7 Common Reasons Why People Struggle With Whether to Divorce or Leave a Narcissist

To find out more about Debbie's books, online courses, meditations, healing music, and coaching with her, click on the following link: www.debbiemirza.com/
Here is the article Debbie mentioned when talking about the Christian Faith and if it is Biblically okay to divorce someone who is emotionally abusing you: www.restoredrelationships.org...

[@teachersusanute199]

I was so scared to leave because of money (two little boys, no income). I got so much help - job center, child support service, family. I got so much energy back after I had left😁 My boys thrived. My oldest (now 25) says his childhood started when we were a single parent family. So - leave, leave, leave ! It will get so much better!

[@dianegibbs4622]

Wow, I wish I had this information in 2013 when I divorced the Narc. I was married for 35 years and have 3 adult children . Daughter 45, our son together 40, and we adopted my Neice who is now 33. All of them have been “drinking the koala I’d”. I am alienated and rejected by them all and have not seen my 3 grandchildren in (2) years. They live 20 min away. All I can say is Debbie has *nailed it* !!!! If you are in any way I gagged in a relationship with a C.P.A.N., -RUN , get out now and do not stay as long as I did. You are far more worthy than that. I now am engaged to a humble man who is the salt of the earth. Trustworthy, loving and sincere. Life is NOT over, trust me.!

[@denisedevoto2834]

Glad you found a nice guy. I have a nice guy too, but lost both of my daughters to their narcissistic step-father. It really hurts.

[@Moonbunny55]

Perfectly timed. I literally have divorce papers on my table as I watch this video. 🙏

[@kellyleighread807]

I went through the changing goal post for 37 year's. In the end, none of that time was for me. All of us ( wife,& children) spent our lives to do for him. He would do not one thing for us. But he was there to point out what our short coming's were. He had perfected the side ways slam.

[@Moonbunny55]

Kellyleigh Read 37 for me too. He’s not making anything easy. He’s withholding the financial support now. I was filling out the papers and writing down the questions from the video to ask a lawyer when I realized how expensive this could be. In the disclosure it states I have to hire a different attorney for pension and retirement divisions. WTH????? I’m now looking into low cost free help from the Bar association. If that doesn’t pan out I’ll contact a DV lawyer from the women’s shelter. This blows but I will do what it takes.

[@mikegee6428]

I ended up filing for divorce over two years ago and it was just recently finalized. I found your book a couple weeks ago and it was an incredible eye opener. Thank you very much. Everything was not my fault.

[@vickibarker8658]

Thank you Debbie for this video. I have read your book and it made me cry, because the love and compassion flows from you so strongly and it absolutely made me realise that I have never experienced one person in my life who has ever truly loved or cared about me. That was quite a massive revelation. I love listening to your videos because it is a constant reminder of what love really is. Thank you so much. With much love to you. 💝💝💝💝

[@debbiemirza1744]

Vicki, your comment moves my heart so much. Sending you SO much love! xxxx

[@kakestuff4267]

You are not alone, I've come to this realization myself and it's a very lonely reality. I am making it my main priority to love myself enough that it doesn't matter if anyone else does

[@teachersusanute199]

I‘ve started reading your book. So well written and researched! 👍🏼 I was married to an overt narc, but have encountered quite a few CN. The latter are much harder to read. It took me 20 years to get that a woman in my circle of friends was exactly that - a covert narc. When I started confronting her (like defending people she was gossiping about, asking her why she always talked badly about one son (scapegoat) etc) she started a smear campaign and I lost all my „friends“ whom I had known for years. They became her flying monkeys. What really upset me: none came to me for a reality check. She (the CN) can be sooo charming and played the victim. It was a really confusing time for me because I saw what she was doing but nobody believed me. Went no contact. Still feeling sad and lonely sometimes... They are monsters in sheep clothing.

[@christinamartinez8996]

My husband has so many flying monkeys I have no friends my kids won’t talk to me a and I’m the one who does all the work and he is so lazy I have contacted an attorney we’ve been married for 35years so hard to leave

[@Bixtybee1111]

I've been divorced from a covert narc for 10 years & I am JUST NOW learning what he is. I knew all along something was terribly wrong & that I couldn't take it anymore but now I'm seeing the depth, breadth, & width of his disorder.! WOW!

[@mooshmobile]

min says he had the veil pulled back over his eyes and he sees where he has been wrong. when I asked how so, he said "i've been holding back" - but he couldn't give me any concrete examples. I highly recommend utilizing silence and let them fill the silence. you'll find that they can't fill it with anything that makes sense. they are waiting for you to give them something to feed off of so they know what you want to hear. don't give it to them. you'll soon realize that there is nothing inside them to give you.

[@teachersusanute199]

Nobody deserves being treated badly.

[@nuria3736]

I love your videos becoming longer than they used to 😍😍😍😍😍😍 this video is amazing. So real. So true. So exact.

[@reneerose1525]

I appreciate how transparent you are! What you said about coming out of not being a Christian really hit home. I have had the same experience. I wish all therapist, life coaches, authors, and ect would make their beliefs known. My entire life the answer I was given to any problem was "pray about it". I was taught "love keeps no record of wrongs" so each time my covert husband would do something cruel or evil to me I not only was instructed that I had to forgive him, I wasn't even allowed to remember it, or have a record of how many times he had done the same thing before. Religion teaches us to stay in abusive relationships. My entire being clinches when someone tells me to "pray about it" or says "well what does the bible say about it?" Again thank you, I will now purchase your books and continue to watch your videos and recommend them to anyone else who is struggling with being with or dealing with a covert narcissist!! Also I've watched hundreds of videos on this subject, and read countless books and articles on narcissism, and watching 9 or 10 of your videos, so far, has given me more peace and clarity on the subject than I could even begin to put into words!

[@sarahannadams3447]

These videos are honestly and truly going to save my family. You put everything I've seen my other parent (spouse of narcissist) experience, and these are going to be an amazing resource for me to help her get through this. Thank you for your work; I think like God literally sent these videos to me.

[@jenniferstokes8420]

Sadly, I divorced after 25 years of marriage with one adult daughter and one son 17 years old in 2018. The covert narcissist turned them against me. They shut me out of their lives. I was not given a ticket to my own son’s high school graduation. I haven’t seen my children or touched them in two years. I didn’t think my ex’s abuse would extend to hurting the children... they went through their parents divorcing without their mom. And since it was “my fault”, I can’t say, “no one deserves abuse” bc the children will not hear anything negative about their father. And... my ex is a pastor at a mega church.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

Wow! that is hard to hear, since has been clergy whom i have been turning to in this... if one has to arm themselves with the armor of God to be able to get through this (heartbreaking to know narcs are in positions of authority within the house of the Lord). My youngest will be graduating 🎓this month, i fear not being invited, i will for sure pray and ask 🙏for a good outcome. Blessings 🇨🇷elvia🇨🇷

[@EllyKallan]

Narcs don't change. I had hope for 20 yrs he would change but he would only love bomb, hoover and then go back to his old ways.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

this book by ms.d.mirza put me on the road to discovery, was a recommended read by our couples therapist when i was informed that continuing couples therapy would put me in danger by my partner, as this type of people use vulnerable information against you. since 📚reading this book and educating self on most of the terminology such as: projection/ing, triangulation, flying monkeys, gaslighting, devaluating, love bombing and discarding to name a few, i have been armed with the ability to compare my partner with the traits such persons possess. Thus far, has been a hard reality to face, especially identifying with the symptoms of multiple chronic illnesses caused by being exposed to, yes gonna say it, ABUSE. my motto: give your PAIN a NAME and move on from there/their (its hold on you). Blessings🇨🇷elvia🇨🇷

[@torrihoward9729]

MUCH NEEDED TO HEAR LISTEN TO THIS.. As they get older they don't grow intentionally. They looking for their spouse to first classic action SMH 😫 Being a Christian means having a personal relationship with JESUS CHRIST by the way. It's not about anyone else. If you truly have The Holy Spirit dwelling within you'll be able to discern right from wrong. Yes CHRIST Says no cause for Divorce unless in cases of Adultery but The LORD sees Abuse from the spouse as an abomination...

[@kellyleighread807]

Do you know that pornography, is adultery? Ephesians 4:9-12. It's also against God's word to us sarcasm & say "I was just joking". The lies come. The point of marriage was to be of one flesh. That means that emotional connection is made. That can't be with a narcissist.

[@amyhooper7819]

I procrastinated on filing the divorce because he had threatened me with taking my son away because he said I was mentally unstable. An sure enough he used it against me in court, which in turn caused me to fall apart all over again and even worse this time around. I had spent 4 years healing and doing immensely better just to unravel all over again. And the judge listened to him and was completely biased to me. 😢

[@webeducation]

Old Post: 1:25 - 2:00 is spot on with how I thought about her and our relationship. In this case she knows she had grown up in utter turmoil, and violence. She had gotten a degree in psychology to try and find some answers. I'm not sure if she is a full narcissistic or just the product of being raised by a mom who couldn't mentally be there and an older sibling who is also narcissistic. The thing is that only when "stuff hits the fan" does she realize something is wrong. She has told me on a couple occasions feels she has an issue with love, and sometimes cannot feel anything emotional. She has gone to counseling like twice. One therapist had her do a drill. It was for her to try to notice all the details even in the smallest of things, like washing her hands, etc. However in the next 3 days she is back in full narc mode. We are no longer together, and last I heard she was still trying to find some help.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Thank you this is exactly what I’m dealing with. I’m disabled , I’m old but I know I have to get out no madder what. He pretends to be different to have changed he knows I know about narcissistic personality disorder and what’s wrong with him but he wasn’t changed. Also I worry about my 12 year old daughter having to deal with his disfunction by her self after I divorce him. I don’t know how I will support myself and my daughter. She doesn’t really talk to him she knows he’s sick she lives in the same house and hears him screaming at me. I play gray rock it doesn’t keep him from attacking me verbally he will follow me around the house I usually lock myself in the bathroom and don’t say anything while he yells outside the door he eventually goes away. He never yelled at her I’m the scapegoat and she’s the golden child. If he does get upset with her over something I protect her ,kids make mistakes, he always defers to me about raising her she really only has one parent. He so busy trying to get supply on line from strangers we don’t exist. We’re like dolls he takes out of the closet when he needs a family for something. If he thinks we’re trying to leave him out of something he will force he way in . He over acts it’s really awful and very phony. But he also dangerous because he has no empathy, he does stupid dangerous things. I don’t need anything, I don’t need to go to the doctors or to get my car fixed according to him. He attacks me if he knows I’m going to the doctors. I should never get or have anything. I bought myself a new TV for my new bedroom I had to move out of our room because he would wake me up in the night and than deny it. He very passive aggressive. He destroys my things than lies about it .He lies about everything, he lies about leaving a light on its ridiculous !! If something brakes in the house like an appliance it my problem even though he lives there to , he dumps every on me. He works hard and has a on line small business. It’s his favorite thing to rub his money in my face and to let me know I’m a loser because I’m sick and can work but he’s the one that made me sick I have been married to him for 28 years and dated him for 4 years before he married me for the little bit of money I had. He’s a horrible husband and a nonexistent father. He’s gotten so bad ( since his N mother dumped us that’s another story) and he getting older they get worse with age. That he was actually getting angry because I had a Birthday and got gifts from my Mother and Aunt. He has no one but my daughter and I . When I do leave he’s going to be dangerous so times I’m afraid of him but that what he wants he a bully!

[@ekaterinamarjamaki6366]

Hi, hope you have gotten out of this situation. So sorry for what you have been through. Hope you and your child are good and safe. Praying for you 🙏

[@bbeeaauu]

Is it possible that the pull towards the narcissist is the subconscious believe that you lack something they master?

[@debbiemirza1744]

Absolutey. That could definitely be one of the elements.

[@johnpiper1128]

I guess my question is, how long can the hoovering phase last? I'll try to sum up, things got very, very bad and I finally "left" and walked out. Now because of religion and because of my upbringing I didn't really leave my wife and young daughter, I just had rented a room somewhere else. I was home after work everyday helping care for the young child (she was 20 months at the time and I was home all day each day over the weekend. I even slept at home 6 nights over the 10 days I "walked out" on them. Basically, I called her out on her behaviour and things were different and it appeared she changed because she wasn't doing the things I called her out on but she controlled me from different angles. Then something happened a couple of months back that I emotionally accepted that it's over and to start preparing things to finally drop the bomb of divorce papers on her in the future. But almost everything controlling (not completely everything but mostly everything) has stopped and she has been super nice. At first, I attributed that she somehow knew I had emotionally detached and was trying to suck me back in. But her good behaviour has continued for many, many weeks now. Nothing else has happened to cause a change, no counseling, no major fights (though we never fight at all anyway) no outward influences to impact anything but she has been consistently better towards me ever since I mentally told myself that "I'm done". Is this still hoovering or is she actually becoming better?

[@melissad.6722]

God hates abuse and oppression more than divorce. Jesus gave the example. If your husband is not treating you and your children like Jesus would you are not in a God pleasing marriage and He does NOT expect you to tolerate and facilitate sin/abuse. Itsca religious/church error. I am a Christian and seperating. Dr Leslie Vernick has much to say about this.

[@flparadisevillas]

To the people concerned that God hates divorce, the passage refers to putting away a spouse without issuing a divorce certificate (which at the time written is what men would do and leave a woman unable to provide for herself or remarry). God Himself divorced Israel for their idolatry. He hates the sin that causes divorce. Also remember we are told to "hate" our father and mother which simply means to love less than Him, a healthy marriage that looks like Jesus' love for His church is ideal, but sometimes that is not what you have and that doesn't honor Christ or the people in the marriage. We are also to protect the innocent...especially the children. God loves people more than institutions of marriage.

[@lisakaler4121]

Debbie, why did you stop being a christian? And what do you believe now?

[@samhay4937]

Can I say what covert narcartist hasn't committed adultery

[@radmilarixon8048]

Why is christianity so fear mongering....