Dismissive Avoidant Deactivating Strategies Explained | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video I'll talk about how the dismissive avoidant attachment style and their different types of deactivating strategies.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #DismissiveAvoidant #ThaisGibson #PDS #Relationships #RelationshipAdvice #Love #Dating #Deactivating #Deactivation #DeactivatingStrategies
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[@40fit38]

I was married to a DA for 20 years and dated a DA for 2 years after. Pushing away someone you care for without explanation is mentally abusive. I'll never subject myself to that treatment again.

[@vandal280]

It is amazing to me how I can spend months binge watching videos about my attachment style and my partner's attachment style, but the second he starts deactivating, I completely forget everything and start worrying when he's pulling away that it's my fault and that he's going to abandon me any minute lol

[@ZoeMaier]

Omg i know, rite??? I totally relate

[@23384linda]

Me too;)

[@danieldora2208]

I totally relate too!!!

[@maililytod3129]

Me too! I didn’t understand what was happening and I’m learning to much but them am not sure if it is as important to me as it is with him.

[@pinkaa17]

That's prob because you are consuming the content but you are not healing. (assumption made purely based on this comment)

[@aillie8858]

It's like you know me better than I know myself. Deactivating feels like you're boxed off in your own world but with zero self awareness. Being there for someone else feels like doing really complicated math while sitting next to a neumatic drill.

[@MisuZama]

I have studied, adjusted and understood, unfortunately until a DA accepts there is an opportunity to unlearn or address the behaviors, it's impossible to build healthy bonds. I am pro-understanding, but I am now having to show up for myself, leave the connection. It's a pity because he might never understand how beautiful it is to connect... I pray this is not the case for him.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

I had the same experience in the end. After 4 long, exhausting years...

[@estherb.6433]

I couldn’t have said this better myself! The real pain is the DA not fully experiencing the beauty of true intimacy & connection. My heart bleeds for him with that but like you said, you get to the point where there’s nothing you can do but pray for them. I can’t appreciate Thais enough for her knowledge! I find strength in her videos but the pain is soul wrenching.

[@estherb.6433]

M B I am so sorry! Before I got down to the part where you said he may be lying, that’s what I was thinking because 7 months is way too fast to be engaged to another. I’m worried that your story will become mine. It just seems so unfair for you to invest in those 3 years just to have it “tossed” aside. I hope you can find some peace. I know it’s so heart wrenching. I just keep reminding myself of Thais’s words when she says to make sure we hold to our boundaries and not give in to our non-negotiables. Keep your chin up. Good things will happen to you & one day you will find that someone who will give so much to you in return.

[@MB-Music23]

Thank you for that.

[@MisuZama]

@@MB-Music23 there is so much hurt in your message. Sounds like your relationship is extremely toxic given the instability and presumed game playing. Maybe it's time you gave this a real think. Is it doing you any good, is this what love is supposed to feel like, do you want this for yourself. Try separate the person when you ask that question. If it were anyone else, what would you think. Step outside of your emotional self, look at who she is and then decide if that is you. All the best 💕

[@edgreen8140]

1) D.A. avoid vulnerability 2)push emotions down. Possibly repressed. Denied 3)fears - feelings 4)fear being weak something is wrong with me. Pulls away due to being to vulnerable ( in their mind) then takes days or months to process. So they fell of the face of the earth- avoidance of feelings, topic and processing. 5) may recognize they feel vulnerable around certain ppl and believe it's their fault. ( Don't know it's their stuff, being triggered). 6)feel like their is no way to deal with degrees of conflict. 7) Have less emotional bandwidth because the constantly push down feelings. Feel shame

[@annaw6369]

Yes, PLEASE do strategies and communication ideas for overcoming these! Both for the DA and the partner dating one. 🙏🏽

[@nathlete87]

I love your content, but I think it would be great to have some content contrasting the difference between da and this person just isn’t invested/into you. I assume being secure ourselves helps to delineate the two, but sometimes I think hope can cloud our judgment, especially for the anxious preoccupied

[@77maanno]

Great idea for a video!! I would love this too!

[@phoebe7534]

She made a video on that awhile ago.

[@cherylthompson2731]

My boyfriend left me for someone who only wants him for money 💰 He's happier that way. With me...all I wanted was to love him. We were so close that we feel asleep holding hands. It was the most beautiful relationship I have ever had. But, also the most painful.

[@carolinacunha3934]

Omg yes please do the video about of the strategies to overcome the deactivating strategies! Loved the video, you are so clear and excelente communicator!

[@howtosober]

Understanding why DAs are deactivating (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and distancing behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.

[@glenns5857]

I am interested in both how the DA handles the fear based Deactivating Strategy and the Partner of the DA. This is what was happening to me and I was completely unaware of how the DA handled distancing, when things got to close. Thank you

[@cameranserrano1263]

Do you think you get the most engagement on your DA videos? I know a DA and I’ve never met a more caring person who makes me feel sad. It’s such a dichotomy. I’m sure it would break her heart if she knew how much her deactivating hurts me because she’s been there for me in tough times a lot

[@enarcmcfly]

"I've never met a more caring person who makes me feel sad". I've come up with my own ways of explaining that about my DA ex before. Like there were red flags but zero maliciousness. Red flags but he was so genuinely sweet and sensitive, etc... But I always felt like it was lacking. You said it perfectly. Simple but profound. Thank you.

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@enarcmcfly Thank you for the nice words. I hope you are doing ok. DA's can leave a mark

[@enarcmcfly]

@@cameranserrano1263 thanks, you too. And yeah mine sure did too. But there's nothing left to do but leave him be and move on

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@enarcmcfly I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm going through something similar right now and it's painful. As they pull away, i'm pulling away

[@joannemcclelland5271]

I describe my DA as the nicest jerk that you will ever meet.

[@hmanfilms]

This is hilarious. It’s so spot on it’s comical. It makes me feel way better about the situation I’m in. Thanks coach. 💪🏻

[@KorinMetz]

I'm mostly DA, and some FA. My partner is somewhere between secure and FA because they had so many different parental figures. These videos are so helpful for me learning to recognize my destructive behaviors. I'm also working with a therapist who is helping my identity steps I can take and providing encouragement

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Can someone please let the entire “twin flame” community know their “runner” is a dismissive avoidant?

[@koala01111986]

Or an FA 😅

[@ChilledOut]

Carolina Neves My deactivating strategies are definitely fear-based and protective. I have avoided serious relationships since my divorce 17 years ago. I am 46. Since then I have had maybe 4 relationships that never made it past 6 months. I am very independent and a kind and happy person. I just couldn’t put myself in a position to be hurt so I avoided it altogether. ‘Happy’ to be single. The truth is I do not want to be on my own anymore and this guy showed me that. I have so many regrets about that relationship but I only discovered attachment styles the week after we broke up. We are no contact. I am happy to answer any questions you have.

[@jelenajakelic1909]

2:19

[@swatiparasnis]

Hi Thais, brilliant video. Your DA videos are really helping me understand the DAs in my life. Would love to see a video for others to deal with DA deactivating strategies. TIA.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thanks for your lovely suggestion, I will bring it u back to the team - PDS team member

[@c_0373]

Please make video about first phase dating DA

[@isolditaa]

Perfect timing on this! I have been wanting to ask why you guys think a DA that has ghosted you for months (do to a stressful situation) would later be sneaking around online every week and be spooking on your instagram stories (so busted tho) but not be taking any actions to pop back up into your life? And then when you reach out to the DA to break the silence,.. had some small talk and the person eventually surprises you days later with an vague apology for what had went down earlier this year... Kinda went like this "I'm apologizing basically for the person I was and for everything really, hope there's no hard feelings and that you're good".. So you answer the same day but then *puff* the DA went ghost again without even had open your response. Now 10 days and counting... 🤷🏽‍♀️ Why? Why apologize and then go and do the same thing you apologize for? 🤔 My own guess: Too afraid to see or hear what I have to say or to own up to the consequences for their actions. Any ideas? 🙏

[@heyowazzup8900]

I’m pretty sure that your guess is totally correct. Fear + avoiding feelings that may come up. This reminds me small children hiding their eyes with hands thinking that nobody sees them this way :)

[@isolditaa]

@@electricfishfan7159 thank you for sharing your experience. It helped

[@iammorrissey]

There is no excuse for ghosting sorry. Especially done twice. Whatever the reason is, it is the lowest of the lowest behaviour and you deserve much more. You don't need to hate the ghoster, but you do need to and deserve to keep yourself away from that toxicity.

[@chiaraA.]

@@heyowazzup8900 omg I texted that exact imagery when trying to show the ex-DA what I saw him doing for all the world to see - thinking it could make him self-aware. Of course at the time I didn't know there was such a thing as these attachment styles - but yes, he was about as discreet as a child with their hands over their eyes - meaning they don't see anything and therefore there is nothing to see here

[@yuristeaparty]

Would love one of the webinars to be in depth how to overcome deactivating for a DA, I deactivate and always think it’s cause I just don’t have feelings for that person anymore, but this is eye opening. It’s exhausting.

[@selmatheviking488]

thank you for this video. I'm a DA and i weren't fully realizing that i was deactivating. I'm going through heartbreak, so there's a lot of uncomfortable emotions. Even though i'm recovering (from being a DA) i realized that i was crawling slowly back to my old habits.

[@whitdj0]

So after sexual encounters, DA’s commonly withdraw for several days. I feel like at this point they are grappling to process that level of intimacy, which made them uncomfortable. Like it was fine to have sex because it was “exciting” leading up to it, but it brought more feelings to the surface than they could handle. And I think that falls under deactivation. The vulnerability is too much.

[@ariadne6104]

Yes. It’s overwhelming

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.

[@SofiaKatsaliNow]

Thank you for this, Thais. Would love to know more about the first (fear-based) deactivating strategy as the example you described happened exactly to me from the receiving end. You can see there is a desperate need for connection and a deep level of interest from the DA's side but this push and pull dynamic is making it impossible to move anything forward. I've come to the conclusion to just let them go at this point and if they find their way so be it, but it's just really hard to manage your self-esteem when you are the receiver. How can someone want you to connect with you so deeply yet get so scared and disappear when you do? Oh god 🙈

[@shannond8029]

Exactly my situation its been almost 8 months of No Contact (my choice to Implement) I had to absolutely just let him go its heart breaking but some leave you no choice. One good thing I have learned during this is about attachment styles and I now have that lost piece of the puzzle I was miss for this experience with my first and only DA. I wish nothing but healing for him but I don't believe he will ever look at his trauma and that is such a sad way to live especially when there are so many people willing to for said relationship and or friendships.

[@SofiaKatsaliNow]

@@shannond8029 Absolutely. I'm glad you've moved on - it is a very bittersweet experience to go through and attachment styles can help you let go of the "could have beens", and "should have beens".

[@isolditaa]

This is what I also would want to understand

[@7XL07]

Awesome content that I know has great impact. Very informative and well explained. Keep up the great work!

[@lovetorun76]

Could you possibly do a video on what is the best way to approach the topic or ask a DA what their needs are and how you can best meet those needs? I am reluctant to ask because they hate to talk about themselves or the details of their life. I think it’s because it makes them feel vulnerable. So I hate to ask and put them in that uncomfortable position. I feel like by asking, I’m causing them to “suck back into their shell”? Since they always seem to not need anything or accept anything, it’s hard to try to identify or figure out their needs are? If you ask how their day or their week was, for example, they tend to avoid the question and keep everything really high level. If you try to offer them some sort of help or service, they tend to decline it. If you try to do something nice or give them some thing like a gift, they may feel there’s some sort of ulterior motive if they’re mistrusting. It’s almost like you’re in a no-win situation?

[@murakas2]

Personal Development School, can you please do a video on addressing these?

[@TheCoffeeCat]

08:01 Yes, please! Videos for both the DA and their partner! My DA is going through a depressive episode, taking medication, and I feel he's 100% deactivated for a few months now. I wonder how to cope with this and how to help him. I've pulled back so as not to pressure him, but made it clear that I'm here for him in any case. It's hard, and I can see how hard it is on him, too.

[@unknownforce7517]

There are better stable people in the world. Our goals are to be stable and understand ourselves. If you had a car that was a lemon and was breaking down every other week you would stop putting money into it and time. You will realize that this is not going to get me what I want in life with stability and love. You would get rid of that car and get a new one, something that's dependable, something that will protect you and not leave you or break down when you need them the most. I know it hurts I've been there for 13 years it's time to let go and find someone that is more like you and doesn't run away. Best of luck

[@magdalenapala2843]

I love your videos Thais!!! They have literally changed my life :) I have learned so much from them about my attachment style being a fearful- avoidant, as well as, my partner's being a dissmisive avoidant. After my partner's mother died tragically (alkoholism), he withdrew significantly and had been in the deactivating state for a long time. I would really appreciate a video on how to help a DA partner after he/she experienced such a traumatic event and as a response started to push a partner away.

[@veronicak6023]

Thank you Thais. This is a very eye opening video. And yes, would love to see a follow up video for the receiver of the DA's deactivating strategies.

[@karencoleman6800]

Types of strategies/the sponsoring emotions & wounds -Fear due to painful experience -Sadness -Self Protection -Anger, Resentment &/or Spite -Self avoidant or feeling avoidant

[@alisongamble5394]

Yes - please do a follow up video for overcoming these strategies! Thank you

[@rachellaverkck4789]

My DA partner deactivates when he gets stressed at work... He is a typical DA at work with his work ethic & I think he feels criticised & hates when he things are unfair... ... He opens up & off loads to me but then pulls away....I think to self soothe from the work issues & because he's shown a vulnerable side to me... So it's a double whammy... . I'm anxious so I feel this really hard... After watching your videos I'm trying to communicate better & more understanding when he withdraws... 1st time last night I told him how I feel when he withdraws.... He responded better than he has in the past... But I don't know how long he needs his space for... He's like a yoyo.. It's been a long term work stress issue...

[@annaw6369]

Specifically, if My FA/DA partner NEVER discusses emotions or shares vulnerability (even if I ask), I am left to mind read what’s going on with him. Feels like HIS emotions always leave me shaken and walking on eggshells and it’s exhausting. How can I support him while not giving up myself and my needs too, since I am often triggered by his deactivating (AP)

[@OneDanae]

If this person doesn’t recognize their issues and commit to work on them you are wasting your time. How did you get into a full partnership with someone who doesn’t share at all?

[@DD-jb1lq]

Isn't it just best to avoid such people. Because it's impossible and draining to have them in your life if they aren't actively learning these things and working on it.

[@Go.Bex.]

Great insight! Would love follow up videos on this. Thanks!

[@rassilabou-zaher7706]

Thank you a lot for the videos. Yes I would like to learn more from the the side of the désactivating person and the partner. Thank you

[@rachellaverkck4789]

Definitely would appreciate a follow up video.... Would be massively helpful as I am AP & partner is DA.... 7 years push/pulling but love each other to bits & want it to work

[@annaz.4457]

Thank you for those great videos❤ I would appreciate a video with strategies for both, the DA and their partner

[@AlexG-wk3nh]

I'm a DA and this is 100% accurate, wow.

[@veronicak6023]

This video has highlighted something that could save my relationship. Thank you.

[@jlgotera1]

I could do a video discussing my interactions with the DA aka "science project" for about two hours.. A lot lot lot of give and take, but turned more into take... He was so confident and felt in his comfort zone through the phone, but in person a completely different person. He has lot of discovery and development within himself to work on and cannot begin to even bring in others into his focus and that is okay, but still is hurtful and crushing. For example, he even said that having roommates is enough for him to have a connection, but with me he doesn't see that purpose to include me in his time, it's all about convenience for him and that is all i needed to know. Ironically, I live right around the block and we have been involved for 2 years. These are new roommates. It's the casual and convenience he can work with; even though that is what i want as well... It's just like wow okay.. ouch! It's like constantly dangling a carrot and never getting close to obtaining it.. I don't need to work for acceptance, attention and acknowledgement baby, it's a two way street.. like i said, he has a lot to learn about, just about everything and I wish him luck!!!

[@andie33]

YES, please! 🙏🏻 Strategies for the DA and strategies for the partner of the DA. 🤍

[@peachfuzz7047]

Yes, I would love to know as someone with a DA, how I can help with not triggering these deactivating strategies or at least know how to minimize the damage when I have

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Wish I could "like" your videos 10 times, Thais!

[@nightmareappliance]

Thais, this video is so informative. I know this is an old video, but could you make another video talking more in depth about the sadness deactivating strategy and grief?

[@SarahSmith-fu4cw]

Yes please. I would love information on what to do/how to act when an ex partner deactivates with the fear-based deactivation. Especially when he also goes through a possible sadness deactivation and has been very vulnerable during a longer period of time. How to avoid beeing pushed even further away but at the same time not trigger his core wound of beeing abandoned.

[@Linda-td5si]

Loved this. Thank you.😊💚🌿

[@Thesecretsauce2048]

Yes, how do we respond to DA activation? Better yet, how do we get them to recognize how damaging this is to a relationship?

[@themegraeful]

Great information. I would like to learn more about long term deactivating and how that affects a relationship. How a partner should handle and what to do during long term deactivation.

[@kellychristiansen7953]

Yes pleeeeeeease!!!!! And how they can act normal when they have to!

[@Amynative]

I’m in recovery for AP and my husband has the traits of a DA. This has been helping me so much with my healing but also seeing things in a whole new perspective! I would love to know some strategies on how to approach a DA spouse when these moments occur in the marriage. Thank you Thias for all these amazing videos!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I will make this suggestion to Thais and the team. Highly recommend taking the DA intro course in the school to better understand your DA, best way to communicate with them, have your needs met and conflict communication. - PDS team member

[@Gmantrini]

I have watched many of your vids but did not c this one until too late. Had a really huge onesided blow up after 2 months of no contact without her even responding to the simplest of texts to open up communication. I, as an anxious😬, was experiencing severe feelings of abandonment and desperation as a result. I did not know of this severe level of sadness based deactivating. I believe it was caused by us being apart for the last year of a long distance relationship during covid. I could feel her becoming increasingly unhappy at the situation even I tried to reassure her of my commitment to us. Funded the building of a house along with a business to supplement income. Now I’m so sure that I destroyed any chance of a reconciliation as I was very critical of her behaviour. Insisting that she was behaving immature at not communicating at all since November 28. DA r some work!!!!

[@shannonlovesacting]

Yes please I’d love a video on that

[@yomikosburger]

brilliant. this was such a banger

[@deenamorris1989]

I would learn more about this! Thank you for this wonderful information. You all a little fast for me so I have to pay close attention and watch twice sometimes 😂 but it is soooo much great information I love it!

[@aprilhaynes6904]

I would love to see a video on how to respond to a DA whose deactivating due to sadness.

[@nathlete87]

Also, your makeup looks amazing

[@radharanis_joy]

Hello Thais! Thank you so much for your videos. I just watched your video what love feels like for DA and at the end you mentioned you may make a video on what DA would crave in the connection as they become more secure. Would you be able to explain that? Or did I miss it somewhere already before?

[@colorfullyme]

I would definitely appreciate a video on how to respond to these behaviors in a friend or partner!! I think I totally alienated someone I really cared about by pushing him too much. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again. Thank you for your amazing content as always!!

[@cameranserrano1263]

Maybe this will help kzbin.info/www/bejne/oJjMlnSkeJx1i5o

[@colorfullyme]

And of course I think you should make the corresponding video with advice for people experiencing these deactivating strategies!

[@colorfullyme]

@@cameranserrano1263 Thank you for sharing!!

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@colorfullyme No worries!

[@muumarlin1731]

So helpful!

[@TaDi321]

PDS - please make a video on strategies to overcome sadness based deactivation (for both: the dismissived and their partners). Thanks!!!

[@leolady8114]

It would be great to also hear more about the securely attached person with DA tendencies for deactivating and if this is easier or potentially even more difficult to change.

[@frances9973]

Would love to get a video on how to reach a young adult child who is deactivating as a DA.❤

[@Viktoryia3]

I'm trying to determine if I have a deactivating strategy or if the relationships is just not what I want- I always hit a mark at some point, sometimes there is a trigger most times just the "time" but the feelings do not come back after a certain amount of days. It feels like I have to force and effort any emotion for that person. But its like a light switch and the feelings are over.Im unsure if this is deactivation or just the end of what was (i dont feel like a need to ahve them back after im done 'efforting')

[@GeorgideMarne]

I had the same problem for years. Most of the time when it's done it's done for good. I wasted enourmous amount of time thinking it was my distrust when in fact it was a reaction to boundary crossing, which in time confirmed. (After the relatiinship, the person did the same with other people)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

If you are DA please give this video a watch on the topic - kzbin.info/www/bejne/p6eohqWijbyfaLM -PDS team member

[@theliterarytarot]

The date example recently happened to me and as an fa it was really triggering, thanks for explaining

[@arh3861]

Please yes!!!! How to overcome and deal with these strategies. My husband is FA/DA and it’s so hard to know what to do.

[@Yararar]

This is so helpful

[@msharic85]

Can you do a video on de/re-programming narcissism?

[@Kayesach-49]

Thanks!

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

@Personal Development School - Thais - I’m experiencing all these deactivating strategies and have been isolated myself for over one year now. I feel shame because I feel I haven’t been able to be the best mother I could be for my children and as a result, it’s created a lot of distance between me and my kids. I’ve felt extreme overwhelm between full time job, and being a mom and wife, and repressing my feelings/needs for so long that I completely hit rock bottom and now had to get on antidepressants to cope with the hurt and pain. Can you please do a series about how a DA parent can heal relationship with their children and prevent their children from attaining the same attachment style. I’m so worried that my daughter is becoming DA because I see the same traits in her now as I’ve had at her age - for example - high achiever in school, low self esteem (negative self talk), very critical and hard on herself if she doesn’t get the mark she’s aimed for (90+ student but never feeling satisfied or “good enough.”). Then I have my son - polar opposite - whom is solely consumed by gaming with his friends and doesn’t want to go to school at all. How do we cope with our healing whilst at the same time ensuring we don’t wound our children in the process. I’m so worried my daughter is becoming like me and I just want to express it’s far from healthy because I’ve hit rock bottom in all areas of my life. It’s affected my health now to the point I have illness and disease in my body. I pray my kids don’t inherit this specific attachment style as it isn’t healthy long term. Would it be better I address this in the school - in the members lounge? Just thought I’d be better to express here in case anyone else had anything to add, plus it was just easier since I just finished watching this video ♥️🙏🏻 Thanks Thais ... the school is great ... it’s a process to heal this attachment style. I’ve been a part of the school since November and have not turned back since, or had any doubts/uncertainties about my investment with this process. The school has been a blessing on my journey to becoming secure ♥️🙏🏻

[@addisongio]

So I watched this basically to explain to someone I love on how they act and why they might act that way. Background: she is my ex of 2 years and my best friend for 10 years. I use to know everything about her when we were best friend. As soon as intimacy comes into play, she pulls away. One piece of advice, don’t be scared about setting boundaries. Set your boundaries and if they aren’t respected walk away. It’s not worth the pain and suffering. The other party will feel no remorse. If they show you they want to unlearn these behaviours then be supportive and provide a safe space to work through it all. Either you’ll find the most amazing ending or you’ll find that with someone else who is willing to give you what you need.

[@missiteach]

Would love to see a video about strategies for DA deactivating strategies

[@c_0373]

Can you make a video about DA doing this over a significant period of time? I still have this happen and it's been 11 years I am contacted by DA who doesnt want a relationship from me or anyone

[@uniquemind3838]

Thank you ao much. My DA moved. He is gone " missing " for 25 days now. Checking in and desapearing again for days...i am so exhausted with this pattern..

[@sabrinakurosawa5516]

I'd like to see the follow up focus on how the DA can manage these deactivating strategies for themselves But I would also be interested in what the partner can do On the PDS website I tested as fearful avoidant and an even split on anxious and dismissive but as I watch your videos,journal along and try to apply what I've learned I'm now testing more and more dismissive I also got my heart broken by someone who may have been da or leaning that way

[@Nisha-kn1dp]

Love your top! 🙂

[@maililytod3129]

Hi my question is do you give them the space they need and wait for them to come back or do you reach out and let them know you’re thinking about them and let them know they are cared about?

[@cameranserrano1263]

There’s no IF we’re getting a lot of value out of this channel, OF COURSE we are 😉 And i’d love to see a follow up. I’d like to ask- when a DA deactivates cos their partner is getting too close, do they resent their partner in those moments? Or is it more of a numb feeling?

[@mickmash-5192]

As a DA, I just completely switch off, with an absence of any emotion. It’s unfortunate and unintentional, but the best way I’ve found to combat this is which radical honesty. I try to communicate at the beginning of the relationship that it’s a possibility.

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@mickmash-5192 Thanks for the reply and i do think honesty helps. It's the not knowing and taking it personally that hurts

[@NaeK188]

DA here. We definitely do shut down. It's numb and a feeling of dissociating from our emotions (and even bodies sometimes. I have a habit of tapping my collarbones or snapping the hair tie around my wrist repetitively in these moments because it anchors me in my body.) My boyfriend brings up topics of commitment (future, love, living together etc...) and I shut down and need to flee (get back home to my safe place). It's an awful feeling because our emotions are completely void (in my experience anyway). There's not even panic. Although if someone tries to stop me from leaving and getting back to a safe place I can definitely feel panic start to peak. It's super hard because my partner will ask "I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Are you angry at what I said? Are you sad?" And he wants to understand what I'm feeling but DAs don't even know what they're feeling in times of deactivating so I can't answer him. The most I can do is communicate to him what I'm experiencing (which is hard, because it leaves me vulnerable) but I've learnt that saying "I'm sorry, I don't feel anything right now and I feel kinda numb." And then to voice a need "I need space/time to communicate what I'm feeling to you because I don't understand." And even sometimes I've had to simply ask for a hug and to be held while I figure out the numbness.

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@NaeK188 Asking for a hug is so cute :) Thanks for the reply Shannae. You seem lovely. I'm just struggling right now with feeling like i'm bothering my DA crush and the deactivating just crushes me so i'm here just trying to understand :)

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@NaeK188 Can i ask, when you feel numb and can't explain your emotions... are you able to look back when you're not feeling numb in the moment and understand why you felt that way?

[@staceygmail4780]

Can you make a video about a DA becoming a parent. How do they experience the closeness with a child or how it makes them feel when a child depends on them. Also, do they feel more connected with the other parent because of the child?

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@Stacey Gmail it seems they are more connected to and love their kids soooo much but not the person they are with or dating. 🤔

[@colinc5531]

@@firstladyqueen5985 yup...which leads me to believe they are capable of showing love to their partner or person they are dating, even with having these issues, but just refuse to do so bcuz they dont want to...

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@colinc5531 that's exactly what I've noticed. I've seen extremely super selfish, nasty narcissists be soooo in love with their kids and treat other people and their kids like shit!

[@estherb.6433]

Colin C I’ve wondered if children don’t emotionally drain them as much as a romantic partner would and therefore feel more comfortable in connecting with them? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@colinc5531]

@@estherb.6433 there may be some truth to that theory...its a different emotional/love connection with a child than it is with a romantic partner...idk if i would call it emotionally draining but there is a difference...ppl sometimes dont get the dynamics of relationships, its WORK !!!....if you willing to put in the necessary work, with the right person, then skys the limit !!!....i was tryna point out that even tho love is an emotion, its also a choice...we choose to love ...so if you have the ability to love ur child, you should also have the ability to love a romantic partner...i think ppl choose not to love their romantic partner

[@rhonnieminnie]

4. exactly!!! uhhh.. my DA ex was resentful, spiteful, and cruel because i lacked the ability to read minds. they said "well you should have known" and ended the relationship. they of course could not ask me for their needs because i have proven time and again, when they communicated their needs, i always accommodated. i even offered them to take a break when they needed to months prior to the deactivating. but i am the villain because they want to avoid accountability for their feelings. so painful.

[@Yararar]

So what are you supposed to do when they deactivate and distance themselves? Should you wait for them to get back to you?

[@craneca]

Thanks for explaining these! These strategies make a lot of sense, but how do you know if you have unwittingly set off your partner or offended them in some way if they won’t even discuss their feelings? I will literally ask a question and my DA won’t even acknowledge that I’ve said something on occasion (both in person and by text) when it is something he doesn’t want to talk about (like when I ask him why he doesn’t want me to know about him). I try to anticipate what might be a sore point and avoid those topics, but when he disappears for days at a time and dismisses my messages, it feels really hurtful and I don’t know how to handle it.

[@janicederosia3700]

have a close friend who does this all the time..it takes alot of patience & understanding..would like to see what we can do as partners to help with this..11yrs of this seems like a long time of dealing with this..

[@aditigoyal8090]

Do people with some Cronic aliments have some particular attachment style?

[@meremarte9196]

Hi Thais, is there a way to find a therapist who has the knowledge in this field

[@hughanderson7470]

Ah yes, in retrospect I went through a sadness deactivation period from a few months after the pandemic until maybe a week ago. I started a list pretty early on of the people I was ghosting so I could follow up with them, and it's 20-30 people strong. Having watched this I'm less a stranger to myself because before I had no convincing narrative to explain why the hell I was acting that way.

[@SofenWrld]

My DA partner is going 6 months in sadness deactivating strategy. Appreciate this video a lot. I really wondered if this behaviour of his was genuine.

[@robinlipert1477]

Do you do one on one coaching? I’d love a session.

[@jenfinney172]

Hi Thais. You're amazing. Thank you for sharing so much valuable psychoed with the public. Wondering if you might speak to how stress and loss impacts sexual intimacy for different attachment styles, particularly dismissive avoidant?

[@ivanadjak7845]

Thais, yes, please, strategies for helping a DA partner deal with deactivating strategies, or just face and understand their DA status; how do you help your partner? Or just give up if they can’t seem to accept they need help?

[@Eyedocsri]

Dear Thais How do I differentiate if my wife has deactivated or has completely checked out of the relationship? She is a DA which i learnt over past two years but she has what I assume has deactivated for over 4 years! Should I perisist more or call it quits

[@irenelynette3845]

AA leaning FA with an FA leanding DA. He does many of these strategies, but I don't know how to help him and reestablish conneciton.

[@MisuZama]

I wonder if you would recommend us sharing this with a DA partner who isn't yet at a point of knowing what their challenges are.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

this is a script from one of the courses inside the school: I have been learning a lot about something called attachment theory which is basically our relationship blueprint of how we navigate connection with one another. I learned that we all have a subconscious set of rules we navigate connection through and that when we don’t know about each other’s “rules”/attachment style, things can become unnecessarily tricky. I wanted to share this with you because it has been so helpful for me. I identify with ________ attachment, do you know what you are? I can send you a video or article if you’re interested in learning.... I highly recommend taking the DA intro course in the PDS because it really helps you understand how to navigate the relationship better in terms of communication, asking for needs, conflict communication all while understanding the DA wounds and side-stepping those to make them feel safe -PDS team member

[@MisuZama]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool OH Wow. This is so useful. Thank You. Many Many Thank You's

[@rachellaverkck4789]

Exactly what I was thinking.... Glad you asked.... Thank you for the answer.... 🙏🏻

[@pinkette]

That sadness deactivated state...other attachment styles can have that too right? I was very deactivated much of last year. Still slightly right now. Not a DA

[@bryanfuchs1512]

My DA ex seems to have been deactivating for the past 2 years now. Ever since Covid happened, basically, which started a few months after our breakup, she’s been burying herself in work and just staying constantly busy from the time she wakes up until the time she passes out. She’s been avoiding dating anyone like the plague and just working pretty much non stop.

[@juliaangelina1984]

Sigh. All spot on.

[@aditigoyal8090]

How do different attachment styles show up in relationship in context of money

[@MM-ce1pw]

I was with a DA he talked about moving in and marriage and babies but then I had a very difficult time and leaned in more for support then the next min he doesn't do needy and his gone. I'm trying to get to a common ground to have a conversation but he's always busy. Then I got him to say yes to coffee but resigned from his job and went to reset. So how do I get him to just sit still to have a conversation cos I think we can work it out cos it was amazing together

[@swatiparasnis]

I've been watching a lot of the DA videos one after the other. I keep hearing that we need to communicate our needs clearly to the other person. Is there a video out there on how to communicate those needs? If not, could you please make one? I'm an AP and most times I've tried to "express my needs" the DA takes it as criticism and goes all cold and angry, though he denies he is angry. The latest I heard a few minutes ago. He also claims that there is no anger but there is no place for negativity in his life. He also recently said something about there being "excessive attachment" which was very hurtful. Like I said, I'm an AP, recently separated from an emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband, and right now even more sensitive than usual to any sort of rejection, especially by those I consider close friends. I really need to understand what I'm doing wrong when I try to communicate my needs.

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.

[@shaeb2315]

Is it possible an avoidance uses a combination of those deactivating strategies?

[@adamwood87]

FAs next, please.