My EX-Husband Had A Boyfriend (Gay & Over 40) | Patrick Marano

In this episode of Gay & Over 40, the Vlog series, we look at the pitfalls of Open Relationships and (maybe, just maybe) how to avoid them.
We'll examine the 3 main things YOU MUST do if you ever hope to have a successful open relationship. They aren't easy. They take a lot of work and have a lot of moving parts, but I believe it can be done!
To help illustrate what NOT to do, I will share with you how my open marriage imploded, and how it could have been avoided.
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[@homeric29]

My partner of 17 years have always believed that "it's our relationship and our rules" and have always lived by it. It's no one else's business but ours.

[@deechatterton5828]

When I was in my 30's, I was in a relationship with a man who wanted a monogamous relationship. I didn't think I'd be able to honor that properly. While were together, I was monogamous. We broke up for other reasons. When I was in another relationship in my 40's, we had that same conversation when we first got together. I said that I thought I could go either way as long as the rules were laid out ahead of time. He's an old fashioned kind of guy and asked for monogamy. We have been together and happily monogamous for 22 years, married for 13. My conclusion is that monogamy is easier when you're older. Finding a new relationship has lost it's luster by that time (at least for me). And yes, the "honeymoon" phase doesn't last forever but I just don't need it to anymore. We love each other deeply and have mutual respect. Plus, we just plain old fashioned get along great. We hardly ever argue and when we do we are really good about resolving the issue.

[@johniii8147]

I would agree it tends to be easier older. Husband and i met when I"d just turned 40 and he 30. I have really had no desire to have sex with anymore. Some harmless flirting of course but just no real desire. I had more than my share of meaningless sex earlier in life so don't feel like i'm missing out on anything. But we have an agreement if one of were to have the desire, we can revisit the issue. Hasn't really come up in 12 years other than he did get a blow job on a business trip a couple of years ago. Wasn't a big deal for me it it was open and upfront. He said it wasn't that good anyway..lol. Neither of us even recalls that person's name now

[@paulortiz2035]

I believe what you describe is usually called a 'mature relationship'. And it can occur at 18, 25, 50 years of age. The mature part comes from the thinking not from the age of the people involved.

[@cityguyusa]

Good for you. The love of my life lasted 7 years. We dissolved because he wouldn't grow up. Not calling when he wasn't coming home at his normal time which was around 1:30am. He'd show up at 3am or 4am and offer no answer for his where abouts. I bought him a phone so he had no excuse. I asked him to call me if he wasn't going to be home on time but he couldn't be bothered or ge'd say I don't want to wake you to which I replied I can't sleep till you're home anyway. I asked him for years to get a daytime job he worked 2nd shift. Because it was like we were roommates with benefits. We only spent weekends together. Then when I announced I was tired of living like this he starts sulking and threatening to sue me. On the day I left he came at me with a sledge hammer and told me to get the fuck out. I don't get how he didn't see it coming. I attempted to reconnect but he was playing thevtough guy he could never forgive me. Isn't that rich? Then he had a stroke and Inguess he was feeling regret at his choices but he destroyed my love for him.

[@rodrogers7553]

Ask yourself, "Do I really want a partner for companionship or do I want one so I won't be alone?" Remember, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely.

[@PatrickMarano]

Absolutely, and I LOVE being alone! I love me time!

[@johniii8147]

You can have both. I love being alone a lot and having a partner. We've actually learned to "alone" in the same room togeather, and not in a mad disconnected way. Hubby is more the extroverted always wanted attention type so we had to learn to adapt to each other. Rule number one now do not speak to me the hour I'm awake.

[@jerrylee8261]

@@PatrickMarano Me, too. Don't really get "lonely". I was an only child so grew up being my own company a lot of the time. Relationships are hard. You might be happy and satisfied but partner is seething with resentment. Solution-no all time partner.

[@guygrip9634]

@@PatrickMarano you dont need boyfreind but lot need each other. Its energy

[@peterdicazzo3391]

Been there, done that. My experience has been, boundaries are placed of me, but not on him. Having a "fuck buddy / friend" and maintaining individual lives is the most realistic way for me.

[@em4227]

I just find it how gays try to predicate their relationship as heteronormative work a weird different when you have four balls in the family things for different just the way it is. Enjoy the ride guys

[@larryjones558]

That early lust, excitement is like a slot machine. That can be very addicting. Chasing those feelings can be problematic.

[@elyer.8981]

A lot of people confuse an open-relationship with polygamy

[@johniii8147]

Or they are just dishonest.

[@nicolaseinhorn4540]

Blaming on self is classic in narcisisstic relastionship. Im very sorry for what happened to you. Have a Nice Day !

[@jack461]

I really love your videos. Your mature & realistic views on the numerous topics you discuss are so well done. I appreciate the positive attitude, your sense of humor & the manner in which you always represent yourself with great respect. Thank you for sharing this story .. & I´m sorry this happened to you.

[@Fuzzybear7680]

Very insightful. Thank you. I had an open relationship with my late husband for nearly 20 years. And while our situation worked for us, I don't expect it would for anyone else. Each situation - as you said - is different, and needs to be developed and grown into by the people participating in it. Keep up the great work!

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you Ken! I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but I'm glad you were able to spend so many years together! xo

[@mateoambrose1]

And THANK YOU FOR SHARING with us!!! This video will help so many people!! Thanks again!!

[@brianrichards7006]

I thought you articulated the pros and cons of both monogamy and open relationships well. Any kind of relationship with a fellow human being is fraught with risks. But part of the richness of life is living it as fully as possible and taking risks. At 75, I look back on both spectacular and disastrous events with previous boyfriends, and I would trade neither for a monotonous life. Now it is wonderful to have a few select interesting people in my life occasionally, and my art, my beloved dog, my library and the internet. Thank you for trusting us in baring your soul. Brian

[@lordbyronkeith9488]

After you said "boyfriend" I was honestly shell shocked. Just another reason why I'm almost forty and oh so happy to be and will remain single for a very VERY long time. Thank you Patrick for sharing your story and advice. So delighted that I found your channel.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you! Well... can you imagine how shocked I was to hear it at the time!? It's not something I even thought I needed to set a boundary for! lol

[@chadbelicena5292]

This video blog is one that I can relate to and pretty much hits home for me and my husband, because it happened to us. We thought that we had all three components to open our relationship but we realized after things got out of hand that it was all loosey-goosey. Opening the relationship doesn’t mean opening up the marriage and I tell you that even with almost 21 years of marriage and thinking both of you are secured in your marriage, it can still happen. It happened to us and it really tested our marriage. At present, we are taking steps to work on it since we agreed that throwing in the towel on our marriage isn’t an option we’d like to take. Thank you very much for this video because it makes me feel that we are not alone in this.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you for sharing your story!

[@ejude83]

I love your content, Mister. I wish I had had you on YT as a resource when I was younger! But, alas, I have the school of hard knocks to thank for my lessons! :) 8 years ago, I was 48 years old, my partner and I started our relationship knowing that being open was our jam. We don’t have a lot of rules, but we both agree that we can talk to each other about ANYthing. We are also, as you say, “monogamous in love” - and, of course, no shade to the polyamorous! We’re both realistic and aware that life brings all kinds of unexpected changes, which is the very reason we discuss everything. The years of challenges in other relationships both platonic and romantic have taught me, personally, to “hold on loosely.” It hasn’t been an easy thing, but it has definitely been a relief to finally feel like I can give love and accept it fearlessly, even in the knowledge that tomorrow’s situation is not guaranteed. And actually, accepting that at any moment anything and everything can change helps me to appreciate what I have right now even more. Keep up the great work, man!

[@tomboies1161]

Just started watching your videos and like what I see, I've been single for 15 years and dating really has been a pain.

[@nachoojeda5493]

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your personal story. I've just discovered your channel two days ago and became totally obsessed with it!!! FINALLY someone speaks openly about all this stuff like you do. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!! Kisses form Madrid!

[@PatrickMarano]

Hey Nacho, thank you for watching and for the comment! Can't wait to do more videos for you xoxo

[@IdBertParks]

This was very helpful and informative. I’m sorry you were hurt, but wish you all the best. You are most handsome and articulate!

[@valeria-militiamessalina5672]

I feel much happier and “complete” since I stopped thinking about having a long term-relationship, which was after I had one which was open at times. I can do what I want now, sleep with whoever I want, not argue and having to consult over everything. I don’t even feel lonely, if anything I feel relief and peace of mind. Relationships, monogamous or not, can be great. It might not be for everyone though. When you have lived long enough and have not found “the one” the truth is elsewhere, especially if one happens to be gay.

[@johniii8147]

Not everyone needs to be in a relationship. I have several women friends in particular who have been there done that with marriage, kids etc and turns out much happier single.

[@boebender]

I’m going through the exact same thing right now. Guess it goes to show how alike we all are. Thanks!!!!!!

[@PatrickMarano]

Wow! really?? urg, sorry about that, let me know how it goes!

[@billycarroll284]

Absolutely a very truthful subject and yes you brought up all that can go wrong ! Very nicely orchestrated by you Maestro ! BillyCarroll

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you Billy!

[@izodman]

Wow- I too am.open minded with boundaries. I recall we talked about that anyone think we wanted to make sure was never to fall in love. Thinking back....it was fun and I'm still ok with that but on a more mature level now that I'm in my 40s. Great video 👍🏿

[@taylorcb77]

yeah...yeah... I'm gonna go with 'the Fleshjack, a pile of books, and a cat' life.

[@PatrickMarano]

hahaha, I don't blame you!

[@Cedsback]

Vibrator and porn-I am good -my hookup days are over

[@kevinb9146]

Patrick, you’re just fantastic! You need a million followers…and you’ll probably get there. Love your channel.

[@PatrickMarano]

Wow, thank you!

[@TXPeter]

I have found the guys that claim they want monogamy are usually the ones that are most jealous and insecure and wind up cheating anyway. They are the ones that rationalize their infidelity while expecting the other to remain faithful and exclusive. Truth is very few men can abide by the rules of traditional marriage or coupling. However, being social animals we require connection and allegiance to one another. Best way to keep your bond strong is to make sure that both of you want the same long term goals and engage in any sexual activity together. Being intimate with other people outside of your partner's presence will erode the original connection between you both. Exploring new sexual experiences together can reinforce your bond if you focus on each other and allow that energy to recharge your passion for each other.

[@PatrickMarano]

Great advice Peter! thank you!

[@em4227]

Like I said before gay men are different we're not heteronormative. And I found that too I find so many couples cheat on each other after going around pretend like they're monogamous I don't got it everybody else knows friends acquaintances and why are you trying to pretend you're something you're not very few gay men can have a monogamous lifetime relationship if it happens good for you but that's not necessarily the ideal

[@mauic3884]

Honestly, your doing a great service for our community. So good to have found your videos and have a goood laugh

[@PatrickMarano]

I appreciate that! Thank you so much!

[@arnoldsands1610]

You have some very good points. ALL relationships are fraught with issues and minefields. The thing is that once the honeymoon is over, 'infatuation' is when someone wants to open the relation. The fact is that everyone is addicted to infatuation. The romance, the exploring and sharing of intimacy, it's all very exciting. Once the relationship opens you have to realize you or your partner are no longer the anchor of the relationship. It's now the backseat. Sooner or later it hardly matters, the new fly by night is all.

[@PatrickMarano]

I dunno. I think it depends. I think we're addicted to sex. But a relationship is way more than just sex. Ideally, your partner supports you emotionally and you share financial responsibilities. You weather the good and bad times together. You have fur babies or real babies. You build a life together that's much more than an orgasm, and much more than roommates or friends.

[@christopherrobertson7723]

I’m homosexual and under 80 but I’m very grateful for your generosity and wisdom. You are also beautiful and I hope you find what/whom you want.

[@edwardcone6860]

Absolutely riotously wonderful, Patrick. I loooooooove your presentations. So RIGHT-ON !!!

[@PatrickMarano]

So glad!

[@RidgewayInMedia]

Your ex-husband confused an open relationship with polyamoury. I agree with you: know what you can and can't accept and be true to yourself. Loving your content.

[@Basil3000]

My takeaway is communication is key to any and all relationships. Monogamy or Open Relationships are valid and can thrive if we communicate honestly with each other. We should also honor and communicate our own boundaries and don't stay with someone who doesn't respect them. I relate to you so much because I am a fixer and a past people pleaser. This was fantastic.

[@PatrickMarano]

Wow! Thank you for the comment! And I think you nailed it... communication, boundaries, respect... it doesn't matter how you design your relationship, you just need to be on the same page!

[@billbennett6982]

I'm with you on monogamous love vs. monogamous sex. My three boundaries are: take care of what you have at home first; call me before anything happens; call me when you're done. In essence, treat me as important to you.

[@UrbanGuyTO]

Great video! Thanks for sharing. Its really helpful knowing other gay men struggle with these relationship issues too. And the suggestions are really smart, genuine and realistic.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks Dave!

[@johnmjovino6495]

If you have True Love (The Real Deal) not an infatuation, you will never need or want anyone else in your bed aside from your husband! Open relationships never work because one or the other will fall for the person they are fooling around with. It happened to me after a 15-year Monogamous relationship we decided to open it and within 8 months my partner found someone else he fell in love with. Open Relationships Do Not Work, If You Need That Simply Stay Single, and Play Around!

[@bmbaretopndc]

Multiple spouses and recognized concubines (polyamory) is as ancient as romanticized/idealized monogamy.

[@johnmjovino6495]

@@bmbaretopndc yes you are absolutely right, the problem is it never works!

[@DennyYoungToronto]

I'm late finding your channel. So impressed with your openness and your good advice. And it's fun too! Thank you! And ah yes, I can relate to your story. Like you, I believed that often-heard advice, "one must work at a relationship." In hindsight, and for clarity sake, the phrase should be "TWO must work at a relationship." My advice: when you are in a relationship but feel lonely much of the time, it's a sure sign that the "work" is not working.

[@PatrickMarano]

Hey Denny, thank you so much for that perspective and for watching xo

[@dmnddog7417]

This is a very important video. I'm glad you made it and shared your story. I'm gay and over 40, and quite frankly I've never had a relationship last more than a few months, but I've learned a lot from them about myself and others. I also have a few friends who are couples in successful open relationships, so I've learned a lot from observing their experiences. I think the order of your 3 points is: 1. Communication 2. Boundaries 3. Trust You must be able to express what you want from the start, including your boundaries. This, in conjunction with actions, builds and reinforces trust. Communication is an ongoing work in progress, so it needs to happen throughout.

[@PatrickMarano]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! and thanks for the comment!

[@vant83]

Amazing video, it's great the way you open up about your own personal experiences, and speak with great clarity and objectivity, it helps one learn from your experiences. Regarding relationships, I have a quite similar mindset: in a previous 2 1/2 years monogamous relationship, I discovered that I cannot live within the frame of a monogamous relationship again, I also know that I can separate what happens sexually from what happens emotionally, so I can concentrate my best on one person. It is not easy to deal in a relationship with other person's experiences, expectations, history and ways of feeling and interpreting things but, as you say, things come down to communication and mutual trust, to make things a little less complicated.

[@PatrickMarano]

Yes! thanks for sharing!

[@Jusell]

Now you are stronger, you are braver, you are wiser, you are a fighter!

[@PatrickMarano]

Absolutely! Live and learn my friend! xo

[@a.sarnelli]

It is not the extra-martial affair that was the problem, but the deceptive and underhanded way your ex-husband took. He should’ve faced the music and discussed with you in depth what it would mean to open the relationship, especially considering your open-mindedness. I really appreciate your sharing this and wish you the best!

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for the comment. I think I'm very open minded too so there really is no excuse for the deception

[@BeammeupSpotty]

Thanks for sharing. Helpful!!!!

[@minamwang298]

Well said, Patrick.

[@thedapperboys2828]

Great video! Helped me alot to see hiw to navigate what type of boundaries and ways to discuss.

[@PatrickMarano]

Glad you enjoyed it! I had to live it to really understand, I just hope others don't have to go through what I did

[@thedapperboys2828]

@@PatrickMarano I agree! My previous partner was a cheat whire and did not find out till the end. This relationship now is based on honesty and being upfront and on the same page, per say! You helped me find the words to discuss how I was feeling but didn't know how to communicate it correctly. You! You helped render the situation so easily and has even brought us even closer, and I thought that could be possible because we are already such a great couple. Humbled and thanks again.

[@guygrip9634]

PATRICK LETS DO ALL 3

[@tjmichael8773]

this might help my very good friend and his Johnnykins. thank u so much!

[@bladezone1]

Thank you for sharing your truth!

[@chrisworldwideadventures8551]

Very well spoken. Relationships are very difficult. Especially amongst two men.

[@frankcorrea8691]

And when a couple is out partying and under the influence and a third party comes along and next morning everyone acts like nothing happened, that is men for you, gay or straight, such is life in the real world!😊😊

[@kevint.borden4130]

Wow Patrick, sorry that this happened in your relationship. The one good thing that looks like came out of this is that you learned something new about relationships and communication and boundaries. I have never been in a open relationship (being kind of old fashion that way) but I have been cheated on and felt that punch in the gut. Not quite the same but it was a lesson learned. BTW where did you get that amazing wall paper it is all that... xx

[@PatrickMarano]

I def learned a lot about boundaries! My partner chose the wallpaper... I wanna say he found it online at Wayfair? Thanks for noticing it. It's pricey and we paid someone to come install it since we didn't trust ourselves to do a good job. (money well spent)!

[@oh_brian_]

I love your videos sis 💁🏻‍♂️👌🏽😁

[@LoneWolf-qv8lx]

I rather stay single and NOT comingle my home, money, belongings, heart, mind, SOUL. We can be friends. They can go about sleeping around and "looking" for the next big thrill.

[@creativewriter3887]

Yes.. I'm with you! All it takes is one asshole to totally wipe you out financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc. I've learned that the someone can NEVER make up for the SOMETHING--- namely self respect and self-love and your own freedom and viability. :) I mean, I'm 50 and really never in a long-term relationship and then I realized I was... with myself and I was/am most happy doing what I want when I want.. and no, I'm not talking sex (my last liaison was in 2005)... but things I wanted to do.

[@stevencoulter9980]

Hello, just came across your content. My partner and I met in 1978, in HS 17-18 and pretty quickly realized we were in love. We started our lives together after he graduated, I still had my senior year to go. We shared 31 yrs together, until his passing in 2009, from cancer. We actually considered ourselves monogamous, lol, but really we weren’t. Lol. We had a relationship where it was ok to bring home others to have sex with, our rule was that we never had sex without each other. So if I met someone I wanted to have sex with, or he did, we would tell each other, “I met this guy at work, or at the bar, and he wants to fuck. And we would set a time for them to come over, usually on a weekend, and we would all have a blast together. There were times the 3rd party didn’t want to be involved in both my partner and I, and that was fine, bye bye! But 80% of the time it worked out great. There were guys we met, that we stayed in touch with, they came over for dinner, we watched movies, hung out, had fun, then they spent the weekend w us, slept together in one bed. This worked really well for us.

[@johniii8147]

Not everyone wants a relationship or partner. It's certainly not for everyone. But it also maybe you haven't met the right person you trust. It's also just it's a fantasy that you will meet the one person that meets all of your needs. I happen to be married and great relationship generally, but we have our togeather life and our outsides lives. We have complete trust with each other but we are still two independent people.

[@fuzzybeargville]

thank you so glad I found your channel Subscribed, bell set and liked!

[@thatsmyopinion.whatsyours8825]

EXACTLY, why I would never consider an open relationship. Date someone have fun etc., BUT if you want to live together or be a committed couple, keep it between the two of you unless you are good at juggling emotions.

[@PatrickMarano]

This one failed, but tons don't. Like any type of relationship it's gonna be work

[@johnp.1460]

Kudos to you for being so brave and candid about your experience. Hopefully the lessons you learned will save someone else some heartache. Adverse judgment from pro-monogamists or anti-monogamists is pointless and counterproductive, and often based on faulty or even circular reasoning and logical fallacies, or worse: arrogance. You’re correct that either scenario can go wrong without the three elements you carefully described. At the end of the day, these are choices that each couple must make, and there must be absolute agreement. I should mention that I’ve been with my husband for 25 very happy years, and we have been open on and off for some of that time. Successfully. With honesty and explicit boundaries we bilaterally modified from time to time. And I agree with you: no boyfriends. EVER!!

[@PatrickMarano]

John, thank you so much for your eloquent comment! I see we are on exactly the same page when it comes to this topic! lol

[@marklamp8354]

Great videos Patrick. My bf of one year and I stumbled upon them this weekend and enjoyed watching them all. I used to be in a heterosexual relationship and switched to gay less than two years ago. Just came out one year ago. My bf is three years gay but not out yet. We’re both still exploring our sexuality and learning as we go. We have an open relationship and always truth and frequent communication. We were puzzled on your “repeat” opinion. We both have a few regular FB friends that are great sex, healthy and safe, and zero drama. Why do you feel repeat sex friends are not good for a relationship? BTW - we LOVE your doggie!!

[@PatrickMarano]

Hey Mark, thanks so much for commenting! I'm so glad you found the channel... yay for KZbin suggestions! And congrats on being out... it really is a weight off your shoulders when you can be authentically you to everyone in your life. Let me know if your BF comes out anytime soon. (maybe there's a video there I can do). As for 'repeats' that totally personal. We all have to make our own 'rules' and 'boundaries' that suit us and our partner. I don't think any 2 relationships are going to be the same. So, you guys figure out what works for you... the most important thing is that you're on the same page! xo

[@MatteBlack2024]

Thanks for sharing. This was informative.

[@PatrickMarano]

I'm glad you liked it

[@kevinb9146]

Patrick, you are such a smart guy and a great communicator!

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you!

[@greghefner3096]

thank you for sharing your story. i wish i would have found your channel 2 months ago. it would have been so helpful

[@PatrickMarano]

Oh do tell...

[@MilanOfCreagan]

To be in working open relationship one has to be lucky to find someone on the same wave lenght or is very understanding and is prepared to work on ones jealousy. I've been with my current partner for over 10 years now. We've been through a lot. Cut long story short, we openned our relationship few times now, we done stuff together and individually. As you said its about communication and trust. I'm lucky my partner is trained councelor so he loves talking a lot...about everything and anything lol...he could talk for England lol...but we do it less and less as we getting older I suppose. Being over 40 makes you realise you dont have to fuck or be fucked by everything that moves lol

[@Bobby-ld4lm]

Everything you said about relationships is absolutely true. I believe that it is true for straight relationships too. Anyone who has commented differently is probably lying to themselves but God bless them if both parties never cheated etc. I have been together with someone for 27 years. It went through ALL the possible steps/scenarios that you could possibly imagine. We evolved into the deeper love and it continues to grow. We are a family. The sex part is completely gone and we handle our own personal needs in any way that we desire for ourselves. I am not jealous at all and he is not jealous at all. Our love has survived the test of time. We just are not sexual with each other anymore.

[@PatrickMarano]

You are family. And that is a real bond. A lot of people don't get it. They are convinced sex is the majority of what makes up a lasting relationship... it's not. Thank you Bobby for the comment!

[@em4227]

So you're cheating each other between each other so he's your best friend that works for you just for you to say that you're with someone good for you

[@wanttoplae]

Great comment/observation on difference between monogamous love vs monogamous sex!

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks Craig

[@markusskand9773]

great distinctions, monogamous love vs. mono. sex ! there's a lot to learn to successfuly navigate polyamoury- an oldie but goodie is the book "The Ethical Slut" published 20 years ago by a couple lesbians in San Francisco. Distinction of 'primary relationships vs. tertiary relationships and the boundaries making discipline /agreement. Thank you Patrick for being courageous and generous to share. Love the Canadians in their lack of shame/sex- positivity.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you for the nice comment Markus

[@dogandpony4931]

As a single guy that tried making it work with a guy in an "open marriage" it was also a disaster from my point of view. We were safe, had lots of fun and was great. He told me they had an understanding, but after about 2 months his husband contacted me AT WORK, threatened to email my boss all of my naughty pictures off his phone,, threatened me physically and was just an ugly situation over all. Needless to say, any guy that tells me he and his partner have an agreement or open relationship is an immediate HELL NO for me.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for sharing your experience

[@em4227]

All I can say to you is good luck

[@lukepearson1760]

Even though I am under 40 this great advice ! Thank you !

[@PatrickMarano]

You are so welcome!

[@AxRodRod]

Thanks for bringing this subject. I have been single for 2 years and I’ve been considering if my next relationship should be open or not. So I’m not sure yet but gI know how to handle it.

[@PatrickMarano]

I think each relationship is different, but good for you for keeping an open mind! I have lots to say on the subject, so let me know if you have any questions!

[@germannino3670]

Thank you Patrick for another wonderful and insightful video! I love that you mentioned both mongomous and open relationships need trust, communication and boundaries. Ive had both mono and open relationships. Neither have worked for me as they ended up doing things we didnt agree on😄 as you said people look for a loophole! Now i just rather be alone for a while. With monogomy it was “oh you are having sex with the neighbor!” And open it was “oh you are going on vacation with the repeat for a month?”

[@DJonathanHayes76]

wow, married and had a boyfriend, just wow...I've been single 20 plus years in rural area. I cannot fathom such things. Just wow.

[@jordansmith8547]

You have a great personality for this and look amazing

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you so much

[@siegess]

i fell in love when i was 17, within 2 weeks he was screwing around. i realized then that to hold him, i had to set him free. We stayed together, extremely loosely, for 27 years. We both had other relationships within the relationship, we often times didn't even live in the same city, but, when we were together, we were independent, and woe to the other person who didn't get it. So, all in all, we had an exceptionally open relationship that worked quite nicely.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for sharing that Christopher!

[@KniteShayd2]

O.M.GAWDS! YES! THIS! I don't understand how/why this is such a hard thing to understand... But, maybe it's just me. 🤷‍♂️ Granted, all this is/can be learned through age, experience, and mindset, but I completely agree with what you're saying. Thanks for sharing your experience! #CommunicationIsKey #BeHonest #SayWhatYouMean #MeanWhatYouSay

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for the comment... I'm happy you get it too!

[@sazji]

My views on this have changed over the years. I did have the “marrying my one-and-only and settling down together forever in blissful monogamy” fantasies when I was younger. And of course at that time we weren’t thinking much about what it would be like in our 60s beyond not-very-detailed notions. The years (and experiences) do creep up though. Right now I’m single, with a housemate (straight) who I’ve known since the 90s. It’s stable, affordable and I love being here. But recently becoming more open to actual dating, I found myself thinking, “what if I meet Mr. Right and then have to uproot myself again? I don’t wanna!” And though I’ve watched people do that and would adapt if it really felt right, I don’t really feel the need to live with a partner. I’m perfectly happy, if it happens, for us both to have our homes and private spaces, and invite each other in when we want to, however it works out. Sex is fun but definitely not the central focus of my attention like it was in my 20-year-old brain… I feel that as social animals, certain things - companionship, intimacy, desire for trust and closeness for instance - are hardwired into us. But many of the details of amd conditions on how we expect achieve and experience those things, are 90% cultural. Heck, even in “heteronormative” societies there are many variations, and through most of human history, the “one man one woman living in a single family house with kids and then being alone after they leave the nest” model has not been reality. And monogamy has mostly been a goal but rarely a complete reality. (Yes, straight people are dealing with this stuff in their own ways too.) So we can let it frighten us or we can think and talk about it. It can still be scary but at least it doesn’t need to be suppressed fear of a dreaded unknown.

[@PatrickMarano]

thank you for the wonderfully worded comment. I agree with you completely. Do what makes you happy brother!

[@HarperGraeme]

So sorry this is the path that played out. Recently found your video series! Loving your insight and perspective. Fabulous wallpaper. I think we often “Just deal” with reality and go along to get along. Painful. Side note; Toronto finding a bf and husband? Too few quality men in TO.

[@PatrickMarano]

You might be correct..lol

[@jamesbow5916]

Let me start by saying that I'm sorry that happened to you. What a horrible breach of trust and betrayal. Also, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. Two observations I want to make after watching your video: Do you realize your tendency for black and white or binary thinking when discussing monogamy & love? If you haven't read her book, I recommend Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity". Any relationship is about find the balance between Love (closeness) and Desire (which like novelty). Novelty does not have to come from outside the relationship. You seem to have made up your mind that Love and Desire can not coexist. I'm not trying to say open relationships are bad, but I honestly don't think you've thought deeply enough these issues and are letting your own psychological "stuff" get in the way understanding exactly what your want and need. Which gets me to my second observation: Toward the end of the video where you discuss putting your own needs aside and being a people pleaser, do you realize what you are discussing is co-dependence? As a recovering co-dependent, I highly recommend you try your hand at therapy and research into co-dependence. There must be some relational trauma from your early life that helped you develop this way of coping (another suggestion: Oprah's book: "What happened to you"). The very fact that you talking so much about the things you would have done differently speaks to the codependence. Once you heal the codependence, you will be amazed how easy it is to understand your true values and what you really need from a healthy relationship.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you for your perspective, I'm learning too! I guess I know I like random sex too much to lock into monogamy though, but I love hearing everyone's experience!

[@Michael-ur5qb]

Lol I love both sides of this argument because they are so passive aggressive with each other. The open relationship side says things like “I’m realistic,” but on the flip side the monogamous relationship camp totally looks down on it.

[@bmbaretopndc]

That's not what "passive aggressive" means. That's called disagreement. You can disagree without being disagreeable. I love that aspect of the comments here. We're passionately advocating our own points of view without being uncivil. You might want to look up the meaning of "passive aggressive".

[@valeo6820]

Great presentation. 👍👍👍

[@PatrickMarano]

Thank you! Cheers!

[@alainrichard8873]

Not on topic , but I just have to say that it makes me happy to see you in good health you see I’m old enough to have known You when you started in Montréal as Eddie Stone . I recently watched a memorial for porn actors who have died , most of them from AIDS , But also an alarming number who have overdosed or committed suicide . I was deeply saddened to see that so many had died . I just discovered your channel and I think you’re fantastic . Being over 40 suits you so well !

[@PatrickMarano]

I saw the same video of actors who had died. I knew many of them sadly. I'm happy to still be here!

[@williamjones7163]

I loved my husband for 33 1/2 years. He passed 3 years ago tonight. I miss him.

[@PatrickMarano]

My heart goes out to you William. Over 33 years you got to spend together... that's such a blessing!

[@Sun__1955]

You are the best ❤️❤️❤️

[@m.w.b.6447]

Hello Pat. Gay and over 60. I'm proud of you!

[@PatrickMarano]

Hi! Thank you my friend!

[@k.c.9650]

The simple fact of the matter is that a lot of people (for myriad reasons) have to take it where they can get it and would rather have a fraction of a romantic relationship than none at all. It's pitiful really, but I can see why it happens. I echo what one of the previous commenters said -- not everyone has what it takes.

[@josephmogavero1355]

I think a large issue comes with the “no repeats” thing, because it sets up a situation in which partners are objectified. That’s not how humans should be treated.

[@richardbarber8007]

Oh Patrick, where were you when i was younger, handsomer and healthier. I’m now 85, have Emphysema and obviously lost my looks. I was in a 10 year open relationship, without boundries. Disaster.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for sharing Richard! 85 and going strong my friend!

[@russells5923]

Dear Patrick, So well spoken, & forthright; enjoyed ur "tips"bathhouses, only from nostalgic view of 40 yrs ago,-good time had in long gone Key West resort... Can't help noticin' strong re- semblance of ur handsome face & voice, to Eddie Stone, star of one of the finest gay videos I've ever seen-a really wild gay outdoor sex dream!

[@PatrickMarano]

Yup, he's me! lol Glad you found me here!

[@leonstevens1382]

For what it’s worth, you still look like and and sound like good husband material.

[@leoncartwright7904]

Hi I just found your KZbin channel I really enjoy it I am a gay male and how to open relationship but I really didn’t know about I believe and playing together well I’ll be with one people or three person do it togetherMove on and do it again with different people and I understand about pleasing people to Great video

[@lesandres23]

A relationship should be about two people. Open Relationship is like the word abortion. The first one is a cheater & the second one is murderer.

[@PatrickMarano]

Wow, I'm gonna leave that extremely judgemental , ill-informed and horrible comment here for others to see how ridiculous you sound... hahahahahaha

[@johngiltzow4764]

After my relationships, I’ve decided I can’t share.

[@spaveevo]

If your in a relationship that isnt long term or for life then have fun if you both want to do that. In my opinion if you are with someone you want to be with for life the answer is noooo. Its hard for us to not become jealous or grow distant if your intimate with other people. Very few people can do it long term. But again we each have to make that decision.

[@captblk]

As Patrick noted at the end of the video, some polyamorous relationships do include boyfriends/girlfriends-not just hook-ups, but emotionally connected boyfriends/girlfriends-in addition to the primary partner(s). But as Patrick also said, there needs to be open communication and consensus that that is allowed. I hope Patrick’s story underscores the need for trust, communication, and boundaries without necessarily discouraging viewers from exploring relationship configurations that may work for them. I don’t think the latter is the aim of the video, but it may be an unintended consequence for some viewers.

[@PatrickMarano]

You're right! My intention is NOT to discourage at all, just to inform (and entertain)

[@paulortiz2035]

The critical part everyone seems to leave out is both people need to be aware of and/or capable of verbalizing their emotions and feelings! My last on/off friend had only 4 emotions--- tired, hungry, angry or his very favorite--- horny! That was it! Uggh! Just those four. Simple but very limiting. He would not, could not, talk about anything beyond those 4 emotions or he would get quite agitated! And when the bottom starts to get that agitated, all hell is soon breaking out!

[@michaelyciano2123]

Very interesting I always let my partners know in the beginning,if they ever want to open up the relationship ,.it's a nice friendly way to breakup with me... im way to jealous to see/think of an other man hitting my guy. If I'm not beating it right and my partner needs more ,well fair is fair and he should do what makes him happy . Just not with me:)

[@paulortiz2035]

Or you might try negotiating! As adults, negotiating should always be an option. And hopefully one at the top of the list! Not relegated to #29 of 30 possible options!

[@k.c.9650]

@@paulortiz2035 - No, Paul, you aren't hearing what Michael said and instead are trying to impose your viewpoint on him while invalidating his values. You suggested he should change his values for another person, which is absolutely awful advice.

[@paulortiz2035]

@@k.c.9650 When you 'really' love someone you do change some of your values, behaviors, etc. Because if, or when you have real love for someone you want then to succeed and be happy, even if it sometimes takes a monumental effort or sacrafice on your part. Like the mother who jumped in the water to save her kid from drowning but who also drowned, just within the last week! Sacrificing yourself to save another seems to me to be a real demonstration of love--- to me! Perhaps you think these people, like this mother, were fools! And there is no Medal of Honor award hanging around your neck, is there! But you might see any of this as so much baloney, obviously! That's fine! But many of us simply do not subscribe to your way of thinking! I know which group I would rather be in. And it has served me very well in life! And to raise independent, sucessful kids you sometimes need to close your eyes and hope things turn out as well as possible. The important aspect being you have trust, faith and confidence in the kid to be responsible and to do the right thing! And if they don't do as well as expected you continue with having faith and confidence. Unless they are complete or utter fools, which happens from time to time! But open relationships??? I've never seen one work very well. ALWAYS major issues, fights, jealousies going on. The relationships just never seemed to be healthy, productive, peaceful or sustaining! While I don't know every such situation, gay or straight, just never saw one that worked! And certainly don't recommend them for anyone. At some point people need to grow up and pick a career, a city to live in, a person to love and maybe get married to. Ive found it best to concentrate on staying in 1 lane, though I've know a few who thought it best to drive down the middle of the road! I got to my destination while they were often in 'accidents', shall we say. Anyone who thought they really 'needed' an open relationship certainly didn't 'need' me! The idea of kissing someone, wondering where their mouth has been and what it was on, in the last week, was a pretty good indicator to me as to whether to proceed with them or not! I don't care what you do, unless it effects me. And so if I can't trust you with my health, actually my life, then I'll see you around, maybe. But I won't be seeing you in my bed! You have nothing to offer me that is equal to what I'm offering you. As far as safety, commitment and trust is concerned. I always thought it was a great gift to give yourself to someone else! To say 'I choose you above all others!' Again, this has served me well! And I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you! Oh, well!

[@paulortiz2035]

@@k.c.9650 and I never 'impose' my viewpoint on anyone! I was simply stating mine! Sharing mine! Hardly 'imposing' it on anyone! What a silly or dumb thing to say!

[@fiestabucky]

You gave your husband a can of worms for his wedding present. He gave you a can opener.

[@PatrickMarano]

hahaha, I love that!

[@raymondscott3228]

So far all I learned from this video is it’s better to be single and have a f$@&k buddy

[@myrchantkobold8268]

We usually just agree on one person that we then both "date" at the same time. Once we are all comfy they can stay over and we just live as normal and they can add themselves where they feel like. Like having a part time gf or bf who needs to have the versatility to deal with two very different partners at once. Even if we are two guys, we have personalities that are opposite. We don't need to have someone but if someone seams to fit then we let them join. No solo dates or anything but they can just add themselves as they wish to make themselves happy. If the other person doesn't like it anymore or finds someone they move on and we can invite a new person.

[@PatrickMarano]

Sounds amazing! Thank you for sharing what works for you in your relationship. It's important for people to see that there isn't one answer to fit all.

[@donald6787]

You are a great communicater

[@PatrickMarano]

thank you!

[@chuckmurray1825]

Honestly, I've heard and seen this story too many times to count. I've never seen it work. Every couple I know who tried it, failed and their relationship ended or they just became roommates who moved on to other people. I've thought about this situation and the conclusion I've reached is that the only thing that separates your best friend from your partner is that act of sex because it's a different kind of intimacy. In most cases when the exclusivity of that intimacy is lost, it loses it's value and is no longer something only between you and your partner so there is nothing exclusive in the relationship anymore. So I think opening up a relationship devalues it. I don't judge and I think everyone should do what works for them but I don't think it would work for me. From what I've seen with others, the "opening up" of the relationship is always the beginning of the end. In this particular story, the "open relationship bomb;" that flag wasn't red, it had a skull and crossbones! Of course love is blind and we often excuse or overlook the failings of those we are in love with at the time. Happiness is the best revenge!

[@PatrickMarano]

Hey Chuck, great observations! Thank you for the Comment! I totally agree that Happiness is the Ultimate revenge! And yes... love is blind, and dumb... lol and we do things that, with hindsight, we NEVER would do. Live and Learn! xo

[@sloanbanks9531]

My husband and I have an open relationship. We've been together 16 years and married for 5. They work, but you must have ground rules and open and honest dialogue. E.g., We never engage in penetrative sex. So any experience is only oral and mutual touching. This works for us and has worked. Additionally, we're on PrEP and go to the doctor together every 3 months.

[@johniii8147]

@@sloanbanks9531 Exactly. Open relationships are defiantly not for everyone. But those that do work it's all about TRUST and communication. In my case my husband is bi and has permission to go down that vagina in a one time thing very occasionally. And i get video of it and watched in person a couple of times. I got a great butt but i don't have the vaja. It's like a two or 3 time a year thing for him so i'm well beyond after 10 years togeather of being threatened by it. Just brush your teeth first if your gonna kiss me is my rule. LOL. but true.

[@pollymellen7503]

Agree, with Chuck.

[@farhaanmohit5979]

Hey Chuck, i totally agree to what you said. Most open relationships end badly.

[@brianconnor1758]

It is a false claim that the passion and lust always fades away in every relationship. Just because it happens in your relationship(s) doesn't mean it will inevitably happen to everyone else. Believing that is just a skeptical convenient coping mechanism for your own failures. I don't disagree that many relationships will often fade or fail, but it's a flawed belief that it must therefore happen to everyone else in every relationship. This video is really a lecture on how to negotiate in settling for less in your relationship, rather than finding the courage to leave it to find something better, so the advice is appropriate for those who lack the capacity to attract and keep a deeper relationship that becomes even more intensely erotic and romantic with the passage of time. The reality is: 'open relationship' = inadequate relationship.

[@PatrickMarano]

Wow, for someone so articulate you are so wrong. I never once said that this is law and will absolutely happen to everyone. And you're final line is beyond ridiculous. You are so judgemental and holier than thou and that attitude is not welcome here. I would've been happy to listen to a counter perspective, but not when it's laid out like yours.

[@thescottgoldexperience]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm just thinking maybe it was way to soon to open up a relationship? If the foundation of marriage was stronger and he had time to develop stronger attachments then maybe he wouldn't even want to have a side piece. It's not your fault, you were not the one who stepped out on the marriage. Honestly I don't think I could handle the emotional consequences of having this kind of arrangement. I think it's okay to decide I don't want to share, that you're mine and I'm yours. That, I think, would bring me the biggest sense of peace. Then again I can only speculate since I've never been married. I think it will help a lot of people to at least have that discussion before it is too late. I'm enjoying your channel and slowly working my way through your older videos. XOXO

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for the comment. He was a dick, that's all, lol. But I'm wiser now! Thanks for watching Scott!

[@thescottgoldexperience]

@@PatrickMarano lol! Well glad you moved on to better things. You can’t turn a ho in to a house-husband. 😂

[@ClassicalFreak74]

You’re sweet and articulate, but your advice is crap. He didn’t “open your relationship” without you knowing or “put on you”. He cheated on you, and you should have dumped him there.

[@PatrickMarano]

I should have dumped him there. You are right. It's easy to see now, but hard when you're in it. Saying my advice is 'crap' is a little harsh though, cuz I do appreciate your perspective.

[@ClassicalFreak74]

@@PatrickMarano maybe a little harsh but you’re way too nice to this guy and giving bad advice to people. telling people that it was just bad communication or not setting up boundaries is letting him off way too easily and setting up others to do the same.

[@EurodanceBlog]

True, the problem is especially when you are old .. you are scared to be alone and not find the next one special person ... look at Grindr they select you like the apple in the market .... and let's be honest most of them are narcissistic and egoist person... if you have a low esteem this happens... hey if you don't like it bye ! But to share like you are a second hand person... NOO ... better alone then in this shit ! sorry

[@nealaskme6272]

Great channel! Love this content. I recently turned 40, I have been with my bf for more than 10yrs now. In the beginning sex was great, like most early relationships. Sex happened a lot until about 3yrs ago when I found out my bf had been cheating on me with another guy for quiet awhile. I was devastated, hurt and angry that it happened. We have always talked about our feelings and issues that came across. We separated for a couple days so I had time to calm my mind and to think what I wanted in the future. I managed to collect myself and listened to his reasoning why he did it. I’m a very forgiving person. But I feel we have become distant and our sex life has gone stale, having a 3rd person in the group did cross my mind. But not quiet sure how to deal with myself being ok about it. We are approaching our 13th yr anniversary and I am devoted to growing old with this man. Would you suggest being open to the suggestion of having a 3rd person? I guess I’m asking how would I discuss something like that to my bf and what common boundaries would you set aside from communication and staying safe?

[@PatrickMarano]

Wow... thank you so much for sharing your story with me. In the beginning, sex is always great, and the mistake people make is thinking it will always be, or should always be that way. Never gonna happen. It slows down to a trickle. Now if monogamy is your thing then you have to get comfortable with a lot less sex in your life, and like in your case, there's the chance of someone looking elsewhere. The reason I'm pro Open Relationships is because I'm anti Cheating. I hate the lying, the sneaking around, but people in monogamous relationships don't really have a choice. Now that you've gotten back together after his infidelity, I think breaching the subject of a third person should be easier. I'm not sure if you mean just random 3ways with guys or looking for something polyamorous. Either way, just sit down and bring it up to him honestly. I have a feeling he'll be open to talking since he's the one that was cheating outside the relationship to begin with. The boundaries would be different for poly or random 3ways so let me know which one you're thinking

[@nealaskme6272]

@@PatrickMarano I would like to say thank you so very much for taking your time to reply to a new subscriber!!! You’re videos are very informative and honest. I will take your advice and have a conversation with my bf.

[@HISBestLifeCoach]

@@nealaskme6272 Respectfully curious, would you consider seeking out a licensed relationship therapist/counselor, specializing in supporting gay couples for over 20 years who happens to be GAY and OVER 40?💡

[@nealaskme6272]

@@HISBestLifeCoach it has been discussed…but due to the pandemic, it’s something I rather want done in person vs over zoom…

[@andyroo9381]

I could never engage in an open relationship. I just do not have the personal fortitude to take part in such an arrangement. If I am entering into a long term relationship then I would only want to be and sleep with that man. I think of open relationships are disrespectful to both men and to each other.

[@raphaelszok8561]

I truly believe gays can have a one on one relationship with one person. I dont need a switch hitter and i do not need all cocks out there.

[@src3360]

Never say never... 😉

[@jimmcnevin3331]

Now maybe somewhat different,,, Married to a woman for over 45 yrs. She knew before we married my desires for men. Now some say that back then it was just a cover. We lived a very open relationship and yes she had other men. All 3 of these items he speaks of are so true.

[@PatrickMarano]

Thanks for sharing your story! And for watching the channel!

[@notafan5453]

Sorry continued from previous comment : interpretation of what open means to one another. Fun is Fun serious feelings outside of sexual fun are certain!y not allowed. Advice you putting it out there remember the chance of losing them is very real

[@Bonbon-C]

An open relationship is just not for me. Never have been into one and never will! I have never cheated ever in my life and never will. To each to his own I guess.

[@johniii8147]

It's for some people and not for others so that's respected.