withdrawal is easier. I’m glad this gave you things to think about. Thank you for sharing.

[@jessicaduncan378]

I feel for you that you went through that. As a 5 as well, I was abused (verbally, physically, emotionally) by my older sister and relentlessly bullied by my peers. I think a lot of the time, it takes other people's reactions to our innate curiosity to trigger the "I need to be alone" response. I recognize now that being alone is the only time that I can truly relax and it is something I am working on with professional help

[@nihoyminoy9229]

Wow, as a 7 I just had flashbacks to being an only child and entertaining myself a lot. This makes so much sense. Thank you ❤️

[@enneagramandcoaching]

You’re so welcome! Thank you for sharing! ❤️

[@lizlopez7822]

Same. I wish we could be sisters. Being an only child was brutal! I had imaginary brothers and sisters.

[@lorrielee885]

I cried pretty much through the whole thing as I was thinking about family and friends of the different types and started really ugly crying when you got to 7. As the first child of parents who were both goal oriented and not good at expressing their love and affection, this really hit hard. Ouch, so eye opening. Enter the school experience...lots of rejection there. Thankfully High School was not as bad as the earlier grades. Married life...married mostly happy until the last 7 years out of 30 when I was shoved back into the "not being able to trust people" mode. Of course I've re-framed this as "At least I'm not trapped in it anymore". Thank you for the video.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Oh, I wish I could give you a hug 🤗 thank you for letting us in on your journey. This was so authentic, real and vulnerable. I’m sure others can relate. Sending you ❤️ today.

[@lorrielee885]

@@enneagramandcoaching aww...thanks so much. I miss hugs so much...the worst thing about COVID

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Lorrie Lee I know 😢

[@maraweatherford7556]

I am a 5, but felt like the type 4 childhood message really resonated with me. Helps solidify for me that my wing is probably a 4 after all. Thank you for such helpful videos!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Love this! ❤️

[@marciavox8105]

It’s amazing how all I can point back to specific instances in my life where I, a type 6, was made to doubt my own judgement. My mother is also a type 6, so we can understand each other well. She has a good grasp of situations, so I have always relied on her as a sounding board for my thoughts. I hadn’t realized exactly what I was doing, but now it makes sense. It feels like my concerns are valid, though. The consequences of making the wrong decision in these circumstances are quite major and long-lasting, so I feel that it makes sense to turn to someone older and wiser than me.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Absolutely your concerns would be valid. I love your view of your mom and that you had her to turn to for advice :)

[@crimson_auror]

I’m a type 1 and I’m still terrified of being in trouble or being wrong, and I struggle with accepting criticism. My dad was in the military and would be gone for months to years at a time and I was forced to grow up quick. This video was so enlightening.

[@liascott2014]

100%!!! I love how accurate you are about us 4s. There are many people making videos about us and painting us in an inaccurate and negative light. I can really resonate with what you said. A HUGE part of my growth was recognizing nothing is wrong with me and trusting myself more.

[@kuronxx]

Honestly, it took me a while to understand the phrase of 'Your childhood did not determine your type' and after scrolling down through the comments section, now I fully understand when you said; 'We are born our types'. I'm a 2w1 (also an ISFJ) and I was born in a household that naturally sparks me to give in order to get and that other people's needs are superficial than mine to the point that I think it's a selfish act of me if I expressed my own needs hence I always repressed my own feelings and needs. Not only that, as an older child, I feel like I was born with the responsibilities in the family which leads me to prevent myself from making any failure and always perform without mistakes in order to be fully accepted as a person (Type 1). This is crazy how it all fits perfectly like a puzzle. You are indeed born your types as it happens to you naturally and not forcefully. I'm an ISFJ and I might be mistaken as an ESFJ due to my Enneagram but I naturally navigate through life with my Si (Introverted Sensing)'s Dominant Function so it is indeed interesting to see how these combination of MBTI and Enneagram could help you in exploring more about yourself 🌼

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you for sharing! Love how you can relate your Enneagram Type with you MBTI!

[@Carol75221]

I identify as 7, I lived in a abusive home too where I couldn't trust nobody there, but I always made my own world in my head to scape or hang out with my friends and stay in their houses as much as I could, at some point I had a really hard argument with a family member (had to report to the police and stuff) and I was very 8,, but now I'm more 7

[@jeremeyellis16]

The more I learn about wounding and internal messages, the more I'm starting to think that people's personalities really are heavily shaped by their upbringing at very young ages. I know that goes against a lot of personality training, but I do believe it to be true

[@lebenergy247]

Terrific overview and "framing" the childhood awareness

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thanks! 😊

[@maudline]

Oh my gosh reading some of the comments just make me cry 💔 The way you have been treated is horrible and I pray that you now have better people in your lives

[@intuitiveeatingmama]

As a type 3 this is spot on! I’m hearing my four daughters in this too! Thank you for including the GROWTH piece. I needed this for me and for me as a mom.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you for sharing this! Your amazing! ❤️

[@summero-my5in]

I'm a 7 but i relate to the part of 4's section: being afraid to be too happy/sad in front of others. The negativity one makes sense for my enneagram. But I can't seem to figure out why as a 7, I'm afraid to be too visibly excited in front of others. I think it's something to do with my fear of my mood being purposefully "knocked down a peg" by others.

[@suzanneroelofse5970]

I really feel this comment. I have thought I was a 6w7 for years as I couldn't relate to feeling as exuberant as 7s are usually shown. I don't like pink, unicorns, rainbows or glitter. I'm seriously starting to realise that I'm probably a 7, but every time I see this cheerleader party animal stereotype I doubt it. Your question made me stop and question this. Perhaps if a 7 is let down enough they can't even depend on a goal/event/wish to make them happy. Interesting observation from you. Thanks so much.

[@scinthene8734]

As a SP 4w5, I have always been told that I haven't done enough. My mother would often and always compare me to my successful classmates, maybe to encourage me but it gave me bitter feelings and envy in return from listening to her complain over and over but it did bear fruit results since it pushed me to strive higher. As I grew older, whenever I would ask for help, she would be annoyed but relented in the end that made me feel guilty. From then on, I started to actively reach towards my goals, never complaining and internalizing my feelings in depth. To compensate with the feelings of inadequacy, I distracted myself to learn and becoming competent to survive. I have always felt different since young since I was born premature and have a bad eyesight that I have to wear glasses since kindergarten. I would often get teased or picked on by classmates, luckily it never crossed the line of bullying. It got lessen overtime until the attention fully stopped, I was truly happy.

[@aaandromeda]

Type 4 really resonated with me. As a type 4w5 (INFP) i grew up in a dysfunctional household with an abusive stepfather and a chronically depressed mother who'd scream violent threats at me and at times hit me if i cried. Anytime she'd make me upset she'd tell me i can't be, that i haven't been through anything bad in my life and i'm not allowed to be upset. My dad left and became a heroin addict when i was 4. I had younger half siblings i had to look out for when there was fighting and drama in the house, i'd try to distract them from it and cheer them up. We'd also get screamed at for laughing.. so i learnt to be silent and keep my feelings internalised and to myself

[@aaandromeda]

on top of that i was always constantly TOLD i was the black sheep of the family, since i have darker skin and curlier hair.. Also left handed, way smaller than everyone else and my initials are E.T lol. So the feeling like you're "different" is spot on

[@marcaurel9322]

Hi Hillary, I had as a SOC 9 (w8) a very dominant SP 8 father and a 6 mother. The father, of course, triggered the pre-existing 9 feeling in me, "You have to do what I say!" So it was not okay for me to assert myself. As a 9 contratype, I always fought against this oppression and then often came across as an 8 in those around me. This misjudgment then led me to withdraw even more instead of finally continuing on the path of growth and admitting to myself and others what my needs were. Thank you for your videos.

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

Hillary, are you familiar with trifix? I'm definitely a core 6w5 (unless I'm a 5w6 because I relate a lot to having a small battery and needing lots of time alone)--but I think I have a 9w1 and 2w1 trifix because I have a hard time with conflict, saying "no" to people, asserting my own needs/desires, and I tend to not notice my anger and I didn't even think I got angry until I started studying enneagram.

[@journeyjulie3973]

Wow. 9 here. You just gave light to something big that happened in my childhood- mind blowing for me! In 2nd grade there was a very mild incident in which I was bullied, and I consciously decided to become invisible in school for the next three years. I didn’t talk to anyone or have any friends till a teacher took notice of me and encouraged some girls to befriend me in 5th grade. Even then I was super quiet because I didn’t want to make anyone upset, basically until college, when I decided I wasn’t going to be invisible anymore because I wanted friends and fun!

[@LauraLibiete]

I can relate with 3 and 4. I’m still not sure about my core type, but since childhood I was always put in the some kind of box and taught to achieve more. I wanted to work in theater, but my parents convinced me that it’s not a profession and I need to be successful, so I studied engineering , was one of the best students, had all these prizes, but I felt like I don’t fit in, emotionally it was so hard. I thought about quitting all the time, but I never did, because I would feel like a failure. 😔 Now I’m at point in my life I no longer understand where I truly fit in, nothing feels fulfilling, I start to envy other people who live they life happy with who they are, I’m so tired of constantly proving myself, I want others to see me for what I am not expect all the great things from me. Ohhh, the pressure is so hard. 😩

[@tasneemali4892]

As a 7 who just wanted to play with the other kids but was harshly rejected I turned inward and played by myself in my imaginary world of stuffed animal friends and blanket forts. I thought I was a 9 since I basicaly trained myself in to my own peaceful little world and wouldn't speak up out of fear of rejection. It makes me wonder how certain emotinal trauma may change the way the types look.

[@terig8974]

This video wasn't too long. It was just long enough for you to convey the information you needed to share.👍

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you! ❤️

[@sayrewilkin-dalby619]

I am glad these resonate with so many! For myself (a 2) and my husband (a 4) we don't really relate to these. We both share the same wounding childhood message, "You're not wanted" or, "No one wants you," or something to that effect. Of course, we have dealt with it differently.

[@felpst4559]

When I was a child, my Dad used to get really mad when I expressed my opnions to him, and always said that I need to "respect the elders" and by that he was trying to say I was not respecting him just because I didn't agree with him. My mind understood that I need to repress my emotions, opnions and everything inside me to respect everyone, and I'm now a 9, an ENFJ 9w1 to be exact Man, beeing a nine sometimes SUCK

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Oh man. I’m sorry. My hope is that you know that your presence and opinions matter now. That the world needs them. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. ❤️

[@felpst4559]

@@enneagramandcoaching Ownn ❤ Thanks! That means a lot to me! ❤

[@mollynault9406]

Your eyes are so beautiful!!!!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thanks Molly! Your so sweet!

[@mindybach8163]

Nailed with the type 2. I am a doormat. Have to remember self care and that I am loved regardless.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Yes! Self care is so important for a 2! You are worth it. ❤️

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

It makes sense from your explanation that the lense we were born with colors our experiences as kids, rather than being shaped by the experiences only.

[@KristinSwaim]

OMG. As a type 7 this is totally SPOT ON for me!!!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Awesome!

[@Rich-wi7dn]

INFP 9w1 here. I’m north of 50 and in moments of total exasperation I still find myself asking “What do you want from me?” of the universe or whoever is supposed to be listening. I know that many would say “You are asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself what YOU want!” and while I can intellectualize that in my head, I am unable to actually do it or truly believe that it matters.

[@nicoledixon1039]

I am a 9. I used 9 traits to cope as a kid because our household was chaotic with some mild but (seemingly) constant arguing between my older sisters or my parents with one of the sisters. I just wanted it to be peaceful and calm and happy in our house. Maybe even quiet. That hardly ever happened. Not being able to assert myself was not really a big deal for me. I was allowed to be respectful and state opinions although I seldom did. I never really had a strong personality and that served me well to allow more peace in the household. It is very interesting to me that you (Hilary) became a 9 because of not being able to assert yourself. I do that also sometimes, but I identify with the type 9 because I wanted calmness and to be at ease more than anything.

[@Bee-wy3qh]

Your videos have been so interesting and helpful! I’m a 9w1. I was told I was a loud and opinionated child growing up. I clearly remember moments where I spoke up about things I disagreed with and got in trouble with the adults/teachers and was usually told to be silent rather than asked why I spoke out. (Even while young I was already a critic haha). The “cannot assert” myself message really makes sense.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thanks for sharing!! I am so glad they have been helpful!

[@HeyokaCat_8]

INFJ - 4w5 SX/SO I have never shown my full self to ANYONE, as Ive always been told and shown that they couldnt handle it, because for them, I AM TOO MUCH !!! And this is why I prefer my own company, most of the time. I truly love being me, even if most people cant appreciate, "take" or understand me.

[@CandaceNDiaye]

As an 8, this was spot on. Even as an adult, I have a hard time trusting people.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you for sharing ❤️❤️❤️

[@kyle7536]

I felt there was something wrong with me, that I was strange and different. I tried for a large part of my life to "fit in", and this only increased frustration and the feeling of non-belonging. I was born into a family where there were many rules to follow, and I don't think I had time to find out who I am without having any restrictions. I felt different from other people. Something was missing in me. Someone was smarter, someone was more sociable. Even if I tried and achieved these qualities later, it seems that this emptiness never filled. I wasn't enough, I It couldn't be me, I'm dull, no one would like me, I don't like myself, who am I? I watched people and wanted to be like them, dress like them, walk and talk like them, I wanted to have what they have, be what they are. But now, I’m trying to discover how AM I, how I really am, I don’t want to care about others think. I don’t care if I’m a strange, it’s okay to me. I want to be me, and I wanted to be accept for how I am. (I can’t decide if I’m a type 9 or a type 4, can you help me?)

[@NurseGotGlow]

im 2w3 and your message for type2s and 3s are sooo amazing.. I feel SEEN🤣 But a Healing kind of seen. I love these series so much! I'm binge watching 🤪💕

[@enneagramandcoaching]

LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!!!

[@jessicaholbea880]

omg as a seven you just described my life

[@tinahunt]

I think I’m a 9. So going along with 9’s ability to relate and be misidentified with each of the #’s, I’m feeling and relating to every one of the childhood wounding messages.

[@wrdprfct]

Yes, as an 8w7, I can say that I have experienced more loneliness and isolation than I've wanted. My prayers now will be for God to heal me from rejection and allow me to open my heart and tear down those walls that I've built to protect myself.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

I’m praying along side you. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing ❤️

[@wrdprfct]

@@enneagramandcoaching thank you 🥰

[@vampireracheal8131]

enneagram 4w3: oh forreal cuz I my parents didn’t like when I had fun. LIke they really DINT like it. My parents would shush me but when I was having fun but when I’m sad and quiet I’m suddenly loved plus I was only praised and loved for my achievements and grades

[@King-ij8ee]

Havent dealt with trauma of any sort, I come from a happy home with loving parents. But vulnerability has always been sideways theorom for me. My heart bleeds for the good and I do believe im a emotional person with empathy but I dont speak my own innerness well. Moving on, im a giver, i love to give and fight for whats right. The last thing you said hit home - I love God and I find comfort and peace in the remembrance of God - have been like that since I was a child.

[@gemsstr7933]

I really like this vid! You mention alot about leaning on God? just wondering i don't believe in God. Would that then just be a matter of resting or being accepting with myself then?thnx!

[@jenniferobaya2809]

Type 1 here. Thank you for saying that childhood wounds don’t develop our type. I didn’t understand that for awhile and I thought my type was decided by how I was raised and now that I have two young daughters, I’ve been stressing myself out over worrying about saying this or that too much and causing them to spin off into an unhealthy adult. So are we born with our types or are they developed through (early) life experiences?

[@enneagramandcoaching]

You are so welcome Jennifer. I completely understand. That would be so much pressure as a parent. I believe we are born our types. Otherwise I would think siblings would all be the same type. I was born a peacemaker my brother was born an observer, we both went through so many of the same things. But we both saw and experienced things differently.

[@jerrysstories711]

Great video, thanks so much for making this. I’d like to throw in, there’s an important reason why the names we give these theories matter. So many fans of pop-psychology and self-help content are so OBSESSED with childhood trauma that it’s become a cliche. And the content producers who are like this completely lose the portion of the audience who had pretty good childhoods or who had other important formative experiences besides trauma. So when I started studying the Enneagram and came upon videos about “wound” theories, I rolled my eyes and prepared for drivel. But it turned out this theory really isn’t about wounds let alone trauma, it’s about the first disappointing clash of nature vs nurture, our pristine baseline zero-experience personality facing our first experience of our nature way of doing things simply not working in reality-and our changing our strategy in the face of disappointment. Logically, it’s just inevitable that such an experience occurred at some point, happy childhood or not. I have to wonder how many people rolled their eyes and lost interest in the theory because it was introduced to them by a name that make them expect self-pitying drivel? That is why terminology matters.

[@catsinq5726]

I am just getting started with the Enneagram, not even sure what type I am yet. Based on this video I am getting the idea that there is a lot of Christian belief embedded in the Enneagram. Does a person have to be Christian to grow from insights taken from the Enneagram? A lot of the direction for growth - for several of the types - was couched in religous terms, such as learning to "accept Christ's love" or "being with God," and that kind of language, so I'm wondering. Is growth possible - per the Enneagram - if one is not Christian?

[@lofabredd8367]

This is a really great, informative video. I love how in-depth you go into this, and how you realize that it's important to learn about everyone's childhoods in relation to their enneagram types - not just your own. On the other hand, though, it's misinforming to pretend that God creates personality slates. Your personality type was not there before you received the messages that you did in your childhood; God didn't tell you you shouldn't take up space, that you're not important, and that your needs don't matter. Your parents did. That external reinforcement is the sole reason why you're a type 9, or any other type at all, and have been since. You weren't always that way. God did not create the enneagram or your personality type. The patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that we are labeling with 1s and 2s are not innate to existence, they are created and reinforced through lived experience. It's crazy how you can call yourself a coach without disconnecting the concept of God from the concept of science. Why do you hold onto this belief? Just because your siblings are not the very same as you doesn't mean other factors can't play into it. Don't you find it insanely coincidental that, as a birth-born 9, you landed parents who just happened to reinforce specific traits like yours? Please look more into psychodynamic theories, or perhaps even the cognitive biases of your parents. Did they aim to suppress your livelihood because you're female? Because they have an adverse opinion of children? Because they didn't know how to deal with you themselves? Whatever it may be, you grew up in fear and now you're a 9. God had nothing to do with it. In regard to your siblings, they lead entirely different lives than you. You're right that you will likely grow up in the same house and end up wildly different from each other, but this isn't God's work either. This is, again, psychology at play. Sibling dynamics... birth order... sex... culture... socialization... peer groups... generation... etc. Do you aim to erase these concepts as well? Out of respect for your faith, I won't deny that God exists at all, but to say babies are fated to become any one personality is close-minded... you're a 9 because you were disregarded as a child. You have a 5 son who conserves his energy and feels that he can't be comfortable in the world because you or his father is unpredictable, and he can't feel fully safe because of it. If someone who maybe isn't his father is actively hurting your son, how could you sit there and tell him that it is fated to happen? The enneagram is a useful tool, yes, but your faith is obstructing your view. Please see through it, because if you did, you could help so many more people.

[@pxrple_pixiedxst]

I'm a type 5 but for some reason the type 7 really hit home so hard for me I almost teared up bcz that's just what I went through in my childhood. Ik I'm still a 5 but I just didn't expect it to be so.. spot on triggering lol..

[@timtabor1181]

I am baffled, because I strangely fit many of these types. Especially 4, 5, and 7. My behaviors are more similar to the 4 and 5, but my internal wiring stuff is clearly pointing at 7. I think the 4-5 tendencies are because I am INFP, and my enneagram number is 7. That seems to be a pretty unusual combination, so I have been trying to find examples, etc to draw on and I am kind of at a loss about that. But for now...here I stand. Thanks for your great content.

[@marchforth3515]

I am pretty sure I’m a 4, and I definitely relate. It felt like no one was happy with me if I was too much of something, and I always felt so alone and separate somehow. It caused a lot of confusion I also have a strong cp6 fix, felt that too lol And I’m pretty sure my mom is a 9, but she’s grown a lot

[@eezee5744]

I'm a 4 and relate to just about everything I've ever read or heard described about a 4. However, the childhood message being "it's not okay to be too functional or too happy" doesn't resonate with me at all. If I'm not functional or happy, it's not because I have a problem with it but because I just can't, and this generally occurs when I'm obsessed with feeling "different" or separate from other people. Interestingly, long ago when I was in "therapy", it almost made things worse because I'd talk about feeling "different" and being self-conscious. And as I've more recently learned, what you focus on tends to expand or, in other words, your life is essentially what your dominating thoughts are, thus talking about being "different" only made me feel more "different" to the point where I felt like a freak of nature and made me even more awkward socially. I am not saying that therapy is necessarily bad, but it just depends on what you talk about. My consciousness used to be more focused on my problems rather than on solutions (and therapists didn't really help me to change my focus). These days, I'm wiser and I focus more on my goals and trying to take more action (I'm also a 3 wing), but being achievement or action-oriented is healthier for a dominant type 4 than obsessing about feeling "different." I would say the childhood message (for me at least) is more like I wasn't seen or understood and that I basically wasn't okay. I think 4s also feel like there's something wrong with them yet they don't want to be just like everyone else but feel special too and thus simultaneously sort of arrogant.

[@trinityfrank2526]

8:02 I never really understood what that meant, nor did I relate to it as a 4. But your description makes it...oh my gosh...

[@Rachelle_Creates]

My dad is a 5 he’s a Pastor. He’s wonderful!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Awesome! ❤️

[@hambelperhurger4547]

I relate to both type 2 and 4 really strongly, not just in the wounding message but overall I can relate to both. Both times that I took a test 2 and 4 both had >90% accuracy, how do I figure out which one it is? -ENFP

[@enneagramandcoaching]

I literally just had a typing session with someone with the same exact thing! She is an ENFP and trying to decide between the 2 and 4. It really will come down to the cores but I also would look at the wings and subtypes of the 2 and 4. This is what helped my client. Hope this helps!

[@saraelharis7134]

Iam new here and I totally love what you are making here, I am also a 9 and find this veeeeery true

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Wonderful! Thank you ! ❤

[@ladyb7327]

I feel like I was the scapegoat in my family. My mom seemed mad at me a lot and my older brother was allowed to pick on me. And my younger sister and brother could pick on me too, but if I retaliated after I finally got mad (it took me a lot to get there, and it only happened a few times), I got in trouble. But they never did. If my little brother fell down, somehow I was at fault. I liked to sing and put on shows for my brothers and sisters. I believe I was caring. And I saw the good in people. But I always felt like crap. I thought I was ugly and stupid for a long time. I just wanted to be loved and accepted by them. My father was funny (sarcastic and some of his jokes really hurt me), but he could go from zero to raging QUICK, like if he was having trouble putting lights on the Christmas tree he'd all the suden turn MEAN and lash out. . He could be really harsh. I was the middle child out of five. My younger sister was born 1 year and 12 days after I was born. I do not remember my mother nurturing me. My younger sister took a lot of attention and was very needy. They were close and were very (too) close until my mother's death last year. I Always felt like I was less than everybody else. Like something was wrong with me. I was compassionate and took in animals and such. I like animals and children. They like me too. I made excuses for my family and put aside my own needs for most of my life. I gave everything to my children too. I felt bad when I realized that my family wasn't as great as I thought they were. I'm still confused about my type, but I think I may be a 4w5 so/sx. I identify with Elsa from frozen. That movie hit me hard. Especially the second one. I feel like I made my self smaller or would act ditzy so people wouldn't feel threatened by me. I felt I couldn't express my self because it was just too much. I am intelligent, but used to act stupid. I found out much later in life that I wasn't ugly either. I have so many inhibitions when it comes to social situations still. When you described the one, I felt that too. And 8. All of it really lol. I have Jesus now and He is what helped me heal. I get all my security, value and identify from God now. I made that choice and just kept reminding my self of that choice until I started BELIEVING it. I still slip, but keep reminding my self of my choice when I do. I still compare my self to others, I know. And I'm working on that. I don't want to anymore because it causes me to feel like crap. It just seems like so many are doing fine, but I'm miserable. I just want to find out who I really am and LET HER OUT. I want to help others do the same too. I want to be everything God made me to be and I realize anything less than that, I will be unable to fulfill my purpose and mission in life. So, I'd like to say, thanks for the vids, they're really helping. Although I'm still have doubt about my actual true type...I'm still not SURE. 🤔

[@elliottcomer5352]

I've just started familiarizing myself with the Enneagram. I'm a 3w2, and I completely relate to childhood feeling's of inadequacy, or maybe a better word is isolation. Growing up gay in the Deep South, I assumed from a young age that the only way I would be accepted and valued by my family and society more broadly was to kick ass in every area of life. My achievements were a way to distract from questions about girlfriends, dating, kids, etc. Only in the past year or so have I begun to realize that chasing accomplishment is no substitute for embracing the totality of who I am and sharing that with the world.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Amazing self awareness. Thank you for sharing. Love that you’ve realized that chasing accomplishments doesn’t bring you what it once promised. So good for a 3!

[@elliottcomer5352]

@@enneagramandcoaching Thank you! Ironically enough, it took quite a bit of failure to show me just how pointless it is to "perform" for anyone other than myself. That realization encouraged me to cast off the expectations of my industry, in particular, (politics) and chart my own course. It's been rewarding, to say the least :)

[@crazydragon7865]

I believe that because you and your sister are the same enneagram type and are not similar may be because of your guys’ mbti types, because MBTI types play a big role in the cognitive processes of a person. They make up the person’s mind.

[@loraborealis2551]

“How are you feeling?” Is a horribly difficult question for me. I have no idea how I’m feeling. I don’t like that question. Lol -9

[@NnekaShakeZ]

New subbie here! Love the emphasis on the ultimate provision of God. Also, I’m a 8w9!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Welcome!!! Woot! Love 8w9s!

[@stenpablo3045]

7 was so accurate

[@wowsports8800]

I'm an 8 and vulnerability is something I always struggled with. When I was a kid, when I was going to cry I locked myself in a room so no one could see me cry and never said *anything* not even a word, about my feelings when they asked me (I was like 3 so a ignored them). I only realized that was a problem when I got depressed. I felt that I was weak if I said something about that or anything like that. I overcame it and told my family and I know if I wouldn't have said that, it would have killed me. One day, a long time after that there was a class about feelings and ended up talking about depression and I started crying, everyone was shocked with my reaction bc I barely show happy feelings.

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Wow. I feel honored that you'd share about this. Thank you Beatriz. It is so hard for an 8 to be vulnerable, but so healing for them, when done with safe people. Again, thanks for sharing your journey.

[@wowsports8800]

@@enneagramandcoaching 🤍☺️

[@concrete_dog]

All this talk about "god" kind of puts me off but I do feel like you know what you're talking about. At least, your description of a 5 does feel quite familiar.

[@NurseGotGlow]

I feel like this is a Subject in Class that I totally wish we had in Highschool! instead of some crazy subject 🙄🤪 What an amazing experience would it be if youths understand themselves and their peers better... (I wish i knew myself better back then) 😁😍😌

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Right!?! I totally agree!!!

[@NurseGotGlow]

@@enneagramandcoaching OMG! you replied!!! 😱😍

[@benbranan9446]

Type 3w5 just wanted to say your hair is amazing!

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Oh thank you!

[@ЛюдмилаМоталенко-н4н]

I feel like I was raised with "You must always do the right thing/be a good girl" (1 message), but on the other side it always felt like "You are NEVER able to do anything right" (I remember mom told me I always shouted I can never do it!!!! after the first attempt to do something new for me) The thing is I'm so scared to do the wrong thing that I'm scared to do anything at all. My name response always was/is withdrawal. I hide everything: my likes, what interests me, what I really think and feel. I feel like 5, but at the same time can be emotional and always have a feeling of being "not normal" like 4

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you for being so authentic with your experience ❤️❤️❤️

[@ЛюдмилаМоталенко-н4н]

@@enneagramandcoaching Thank you. I'm still trying to figure myself out.

[@romycullen17]

it's not okay to be too much, feeling different me, a type four, who's always felt there's something wrong welp

[@writingmelody]

I just found your channel. I’m a 6 with a 5 wing 🥰

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Welcome!!!! Thanks for sharing! ❤️

[@nadyaoetary6767]

Hey, thankyou for sharing this. I love your channel. Btw, you mentioned that a lot of 9s you know have had a happy childhood. Can you elaborate? How a happy childhood relate to a 9 that dont want to assert themselves? I ask this because I am trying to find why I am being a type 9, where I got the message that Its not okay to assert myself, because I cant remember any traumatic events in my childhood. Thankyou for answering..

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you. Sometimes our fear of not wanting to assert ourselves develops outside of the home. Some 9s have had a happy childhood but other places they realized when they asserted themselves it wasn't received well and so that message starts to play over and over in their head.

[@tinahunt]

I really appreciate the way you link this to your faith.

[@-0m3rcy0-8]

While watching this video, I was sure I was a 2w1- ubtil you begin to talk about 8’s Jesus Christ that hit me. I have the terrible case of being a people please w/ abandonment issues. I used to be a very unhealthy example of a type 2, (that being 8) until I started to get better- a way of doing that is randomly saying “no” when people ask me things, even it I have no reason to. (Example of growth in type 4) + finding happiness in myself and not needing to find self worth or purpose in existing for others. But holy shit do I resonate with 8.

[@404-o9d]

Thank you for making things clearer. I had a troubled childhood that is still affecting me today, I found it hard to see which my enneagram could've been by listed personality traits alone. I could see myself a little bit in 4, 9, 5, 6, and sometimes even 8. After some extensive research (and with the help of a friend) we'd concluded that I'm likely a 6w5 with strong 5 qualities. We thought I was a 5 at first, but really, I just really sound like it. I live for gathering knowledge, though not out of insecurity, but merely because I have a very curious mind that I want to expand for the sake of it. Due to my introversion (which was likely influenced due to growing up by myself) I'm highly isolated and independent-ish, choosing to tackle my issues on my own (which is such un-6-like, I guess) but that's also due to my social anxiety and not wanting to bother other people. My tendency to seek out advice in people due to never being able to trust myself, and generally so many more instances of never being able to trust myself.. it all fits together. It surely was a journey, and I feel like MBTI and enneagram have helped me see things in myself, not because of some written personality analysis, but mostly due to going around for input and discovering things about myself not previously known. It's also great because we can also clearly see how much humans vary and differ from one another. I always knew that, but now it may be clearer than before.. we differ because we have different fears, motivations, and make different meaning of life, thus, different mindsets and ways of perceiving the world are formed. Though one thing I'd like to comment on is that, I think we aren't precisely born with our personality set in stone. There are things that may pre-determine us one way or another, like being born with a psychopathic brain versus a neurotypical one, but overall, our personality is mostly shaped by our environment and random circumstances. For example, I highly doubt I would've been a 6 had I different parents. Different parents would've handled me differently, and would've therefore manifested a different perception of the world early on.. and, of course this applies to anyone. The same thing I'd say on MBTI. It's not as if we are born a certain way, more so that our core is formed at very early stages, a.k.a. the developmental stages, and from there, our minds are starting to set their own patterns in stone, ones that are to be followed throughout adulthood. And while I'm at it, I'd also like to mention how enneagram fuses with MBTI, showing us even more variation of the human condition. An INFJ enneagram 5 for instance, will inevitably differ from, say, INTP 5, largely due to J and P qualities. INTPs are likely to use their 5 nature to gather all sorts of different, irrelevant information, while an INFJ will focus on a few very specific, correlated topics that he's constantly refining. Just shows how fascinating the world of psychology can be.

[@himekoyakuza1750]

Type 8 here and accurate but since I don't believe in god... I also think turning to him is not growth but that's my belief 😂 (don't come after me I bite and bark 🐺) I think what is beneficial for other 8 non-believers is to disconstruct the childhood trauma, be free from it and creating your own path basing on positive values/experiences and talk to more nurturing positive people so you can gain trust in others

[@heyitslivjames]

SUCH a great video, Hillary! Thanks for sharing ☺️

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Thank you! ❤️

[@09bclement]

Thank you for mentioning God 🙏 ❤️

[@enneagramandcoaching]

❤️❤️❤️

[@alexrose20]

whoa im a 5 but im also 16 like your son lol so you were definitely accurate

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Awesome!

[@lizlopez7822]

I feel like I’m stuck as a child as an almost 40 year old adult. 😭😭😭 type 9

[@purplemind93]

Hi Hillary! I'm interested in what made one a certain type. Do you think it's mostly parenting that determines which type the person gets? Cause this is what I've mostly read about the theory. Seems like from what you're saying it can also be due to other stuff happening in its life, around middle school age perhaps? Is it like an ongoing process of one fearful thing repeating itself and therefor strengthen the type or does enneagram types usually establishes already in like the toddler years?

[@enneagramandcoaching]

Hi! I believe we are born with our personalities. I don't think it's parenting that determines it, otherwise I think a lot of siblings would be the same types.